Girth Loinhammer and the Quest for Five Freakin' Minutes

You are Girth Loinhammer, Dungeon Lord! In theory that should mean you're an intimidating figure with an underground complex of minions and treasure, but in practice it means being swamped by weirdos expecting a //different// kind of dungeon. And whipping them only makes it worse. Today is particularly bad. People won't stop bursting into the dungeon, and you have a pounding mead headache. Is five freakin' minutes so much to ask? "I know how you can resolve this problem..." announces the wizard who just teleported right into your throne room. [[Accept the wizard's help.]] [[Figure out the wizard's behind all this and kill him.]]

The wizard instructs you to quest for the mystical Amulet of Ma'ahewj. [[Go alone.]] [[Lure your girlfriend Sekhmet into going along by turning on the can opener.]]

"Whoah boy!" yelps the wizard as you clap his head between your meaty palms. Your hands (and many more things besides) become splattered with wizard brains, but it buys you at least half an hour of peace. Ahhh, bliss. ''~END~''

You set off from your dungeon and are almost immediately accosted by an ogre. [[Use a thong as an improvised sling.]] [[Close combat!]]

You pop a can of tuna in the can opener. Sekhmet - the lion-headed ancient Egyptian goddess of bloodshed - comes scrambling into the kitchen. You forget exactly how this relationship got started, but you really appreciate... [[...her sense of humour.]] [[...how much fire support she can provide.]]

"That's probably not going to help on the quest, though," says Sekhmet, guzzling tuna. "You might as well just go alone." [[Ah, nuts.|Go alone.]]

Working together, the two of you ignore the quest for the amulet and simply beat up everyone in the dungeon - even the ones who work for you! The day is saved. ''~END~''

You grab a discarded thong from near the gates to your dungeon and attempt to use it to hurl a rock at the ogre. Unfortunately it turns out that thongs make poor slings (and you assume vice versa). The ogre clobbers you. ''~END~''

Quick! You need a battle cry! [["For the King!"]] [["Smoke the Mother!"]]

"For the King!" is an example of a good battle cry. Maybe not for you - a tyrant who recognises no authority but your own - but in general. Unfortunately this means the ogre has heard it many times before. Completely undeterred, he stomps your face into jelly. ''~END~''

"Smoke the Mother!" you yell as you charge forth. "Wha...?" grunts the ogre, eyes crossed in confusion as you lop his head off with your twin battle axes. Critical hit! You gain skill points! [[Put them in Perform so you can do the Hammer Dance in celebration.]] [[Put them in Bureaucracy in the hopes it'll be useful later.]]

You do the Hammer Dance. It's super satisfying. [[Continue questing for the Amulet of Ma'ahewj.]]

This feels like a waste. [[Continue questing for the Amulet of Ma'ahewj.]]

You stumble across the corpses of two adventurers. It appears that each has stabbed the other. In between the two lies a significant-looking lamp. You pick it up and rub it. You know. Because that's a normal thing to do with a lamp. Suddenly a genie pops out! "My wish is your command!" announces the genie. [[Wish for the Amulet of Ma'ahewj.]] [[Wish for the best possible refund on your taxes every year.]] [[Make a wish that locks the game in an infinite time loop.]]

The genie is confused. "Who or what is Ma'ahewj?" Suddenly, the wizard from before teleports right in front of you. "Ma'ahewj nuts!" he yells. Egad! The wizard was behind this all along! If only you could have figured that out much earlier... [[Use your wish to defeat him.]] [[Rip the wizard's face off to get the Scooby-Doo ending.]]

"Do you pay taxes?" asks the genie. "Are you a cop?" you ask in return. "No," says the genie. "Then no," you reply. The genie thinks for a bit. "Wish granted, I guess!" Then he vanishes in a puff of logic. You suspect you may have given up your only chance to get hold of that amulet you need. ''~END~''

"Granted!" The genie smiles. "I'll just leave this with you." Popping another lamp down at your feet, the genie vanishes. [[Rub the new lamp.]]

"Sorry, no." The genie shakes his head sadly. "You wished for the Amulet of Ma'ahewj. But the real Amulet of Ma'ahewj was inside this gentleman's scrote all along. Wish granted, technically." He disappears in a purple haze of disappointment. "Nyeh-heh-heh!" cackles the wizard. You suppose you could still defeat him the old-fashioned way. [[Burke the bad guy.]] [[Trick him into travelling internationally and get him trapped in customs forever.]]

You firmly grasp the wizard's chin. "Let's see who you really are!" You give a decisive yank upwards. The genie barfs up a massive puddle of enchanted-looking vomit, then hastily vanishes in a puff of smoke. Turns out the real villain was a nightmarish screaming skull monster dripping with blood. You never would have guessed! ''~END~''

A new genie emerges. "Your wish is my command!" [[Make a wish that locks the game in an infinite time loop.]]

You smother the wizard to death with his own stupid pointy hat, leaving the body intact and suitable for dissection. Obviously you're not going to dissect it yourself - possibly nobody's going to dissect it at all - but the point is he has been thoroughly burked. You return to your dungeon in...not triumph, exactly. And your headache's a lot worse. You return to your dungeon. Let's leave it at that. ''~END~''

Did you put those skill points into Bureaucracy? [[Yep!]] [[...Nope.]]

You fill in a form declaring the wizard's testicles to be items of significant magical value, and have it notorised. He spends the rest of his days sitting with his crotch in an evidence tray in a small elvish airport. ''~END~''

The wizard identifies your crude plan and immediately transfigures you into a small dog. ''~END~''