Passing Through

You arrive at the station. The platform is hot and your sweat makes your skin feels sticky under your thin top. You briefly wonder if your sweat has made it see-through. You look up at the screen listing train arrival times. Yours is still a few minutes out. You feel awkward standing there and look at the other passengers on the platform. There are only a few, and they all seem to be getting on other trains. Their heads are lowered as though they want to be alone, so turn your head away. You briefly wonder why you didn't bring a book with you. You fumble with your clothes when you notice a [[set of instructions posted on a kiosk]].

The plastic protecting the list of instructions beneath is scuffed and old-looking. You read the list. 1. Each passenger must only enter their own train. Entering another's train will result in immediate removal. 2. This train does not make round trips. If you choose to exit the train before you have arrived at your destination, you will not be allowed to re-enter at any point. 3. When you see the conductor, please be courteous and provide your ticket immediately for their stamping. 4. Please be courteous to other passengers and refrain from talking on the phone or listening to music loudly while on the train. 5. Please refrain from bringing outside food or beverages on board with you. You look down at the bottle of water in your hand. You toss it away. Just as you do so, [[your train arrives]].

You're anxious when you notice that you are the only person boarding the train. You look around the station, hoping maybe a last-minute straggler will hop on with you, but the people in the station with you remain where they are, heads bowed. You step into a car near the end of the train. The seats look clean and comfortable. You take a seat to the right of the car, next to a window. With the dark brick on the other side, you can see your reflection in the window. You feel oddly like a stranger to yourself, as you stare into your own eyes. The train [[begins to rumble out of the station]].

As the train pulls out of the station, the bright light from the sun bores down at you, causing you to squint. Once your eyes adjust to the light, you find yourself looking at a beautiful, endless pasture. The grass is surprisingly lush and the scenery is dotted with groups of purple flowers. You don't remember the place where you entered the station, you realize. You wonder if it really could've been a place like this on the other side of the station. Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the train car door opening. You practically jump out of your seat, surprised to see anyone here with you. It's the conductor. Their thin body is held in perfect posture and their thin hair covers their eyes. You scramble to pull your ticket out of your bag, remembering the sign asking you to have your ticket ready. They come straight over to you and grab your ticket from your hand. You're not sure why, but you feel nervous. They stamp your ticket, the seal leaving a star-shaped hole in the paper. "Enjoy your trip," they say. You thank them. They continue their way down the train and you [[sit back and wait]].

The day is incredibly sunny with no hills to break the sun's rays from beating down on the train. You have a bit of a headache from squinting into the sun, but you can't help but enjoy the warmth on your face. The warmth fills the entire train car comfortably. A boy is by your side. He laughs at his own jokes and you laugh along with him, unselfconsciously. You laugh so hard you should be embarrassed, but instead you feel joy that starts deep in your heart and radiates to your entire body. He sits too close, but you realize that you do not mind, that you enjoy sharing his intense warmth. You talk about everything with him. Your favorite things to do, the music you like, what games you like to play. But most of all, you talk about your hopes for the future. The conversation feels like playing. He has so many hopes too. He's so full of joy, you can't help but bask in it. His smile is so wide, white, and bright. You [[enjoy his warmth]].

But the more you talk, the more you recognize it. He has a mean streak. You imagine him as the happy-go-lucky type. His joy seems impenetrable until you notice the cracks that you can't ignore. Like the way he makes fun of you when you don't agree with him. Under the disguise of a joke hides a real maliciousness when he feels things aren't going his way. Or how he complains about the heat on the train. How he blames the train conductor, the stupid ugly bastard he says. How he looks at you with spite when you explain that it's not their fault. But it doesn't take long for his mood to flip like a light switch. From the darkness, you suddenly find your eyes full of light. You can forget it all just as instantly, ready to pretend that nothing ever happened, that he has always been this happy, pretty boy. You just want to feel his warmth. Even if it's cold sometimes, you don't mind as long as his smile comes back. That's okay, isn't it? Over the speaker, a voice tells you that [[you are pulling into the station]].

This is his stop. You ask him to stay. Well, what's your stop? You shrug. You aren't sure, you realize. Then why not get off with me? he asks. You remember the rules at the station. After getting off, you will be unable to get back on ever again. You wonder if leaving the train is the best choice. If you get off now, you will never be allowed to see what waits ahead of you. Do you get off at the station with him? [[Yes|Yes]] or [[No|No]]?

You feel you are being confronted with something final for the first time in your life. Part of you is already mourning the loss of the life you could have if you stay on the train. The other part wants to stay with him and can't imagine a life where you won't get to spend your time with him anymore. Are you sure you want to get off with him? [[Yes|Yes true]] or [[No]]?

That same angry look is in his eyes again. It makes you feel horrible. He doesn't look back at you as he leaves the station. Your heart aches so much that you can't believe you're still able to breathe. You clutch at your chest in pain and rest your head in your lap. The train moves away from the station. The door to the car opens again. You look up, expecting to see the boy. It's the train conductor. They do not look at you through the curtain of hair over their face. You pull out your ticket. You realize that the star-shaped hole is gone. You feel a sense of disbelief but you don't think about it long. They grab the ticket from you and stamp it. A crescent moon mark is left this time. "Enjoy your trip," they say. The tone is the same as the last time you heard these words. You get the strange feeling that they aren't real. You [[rest your eyes for a bit]].

The light outside has turned to a soft twilight. The sun setting gives you the feeling that something important has come to an end, but you can't put your finger on it. But you feel the bittersweet sadness nonetheless. You fear you will always feel this way - this feeling of something falling out of your grasp but you don't know what it is so you can't hold it properly. A girl sits beside you. She's quiet at first, so you both sit in the silence. But eventually, the silence breaks. You enjoy the calm, leveled conversations between you two. They bring you a sense of peace. As you talk with her, you get the impression that she's been able to hold on to that very same thing you keep searching for but never locate. She has a quiet confidence. She seems assured. She seems capable. She knows what she wants. She knows she is going to get it. Since you can't grasp what you're missing, this hole in your soul that empties faster than you can fill it, you grasp onto her instead. You find yourself [[imitating her every move]].

Her passions. Her talent. Her work ethic. You try to mimic it. You imagine yourself becoming just a little bit more like her each day. The emptiness in you starts to feel as though it is filling up, even if only a bit. But the closer you get to her, the more you realize it. She's got this sadness that's hard to pick up on if you don't read between the lines. The more you try to be her shadow, the more you realize that the confidence you saw was only a mask. You start to question the things she says. Everything begins to feel like a giant play. You wonder what pain she is holding deep inside, but she refuses to show it to you, no matter how much of yourself you offer up. She's set your soul in motion, so there's a part of you that can't let her go. You want to wind her back up so she can continue marching ahead. For both your sakes. The voice over the speaker is heard again. [["We are now approaching the next station, please collect any personal effects before leaving the train".]]

She tells you that this is her stop. Your heart drops. You don't want to leave her, you want to stay by her side for both your sakes. You love her, you realize. You want to help mold her into the person she says she is. The person you know that she can be. But you aren't sure if leaving the train forever is the best choice for you. To fork off your future so completely and suddenly makes you anxious. Do you get off at the station with her? [[Yes|Yes Shady Girl]] or [[no|shaddy girl no]]?

When you look up at her from your seat, you see that fire in her eyes that drew you to her in the first place. "Hey," she said, "we promised to be there for each other, right?" You did. You want to lift her up. You don't want to be another disappointment in her life. But you also worry that you might find yourself living too much for her. To support her dreams while you just absorb the light she can give you. Are you sure you want to get off with her? [[Yes|Yes Shady Girl Tru]] or [[no|shaddy girl no]]

Her eyes fill with tears at your answer. Your heart drops to your stomach as you realize this is the most vulnerable she has ever been. She looks like she is about to ask you to reconsider, but stops to hold back sobs. She gets off the train as the doors open. She stands outside the train tracks and watches you move away from her. You put your head down and refuse to look at her. [[You feel ashamed]].

Only moments after leaving the station, the conductor comes into the car. Their still posture again gives you the impression that they are not really human. Their hair looks surprisingly soft, still swinging in front of their face. You want to reach out and brush it away. You're not very surprised to see that the crescent moon stamp has disappeared from your ticket. You hand it over to them. The shape stamped into the paper this time is a triangle. You're not very impressed by this. A bit basic, you think. You try to ignore your shame as you [[watch the scenery pass by out the window]].

It's hot. Way too hot. Your brain feels as though it is baking in your skull. It aches. It feels so stuffy in the train car that you don't even move, the air feeling too thick and heavy to push through. Even outside, the grass is dead and yellow. You close your eyes, ignoring the expired landscape, the ache in your head, and the heat that bores down on your skin. You think if you stay still long enough, this discomfort will pass. You make yourself small. A girl is beside you. But before that, you notice the smell. Something sweet in a sickly way. Not outright disgusting, but hinting at something rotten. The girl is not beautiful. She's downright dirty. Her lack of hygiene at first disgusts you, but as the only two people in the car, [[you form a bond of proximity anyway]].

She's incredibly loud and crass. She doesn't hold in anything, no sounds her body makes, no thoughts, no words remain in her body unexpressed. Her abrasive, ugly nature is a kind of shield, you realize. She is letting you know that she doesn't care what you think about her, that it doesn't matter to her. It allows you to drop your guard. You don't care about the heat in the car as much when she's around. Your headache fades as you laugh at disgusting jokes together. You both revel in the feeling of just letting your body exist, the disgusting shell it is. She gets you through the unbearable hot days. And the days pass quickly. When her stop comes up, she asks you to come with her. She says it with such a nonchalance that you wonder if she even cares. Do you want to get off with her? [[Yes|Yes Stinky Girl]] or [[no|Stinky girl no]]?

You think about the person you always imagined you would be. You think about how your parents raised you. To be self-conscious. To set standards for yourself. To strive for more. But you enjoy the way life just flows around her. You enjoy the feeling of just letting it all go, to have nothing to dream for, no cares for others' opinon of you. Do you really want to get off with her? [[Yes|Yes Stinky Girl True]] or [[no|Stinky girl no]]?

She's angry, you're surprised to see. "Well, whatever then," she says, declining to make eye contact. You tell her you'll miss her, but this isn't your stop. She doesn't respond. She gets off at the station and leaves without a glance back. This time, you just feel alone. You want to laugh again, but nothing is funny. The loneliness creeps into your chest and forms a cavity that aches. The [[train pulls out of the station]].

When the conductor opens the door, you don't even look in their direction. You feel a bit angry. You hand them the ticket without looking up. "Hey, how long until my stop?," you ask them. They grab your ticket and stamp it. When it's returned to you, you see a cloud-shaped stamp where the triangle once was. "Sorry, but that's not up to me," say the train conductor. "You are free to get off at any stop you please". Their answer gives you no comfort. "I hope you at least enjoy the trip along the way", they say in response to your silence. Out the window, you [[notice clouds are beginning to form in the sky]].

You've been alone for a very long time now. The harsh sun is gone, but instead, there is a steady, underwhelming rain. After the heat of the sun, the rain felt very welcome. But after a while, it's begun to weigh on your spirit. You wonder if you made a terrible choice. No one comes to your side. Not for a very long time. Are you going to be alone forever? The space between the next stop and the last seems horribly long. You try to find out how close you are, but the conductor is nowhere to be seen. [[The train car becomes an impartial prision.]]

But you aren't alone forever. Eventually, a person is there by your side. They are uproariously funny. You feel like you got back the joy you left behind at the last station. From the very outset, their humor has brought you immense joy. Every day feels like play. You laugh so much your sides hurt. A compendium of inside jokes grows between the two of you. The drizzly scenery no longer weighs you down. But your sense of dread, of a fear of being alone forever, does not fade. But the cavity in your chest, the one that loneliness carved, [[does not fade away]].

You love to laugh with them. You love the growing universe of inside jokes between you. But after a while, you begin to grow weary. You realize they never take anything seriously. Not the future, not your feelings, not the relationship between you two. It's so easy to get caught up in the jokes, the laughter, the banter between you two. To let that numb the feelings in your chest. But you fear they will never be able to say things from the heart. You think sometimes things have to hurt, have to cut us open and leave us exposed to another person, otherwise we can never really know one another. But it's futile. Your feelings are treated as just another joke. Overall, you are happy, but there is still an uncurrent of unease. Their station comes up before you ever get a chance to really express yourself to them. "So are you getting off with me, then?" they say, flippant as ever. Do you get off with them? [[Yes|Yes Lonely]] or [[no|Lonely no]]?

You remember your time on the train before they arrived. You remember the feeling of claustorphobia feeling so totally alone gave you. You fear that if you stay on the train now, you may be alone forever. And it's not as though they are the worst person you have ever met. Life around them is fun. You laugh so much together. They are always ready for a good time and the energy invigorates you. Do you still want to get off with them? [[Yes|Yes Lonely True]] or [[no|Lonely no]]?

As you pull out of the station, you realize you feel the same, really. You notice the sun is starting to set. The conductor comes by a few minutes after leaving the station, as consistent as ever. You wonder how the hair in their eyes doesn't drive them insane. You feel a bit frustrated just looking at it. You pull out your ticket and hand it over, the rain stamp once again gone from the paper. In its place, the stamp of a heart. You think that's pretty curious. [[You watch the sun set over the landscape as you ponder what this must mean]].

The night is cold and uncomfortable, but more than anything, it's empty. Sometimes this sublime emptiness you see when you look outside the window fills you with a sense of potential. Anything could be out there, the future that unfolds as the daylight creeps back is a mystery you want to unfurl. But mostly, it fills you with dread. You miss the days when you could look outside and watch the landscape pass you by. He's there by your side. He's like a little boy in the body of a grown man. He seems so completely naive to the world, facing any difficulties in his path with a heartbreakingly boyish smile and an unbreakable belief that things will work out in the end. His faith in the world begins to rub off on you. [[You want to protect him]].

Every journey eventually comes to an end. Thank you for being here. To start again from the station, [[please click here|You Arrive at the Station]]. Don't want to start from the beginning? You can use the back arrows on the top left of the screen to go back a few passages and go from there.

And he lets you fill the role of protector without complaint. His incredible tenderness is what draws you in over and over again. You don't want his smile to be stolen by the world. His positivity convinces you just a little bit that the world is a safe space. That people are basically good and that things will unfurl themselves in the end. He makes the black outside seem less insurmountable. The train begins to slow and you realize a heartbreaking reality. This is his stop. It's always someone's stop. He looks at you with the expectation that you will get off with him. You're surprised when his expectant face fills you with anger. But the anger melts when you look into his eyes and realize that all he has is faith in you. Do you get off at the stop with him? [[Yes|Yes Boyish]] or [[no|Boyish no]]?

You can't imagine facing the dark outside without him by you as a constant source of light. But the other part of you knows that there's something in you, some sort of mysterious trepidation, that he could never understand. That you will have to hold on your own for the rest of your life if you get off with him now. His smile is so carefree and unselfconscious. Are you sure you want to get off with him? [[Yes|Yes Boyish True]] or [[no||Boyish no]]? No words pass between you as you get off the train.

You keep your head down. It's all you can do to stop the guilt from making you change your mind. The train stops and the doors open. They close again and the train moves on. You keep your head down until you have left the station. You feel horrible. A desire to see him one more time, to find out if he hates you, controls your thoughts. While you try to process your thoughts and tuck the bad ones away, the train conductor comes through the doors on their usual rounds. Your heart races as you look to find your ticket and realize it's not where you left it. You start to look frantically when it falls out of you pocket. You hold it up for the conductor to stamp. The stamp this time is a crown. You look out the window to watch the scenery go by, [[but it's still dark out]].

You feel dread. The night feels far too long. Has night ever been this long?! The seemingly empty space outside somehow fills you with claustrophobia. But, the sun rises eventually. And with the dawn, you feel as though you have stepped into a new reality. You feel good. Nothing exciting happens, but the drum of your routine gives you a sense of achievement. And he's the same way. So, [[you form a bond]].

The low, consistent hum of your days. The collaborative cycle of just existing next to each other. Tending to your bodies, your lives, side by side. It feels healthy. It feels good. With him by your side, the mundane feels precious. Your life becomes a coordinated dance with him as your partner. And the consistency feels good. But sometimes, you want more. Life is more than just existing, you think. You want to feel something. Something like desire or fear. The feeling that you could lose something or that it might never be yours. Something to strive towards to give your days meaning. But he's too centered for that. Too in his head instead of his heart or his gut. And it's a feeling that's easy to ignore if you don't let it fester in your mind for too long. Eventually, the train pulls into the station. "Looks like it's time to head out," he says, and holds out his hand. He doesn't question whether or not you will come with him. After all, you have formed your lives around each other, slowly but surely. Do you get off with him? [[Yes|Yes Stable]] or [[no|Stable no]]?

You remember that you aren't getting any younger. You remember the harsh, long night. You consider the rest of your life, performed in a low hum until something dramatic happens that forces you apart from him. You consider settling. It feels like settling, but is comfort such a bad thing? Are you sure you want to get off with him? [[Yes|Yes Stable True]] or [[no|Stable no]]?

I think I'll stay here, you say. His face changes a little, almost imperceptibly. He drops his hands and gets off the train. You wish so much that he said something. Anything at all. Just some hint that there was an ounce of tenderness in his body. But he was always one to stick to the most logical formula, and your refusal to leave caused him to cut you out of the equation with no difficulty. You feel weird. You can't tell if you dodged a bullet or made the worst choice of your life. While you ponder this with an uneasy feeling in your stomach, the train conductor enters. You hand them your ticket, and it comes back with a stamp of a flower cut out of it. "Enjoy your trip", they say. You realize you stopped responding to them a while ago. Started treating them like another inanimate feature of the train. You [[feel a bit bad about that]].

The train is rattling a bit more these days. Sometimes the jerking of the old wheels on the tracks is strong enough to keep you awake. You feel anxious as you begin to feel it's age. When you meet her, you fall for her careful and considerate nature. She's younger than you, but despite that you find her perspective magnifying. She speaks so clearly and eloquently from the core. And her heart is a clear pool, able to take in whatever is around it and wash it clean. Talking to her is like drinking a cup of cold water during a long night. You [[fall quickly and easily]].

But you discover she has an indecisive nature. She refuses to take a viewpoint on anything. She can see every side of any story. Her ability to justify anything can become irritating quickly. It's impossible to say anything or be anything with certainty without making choices. Her passivity and tendency to take things for what they are without questioning make her feel like an empty vessel at times. But still, her perspective is always refreshing in the right doses. When the train pulls up to the station, she asks you if you want to go with her. You realize she's one of the few people that actually gives you the space to make a clear choice. "If you want, you can get off with me," she says. She smiles and says nothing else to sway your decision. Do you get off with her? [[Yes|Yes Pools]] or [[no|Pools no]]?

You consider your conversations with her. How they flow so easily and always bring you somewhere new from where you started. But her inability to make choices makes you nervous. After all, you are much older than her. Your days of waiting it out to see what your options are are running dry. Are you sure you want to go with her? [[Yes|Yes Pools True]] or [[no|Pools no]]?

She nods. "That's okay", she says. You give her a soft smile. She steps off the train, and waves to you as it pulls out of the station. And you miss her terribly. So much of her will stay with you for the rest of your life, you realize. You realize that no matter what, the wound you feel right now will soon turn into a scar. The train conductor comes through. They stamp your ticket, as usual. Nothing but a boring circle, this time. When they speak to you this time, you remember to thank them. You [[lean back to enjoy the ride]].

But it's getting harder to enjoy. The train still shakes on the tracks, always getting worse. And it starts to get cold. So cold it becomes impossible to handle. You can't keep your thoughts straight or stop your hands from shaking. It becomes hard to feel anything at all besides the cold. You can't remember what it felt like to be warm. You realize, for the first time in your life, that you will die one day. And you realize that you might die soon. You feel totally, completely alone as the train jerks you in its apathetic violence. You feel as though you are quickly speeding towards a game over and you played the game wrong the whole time. You try not to give in, but [[you're afraid]].

To your surprise, the train conductor is by your side. They speak to you even when you feel too cold to respond. You look them in the eye for the first time and see something comfortingly familiar. And they don't leave your side for a long time. Their presence is the only warmth you feel for a time. There's peace with being with them that only comes from being next to someone who has lived the same kind of life as you. Had the same experiences shape their days. You realize that you have spent so much of your life on the train here, with them. This fills your heart with determination to live on. Eventually, [[the car starts to feel warm again]].

It's a feeling you never thought you would feel again. And you're grateful like you have never felt before in your life. For hours, you just close your eyes and enjoy the feeling of warm blood running through you. You are thankful for your body in ways you had never paid attention to before. The relationship between you two is simple and matter-of-fact. It feels nice. But one day, they let you know their time working on the train is coming to an end. You're surprised. You hadn't realized that this was possible, that the train could go on without them. They ask you the dreaded question. "Will you get off with me?" [[Yes|Yes Train]] or [[no|Pools Train]]?

What will be left of the train if the conductor leaves? To get off with them seems almost unquestionable. But you can't help but wonder what's left for you on the train. Is this really your stop? Or have you just convinced yourself that you are out of options? Are you sure you want to get off with them? [[Yes|Yes Train True]] or [[no|Pools Train]]

They seem disappointed, but they try not to let you see it. They cover their eyes with their hair. That old habit. You thank them for everything. From the bottom of your heart. But you explain that your place is here on the train. They nod. "Enjoy your trip", they say, the same refrain as always, as they walk out the doors. The train pulls out of the station, leaving them behind forever. [[No one comes through to stamp your ticket]].

The silence is intense. You feel you made the wrong choice. You're afraid of what could possibly happen next. You wonder if you are going to be alone forever. And the train car is stuffy. There's a must that hangs in the air that won't dissipate. Your breaths feel shallow. You spend almost all your time in silence, watching the scenery outside pass by. At one point, these moments spent watching the world pass by filled you with a feeling of belonging to something greater, but these days you feel as though you are no longer a part of it. You resign to be alone. This is why you surprise yourself when you [[find yourself falling for her]].

She revives that dimming light in you. Gives a sense of warmth to your days. More than anything, she reminds you of the beauty in the every day. The simple things that make life worth living, its intrinsic beauty, separate from the roads we choose to travel. You are complete opposites, but two sides of the same coin. Who you are and who she is align beautifully, even if your perspectives conflict. And she becomes like a partner to you, though it is never romantic. Your relationship feels transactional at times, and completely void of passion. But, you realize, you are old now. Maybe there is no more passion to be had. Maybe, these days, what you need more than anything is support. You weigh your options as the train unfailingly [[pulls up to her stop]].

"Hey, I think you should come with me," she tells you. "But it's your choice." You didn't want a choice. You wanted her to beg. For her to need you to come with her. But you consider your relationship. Your ability to stay by the other's side and offer perspective, care, and support as needed. You wonder if this is your last chance. Do you get off with her? [[Yes|Yes Ny]] or [[no|No Ny]]?

After all, you can't really imagine there is anything left for you here on the train. You'd be lucky if anyone else even passes through. But this factuality behind the matter makes you sad. You remember all the passion you held during your life. You want a little bit more. You worry she could never give this to you. Are you sure you want to get off the train? [[Yes|Yes Ny True]] or [[no|No Ny]]?

She gives you a hug as she leaves. She feels as warm and strong as ever. You realize you'll miss the feeling of her arms around you. But you've done this before, a million times it feels like. You settle back in and wait to see what's to come, a vague anxiety in your chest. The train conductor does not come through, of course. You wonder why no one has bothered to replace them. You [[lean back and continue to watch the world pass by without you]].

You realize the train is moving a lot slower these days. It rickets back and forth on the tracks with more brutality than before. The wheels seem to be aching on the tracks. You wonder if there is anyone who will come to repair the train. And your body doesn't feel much better. Some days, it feels as though you spend the entire time just managing your pain. You try to breathe through it, imagine it is all in your head. You watch hours pass by. You begin to count them down. But you still find the same joy in watching the world pass by outside, even if your body now feels separate from it. You don't really long to be a part of it like you used to. Instead, a gentle appreciation for the world takes its place. And [[that's where he finds you]].

It takes a while for you to even notice him. You first notice his warm presence, the feeling of another body simply resting next to yours. He has the softest face, wrinkled from its years of use but with the shadows of the man he used to be still engraved into it. To just coexist with him feels wonderful. It doesn't take away your pain, but it gives you someone to share the burden of your failing body with. The pain, the discomfort, the disgust. The anxiety. The joy. Your memories feel like they are brand new when you tell him the stories. And you and him have a gentle love. A quiet sort of passion. It takes a while, but the train eventually [[pulls up to his stop]].

You wonder if this could be it. Between you two, there is a tacit understanding that to get off at this stop with him would be committing to spending your last days at his side. That he may die before you. There is always the chance that by going with him, you are just looking for somewhere warm to curl up and let life slip away. Do you want to get off with him? [[Yes|Yes Old]] or [[no|No Old]]?

You're very scared, you realize. That without him, you will once again have nothing to tether you to this world. To distract you from the pain. But you worry you will be a burden to him. Like a house pet on hospice where you can't decide if it's time to let go or not. You don't want to be a burden to anyone, especially not him. Are you sure you want to get off with him? [[Yes|Yes Old True]] or [[no|No Old]]?

He leaves with tears in his eyes. You wonder why you are so inclined to be alone. You feel like a cat, looking for somewhere to curl up and die where no one will find you. The train pulls away from the station. No one comes through to check your ticket. It doesn't matter anymore, you suppose. You [[try not to focus too much on your body as the train leaves the station]].

You were never one to be afraid, but these days, you find yourself full of a vague, unplaceable anxiety. The scenery outside becomes more and more unfamiliar. You no longer have any idea of where the train is heading, or if there is anyone at the front, navigating it through the countryside. Your life has been one long journey with no destination. Should there have been a destination? You wonder if sitting back and watching the scenery go by was really the best choice. But more than regret for the way you have lived your life, you are full of apprehension for the future. A future where you can no longer watch the scenery go by outside the train car window. A future without you, without the train. [[Your days are full of dread]].

It's in this state that she finds you. She's not yet at the end of her life. She has some strength left in her, and she selflessly agrees to lend it to you. And she seems to understand what you are going through. At least, the best someone can who has never been in the same position. She lets you speak for hours, rehearsing your memories as though just repeating them will ensure their place on the face of the earth for the rest of eternity. You want it to matter. And she makes it feel like it matters. Your life, your love. She is like your scribe. The only one in the whole world who knows your story, from start to finish. And telling someone all of you - every happiness, every dread - makes it feel as though it really did matter, in some small way. Even if you never got to where you were heading. She holds you as the train once again, and for the final time, turns chilly. You accept her embrace. [[The End]].

PASSING THROUGH [[START|You Arrive at the Station]] [[INSTRUCTIONS]] [[CONTENT WARNINGS]] [[CREDITS]]

You can select the blue text to continue the story. Note that you will often be given multiple options of how to continue. The arrows on the left-hand side can be used to go back and forth between passages. [[Back|Start]]

Content warnings for death, illness and implied depression. If you struggle with depression, are feeling heartbroken, or are otherwise not feeling up for something with a melancholy story, please practice self-care and take a break from this content. [[Back|Start]]

Written by Amanda Schroeder Cover art is from Unsplash by Andrew Charney, and has been manipulated by Amanda Schroeder [[Back|Start]]

He takes you to his home, which is now your home, too. Together, you live a simple life. Just as before, you and him discuss your dreams and your hopes for the future. These conversations fill you with so much excitement for the days to come, but you soon realize these plans you've made are just ideas with no action. He remains a dreamer, unable to take things seriously. But you have fun together. Sometimes, the fun is broken up by his bouts of anger, but you come to realize that these are the result of the frustration he feels at his ideas never taking root in reality. But, as always, he turns back into that sunny, happy boy he was when you first met on the train. Your life is simple, imperfect, and at times disappointing, but you learn to love the rhythm of your days with him by your side. No matter how underwhelmed, frustrated, or depressed you feel, he is always there. [[The End]].

You get off with her at the station. In your heart, you hold the determination that you can mold both of you into the people you believe you can be. You understand that this won't be easy, but you want to hold onto the feelings she created in you regardless. And it's not easy. You realize that she works incredibly hard, but never at the right things. She fails again and again because she refuses put her energy into the most beautiful parts of herself. Each time she fails, she breaks more and more. And you continue to pick her up. Sometimes it's exhausting, and sometimes you need someone to pick you up too, but you stay by her side anyway. You often worry that one day she may take you down with her. Sometimes, it feels as though you are diluting yourself, giving too much of yourself to her. But you remember the promise you made, your faith that together, you can become something. And this pushes you forward. You refuse to give up faith that one day, your dreams will be real and that what you create in this life actually matters. It's enough. [[The End]].

You get off at the station with her. You want to keep living in her simple world. You want that simple life where you don't have to care about anything. That hedonist cycle that might eventually destroy you, or might eventually be just fine. The life you live with her is by every definition simple. She always follows her own instincts. If something doesn't feel good, doesn't please her, she won't do it. But two people can't live this way, can't support one another. So you fill in the gaps. You work hard and push yourself so that you can live for both of you. You struggle. And when you get home, sometimes you resent her. But usually, you enjoy letting it all go with her. Lounging with her, hearing about what was on TV or who she met for lunch, or who pissed her off at the grocery store. You laugh with her, this whole experience of life suddenly seeming far less serious. You don't mind this. [[The End]].

You get off with them. And things are good, for a while. Your life feels like a constant adventure. Constant laughs, constant new sights, constant new people. Your social net is massive and you are basically never alone. You love the excitement of it all, the pleasure. But after a while, you become completely overstimulated. You begin to crave the feeling of being alone. You want something to have that is yours and only yours. When you tell them this, they laugh at you. Tell you to get out of your feelings. Tell you that if they don't like this life then you should leave. That feeling of emptiness returns. But you find you can fill it just fine with the busy social calendar, packing for the trip next week, watching funny shows while you eat dinner together. The emptiness, you begin to realize, only really shows its head if you give it the chance to do so. So, you become an expert at silencing it. And everything feels okay. [[The End]].

You build a home for you two, a safe shelter where the world seems less harsh. You enjoy this sweet life you have built, but you often feel as though you are missing a real partner. Someone ready to share your burdens with you, who won't break under the pressure or insist that your problems aren't what you believe they are. He's never understood your often anxious disposition. In his eyes, the world is good, money will come, and people will almost always like you. Any other way is completely strange to him. You stifle yourself. Suppress these turbulent emotions so that they don't ruin the ostensible peace. And usually, you find you don't mind this. [[The End]].

Of course you do. You grab his hand dutifully. You feel completely ready to jump into the clean, orderly life you both crave. And that's how it is. You spend the rest of your days with him by your side, tending to your lives carefully like a garden. Eventually, your gardens get old, start to wilt, and fewer and fewer crops can be harvested. But you continue your work anyway, until the end. You and him. [[The End]].

You get off the station with her. You start to build a life. Sometimes, the gaps between you seem massive. The gaps in age, the gaps in point of view. But you two always find a way to come back together again. And she makes you a better person, you think. Softer, more willing to accept what you need to and let go of the rest. You love her for the rest of your life. [[The End]].

They've been with you for so long and through so much. You can't imagine how the train will go on without them. So, you get off with them. Your time together with them is short but precious. The small life you build with them is careful and soft. The moments with them are simple, but you treasure every single one. They live in your heart for as long as you live, and you feel truely known. [[The End]].

You get off the train with her. And you live each day together in a soft harmony. The household chores, the errands, and the social occasions are all split evenly between you two, like two halves of a clementine shared between friends. The rumble of your day-to-day life fills you with a gentle satisfaction. You know you will always have her back and she will always have yours. And it's peaceful here, until the end. [[The End]].

You link your arms with his and exit the train, allowing him to support your weight. You spend your final days by his side. You feel warm, even through the pain and uncertainty. You feel grateful that he has been able to offer you so much peace. In your heart, you feel a deep understanding of the gravity of your relationship with him. You only wish you could've been with him longer. [[The End]].