You're the Judge Now, Dog!

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/* "start": "Content Warning" */ /* "start": "skippy start" */ /* above can be switched for quick testing. Why the heck should I have to suffer through what I make the player suffer through? I already worked so hard on the code! */ /* todo: rearrange AUTO LOOP so there is one macro and it can be accessed from one number e.g. 11101 */ /* todo: if I really feel cruel, make the last link on a space so the player has to hunt */ /* this would mean sorting out which indices are spaces then picking one from a random file. We could use a while loop too of course. */ /* todo: see if there is a way to put timed text into an array */ <<set $stars_commentary to [ "(should be impossible to access)", "Really. Everyone rejects the truth reflexively at first. But dig deeper, grasshopper.", "Perhaps you are upset Buford Rootberg's work has not helped you much yet. Perhaps some of the blame lies on you. Well, more than perhaps.", "Three stars? If anyone does the negging around here, it is Buford Rootberg.", "Buford Rootberg knows he's not perfect. However, his not-perfect is clearly way above yours and largely isolated to things not worth perfecting. Think again." ]>> <<set $quip_tracker to 0>> <<set $critiques_index to 0>> <<set $critiques to [ "You spend 5 minutes imagining a glorious flame-war where you ask if the author really had nothing better to do. You emerge triumphant.", "You ask if that was the best the author could do. You feel superior to them either way.", "You imagine a critique of how you've both heard it all before and this is too weird to be relatable, but -- why bother? The author wouldn't listen, anyway.", "You feel superior for noticing a few typos on tricky words.", "You feel superior for noticing a few problems with shifting tense.", "You feel superior for noticing a few arcane grammar problems.", "You compare the work unfavorably to a famous author you really hated, since they seem superficially similar.", "You compare the work unfavorably to a famous author you really liked, imagining dressing down the author of this dreck for ruining a favorite author. Well, sort of. If you weren't so strong of spirit, it would have.", "You imagine a dilemma: take the author to task for addressing trivia, or for thinking they had the authority to address big issues?" ] >> <<run $critiques.shuffle()>> <<set $initial_critiques_length to $critiques.length>> <<set $deliwich_index to 0>> <<set $deliwich_nonsense to [ "You remember you're too lazy to make a sandwich, or go down all the grocery store aisles to pick up everything.", "You remember feeling very, very smug you did not spend time and money at McDonald's eating something similar, oblivious to how this is worse value for the money.", "You remember the frustration of trying to pry the darn sandwich open to put some ketchup and mustard in. Eventually you just schlopped it on top. Yet another failure.", "You remember priding yourself on not buying something like this at a deli where it would cost more. The pop, too. You downed it with a whole 2-liter bottle that cost 89 cents. Talk about value!" ]>> <<set $hot_pockets_nonsense to "You remember feeling particularly adventurous when Hot Pockets were on sale the other day, buying one of each, worrying you forgot one. But the effort of carrying them home from the store and organizing them in the freezer made you hungry. You wrote down all the flavors. But you forgot to cross out some that you ate. Which to go in for?">> <<set $hot_pockets_flavors to [ { flavor: "Applewood Bacon, Egg & Cheese", memory: "You remember figuring this counted as a fruit serving for the day." }, { flavor: "Buffalo Style Chicken", memory: "You were disappointed there wasn't that much chicken, but the nearest chicken place is almost a whole mile away. Too far to walk!" }, { flavor: "Chicken Bacon Ranch", memory: "When you were a kid, you always wondered about ranch dressing. Were you obliged to eat it on a ranch? Of course, you're an adult now, with no answers. You haven't ever even made it to a ranch. Or, come to think of it, even a marginal-quality Western themed restaurant." }, { flavor: "Crispy Crust Pepperoni Pizza", memory: "What's the point? You generally heat things too long in the microwave anyway, leaving them crispy." }, { flavor: "DELIWICH Cheese Melt Frozen Sandwiches", memory: "deliwich" }, { flavor: "DELIWICH Turkey and Colby Frozen Sandwiches", memory: "deliwich" }, { flavor: "DELIWICH Cheddar and Ham Frozen Sandwiches", memory: "deliwich" }, { flavor: "DELIWICH Pepperoni & Mozzarella Frozen Sandwiches", memory: "deliwich" }, { flavor: "Double Pepperoni Pizza", memory: "You remember how Buford Rootberg noted \"The more toppings a pizza has, the less there is of each.\" Certainly, it didn't SEEM to have double the usual pepperoni." }, { flavor: "Fiery Hot Pepperoni", memory: "It was not hot enough for you. Until you put a packet of hot sauce you found outside Taco Bell, unopened, on it. You had saved several months for a special occasion like this." }, { flavor: "Four Cheese Pizza", memory: "You only bought this to get one of each flavor. You couldn't tell which cheese was which." }, { flavor: "Garlic Buttery Crust Pepperoni Pizza", memory: "It was almost all crust. You thought of writing a letter to ask for a refund, but of course you were too lazy to get to the post office and buy stamps or envelopes, especially since you didn't have anyone else you mailed stuff to." }, { flavor: "Hickory Ham & Cheddar", memory: "You remember your parents telling you you did not need free Pepperidge Farm samples." }, { flavor: "Hot Habanero Pepperoni & Sausage", memory: "You remember when you did not have a tolerance for spicy Hot Pockets. You remember wanting something even spicier. One thing you don't remember, because you never did it, is going to the produce aisle at the grocery store (what's THAT?!) and maybe buying some jalapenos cheap. Oh no. That would be too much effort." }, { flavor: "Italian Style Meatballs & Mozzarella", memory: "It was like Chef Boyardee, but with lots of grease and bread. Bleah. At least it wasn't the plain spaghetti rings your parents kept buying for you. They would switch the can label with one that said spaghetti and meatballs. You never learned." }, { flavor: "Pepperoni Pizza", memory: "You realized you could have just bought a pepperoni pizza instead, and it would have been better value for the money. But it would have taken a few more minutes to heat up." }, { flavor: "Philly Steak & Cheese", memory: "You've never been to Philadelphia, but this made you feel like you get out of the house way more than you do. Unless, of course, you actually live in Philadelphia. Then it made you feel like you lived in a city worth visiting. Even if your neighborhood was not" }, { flavor: "Sausage, Egg & Cheese", memory: "This made you feel like you were roughing it. You remembered quitting Boy Scouts after the first camping trip. You actually, like, had to wash the cookware." }, { flavor: "Spicy Garlic Chicken & Bacon", memory: "As you don't have an athletic club membership, this made you feel like you were taking exciting risks, since it was sort of spicy." }, { flavor: "Steak & Cheddar", memory: "Of course you got one with lots of fat, so it was just cheddar. You thought about going to the store to ask for a refund. But you feared their lawyers might get at you for sneaky quasi-shoplifting." }, { flavor: "Steak Nacho", memory: "You remembered actually trying to put steak together with nachos. And putting nacho powder from the bottom of a chips bag on steak. Honestly, those worked better. This has been the extent of high cuisine and culinary adventure in your life." } ]>> <<set $bufords_lecture to "Buford's oratory continues soaring. What a brilliant combination of ancient wisdom and modern memes, of down-home languages and rhetorical flourishes! You have already forgiven him for your humiliation, which you see was for your own good. You have to chillax about these things, unlike when Buford Rootberg does not get exceptional service at a pricey restaurant or has to wait in line at the DMV. You feel as if you focus on just the right word or phrase, you will have a breakthrough that will change your life forever...">> <<set $buford_done to [ ]>> <<set $cookie_room to 0>> <<set $got_hot to 0>> <<set $last_entry_judged_text to "">> <<set $self_promotion to "Yet another pointlessly \"clever\" and \"funny\" wordplay game by Andrew Schultz">> <<set $entries to [ { name: "an entry with a lower-case title", opinion: "A complete and utterly unique concept! You are not fooled by such false humility." }, { name: "AN ENTRY WITH A TITLE IN ALL CAPS", opinion: "Well, it certainly makes YOU want to shout." }, { name: "An EnTrY iN sPoNgEbOb CaSe", opinion: "Anything that tries so hard to deliberately annoy the reader deserves a bad score." }, { name: "4N 3N7rY 1N 13375P34K", opinion: "If the whole work isn't in leetspeak, they got bored. If it is, they really must hate someone, and they probably cheated and used a script, too." }, { name: "An entry in emoticons", opinion: ":###.." }, { name: "An entry with twelve words in its title", opinion: "Obviously the author will have a problem not dribbling on in the work itself. Why bother?" }, { name: "A Stiffy Makane game in twine", opinion: "Ludicrous in-jokes. Certainly nowhere near on the level of in-jokes of Buford Rootberg's inner circle." }, { name: "A really tedious attempt to riff on The Room, apparently", opinion: "You spend time mentally tearing it apart, Lisa." }, { name: "A breakup story", opinion: "The biggest tragedy was the thinly veiled autobiographical character snaring anyone in the first place." }, { name: "A love story", opinion: "About the only thing you can say is, those two schleps were suited for each other." }, { name: "An overconfident title", opinion: "Well, the overconfidence was intended to be ironic." }, { name: "A far too self-pitying autobiographical affair", opinion: "Well, they're not wrong about how they suck." }, { name: "A far too self-promoting autobiographical affair", opinion: "You imagine what someone with even marginal talent could do with all that self-confidence!" }, { name: "An entry with an emoticon title and emoticons in the text", opinion: ":X" }, { name: "An entry about the joys of smoking weed", opinion: "Wandering, \"imaginative\" nonsense. Perhaps smoking weed would make it less dreary." }, { name: "An entry about the perils of smoking weed", opinion: "Didactic nonsense." }, { name: "An entry with really good cover art", opinion: "A five-minute glimpse at the content makes it clear where all the effort went." }, { name: "An entry with really bad cover art", opinion: "Truth in advertising." }, { name: "An apparent sequel to something that sounds awful", opinion: "Well, it's not ACTIVELY destroying society, is it?" }, { name: "An apparent prequel to something that sounds awful", opinion: "Just the idea reminds you of Jar Jar Binks, which is enough to say enough." }, { name: "A grand finale in a series that sounds awful", opinion: "My goodness. It does leave loose ends not tied up. Enough that you fear the author's inspiration may return." }, { name: "An epilogue in a series that sounds awful", opinion: "Well, it's better than if the author chose to start a new series." }, { name: "An entry that begins with X", opinion: "Well, it deserves an X, all right." }, { name: "HEY GUYS ITS ME IM BACK", opinion: "At least there was a warning." }, { name: "An allusion to Monty Python and/or Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy", opinion: "Oi! This one's almost certainly derivative." }, { name: "An allusion to classic literature you recognize but seriously don't have time to read", opinion: "You're sure some people will give it a great score based on the title alone, so you figure it's best to balance things out." }, { name: "A my lousy apartment game, set in the present", opinion: "The author seems not to have it as badly as you do, but they also seem less motivated to fix things. Loser." }, { name: "A my lousy apartment game, set in the future", opinion: "Such hooey! The future is only going to keep getting better and better. Unless, of course, we keep electing losers to public office instead of people who appreciate Buford Rootberg." }, { name: "The Place", opinion: "Obviously generic or boring from the title." }, { name: "An obviously overwrought satire on politics", opinion: "Really. Everyone knows all politicians are crooks. Even the politicians who work hard to give Buford Rootberg tax breaks." }, { name: "A parser game by a noted twine author, actually intended to insult parser authors", opinion: "It gets the point across all too well." }, { name: "A twine game by a noted parser author, actually intended to insult twine authors", opinion: "It gets the point across all too well." }, { name: $self_promotion, opinion: "You're sure it's brilliant and all, but it's not going to help you one bit to become more like Buford Rootberg." }, { name: "(Some 12-letter nonsense word)", opinion: "Obviously trying too hard to get attention." } ] >> <<set $initial_entries_length to $entries.length>> <<cacheaudio "bongo1" "ytjnd/bongo-riff_160bpm_D_major.wav">> <<cacheaudio "bongo2" "ytjnd/bongo-loop_99bpm_Csharp_minor.wav">> <<cacheaudio "bongo3" "ytjnd/drum-hit-snares-roll_120bpm.wav">> <<cacheaudio "bongo4" "ytjnd/fast-hand-drums_112bpm.wav">> <<cacheaudio "bongo5" "ytjnd/wide-hand-drums_115bpm.wav">> <<set $timed_tally = 0>> <<set $timed_read = 0>> <<set $minimum_stars = 1>> <<set $kayfabe = 1>> <<set $time_mult = 1>> <<set $total_toggles = 0>> <<set $sound_tried = 0>> <<set setup.time = function(second) { return second * $time_mult + "s"; }>> <<set setup.allwords = function(lecture) { return lecture.split(' '); }>> <<set $bufords_words to setup.allwords($bufords_lecture)>> <<set $metarooms to [ "Credits", "About", "Toggle Kayfabe", "Toggle Sound", "Toggle Timed Text" ]>> <<set $oldpsg to "skippy start">> /* just so no errors are thrown in the first room. This may not be necessary. */ <<set $oldpsg to "Content Warning">> */ /* just so no errors are thrown in the first room. This may not be necessary. */

<<widget "bufords_maze">> <<if $bufords_words.length == $buford_done.length + 1>><<set $nopelink="WASTE">><<else>><<set $nopelink = "NOPE">><</if>> <<for $i=0; $i < $bufords_words.length; $i++>> <<capture $i>> <<if $buford_done.includes($i)>> <<link `$bufords_words[$i]` "FAILURE">><</link>> <<else>> <<link `$bufords_words[$i]` `$nopelink`>><<run $buford_done.push($i)>><</link>> <</if>> <</capture>> <</for>> <<if $buford_done.length >= 10>>Or you can just crawl out the back, [[overwhelmed...|Juice and Cookies]]<</if>> <</widget>> <<widget "hopo">> <<run $hot_pockets_flavors.shuffle()>> <<if $hot_pockets_flavors.length == 1>> <<print $hot_pockets_flavors[0].flavor>><<link "." "Of Course">><<run $hot_pockets_flavors.deleteAt($i)>><</link>> <<else>> <ul> <<for $i = 0; $i < $hot_pockets_flavors.length; $i++>> <<capture $i>> <<set $which = random(1, $hot_pockets_flavors[$i].flavor.length - 1)>> <<set $hpf = $hot_pockets_flavors[$i].flavor>> <li><<print $hpf.substring(0, $which)>><<link `$hpf[$which]` "Hot Pockets">><<if $hot_pockets_flavors[$i].memory is "deliwich">><<set $hot_pockets_nonsense to $deliwich_nonsense[$deliwich_index]>><<set $deliwich_index to $deliwich_index + 1>><<else>><<set $hot_pockets_nonsense=$hot_pockets_flavors[$i].memory>><</if>><<run $hot_pockets_flavors.deleteAt($i)>><</link>><<print $hpf.substring($which + 1, $hpf.length)>></li> <</capture>> <</for>> </ul> <</if>> <</widget>> <<widget "iit">> <<run $entries.shuffle()>> <<if $entries.length == 1>> <<print $entries[0].name>><<link "." "But wait">><<run $entries.delete($entries[0].name)>><</link>> <<else>> <ul> <<for $i = 0; $i < $entries.length; $i++>> <<capture $i>> <<set $this_name = $entries[$i].name>> <<set $which = random(1, $this_name.length - 1)>> <li><<print $this_name.substring(0, $which)>><<link `$this_name[$which]` "IT IS TIME">><<set $last_entry_judged_text = $entries[$i].opinion>><<run $entries.deleteAt($i)>><</link>><<print $this_name.substring($which + 1, $this_name.length)>></li> <</capture>> <</for>> </ul> <</if>> <</widget>> <<widget "plainfooter">> <<if $metarooms.contains(passage())>> [[Back to the gripping saga, already|$oldpsg]] <</if>> <</widget>> <<widget "random_fake_clever">> $quip_tracker <<if $quip_tracker >= 0>>$critiques[$critiques_index]<<set $critiques_index to $critiques_index + 1>><<set $quip_tracker to $quip_tracker - $initial_entries_length>><</if>> <<set $quip_tracker to $quip_tracker + $initial_critiques_length>> $quip_tracker <</widget>> <<widget "stars">> <<for $i=$minimum_stars; $i <= 4; $i++>> <<capture $i>> <<for $j=1; $j <= $i; $j++>><<link [img["ytjnd/fullstar.png"][notquite]]>><<set $minimum_stars = $i + 1>><</link>><</for>><<for $j=$i; $j < 5; $j++>><<link [img["ytjnd/emptystar.png"][notquite]]>><<set $minimum_stars = $i + 1>><</link>><</for>> <</capture>> <</for>> <<for $i=1; $i <= 5; $i++>><<link [img["ytjnd/fullstar.png"][gotit]]>><</link>><</for>> <</widget>> <<widget "tally">> <<set $timed_tally += 1>> <<set $timed_read += $time_mult>> <</widget>> <<widget "time_it">> <<print $args[0][0]>> <<for $i=1; $i < $args[0].length; $i++>> <<timed setup.time(1*$i)>> <<print $i>> <<print $args[0][$i]>> <</timed>> <</for>> <</widget>> <<widget "timed_eval">> <<set $percent = Number(($timed_read * 100 / $timed_tally).toFixed(2))>> Your grade is $percent percent. <<if $percent > 80>>Did you really have nothing better to do than sit and wait for the next thing I had to say? Of course I am flattered, but this shows a grievous lack of initiative. <<elseif $percent > 60>>You listen okay, I guess. But you probably didn't listen quite enough for everything to sink in. <<elseif $percent > 40>>So you permitted about half of them. Suitable for someone who's probably half-***ed, or maybe even third- or fourth-, their life. <<elseif $percent > 20>>I guess you couldn't handle thinking deeply about what I had to say. When you skimmed through it, you probably only really internalized the stuff you already sort of knew. My deeper meaning lies hidden from you. <<else>>I don't think you understand how the world works at all. It's people like me who get to blow people like you off, here, and tell you to get on with things, already. Not the other way around. You may think you want to put all this knowledge into action right away, but I doubt you will. <</if>> Okay. final bit. I'm in a rush. So don't think you're discarding me. I'm discarding you. I'm afraid I really don't have any more time for this timed text nonsense, thank you very much. I feel as if I should try to help you more, since I am not getting through to you. But it would be time wasted. Indeed, even life experts like me are subject to the fallacy of sunk costs. Still, you should know this. There are five possible evaluations. I'm sure you'll want to play through again to see them all. Or perhaps you will, in a moment of utter brilliance, search through the source code. Perhaps you can learn something from that. But of course not as much as you could learn from Buford Rootberg. Also, this was too important to put behind timed text: do you remember the flash screen that requested a donation, before your metaphysical adventure here? Perhaps it is time to revisit that. If you say such a fee is too exorbitant, remember that true knowledge is priceless. Perhaps paying for the wisdom in which you were just immersed will make you commit to following it better, long-term, than just saying "Wow! Neat advice, thanks!" Hey, we all owe it to ourselves to try every form of motivation we can. You must consider the possibility that paying even a fraction of the requested donation may push you to say "You know that advice I got? I see it as an INVESTMENT. I want it to be worth so much more than I paid for. I WILL START TODAY." Or you could be someone who scrounges for juice and cookies while others earn champagne<<if $cookie_room is 0>>.What free juice and cookies, you say?Oh dear. That's right. My notes show you missed even that. They didn't appear until you tried ten unique ways to look at Buford's lecture.Perhaps you should revisit the lecture, for just one more life lesson<</if>>. Of course, if you still want to be eating Hot Pockets and judging the next bad games jam a year from now, that is up to you. Maybe you even think it will really be stepping out to actually write one. An exercise in pointlessness, indeed! An even greater waste of effort than voting! <</widget>>

<<if not $metarooms.contains(passage())>><<set $oldpsg=passage()>><</if>> [[About]] [[Credits]] [[Toggle Kayfabe]] [[Toggle Sound]] [[Toggle Timed Text]]

<<if $kayfabe is 1>>Can't handle the heat, eh? Kayfabe is now off.<<else>>I knew you'd come back. I'm just too slick.<</if>> This of course will not affect the whole story. Only the meta-text. <<set $kayfabe = 1 - $kayfabe>>

<<if $total_toggles is 0>> <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You're missing out, you know. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I'm a whiz with conversational pauses. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It leaves people breathless expecting the next doozy. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> After all, conversing with me is a joyous experience. Why let it slide too quickly? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But I guess you just want to use me and gobble up my wisdom quick-quick without worrying if I might feel insulted. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I don't. Someone else will sit and listen to me, enraptured. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> With of course timely exhortations to please, please continue. Not too short and not too long. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Perhaps one day they will master the art of the meaningful pause, but until then, they really should pay their dues. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But if they have something to discuss, they know to get to the point and respect my time. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Oh. "They" includes you, if you failed to guess. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Or just plain got too big for your britches. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Anyway, um, okay, I did as requested. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> So don't whine I never did anything for you. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> What's that? I took too long to? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Well, I had some things on my mind. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> There is a thing called empathic listening. You should try it. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Perhaps if you were as exciting as Buford Rootberg, you'd have enough to offer, you wouldn't need to. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But you aren't, so you do. <</timed>> <<elseif $total_toggles is 1>> <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Ah. I knew you'd come back to the right path. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You've seen the light, why timed text is utterly necessary. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Well, when I'm discussing it with you. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Don't try it yourself, though, Jackson. You're not the conversational expert I am. <</timed>> <<else>> <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You like battering me around, don't you? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> If it pleases you, I guess. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I am not so indecisive. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Neither is Buford Rootberg. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Anyway, timed text is back <<if $time_mult is 0>>off<<else>>on<</if>>. <</timed>> <</if>><<set $total_toggles = $total_toggles + 1>><<set $time_mult = 1 - $time_mult>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>> <<if $kayfabe is 0>>You know, if this game were actually intended to be any good, I'd implement sound toggles, with a widget on the widgets page saying ((widget optsound))((if sound is 1))((audio "bongo5" play loop))((/if))((/widget)). But it's not. So I didn't. I'll use the deadline as an excuse, but I won't bother to address this in a post-comp update. <<elseif $sound_tried is 0>> <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Really? Do I have to do everything for you? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I mean, I know I'm capable, but surely I have better things to do with my time than toggle the sound. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Or program a sound toggle. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It's not hard, but it's beneath me, you know. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> If anyone deserves to make others perform trivial tasks, it's me. I've paid my dues. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> What's that? It took longer to type this than to implement the simple switch? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Well, it's the principle of the thing. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I mean, I try to provide simple life lessons you probably should've learned years ago, with minimal judgment. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> And all I get in return is ingratitude!<<set $sound_tried to 1>> <</timed>> <<else>> <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Oh, come on. Asking again doesn't work. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It just makes me more annoyed. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You seem to have a pattern of trying to annoy me. What have I done to deserve this? <</timed>> <</if>>

/* we need to simulate the user toggling timed text */ <<set $time_mult = 0>> <<set $total_toggles = 1>> [[The Start]] [[Hot Pockets]] [[Dream]] [[Evaluation]]

This is a content warning, for emotional/verbal abuse and alcohol use. I want this entry to be terrible, and terrible to the characters therein, but not terrible to the reader. I mean, besides shining a light on some pretty bad behavior. There's no way for that to be perfectly cheery. If this is okay, [[let's begin|The Start]].

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Big Tech is censoring me, you know. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Well, I don't have it as bad as noted Fine Young American Josh Hawley, but it's pretty oppressive. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Unlike, say, an angry mob of poor misunderstood patriots on January 6, you can't even run from it! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> And since you are reading this, it is censoring you, too. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It may not seem like much, but you have not seen the light, yet. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> For "security reasons" browsers would not let me play sounds on the opening page. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Also the whole "considering people's feelings" thing means you need a content warning. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Talk about the Nanny State! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I am thus very, very clever to have written a throwaway opening page so the sound starts in the real story. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You are of course free to turn off the sound if you must. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> The brilliance of my words should be enough. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But it's all carefully calibrated to fuse your senses with the written word for a super epiphany. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Don't come complaining to me if you play through without sound and your life is not changed for the better. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Come to think of it, don't come complaining to me if you play through with sound and your life is not changed for the better. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Perhaps you are not ready for the changes this work can make in you, if only you embrace positive thinking. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> [[Proceed!|Behold]] <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>>Behold! I have composed an interactive fiction! <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Lo, it has welled up from the depths of my soul. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It is certainly going to be the sort of work that makes you think. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Of course, there is doing, too, which is more important. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But for starters, just picture yourself authoritatively saying to a crowd "Boy! You know You're the Judge Now, Dog? It really makes you think!" <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> They can be people who really need the life lessons herein, or people who don't. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> By the way, if the timed text annoys you because you think you are very busy and sure your time is better spent elsewhere, you need to check your privilege at the door, Buster. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It's you who will be missing out. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I do not buy the claim that I am wasting your time. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> There is a thing called multitasking, you know. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It is an important skill to maximize the time one has in the Information Age! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Suffice to say, I would very much appreciate if you appreciated this work more than all the entries in this jam. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Strictly for your own spiritual nourishment, of course. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I have enough people heaping praise on me every day. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Not as many as Buford Rootberg (who does? Who deserves it?) and still not quite as many as I deserve. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Life is like that, though. Still I soldier on. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But it is not just emotional resonance that my magnum opus, both spontaneous and long-thought-out, offers. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> There is much technical skill therein. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You would do well to marvel at the features on the sidebar, to know that I have, indeed, a keen balance of technical and emotional acumen. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> More than you. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> No offense. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Hopefully, you will want to write to me, to tell me how brilliant I am, but you will be too awed at first. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> However, after five or so times, you will finally get the guts. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You will be impressed by the wittiness of my response, positive or negative, if I am bothered to give one. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You will also be impressed if it is right away (how gung-ho!) or if it takes a while (boy, that guy sure is busy!) <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> [[Golly gosh and wow! I'm beyond intrigued!!|Buford]] <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>>You may have noticed something. <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> The name Buford Rootberg. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> This game was, in fact, commissioned by Buford Rootberg himself. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Who is Buford Rootberg? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Have you been living under a rock?!?! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You really should know who he is, even if you don't deserve to know him in person. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But you do. Yet you don't. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You two went to high school together. He is the same old Buford Rootberg, except for the life success tips he inevitably picked up and acted on along the way. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> He and I have talked about you, you know. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Not because you were particularly interesting. Well, you are meta-interesting. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> What would it take to make someone like you actually interesting? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Did you gain motivation from when he made fun of you for not being interesting? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Or have you surrounded yourself with yes-men who assure you you don't have to be interesting, and you are okay as you are? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Remember, in every life there is conflict. It is how we deal with it that counts. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But you're playing through some silly itch.io games, so obviously, you're stuck in third gear or worse. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Buford certainly is not! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Buford has bigger things to do than hand-holding to make someone like you interesting. He gives lots of money to charities. Not the ones with grubby yucky common people, but the ones with people who know how to use money properly. They must. After all, they have a lot of it. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I am privileged and honored that he designated me as an associate Cool-At-Life Guy to pass on what I learned from him. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Such lessons would be better coming from him, of course. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But there would be a higher risk you would be insanely jealous of him and close this webpage before you learned the real stuff. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> That won't happen here. It'd better not happen here. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> For your own sake, of course. Buford Rootberg already paid me to do this. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> He could learn Twine, much faster than you or I, but of course there's one hitch. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Doing so would be a waste of his time. He has so much positivity and vitality to spread. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Yes, even to you. You, the poor sod stuck here judging entries to this games jam. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> And you are going to judge them. I don't care what the hosts say. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> (By the way, congratulations on finally getting bored of Solitaire! Or was it FreeCell?) <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I have it on good authority that all the other entries are very bad, and yet participation ribbon culture demands everyone get a participation ribbon. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You know what else is bad? Cancel culture. For very different reasons, of course. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I'm fair and balanced like that. Not as fair and balanced as Buford Rootberg. You should see him. He has tough but fair advice for muscleheads and dorks alike! Why, everyone is held spellbound! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Still, people seem terribly impressed at my own brand of (if I may say so myself) thoroughly with-it complaining. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> And indeed, why should I hang the hosts' every word for approval? They're not Buford Rootberg, of course. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Wait! What's that, you say? With a name like Buford Rootberg, how could you possibly be cool? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Well, that's just downright un-American. Buford worked hard to be cool, despite this grievous handicap that would have felled lesser people like me, or much lesser people like you. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You can find the motivation if you want. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But you don't. Or you haven't. You're stuck here rating this jam. Poor you! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Well, it would be poor you, without this dazzling entry that is both impressively didactic and soaringly lyrical. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Anyway, I wish to pay forward the wisdom of Buford Rootberg. He's a real man of the people. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You know, the people he'd be lying to claim he WASN'T better than. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Anyway, you would do well to conform to his maverick views. He is giving you this chance I am giving you this chance. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> How? Well, first, there's this entry in the jam. And [[you're going to have opinions about it. The right ones|But First]]. <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But first, I want to know about you. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Critical questions. Questions that show I care! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Are you having fun so far? <<link [[YES|Fun]]>><<set $fun=1>><</link>> | <<link [[NO|Fun]]>><<set $fun=0>><</link>> <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<if $fun is 1>> Geez, easy there, tiger! Slow your roll! We haven't even started yet. You've got some low standards, there. You're going to exhaust yourself for the good stuff. <<else>> Someone's got a sense of entitlement! You should be here to learn. And if you learn enough, the fun will follow. Not just on itch.io. But in real life. <</if>> Let's try again. Have you been thinking a lot about Buford Rootberg since high school? <<link [[YES|Thinking]]>><<set $thinking=0>><</link>> | <<link [[NO|Thinking]]>><<set $thinking=1>><</link>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<if $thinking is 1>> Dwelling on the past may be why you haven't accomplished much in life. <<else>> Failure to consider insightful and dynamic feedback may be why you haven't accomplished much in life. <</if>> Okay, third question. Do you smoke? <<link [[YES|Smoking]]>><<set $smoking=1>><</link>> | <<link [[NO|Smoking]]>><<set $smoking=0>><</link>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<if $smoking is 1>> I figured you'd make such a poor life choice. <<else>> Well, you were probably too scared to go buy a pack and get hooked before you turned 18. Don't feel too clever. <</if>> So, what about drinking? <<link [[NEVER|Drinking]]>><<set $drinking=0>><</link>> | <<link [[A LITTLE|Drinking]]>><<set $drinking=1>><</link>> | <<link [[A LOT|Drinking]]>><<set $drinking=2>><</link>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<if $drinking is 0>> Don't go thinking you're superior to other people because of that. <<elseif $drinking is 1>> Well of course you can't REALLY build up a tolerance. <<else>> No self-control, eh? <</if>> Let's try once more. Maybe fourth time is the charm. Do you actually have a sense of humor? <<link [[NO|Humor]]>><<set $humor=0>><</link>> | <<link [[YES|Humor]]>><<set $humor=1>><</link>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<if $humor is 0>> Look, I've had people play this game with me before, fishing for unearned compliments. I'm onto that, see? <<else>> Laughing at your own jokes doesn't count, I'm afraid. Neither does being pretty sure you're a bit too subtle sometimes. <</if>> Okay, one final thing. Do you vote in governmental elections? <<link [[NO|Voting]]>><<set $voting=0>><</link>> | <<link [[YES|Voting]]>><<set $voting=1>><</link>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<if $voting is 0>> Can't even take the time once a year? Sigh. <<else>> Are you under the illusion it actually does any good? How quaint! The people in the shadows, the ones with money, control everything. <</if>> <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But there's one thing you can vote on, and it will be good for your soul. This jam right here! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It's going to require energy, though. For energy, you need sustenance. [[EAT|Hot Pockets]]. <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<if $got_hot is 0>><<set $got_hot to 1>>You, of course, having a worthless layabout life (I'm sorry, I forgot to ask if you are hopelessly unemployed, too chicken to ask for your proper market value, or an overpaid leech) eat the fare of a worthless layabout loser. In this case, Hot Pockets. You heat them up in the microwave. You just can't get enough of them. You look down on bums who subsist on ramen. $hot_pockets_nonsense <<else>>Nope! Ate that the other day. You notice the wrapper in the trash you forgot to take out. It stirs a memory or two. $hot_pockets_nonsense Try again.<</if>> <<hopo>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Well of course you saved the least favorite for last. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It puts you in a grumpy mood. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You blame society. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But you'd get your butt kicked even worse by a society that was better at getting people to understand delayed gratification, or even minimal preparedness for times of need. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You spend a while convincing yourself the Hot Pockets didn't taste that bad, before spending a while vowing to eat healthier later. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You spend a lot of time judging yourself. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But then, to get rid of that stinkin' thinkin, you judge sort-of friends who subsist on ramen noodles, instead. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It puts you in the mood to [[get judging the jam entries|IT IS TIME]]. That's how the Golden Rule works, right? <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<if $last_entry_judged_text is "">>(NOTE: I looked at the entry names but remember little or nothing from them. So this is all random.)Boy oh boy! There are a lot of entries. You want to be fair and balanced and vote for them all.<<else>><<print $last_entry_judged_text>><<random_fake_clever>>One star out of five. What else could it be?<</if>> <<iit>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I hope you didn't cheat back there. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Cheat? But how? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Why, by clicking at the top of the document and hitting tab, then enter, a bunch of times. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> If you didn't figure this out, go in a corner and feel stupid. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> If you did but were too chicken, you're equally hopeless. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> If you actually cheated, well, that is a lack of character. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> People like Buford Rootberg deserve such shortcuts, though, because of course they will use the time they saved much, much better. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Just considering all the angles here. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Anyway, enough yacking. [[There's one more entry you overlooked|Overlooked]]. <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> The one you are playing right now, of course. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I know. You were just so immersed. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But news flash: there is a thing called real life. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You will have to get back to it, after judging everything. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> What score do you wish to give it? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> <<stars>> <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<print $stars_commentary[$minimum_stars-1]>> <<stars>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>> <<audio "bongo5" stop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Yes. That is it. What else could it be? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You learned so much from people whose writing was inferior to yours, or, well, yours if you ever actually bothered to sit down and write. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But you learned the most from Buford Rootberg. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You sit back and reflect. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But then, a thumping against the window! A familiar voice through a bullhorn! Loud music blasting! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Who bothers your contemplation and pontification? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Oh my! It is a sports car more expensive than all the cars you will ever buy, put together! (Adjusted for inflation.) <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> And who steps out but ... <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> ... Buford Rootberg himself? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "Hey! Whoah! It's that one dude I used to make fun of in high school! Nothing personal. It's just, it helped boost morale. For people who weren't in love with dorky classes. And it built character, right?" <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You stammer, star-struck, unable to speak. It would be one thing to meet a celebrity, but to meet someone who actually deserves celebrity, like Buford Rootberg? Well... <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Of course there are two bodacious women in the sports car with him. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "Hey! This is that one guy I made fun of in high school. But he's special." He introduces you, mangling your name and, of course, advising you to stay ten feet back so as not to wear yourself out running after him. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> As his oratory soars, you remember being grateful for the times he meted out tough but fair criticism to others, cribbing from his rigorous notes. And not being properly grateful when he gve you attention. But you are older and wiser now! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Buford Rootberg pulls out an expensive bottle of champagne. "Oops. Can't drink it now. I'm driving. But I have something for you." <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> He's clearly been working out, He throws a big heavy box your way. Then he gets back in his car and floors the gas. Well, long good-byes are awkward. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Inside is beer. Good get-drunk value for the money, as they say. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Buford Rootberg was too busy to tell you he knew you'd turn out all right after all, but you knew he meant to say it. Plus there were those two babes it would be unchivalrous to ignore. You hope to be that busy one day! You believe in yourself! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> The beer helps your self-belief. It is also potent [[insulation against insomnia...|Dream]] <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Of course you are dreaming about Buford Rootberg, too. He left such an impression! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You are having a lucid dream. You remember talking too much about dreams when you were younger, and Buford Rootberg called you out on it, before talking a while about the sports cars and big houses he would buy. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Well, we see who got more results. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You have been invited to a free seminar he is hosting. You recognize some of his hangers-on from high school. They act as crowd control for the riff raff who really shouldn't be there for such brilliant free advice and had better watch it. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But they make you feel like you only kinda shouldn't be there, and that makes you feel like SOMEBODY! Oh boy! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Of course the beautiful women he was with are there, too. Along with several others. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It's understood, of course, that if you touch them or even get in their personal space, you'll be thrown out. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> In fact attendees are criticized for flattering their looks, or for not flattering their looks. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Hey, there's always something we can work on, right? <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Everywhere is pictures of Buford Rootberg's accomplishments, travels and possessions. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It takes you a while to locate the car he was just driving, the one you saw him in, among the many he owns. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It's like Where's Waldo, only Where's Waldo doesn't exactly inspire you to help the economy, and stuff. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Beneath or above each proof of wealth is a reminder that wealth is a state of mind. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> With the hoi polloi sufficiently wowed, the wisdom begins. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Buford Rootberg's life advice swirls around. You imagine he needs to appear in others' dreams a whole lot. His life is busy, but this must be next level. It should be his relaxing time! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But then you realize that Buford Rootberg is one of the few, the proud, who actually LIVE their lives to the fullest. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Perhaps you can turn some scraps into making your life worth something for yourself. Or even better, for someone like Buford Rootberg. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Of course he could not be a direct mentor. Or a mentor's mentor. Or even a mentor's mentor's mentor. But that's no excuse not to try. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> There is a huge round of applause for something he said. For thirty seconds, you get lost in your own interpretations. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Then Buford Rootberg calls out someone specific in the audience. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> YOU! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> And he lets you have it. But only because he cares deep down inside. Somehow you are the worst example of letting your life slip, and yet you were always the most hopeless. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> He points out that some people need to face harsh truths. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Mostly people who call him unethical, sleazy, and cruel and full of contempt. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Because you have to admit, if you had the moral authority to truth-bomb as Buford Rootberg did, you would use it. <</timed>> The [[soaring oratory continues!|Buford's Maze]].

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<bufords_maze>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><img src = "ytjnd/nope.png" height=420> [[Try again!|Buford's Maze]]

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>>Really? An inspiring lecture from Buford Rootberg, and you decided all that navel-gazing was a better idea? [[Your loss.|Dream End]]

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" stop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You are running around in circles and you know it. Whatever profound thought you thought was there is gone. Perhaps there was another in Buford's lecture while you were navel-gazing. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Wait. What am I saying? Of course there was! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> [[Your loss.|Dream End]] <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" stop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You find yourself in a room with juice and cookies. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Guarded by two men. One is taller than you, one is shorter. Both are more muscular, of course. They wear wraparound sunglasses. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "This juice and these cookies are for people with the ability to stay through Buford's whole lecture. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "If you don't appreciate his free lecture, you don't deserve free juice and cookies." <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> After a moment's inspection, you decide they aren't even close to your favorite juice, or your favorite cookies. Too bland. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But the guards are on to you. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "This is for the people who run out of the lecture right away and do not rush to fawn over Buford's wisdom. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "The really good cookies come out later, after the short-sighted folks who are just happy with any old juice and cookies have had their fill. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "But you do not even get that." <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> The guards sense you are about to cry. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> So they pour it on. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "Of course, after his latest success, Buford Rootberg treats all his employees to all the beer, pop and pizza we can eat. Nobody attending the lecture deserves that. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "And, of course, we do not deserve the steak dinner and expensive wine our managers get. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "And none of the thrills of free food compare to the thrill Buford Rootberg must feel when he blows $200 on a meal at a restaurant. Which is nothing to him. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "Now that is helping the economy! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "Unlike people like you, just waiting for handouts. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> "The more handouts people like you take, the less people like Buford Rootberg can acquire the tax breaks they deserve." <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Boom! The truth bomb has made a direct hit! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> <<set $cookie_room = 1>>[[You slink out a side door...|Dream End]] <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" stop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> The dream ends, and you wake up with a sense of shame and inadequacy. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But on quick reflection, you do not consider it a nightmare. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You doubt seriously if Buford Rootberg's sleeping self really does travel into other people's dreams. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Which means, since you dreamed such a brilliant speech, the ability to know and do like Buford Rootberg has been inside you all the time! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Wait, that's just pompous of you. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Far more likely you were just ready for his figurative and literal kick in the butt the night before, and he's just that good at getting his message across in a short time, or planting a seed of ambition. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> To be more than some clown who rates games on itch.io. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You will rate other people. Whether they want it or not. You will show you know what's what. It will contribute to society. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Oh. [[Just one more thing|Finish Beer]]. <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" stop>><<audio "bongo2" stop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You didn't finish all the beer Buford Rootberg gave you! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You certainly are in a drinking mood. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Drinking from self-pity of being nowhere near Buford Rootberg. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Yet also drinking in celebration of a new life and goals. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You finish the last of the case. What is this at the bottom? A book! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> The Game, by Neil Strauss. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> There is so much profundity in it, your drunk mind can barely cope. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But its discussion of negging females makes you realize, I can do it to. I've always had that in me. I've always wanted to. I never had the courage. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Of course, life is much more than hookups. You look beneath the surface of this profound tome and realize you have been remiss in non-romantic things. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It is time to prioritize platonically negging other guys, every day. Both those you know (okay, almost exclusively online, you social weakling, you) and those you don't. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> A healthy balance of "what the hell is your problem?" and "you know what your problem is?" <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Hey, if they are really with-it, they'll be able to use it to make them stronger. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> If not, they need to learn life skills. And not just from a book. By doing. Nobody's going to give it to them. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> So simple and profound. You think back to negging incidents, or incidents where you could or should have negged, and you vow to make your life, and others', more full of challenges in the future. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Wow! What a whirlwind of self-exploration and discovery! You wonder if you deserved it! <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> There can be just one thing ahead: [[my evaluation of your performance|ITJND]]. <</timed>>

<<audio "bongo1" play loop>><<audio "bongo2" play loop>><<audio "bongo3" play loop>><<audio "bongo4" play loop>><<audio "bongo5" play loop>><<timed setup.time(2)>> I'M the judge now, dog! <<tally>> First, um, yeah, thanks for the five stars and all, I guess. But ... I have to admit, there was really no other choice. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Also, I am morally bound to be objective back in my evaluation of you. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> It looks like you took the time to actually really think on $timed_read of my $timed_tally meaningful pauses. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Let's calculate how that stacks up. I'm sure you're excited for the big reveal.<<if $time_mult is 0>> Yes, that's right. Your request to squelch timed text here is denied. I humored you enough. Have you no feel for grand finales? Are you spoiled by how everything on the Internet comes instantly? <</if>> <<next 5s>> <<timed_eval>> <</timed>>

<<if $kayfabe is 1>> <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Quite frankly I worry with all this time to hone my vision, it might not be nearly as bad as intended, (he said without a hint of humblebragging.) <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> But one does what one can. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I didn't start this until 24-48 hours left. I didn't want to plan too much. I obviously had much, much better things to do. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Anyway, this is meant to be motivational, to help you be more like Buford Rootberg. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You will probably despair you can't get close. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Do you have the character to pick yourself up off the ground? <</timed>> <<else>> This came as a result of Ryan Veeder's imaginary IFComp games among the 2014 authors. I wondered what a really bad troll entry would be like. Or perhaps an entry that tried to win IFComp's Golden Banana of Discord, deliberately. But I put it aside, because it was obviously too mean. I kept kicking it around in my mind, though. I'm quite interested in what is bad, and how many people are pleased they have polished their presentation, not so they can help others more, but waste their time more. I've been fooled a lot by them, myself. Then recently an IFComp troll entry appeared which attacked a liked and respected community member--but only for one of two paths! I felt a lot less like a bum, relatively speaking, for my thought experiment. But nobody had still tried for the Golden Banana. Of course, there are people who wish to make a stir. Damon Wakes did it better, with Dick McButts Gets Kicked in the Nuts. I can't imagine anyone can do it much better, but I'm also glad I wasn't the only person thinking of a deliberate Golden Banana entry. I sort of figured it wasn't worth trying to top that. I genuinely wondered if it was worth bothering with. Eventually I really had nothing better to do. And then I figured, how good could something physically written in 48 hours be? Not very good, is the projection. In all seriousness, people like Buford Rootberg and his hangers-on annoy me terribly. They probably annoy you too. But they are hard to laugh at. P.S. I really do hate timed text. <</if>> Oh, also, if Buford Rootberg had had the time to write this, it would be even more brilliant. But you're stuck with me.

<<if $kayfabe is 1>> <<timed setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Buford Rootberg commissioned this work. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> You have him to thank for it. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> He will give me an extra hearty back-slap next time we meet. I hope that's not all. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Buford Rootberg has mastered the art of making money by telling people they need to show passion and not worry about money. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Hey, it works for him. He shows tons of passion, and he's not worried about money. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> Oh. I suppose I should thank the organizer of the Ham, manonamora, too. And the people who made twine and offered help to those whose projects will be far less profound than my own. And the Hot Pockets website, for displaying all the flavors. And samplefocus.com for the bongo sounds, even if it only let me download 5. The users, user2427868925828, user4529351163180, public-domain, and wesley-robson. Somehow I doubt samplefocus.com has 4 trillion users, though. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> I was also eventually able to Google some coding stuff I needed, but it took a few tries. That's probably the Twine community's fault for not making it even easier to access. <<next setup.time(2)>><<tally>> None of these people, of course, helped me to convey any of the brilliant life messages in the text. But I guess they're nice and all. <</timed>> <<else>> There are a lot of people who helped. The Hot Pockets website had a list of all the flavors. Manonamora organized the jam and answered questions I had. Also this work was awarded the "S-tier bad" level in the final organizer's evaluation list. I will cherish that. Samplefocus.com had the bongo sounds. They were uploaded by user2427868925828, user4529351163180, public-domain, and wesley-robson. I'd like to thank everyone who has helped me cope with all the Buford Rootbergs of the world, whatever the Bufords' degree of cartoonishness. Each bit of concrete advice or general empathy helps. It's tricky. I could write analysis of why it is wrong. That makes a dent. But there is no magic bullet so it stops bugging you, or so you can reject their nonsense when you see it. It's still unclear what makes you say you've had enough, and you don't deserve to be stuck like this and not spin your wheels and say "gee, maybe he has a point..." Someone will always come at you from a completely different angle, with intent to confuse. If they're polished enough, or if you feel "oh, they wouldn't do THAT, that's too much," you can b entrapped. You need to find simple and decisive rules and methods to deflecting that. So I tried to say completely the wrong thing here. Sometimes that helps in weird ways. Whether or not you're religious, "The devil cannot abide mockery" is good advice. No parameters are set on said mockery's logical rigor. Do what works well. <</if>>

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