Reflections
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[[look in the mirror.->mirror]]
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You don't have to.
</span>What do you see?
[[i see a past->see]]
[[i see a future.->see]]You see a chrysalis, waiting patiently to be shed. You see a `Promise` for you to `await`. You see the first crack forming in a carefully tended egg. You see `#777777`. You see clouds, blazing with the orange of the sun as she dips below the horizon. Or is it the raw pink of the sky as she returns? You see the first push to the stack of a new function call. You see the lips of the past as she takes a bite out of the future. You see her teeth. You watch her swallow.
[[i'm excited.->anticipation]]
[[i'm scared.->anticipation]]
It's the highest point of the rollercoaster, just before the drop. You hang in the air, motionless. Soon, the Earth will reach up with intangible hands to bring you screaming down at nine point eight meters per second per second. For now, you hang there at the precipice, waiting.
[[i'm feeling something.->anticipation-2]]
It's called "anticipation." That feeling of your breath catching in your throat, your mind fast-forwarding through possible futures. You can't keep hanging forever. You'll have to take the plunge.
You bought it two days ago. It scared you then. You didn't want to think about it, so you set it aside, but despite your best efforts It's impossible to ignore. It's time.
[[get the nail polish->scared]]
[[get the skirt->scared]]
[[get the she/her pin->scared]]You've wanted this so badly, and for so long. You feel yourself drawn to it like iron filings to a magnet. Like light to a black hole. Like a fish to the sea or like lightning to the Earth. You can sense that if you just *put it on*, everything would be okay. It would feel good and right, and you would be happy.
And yet, you're scared. No matter how much you wanted it, you can't bring yourself to put it on. Why?
[[what if i just look like a man pretending to be a woman?->scared2]]
[[what if strangers hate me?->scared2]]
[[what if my friends are scared of me?->scared2]]Hey, it's okay to be scared. Transitioning, or even just experimenting with gender without committing to anything, is scary. Transmisogyny is so widespread, so ubiquitous, so built into our culture that imagining a world without it is like imagining an ocean without water. And you're like a bird who's only ever known what it's like to drown.
What you don't know is there's a whole world out there full of air. All the people who love you are there, and they're going to love to see you thrive. And once we get you into the air, you are going to *fly*.
[[okay. i'm ready.->do it]]
[[i think i need more time->wait]]You put it on.
[[it makes me feel happy.->feelings]]
[[it makes me feel like *me*.->feelings]]
[[it makes me feel like things are going to be okay someday.->feelings]]Okay. Take as long as you need. I'll be right here.
[[thank you. i'm ready now.->do it]]It does, doesn't it?
[[it really does.->feelings-2]]
[[i'm still scared->feelings-2]]I know.
It's never going to be perfect. You don't pass all of a sudden—though, don't let anyone tell you passing *has* to be your ultimate goal. People might still misgender you, on purpose or otherwise. You might lose friends or family over this.
[[but it's going to be okay.->okay]]But it's going to be okay.
[[i don't want to go back.->end]]