wasting time

love is sacrilege, remains of the gods. but you know that's not true, though you brandish shield after shield to keep yourself down. there's security in numbers but ether never took off. [[did you know what happened to the forcefield?|forcefield]] [[i didn't know you were strong enough for this.|strongenough]]

nothing that it protected was worth saving, anyway. except the hearts, but we ate them all. we're still eating. if blood is mother then we thrive on pain. i thought i stole a different piece of the puzzle here. i ran it back into the safehouse instead of completing the picture. it was safer there than the hearts, that's for sure. but i took that to mean that i kept myself safe. [[foolish]] [[insecure]]

and that's funny, because i'm not. i could ask what's missing from the wonders of the world but i already know. cassandra on her deathbed stared eyelids into the ceiling. [[we crowned her king and birthed her rites.|king]] [[she died in rags, burnt to ash.|rags]]

it's painted on my leg, but insanity doesn't seem to be what i made of it. i can wave my hands but in the end i'm just small. i'm just the most important person holding the most important thing. i'm ravenous, i eat the hearts too. i overdose on throbs and aches. [[it's time to stop.|stop]] [[i'm carving myself a deeper hole.|carve]]

jittering ran us all ragged as if we thought we were really gonna make it. do you know what they tell girls nowadays? i stamped my leg for years and didn't lose anything. if i am worthy of love, i'd write it in smoke on my wall. [[i'd burn this place down if i could.|burn]] [[the damages would be too much.|damages]]

stability is worthless in the end, but in the meantime. maybe it's actually all we have. i could've taken the shot, you know. i would've stabbed myself through you. [[again|start]]

and the bugs are my stronghold, splaying legs to clamber down. there's nectar under here, i swear it. i swear i will end myself when i find it. so i won't stop looking. [[again|start]]

i probably already have, that's the truth of it. i couldn't have stayed fully formed for this long. like a meteorite, i choose to drop pieces of myself. though i know where they land. it didn't even matter that i tore all the walls down. [[again|start]]

all the worry in the world never saved me. but it also never saved anyone else. i held a strand of someone's life once, like a ghost i ran it through my fingers. like a murderer i dropped it off at home. [[again|start]]

that was her downfall, really. no one in power is believed. she held control over nothing but everyone told her she won. master manipulator with the will of giants. [[i screamed her name last night.|name]] [[she waited in silence for someone else.|someoneelse]]

a better burial than i would have given her. her hands didn't even twitch but i cried for them all the same. i thought of another name, too late. [[it never mattered anyway.|mattered]] [[it's the weakness that brings you down.|weakness]]

i thought if she heard me she would save me. folly of them all. i crawled into a corpse and ran my hands over her ribs. it felt like learning a new language. and she did hear me. [[again|start]]

as if that's what we're doing all the time. i rather thought she made the wrong choice. but then i always doubted her and she was always wrong. history doesn't like that ending. [[again|start]]

it was always going to be like this. i wandered a thousand mazes and i never tried to find my way out. someone always did it for me. and did i ever ask? [[again|start]]

fallen to your knees, like so many small children. it was heart wrenching the way a crown is stolen. the way a throat is grabbed. you never had time for fun anyway. [[again|start]]