<h4><b>Thursday, April 29th</b></h4>
You wake up feeling groggy and have to force yourself out of bed. Body feeling stiff, you make your way to the bathroom to get ready for work.
While you're brushing your teeth, you make eye contact with your sleepy face in the mirror. The face in the mirror stares ambivalently back.
The first correhent thought you have is to check your phone. Not for any emails or texts, but to see what <i>she's</i> been doing. You know you shouldn't.
(link: "You try to ignore your phone.")[(show: ?1)] |1)[Except you suddenly start to feel that <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itch</i></span></tw-hook>. That scratch at the back of your head that slowly gets more and more intense until it feels like your whole brain is turning to static. Do you give in and check your phone?
[[Yes|Check Phone]] or [[No|Ignore Checking Phone]]?]
<h4><b>Thursday, April 29th</b></h4>
You go to Instagram. Your pounding heart settles part in disappointment and part in relief when her story doesn't pop up among the recently updated ones that adorn the top of the app. You feel better, but there's still a little<tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i> itch</i></tw-hook> in the back of your mind. You think that maybe one of her friends might've tagged her in a post, so you go to her account.
2,786 followers, which is two more than yesteday. You wonder who they are, how they found her. You already have her feed memorized. You could imagine it perfectly in your minds eye if you had to. A picture of her dog, a picture of her with a friend at a picnic in the park, a picture of her boyfriend and her on vacation in Zion. You click to her tagged posts feed and don't see anything new. You scroll aimlessly through the familiar content anyway.
After a moment, you realize you're going to be late. You shut off your phone, grab your car keys and [[go to work]].<h4><b>Thursday, April 29th</b> </h4>
You quietly continue your routine, the motions of which you do without thinking. You're determined to ignore the invasive thoughts that you know will plague you all day if you give in.
You get dressed in your usual outfit and start making yourself breakfast.
While you're waiting for your eggs to cook, you start to feel incredibly nauseous. Anxiety washes over you. Tears pool in your eyes and threaten to fall over. Your foot thumps irritatedly on the linoleum.
As though on autopilot, [[you give in and check your phone.|Check Phone]]<h4><b>Thursday, April 29th</b> </h4>
You get to work a bit later than usual, but still clock in right at 9am. You realize, with a hit of adrenaline, that there's a chance she hasn't clocked in yet. If you just wait a few minutes in the breakroom, you might get a chance to see her.
You walk over to the coffee machine and spend more time than necessary cleaning your cup, filling it with coffee, and stirring in the cream and sugar.
The whole time, your head continues to<tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"> <i>itch</i></tw-hook>.
After a moment of listless coffee stirring, you hear two woman come in to the break room chatting. <i>It's her</i>, you realize. You keep you head down but tune your ears to their conversation as best you can.
To your agitation, the woman with her is filling most of the conversation. She is only nodding and giving sounds of approval. Both quickly clock in and leave.
You head to your desk, a bit underwhelmed but still happy to have made some contact.
The rest of your day goes by normally, [[ and you head home at 6pm as usual.|Night at home]]<h4><b>Thursday, April 29th</b> </h4>
At home, you make a simple dinner and spend the evening watching shows, like you usually do. You sucessfully numb yourself out while you stare mindlessly at the TV. Around 10:30, you take a shower and are in bed by 11pm. You close your eyes, but suddenly something begins to bother you.
You get that <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itch</i></tw-hook>, like you always do when your head isn't being distracted by other things.
You toss between [[ ignoring the itch and going to sleep|Poor Nights Sleep]], or [[giving in and checking your phone. |Good Nights Sleep]]<h4><b>Thursday, April 29th</b> </h4>
You don't want to spend hours scrolling through her social media again. You beg your body to drift off. You feel exhausted and long for a good night's rest.
Except you don't fall asleep.
The <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itch</i></tw-hook> continues to grow, your brain feeling like static and your senses overstimulated. You spend the majority of the night writhing in discomfort, wondering if she posted her dinner or if she went to the gym today. The fact that you don't know and you didn't even bother to check bothers you. You count the hours you have to check her story before it expires.
Eventually, after a night of restless sleep, you [[get up and go to work]].<h4><b>Thursday, April 29th</b> </h4>
You check your phone. Zero notifications. You unlock the screen and open the Instagram app.
Your heart skips a beat when you realize she's posted something to her story. You click the little circle and immediately hold your thumb down on the image to pause it before you even see what it is. You want to savor every moment.
It's her dinner. It seems she's gone out with a friend. She's eating a thin crust pizza, the kind they make at fancy Italian places. You can see the hands of the person she's with at the top left-hand corner of the picture. You check carefully to see if you recognize this person, but you come up blank.
On the right, you can see what appears to be a cocktail of some kind. You sigh enviously, imagining how it must feel to be the mysterious person that gets to dine with her.
You're disappointed to see that there are no other stories lined up on her account. Not quite satisfied, you resort to rechecking her LinkedIn account. You've basically memorized her various positions and the time she held them by this point, but it still brings you comfort to review.
After scrolling for a bit, you fall asleep soundly, imaging a life where you grab dinner and drinks after work with her.
Eventually, after a night of restful sleep, you [[get up and go to work]].<h4><b>Friday, April 30th</b> </h4>
You take your time getting into work so that you get in around 9am again. You perform the same routine of slowly filling up your coffee in the breakroom. You're almost giddy with satisfaction when you see her walk in, again with the same friend.
But today, she is the one talking.
You love the sound of her voice.
And you hang on to every word she says. She's discussing her commute, and how the bus lines have moved recently.
[[You memorize the line she mentions. ]]
<h4><b>Friday, April 30th</b> </h4>
You hold the name of the bus line in your mind as though it were a key to a precious treasure. Roll it around in your head, feel it out.
When she leaves the break room, you return to your desk. You pull up the map app on your computer and search for the bus route.
Your heart literally skips a beat. Your hand even moves to grab your chest.
Her bus line goes directly along the street outside your apartment.
Your blood rushes through your body with elation at this new information. You feel a bit odd, like you now have too much power. She feels closer than ever.
[[You try to return to your work, ignoring the excitement bubbling up in you.]]<h4><b>Friday, April 30th</b> </h4>
But you can't really focus on your work. Of course not.
Your brain mulls over what you are going to do next.
Should you even do anything? You feel exhilarated at the thought of seizing the chance to talk to her, but you also feel so incredibly nervous.
After all, she must live <i>close</i>. You could see her at the store one day, or just out and about while you're going for a walk.
Your heart is pounding at the thought of it. You find it hard to focus for the rest of the day, but time passes anyway and around 5 o'clock you [[head home for the weekend]].<h4><b>Friday, April 30th</b> </h4>
You try to relax and watch a movie at home, but you can't help but check her story every 30 minutes or so. If you don't, the anxiety becomes so intense that you feel your heartbeat in your ears. You watch the same story of her eating dinner with a friend endlessly until it expires at 7:42pm.
You consider your weekend plans. You usually spend your Saturdays running errands.
Considering you've never seen her before, you must not shop at the same places. Should you [[change your usual route]] tomorrow or [[stick to your usual stores]]?<h4><b>Saturday, May 1st</b></h4>
You tell yourself you're just changing up your usual errand spots to mix things up. If you see her, it'll just be a happy coincidence. Something just casually meant to be.
You imagine that this would be the kind of coincidence that friendships form out of.
You need gas, so you head to a gas station on the other side of your neighborhood. For breakfast, you head to a cafe that has overly bitter coffee and park yourself there for awhile, reading a book and nursing your cappuccino for as long as you can.
Every once in awhile, you casually open your Instagram. You close it disappointedly when you see there's no updates from her.
You rehearse some facts:
She's one year older than you, almost exactly. Her birthday is 11 days before yours.
She works in the merchandising department for your ecommerce company, but you know her real dream is to be an illustration. Her drawings insprire you.
Everyone around her seems to love her. She has friends at the office. She has friends outside of the office.
She likes to read and cook.
She plays tennis on the weekends and she's good at it.
Her eyes are a greenish hazel and her hair is light brown.
You wish you were beautiful like her.
After a couple hours, you feel you have overstayed your welcome. You leave for the grocery store, which is nearly empty. You end up [[going home feeling disappointed]].<h4><b>Saturday, May 1st</b></h4>
The weather Saturday morning feels amazing, the sun bringing the world to life around you.
You decide to stick to your usual stores.
You get gas at the same station you always do. Go to your usual coffee shop to get breakfast. You sit there for awhile, pretending to read a book. You watch every face that comes in, hoping it might be her.
But all you feel is anxiety. That <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itch</i></tw-hook> that makes you feel like something is going horribly, horribly wrong.
You get so frusturated with trying to focus that you leave the coffee shop and head to the grocery store. On your way out of the store, you decide that it might be nice to take a walk through the neighborhood.
You can't help but peer into every window. You look for signs, like names on doors or faces in windows, hoping something will clue you in to where she lives.
But the longer you scour the neighborhoods, the harder it is to convince yourself that this is just an innocent walk.
You feel like crying as you head back to your car and [[drive home]].<h4><b>Saturday, May 1st</b></h4>
You feel horribly alone as you unpack your grocieries. Your apartment feels as empty as ever. You try to look ahead to find something to look forward to, but nothing comes to mind. You realize, with a sinking feeling, that you will be living the same day, over and over again, for a long time.
And you can't stand the feeling. You want to feel loved. Like there's something to look forward to on the weekends. You want to feel like people care when you walk into a room. You want to feel important at work and have places to go after it.
You want to be maybe, just a little bit, like her. For her, everything seems to be falling into the correct order. <i>She</i> has talent. <i>She</i> has people who care for her.
When will it be your turn.
You just...
want to get to know her. So that you could maybe, possibly, your life could change just a little bit.
That night, [[you sign up for a bus pass on your phone]].<h4><b>Saturday, May 1st</b></h4>
Not even disappointed, really.
You feel ANGRY.
Why can't you ever seem to get what you want.
Sometimes, it feels as though the more you want something, the further it gets from you.
The part of you that woke up today thinking that maybe things would change, that maybe you wouldn't be so alone anymore, feels crushed completely under a silent weight.
Your frusturation mounts. You feel the angry urge to make a change, and it drives you forward without stopping to get your logical mind's input. So, [[you sign up for a bus pass on your phone]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
All day Sunday, you plotted to make this Monday the first day of your new life.
But now that it's Monday, your heart is beating out of control in anticipation.
You spend a little extra time getting ready this morning. You look at yourself in the mirror and try to imagine yourself as the person you want to be. Someone <i>she</i> could be friends with.
You fiddle around in your apartment for most of the morning, having woken up too early due to your nerves.
Eventually, you realize that its time to [[catch the 8:41 bus|catch the 8:34 bus]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You feel totally out of place at the bus stop. Despite living in a city where public transportation is common, you have never actually taken a city bus before. You wonder if the other people at the bus stop can tell, but they all look uniformly down at their phones.
You anxiously check your phone to ensure your bus pass is still there, credits loaded.
You catch your own reflection in the black screen of your phone and try your best to iron out the concerned expression on your face.
At 8:41, [[a bus rounds the corner]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You try to read the sign flashing at the top of the bus, but it pulls up before you can get a good look.
Unsure if this is your bus, you hop on anyway, too scared to miss it.
And, to your horror, your bus pass won't scan in.
You look to the bus driver for help, but she won't meet your eyes and looks on apathetically.
You flip your phone to the other side and suddenly the machine lets out a little beep. You look to the driver for approval, but she gives you none. Unsure what to do next, you [[step into the bus to find a seat]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
She's there. You can't believe it.
She looks like a dream. For a minute, you're convinced you're mistaken. To see her in this context makes no sense.
She's reading a book, one with an old cover you can't quite make out. The seats on either side of her are taken. Your heart sinks to your stomach.
She looks at you. You're startled back to reality, realizing just how hard you were staring at her.
After a moment of hestiation, she seems to recognize you. She gives you a small smile.
You smile back, but loose your balance as the bus jerks forward.
You [[make your way to an open seat near the back]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
Your whole head feels itchy, like there are bees taking over your brain.
You fucked up. Your chance was right there and you let it get away from you.
She probably thinks you're a weirdo.
She's probably afraid of you.
She probably knows you're always watching her.
You just want to tell her how you feel.
These thoughts plague you as the bus slowly grows more crowded, completely blocking your view of her by the [[time you get to work]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
The bus drops you off a few blocks from work.
You feel so anxious that you're dizzy as you stand up to get off the bus. You desperately hope to not be seen by her. The thought of her eyes on you makes your cheeks hot with embarrassment.
You can't believe how fast your plan went downhill.
And now, you realize with dread, you have the 5 minute walk to work.
The plan was to walk with her. To strike up a conversation on your way in.
There's no way you can do that now. You feel too out of it. Too embarrassed. Even if everything had gone to plan, your heart is pounding and you feel as though you are holding back tears.
When the bus creeps to a stop, you decide quickly whether you [[run ahead of her]] or [[stick behind her and walk slowly]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You push your way to the door, imagining your face must be bright red right now.
You realize you're holding your breath and it's making you dizzy, but you're afraid that your breath will come out as a gasp.
Hands sweating and vision growing cloudy, the doors finally creak open.
You burst out, hitting yourself with the door on the way out. The man next to you lets out a sound but you pretend you can't hear him.
Head facing forward, you walk as though you're late for something important. Imgaining her walking behind you, analyzing your steps, your outfit, your hair, makes you feel sick, but you keep your course, finally [[making it to work]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You try your best to see her without making it obvious you're looking. You can see she's stood up and is ready to exit the bus, so you slowly do too, doing your best to take your time while not missing the stop.
There's a man between you and her as you line up to step out.
Your heart is pounding wildly. You just want off this bus.
As the doors open, you follow the man in front of you out at an irritatingly leisurely pace.
You can't believe how slow you're walking. The man ahead of you seems to be heading in the same direction, so you keep him between you and her, but your eyes are trained on her back.
Her sholders are so thin and delicate looking, you think. You imagine what they look like bare, but catch yourself and blush more.
After a few minutes, you find yourself on the block to the office, finally [[making it to work]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
Unavoidably, you have to clock in at the same time as her.
Luckily, there's a line of people waiting to clock in, so you're able to keep some space between her and you.
You clock in, relieved that your adventure is done. You can't wait to go back to driving in tomorrow.
On your way out of the breakroom, you [[catch her eye in the hall]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
Your heart skips a beat. Her eyes are crystal clear and huge. They somehow give off an air of innocence. It doesn't seem possible. You can't believe that she's even prettier when she's putting her attention on you.
You can feel your nerves working a storm in your stomach and consider taking a beeline for the bathroom.
"Hey."
The voice is soft but unmistakable. You're already locking eyes with her.
She smiles a bit.
"I thought you looked familliar. Do you usually take the 49?"
Everything hits you so fast. She <i>remembers</i> you. She isn't so embarrassed to be seen with you that she wouldn't say hello. You and her now have something in common.
You realize you're taking too long to respond. You [[open your mouth and let out a nervous laugh|open your mouth and let our a nervous laugh]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You tell her that you usually drive. You make up a lie about your family using your car for the week.
She smiles. Her teeth are so white. How do people get their teeth so white.
"Ah, well that makes sense. Anyway, see you around!"
She turns around and heads to the bathroom you were eyeing up a moment before.
You feel out of breath and shakey. But also, your heart feels elated. You feel light.
You have made contact.
And now you can do it again.
You [[head to your desk to start work]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You replay the conversation in your head all day as you quietly file away reports and answer emails.
You imagine all of the things you could've said to her. About how pretty she looked. About how much you love her art. About how you wish every day you could have the same kind of understated charisma she had. You wish you could tell her how lonely you have been, and how she has helped you get through it.
Usually, you stay until 6pm. But you know she leaves right at 5pm, so right at 4:55pm you start packing your bags.
"Plans tonight, so I'm leaving early," you explain nervously to your slightly surprised but overall uninterested deskmate.
You barely hold back the urge skip [[on your way to the punch clock]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
She's not at the time clock yet, so you take your time. You act like you have some business at the vending machines, paw at your wallet nervously.
After maybe a minute though, someone comes to stand behind you. You awkwardly buy something then step out of the way.
You start thinking you must have missed her.
Do you go home?
Your head starts to <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itch</i></tw-hook>.
You can't think straight.
You realize you are starting to panic.
Do you [[go look for her over at her desk]]?
Or do you [[run to the bus stop thinking maybe she went out a bit before you]]?<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You start walking back down the hallway pretending you forgot something. You walk past where you're desk is to where you know she sits.
The idea that you could've missed her fills you with panic. What if shes already on the bus.
Your head is <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itching</i></tw-hook>.
No.
It's<tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>burning</i></tw-hook>.
This was you chance.
Your eyes start welling up with tears when suddenly, you see her [[rounding the corner in a hurry]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
She's <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>not here</i></tw-hook>. You're almost positive this is the bus she gets on to go home. You wonder if she had plans after work.
Of course she did, you idiot. She's popular. Easy to talk to. Kind. A girl like her doesn't go straight home after work. A girl like her has a <i>life</i>.
Envy fills your chest.
Then comes the feeling of hopelessness.
When will things get better for you? When will it be your turn? When will you get the break you need?
You sit down on your seat in the bus and realize that you're about to cry.
Right as the doors close, you look up to see her gasping for breath, [[standing in the bus car ahead]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You choke back your tears, sit up straighter. She brings out the same book she was reading on the way into work. She reads standing up.
She looks so effortless, standing, reading.
The bluish hue of the bus light illuminates her beautifully.
You realize, with a bit of shame, you can now wait for her to get off first.
Your head starts to <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itch</i></tw-hook> for the second time that day.
You shouldn't. Only a creep would follow a girl home. She won't be friends with a creep.
But you can't help but [[imagine seeing where she lives]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
The more you try to block the urge to follow her home, the worse the <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itch</i></tw-hook> becomes.
You start to feel out of control of your actions. Your heart is racing but it feels like none of the blood is helping you think clearer.
As you creep past the stop to go home, you realize your fate is sealed.
A stop later, you see her getting ready to get off at the next stop.
You [[follow her lead]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
The air feels so good as you step off the bus. Spring is in full force, slowly making it's way into Summer. The cool air clears your head a bit.
A decent amount of people also get off on this stop, so you're able to keep some distance from her.
You step off slowly, giving her some time to get ahead.
She turns left and starts heading down the sidewalk.
Your [[feet follow behind her without giving you a chance to think about it]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
She's practically jogging.
She passes you in a hurry, not even giving you a look.
You realize, anxiously, now <i>you're</i> the one running behind.
You turn around and start jogging behind her, but she's already way ahead of you.
You resist the urge to break into a full out sprint.
You feel heat rise to your cheeks in embarassment as you try to up your pace without breaking into a run.
You watch her back as she leaves the building and [[you follow]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
She's almost a block ahead now, racing for the bus.
You see it pulling up right as she gets there.
Now, you've broken into a sprint. You wave your arms in deperation.
You can't believe it, but the bus waits for you. She got in the front car, but the bus driver leaves only the back car doors open for you.
As you board, you look into the car in front of you where you can see her standing with the same book from that morning in hand. She looks straight out of a painting, the lights from the bus lighting up her face.
You try to get a glimpse of what she is reading without staring too hard.
The bus pulls away from the stop and you suddenly realize something - you can now see which stop she gets off at.
You try to ignore the pleasure of [[imagining where she lives.|imagine seeing where she lives]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
Her hair looks beautiful in the soft afternoon light.
You worry about her hearing your footsteps and turning around to see you, but you realize after a moment that she has wireless headphones in her ears.
You realize you don't know anything about her taste in music. You just want to know more about her.
She turns into a walkway only about a block away from the bus stop. You barely got more than a couple moments to look at her.
Her building is a bit drab, the kind of apartment building you see all around the area.
In fact, it looks a lot like yours.
You wait for a moment, pretending to tie your shoe to see which unit she walks into.
She walks into the one on the first floor, to the left of the stairs. She enters the apartment and shuts the door behind her with a harsh thud that alarms you.
You [[take out your phone and take a picture]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
You don't feel shame. You don't feel creeped out by your own behavior. In fact, for the first time in a long time, your head feels completely clear. You can't believe your luck.
Today was the best day you've had in a long time.
Maybe, things will finally be looking up for you.
You walk home, which takes you about 20 minutes. This whole time, she's just been a 20 minute walk away.
While you cook dinner, you imagine all the ways your life is about to change.
Concerts, parties, exhibits, chatting over coffee.
Soon, you're life is really going to start.
You serve up your dinner happily, sit down with your plate and [[check your phone]].<h4><b>Monday, May 3rd</b></h4>
Your disappointed to see she hasn't posted anything, but it doesn't ruin your mood like it usually would.
You scroll through her old posts again, imagining your life now that you get to be apart of hers. You see yourself at the bar, laughing with friends. You see yourself with her as she picks out an outfit that she takes a selfie with. You're with her at the hillside at sunset. Suddenly, the scenes in her pictures seem so close. You feel like you were there.
These thoughts fill your head as you [[fall asleep that night]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You wake up half an hour before your alarm and find you can't get back to sleep.
You just can't help being excited.
Today, you are determined to strike up a conversation with her on the bus.
You'll ask her what she's reading. Who she's listening to. She'll tell you all about it, looking at you with those same bright eyes you see her look at other people with.
Finally, [[her light will shine down on you]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You hop on the bus and your eyes frantically look for her.
The bus is a bit less crowded than it was yesterday, and you see her sitting down, headphones in, reading the same torn book.
The chair next to her is empty. You smile to yourself.
You plop down next to her and look over, trying to give her your best smile. She looks up at you, and you realize she looks a bit annoyed, but her expression softens a bit when she recognizes you.
You feel a bit unsure.
Do you [[ask her what she's listening to]] or [[what she's reading]]?<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
"What are you listening to?" you say, but your voice comes out robotic and odd.
She takes the airbuds out of her ears. You realize she has several ear piercings, dainty gold rings lining her ears. It looks so feminine and girly.
"Oh, this is kind of embarassing, but it's these background noise videos on Youtube."
She holds up her phone for you to see. Her nails are neatly painted a dark red. On her screen you see a video titled "ASMR Library - Fall Leaves Crunching, Paper Turning Noises, Soft Ambiance".
Your brain completely goes blank at this response. You begin to panic, making your brain feel more empty.
"I have total TikTok brain, so I can't focus for more than a couple minutes without some sort of noises in my ear," she offers.
She says this bit of information without any hint of embarrassment, which you don't understand, but it also somehow doesn't detract from her cool demeanor at all.
You [[rack your brain for something to say]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
"What book is that?" The words feel weird out of your mouth.
"Huh?" she asks, taking her earphones out and putting them back into their case.
You feel unease creep into your previously sunny disposition.
"Uhm, what are you reading?" Repeating the words sounds even more unnatural.
"Oh," she say's as she holds up the book for you to see. This doesn't feel like the conversation that you imagined.
You don't get a chance to process the title before she puts the book back down. You're not sure what to say next.
"Uhm, it's pretty good so far," she offers.
Why isn't this going how you imagined?
Why can't you do anything right?
You [[force a smile as you search your brain for another question to ask her]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
"Are you far?"
You realize your question doesn't make a ton of sense.
Luckily, she picks up what you mean.
"Yeah, I'm almost done actually. Trying to finish it today."
Each stop suddently feels like it couldn't come fast enough. You realize, slightly horrified, that you're still a ways away from work.
The silence stalls for a bit too long. Your cheeks grow hot.
You look at your hands.
"Are you reading anything right now?" she asks. Her voice seems unsure as well. You wonder if she's nervous too, or if you're just creeping her out.
You consider her question. You're not reading a book. You haven't read a book in years, actually. But you don't want to tell her that.
Do you [[lie to her]] or [[tell her the truth]]?<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
"Yeah, I'm reading..." You have to search your brain for any book you have read. You realize that the longer you stall the more it'll seem like you're lying, so you pull out a book you hardly remember.
"I'm reading <i>The Catcher in the Rye.</i>"
You read Catcher in the Rye. When you were maybe 14. You don't remember anything about it.
She raises her eyebrows a bit. Her expression says she knows something about Catcher in the Rye that you obviously don't.
"Kinda a polarizing book, huh? I read it when I was a teenager, though, and I loved it." Her smile seems geniune for just a moment. "In a sort of <i>I'm 12 and this is deep</i> way."
She lets out a laugh.
Your entire body is filled with warmth. You imagine yourself falling into her mouth, her perfect teeth outlining her smile beautifully.
"I read it in high school as well," you say, surprised at how easily your lie comes out. "I just started rereading it now."
You feel amazing. You realize this is the first conversation you've had in a long time.
But right as you're starting to think of another question to pose to her, you [[pull up to the bus stop at work]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
"Oh, I'm not actually," you tell her, avoiding her eyes.
There's a brief pause, as though she's waiting for you to say more.
You start to search desperately for something to say but can't think of anything.
"Well, I get most of my reading done on the bus actually. There's not much else to do anyway, and I get so sick of looking at my phone."
She's so cool.
You love your phone. All you ever do is look at your phone.
"I have a friend who loves audiobooks though, have you ever tried those?"
You're getting closer to work, finally. Only a stop left.
"Oh I haven't, but I guess that would make sense since I usually drive to work."
"Totally!" she says, but it feels odd and foced.
Your mind is once again totally blank. Luckily, you [[pull up to the bus stop at work]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You get up and she does too. You realize with dread that the conversatoin isn't over.
You have to walk in together.
But the fresh air as you step off the bus feels good and makes you feel less claustrophobic.
"So, you work in accounting, right? I think I've seen you sitting over there before."
She knows your department. You look away as much as you can cause you feel as though you might be blushing.
"Right! A bit of a boring crowd, I guess. Merchandising seems like a lot of fun."
You realize you just exposed that you know what she works on. You look to her anxiously to see if she shows any signs of being uncomfortable.
"It's chatty, for sure." She gives a bit of a laugh. "Sometimes, though, I wish it were a bit more quiet."
Her honesty feels refreshing.
The idea that <i>she</i> actually enjoys the quiet make you feel as though you have much more in common than you previously expected.
"Well," she says, scanning her card because before you knew it you were at the timecard box. "I'll see you around!"
She turns around and walks of to her desk. You [[scan your card and do the same]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
But you can't really focus on your work this morning.
You feel so...so light and free. You feel like things are finally falling into place for you. Like life is worth waking up for.
This is the first time you have felt good in a long time.
Your years of loneliness suddenly seem meaningless. It feels as though something in your brain has finally clicked.
You spend all morning day dreaming, then realize it's [[already time for lunch]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You realize, in a sudden panic, that you completly forgot your lunch at home.
You've quite literally <i>never</i> done this before.
Being completely out of your routine, you forgot.
You consider skipping lunch, but your stomach has already been letting out soft rumbles.
The stress brings tears to your eyes.
You consider calling in sick for the rest of the day.
But all these options require you to draw way too much attention to yourself.
Weighing your options, you realize it's probably best to [[just go get some food from the cafeteria.]]<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
"What...what does it sound like?"
You're starting to feel a bit desperate. You look out the window and realize with relief that a few stops have already gone by.
You're relief surprises you. After all, this is what you wanted. But the pressure of this forced conversation in this cramped bus is too much.
"Well...it's just like rustling paper and wind blowing and stuff..." she looks a bit lost for words.
"Here," she says, taking her earbuds back out of their case. "If you don't mind sharing, I can play it for you."
[[Your cheeks flush and you pray it's not noticeable.]]
<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
In her perfectly groomed hand, she holds out an ear bud for you. You take it trying your hardest not to touch her skin.
She hits play on the video. It really is just shuffling noises. An owl hoots.
You feel yourself smiling.
She laughs.
You look at her and feel warmth.
"Ok, it's kinda weird," she says, "but seriously, even at work it helps me focus."
"It's nice, I think," you say, smilling yourself.
You look outside and realize you're already at work. You [[pull up to the bus stop at work]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You've been working in this building for almost three years now and have managed to completely avoid the cafeteria.
The thought of congregating with all your coworkers in one place fills you with dread, which is why you have always been extra careful to always bring a lunch from home.
But you try to swing it into a positive light. Maybe forgetting your lunch was meant to happen. To push you to your next step.
You get up and grab your wallet out of your bag, feeling awkward. Your coworker looks up at you without any interest.
"Um, going to lunch," you say, and he nods then looks back at his computer.
You feel a but shakey, but you [[start walking over to the cafeteria]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You stand in line for the kiosk to order behind a bald man wearing a worn polo shirt and khakis. You cross your hands over your stomach and pray this goes by quickly.
Scanning the room behind you, anxiously hoping to avoid any familiar faces, you suddenly see her.
She's sitting with a girl, probably another girl from merchandising. She's eating a salad and chatting adamantly.
You wonder if your conversation with her this morning also looked this picturesque.
You are suddenly hit with an intense envy.
You realize you've been staring when you catch her eye.
You give a slight smile and wave, but she doesn't register any of it.
She turns back to her conversation with her friend, but not before she looks back up at you, unsmiling, and turns her body away.
Your stomach [[is thrown into knots]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
Your face suddenly feels extremely hot. It feels like all the blood in your body has suddenly evaporated. Breathing feels impossible.
The room starts to spin. Like REALLY spin.
The bald man is still picking through the food options. You want to hit him in the back of his shiny head, but instead you leave the cafeteria, head still spinning.
Tears begin to well up in your eyes. You feel like jumping off something high up.
You feel like running until your body gives out.
You feel totally, and completely, hopeless.
You feel hatred.
You [[grab you stuff and leave]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You're not even thinking of your manager or your coworkers right now. You don't even care. You just scan the lot for your car, praying for some space where you can be alone.
You rememeber you took the bus here.
FUCK
FUCK.
Fuck.
You walk over to the bus stop, trying your best to keep your composure. Your breath is returning, but your breathlessness is replaced with nausea. You hold your head in your hands.
There's a woman at the bus stop already waiting. She looks up at you and seems a bit alarmed, but turns back to her phone, probably trying to avoid any trouble.
The bus pulls up relatively quickly and [[you stumble on]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
20 minutes later, you're home.
Just being home makes you feel a bit better. The plain walls and Ikea furniture feel comfortable. But there's still a bitter, burning sensation in your chest and everything around you seems weirdly light, as though someone changed the saturation in the world.
You hear your phone ring and the first thought you have is <i>it's her</i>.
But how could it be her, she doesn't even have your number.
You look at the caller ID. It's your boss.
Shit. You realize you completely left without saying anything.
"Hey, Ms. Hill? Sorry, I suddenly started feeling super horrible so I got up and left as quickly as possible."
"Oh, well I'm super sorry to hear that." She sounds really concerned, you realize. You feel a bit guilty.
"I didn't mean to just get up and leave, but I really needed to get out as soon as possible..."
You're prepared for the worst. You've never been one to break rules or really do anything that would cause you to stand out.
"It's fine, get some rest. Please take tomorrow off if you need."
You say thanks and [[hang up the phone]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
Now that you're alone with your thoughts in your apartment, you begin to realize how angry you feel.
This was suppposed to be your chance.
What did you do to mess it up? Why did she suddenly completely change her mind.
Was she embarassed to be seen with you?
You feel disgusting in your own skin.
You look at yourself in the mirror.
You look the same as always. You're a bit plain, but there's really nothing <i>wrong</i> with you. No horrible features that make you hard to look at. Your clothing is modest and boring, but nothing to be upset over.
You just don't get it.
Why can't anyone just give you a chance.
Are you going to [[feel this way forever?]]<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
The thought of nothing ever changing fills you with dread. You feel like you're stuck somewhere you can't escape.
Like an animal being cornered, full of desperation, you start thinking of ways to get yourself <i>out</i>.
You want to scratch at the walls.
You want to run until your lungs give out.
You want things to be <i>different</i>.
You pace around your apartment, feeling like the walls are closing in. The hole in your stomach grows wider. Your head pounds with rage.
You [[grab your bag and storm out of the apartment]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
Do you go to her house?
[[Yes?]]
[[No?]]<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
It's only 1:30pm you realize, but you're feet are already moving towards her house.
There is nowhere else to go.
You'll wait, you think.
The wait will give you some time to think.
You're outside her apartment building now.
You remember her walking into the apartment on the first floor. The one directly to the left of the stairs.
She won't be home, right???
Do you [[knock on the door?]] Or do you [[wait on the stairs?]]<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
Your skin feels hot. Your brain begins to <tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><i>itch</i></tw-hook>.
You need to see her.
Do you go to her house?
[[Yes?]]
[[No?]]<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You walk up to the door. You realize, in a moment of clarity, that you aren't nervous at all. You're really not feeling much at all except this strange feeling of overstimulation.
You have no clue what you're going to say to her.
You knock.
You wait.
There's no response.
It's 1:46pm.
You see a doorbell, so you ring it. You hear a soft meowing noise from inside.
Does she have a cat?
You realize she's definitely never posted about having a cat.
You grow angry. Why <i>wouldn't</i> she post about owning a cat. How else are you supposed to know???
The blinds are slightly ajar. You peer in.
You can barely see, but there is definitely the movement of an animal in the apartment.
You hate that animal.
Everything else looks oddly normal. The room is plain.
You turn behind you and realize a row of bushes sits right outside of her window.
You start to [[dig around, finding a comfortable way in]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You take a seat on the last stair.
You stare at your hands for a minute, but you suddenly realize the staircase is shaking and it seems like someone is coming down.
You quickly whip out your phone and put it to your ear.
"Yeah, are you going to be here soon? I'm just waiting," you say into the dead reciever.
A heavy-set man in his 20s walks by. He looks back at you seeming a bit concerned, but he doesn't stop.
<i>He doesn't really care, anyway</i> you think.
You open up her Instagram account. There's nothing new, but you go through the entire thing anyway, including her tagged posts. You read every single comment, even though you practically have them memorized by now. You look through the accounts of the people who have tagged her in posts. You wonder what they have that you don't.
You go through her follwing list. You go through her followers. You hate them all so much.
By the time you're done, it's almost 4.
Still an hour and a half to go until she gets here.
You look to your right and notice a row of bushes.
You realize you could probably hide yourself here.
What do you have to lose?
You [[dig around, finding a comfortable way in]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You sit on the cold dirt. Your ass feels wet.
You don't really care, though.
You try to envision how hidden you are.
Probably not that well. You anxiously wonder whether or not she has cameras, but as you peak out from the bushes, you don't see anything.
You feel oddly calm here. Like a bear in a cave preparing to stay for the Winter.
You set your forehead on your knees.
Before you know it, you [[nod off]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
You awake with a jolt from an uneasy sleep.
Its already dark out. You look at your phone.
7:23pm.
You've been asleep for awhile.
FUCK.
You peak out from the bushes. A light streams out from the gaps in her blinds. You can see movement in the apartment based on where the light is being blocked out.
You missed her coming home.
You [[consider heading home]].<h4><b>Tuesday, May 4th</b></h4>
But whats waiting for you there?
You imagine walking back into your empty apartment.
Your heart begins to fill with dread. It feels so heavy it could fall to the floor.
You'd rather go anywhere else than home.
But, of course, where else <i>could</i> you go?
So, you [[stay right here]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
For the rest of the night, you fall in and out of consiousness.
Your back begins to hurt on the hard ground.
You're cold.
You watch her windows, the shadows moving in the light.
The light moving feels like a vision of heaven.
She goes to bed around midnight.
You close your eyes and pretend you're next to her. That you are so close to her you become her. You can almost hear her breath next to yours. She smells earthy and clean.
The sun begins to rise around 6:30. You [[head home to get ready for work]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
Your apartment feels foreign when you walk in.
There's nothing here for you.
There has never been anything here for you.
You hop in the shower. Your body feels sore and chilled. Washing off the dirt, you realize there's a small but bloody gash on the back of your arm.
You feel nothing.
You sip your coffee, look outside without noticing anything in particular.
Looking at the time on your phone, you realize [[it's time to catch the bus]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
You board the bus. There she is. She looks as well rested as ever.
There's a new book in her lap.
You're not going to ask her about it.
What's the point.
You take the seat across from her, watching her carefully.
Her hair looks shiny. You want to touch it.
She looks up at you and smiles. You don't really feel anything this time.
You can't muster the energy to smile back.
She looks back down at her book. You realize as the bus lurches forward that you must be making her uncomfortable.
You don't really care.
The bus [[creeps its way to the office]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
You get off casually, slowly.
You wait for her to get off so that you can get the best view of her walking in. She doesn't even humor you by waiting for you to get off the bus.
Why would she?
You follow her all the way into office, stand behind her as she swipes her card.
You stand so close you can smell her.
As she turns around to leave, she gives you another smile, but this one has a noticeable trepidation.
You [[scan in and walk to your desk]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
You set your stuff on your desk. You sit down.
Your mind feels all over the place.
Your hands feels as though they are seperate from your body.
Your body feels seperate from your mind. You're surprised that your hands move when you command them to.
You don't really see a point in being here.
What are you working for? So you can afford to get up and work another day tomorrow?
You ponder just giving it all up, waiting it out until you can't anymore.
You take a deep breath. You log into your email. You [[try your best to focus on work]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
Around lunch, you realize you once again didn't bring anything.
Of course you didn't, you barely even spent any time at home this morning.
And maybe, there was a part of you that wanted another excuse to see her. To relive your experience in the cafeteria yesterday and somehow prove it wrong.
You stand up. Your coworker looks up at you.
"Lunch," you explain.
But instead of his usual indifference, he says, "Hey, are you okay?"
"Huh?"
"You're, uh, bleeding. On your elbow."
He's right.
"Oh, ha, yeah I tripped yesterday. I guess the wound reopened. Sorry about that."
He nods, goes back to work.
You [[make your way to the cafeteria]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
There's no line at the kiosk to order, so you go up and order a salad. You're not really hungry. Come to think of it, when was the last time you'd eaten?
You look around the cafeteria and see her sitting at the exact same table she was at yesterday. You make note of your order number and go to sit at the table across from her and her friends.
She laughs carelessly with her friends.
Has she always been so careless?
How can someone treat another person with so little regard, honestly?
You look on. You don't pretend to look at your phone or at the wall or the window on the other side of the cafeteria. You just look at her.
After a moment, [[she notices you looking at her]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
Your eyes feel glued to her face. You dare her to do something about your gaze.
You drink in her expression.
She gives you a gentle smile, which you don't return. She looks back at the table, her face obviously clouded in unease.
You don't look away.
The look of her discomfort sends shivers of pleasure down your spine. It feels good to watch her squirm.
You [[keep your gaze steadily on her face]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
She looks back up at you, but this time her face betrays her disgust.
<i>Be disgusted</i> you think.
You feel a smile creep onto your face.
You can't help it.
She starts to get up to leave.
You feel a bit surprised she folded so quickly.
You feel powerful.
You watch her bring her plate to the dish area and walk out.
Your number is called for your food. You [[pick it up and take it back to eat at your desk]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
Back at your desk, as you poke at your salad, you start to question yourself.
Maybe you shoudn't have behaved so rashly, you think.
You really overstepped there.
You hope you didn't ruin your chances with her.
You decide that after work today, you will [[find her and apologize]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
Right at 5pm, you get up to catch the bus. You rush to the bus stop after clocking out and see her already standing at the stop, waiting for the bus.
She catches your eye. She quickly looks down to her phone, her eyebrows knitting together.
Your breath catches. You can feel your heart pounding in your chest.
Why did you <i>do</i> this.
You want to scream.
You want to run until your body breaks down.
You want to jump into the ocean.
You take a deep breath and [[go to stand by her]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
When she realizes you are coming over to her, she looks up from her phone to acknowledge you, but you can tell she is still nervous.
"Hey, sorry if I was, um, weird earlier," you say, turning ahead so that you and her are standing shoulder to shoulder. You're a bit taller than her, you realize. She looks so small and delicate next to you. You feel like a disgusting monster.
"Uh, sorry?"
"Um...in the cafeteria. I'm sorry if I was weird."
"Oh, um, it's okay."
There's a silence.
After a bit, you realize she's not going to break it. You search for something to say and go with the first thing that comes to mind.
"Busy day?"
"Uhm, it wasn't too bad, I guess."
You laugh. You don't know why you laughed.
The [[bus pulls up and you get on]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
But she doesn't get on after you.
"Um, I'm actually heading somewhere else now, so I'm not catching this bus," she explains.
"Oh," you say. The doors close before anything else passes between you.
You go to take your seat. Your body feels weird and light, like it's not really made of physical matter.
What other bus could she be waiting for?
Did another bus even stop here?
You try to open Google Maps on your phone to see where she possibly could be going.
The next bus out of that stop is in 23 minutes and it's for the same line.
The only other bus line out of that station arrives in 38 minutes.
You [[realize she must have lied to you]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
Like, are you really <i>that</i> fucking scary?
Does she <i>hate</i> you?
Of course she hates you. You're a freak. You're disgusting. You're impossible to hold a conversation with. Impossible to relate to. Impossible to love.
There's probably something obscenely wrong with your face but you're just so out of touch with reality that you don't even realize it.
She was nice to you, let you into her perfect little space even though you don't <i>deserve</i> to be there, and you went and acted like the freak you are.
Honestly, what did you expect?
You [[ride the bus home with your head in your hands]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
When you get off the bus, you walk towards her apartment without even thinking about it.
There's no room in your head right now. All you can think about is how much she must hate you. Must wish she never spoke with you. Wish she didn't waste her charity with some abnormality like you.
And suddenly,[[ you're standing outside of her apartment building again]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
You look over to the bush where you slept last night.
You can kinda tell someones been in there, you realize. The dirt is covered in skids and the branches make a bit of a circle where you'd been sleeping.
You climb back in and start to pull them back in place. You try to back up a little bit.
You figure that as long as you keep really quiet and no one looks this way, no one will ever see you.
And you [[wait for something to happen]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
Twenty minutes later, she's at her apartment door, turning the lock to get in.
You knew it.
Of course you knew it.
But your heart is burning.
You feel a yelp of pain coming out of your throat, but you suppress it.
She just didn't want to take the bus with you.
She was <i>avoiding</i> you.
Because you disgust her.
You scare her.
You're nothing like her.
You [[try to will the world around you to implode on itself]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
But it doesn't.
The world just continues despite you.
Time keeps moving.
It doesn't matter whether you're here or not.
And she [[enters her apartment]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
The lights in her apartment flash on. You can hear sounds of her rustling around, of tangible, real life.
You sit in the dirt.
The ground feels cold against your body.
You're cold, and it's making you shake.
But you're also shaking because you feel so so so out of control.
You're afriad.
The world feels too big.
You just want something warm, and soft, and beautiful by your side so you might feel something nice.
You [[consider knocking on her door]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
What else are you going to do?
The world around you is falling, it's falling, its
No, that's not right.
It's just crushing you under it's weight.
You need shelter.
You need something to hold on to.
You need to take what you can get.
You [[stand up and brush the dirt off your clothes]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
You grab your bag and hunch over to step out of the bushes.
But...
You remember you're not supposed to be sure where she lives.
You can't just show up at her front door.
The weight of the air around you increases.
You can barely breathe. You collapse to the ground.
But what CAN you do? Can you do ANYTHING? Can is there SOMETHING in this world that you can move in the direction you want it to?
You [[reach for your phone]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
You open up Instagram.
You go to her account.
She hasn't posted anything.
You begin typing a message.
You delete the text.
You try again.
Should you [[try to apologize]]?
Or would that put her off?
Maybe you should [[act like nothing had happened and casually message her]]?<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
Your hands are shaking.
You have been on her profile literally hundreds of times. Several times a day for over a year now.
But you've never even opened the DM box.
You can't think of anything to say.
You start with:
Hey there. I just wanted to explain...
DELETE.
Hi, sorry if I was acting weird today...
DELETE.
I don't think you follow me but I wanted to apologize. This is...
DELETE.
You type out "Hey."
You [[hit send]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
The empty chat glares back at you.
Hey, hope you're doing...
DELETE.
Hi, this is...
DELETE
Just wanted to reach out and say hey...
DELETE
Making sure we're still cool...
DELETE
You type out "Hey."
You [[hit send]].<h4><b>Wednesday, May 5th</b></h4>
You stare at the now not-empty chat.
Despite only being pixels on a screen, your heart feels like it's pounding out of your chest.
You keep staring.
Nothing changes.
Would she even see your message?
You reason that she doesn't even follow you. The message goes to some hidden inbox where it probably festers among with scammers and horny men taking their shot.
You close your eyes, lean against the fence at your back. Something is digging into your scalp.
Before you know it, you [[accidentally drift asleep]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
You wake up extremly cold.
Your back feels horrible.
As you go to move, your body quite literally cracks.
You turn on your phone and the brightness blinds you.
It's a bit after 1am.
You panic, look around, and notice you're still alone in the bushes.
You look back at your phone.
[[No notifications]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
You open Instagram. You aren't expecting much.
She hasn't posted to her story. Nothing new on the main feed.
It is a bit odd she hasn't even reposted anything to her story, but not completely out of the ordinary.
You go to messages. You open your direct chat with her.
Read.
In grey text under your message.
Read.
Your heart beats so hard you think it might explode. You can feel your heartbeat in your ears.
You [[suddenly feel very embarassed]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
Why did you DO that?
Of course she wouldn't respond. You're just some creep in her DMs.
You wipe the tears from your face that started falling without you noticing.
You peak out from the bushes to look into the windows of her apartment.
No lights. She must be asleep.
You [[decide to go home]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
Your body feels so horrible on your way home. The pain lets you forget how devestated you feel.
Your head is pounding so hard it's difficult to keep your eyes open.
Your fingers are so cold they seem to have lost all dexterity.
Your back hurts with each step.
You make it back to your apartment right before 2am.
You consider showering, but figure the noise may disturb your neighbors and decide against it.
Instead [[you pile on some blankets and fall asleep on the couch]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
When you wake up, the sun is glaring at you through the blindless windows.
Your body still feels freezing cold, but you're coated in sweat. You place your hand to your chest and find an actual puddle.
You squirm out from under the covers with your head pounding, finding your phone sitting on the table.
10:23am. Shit, you missed work.
You have a message from your boss.
"Hey, did you have an appointment today? Just checking in."
A sudden jolt of energy bolts through you and you jut up to go get ready.
But when you stand up, your dizziness is so stong that you fall to your knees.
You realize that [[you must actually be sick]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
You feel quite guilty about it, but you text your boss back that you are unable to come in.
You apologize.
Your boss tells you there's no need to apologize.
You apologize again.
You crawl back under the covers and the stare at the wall.
Your skin feels disgusting, a mix of dirt and sweat and unbrushed teeth. You've never smelt like this before in your entire life.
You think about this for a second when out of nowhere, you [[begin to sob]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
You don't even think. You just contine you cry. The sobs jerk your whole body, which aggrevates your sore muscles and aching head.
You feel completely out of control.
You try to come up with some reason why your desrve to keep on living, but you come up completely blank.
What are you going to DO?
You [[draw a blank]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
You eventually fall back asleep.
The rest of the day, you fall in and out of consiousness.
At some point, you get up and get some water and a simple meal.
It makes you feel better.
You go back to bed.
You remain mostly thoughtless, though every once in awhile you find your body overtaken by sobs.
Around 9pm, you take a shower. Your body feels so weak that you have to sit down on the bathtub floor.
The water feels good as it rains down on you.
You dry off and feel relieved to be squeaky clean.
You [[look at your face in the mirror]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
The face that looks back at you feels like a total stranger. Your eyes look oddly flat and your skin is missing color.
You've never really liked the way you looked, but seeing yourself now, through the eyes of an ambivalent stranger, you feel a gentleness towards yourself that you never had before.
You look, well, completely normal. A bit sick, but normal.
Not beautiful, but certainly not ugly.
You [[feel a rush of hope]].<h4><b>Thursday, May 6th</b></h4>
You dare to think <i>maybe I deserve to live</i>.
Maybe life isn't that hard.
Life can change. Things can be good.
You can lead a life that doesn't hurt you in it's routines.
You [[head back to the couch and fall back asleep]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
You wake up and see a thin light glowing through the window. You look at your phone and see its 5:21 am. You rest your head back down, but are suddenly hit with the realization that you probably are not able to sleep anymore.
You get up. You feel better, but not good. You take your temperature for the first time. 101.2.
You text your boss that you still have a fever. You apologize again.
You get up, rinse yourself off in the sink, make some food and coffee and sit back on the couch. Swallowing hurts but the sustenance feels good. You turn on the TV and watch blanky as some sitcom plays out.
So, [[what are you going to do]]?<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
You want to take a step but you aren't sure where to start.
After being lost in thought for a few moments, the only thing that comes to mind is making things right with her.
You laugh to yourself. You don't expect much. She probably couldn't care less. She definitely couldn't care less.
But, for yourself, you need to set the record straight.
You really, genuinely, hope that you two can be friends.
You want that more than anything, really.
But you decide that life can still go on even if she doesn't forgive you.
You [[look at the time]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
It's already 8:14AM.
She'll be leaving for the bus any minute now. If you leave now, you can still catch her on her way.
You [[hop in your car]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
You start the ignition of the car. You feel <i>good</i>. You feel powerful. You feel ready to take control of your life.
You're ready to tell her how you feel.
I mean, you're not really sure how you feel, but you feel confident that the words will find themselves when you need them to.
Right on time, [[you pull up outside of her apartment building]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
She's locking the door to her apartment. Her hair falls gently around her slim shoulders.
She looks beautiful today.
She literally glistens in the morning sun. You're not sure how that's even possible.
You feel a pang in your heart.
Before you can think of a reason not to, you [[step out and call to her]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
She looks over her shoulder at you. She looks afraid, you realize.
"It's okay," you call out, "I was just wondering if we could talk."
She doesn't look like she wants to talk. You feel a hint of irritation.
"Uhm. Okay, what do you want to talk about?"
She looks at you like she's dealing with some creep at a bar that she wants nothing to do with.
"Well, its kind of a long thing...do you mind if we sit in my car?"
You gesture to your car.
"Oh, I need to get to work," she replies, starting to walk in the direction of the bus stop.
"Me too," you say without thinking about it. You realize you're in PJs.
But it's too late now. You [[commit]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
"I can just give you a ride," you say.
She doesn't say yes.
"It's no big deal!" You say this was a bit too much inflection in your voice.
"Um, sure then," she says, but her face is telling you that she doesn't want to.
"Okay, well, um... hop in!"
Your heart is beating out of your chest as you [[both get into your car]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
Your hands feel sticky on the wheel. You didn't think about how nervous this would make you, to have her so close, watching you as you start the car.
You crack down a window to get some air.
You don't know how to start.
"I'm...I guess I'm just a lonely person."
She looks at you like a scared cat.
For some reason, this helpless look [[makes you laugh]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
Your laughter seems to prompt a reaction in her.
"Well, we all get lonely..." she says, but she says it like she's trying to prove something.
"No!"
You're voice cuts in a bit too sharp. Too loud.
"I mean...like not sometimes. ALWAYS."
"Okay..."
You're surprised that you're starting to feel angry. You feel like she's not listening. Her complete self-absorption grates your nerves.
"I just...." you start to cry again. "I just want things to feel <i>easier</i>. To feel <i>better</i>.
You realize you have too much to say in the time it takes you to drive to work.
Without saying anything, you [[make a detour]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
"No offense, but things look so <i>easy</i> for you," you continue. "Like, what the fuck! People just accept you for who you are, want to be around you, want to know what's happening in your life!"
"Hey, where are we going..." Her voice quivers a bit.
"Some of us are invisible in society, you know? No one cares about our feelings or interests or thoughts or just, like, how life <i>is</i> for us. No one gives a fuck!"
"Hey, I think the office is left down Main..."
Your blood feels so hot it hurts your ears.
"Shut up! Like, are you even listening at all???" Your voice is hoarse from your cold.
[[You're pretty sure you've never talked this much in your life]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
"I'm sorry, I just, I need to get to work." She says this in a matter-of-fact way, but her voice betrays her fear.
You ignore her.
"It's the worst <i>kind</i> of pain, cause, like, it's so dull and noninvasive, but it's <i>always</i> there, it never stops. It's just this <i>hollow</i> feeling that pervades everything, like literally <i>everything</i> and it never goes away, it just slowly chips away at you. But you can't <i>do</i> anything, because it's not like there's anything wrong, like urgently right now, help I'm bleeding, wrong, so no one <i>cares</i>"
You're rambling, your voice is raised too high, and you're once again sobbing so hard you loose control of your entire body. It's hard to drive the car like this, so you just stick your course.
You [[look over to her]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
She's typing out something on her phone.
"Can you not <i>listen</i> to me for like a minute???"
"I...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry you feel that way." Her condescending tone hasn't left her voice.
"You're so sorry? Really?"
Your anger towards her is growing. You briefly consider driving your car into a wall.
"I just...I just don't know what this has to do with me, is all..."
[[You pause]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
"I already told you," you feel a bit calmer now. "I already told you what this has to do with you."
"Uhm, sorry, you did?"
"Everything is so easy for you. You're beautiful, easy to talk to, have the kind of hobbies people want to talk about... it's <i>never</i> been easy for me. I feel like I was born with some sort of piece missing or something..."
"Hey, why are we here?"
You realize [[you drove to the waterside lookout]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
"I don't know, sorry." You wipe your face. It's soaked.
You look over at her. She is back on her phone, typing furiously.
"Like, are you stupid or something?!?" you yell. You emotions are back at their maximum capacity.
"What -" you snatch the phone our of her hands and throw your door open. You almost tear your shoulder as you swing it back to [[throw her phone into the water as hard as you can]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
When you look back, you're surprised to see that she's crying. Her eyes look pretty as they fill with tears.
"Why are you crying," you ask, your voice still breaking up in sobs.
You realize that she looks horrified.
You feel disgusted at how pretty her face looks, streaked with tears and flushed red.
"I HATE YOU," [[you cry out]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
"I FUCKING HATE YOU, I HATE EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR, EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BUT YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE!"
Your yells are painful. Your head is pounding and your inhales burn your throat.
The anger that you didn't even know you had flows out of you.
"You can't throw my phone into the water like that," she says, refusing to meet your eyes.
You start to laugh. You can't help it.
All of that, and the only thing she can think of is her phone?
You [[feel a sudden surge of superiority]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
"You're not who I thought you were," you say. "You're a bad listener."
Her fear is replaced by an incredulous look.
You open your mouth to say something else, but the sound of sirens interrupts you.
She looks relieved.
You feel confused.
Why would the cops show up here?
You look around. It's just you and her.
You look back to the road and realize that the cop is pulling over to where you two are standing.
Your [[heart begins to pound]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
A burly looking man steps out of the cop car. You're suddenly afraid you're going to get shot.
You lock eyes with him and feel as though you are unable to look away.
"Hey, we got a report, some girl called worried about her friend. Is everyone okay over here?" He sort of mumbles all this, so it takes a second for it to process with you.
"Yeah-"
"That was my friend! I was forced into this car against my will and taken here, please help," a pretty, familiar voice rings out.
Suddenly, [[you are hit with a painful sense of self awareness]].<h4><b>Friday, May 7th</b></h4>
This probably looks weird. You suppose you had taken her here without her consent.
But you didn't <i>do</i> anything.
She looks like some stupid, sad animal right now. You suddenly feel disgustingly guilty, as though you picked on some starving puppy on the side of the road.
You hang your head like a kid who just got caught.
The officer clears his throat. He takes a step towards you.
"Is this your car?"
He points to your car.
You remember why you came here. You wanted to make things right.
"Yes...hey, look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated you like this..."
The officer interrupts. "What's your relationship?"
"We're coworkers. We don't know each other that well," she says very seriously.
"Okay..." he says in a way that's unsettlingly detatched. He mumbles something into his radio that you can't understand.
You wipe the tears and snot from your face.
"I'm going to take you in, okay?" He says this like he's taking you back for a doctor's appointment because you have an ear infection or something.
You can't look at her. You feel your cheeks growing hot with embarrassment.
"Ok," you say, and [[follow him to the police car]].The end.
[[Restart|Start]]
[[About this game|About]]<span class="center">
<tw-hook style="animation: 0.1s linear 0s infinite normal none running rumble;"><span class="title">itch</span></tw-hook>
<div class ="container">
<span class="button-container"><span class="button1">
<span class="button">[[start|Groggy]]</span></span></span>
<span class="button-container">
<span class="button">[[about|About]]</span></span>
</div>
<span>
<h4>Instructions </h4>
You can continue to the next part of the story by selecting the <span class=fake-link>purple text</span>.
At certain points, you will have the ability to make a descision on how to continue. Select the <span class=fake-link>purple text</span> that corresponds with the option you want to continue with.
You can go to the previous passage by selecting the arrow on the left hand side of the screen. Once you do so, you will be able to hit the arrow pointing right to continue where you left off.
<h4>Credits</h4>
This game was written by sulkypigeon (Amanda Schroeder).
It was created using Twine.
<h4>Content Warnings</h4>
This game depicts obsession and stalking. If you have ever experienced either of these, or are otherwise sensitive to them, please be cautious while playing.
Additionally, this game depicts loneliness, thoughts of worthlessness, depression, and potential triggers for suicidal ideation.
(button: "==x")[[Back|Start]]