Knk

Moving on

This book is dedicated to every shithead out there that doesn’t want people to succeed on the basis on thinking they have a real idea of what success is objectively, fuck you

CHAPTER 1-1 THE REAL DEAL BASEBALL OF FIRST CHARPERS.

My name is suoily no it’s not, it’s SUOLY sorry even i appear to be pronouncing it incorrectly today. In any case. I am a cool ass man but not an cool ASSMAN because that would be dumb, though lately all the shitty losers and normies at my school are wearing these “shorts” that are just boxer briefs only they don’t even cover the women’s butt cheek bottom bp part! I have found this a turn on.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: fuck than no authors;s notes, we gotta stay in character

OK I AS I WAS SAYING UHHH

I know that saying normie is a totally hegemonistic term too and that in saying it i’m basically enslaving myself to the same damn system i am trying to fight againts to please don’t hold in it against me.

DAMN

Anyway, i live in a city that is NOT TOKYO but is rather the city of cool ass neon shit but also crime and villanly stuff but it’s not so bad if’n you’re rich also it;s not in the south.

For shot i mean SHORT we call it CANSBACAVSBINSBIYRAINITS BUT THAT IS SYILL A MOUNTHFULL!

So for SUPER SHORT we call it CansBava. CansBava is a coool ass city. It’s not i’m in any ot of the countries that you know now because it exists in the far future. Not really the alien future yet but YES in the lazer future by which i mean we have lazers.

I have a lazer gun

I use it only not on  people iiiii unless i am threatened in the sense that my life in is danger, for instance this happened one time i was in trouble i got held up by AIDAN 0502 which is the codename of a cool-ass robot (we have robots) only he’s more like an android because he looks like a bishi blonde boy only he’s got cool ass robo parts and ron paul loves it. Ron paul has been soliciting sexual favors from him forever.

“But how can you know that about 0502’s personal life?” i hear you inbred mongrels saying “weren’t you just threatened by him?” NOT TRUE. he and i are friends but sometimes fate pits us against one another like men from the magamen games ( i mean magamen and topromen specifically) they are friends but they have to fight sometimes because they love eachother soooo much but they have JOBS THAT THROW THEM INTO DANGEROUS SCENARIOS.

FOR INSTANCE

0503 is 0502’s robot boyfriend, he basically looks exactly like 0502, only he has slightly more orange hair as opposed to yellow, and he smiles less because he’s the edgier of the two (0502 finds that attractive but i don’t but that’s mainly because i am attracted to women more than men but what are you gonna do am i right?)

0503 one time got mad at me because i spilled soy sauce all over his ass, and I DON’T EVEN LIKE SAOY SAUCE 9 ( i do like SAO as in sword art online though, but i never read the one past aincrad because rape as drama is FUCKING STUPID) anyway.

0503 is 0502’s booss at work earlier. He likes to be called  boos and not boss because he think’s it makes him sound spookier which is fitting because they work at an assasination  firm. Basically if you need someone killed (more like want someone killed) all you gotta do is talk to big booss and he’ll hook you up with that guys head on a pike (they do not actually give heads as proof that kind of thng is now provable by people's life signatures dropping off the grid which all people in CansBava have access to reading the people who are alive on). ANYWAY 0503 was SO mad about the sword sauce that he doesn’t even like either that he sent 0502 to kill me and 0502 thought it was just a normal job from some customer without an agenda especially not a SOY SAUCE agenda, i mean cum on.

Anyway he was conflicted because he liked me a lot but he figured that as a robot life of human was pretty fucking worthless. Eh, he was pretty correct about that .

ANYWAY he totally came into my workplace and shot up the whole damb place, like wow, ok. It was ok, though, because he knows that the people i work with are all backed up to the LIFESERVER anyway and have better robot bodies waiting for the,m anyway. I am the one guy there WITHOUT one, because i am the poorest little intern there (in fact the only intern) but the other guys are super rich robot programmers. The also do DAMN SUSPICIOUS stuff on the side i think, but i can’t be sure. I often hear them talking to each other in hushed tones when i am around h and sometimes they have me pick up really odd and suspicious deliveries. I am never allowed to know what is the contents of the packages that i am delivering so it’s like, REAL WEIRD. Anyway, danny boy (a nickname i have for 0502) sidles up to me and is like:

“Hey sorry about your workplace and the bodies of all your co-workers”

I am like

“Hey man no problem, what brings you into town?”

“Funny thing about that XD i actually was given the job to kill you”

“Oh, shit..”

“Yeah, right>?”

“...”

“>>>...”

“So, uhh, you gonna do it?”

“...yeah…”

THEN SHIT GOT REAL

I flipped out my super cool lazer gun (and it was all chromey like classic sci-fi look omg so retro) and fired a red  beam straight through his pretty-boy neck. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. You see while that would kill most dudes 0502 is a robot! His neck just controls his talking, but even though the processing is done in his head, the commands don’t actually go to his body through wires, they travel directly to the parts of the body they want to command via inferred super cool energy. Basically it’s not like shitty low kbps bluetooth it actually goes WAY FASTER because of all the sick ass inferred advancements (think of your ds’s local wireless lke 10,0000000 times as fast, crazy right?).

ANYWAY this was bad because now he couldn't talk it out with me, but he could still kill just as effectively, and even though i rolled higher initiative, that boy is way faster than me due to his obvious physical superiority as a robot. He shot two lazers from his eyeballs , one blue, one red, in the hopes of annihilating my body. He came damn close, and he actually tore half my face off. My whole left chin to eye got burned off but it was ok, see lazers are so hot that they cauterized the wound immediately. I ducked under my desk and though that may sound stupid, i knew i had a secret compartment there that i could use to get into the basement .

I did so

The basement connects to like a million cool places i think but they are all off limits (again, shady right?) except the fire escape. I don’t think it’s technically legal to have your fire escape go through the basement, like IF there was an earthquake and the foundation of this place caved, you’d be DONE, but nobody really cares about crap like fire code anyway, even in your time i’m sure that’s mostly true. Anyway, i took off down the fire escape during which time i’m sure dan was like, wondering where i was (he doesn’ t know about the exit and the lazers are so bright that he probably didn’t even see me duck under this desk. So then i get kinda cocky. I get to thinking, hey, i can beat this bastard right here adn now if i sneak back up there and blow that dude;’s head off when he’s looking for me. So i head back up and holy shit, there’s police everywhere, like policenaughts.

Crazy. I gotta get out of there fast because a head half blow up sticking out of a hole in the ground is NOT gonna make me look like i didn’t just murder every damn cretin in this place, so i book it back down. I end up taking the fire escape which goes a ways and leads me to the corner of facleburst and malphman, two of the best roads.

The bad part is that after i think i am free, the  building behind me explodes ad that is NO GOOD, 0502 is clearly headed this way, because he ALWAYS goes over the top like that. Anyway, so i scan my surroundings for him and there is him, right on top of me blasting his way down via jet propulsion , the good news is that two can play the eye-lazer game, and my right eye is still good enough to fire a hot slimey EMP fizz all over that guy’s face. Woo! How sick. Basically, emp is like anti-robot electricity stuff that is REAL bad for them, but i know that his memory is tough enough to be completely safe (for a sentient robot, almost no care is given to the body, but the memory banks must be totally incorruptible otherwise things get really really terrifying). It DOES however, decimate his body and make him go totally limp. I love the fucker so i carry him back to 0503.

“HEY SHITFACE” i yell as i enter 0503’s office

“What is it this time SOY SAUCE PERSON”?

“I nailed your boyfriend, can we call it even on the stupid soy thing now? This guy seriously murdered everyone in the whole place and now the cops are there”

“Sure, but i think as one FINAL way of repaying me, you can work for me now, and put that antique to good use” he said, pointing at my blaster.

“Fine by me, i got no place to go now anyway, what with every person at my former place of occupation awaiting body replacement and the cops PROBABLY thinking i did it as the only worker there not dead right now”

And now we cut to present day. That’s how i ended up here! In my current situation, but we can find out all about what that’s like iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…………

CHAPTER 2: THIS GUY IS TOTALLY UNHINGED MAN SHIT WHAT DO WE DO

Ok so today is going to be fun! 0502 is coming over to my home today and we are going to play “funyons and fragments” , which is a great game.

One problem, my house is hordery to the point where i don’t even know how we; would fit two humans here i am not even kitten.

So i am going on my way to the nearest “clean store” these are stores which are NOT CLEAN, but if you sit there for 50 minutes you can come home to find your things organized in a tree structure (not like plants, like programming trees, trust me it’s not that weird).

So like i am waiting at the clean store and it’s getting about time for dan to arrive and i’m thinking “holy titty fucking shit, we’ve still got 20 minutes left of the heapsort!” so like, i can’t have 0502 just come over and i’m not there and heaven knows what is going on there without me while it gets all sorted out, yeah? But it’s cool because he is walking in front of me? Woah.

SO i run out of the shop and yell “YO ROBO MAN” and he sees me and sys

“Water yu doing here”?

“Wa8ing for my house to get cleaned/sorted”

“Oh shit, you know this place is worst case n^2, right? Your house is definitely the worst case, you should’ve gone to a merge place and had it done in nlogn”

“Oh, dan! You kidder!”

So it’s by and large gonna take a lot longer that 50 minutes as advertised which i think is illegal but whatever, and anyway, who cares, dan is here. So we gotta find something to do before my house is done.

“Oh man!” says dan

“What pan my man?” i respond

“We just have to go like 10 blocks that way to MY WAY COOLER HOUSE”

“Sick idea brosuke, that’s why you’re the super intelligent robot and i’m a hipster who denies that intelligence is even a real thing outside of social constructs!”

We go to his house, passing floating dudes and cars and cats and kitties and catgirls and one of them is really hot but where was i? Oh right, so half way there we are standing at donnahurst and wellboro waiting for the dmn light to change (we are walking but even lawless cyberpunk worlds have street lights for pedestrians)and all of the sudden the ground shakes from underneath us and a gigantic black creature with shiny skin like tar rises from the middle of the intersection and has like a….

Liek it’s sorta hard to describe, he looks kind of the like the angel from the first episode of evangelion, but not REALLY but pretty close, so i mean, you get the idea, same basic anatomical structure, but like, CLEARLY a different guy, ok? Stop pestering me about it.

ANYWHO so he like, s just standing there and dan and i are like, you monster, but then we remember that the angels in evangelion didn’t really WANT to kill everyone? Just like, maybe the people building the evas and stuff? So we figure it won’t actually hurt us if we don’t provoke it.

“Good luck! “ we yell up to him ( i mean clearly he’s got some kinda mission to accomplish)

And then after crossing the street i see him like halfway down the block already i think “oh geez, where are my manners”!

“AND THANKS FOR CLEARING THE TRAFFIC FOR US TO CROSS!”

CHAPTER 3: R/THIS ONE IS JUST FOR A TIMESKIP

I i mean WE 0502 is here too, we get to his place and i was like damnit, 999999999 is the number of times i have forget this! 0503 is here yet again

“Howdy gamer” he says, but his TONE is saying “fuck you you sexy little boy”

He is CLEARLY not over the whole soy succ incident, that’s fine whatever  

“Hi sir (i guess he is my boss now?)”

“What are you gamers gonna do today? “

“NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS OMG GOSH MAN”

Then i got real steamy and ran into dan’s room with the “gaem supplies”

Hey

“HEY”

“Oh, sorry, i got zoned out” i say to dann

“Oh, yeah, well now you’re about to get BONED OUT”

“Of fuck, are we going to have cyber sex? I REALLY DON’T want to”

“No that was a joke XI”

“Oh sorry, you know these days i can never tell”

“Well it’s no big deal, just a little gayme i like to play”

:w

“Wait, how are you spelling game”

“G A Y me “

“Oh shit, up high gaymer”

Then we high-fived so hard the planet shook, or maybe it was just the angel from earlier? I hope that everything is ok with him.

ANYWHO, i just wanna take a moment to say that after that we had a great time! Really fun. My character in the game is “LOTUS VON BROTUS” and he;s like a cool monk dude who walks on water but despite being a monk he’s aryan and he is the FIRST RACIALLY EXPLICIT CHARACTER IN THE BOOK SO FAR unless robo is a race, i guess so.

Anyway, idk if you want the details about our campaign my gosh, i mean how conceited is that, but it’s pretty cool, lotu or LVB i like to call him by, is on a quest with dan’s character MAIDEN0502 who is THE FIRST F- EXCL- EXPLICITLY FEMALE character in the story who is like 0502 but not a robo because it takes place in old times in a high-fantasy cop-out setting and also MAIDEN0502 is a CUTE MAID GRL.

Omg

BUT W8 i hear you ask: “you live in a crazy cool COMPLETELY ORIGINAL ESPECIALLY THE KAIJU sci-fi world, why would you wanna play a dumb game about high fantasy? High fantasy is BORING”

Glad you asked, you see this game is like an rpg but like rather than be tabletop of course it is cool cyber stuff, like, we write (program) the characters parameters and appearance exactly and then actually use nerv gear (shoutout to nerv which is a game company in this world) (ok no more of that this is gonna become eva fanfic if i’m not careful i REALLY want this to NOT be that) to BECOME those characters in this world which is the same for all players, and they're all like… ok like it’s kind of like an mmo except the characters are 100% original and even certain battle mechanics, but there are quests that run for set amount of time in real life and everyone in the world can join in on them together until they are solved, and then when someone completes the quest the world resets and the DM (teh game’s developer, one of them at least) makes a new quest for everyone, and they are sick and it’s actually the only game of its kind right now despite all the other cool games that exist and it doesn’t need to rely on skinner box mechanics to get people addicted because there is ALWAYS content that hasn’t been beaten and you can deck out your character haowever you want within the parameters set by the DM for each quest.

As a two man party, we’ve never actually beaten a quest yet but 0502 and i are super determined to have as much fun as possible screwing around in a fantasy world that realistic.

CHAPTER 4: SOMEONE CALL A POLICEMAN BECAUSE SOMETHING IS GOING DOWN

Oh man, welcome back ladies and geltemen to teh 23rd annual super smakdown showoff showdown ho-down redo-o on rodeo drive that will finally determine the strong dudes in the city, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS_

THE

CANS

BAVA

PRELIMINARY!!!!!!!

That’s damn right folks, all of the city’s strongest men are gonna compete to see which one is the coolest in a classic elimination style tournament leaving only our strongest 20 contenders to move on to the FINALS!!!

“Do they really need to have all the tv’s and intercom set to broadcast what’s going on in the arena? Wouldn’t that get SUPER annoying after a month?” I ask 0502

“Yeah, i think they just REALLY want us to get psyched even though we know we’re just gonna get destroyed again this year”

“WH- what the hell are you talking about?! You took 22nd last year! You like NEARLY made it! You’re a KILLING MACHINE like LITERALLY!!! Nobody can stop you man!!”

“Well hopefully things will work out XD honestly i’m just here to get make ‘dank bank’ in fact, i hope i don’t have to compete in the finals, those dudes are scary”

“Heh, you’re on a whole nother level man, if I were like you, i’d go all out man, i mean you don’t even FEEL PAIN”

“It’s just like, idk, who wants to beat up a bunch of dudes, like seriously , get a better hobby guys”

“Says the professional assassin”

“The things we do for love…”

“Hey, do you want me to get you a drink or something to warm up? I’m gonna go to the bathroom, the stagnant air in this prep room is messing with me”

“Nah, i’ll be fine, my firsts guy looks like no big deal”

“Alright see ya-”

“Hey”

“Yeah? What is it? DO you need something?”

“You know it’s not too late to sign up, you’re not as bad as you think, especially given that you nailed me the other day”

“I’d like to nail you right now if you know what i mean ;D”

-RECEPTION AREA

Intercom: “ALLLLLRIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHO’S READY FOR THE COLD KILLER, THE MEAN MACHINE, YOU’VE PROBABLY SEEN HIS DEADLY EYES GLOWING THROUGH THE NIGHT, AIDAN 0502, THE CAN CRUSADER!!!!!!!!”

Oh, it looks like 0502’s fighting earlier than i thought……

How long was i in the bathroom?

Eh.

I watch the screen in the lobby with a bunch of the normal fans, i had been hoping to support dan in his first fight up close, but he’s got this one in the bag.

Intercom:”AND IN THIS CORNER!!!! THE ONE THE ONLY… STANLY HARAWAYYYYYYYYYYYYY”

The announcer seems to regret calling this first time no name ‘the one and only’ in any case, i don’t need to watch this, he’ll be fine for sure.

I stroll on back to teh prep room to wait for 0502’s return, and sure enough, he’s already there.

“Hey there hot shot ~o’”

“Oh, hey”

“So you annihilate that guy>?”

“Yeah, i just fried him with my laser eyes when he went in for a right hook, felt kinda bad for the guy, but at least i got a return on my entry fee”

“Hoo man, well, i’m gonna head home. You want me to bring you something?” (fighters are not allowed to leave the CBP grounds until the preliminaries have ended, meaning 0502’s gonna be living here for a while by himself)

“Again, I’m fine. Just try to make it next time, ok?”

“Oh, uh, yeah of course, i just didn’t think they were starting so soon, you know me and time STUFF, always sooo out of it XD”

“Well, goodnight. Love you man”

“Wuvu 2 grl ;D”

And that was that. I walked home alone in the overbearing light of late-night CansBava, stopping at a great ice cream place along the way. Ice cream is always the thing to brighten one’s mood, or just enhance it at any time at all. I opted for 2 scoops instead of the usual one, carrying around the money i was gonna sign up with would just leave a pit in my stomach. Spending it on ice cream , however, well, that’ll clearly do the opposite.

CHAPTER 5: BA-DA BAAA DAAAAA (MARIO BROS GAME OVER SOUND)

So here i am alone in my room. Without 0502 i don’t really know what to do with myself. I can’t take on any jobs without him as cover, i can’t play F&F without him, i am not that high-level and though he is a monk i kinda rely on him in that game as well for his powerful magic stuff, not that we even progress that much but just screwing around in that game won't be as fun without him…

Perhaps i need more friends? I know he thinks so, but friends would just waste my time , i mean seriously , i’m a G8MR i need to take my time seriously and not waste it. YOU SEE while you have probably just been picturing my useless fat body staring up at the ceiling actually here i am and have been playing video games the whole time, i’m just in one of those ruts where a lot of the games i’m playing have daily events and REALLY slow progression so i’m playing like 5 games for like 15 minutes each a day and not getting any real console gaming sessions of many hours in, and i keep wanting to drop one of those games and start a new one but there’s this HUGE release coming in like a month (Shin Megumi Taisei: Devil Story 4: CRACKING CUP for those curious) and so i don’t wanna start a new game and have it interfere with that when it comes out…

I live on the 43rd floor of my building, with a decent view of the industrial district and the blackened ocean around it, it’s actually very beautiful, the pollution gives the water this amazing quality at sunset, but that view isn’t something i would consider worth the price of rent, luckily my rent is actually covered by the agency so like whatever…

CHAPTER 6: THIS REPRESENTS A TIMESKIP

It’s midnight now. I can’t believe how stupid i’ve been, i literally could’ve gone to see 0502’s match today, i hear he actually broke into the top 20, like he nailed that chainsaw-hand guy that got him last time.

Not only am i letting myself down, but my friend too…. I think i need to do some re-evaluating.

By the way, that Angel-looking guy from the intersection earlier actually turned out to be a cool dude. Apparently he just moved here from Italy and has been helping the city by catching and ICBMs that happen to fly our way. Despite how barbaric that sounds, he actually works a lot better than our old system of shooting super sniper lazer burst at them because he never sleeps and doesn’t ask for any pay, as long as we treat him like a normal citizen. The government is handling the situation with surprising maturity despite the property damage he did at first, he’s MORE than paid for himself by now.

How do i know this? Well, because he actually has been staring in my window for a few hours now, he apparently also likes the view from here, and when he realized he was blocking my window to look at it, he stuck his cute little plague doctor nose in to ask if it was ok that he stand there, so polite! I of course said it was fine, i mean who could complain about having some super cool kaiju hang out, but then we got to talking and things just went really well, we totally hit it off. He’s standing in the oil-soaked bay right now, but i think he might come back to talk sometime. It’s always so hard to tell…

ANYWAY, gosh, uh, Aidan is in the rank…. I wanna say 18 right now? Really good stuff. He seemed pretty disappointed that i didn’t make it and i didn’t really have any excuse for him so tomorrow i’m going for sure. I THINK admission should be free for me as his friend, but i’ll have to check on that too, funds are getting REALLY slim as of late, considering i haven’t taken an actual job in almost a month now.. I’m going to have to go without him eventually if he decides to take the finals after all, that money is WAY better than what he , what i , make as an assassin. Not to mention the fact of not having to kill people. That’s always been an issue for him, though i’ve gotta say, i really have taken to that part surprisingly fast in my short time working with him.

OK THAT’S IT. We’s gotta get up and do SOMETHING. Tomorrow morning i’m getting up bright and early, i’m gonna ask 0503 for a solo job, i’m gonna fucking kill my target, and make it back just in time for aidan’s match, no matter what!!

CHAPTER 7: 13:00

Guh? What, what time is it? Oh…

Well, it looks like  my plan for today is busted anyway. I’ll go make some hot cocoa and call it an afternoon…

Oh yeah, the match is today, right? What time was that?

I go to look it up on my computer, but first i set on a sick playlist of like 3000 of the best game osts ever, and wait for it to load…

OK it’s loaded! I was… oh yeah, gonna check the match time, better go on the site for The CansBava Prelims … wait what am i doing, why don’t i just text aidan and ask? Ok, get on my phone… 16% battery, ok hook that up, aok, gonna sext him “hey grl.” that's a pretty casual first message right? Like he’ll definitely be happy to see that i called him grl. HE DEFINITELY WON’T be mad for last night anymore… but while we’re waiting for a response we better download a good podcast for while we are on the way there, you know, ok get that going an- OH SHIT, ok sorry a really good track just came on it’s like that SADDEST song ever, seriously, it’s like the Beatles “hey Jude” but it’s like, reverse to make that chanting at the end super DE-motivational, oh looks like aidan responded, i’ll look at that as soon as this song is over..

…

Ok, now then:

Aidan0502:”gorn”

Oh boy, that’s a good sign if you ask me

Souly:”Nyan

Aaaaaaand waiting for a response, better do my daily in pokemon go, gotta clear out all the gen 2 pokemon before they add the gen 4 evolutions and make everything more complicated

“RAWR XO”

Omg so cute

“Nya, nyaaaaaaaa :3”

Ok, maybe i sh- oh, he’s responding faster now!

“Okesuka?”

:######)

“Okesuka?”

I stare at the screen for a few minutes waiting for a response…

Eventually i get tired of waiting and flip open my spintendo mega microgame xl for today’s picross challenge. The puzzle is clearly MUCH harder than anyone should be expected to do in the 2 minute time goal. I clear it in 2 minutes and 8 seconds. Suddenly i realize, maybe 0502 is waiting for me to get to the CONTENT of the conversation, like, the reason i sexted him in the first place?

Just then i feel a buzz from my vibrator (technically a cell phone, but lately i haven’t had anyone to call so…)

“So, do you wanna get to the actual CONTENT of this conversation?”

Omg so pushy, i don’t wanna be like mechanist but that is so robotic of him

“Oh, uh.. Yeah i guess. When is your fight grl?”

“Oh, uh, i actually dropped out.”

“wHAT?!”

“Yeah, i mean, who wants to go to the finals and all that with a bunch of sweaty jocks you know?”

“I, i don’t know, i would go if i were you, i mean, that’s kind of a big deal, you know??”

“Eh, you know.”

CHAPTER 8: WE GET ANOTHER JOB AND THIS ONE goes places….

Oh dear, well 0502’s back. We had a big party with space cream (like ice cream but cooler because it comes from the place in cspace.)(c-space == cream-space, a sub-absolute wait no or was it just a normal absolute zero realm only accessible by special cream-beings. Point is, the stuff is delicious.) He hands me a green tea flavored space cream and takes a mango for himself, classic flan, i think to myself.

After this celebration we wake up in my room,weird because i was so sure he would never fit in here but surely enough he’s gone into sleep mode under a pile of soft-LOOKING laundry.

Now there’s no way i have a hangover, because my cybernetic liver keeps me immune to alcohol, but 0502 seems pretty damn slammed so it's like, oh gosh, why can’t i remember what happened last night. You might think this is the set up to a plotline which mirrors the 2000s hangover films, but you are wrong, we each drink a decent amount of milk and then drive down to work in our current state, i’m sure this will have no negative repercussions.

Surely enough it does. 0503 gets furious at us for coming in like that, especially since on top of us being “drunk” we also have our first job since taking a break for a pretty long time and we are rusty (literally, according to 0502 the behind the scenes of that tournament get so sweaty that it starts to affect your metal skin, if you have metal skin that is.)

Anywho today's target is a bad dude, the leader of  a huge crime ring in town Babs the Echidna. Not much is known about this man, but we are more than capable of doing a little necessary sleuthing, so we leave the office and get down to a rendezvous point for our client.

We walk along the coast to get there, stained black and orange, it really is quite beautiful , but the main sight i wanted 0502 to see is our angel buddy doing his job in there.

“Look at that guy, so dedicated, right?”

“Yeah, good for him, like WOW, so inspiring you know”

“Definitely, how cool that a dude like him could just show up and find a place to be accepted in the middle of a bay.”

“XD well when you put it that way...”

Finally we arrive at the address : 3301 Remmington Heights (fancy shmancy, right?) i’m surprised a fancypants living here would have an issue with the mob but that’s none of my business i suppose.

We wait outside for about 20 minutes before we start to get antsy.

“This guy’s not gonna show up, what do we do at this point?”

“It’s pretty weird but i figured he’d be here by now”

“But he’s clearly not gonna be here anytime soon, so what do we do”

“I mean, we could just hang out here”

“I don’t know about that. Doesn’t that seem shady to you?”

“Yeah, but like, what’s our alternative, what other options ARE there?”

“Go home and call it a day? “

“No way, I’d be worried”

“UGH”

“...”

After about 10 more minutes things start getting heavy. A smoke bomb is flung at us, real bad sign, but if the idiot had done his homework he’d know our eyes can see past crap like that no problem (thermal cameras [finger gun fire]). So we see our attacker, it looks like a teenage girl. Normally this would be shocking but eh, you come to see all kinds of things like this eventually. 0502 however seems even less amused by this because he just starts open firing from the tips of his fingers like gatling guns. Serious stuff. I meanwhile have been moving in the direction of the perpetrator without really knowing what to do when i get there, luckily she takes to shots to the leg so things should be ok. Sure enough, here she is crumpled up on the ground.

“Hey, sorry about that. Are you uhh, you know, gonna bleed out or something?” (i can’t tell if there is any blood from my thermal vision and the smoke)

“NO, obviously i’m JUST FINE”

Well i know this is getting REAL light novelly, but honestly my first thought is: we don’t need any characters like this around. So i just head back to dan and let him know

“I don’t think i can crack this one, man, you should give it a shot”

My voice full of resignation .

0502 sorts things out, the two of them actually talked for a really long time which is like, whatever, i think he has less of an issue with these sorts of things, people, objects, what have you. Anyway he returns to me with a whole story, but all i need to know is where the hell we’re headed next, seriously, i need a turn to do something badass…

CHAPTER 9: SOMETHING BADASS???

-12:30 PM, Neo-Mac

I need a break after that bullshit with that one girl, and i need to settle some things before we head into the furnace, seems like a great time to get some ice cream at the Neo-Mac we happened to walk by. First thing i do is take 3 right turns straight into that bathroom because that’s something i have to deal with.

-12:32, Neo-Mac

“Oh, hey, you’re not gonna want to go in there”

“0_0;;; uhh , yeah, it looks like there’s mold growing in there…”

“Well you know how it is…”

“Moldy bathrooms are just a fact of life at Neo-Mac now??”

“Well, I mean, ok it’s like this. We need someone to clean it, but Harold doesn’t want to do it, Jessica ACTS like she doesn’t want to (though i haven’t asked), and I WOULD do it, but Terry’s on break, and Terry LOVES cleaning stuff like this, so we’re saving the mess for him when he gets back from his break. He’s gonna love it.”

I step over to Aidan0502 as quickly as possible, turning sideways at all the right times to slip through the sea of humanity.

“This place is a fucking madhouse, we need to go NOW”

CHAPTER 10: THE DEFINITIVE CHAPTER OF THIS NOVEL

Ok, no more cream, no more creamingteaming, no more beaming.

ACTUALLY hopefully there will be SOME beaming going on in this one. The main point is thus: i am standing on the corner of hacksaw and black and i am ready to kick some teeth in.

The place looks very innocuous, as one would expect. One of these cute little dinners with the subway tile and everything, adorable. A true relic of the storied history of CansBava.

We bust in there ready to jam, there’s no customers, in fact, the lights are kinda dim “hey dan is this place even open?”

“?”

“Gotcha”

Anywho there’s like nobody here so we just start walking in little circles awkwardly looking at the ground for like… idk a secret button under a poster or something? We d9on’t find it, who cares. A lady with a mole walks out. I find myself taken by her winning smile, unable to speak. Aidan0502 does the honors

“Hello, I’d like a dizzy dial and a dry mushroom please”

“OOOOOOH, i see your game.” the lady croaks “you two think you can just waltz in here like you own the place because you had the password three months ago? Well la-dee-da, you creeps are the exact type the boss was tryna keep outta here.”

This doesn’t seem to bode well. Surely enough she hits a button under the counter which makes the innocuous security camera in the corner of the room light up and fire a thin red beam which cleaves straight through 0502, now, normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but this guy’s really not at his A-Game without his legs, so looks like it’s up to me to get us out of here.

“And what about you, eh? You gonna be a tough guy or are you gonna do what’s good for ya?”

“I’m a grl!”

Then i fucking blew her head clean off with a razer lazer super sling ring i had installed in my iris. She got so cocky she didn’t see it coming (i also think she may have been phased by my response). Anywho, time to consult my best friend who is now a pair of legs standing over a state of the art metal torso.

“So uh… are we gonna call it, or…?”

“Um.. I mean, what do you wanna do?”

“Let’s sit down and really consider our options, yeah?”

“Shall we start with a umm, refractory period?”

“Perfect.”

CHAPTER 11: NO ACTUALLY IT DOES

*ksssshhhhhhhhhhh*

“Testing testing, 1, 2,3?”

“Ah!”

“Hello, my name is Michi and i will be your narrator for some time. You see, those “ace ASSASSins are busy fucking around right now having their all important ‘refractory period’ and it looks like it’s up to me to take over for this one.”

…

“I know what you losers are probably thinking, ‘who the hell is this bitch and who let her into my story?’ well i’m glad you asked. All will reveal itself as i go about this charper spelling out my side of things”

…

“Still not impressed, huh? Well, then, let’s just get started.”

So it all started this last neo-saturday. I had the day off so i was bored silly and all my friends were probably hanging out without me. So i asked my self-help droid “Garcia! WHAT ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE CANSBAVA AREA?”

“You don’t have to enunciate so strongly miss, once again i remind you that i am a 7th generation protocol d-”

“YEAH YEAH, JUST DO IT OK?”

“Hm.”

And that’s how i ended up working for Babs the Echidna. Simple see? I mean, not like he was the first guy to pop up, you know, but you go two blocks in this degenerate town and you waltz right on into the military and that’s that. Sorry, not military, i meant mafia, you see the confusion, after all gang wars are pretty much the only type of war we see anymore, well that and nuclear, but that’s nothing, ya know?

In any case, i got my position as a grunt and it’s been a pretty good gig, i took pretty natural to it, ya know? Just a little something to do on weekends, bust some heads, make a little scratch on the side, win-win-win you know? I may even quit my day job at this rate, things there just seem to get duller and duller, you know? It’s like, how am I supposed to stay motivated when all  my clients are these huge idiotic animals that can’t even help themselves, right? Not to mention my stupid ex just HAPPENS to pass by it every so often, he’s CLEARLY stalking me. Honestly, I think I just need to get a fresh start, and Babs is the guy to do it if ever there was one. The guy’s real charismatic, but he doesn’t speak to much, not like all the freaks who gave me shit at my old gig, you know?

Huh? What’s that? You wanna know my old job? UGH fine, you whiny little bitches always gotta derail a good story at the best part.

I was a psycho-therapist working at some idiot old fart’s firm, gosh, but anyway, those idiots and assholes are far behind me now.

SO AS I WAS SAYING, hey, wait? Where are you going?? You’re telling me those shitheads finished refracting? Well fuck , things were just getting good. You Cretin plebeian fucking layabouts know nothing about good storytelling my god!

CHAPTER 12: A NOT_SO DIRECT CONTINUATION OF CHAPTER 10

And now for the main event, sorry about that folks.

So dan and i finish refracting after say, a good 5 minutes, nothing special. Now time for the plan to become planned

“Ok, now time for the plan to become planned”

“No more refraction necessary?”

“I mean what do you think, you need to refract more?”

“Uhh, no i guess not”

“Fine then, so what are we gonna do? You’re in two relatively useless pieces and I am a fleshy man with no cloud backup, are we gonna turn in?”

“I mean, it’s like an hourlong trip you know? I don’t REALLY wanna have to leave and come back and everything…”

“So you think i should waltz on in there and get my head splattered all over the place?”

“I mean, not splattered, but like… squished?”

“Splooshed”

“Exactly”

“I find this line of thought unhelpful. Why don’t i sever your head and carry it around like a medusa snak grl and then you can shoot all the dudes for me?”

“UM”

“Great.”

So i split 0502’s head from his body and picked it up, it was surprisingly lightweight and very easy to hold like a football, SO CUTE. Anyway, with dan in tow we start looking for like, what i guess would have to be a secret passage? The kitchen seems like the place to be for that, but them i’m like, oh duh, how stupid, it’s OBVI in the supply closet DUH so i go there and sure enough the mop bucket is in fact not a bucket but a disguise for a trapdoor in the ground which is VERY small, i guess it’s echidna sized? In any case, I need a way to know this is safe.

“Aidan I’m gonna drop your head into this small hole in the floor are you ok with this Y/N”

“You know ending questions like that is super not ok right? “

“What, it’s you guys that started that phrasing in the first place”

“I mean, technically it was programmed into us, not really like, OUR idea, you know?”

“Oh my gosh i can’t believe we’re thought policing eachother at a time like this so stupid”

Then i dropped his stupid head down the hole.

“AAAH, WAIT, I FORGOT TO ASK WHY YOU WANTED TO DROP ME DOWN HERE?”

“Oh, to scout it out, you know? See if it’s safe?”

“Uhh, it’s… um, DANK, and uhh”

“Oh dear”

“Should be fine, in any case you have to come down here now to get me”

“I mean i COULD leave you there”

“>~<;”

That look told me all i needed to know so i dropped down there, i was almost too much of a fat disgusting cow person to fit, but i did. No idea how i’m getting back up though.

“Oh crap, you know what we should’ve brought your legs so we could rocket propulse ourselves out of here later”

“Eh”

Well we’re here now, there’s a little dim light in the corner, and it’s kinda wet in that basementy way, very peculiar. In any case, it seems like there’s just one door to go through. Keeping in my genius infiltration strategy thusfar, i destroy the door with lazer eye super cool powers and then roll 0502’s head into the room to scout, unfortunately he stops rolling by bumping into something and his head winds up upside-down which is a handicap if you are a scout and your main job is to survey an area, he complained a lot about this but that’s really very irrelevant and just sort of irritating. One justified complaint he has with my excellent handiwork is that my lazers have drawn attention and some cyborg echidnas are now shooting at him, normally that would seem bad but i’m sure he can take them upside down. He nails one of them with a laserbeam but then the other one shoots him in the eye, disabling his cool mechanism for lazers and possibly frying his brain? There’s really no way of knowing because it sends him into shutdown and then it’s up to me, now HOPEFULLY this asshole doesn’t know i’m on the other side of the doorframe but who knows, right? I mean this is where the lazer sounds started, sure enough, he approaches, now normally i’d whip out my old-timey lazer gun and have it ready to shoot the dude’s brain, but i have no idea what an echidna looks like and therefore how high to aim, like, at all. Real bad. So when i see this guy turn the corner, even though I IN RETROSPECT OF COURSE totally could’ve nailed the guy, he stuns me and takes me into the backroom to meet his boss, probably to get murdered after telling them who sent me? Very bad stuff.

CHAPTER 13:YOU’RE NOT THE NERD

Oh hey, we’re back, FANtastic. Now then. Babs is here, things are bad, the dude’s you know, pretty intimidating, and he seems like he’s not into the idea of letting me off with a warning.

“HEY MAN”

Babs seems thrown off by my foreward nature and stops in his chair, looking at me stunned

“WHAT’S THE DEAL MAAAAAAAAAAAN? YoU GOT SOMETHING AGAINST GAMER GRLS?”

“Um, uhh, ummm, uh um uuuuuuhhh, um… Boris, please, execute the guy, i don’t think he’s gonna be able to make it work”

Boris scoots on in. He’d be a pretty cute little rodent if he wasn’t gearing up to murder me. I’m in like a pretty bad spot, you know? I REALLY don’t know what to do about it and-

CHAPTER 14: THE DEATH OF SUOLY (AS READ BY MICHI TORANOSUKE)

SO anyway , continuing from last time, pretty soon after I join up, Babs tells me it’s time we get rid of our competition, starting with the 0503 assassination firm, who’ve done nothing but obstruct business in CansBava since their inception. UGHg

In any case it looks like a pretty cool experience and or chance to prove my skills by nailing some fuckers, so i get my mask on and all that, and I put in the request with 0503 and then I go get Space cream because who knows how long it’ll take to get someone on the job, right?

WELL it turns out those stupid nerds were just SO EAGER to help my nubile teenage ass (fucking perverts) that they were already at the place for hours. I can’t believe two total losers like this are seriously the go-to assassins in CansBava, i mean really? Some porky hipster fucking wannabe trashboy and an outdated robot? REAL impressive. In any case, using my superior intellects and inherently more powerful physical abilities, I throw a smoke bomb at the bozos and YOU KNOW WHAT? Before I even have a chance to get my  ninja skills on those freaks i’ve got a leg full of bullet holes, like seriously?? COME ON, i could be a crazy powerful assassin too if i fucking jumped the gun all the time and just SHOT AT RANDOM COOLGIRLS.

Anywho, the fatso approaches me next, and i am not having it with that ugly motherfucker. He’s clearly just trying to bone me so I let him know i am NOT INTERESTED . the loser holds to his stupid hipster pride and just LEAVES without saying aNYTHING . rude. Then the gayboy makes his entrance, turns out he’s a pretty nice guy, and he butters me up in aaaaall the right ways and doesn’t even stare at me bulging breasts. WELL mister cool cool for coolgirls, If my body won’t do it for ya, maybe my info will. I let him in on where to go for the boss but this is ALL part m=if OF MY SUPER SMART PLAN obvi. Those guys are gonna get there and get totally fucked into a skid mark on the wall when Babs is done with em.

So they take off, and of course the SO RUDELY leave me on the ground with my leg bleeding out EVERYWHERE (like seriously, aren’t there any good MEN out there anymore?). I gotta call my OWN doctor, and he takes like FIFTEEN MINUTES to get down here, like ugh, and you know what he does? IN 2025?! Dude says “nah bro, gotta amputate that” and I’m thing, oh well i was never a FAN of the tin foil arts and crafts people strap on to their stubs nowadays, but maybe i’ll at least get some cool features out of it, but NOPE. dude hacks it off and throws a freaking PEG on there T_T.

So i freaking have to call a taxi to get me back to the base of ops (that’s base of OPERATIONS for you pre-geners) AND LIKE, ugh, good luck doing that with a fucking PEG in this superficial fucking city.

By the time i get there i see the robot torn to pieces, like, whatever, and teh cow person appears to be tied up with a gun to his head, like SERIOUSLY? I go through ALL THIS SHIT to get him here and they don’t even wait for me to get the party bumpin’?

“YO BABS”

“!?”

“You’re not seriously thinking of killing this guy without me are you? Look at this peg! Look at the bullshit i had to ENDURE to get these fuckers down here, the least you can do is give me the honor of ending his ass.”

“Oh dear… oooh dear, uhh, ok, umm, listen, Michi, you’ve been a liability since day one ok? I was hoping these wiseguys would have the stones to kill you for themselves, but It looks like I was mistaken. You really are a cockroach, even more than you are a parasite. Boris, end this scum first before she tries to pull anything.”

“AS IF!!!”

THIS FUCKER’S ASKING FOR IT NOW! I flip out my dualshock pistols with OH SO COOL lightning speed and level the guns at both babs and Boris. Boris has just begun to pull the trigger by the time his puny legs give out underneath him from my aforementioned LIGHTNING fast reflexes.

“WELL, Babs? What’s it gonna be? Not so tough without your executioner now are you?”

“W-w-w-w--ww--w-ww--w-w--w-w-w--w-w-whhahhhat do you want from me eh? You wanna kill this piece a garbage, go on ahead, prove yourself”

“I’LL PROVE MYSELF ALRIGHT!”

CHAPTER 15: BACK ON TRACK

Babs, the poor little Echidna, pops like a balloon. Gosh, this lady is nuts, I knew we were better off without a character like her around, i ought to have killed her while i had the chance, but well, i mean at least i guess she saved my life? I imagine I’m only gonna be able to appreciate that for not much longer though… I need a plan…

Then the girl turns to me, and yells

“WELL? What’re you looking at?”

“Isn’t it about time you murdered me? I figured a ‘hotshot’ like you would’ve nailed me to the wall by now”

“NAH, fuck it, this isn’t fun anymore. I don’t work for these jackasses and i’m certainly not looking for your approval you rat”

“Oh, well in that case could you,”

She’s gone. Up and walked out without even pretending to listen to what I had to say.

This leaves me in a predicament. These guys were definitely pros and they did a damn good job tying me up… As a matter of fact i don’t know if i CAN get out no matter how much a struggle. I can’t even turn this into a nap because i’m so uncomfortable, what with the smell of blood and hell, just the DUST in this place, like geez, I’d figured that lady up top would clean this place out sometime. This is exactly the kind of thing TERRY would love… I wonder how real that is? Or if the world is just full of people like babs, people who just sit around making messes and waiting for the Terrys of the world to clean up. The latter is certainly true, but the first, well who knows, maybe Terry really did love messes? Maybe we all do? I can’t think of any other reason i’d let myself get into stupid situations like this i mean seriously… I was so eager to show off how cool i was, and now I’m tied up. Hoo man. Yup, that’s me, just one big mess making person. With Brenna and Victoria and 0502 and myself, and now this, what am I doing? How LONG am i gonna be stuck here? How long is it gonna take for me to start living the way i already know i should be? How long before I stop being such a damn hypocrite and start doing something of value. … …

…

…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

…

…

Yeah, sounds like there’s nobody here…

I’m gonna die just sitting here, without any of the flash It would’ve had otherwise, without any of the SPEED to be certain, i mean MY GOSH can you imagine dying of thirst? Just SITTING without anything to distract you from the fact that you’re dying slowly? Real lame. Real real lamb to be certain.

…

I think what REALLY gets me about Super Paper Mario is that it’s simultaneously a celebration and critique of the series, like the way there’s all this extra stuff behind what would seem like a simple thing is really a core part of the gameplay and the narrative and the metanarrative and the way it plays around with the conventions of even it’s own series is like a cool part of that and there’s never REALLY been a game in that vein ever since, and it’s a GOOD formula, but people just weren’t ready for…………

…

I wonder what DAY it is? Namely, is it tomorrow? I guess I dozed off despite my aforementioned discomfort.... In fact my neck feels like if i move even a tiny bit like it’ll REALLY hurt, so i can’t even look around… oh gosh…

Maybe i oughta actually put in some effort here, instead of waiting to either die or magically get rescued.. I don’t exactly have many tools to my disposal, I mean i have my lazer eyes but that’s a whole other story i mean if i aimed those things at the rope here it’d probably burn a hole straight through me…

I think i hear footsteps? Very bad, definitely a negative sign, but it figures someone would be coming down here after all this time, no way someone like babs had only three lackeys, i mean, cum on…

They sound like otherwise cute little echidna steps too, which means it’s gotta be someone with something to say, like someone with some real standing, or at the very least someone short enough that i don’t quite know how to handle them…

Maybe i can talk my way out of this…

“?! Who are you?? What’s Gone down here? Where’s Babs?”

“Oh Babs, you know.”

“Hey man, no funny business, you seem to forget the position you’re in right now!”

“He’s like suuuuper dead, popped like a balloon, it was real gross honestly”

“Heh, yeah right, what do you think i am some kinda clownboy? Tell me what’s REALLY going on here, and i swear if you pull any of that funny business, you’ll get one through the crotch.”

“Heheh, you know, it’s funny you mention crotches, specifically that you mention my crotch, you see the thing that’s funny about that is that’s exactly where babs was about to lay waste to me too. This may be hard to believe, but your boss was sort off, well, let's just put it nicely and say he was gonna tie me up so he can fuck me like an animal, no offense of course, but right now he’s leaving me alone, i’ve got a real neglect fetish you know? So babs likes to get me nice and deprived before he tears me apart, you probably don’t wanna be here when that happens.”

“You.. You’re kiddin’ me.. Bjt i can tell from the look in your eyes that you’re serious, those fuck me eyes, you really are tellin’ me the truth..”

“Yyyyup, so if yu could-”

“BABS YOU CHEATING BITCH GET OUT HERE!!!! AND YOU, I think you’d better leave with your tail between your damn legs before Babs gets back, before i fucking strangle you myself! “

This seems fortunate. The echidna, fuming red, fires a shot at me, narrowly missing my voluptuous chest, and burning off my restraints.

I take of running and make a quick plea

“I’m so sorry i had no idea i thought i was the only girl for babs, really, i’m so sorry, i never would’ve done it if i had known...”

Etc. until i’m out of earshot and into the light of what appears to be midnight in CansBava’s entertainment district. Fantastic.

CHAPTER 16: WHAT HAS DO AND OTHERS

Many days later. I have quit the association and or agency, call it what you will. I am clearly not built for that kind of work and dammit, i’m just not gonna keep doing bullshit like that all the time.

I need time

To myself.

…

I need… Tiiiiiiime.

CHAPTER 17: MONTHS IN THE FUTURE

H…

H huhh uuhu uhu huh?

Uuh.

I’ve been here in my room… for daaaaaaaaaays……………. But… uuuuuh… damn… you know, it’s fascinating what total isolation will do to you after months.

I need to, i gotta i uh i’m a uh i uh

I hate myself

I need to do something

And i

I can’t do anything

I’m over. Done. I’m dead, it’s all over for me.

I remember When things used to be ok, but those days are long gone…

Is this what idiot millennials used to say when they had a “quarter life crisis”?

Ugh, i’m gonna shoot myself, i need a goal

I need a GOAL!

CHAPTER 18: A SELF HELP STRATEGY FOR THE EVERYDAY MAN

I’m going to have sex with every girl i was into in highschool, that’s it, that’s the only option available to me, that’s it, that’s all i can do, that’s it!!!

Target #1: Brenna Toiner

This is a good place to start. Brenna and I were super into each other when i was like 15. She always made fun of me for falling in love with girls so easily and we rode the bus together and she taught me what bondage is because she thought it was funny that i didn’t know and she had a dirty mouth and a dirty mind and she was a super hot tiny red haired girl with really gigantic hair.

I am going to Neo New Canada to seek her out and reclaim what i lost when things between us fell out. My self respect!

But I never had any self respect. What AM i doing this for?

WHY THE FUCK DID I COME ALL THE WAY TO TORONTO?

I am going to get a room here for the night and do some real self-examination and kill myself and leave first thing in the morning.

My hotel is decently cool. Imagine a shelf hotel only it’s even smaller because your conscious mind-data is temporarily removed from your body to inhabit a virtual room which is very large while your body sits in a 50 story dumpster full of bodies. Nice place.

But you know what it doesn’t have?

AND ICE MACHINE (or ice bucket)!

Ugh, that’s like the whole cool thing about hotels. You think just because I have no physical sensation i can’t enjoy GETTING ICE? I mean that’s what it’s all about anyway right? Just GETTING the ice!! HAVING the ice. IT FEELS GOOD damn it.

Hoo.

Oof.

Ok anyway. Let’s uh… analyze ourselves.

._.

CHAPTER 19: FEAR AND LOATHING IN NEO NEW TORONTOKYO

Waking up in a daze i find myself well dressed and cleaner than usual standing in the hotel lobby… i guess they wash your body here while you rest in the memory banks, that’s pretty nice of them, you get a little perverted non consensual spa day in (AN: probably it was consensual in some form somewhere). In any case, this isn’t that big a deal. I think i’m going to take several steps back and get back to basics. I’m gonna go eat a nice brunch and enjoy the fresh torontokyo air and feel AOK and WAKE UP and be alive and then take a train back to CansBava and re-evaluate.

I figure while I’m here i may as well do a little sight seeing so i end up and Casa Loma (i guess a lot of people go here because they shoot a lot of movies here but i am here because i like scott pilgrim… well actually i guess the scott pilgrim movie was actually partially shot at Casa Loma huh? That’s pretty trippy) IN ANY CASE, it’s pretty darn cool. I walk along every last step takinging in the fact that “the rails are” in fact “garbage” and i feel very very smart for seeing this. This is so cool, Toronto, Canada really is a magical land.

Getting hungry I take off for sneaky dee's, however, upon arriving i remember that despite being a native texan i actually don’t really like tex mex and i certainly don’t trust a place in canada to get it right anyway, much like the “cal-mex” place in brooklyn (though i’m sure that place is good because everything in brooklyn was great). Also they always said the food was horrible in the book, so maybe i’ll see some more sights and eat at pizza pizza and get in a visit to lee’s palace while i’m at it (though in retrospect it probably doesn’t look that cool during the midday). I figure i’ll just head in here for one drink and NOT tequila that’s for damn sure, that stuff is toxic.

I sit down and look at the counter in front of me. It occurs to me that even when compared to the cast of Scott Pilgrim i am not really very outgoing and i am suddenly very nervous as i have never ordered and drank an alcoholic beverage at a bar before. Is this a weird thing to do alone? I’m not sure, but by the time i reach to get my jacket off the chair it is far too late-

“What can i get for ya’?”

Without looking up i give my order

“Uuuuh uhuhuhuhuhuhuhhuuhuhu uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh (kind of like that time tails has to remember his home phone number when that tree attacks him [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZjVlnTIyWk] by the way, isn’t it weird that a tree attack’s tails? Isn’t it supposed to be about environmental messages? I mean not sonic says, but sonic as a whole???) uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh I’LL HAVE… A CUBA LIBRE (pronounced cooba leebreh)(i was taking a long time to decide whether or not to call it that or just a rum and coke but this lady is probably pretty intelligent, i mean she is a bartender after all)”

“Coming up”

I like this bartender, she seems very cool about everything. I mean i guess there aren’t any customers so like whatever but…

In any case, when she hands me my drink (which is delicious by the way) I realize that looking down is bad for many reasons. I it counter to what Crim says to do in .hack//SIGN, it’s disrespectful to this great service woman, and i’m not able to fully take in the sneaky dee's atmosphere! I need to get out of my head, so i look up at her and nod approvingly but THEN I END UP GETTING EVEN MORE IN MY HEAD BECAUSE I THINK THIS BARMAID IS BRENNA.

CHAPTER 20: WHY CAN’T I LEAVE ME ALONE

I could say something. I… should? Say something? No, no of course not, she wants nothing to do with me i’m sure, even if we were friends, she’s working now. But if i am gonna move here it’d probably be nice to have a friend… i’m sure she doesn’t need any friends though, i mean cum on, she’s lived here forever OMG THERE ARE REASONS FOR ME TO HANG OUT WITH HER THIS IS A REVERSE SCOTT PILGRIM WHERE THE MANIC PIXIE DREAMGIRL IS THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN IN TORONTO FOREVER AND THE SHITTY UNEMPLOYED GUY IS THE NEW ONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!!!!

This is terrifying.

Also,

She appears to have noticed that i've been staring at her this whole time. She seems… unpleased.

“Do i… know you from somewhere? You look familiar… “

OK CALM DOWN. She’s probably just saying this to get the topic of of her deliciously flat chest and short skirt and hair and FOCUS> she has made contact. We need to get it together. DO WE RESPOND POSITIVELY? WELL, it’s kind of in my code not to lie, though i don’t exactly mind simply not divulging info, however she did kind of ask me a direct question so maybe-

“BRENNA? BRENNA TOINER? BRENNA TOINER FROM HIGHSCHOOL?”

I hear myself speak.

It’s over for me. I’m done.

CHAPTER 21: COMPLETELY ARBITRARY CHAPTER BREAK

“Oh gosh, uhh… i’m sorry…”

“I’m Suoly! We rode the bus together in 9th grade in CansBava? Remember? We were like neighbors for a year, remember? I was like totally into you and it got super weird?”

“OH FUCK.”

“Yeah sorry, I wasn’t gonna bother you but you know, you asked me first so I had to.”

“Uh, no, yeah, that’s ok”

“SO, uh, uh, um, what’re you up to? You’ve clearly gotten a cooler job than me”

“Oh, yeah, right? It’s pretty lame here though, despite the fact that it’s from Scott Pilgrim”

“WELL I think it’s SUPER cool.”

“And uh, what are you doing?”

“I’m between jobs at the moment”

(then i wink at her a lot trying to see if she can get the Scott Pilgrim reference)

“Oh, heh, ok”

(FUCK, she didn’t get it!!!! Now I feel like such an idiot, the conversation is dead forever! How can I talk to someone who doesn’t get a mid-tier SP reference like that????)

“UM”

“...?”

“DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE SEX… CASUAL SEX.”

“Pfft, sorry buddy, nice reference though”

“Oh yeah? Thanks (yess) so, what, do you have a girlfriend now?”

“Uh, kind of… not really.”

“Fascinating. Well. (then i gulp down my entire drink) *GASP* ugh, oh shit, agh, bluh, *CLEARS THROAT HEAVILY* well, i uhh, i think i oughta get out of here, i don’t wanna terrorize you anymore.”

“Oh, you don’t have to… Gosh you’re so fucking weird about everything.”

But by the time she get that one out I have already run far far away and very fast. It is over for me. I am done. I think I’ve been down this road enough at this point though so who cares.

What do I do now?

Wait, why am I even asking that? Nothing’s different, we had a plan, that whole fucking nightmare was just a stop on the way to pizza pizza, right, right, and there’s no reason for anything to even be any different. How stupid of me. How dramatic. Oof.

I wanna cry.

Suddenly, my baseless desires are cut off by my phone. It’s a text from Brenna herself… oh dear…

“Hey, is this still your number?”

I gotta think this over, this is so weird, why is she sexting me? Why WOULD she? For what possible reason? *sigh* better just respond normally, not say anything more than i need to.

“I”M SO SORRY ABOUT TODAY IT’S JUST I’VE BEEN IN A REALLY DARK PLACE LATELY MY BEST FRIEND IS DEAD AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING ANYMORE AND I HAVE NOTHING AND NOBODY AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND IF I LET ANY OF THAT HORRIBLE DESPERATION RUB OFF ON YOU IN MY TIME RUINING YOUR DAY TODAY I AM SO SO SO SORRY PLEASE JUST FORGET THAT I EVEN CAME IN TODAY.”

There. A perfect response. No way something like that can come back to get me.

Oh?

“You fucking weirdo. How long are you in town?”

“I was planning on leaving tomorrow. WELL ACTUALLY I was planning on maybe moving here and starting over but after i tarnished your coolness with my presence today I got scared and now I’m probably going to go back tomorrow”

“where are you staying”

“At the corpsevault downtown, why? Are we gonna have an AfFaIr? O~o;”

“You know what, I’m already tired of talking to you again”

Hmm…

Is that a success? It seems like a failure… I uhh… I don’t even know what I want right now. In any case, at least I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Yyyyyyyup.

No more worries.

“i’m so sorry I keep doing this stupid thing where i keep sabotaging myself and being overtly hateful to everyone around me and i can’t explain why and i think Dylan was right about me being a sociopath.”

I’m so fucked up.

Looking at that text feels just like shinji looking at his masturbatory remains on Asuka’s body. I feel like i’ve done something very very wrong in a moment of animalistic emotional idiocy. I’m supposed to be better than that. No matter how much i screw up for logical reasons, i’m not supposed to do that. I hope she doesn’t respond to that. I KNOW she won’t respond to that, because she’s not a weak person like me. I know i can’t just move on, but i need to just internalize this issue. I have to stop making it someone else’s problem.

“OH, hey by the way, you remember Dylan? Well, actually they’re transexual and she goes by Lily now. Crazy, right? Who would’ve guessed. Probably a lot of people actually, but I never think of things in those terms you know?”

“Oh, except for the way I obviously just hate women”

… What the hell am i doing?

“My gosh! You see what you’re doing to me? You’re making me regress back into my sophomore year self, i’m like so beyond all that garbage now, I’m like, like, I really had this phase after you left, actually no it was right before. Point is i made a big deal out of trying to get past that but i really did and even Lucy and i got closure and it was cool”

“Oh, you don’t even know who Lucy is, sorry”

“You know what, please don’t respond to any of this, i’m not myself right now, i’m a monster, i’m going to kill myself”

“Don’t worry the suicide part was a joke. Maybe that’s obvious. The point is, i’m not trying to do a stupid passive aggressive guilt trip thing, you know i hate that”

…

…

I need to go to bed before this gets any worse…

CHAPTER 22: TAKIN’ A BREAK FROM THE HEAVY STUFF TO SHOOT SOME B-BALL

I wake up at something like 10 am, an extremely boring and average, completely unremarkable hour. The fact that i even reported such a thing is a huge problem. The chapter title appears to indicate we will play baseball or no, sorry, basket ball. I’m not as much of a baller as I’d like to be. Still, you were promised basket ball, so I guess i’ll… hit the court before I head back to CansBava.

Or We could take the B-line straight home, hit those courts hard and fast with all our chrome, light up the dome with the foam which represents our SICK BBAL prowess.

For the uninitiated, the B-line is a train which hot ballers like me get to enter a simulation of b-bal while we wait, every single passenger plays on a court where nobody can feel any pain so everyone goes hardcore and there are no fouls so it’s brutal and it’s like basketball valhalla.

Bad news, it’s like 10,000 macca to board but whatever, anything for you guys .-.

CHAPTER 23: RE-BECOMING THE GREATNESS WE NEVER WEREN’T

Sitting in my room, thinking about myself, touching myself.

Such is the life of one Suoly Perrotti. I should text my sister, i mean it’s been forever… But I need to stop making all of my problems someone else’s problem. I need to stop going to dark places mentally and immediately seeking the comfort of the people I care about. If i keep doing that, they’ll all see how horrible i am and hate me.

So for now, it’s back to the old cycles. By the way, the money is running a little low lately, i have some savings, but i’m just in a bad spot because of that freaking B-line trip. I guess i thought i would have sex with all these girls and then i would find the strength to get a great new job, but that never goes like that. I wish Allison would respond to me. I wish I didn’t feel like such a criminal every time I add another unanswered message onto the pile.

I need to play Funyons and Fragments solo. I know it might feel weird, and it might just remind me of how 0502 is dead now, but i’d really be an idiot to miss out on the best game of our generation. There must be some way to not have it be a glaring reminder that my best and arguably only friend in the world is dead…

Hmm…

You know what might work? Maybe if i just play as his old character, i can convince myself I AM HIM and then play the game no worries. I will probably become a happier person in the process.

So I log on and go through the rigmarole of starting it up on a different account and everything.

…

…

...sorry this takes a while…

…

Ok! I’m online now, very cool, playing as the adorable redhead maid grl MAIDEN 0502. Immediately i realize that the two of us have been playing this game all wrong the entire time. Specifically, I cannot believe we BOTH played characters of the gender we are not attracted to, this is insane, playing as this big boobed delicious chubby maid girl is the single most liberating and amazing feeling ever only attainable through nerv gear. This must be like an amazing platform for transgender people. In any case, I’m just having the time of my life going to 0502’s and my house and taking off all my stupid clothes and looking at myself masturbate for like 10 hours. THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN WHY DID I NOT REALIZE THIS SOONER??? Probably because I never played single player. Maybe I just didn’t expect nerv would get sexual pleasure down on their hardware, i wonder if people have cybersex on here all the time? Actually this would be a super easy way to cheat on your lover and have it be totally untraceable except by the… admins…

I look up to the ceiling as if looking for reponse… Some administrator is watching me right now, huh? Probably…

“Yeah? You like that, don’t you?!”

I get a second wind from this idea and masturbate in a way i imagine would look appealing to an outside observer as i often did in front of my phone camera for the NSA (back when there was an NSA) and any hackers (who’d have ways to see me even without my phone camera). This lasts another 10 hours. Then it hits me:

Holy shit… I DON’T FEEL TIRED.

Can it be as long as your pain threshold is set off that you don’t feel ANY sense of fatigue in the game??? IS THIS A PERFECT UNIVERSE??? Is my body being completely destroyed on the outside world as i go hours and hours without sleep, having my brain work twice as hard to send all its signals to a no doubt piping hot computer hooked into my brain?

And more importantly……

CHAPTER 24: WHO CARES?

So, just thought I’d take a moment to check in with you guys since I’ve been having a LOT of free time lately. Well, technically, only freetime. Life in Funyons and Fragments has been absolutely amazing, just masturbating as a cute maid girl and going to hot lesbian taverns and taking home other girls who are probably guys irl, it’s been awesome. I don’t know why this isn’t how everyone lives, it’s a life without worry! With no work to get in your way, no sleep to slow you down, you don’t even have to eat, or feel any pain at all. Truly this is the peak of human achievement. I don’t know how long I’ve been here, and i don’t care. The funyon lifestyle is the only way for a gal like me.

CHAPTER 25: THE DEATH OF SUOLY, B-SIDE (AS READ BY CHIHIRO CHOMPSKY)

Oh, hey, so yeah, sorry this is kind of abrupt i guess, but i have to narrate this chapter because, well, you, you’ll see really soon don’t worry it’ll be like seriously zero time.

So basically I got a call from the hospital today, and they said that Suoly was found dead in his apartment after some neighbor filed a complaint about the smell. It’s really not a good thing, but it was weird that I was his emergency contact of all people. You think it’d be his dad or something but knowing him, and how he had a huge crush on me, i guess this fits his usual MO, so like, if he killed himself, then I’d HAVE to know, you know? Real twisted thinking he had, but he was a good guy, for the most part. I mean he certainly didn’t think so but does anyone? Anyway, it’s not a huge deal. He’s in a coma right now, you know the technology these days. When I say coma by the way, i don’t mean he’s asleep in a bed somewhere, nobody’s got space for that anymore, his brain is just floating in a tube of coolant, trying to recover from being starved and dried out while working at two times capacity for several days. It’s like a computer right? You just have it do like the worst infinite loop ever and eventually something’s gonna melt. I think some of it’s melted, i don’t know, i didn’t go look at the brain myself, i mean, that’d be like, really weird.

I know what you must be thinking “oh man, this lady’s sooo boring, why’s she gotta narrate this part?” well settle down, listen, i don’t like this either, you know? I’m really busy lately, not like it’s a big deal or anything, but i don’t know if i can really do this the way he used to. In fact, going back and reading this stuff was pretty interesting. Like, it’s not great writing or anything, but he really stuck to it and he always had something to say. In any case, this was his story, and i think it’d be wrong of me to try to actually continue it permanently from this point on, i just figured i had a responsibility to let you know that he’s probably not gonna make it out of this, so the story might kind of be over now.

Sorry.

WHAT HAS DO...

-VOL.2: Creepy Connections and Cutthroat Critter CatAssTrophy

So here’s my problem

~ahem.

So here’s my problem.

Incest.

Apparently it’s supposed to be a pretty bad deal. I get it. I’m not a monster. Power dynamics and whatnot, that kinda thing creeps me out to be honest, but there’s just something gnawing at me it seems like nobody gets.

You know what I think is sick?

Every one of you fuckers has probably heard the trope that people always fall for people that remind them of their parents. After all, what is a husband or wife but a new father or mother that you can have sex with and that, hopefully, treats you more like an equal.

I mean seriously, people wanting to protect each other and wanting to be protected? Why don’t you just crawl back into the womb? Here, no need to be embarrassed, look, I’ll even answer my own question first if that’ll make you all more comfortable.

It’s because for me, that womb is a frozen hellscape.

Who knows, for you it may be comfortable. It may be warm and cozy inside, but in reality there are too many hangups. Too many bodies hanging from the ceiling for you to feel aok letting this person tuck you in at night. I know people like you. I know every last one of you fuckers. You want something easy, you want someone new. Someone who hasn’t hurt you yet, or maybe someone you haven’t hurt, maybe you’re even naive and deluded enough to believe it’s someone who’ll never hurt you.

If only, my friend, if only.

But i can empathize with you. I could go on for hours about the mind-fuckery. Believe me, it doesn’t take a college degree to whine about how your parents fucked you up, and it doesn’t even take that much fucking up to have a sexual feeling for your parents. So I’ll spare you the details. Rest assured, I’m not going down that path. Even I want something a tad easier. Even I can’t pretend to be that black-pilled.

What do I want then? Simple. I want a loving face. I want a warm body. I want to be protected. I want my mother to accept me. I want to get back at her in some small way. Perhaps that’s not so simple. Perhaps I never wanted any of this, after all, words have a way of reducing someone’s original thought. The point is: I’m fucking my sister tonight.

It’s not complicated at all, and frankly I can’t understand how it should be. After all, if we accept that people just want to be with their parents, without the weight of being with one’s parents, why not settle for the next closest thing? That being a more.... Fresh? No, no even I know that sounds perverted. A more palatable member of one’s immediate family. It’s very simple really. In fact, it’s such a simple logical connection I’m frankly astonished I’ve been milking it for nigh on two pages now. Delightful. And still, you people can’t seem to get it through your thick skulls, huh? You think it’s “icky” don’t you? No? Too “easy” perhaps? That’s just another way of saying you’re jealous you didn’t think of it first even though it’s so obvious. Yes, it is easy. Practically common sense, were it not for the expectation that you not. Were it not that, admit it, your parents, you old hag mother, still has a hold on you. It’d feel like cheating, wouldn’t it? To look over your shoulder with daddy’s little girl in arm and say “sayonara old man”. But if you had the balls, if you could get your head out of your own ass for once, then you’d see just how fucked up the power dynamics could get. Forget about “taking advantage of someone” that kind of bullshit is optional, not necessary, only for those of you truly screwed beyond hope right through your worthless skulls. I’m talking about something real, real power, ages of repressed anger, teen angst given tangible form because those feelings never go away, no matter how good it was you know something went wrong. Some clerical error, some bad day, maybe there was traffic on the road, and you’re just dying to say it.

“Sayonara old man”

Chapter 26: Mad Money Makes Me Murder My Mixed-Up Mother, Mostly

To kill a man. Pittence. To kill a man in CansBava. Sunday morning.

To kill a wealthy man in CansBava.

The very suggestion of it makes me laugh.

The rain pounds against my window pane, enveloping my room in a delicate and constantly evolving texture over the thick neon glow from my window. Something like this is truly beautiful. A rare sight in a town like this, and yet still. Still I cannot be satisfied with it.

Why, you say?

Well, embarrassing as it is to admit I… Well I guess I’ll stop acting cool and just explain, you see I was planning on having this super cool line about how there’s a storm brewing in CansBava, how something in the air tells me things are about to hit the fan on this one, but obviously that kind of line only works when there are clouds out and about, making their merry way through the sky, but now? Well now it’s just pathetic. Clearly any neanderthal could tell you a storm is already in action when uttering such a line in such context. An intellectual such as myself need not remind the riff-raff of such matters.

In any case, I suppose it’s about time I introduce myself. I am Julio Luiz Direjos, one of the few men of culture left in this heaven-forsaken city.

Now where was I? Of, but of course, how impolite of me, sometimes these flights of fancy simply get the best of me. What I had meant to say is as such: in no uncertain terms, the most powerful man in CansBava dies tonight.

And how might someone such as myself know such a thing? Oh I don’t know… call it a woman’s intuition if you will, it matters not. Even so, a man like me understands, there’s a shelf life on these things, human lives. They’re fragile. You can have all the power, the money, the BODIES in the world, and it won’t mean a thing after a few decades of deceit. The layers pile up, you see. Resentment, denial, hatred, love, all of them liabilities, collateral damage to men such as ourselves. Tucan was a sitting duck. When a man reaches his level, his depth of villainy, his low a playing field, suddenly, all the dead weight you thought was below you is staring right into your soul, at eye level.

I close the curtains. It’s going to be a long night. Better I sleep now and save myself the trouble, the ultimate alibi really, not that I have any part in the matter. In fact it’s really quite ironic, someone like me. What role have I to play moving forward? When the boss is assassinated I mean. Will I pick up the pieces? Will I finally make a decent life for myself? Perhaps I’ll find myself on top where I belong. All that matters is the one impossibility: there is no chance I get swept into this nightmare myself. The safest men in this city think they can float on the surface of all this darkness, but not me, I float amongst the heavens looking down upon the darkness, upon the flimsy surface tension they call home, and I laugh,

and laugh,

and…

...laugh

heHEhehehehe…

Chapter 27: The Night Black Saw Red

So here i am again, corner of hacksaw and black, at a diner whose popularity has somehow only increased since the shootout around 3 months ago. The rain is thick outside the window by my booth, but the scent of warm coffee keeps my face warm and satisfied. What better to interrupt such a peaceful night than an unexpected call from my client.

“You rang?”

“Listen babe, all hell’s about to break loose. Samael is clear.”

“Well you’re in luck, I’m just 3 blocks down the street, but you really expect me to walk through this rain? And on such a nice night too… It’s no wonder you’re still single Harry.”

“3 BLOCKS?! We’re talking about Tucan here!! I told you to standb-”

That hack doesn’t know when to quit, who does he think he is, some noir movie cleaner? Give me a break…

By the time I finish my cup, and work out 15%, the street has already gone red. A black city stained red with security alarms, talk about a headache.

Whatever, I can’t afford to miss this paycheck, so I’d best be going. I press a finger to my temple and camouflage with the migraine enveloping the city. Around me police sirens wail and low-level mooks try to take advantage of the confusion, but I stay casually focused on my goal. The Calavera Clone Vault security can see through my disguise, but what those perverts won’t be able to do is land a finger on me. Ignoring the cameras and low level security drones, I casually make my way to the reception desk. My peripheral senses tell me the guards are already closing in, but keeping a cool head goes a long way in this sort of thing. Without pause I slip my hand through the breast pocket of one particularly confused receptionist, and trigger the elevator. From there it’s just a matter of getting these goons off my back. What their infrared sensors don’t show them is the dart drive containing my personality has already embeded itself in the throat of their least conspicuous officer. While the other guards grab my former female body like the animals they are, I complete my job in overwriting my victim’s host personality, and casually saunter over to the elevator in the body now belonging to a dead man.

Tucan’s clone bodies should be on level B4, a level just innocuous enough that one may not even think to try. Regardless, from here all I’ve to worry about are the lazers standing between me and my target, that and the knife lodged in my neck. Now how did that get there?

Turning around I see none other than the man himself, Aidan0503. Perhaps I should’ve seen this coming, but still…

“Well, well, it’s rare I see a big man like you working for himself. You must really hate the guy, eh?”

“Shut up, I’m just here to make sure this job goes over smoothly, alright? I’m not in the mood for your shenanigans today.”

“Oh, poor me, you mean to say Oni didn’t trust me to handle things myself? And he was so pushy about it too.”

“You know that old fart, he gets off on telling women what to do, makes him feel like a big shot”

“Oh, but I bet you’d like to fuck me in this body, huh?”

“Get off me, you freakshow!”

Gosh, it was just a joke, the guy didn’t have to shove me, not to mention he’s the one going around stabbing people. In any case, the situation ahead seems simple enough, just gotta use that hunk of garbage as a shield and hope the lazers take their sweet time carving through him. Of course I only get about halfway through explaining this plan before 0503 sends a blast through my arm, my gosh is this guy on edge lately. I grab him anyway and go through with it. As advanced as robot technology is, the strength of a simple humanoid model like him is nothing next to a real human body with no pain to hold it back, and so i drag the tin can,

Gosh,

Kicking and FLAILING my goodness,

Through the lazer field, triggering every alarm and giving me the headache of the century while, oh, yeah and my arms apparently strained themselves to the point of severing. Lovely.

In any case, All it takes now is to input the code on the keypad with… no arms…

See, you’ve gotta give me some credit here, like, I know I was supposed to be staking this place out for days and like, figuring the layout and whatnot, but clearly anyone can play it by ear with this much creativity. I’ll show you what I mean, even though I got my arms torn off and that robot’s as good as dead, all I gotta do is pick up my severed hand with my teeth! So simple a child could think of it, but these days people just don’t appreciate the simple things. Inputting the code Oni gave me allows me access to the room containing a startling number of bodies. Honestly, and I was having such a nice night too, I knew I’d have to kill two or three but a hundred clones of this guy? Give me a break, I mean how self obsessed can you get?

Chapter 28: The Humans Can Have Fun Too!

Hffh

AHEM

Look at me

Straight G

Dope like Mr. T, but a white boy

Fuckin’ a tight boy

Gonna go home then I might toy,

With his penis

Then I’ll flip him ‘round, fill ‘im with my genius-

-seed

Start drinkin’ mead, get fancy

Make a million bucks, get antsy

And slay

‘Cause I’m no longer prey

To a system full of hum drum

NOTHIN’

Now I got me SOMETHIN’

and all i had to do was press a few butt-ins

Delete a backup

Of some crack-up

Quack-up boss with a billion

“I don’t give a fuck”s

For all those schmucks

Still making’ him bucks

Or they would be

If they could be

But he’s

DEAD

Three

bullets in his head

All for his son just to be wed

To a girl he calls his sister

But I’m not callin’ him “mister”

Anymore

That sick old whore

Makin’ me do his chores

Was such a bore

With

more in store

but it’s all before

TODAY

When the sirens rang

Signalling the end of a hunger pang that’s lasted 15 years

Fine-ly shakin’ off these fears

Eatin’ fine food with all my queers

Drinkin’ tears

Of a philistine

Now I got mine

Don’t need that wine

‘Cause I got paid fine

And I had a spine

When i needed one

Now we’re done.

Chapter 29: Apocalypse On A Silver Platter

Oh dear, it sounds like there’s something outside…

How scary, it must be an animal making such a repetitive noise, but it sounds just like a child! Oh if only Herald were here… Where is brother anyway? How he comforts me so…

On the bright side, there also appears to be an adorable little owling hoo-ing outside my chamber! Positively delightful! Now if only the kind mister owl could shoo off that strange ape or what have you, and I could get to sleep!

“Yoo-’hoo’! Mister owl! Thank you so much for visiting our home tonight! If you ask me, I think it rather be’hoo’ves you to eat that manlike rat squeaking by my door! Oh, and if by chance you see my dearest darling brother Herald along your way, would you tell him his bride to be is getting VERY lonely here by herself? Thank you kindly mister owl! I’ll ‘hoo’ve to put in a good word for y’hoo’ with the master of the ‘hoo’se ^~^ Surely Herald will be delighted to hear I met such a kind fellow this after’hoo’n!”

With that, i shut my chamber window and sit on the fluffy white bed Charles so kindly made for me not moments ago! Oh, wherever would I be without such a man to look after me? What with my dear Herald disappearing to heaven-knows-where, it comforts me to know that our maid staff is so properly trained, and so caring and personable as well!

…

Oh, but I just can’t! I simply cannot! How can that Herald expect his dearest love to sleep at night without knowing where he’s disappeared off to? Even had I known of his whereabouts and been able to stop worrying, there is absolutely no chance of a delicate young damsel like myself getting even a wink of sleep without the warm embrace of my beloved ^~^ Why, I’m positively cold-blooded with him here by my side! And NOT in the sense he always rattles on about father’s associates being cold-blooded, I mean literally! I’ve got no body heat of my own, and it takes a hot-blooded man like him to get me…

*yawaaaaaaaan*

Sleepy…

ZzZZzzzZZzzZzzZzZZzzzzz…

Chapter 30: The Previous Chapter Was Titled Appropriately But The Content Was Changed Afterwards, In Other Words, Feel Free To Call This Chapter The “True” Apocalypse Served On A Silver Platter

Let’s not mince words here.

I’m fully aware none of you ingrates will feel right basking in my happiness in this scene. You see I’ve finally proven myself as Oedipus’s good little boy. I put three bullets in the old bastard’s brain, and now I get to come home to my sweet, beloved, innocent little sister. Well, physically little older sis-

You know what, this is fucking nonsense, you see what you’re doing to me? I know you’ll never understand the depths of your own ignorance, and that’s fine, you fuckers can all go slit each other's throats for all I care, but I’ve been given the role of narration this chapter and I can’t help but wonder if you sycophants and philistines actually deserve to hear a bit about how I feel.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that you're such heroes or sympathizers and you’ve earned it; it’s just me. I mean you’re just trying to enjoy yourself by reading this garbage, trying to kill the time in your pathetic little existences to stave off your suicidal thoughts. Maybe you fucks are even getting off on this, on seeing someone you can say “well at least I’m not THAT bad” about. You all make me sick. You’re the exact people Samantha and I are going to get away from now, finally.

But that’s just it, maybe I have some responsibility as narrator this chapter, not to entertain you, not to bring myself down to your level and hold your hand and tell you you’re so fucking special and I’m so fucking sad because my daddy left me. No. My responsibility as narrator is simply to let you know what transpires, and while it’s from my perspective, how I feel about it. I’m not gonna get all mushy for you creeps, you voyeurs, but it is my job to ensure that if any one of you might possibly be able to relate to this fucking dumpster fire, that you’re given the information necessary to expand your narrow little mind and realize that I fucking exist. I’m right here. No, better, I’m right behind you, yeah, but don’t look now, or I’ll disappear.

…

Well? Did you look? Heh, you idiot, of course you did(n’t). Maybe this job isn’t so fucking bad.

*AHEM*

What do you say we try doing this “normal-style” huh?

With great anticipation in my heart, I opened the door to my beloved’s chamber, revolver still hot in my pocket.

“Herald!” she cries, “Oh how I have missed you! Where had you run off to? Why didn’t you tell me? Oh, and you must know, in the future, no matter where it is you happen to be doing, no matter how boring the errand or dangerous the adventure I would be honored to come along if only to be near you my love ^~^ Being near you is my greatest delight!”

“Sister,” I say, coolly and informatively, “I shot dad. His backup will be loaded in due time, but before then we have tonight to pack our things and get the hell out of here. Are you in? It’s the opportunity we’ve been waiting for!”

“Oh my! Good heavens, well I, I simply don’t know... “ She moans, not truly believing the words coming from my mouth nor hers “Father, I mean, I know he never approved but, well, this is all so sudden, so very rash! And you just woke me from a rest, you should know ^~^ I’m still a bit sleepy, after all, and not fit to make a decision such as this, but, well, but there’s simply no time! Oh,I accept! You know there would be no other place in this world for me! If you must go fugitive, then I’ve no choice but to join you, my love!”

YOU SEE THAT, FUCKERS?!

THAT is the strength of a love built on necessity, on trust undying, on ties so deep, deeper than blood, bonds of marrow, of DNA, twenty two long years of being held back together by your outdated expectations, your rules, your fucking mindless, AAAAAAGH!

But I don’t need you anymore! I don’t need to explain myself, to anyone, not one person out of you basket of deplorables!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I’ve made it, don’t you see, all this playing nice, this “empathy” I have no need for it! I have someone, someone who loves me more than any of you will ever feel or even conceive of love. I don’t need a million of you undesirables to think of me with fondness, to dopt my philosophy, you don’t DESERVE it! You didn’t have to earn it like I did! Think for yourselves! Wake up and smell the damn roses, and kill yourselves because in my solipsistic world, you fuckers are all dead already! Dead in the ground because I don’t need any of your shit. I’m safe right here, right here with my love. So chase me. Kill me. Put a bullet through my fucking skull you pussy. I don’t care. I won.

Chapter 31: The Shitty Guy Narrates Again, See? It’s A Loop.

Rejoice! For ‘tis I, Julio Luiz Direjos, a true scholar worthy of narrating a true masterwork such as this.

My curtains remain shut, a sign letting me know nobody thought to set fire to my high rise, nor destroy the window in an attempt on my life. Very interesting this is, indeed. I wonder if anything even happened last night. I’d look quite the fool if not.

Checking my creamail, however, my-

Oh my, truly? Do my loyal deciples require an explanation of creamail? Tell me, in your time do you yet have email? Fantastic. In that case this should be simple. Like, basically you just, like, imagine email but then rather than go to the NSA and then you it’s all cream based and therefore untraceable. Essentially it’s a way of encoding messages in the consistency and dairy/fat/protein content of creams, etc. the cream, once generated by text-to-creamators, travels through pipes to the target recipient. This may seem complicated, but rest assured, once the piping has been set, everything works like a dream. Of course the installation of cream pipes is expensive and must be done in secret, which is nearly impossible. I rather dislike it to be honest, but eccentric millionaires almost exclusively tend to demand it for all their under-the-counter dealings, rather than a simple private connection between computers. The apparently late Tucan had it set up for means an exclusive way of contacting me. Today my creamail has arrived from his estate, but he is not the sender.

Rather, the sender is from DoubleMedican, specifically, from Tucan’s close associate, Winona Salamander. She writes, rather poorly might I add.

Dear, Julio

Our worst fears have been realized.

Medican is going under, our ceo, Arthur tucan, has been shot, thrice in the head with a gun, no less. Typically such an act would be meaningless given the man behind cansbava’s breakthrough medical procedures has had his life insured and re-insured time and time over by such systems, however, within an hour of what we are now referring to as a calculated assassination, our servers were hacked into at both locations 14399 and 14395, simultaneously, and the ceo’s consciousness backups were deleted along with his many clones at the 14389 location being terminated by way of tabun gas fire, which in turn reduced the location to ash. Local authorities have had no luck in tracking either the hackers or the supposed infiltrators at the 14389 location. Foul play is the only reasonable answer here. Regardless, the man we once thought is immortal is dead.

I need to meet with you as soon as possible to discuss how we move forward. As i speak now stock has plummeted 13% as news has spread to our former largest shareholders.

Herald cannot be allowed to take the helm in place of his late father. You and i both know how impulsive that boy can be, and he has nowhere near the experience nor the rationale to run an operation like this at such a dire time. Allowing him to inherit the company, while in line with the wishes of his father, would be tantamount to suicide.

Come to the mezzanine of the crescent building by 11:00 this morning. You know how to contact me.

And conTact the cleaner as soon as possible.

May heaven have mercy,

Salamander

How the hell does one sign in cursive in cream?

Chapter 32: 魅惑の聖心

You know for all the hate it gets, I rather like this city. It’s… breathable. Sure, it’s not exactly safe, no easy, but there’s a sense of freedom here, the kind of life where you could suddenly be dropped into a situation you weren’t prepared for and make something out of it. That can be tiring of course, but an AI like me doesn’t really need to be concerned about that kind of thing.

No, and now that i’m set financially from the last job, I think I’ll take it easy for a bit… All I really need to worry about going forward are the important issues… Is the new Danganronpa going to be any good? I mean for a series that’s run for 7 mainline entries it sure is inconsistent… The one important truth running through all of them, I suppose, is Masafumi Takada’s hauntingly cheery compositions lending their unique dread and horror to each scene, and whether the idea’s fully formed or not, you have to lend it to Spike-Chunsoft for always trying to do something totally out there with it, which is more than most series have going for them. I’m sure this is going to sound stupid, like, most people don’t even remember this one, but Goodbye Despair was probably the worst mainline entry to the series, the mainline being the only media even worth consideration in the franchise. Even that, though, has several really incredible moments, the Twilight Syndrome night was absolutely terrifying, the trial and execution following that subverted expectations beautifully to nail the strongest points of the characters involved. Like Peco wasn’t even cool or interesting, but they totally used the plot and the knowledge a player would have from Trigger Happy Havoc to make her mysterious and intriguing and eventually tragic and surprising despite how simple her character really was. That’s not to mention the excellent case in which Nagito sends everything straight to hell, pulling of the most elaborate suicide in history in the hopes that his luck would lead to his enemy being found guilty. It was completely ridiculous, but they gradually built up the character’s insanity over the course of the whole game to the point where such a thing made sense and felt reasonable despite its absolute incredulity otherwise. That was something most of the game lacked, but they really had it nailed there until, of course, when it actually pays off and the ridiculous execution goes over without a hitch. That was truly a disappointing end to an otherwise pretty great chapter. Also, Gundam Tanaka’s death actually did arouse some real emotion for me, even if that whole chapter went against everything that made Trigger Happy Havoc a great story, that character still managed to touch me thanks in LARGE part to Masafumi Takada’s music, again, I cannot stress enough how great this guy is. If anything I should look forward to going back and playing all the other games he composed music for that I’ve yet to play more so than more Danganronpa…

Chapter 33: Hostile Snake Over Makeover

*ACHOO!!!*

Sorry, just a moment, please…

Chapter 34: False Heart

The mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind taints the mind

AND THUSLY, we arrive at our conclusion.

Is there nothing I can do? There was nothing I could’ve done but now is this and this is now. The train rocks slowly beneath me. Feeling his warm breast behind me, surely things are ok. Surely this will bring the happiness we had shared, forever.

But can I truly revel in this happiness? My father is dead, at the hands of my brother, oh my sweet love. He’d never have done such a thing had he known it would be permanent, he’s so innocent, so loving, so kind, but only I see that in him, so really, I must’ve done him a favor right?

Convincing him to do as he did to father, knowing full well the decision would be final, why, it sounds like the work of a villain, but I only had his best wishes in mind! All the times father scolded me, misunderstood poor Herald, who took all the blame he could for my misgivings. Surely a vile man such as that was fit to pass on for the happiness of his children. Herald believes us two lovebirds are on the run, flying by the seat of our pants! He would do such a thing without a moment's hesitation because that’s the pure hearted lover he is, the passionate soul he is, but someone must ensure things go smoothly. Soon the company will be sold, and the two of us will have the world at our fingertips, to explore with the delightful sense of freedom we never had experienced before! Herald will be delighted. Hearing his snores in sync with the gentle contraction of his pillowy chest sets me at ease.

How joyus life will be with his smile beside me once again.

My doubts cleared, I close my eyes and focus further on the physical sensation surrounding me, the gentle cool of the cabin, the warmth of Herald’s blood beating through his skin against my cheek, and the subtle clacking of the car against the rails. Sometimes a touch of old-world beauty is just the thing to soothe the soul…

No sir, they don’t make railcars like this anymore…

They sure…

Don’t…

Chapter 35: Robots and Racehorses and Racist Whores and Ho Blots

Let me tell you. You fuckers sit down and just let ME TELL YOU what happens in this chapter!!

I wake up, right as fucking rain, girl IN ARM, and what do I find? A robot train attendant with a lazer blaster right in my temple. Seems like a pretty bad situation yeah? BUT HERE’S THE THING, she says “right this way, if you please, sir” and I follow suit, my Samantha still sound asleep. She “escorts me into the next train car, and what do I find? A bunch of bullshit is what. The fucking man of the hour, none other than Julio fucking Di-pshit-rei-hos lookin’ me in the goddamn eyes like he owns the place.

“Hello Herald. Sorry to trouble you so early in the morning.”

“Cut the shit, how’d you find me here and why’s this bitch holding a gun to my fucking brain?”

“Ahh, my apologies, you can go now, Teresa, you know protocol droids, they can be, a bit... blunt at times.”

“Yeah, no shit… so what do you need, eh? No, wait, what am I fucking saying, how the HELL’D you find me here?!”

“No need for theatrics, Herald. Aren’t we... friends?”

“Heh, yeah right, listen I left filth like you behind me when I put a cap in that old fucker’s skull. Now get to talkin’.”

“Oh Herald, you seem to misunderstand the position you’re in right now. You think that now that you’ve acted out your little media stunt you’re so high above it all? Far from it. Listen, you’re little bullet took. My boss is dead, and you’re going to answer for it.”

“HEH, yeah right you fucking scumbag, everyone knows dad’s an immortal. He’s got so many copies and backups, nobody could ever kill him.”

“He could if his guard were down. It seems he wasn’t expecting his own blood to turn on him, but his enemies were. Now your dad is toast and the whole city’s falling apart. Damnit Herald, it’s taking our company down with it! Stock prices are crashing, and I’m going to personally ensure you have a front row seat to the chaos on spoiled brat like you can cause! Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way, but the fact of the matter is you’re coming with me!”

“...”

“WELL? Have you nothing to say for yourself?! You really fucked up this time you bigshot! Daddy’s not here to bail you out this ti-”

And then, then a lazer, a blue flash whizzed past my face and drilled a hole clean through the guy’s stomach. Samantha, she had my back. I should’ve… done something, but before I knew it, there we both were, running, crashing and stomping through the train car. A flurry of blue filled the car… It was… It was like a scene out of Star Wars, only they were all blue, because we all had the same guns. My father had issued them to all of us one Christmas at a company event, warning my sister and I that people may try to target us as members of the family. I wonder if he gave Julio that same warning…

…

Forgive me.

Chapter 36: All Figured Out, One Fingered Snout

Some questions are unsolvable.

Why is my dog always leaning against the outside of my bedroom door?

Is she listening to me masturbate?

Should that turn me-

Is it bad that that is turning me on?

Is there anything wrong with beastiality other than the fact that an animal cannot consent to sex?

If an animal could consent to sex, would it be ok to have sex with?

When my animal does consent to sex, is it ok to have sex with?

If the animal is a boy, and I too am, a boy, am I gay?

Am I gay?

Why does my penis feel like it’s being ground into paste?

Is this good?

Is it… gone?

I take a break from my philosophizing to turn my attentions to an immediately pressing matter. By jove, my pup pumping penis has been punched clean off by incoming lazer fire from none other than Samantha, that layabout whore must think she’s so clever, huh? Why, these arrogant fools are so intellectually barren, they can act so irrationally an sporadically that I can’t outdo them at every turn as I expected....

This will not do.

I had thought they would show more concern for their own lives, and certainly I hadn’t expected our sweetest dear Samantha to have annihilated so many of my servants…

Very well, I will have to take this offense personally. I will have no choice but to become physical, an unfortunate turn of events for one Herald, who will find me quite unpleasant to put off, regardless of his ridiculous emotional state. We will have to abandon the two for now.

I set a high-power explosive in between our train cars, set it to detonate in 10 seconds, and with that, I jump off from the space between cars. While any normal man would be killed in such an event, I have transcended death, much like my superior was thought to have, but my men are loyal. When I hit the ground everything will go black for but an instant, and then I shall be blessed by the glorious light of my private clone quarters, where an automated system connected to the beating of my heart will immediately trigger my grand resurrection.

My friend on the other side, however, oh, the younglings. So pure, so naive. I’d never thought things would come to this from the moment I first held you in my arms. So sorry. You will not be remembered. A train accident, and a young boy and girl, heirs to the DoubleMedican fortune, such bright futures, suddenly, lost. Nowhere to be found, and not to be resurrected, for in CansBava, implanting a clone with a consciousness is a high crime unless performed after the confirmation of one’s death, and so these two bright stars, so tender, so passionate, will have run away never to be seen. Perhaps tales will be told of their escape from this world, how they chose love, and won, for nobody could find them, nobody could find proof of their existence. However, I will know, I will have that satisfaction. If only I could’ve seen the expression in their eyes. Instead, here I am, sipping tea in my personal quarters again, watching yet another beautiful CansBava rainfall.

I believe my role in this story is finished.

I wish you all the bravest.

Chapter 37: Just That Easy, Not That Squeezy

And i’m just so tired. Not like, in the melodramatic sense, not like, fundamentally tired with all the bullshit in the world, but rather, i’m just exhausted. You don’t need a body to have a headache.

At least I have time now. I have all the time in the world to myself…

All to myself.

What a joyous existence.

Chapter 38: Your Favorite Type Of Thing. That’s What Happens In This One. 

Cut to CansBava Bay sunset hyper-fast forward depicting the angel guy from Vol.1 catching/throwing missiles throughout the day.

(narration) “Some days are pretty much considered normal to some people. Nothing very eventful seems to happen to them. To some people this can be constricting, suffocating, and yet others see it as relaxing. For this young lad here, the day to day is consumed with one activity, perpetuating a nuclear war while protecting a nation he is not even citizen to. Day in and day out he does this without complaint. He never sleeps. Sometimes he doesn’t even eat or drink. Other times people force food to be absorbed through the membrane which makes up the surface of his body. He is thankful for this, even though it’s mostly leftovers and trash like wrappers and stuff.”

Cut to young boy and sexy hot young mother with thighs that won’t quit walking along the coast with hotdogs.

(boy) “Wow, it’s true mom! A real alien boy! What a fun thing we saw here.”

(mom) “You dirty little whore, mommy’s gonna fuck you good when we get home.”

(boy) “C’mon mom! Get off the phone and check this out! It’s incredible!”

(mom) “Sorry, my kid’s really cumming down hard on me right now, gotta abort ASAP. Fuck you l8r.”

(boy) “Sorry to bother you mom, but come on! Isn’t that incredible? Do you think we’ll see him throw a missile?”

(mom) “I don’t know man, why don’t you ask him HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Pan up to show alien boy give the child a thumbs up.

(boy) “Oh fuck! That’s some hot shit!”

(mom) “Terrance watch your language you dirty whore.”

The mother’s voice is overpowered by the deafening noise of a missile splitting through the sound barrier before being totally undone by the angel in the coolest way.

(boy) “See, mom! He did it! Do you think I could be strong like that when I grow up?”

(mom) “I don’t think so… He’s like, Italian, you know? We’re French, we just aren’t made for that kind of thing that is better suited for giant alien men. Also I did think it was incredible, I mean really, thank you for pointing it out to me!”

(boy) “uhh, no problem?”

(mom) “Yeah, seriously, I mean it, like, I figured this guy was so big, you’d be able to see him from anywhere in the city so who cares, but he’s something else up close. In fact I wonder how close I can get?”

(boy) “Uh, mom? I don’t know about that”

Mother walks closer to the being.

(boy) “Mom, why don’t we ask first? Hey mister! Is it ok if we touch your ankle, uh, areas?”

The creature gives a big thumbs up again but this time it’s even cooler.

(boy) “He says it’s ok, mom”

(mom) “Oh Terry, you’ll never learn, what a big man like this wants is a strong woman who takes what’s hers and doesn’t fuck around about it, he wants someone to get right up to him and-”

The mother touches the angel and is absorbed into his membrane.

(narration) “As we see here, the alien has a place all to itself. It is both lonely and not alone. It has visitors from all over come to visit and say hello. It loves speaking to them, in whatever way it can. It knows that nobody will ever betray it, because their lives depend on it, and that no matter what, everyone else is so tiny that they could never hurt it. This gives the being great pleasure. Yet very few boys and girls ever come to visit him regularly. While his interactions with others are always positive, and he always feels fulfilled in life for serving such a grand purpose in so beautiful a bay, the beast also feels remorse some nights. It longs for a deeper connection. For a love that cannot exist between kaiju and man, and so it goes on endlessly, content and yet curious. Curious about just how great life could be. He is tickled by the idea, because he has yet to become jaded. He has yet to accept that this is all he will ever have in life, and so he views both the mundane and magical aspects of existence as grand. So happy just to be alive, he can dream and hope because he once had a man, a man who would come to visit often. A young boy by the name of Suoly once meant the world to this beast. The boy never knew how much his visits meant to the beast. The beast never knew the boy had killed himself. Surely, had he known, the beast would have lost all hope. My name is Chihiro Chompsky. I am that young boy’s last survivor, the last person who remains to tell his story of his sad little life. Me and this beast are the sole two beings in the world to whom Suoly meant something. Something special. Today I find myself in a predicament. After all this time it weighs on me. Surely, I must have some responsibility to this noble beast, and yet, I simply can’t find it in me to tell him, to bring him down to my level.”

Perhaps I will pay a visit myself. Perhaps I can become… special to the beast. Perhaps rather than dash his hopes, I should let him revive my own.

Yes… To me, that sounds like a very good idea.

Chapter 39: Emotional Content; Emo Shin, All Content.

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Oh. Dear. Ohdear.

No darling,

Obedear.

I hold my lover in my arms. For here I know, they can do no harm. Not to him, nor me. For together we are free. Alone, together, in this meager home. The first place we can call our own. Yet incomplete, for my Herald is lost. He cannot face me, though he loves me.

Sometimes I stare at him, asleep in our bed. I cry, wondering what visions must fill dear brother’s head. And though he does not speak, I know his love. Do not find him weak, without understanding what he thinks of. Guilt and pain wrack his brain, yet through the shame, he came

On my stomach just the same.

Last night was a break through, the first time in days. I was so happy tears fell from my face, and as I wrapped my lover in sweet embrace on his cheek I could taste. He had been crying too.

Trying to act strong, learning it was meaningless all along. True strength comes from within. The power to confess one’s sin, and move ahead, for without that strength one may as well be dead.

Take pride in those you love. If you would do anything for someone, then don’t ever do nothing for them. Always be honest, never sell out, don’t worry about language, just let it the FUCK OUT.

Chapter 40: I Am A Demon

I got a letter today.

And I said to Samantha “look, I got mail today!”

And she said “we don’t get mail here”

“But I have the letter right here!”

“Let me see that… Herald, listen, perhaps you should go to therapy…”

“It’s not that complicated! I just have to go see them and straighten some things out! Dad’s waiting for me!”

“Herald, I… I really don’t know what to say… Come here, darling”

“Samantha, it’s just so simple! All I have to do is go visit them and then dad won’t be lonely anymore!”

“Listen, Herald… I know the shock of all this has been hard, I’ve barely been able to contain myself, but look at where we are! Now that the company’s been sold, we’re finally free to be ourselves! No responsibility, and all the money we’ll ever need for the rest of our lives! Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? I know the pain is a lot to deal with, but… Well not to sound crass but, the pain is temporary! We’ll work together! We’ll get through it together!”

“Samantha, this is really just so simple I don’t know what you’re so worried about, I’m just going out for the evening, then everything will be ok and everything will be fixed.”

“Herald where are you GOING?! To HELL? Look at what you’re saying! Listen it’s one thing to grieve and another thing to indulge Delusions like this!”

“Well where do you think the letter came from, HUH? Don’t, don’t tell me, you think I wrote this myself?”

“...Herald, please, let’s just go to bed, it’s late…”

“HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA, you’re HYSTERICAL. You really think I’ve lost my mind, huh? You really think that’s what it’s come to? You’re out of your mind! Now I’ve gotta go, just to prove it to you! My gosh. I can’t believe you’d be like this, it’s all so simple…”

“Listen, Herald. Dad’s dead. I killed him. I made sure every last one of his backup plans was terminated myself. I know what you’re going to say, but I don’t care. I made this decision. I won’t be a hypocrite and act like I did it for you, but I did do it for us. Herald I love you. I want to spend every moment with you, and I want every person that doesn’t believe in our love to drop off the face of the earth, regardless of familial relation. Please, please just come to bed.”

It was at this point I grabbed the lazer pistol off the kitchen table and fired a shot through my brain. Clearly, my message was not getting through to her.

Chapter 41: The Saga Of Heaven And Hell Part 1: Ticking Time-Glomb

I just don’t care anymore. Isn’t that funny? All this time I’ve been this, like, I mean, let’s be honest, pseudo-intellectual holier-than-thou prick and only now do I see how foolish I was.

All I ever really did was act logically based on my circumstances. Certainly I had some grand designs, I took delight in the madness around me, but I made an effort to never become a part of it myself, to never stoop as low as those around me. Why then am I here? Why was I the one to lose it all? I never conspired, never played dirty. Everyone around me was planning ways to overthrow and undermine the people around and above them. As #2 you’d think I’d be the one most interested in that stuff but I just watched, and when it all came tumbling down I did my best to save the company. I suppose “love wins in the end” and all that, but what about the 5 million Medican employees laid off? Are we just supposed to accept that as a part of some greater cosmic narrative? For what purpose? So some child can shoot his brains out a month later?

Maybe this is a good thing, I mean, clean as I may have been, I certainly didn’t have this clarity of thought before. I was a self-obsessed fool. Perhaps now…

I’m free too?

Chapter 42: The Saga Of Heaven And Hell Part 2: Crouton Finds Dressing

“Get out of here, Oni.”

“Listen, we had a deal baby, it’s not so complicated.”

“Heh, you think I care if this is personal? Well unfortunately, I couldn’t care less what a dirty old man like you has to say. I know it’s personal, and I know you just want me outa this body so you can fuck me. You think I care about this garbage? Listen, I’ve got a headache, so you and your goons can get out, or come over here and let me slit that throat of yours nice and easy. You wanted us to get closer, right? What better way than me shoving my arm through your heart, eh?”

“Listen, we can talk about that crap later, but don’t you dare screw with me now. Listen, babe, you’re the best in the business, everyone knows it, but something like this, damn, it’s just plain unprofessional.”

“You already got your cut, so what’s it to you? You could just as easily be sitting easy like me now. You could’ve gotten away from all this mess, but you just can’t stay away. You really care so much about that bitch’s master plan, eh? Give me a break.”

“Well, I’ve done everything I could. Have at her, gentlemen.”

You know, maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe we can have some fun with this. As i lunge towards my former client, the holes widening in my chest remind me that there’s something interesting about all this. It’s an interesting sensation.

I’ve always thought the best way to live was to seek pleasure and avoid pain, but maybe the most FUN thing to do is seek pleasure and say fuck it when it comes to pain, after all, the only real immortal in this town is me.

Before I know it everyone’s dead, and this here body’s still in… useable shape. Perhaps I oughta go see a doctor… But who in the medical world wouldn’t do something drastic if they saw me in this body?

I guess I oughta ask around… There’s a million back-alley doctors in town, but I don’t really know any myself since I never really seem to have any use for them.

But then, well… Who the hell can I even ask?

Normally I’d go to 0503 with something like this, but that fucker’s long gone…

I mean… Fuck, the one body I actually wanna keep around and it’s bleeding out, now of all the damn times. Why’s everyone gotta be freaking dead? UGH. Whatever. Maybe I can have this piece of shit taxidermied and send it to Samantha as a souvenir.

I run down to Julio’s private residence. Oni gave me this address a long time ago back when we thought he was gonna stand in our way. It’s not so close but I may as well push this body hard while it’s dying anyway. The elevator ride up to the 74th floor is long. I’d call it boring but something about it was interesting. It’s not even like, the cool type that has glass walls, it’s just a bland mirror room. Maybe something about being surrounded by the image of that old fucker bleeding out is funny to me. In any case, now on the proper floor, I kick the door down and look around for Julio. The guy’s in his bedroom, listening to… Deathcab for Cutie? I never thought that cow would be into crap like that.

“Yo, Julio. Ring up an unlicensed doctor for me before I blow your head off.”

“Wh-what on earth? Who are you? What are, what, wh- WHAT?”

“Yeah, come on, hurry it up. I know we haven’t met before but you can cut the act. I know you know who I am.”

“Shit… I just, you know I never in my wildest dreams imagined you’d take one of his bodies for yourself… You’re a bit of a rebel, eh? I mean, you were supposed to kill them all. Not to, you know, be that guy, but dying in that body would technically make your job complete. Some would call it ‘the professional thing to do’, but that’s not my concern anymore. Just take this business card, that guy operates just a block down from here, and these are just far enough outside his prime hours that he’ll probably be available.”

“Oh, uh, thanks. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this from you. I figured you’d have tried to kill me.”

“Eh, normally I’d love this, and I’d tell you to go raise hell for my amusement. Now… I don’t know. I’m on the way out now anyway. And so we’re clear, I really didn’t know what to think when I first saw you. I wasn’t acting.”

I dial the number.

“Yo. I’m gonna need you to fill three holes in my chest. I’ll be the, well, I’m Tucan. No this isn’t a prank.”

“Wh-who gave you this number?”

“Oh, uh, Julio. You should uh… Give him a free… Why does he have your number?”

“Oh, hah, no, he’s not a customer of mine. A man like him has no use for someone like me. Even though he’s a face most people could place, he’s nobody who’d have use for my services. The guy is really a straight lace, despite all the garbage the people around him get into. Just get down here, I know exactly who you are. Julio’s told me all about you.”

“Oh, uh. Thanks.”

I hang up the phone.

“Um. Well, sorry for breaking into your house. Thanks for being so compliant.”

“Don’t worry about it. You should hurry though.”

“Yeah, of course. Um. Listen, this might sound weird, but… Everyone I like is dead. Do you wanna be friends?”

“Heh, why the hell not. You know, I should be scared of you, but I know why you did what you did. Working for Oni can be fucking crazy. You know he killed the hacker?”

“That kind of thing really doesn’t concern me. Anyway, until next time, Seinfeld.”

“You too.”

The elevator ride down is short, somehow. Maybe life is actually really really easy.

The doctor is also a pretty cool guy apparently, and as he’s regrowing my stomach cells, he gets into a little groove and says:

“So, I met Julio back in college.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, he was… standoffish, but endlessly interested in people. Even though nobody really ever wanted to talk to him, whenever he and I would talk, he’d listen to me more than anyone else. Like, really listen, and get emotionally invested. He would always ask all the right questions to get me from some bullshit observation I made to some really serious emotional crap I had going on, without me even noticing. Have you ever been talking to someone, and wanted to say something but were just too worried they didn’t really care, or that it would be inappropriate?”

“No. I don’t really see the benefit of talking to people about things like that. They always just pervert it into something about them.”

“Not Julio. He always got right to the heart of shit, and I always ended our conversations feeling more comfortable with myself and with my situation. Every time it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest because someone, just, just got it, and he really appreciated the things that I WANTED people to appreciate about me. Not how good my grades were, or how cool my hair was, but like, the way I saw the world.”

“Sounds like you got lucky.”

“I sure did. I always used to feel like, like how could someone like me deserve a friend like that. You know what he said to me? He said to me that he didn’t care about any of that. That he didn’t want me around for the reasons I wanted him around, that his true joy, like what he REALLY cared about, that was something totally different than armchair psychiatry. What he really enjoyed about me was simply getting to look into someone else’s life, and to see things the way they did for once. Mostly he said he got joy from the fact that I felt safe opening up to him like that when nobody else seemed to. Pretty sad when you think about it, but I think he had a good point. Maybe there’s more than one thing you can get out of a friendship, you know.”

“That makes sense.”

“Sorry if I’m boring you. I have a tendency to be rather long-winded. I just know you don’t quite know the guy, so I figured your first time meeting him may have left an impression on you that I could help to dispel, or reinforce. Basically, I just thought you’d be interested. Either way, he’s a pretty big personality, you know?

“I didn’t really see that. He struck me as a slightly eccentric person with average confidence. Definitely not someone I’d expect to be a CFO.”

“Well, he’s been doing some re-evaluating lately. He’s changed quite a bit these last few weeks, but you know, I think deep down he’s really always been the same guy, it’s just, well, now he doesn’t have to wonder if he’ll never get laid anymore.”

“It’s not hard to reconstruct a penis like that, hell, I’d be shocked to hear if someone with his kind of money wasn’t using an implant to begin with.”

“Believe it or not, he’s always been partial to the real thing. Never had an implant of any kind. Even so, I don’t think he misses it. I mean, right now he’s bedridden, but that’ll wear off when everything down there heals, and then he’ll be better than ever, trust me. Not that it’s any of my concern or his, but, did you find him attractive?”

“I’m not interested in guys. I’m barely interested in humans at all.”

“Oh, well can’t say I disagree with you there. You know, as medical advancements continue more and more what we’re seeing is that men simply are not needed for the advancement of the species.”

“I buy it.”

“It sounds pretty complicated right now, but within as few as 10 years we could be looking at a CansBava without men. Pretty interesting, huh?”

“I guess so. Wouldn’t some people like them around?”

“Trust me, the only people that REALLY want men around are other men, and their opinions are about to become a lot less important.”

“My gosh. How does JLD feel about any of that huh? I’d figure mister au natural no implants guy would have a thing or two to say about eliminating an entire gender.”

“He thinks the whole idea is ridiculous, but he’s the one who funded almost all the important research on the potential before Double Medican went under and got bought out. Apparently that’s where the money is. Not just for the medical industry but for all marketing, a world of purely females is just more cost effective for everyone.”

“Fuck psychologists man.”

“Uh, not that I disagree but, where is that coming from?”

“Oh, uh… nothing.”

Chapter 43: The Saga Of Heaven And Hell Part 3: This Chapter Contains What Was Going To Be Scrapped Content

My name is Cybersex the T-rex. My lifelong mission is to write out checks. I cash them in, at the bank, but only to, fuel my dank-

Lifestyle.

I am the first of the seven princes of hell and today I am being challenged by a tiny human boy named Herald the Hellspawn. What a show.

“In order to pass into the next level of hell, Herald, you must destroy me in a battle of cybersexual proportions.”

“Fuckin’ sign me up old man.”

“LET THE CUMS BEGIN! First to ejaculate on their computer loses!!!”

Then Herald and I step into side by side cubicles which are soundproofed and have high-speed internet and computers for this exact purpose. Unfortunately, Herald makes a bold first move, initiating our cybersex with an instant message online. Hah, typically this would be childsplay!

“HAH, THIS IS CHILDSPLAY PUNY HUMAN BABY BOY SEMEN SLUG!!!!”

I hope the worked! Hopefully if I keep yelling things like that he won’t realize that I’m illiterate!

WAIT! These booths are soundproof! I need to contact him by some other means quickly. Wait, what is that? I was just about to click on Skype to try doing my sexy tiny arms infantalism “i can’t reach my tiny peen” move, but THEN, he wrote back, before i even said anything on our chat client. SHIT! What is he saying? Is this, could this be… Dirty talk? Oh dear, imagine him one booth over, getting all hard thinking about me and writting all this to try and get me off, hah! He must be real proud of himself, but soon he will realize that these attacks have no effect on me and cease cummunication. Wait, WHAT? ANOTHER message? What on Earth could he be saying? Is he saying, no, he just, oh no, imagine him, writing al this sexy garbage in futility trying to get me off, and getting nothing back! Oh, he must be so embarrased! HAHAHAHAHHA, that FOOL! This is it! AHHH, YES! TOO EASY NO POINTS! THAT IMPOTENT SELF-CENTERED LITTLE FOOL, WRITTING ALL THIS SEXY STUFF JUST FOR ME, LITTLE DOES HE KNOW HOW STUPID HE LOOKS!!!!! SUCH DELICIOUS HUMILIATION!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

*sploosh*

…

Oh dear. Well, I’d better check and make sure he didn’t cum too…

Surely enough, walking into his cubicle I see that no semen has graced his body. In fact, he doesn’t even have an erection? How can this be?

“VILE HUMAN! WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS? HOW COULD YOU WRITE SUCH ERROTIC CONTENT AND EXPERIENCE NO SEXUAL AROUSAL? TEACH ME YOUR SECRETS!”

“Oh, fuck man, I was just spamming you with copypasta in the hopes you would get bored and jack off in there.”

Chapter 44: The Saga Of Heaven And Hell Part 4: Double Murder Super Suicide

Oh dear, oh dear oh dear.

What have I done? Why did it have to be this complicated? Everything was going to be perfect, hell, maybe everything was perfect. But here I am now, staring at the hole in my fiance’s brain oozing blood on our floor.

I just don’t know what to do. Who sent the letter? Does that even matter now? No of course it doesn’t! Damn you Samantha, with your contrivances and your distractibility. There’s absolutely no way to intellectualize something like this. I should be ashamed for even trying. I hate myself. I hate myself for causing all this. I hate myself for thinking I could get away with it. I hate myself for not taking Herald into greater consideration, not just his physical state, but his morals. I hate myself for realizing this all now, always too late. I hate that I ever fantasized about being happy. I myself for thinking this could be a way to do it. I hate how much I hate myself. I hate that I have to live in this stupid flesh prison. I wish that were me on the ground instead. I hate myself, because I am so spoiled, so FUCKING spoiled! I hate myself for having it easy all my life, for thinking everything could just work out like it always has, for not realizing my father was the only thing standing between me and total insignificance. I hate myself because I am now and always have been disposable to everyone but myself and Herald. I hate myself because I hate that I torture myself like this. When did it begin? When did I stop being someone I could root for? When did I view myself as an enemy? When did I start rooting for my own destruction? Why do I have to hold all these grudges against myself? Why can’t I forgive anyone? Why can’t I forgive myself? Why SHOULD I forgive myself. It’s what he would want. It’s what I want to want but I just can’t bring myself to think of that as useful. I hate my stupid brain for being so damn fucked up and leading me into these shitty useless loops. USELESS USELESS USELESS STUPID TUPID TUPID!

There’s no “next step” here, there’s no tomorrow. I can’t just unfeel all my sorrow. I just need to sleep. I’ll sleep and then, and then tomorrow there will be tomorrow. I need to sleep now to prove to myself that tomorrow will really exist. I need to prove it to myself that the world will keep turning. I need to remind myself how truly worthless, how tiny, and insignificant I am. Until then I’ll only be able to feel remorse for myself. I’ll want to do what Herald did. I’ll want everyone to see. I’ll want everyone to know what I did, but i want to leave it to them to figure out why. I really just can’t go on. I… I hate this, I’m sounding like a broken record… What I need is to, to sleep. To stop staring (check), head into our room (check)...

…

I can’t do it. I can’t sleep here. I, I hate it here. I HATE IT HERE. I can’t sleep here, here in this place where he held me, when I should’ve held him. What was he feeling? Did he hate me? He should’ve hated me. He didn’t hate me. I know he never did. He forgave me before he even knew. He never held any animosity whatsoever, but still, but STILL it pisses me off. He should’ve told me off, he should’ve told me to go to hell, anything but this. Anything would be better than this. I have to go. I have to go out. I have to get out of this house right now or I swear I’ll explode.

Chapter 45: The Saga Of Heaven And Hell Part 5: Living The Gouda Life On The Edge Of A Hot Butter Through Knife

Well here we go ladies and gentiles. Getting down into the deepest reaches of hell, having bested the Cyber Sex T-Rex, or was it…

In any case, here we are, the whole gang is here, just like a bunch of dead fuckers. Perhaps I should ask one for directions.

“Uh, excuse me, do you know where they keep all the old misers around here?”

“Uh, uh, uh, um, uh, sorry, uh, um, yeah no sorry no idea man.”

“Thanks anyway.”

Maybe this gentleman knows?

“Uh, pardon me, do you know how this here netherworld is uhh… organized?”

“Oh shit, um, well it’s not that complicated, basically we’re in the section where they keep killers right now. They’re surprisingly organized here, uh… I mean it’s actually pretty complicated, like I get it, but there’s a lot to sexplain. Anyone in particular you’re uh, looking for?”

“Yeah, my old man. Rich old white haired guy.’

“Oh man, yeah we got a lot of those. Some people call it congress. AHAHHAHAHAHAHA, but seriously, uh, um, you just have to take like seven lefts. Like i know that sounds crazy but just trust me, alright? The pathways get kinda weird here. If you literally just make seven left turns at 90 degree angles in quick succession, even while standing in place, you’ll get there.”

“Hey thanks man, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

“Who would’ve thought hell would be full of a bunch of good samaritans, eh?”

“Who else?”

“I don’t know.. Satan people?”

“Nah, Satan loves his followers too much to let them reside here, he grants them eternal life.”

“Woah, holy shit. That’s seriously fucked, man.”

“Hehehe, i was just joking actually. There is no Satman, everyone here just kinda hangs out.”

“Well then who decides who goes to heaven and who goes to hell?”

“You know the phrase ‘i’ll see you in hell’ or ‘go to hell’?”

“Yeah.”

“Turns out those are actual curses. They like, actually stick on someone until they die and then they actually go to hell.”

“Am I going crazy? Are you screwing with me? What is all this?”

“Eh, you’ll get it eventually. Seriously, just uh, go see your old man, he’ll get it.”

“Oh, uh, ok. Thanks again! See Ya!”

“No problem. My name’s Suoly by the way.”

“Weird fuckin’ name, man!”

“Oh uh.. It’s my ‘hell name’.”

“This is fucking stupid! I’m gonna stop yelling over my shoulder and actually focus on nailing these turns!”

“Yeah, they gotta be like, like EXACTLY 90 degrees. Seven times. It’s actually one of the great trials an outsider has to overcome to gain access to new tiers, just like the T-Rex guy was. Only this one is waaaaaaaay less fun.”

“Eh, it doesn’t seem that fun just talking about it, but words can’t convey how fun it is to try turning this specifically! Look at me! I’m getting so dizzy! It’s like I’m drunk!”

“Oh actually the air is 151 proof here.”

“WHAT?”

“Like, there’s just tons of alcohol in the air. Like Earth’s humidity. Real bad scene.”

“Crazy. That must make it kind fun, eh?”

“Not really. Alcohol isn’t really made to be inhaled as a hot gas.”

“Sensible enough.”

Chapter 46: THE SAGA OF HEAVEN AND HELL PART 6: ACCIDENTAL CAPS LOCK AND THE INCREASED STAKES IT ENTAILS

*YAWN*

You know I really slept like a baby last night, for the first time in… Well maybe ever? Even as a baby I never quite slept THAT well. Always concerning myself with this or that…

…

Although, it WOULD be nice to actually have something to do… Being confined to a hospital bed is, you know, relaxing? I guess? But it’s not as fun as, well, as I bet a lot of stuff is. When is the last time I actually had fun? Outside of when I talked to the delightful Ms. Imposter last night. That was a real treat, but it doesn’t count because it was something the new me did. The old me? He was never like that. Who were my friends before today? Salamander? No, she never saw me as anything more than a business partner. In fact, I’m willing to bet she saw me as an adversary more than anything, vying for the attention of Mr. Tucan. Ahh, yes, then there’s the man himself, Tucan, boss man, big flan on campus. Was he my friend? Probably not. After all, if I really cared about him, I easily could’ve done something to prevent his death… Instead I tried to use him.

He would’ve done the same for me though, you know? He would sell me out in a heartbeat. I was never more to him than any other employee, I just happened to be the hardest worker and the biggest kiss-ass. I wonder if I annoyed him? I don’t know. He wasn’t a good guy anyway. It’s a shame those two had to have him for a father. It’s a bad combination, being very concerned with the goings on of your children, but being too busy to spend time developing a strong bond with them. It’s only natural they would grow up trying to spite him.

That’s none of my concern now that the company’s, well, out of my hands now… What IS my concern now? I’m 38 for goodness sake! I can’t just retire… What would retirement be for someone like me? I always said I could never do it. Although, I don’t really know if I have it in me to work for a new company. Starting all over is simply unfitting for someone like me. That said, I’m not exactly drowning in money, I mean, I’ve got plenty saved, but… well I could just start living below my means a little. Live a simple life, with simple pleasures....

What… What would I even do though? Who could I spend my time with? What could I spend my time doing?

…

Perhaps I should’ve realized this sooner. I’ve been working hard to save up all this money to reture a wealthy man someday, at least, that was what I had assumed, but did I save up any friends to spend that retirement with? Did I save up a long term sexual relationship to cash in on full-time? Did I become invested in a hobby or cultivate a skill that I can use to make the most of my time now? No, no all I really thought about was the money… Well now I’ve got money and a hell of a lot of time and nothing to do with it. The only things I’ve gotten good at are accounting, deliberating, and wheeling/dealing behind the scenes. When does that payoff as a rewarding lifestyle? Did I miss a step somewhere? Does everyone else understand this already?

I just don’t know.

But you know what… I’m 38. I’m young. I’m STILL young! I can start doing all that now! I can start living! I may not have the tools to do it right, I may be a bit slow to adapt to a new lifestyle, but, but I’ve got time! Even without any passion, I have time enough to find something to be passionate about, in fact, I should be happy! I’ve just retired and it’s as though I’ve just now got my whole life ahead of me. I can really do anything I want!

…

Just as soon as I get out of this bed of course, heh.

…

I should have Heather go down to the store and buy me one of those, those game consoles. I hear good things about Funyons and Fragments. Just until I get out of this bed of course.

Chapter 47: The Saga Of Heaven And Hell Part 7: The WonderBolts Go To Birmingham

Today was a peaceful day in Equestria just like any other. The residents of Ponyville were enjoying their daily goings on, some safe and happy in their homes, others outside pursuing their dreams. One pony in particular was soaking in the peaceful air and loving every minute with her trusty rabbit companion, watching him eat a  dandelion. Then suddenly, the puffy part of the dandelion causes her rabit familiar to sneeze, with fluffy particles ejecting from his nose!

“Oh dear! Sorry about that sir, I should’ve warned you not to eat those. Oh, oh, but maybe now, we can make a wish on the seeds!”

Fluttershy raises her snout to blow the seeds away when suddenly, a rainbow blur whizzes just an inch past her delicate nose, destroying the puffs in midair! Fluttershy recoils her body, collapsing it into a compact shape, quivering very slightly. Just then, however, she relaxes. The assailant on her and her familiar's wishes is none other than her good friend, Rainbow Dash!

“Oh, hi Rainbow Dash.”

“Hey Fluttershy! Did you see that amazing move I just did? I bet the WonderBolts WISH they had speed like that on their team!”

“But, Rainbow Dash, didn’t you join the WonderBolts?”

“Oh, yeah I did, but I guess they just couldn’t handle all this raw talent, you know? I had to quit!”

“You quit? But, Rainbow Dash, I always thought that was your dream?”

“Well, you know, some things just aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. I couldn’t handle being tied down like that, you know? I’m much better off doing my own stunts for me! Then I can make them crazier and crazier every time! I shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not they can keep up with me.”

“Oh, well, I suppose so. Hey, are you going to Pinkie Pie’s Pony Games party?”

“Oh, uh, you know, I was actually sort of busy today, you know, coming up with even cooler tricks!”

“Oh, ok, well, I think I should be going to it now. Oh, unless you want me to stay and practice cheering you on again?”

“No, that won’t be necessary I… Well, you know what, Fluttershy? I think I’ll go with you! Yeah! Who would I be to not grace Pinkie’s party with my presence?”

The two begin walking into town, rabbit in tow. Dash decides to walk alongside Fluttershy on the way, rather than fly. Along the way they run into Twilight Sparkle and Spike.

“Quick, over here!”

Rainbow Dash grabs Fluttershy and yanks her behind a tree before Spike notices them from on Twilight’s back.

“Wha- What’s wrong Rainbow Dash?”

“Oh, uh, hehe, I just thought I saw a spider! You always gotta be vigilant, right?”

“Oh, well, actually, Rainbow Dash, there’s a spider right behind you.”

“AHH!”

“Don’t worry, he was just waiting for us to move so he can climb up to his house in the tree, see?”

The spider then climbs the tree entering a tiny duplex and doing a cute little bow.

“Oh, hehe, o- of course. Anyway, we should get going, right?”

“Yes ^~^”

The two of them enter Pinkie’s abode. The place is gaudily decorated, with streamers and balloons everywhere, along with various implements one can only assume are for the pony party games, though one can only imagine how, given the sheer number of complex do-dads.

“Looks like Pinkie really pulled out all the stops for this one, eh Fluttershy?”

“Oh yes.”

“YOU GUYS!!!”

Pinkie Pie seemingly teleports across the room, leaving only a trail of displaced airborne streamers giving any indication that she had actually ran across the room to Dash and Flutter’s location so quickly.

“Um, hello Pinkie Pie, it looks like you really pulled out the stops this time ^~^”

“THANK YOU! I had a little help from Twilight in setting up the games this year! They’re going to be more fun than EVER! You’re just in time for our first event! You’ll be good at this one, Rainbow Dash! It’s just like pin the tail on the Pony, only the pony is waaaaaay up there!”

“Oh, uh, actually Pinkie, I think I’d better sit this one out. I mean, it wouldn’t be fair for a WonderBolt like me to play with a bunch of regular ponies!”

“NOW WHAT’S THIS I HEAR ABOUT REGULAR PONIES?”

“Hey, AppleJack, you know what I mean, someone like me competing with everyone else, it just wouldn’t be right, in a competition about jumping?”

“Now, Rainbow Dash, I thought we settled this square! You trying to say i’m no competition as an athlete? I can’t believe it!”

“Oh, no I just-”

“Oh, hey Dash! I’m so glad you decided to come after all!”

“TWILIGHT, um, hey, sorry, I just realized I’m thirsty, like really thirsty! You know how doing amazing tricks all day can tire a girl out! I’ll be right back, just gotta get something to drink!”

“Wait, Rainbow-”

But before Twilight could tell her friend that she wanted to go with her, Rainbow Dash had already disappeared. Getting through the crowd as fast as she did would be tough, so she decided to confer with her friends here first.

“Girls, I think we should go be with Rainbow Dash, you guys wanna go upstairs and grab a drink too before the first event?”

“Yyup!”

“Wew wew!”

“Yes.”

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was pouring some of Apple’s fresh cider, filling her glass tall.

“Why, hello Rainbow Dash! Pleasure to see you here!”

“Oh, hey Rarity! Yeah, I thought I’d take a break from practicing my awesome new moves to come see everyone! It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you since, you know, I’ve been touring with the WonderBolts for so long.”

“Oh, surely! And it will be just remarkable to see you in action at the games this year! Twilight and Pinkie say they’re more exciting than ever this year!”

“Sorry to disappoint you Rarity but-”

“Surely you don’t mean to say you’re not competing?”

“Well, I just…”

“Rainbow!”

“Twilight! What is it? Do you need something?”

“I need you Rainbow! You’ve been acting strange lately. It’s not something I did, is it? I’m sorry, whatever it is, I’m sorry, but clearly you don’t have any problem talking with anyone else, so, why can’t you talk to me? Ever since you got fired from the WonderBolts you’ve been avoiding me, and I just want to make it up to you if I did something to make you feel any worse about it all.”

“You just did…”

Rainbow Dash kneels on the ground as a single tear drags down her face. The ponies go silent for a moment as they try to reconcile what has just happened. Then, AppleJack breaks the silence.

“Why, Rainbow Dash! Darlin’, I’m so sorry about that! I had no idea! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because, I didn’t want you to think of me as a failure, AJ! I thought that, if you knew what a loser I really was, you wouldn’t wanna have fun competing with me anymore!”

“Now Rain-Bow-Dash. You are many things, but a loser is surely not one of them. Dear, I’m so sorry about all this, and here I was thinking you had a problem with me! Why, I’d have been a lot more gentle with you if I’d known!”

“Thank you, AppleJack. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for not telling the rest of you, I was just, I don’t know. All I ever wanted was to join the WonderBolts, and now that that dream’s over I just don’t know what to do anymore! I was acting so arrogant, and keeping it a secret because I wanted you all to believe in me the way I used to. And Fluttershy, I’m sorry I tried to keep you from going and I’m sorry I nearly crashed into you and startled you. I thought I could go to you to cheer me up again out of everyone, but that was selfish of me! You could’ve gotten hurt! I can barely even fly straight!”

“Rainbow Dash, I don’t blame you at all. I… I’d be happy to cheer you up any time, and, and if I knew about all this, I, well I would’ve tried even harder to make you feel better.”

“And I would never have made you feel pressured to play in the games had I known you weren’t feeling confident in yourself, darling. I’m so sorry. I know how it feels to be put on the spot like that.”

“Oh no, Rarity, I’m just sorry to let you down like this, and I’m sorry to you to, Pinkie Pie! I’m making this party less fun for both of you! And after you and Twilight worked so hard on it! And Twilight! I’m so sorry for avoiding you! I knew how sad that must’ve made you, but after I told you I just felt like such a failure, I didn’t want to risk anyone else finding out!”

“Darling, please, the only let down is that I wasn’t able to be a better friend to you today! Listen, if there’s anything I’ve learned from years of running my business, it’s that there are fantastic victories and harsh losses, but darling I hope, oh I just hope I can show you… When you have your friends by your side, you can make it through any defeat twice as strong. I know I’ve had to do it, and every time, you’ve been there for me.”

“Yeah, now it’s our turn to be there for you Rainbow! I’m so sorry to reveal this to everyone so suddenly, I assumed you had told everyone! I know it can be hard opening up to others sometimes, but even when you can’t believe in yourself, I hope you know that we love you, Rainbow Dash. We all believe in you, so please, believe in us! WonderBolt or not, you’re our friend, and we’re going to stand by you whether you want us too or not!”

“*sniff* *whimper*”

Just then, Pinkie Pie started wailing, and ran to Rainbow Dash, giving her the biggest, tightest, longest hug she’d ever had.

“RAINB- BOWWWW! WE ALL *hic* LOVE YOU SO MUUUUCH! WAAAAAAAAAA *hic* AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”

“*sniff* I, I love you guys too!”

Then everyone else followed after Pinkie Pie. Even Fluttershy got a bit teary eyed, as they all gathered around for a group hug and cheered:

“WE LOVE YOU RAINBOW DASH!”

Hello.

My name is Bill Trinen.

Some of you may know me as the Senior Product Manager for Nintendo of America, however, today I’m here to give you a sneak peak, into my secret life as the eternal prince of hell.

Let’s take a look.

Chapter 49: The Saga Of Heaven And Hell Part 9: Those Who Stand, Those Who Fall, Those Who Fight, And Those Who Withdraw-l

“Herald!”

“Wuh, uh. Buh.”

“I looked everywhere for you! Oh my dear I’m so happy I’ve found you! What on EARTH have you been doing?”

“I… I uh.. Hehe, I been spinnin’ around an- an now I’m all dizzzyyyyYyyyYyYyyYYyyyYYyyYYyYyYyYyyyyYYYyUuuuUHuhuHuuhhhhhHhhhHh”

“Oh you poor thing! Listen dearest, I think we’d better get out of here! I know you’re trying to make it to father, but I think it’s far too dangerous! We need to go now! It’s simply not safe here! They make you spin in all these circles under the guise of making perefct 90 degree turns! Why do you think there are so many people stuck in this layer? It MUST be because nobody can ever possibly turn with such finesse!”

“Oh, but, but I bet that, that you can heeeeeeh.”

“For you, darling, I think I owe you one last try. But then we go home, ok? I need you there with me!”

“MMMMMMMMMhm! ^~^”

“OK!”

I turn once. It FEELS like 90 degrees to me, but right or wrong, there’s no confirmation. That’s how they get you. Every time someone does it and is not transported where they wish to go, they think “oh, maybe the last six were good but the turn I did seven turn ago was bad? Then I just need one more!” So they keep turning and turning forever, thinking each turn will be there last one, because, of course it must happen if they just keep at it, but it never does! People get exponentially worse at turning because each time they get a little dizzier, and eventually they get so dizzy it is nearly impossible, but they just keep turning because they have no idea which one was the wrong one, but I have it figured out: They’re all the wrong one. That’s why I’m only going to do exactly 7 this time!

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Chapter 50: The Saga Of Heaven And Hell Part 10: Never Nearly Not Needing Nothing.

“Hey kids! Daddy’s home!”

“Daddy!”

“Welcome home.”

“Have you been good little bones and germs?”

“Uhh >~<”

“Mhm!”

“Well, hehe, that’s good to hear. What did you guys get up to today, huh?”

“Oh, we played all these games, and I met these cool guys, and I had to spin in a bunch of circles and I got AAAALLL DIZZYYYY”

“Waiting for you to cum black”

“That sounds like fun! Did you miss me?”

“Did you miss me, dad?”

“Oh, I sure did. It’s been a long day, but it’s all worth it to get to see my two favorite guys again!”

“Yay!”

“So, you’re not mad at us?”

“Mad? At you two? Of course not. Listen, for a father, to really get angry at his children, at least two wonderful little rascals like yourselves, well, I think it’d be almost impossible.”

“HUG”

“*sniff* I’m… I’m so sorry *sob* a-about everything, really, I-I-I-”

“Hey, hey. There, there. Don’t strain yourself. Just let it out if you need to cry. I’m not going anywhere.”

“We really did miss you, dad!”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I *SNIFF* I… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”

Dad pressed Samantha deep into his chest. I think I missed him even more than her, but I knew that this was important, so I tried not to interrupt.

Eventually, she stopped crying. That’s when I said:

“So, c’mon! Let’s all go home!”

“Stay right here, and we’re gonna show you something amazing.”

“Wh-Who are you?!”

“I’m Bill Trinen, Senior Project Manager at Nintendo of America, but that’s not why I’m here today. I’m here to announce that we here at the deepest reaches of hell have heard your feedback, and we’ve got a lot of surprises in store for you today. From old favorites, to entirely new forms of inflicting pain, there’s something for every kind of damnation. Let’s take a look.”

Bill’s body extends so that he’s like Kraid, like literally his legs disappear and it’s just his torso up sticking up out of the ground, only his body is gigantic and changes size to fill the room at all times. He is terrifying. He gestures with his arm, revealing behind him a series of indescribably horrible machines. The all look terrifying. Some look like animals, others look more like super humanoids, and some even look like vacuum cleaners, but all of them have the same gun. What looks like an, an antique? An old lazer pistol in fact. They all charge at us with incredible speed. My father has no combat prowess, but a man like him would not stand for an offense on his family like this.

“Why are you doing this, Bill?! Do you really intend to keep us here forever? For what purpose?!”

“If this sounds confusing to you, don’t worry, it will all make sense the second you get your hands on the wrong end of a lazer gun, flailing in futility, then you’ll realize, just what you and gamers like you have been missing out on for years.”

“BILL YOU BASTARD!!! THESE CHILDREN CAME HERE OUT OF NAIVETE! AT LEAST LET THEM GO HOME FREE! THEY DON’T BELONG AMONGST THE DEAD!”

Bill hears none of dad’s feedback, instead, a robot gentleman grabs him by the throat, a pistol lined up perfectly with the underside of his jaw, without thinking, I rush to his rear and send a shot from my lazerevolver straight through his head, unfortunately-

“HERALD!”

I seem to have misplaced my wife. Did she seriously not bring a gun? What did she use to kill herself? I guess she has enough money to pay a doctor to do it quietly but, well, I guess it did take her awhile. In any case, this whole time i’ve been talking she’s been getting totally shot at by brontosaurus robots with gun tails and that’s bad because they’re super huge. Bill is laughing all the while. However, upon closer inspection, he’s not laughing, just staring at me, blankly. Is he sending the sound of maniacal laughter to me telepathically?

“You’ll never win Herald. You see this power I control? You see this mystical orb I hold? The one which is completely and utterly not an orange? That is the key to my power, a power far beyond your understanding. Within it lies the souls of 108 damned spirits and millions of former Club Nintendo members!”

Dumbass.

I shoot the orb, which is so gigantic there’s no way I’d miss even at this distance and the thing shatters like nothing. Immediately the robots stop freaking out and the spirits go flying off into oblivion. Who knows if they ever found peace, but at least they’re not all trapped in that thing.

“Well, congratulations. We’ve made it through yet another excellent year of eternal damnation. We hope you’ve all enjoyed our little ride through memory lane, and meeting a few new faces along the way too. We hope we’ve been able to show all of you out there just how dedicated we are to our passion for great experiences. We know you are. Until next time.”

“WAIT!”

“?!”

“We’re not… leaving here… Without our mother!”

“What, this old thing?”

Just then, my mother appears behind Bill. My birthmother that is.

“No, no, not her! We barely remember her! It’s like, she never even had a chance to make it into our lives until it was too late, being divorced by dad as soon as we were born and then paid never to see us again, you know who I really mean!”

“Oh, I know, you want your step-mother! Mother 2, step on out!”

“No, no, ESPECIALLY not her. I mean, she’s made enough of a lasting impression on me for a lifetime. That bitch never did anything that our real mother could’ve done better. I still don’t know why father let us be with her and not the original, but that’s… that’s behind me now! We had to put up with her and only her forever! She was horrible! She filled my head with so much SHIT!! And the worst oart is, that bitch made me believe i NEEDED HER!!!”

I didn’t even notice it at first, but I shot her through the skull. No idea what that means to someone in hell, but I did it on instinct.

“Well, who else could you mean then?”

“You know who I want! There was a third one! One with real LOVE! One that, that made all this chaos make sense! She knew everything, but she never talked down to us! She was brutally honest, and she made us cry, but every tear came with a laugh and at the end of the day, that’s what it means to love someone! That’s what this family still needs! Why did you take her from us? Why did she have to die Bill? We know you can bring her back! BRING HER BACK DAMNIT!! I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND ANYMORE!!!”

I don’t even know where Samantha and father were at the time, but I didn’t care. My body moved on its own. The room became a hail of lazerfire, Bill grabbed me with his giant hands, but I kept fighting as though nothing had changed.

“I’M SO DAMN TIRED!!!! I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!! I USED TO BE SOMEONE I COULD COUNT ON! I USED TO BE SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T TAKE SHIT FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU!! NOW HERE I AM, PLEADING WITH THE FUCKING DEVIL?! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK!!!!! YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF DEGENERATES!!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!! BURN IN HELL FUCKERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Is that really how you feel Herald?”

I don’t know who said it. It could’ve been my sister, my father, it might’ve even been Bill Trinen, but when I first heard it I could’ve sworn it was mother 3.

I stopped fighting.

I fell to the ground.

Samantha came to comfort me, knelt beside me and put her arms around me.

“Samantha…”

“What is it, darling?”

“I’m… I’m sorry.

I-

I’m…

I’m a child.”

“That’s ok, dear. You're still the little boy I fell in love with. You’re not strong or weak, you’re just you. You tell funny jokes. You’re always honest, like mom before she died. You get hurt so, so easily, and you don’t always let go of it the fastest, but still, you can take anything life gives you. You don’t have all the tools, just the ones you need. That’s what makes you you! Call me crazy, but, well, that’s the you I fell in love with.”

“I… I love you, Samantha. I’m sorry this all happened. I’m sorry you had to feel the same guilt. I don’t blame you at all. Can we… Can we please just go home?”

“Yes.”

WHAT HAS DO VOLUME 2

THE END