A Pain in Uranus

You take a look around the inside of your space shuttle's living quarters. In front of you is a [[computer monitor|computerMonitor]], to your left is a [[window]] to your right is the [[drink regurgitator|drinkMachine]]. In the corner a door leads to the [[bridge|bridge]] On your desk you have: A steaming glass of coffee [[I hate coffee, why would I be drinking coffee|hateCoffee]] (set: $safe to true) (set: $likesCoffee to true) (set: $yackSpit to false) (set: $obstruction to false) (set: $distress to false) (set: $notFirst to false) (set: $beethoven to false) (set: $queen to false) (set: $mixALot to false) (set: $dontWantToDie to false) (set: $drWhho to false)

You can access the shuttle's computer from here. [[On second thought, I'll look at this later.|livingQuarters]] (if: $safe is true)[[[Get to work reviewing your latest sensor sweeps of Uranus' poles.|problem]] [[Catch up on the latest season of the Simpsons.|problem]] [[Get on the galactic-hyper-web and browse Reddit.|problem]]] (if: $safe is false)[[[Get to work reviewing your latest sensor sweeps of Uranus' poles.|problemExists]] [[Catch up on the latest season of the Simpsons.|problemExists]] [[Get on the galactic-hyper-web and browse Reddit.|problemExists]]]

(if: $safe is true)[Looking through the thick glass window of your shuttle, you can see Uranus rotating slowly beneath you.] (if: $safe is false)[You can catch only small glimpses of Uranus as your shuttle spins wildly out of control.] [[Back to the living quarters.|livingQuarters]]

The drink regurgitator is only producing coffee and yack spit at the moment. [[I don't need anything right now.|livingQuarters]] [[Get coffee.|getCoffee]] [[I THINK I WANT SOME OF THAT YACK SPIT.|likesYackSpit]]

What you like to think of as the captain's chair sits amidst a riot of [[controls]], [[readouts]] and dirty laundry. (if: $safe is true)[You should really clean up in here. If there was some sort of emergency all your laundry would be in the way.](if: $safe is false)[The dirty laundry is flying wildly around the room as your ship careens out of control. A pair of dirty underwear slaps wetly against your face(if: $notFirst is true)[, again]. You really should have cleaned up in here.(if: $beethoven is true)[The gentle humming of Beethoven's 5th fills the air.](if: $queen is true)[The gentle humming of Don't Stop Me Now fills the air.](if: $beethoven is true)[The gentle humming of Baby Got Back fills the air.](if: $drwho is true)[The invigorating sound of Jack/The Doctor erotic fan fiction fills the air.]] (if: $safe is true)[[[Back to the living quarters.|livingQuarters]]] (if: $safe is false)[[[Back to the living quarters.|livingQuartersLocked]]]

The drink regurgitator is only producing coffee and yack spit at the moment. (set: $likesCoffee to false) [[I guess coffee IS better than yack spit...|livingQuarters]] [[NO, GIVE ME THE SPIT. ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN COFFEE.|likesYackSpit]]

A [[computer monitor|computerMonitor]] sits in front of you, to your left is a [[window]] to your right is the [[drink regurgitator|drinkMachine]]. (if: $safe is true)[The door to the [[bridge]] is in the corner.](if: $safe is false)[(if: $obstruction is true)[A large [[support beam|machinery]] has fallen from the ceiling and blocked the [[bridge|bridgeBocked]] door. (if: $obstruction is false)[The large [[support beam|machinery]] has been moved out from in front of the [[bridge|bridge]] door.] WARNING: a fist size hole is slowly draining your precious oxygen from the room.]] On your desk you have: A steaming glass of coffee (if: $yackSpit is true)[A gloppy glass of yack spit]

Uhhh... If you say so. You activate the drink regurgitator and a stream of viscous, slimy yack spit slurps into your cup. (set: $yackSpit to true) [[On second thought, I'll just hold onto this for now.|livingQuarters]] [[YES DRINK THE YACK SPIT.|drinkYackSpit]]

No, please don't, It looks like a glass of ky jelly. Please. [[Fine, I'll just save it for later.|livingQuarters]] [[YES.|reallyDrinkYackSpit]]

(if: $obstruction is true)[The support beam is too heavy to move across the floor. [[Guess I can't do anything with this at the moment.|livingQuarters]] [[Too bad I don't have anything to lubricate the floor..|youDont]] (if: $yackSpit is true)[[[I know what to use!|yackLube]]]] (if: $obstruction is false)[The support beam is out of the way now. The only indication that it was ever blocking your doorway is the trail of yackspit and faint aroma of grass. [[Back to living quarters|livingQuarters]]]

You can't get to the bridge, it is blocked by the [[support beam|machinery]]. I just told you that. [[Right, sorry.|livingQuarters]] [[Don't get snippy with me!|sorry]] [[My ship has a huge hole in it, I am losing oxygen, and my ship is falling out of the sky. Maybe, cut me some slack, I have other things on my mind!|sorry]]

You already have coffee, don't be wasteful. (if: $safe is false)[Also, your oxygen is running out, so, more important things to do.] [[Back to the living quarters.|livingQuarters]]

You take a nice big swig of yack spit. It tastes a bit like grass. Grass and french kissing a Yack. [[TASTY|livingQuarters]] [[I regret the life choices that lead me to this moment.|livingQuarters]] [[I've had better|livingQuarters]]

(if: $safe is true)[Better not mess with these, everything is how it needs to be to run your scans. Besides, you would have to move your laundry before sitting down. [[Check the readouts|readouts]] [[Back to the bridge.|bridge]]] (if: $safe is false)[You take the controls. Maybe you can manage landing the ship without involving any sort of spit. [[Back to the bridge.|bridge]] [[Check the readouts|readouts]](if: $distress is false)[ [[Send a distress signal|distressSignal]]] [[Activate the emergency landing protocal.|ActivateLanding]]]

(if: $safe is true)[The readouts show: You are in stable orbit around Uranus. Your automated scans of the poles are running as planed. [[Check the controls|controls]] [[Back to the bridge.|bridge]]] (if: $safe is false)[The readouts show that you are about to die. You will sink into Uranus and be crushed by the pressure of its atmosphere. [[Back to controls|controls]] [[Back to bridge.|bridge]] (if: $dontWantToDie is false)[[[I DON'T WANT TO DIE!|iDontWantToDie]]]]

As you settle in, you hear a loud bang. Then, a distressing crunching noise. Next, the screeching sound of tearing metal. You start to feel wind as your oxygen begins to rush into space. [[Oh fuck.|livingQuarters]] [[Oooooh fuuuuck.|livingQuarters]] [[OOOHHHH FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!|livingQuarters]] (set: $safe to false) (set: $obstruction to true)

Sorry. [[Alright.|livingQuarters]] [[Apology accepted.|livingQuarters]] [[YOU BETTER BE, JACK HOLE.|livingQuarters]]

There was that KY Jelly by the computer... [[I'm not having this conversation right now.|livingQuarters]] [[I don't know what you are talking about.|denial]] [[It's all gone now...|allGoneNow]]

Oh no. No no no. [[Yep.|yackOnTheMachine]] [[Oh yes.|yackOnTheMachine]] [[The yack spit.|yackOnTheMachine]]

Uh huh, sure. [[I don't know what you are talking about.|livingQuarters]] [[Shut it.|livingQuarters]] [[Lalala, not listening.|livingQuarters]]

What, already? You just bought that tub. [[don't judge me.|livingQuarters]] [[uhhh... it got, um, spilled.|sure it did]] [[it gets lonely out here...|livingQuarters]]

You splash a healthy measure of yack spit on the floor, in front of the support beam, and soon have it moved out of the way. You can now reach the [[bridge]] door. Unfortunately, the yack spit will not be so easy to get off the floor. [[To the Bridge|bridge]] [[To the Living Quarters.|livingQuarters]] (set: $obstruction to false)

Sure it did. [[It did!|livingQuarters]] [[Don't judge me.|livingQuarters]] [[Go fuck yourself.|iWould]]

That would be hard without lube. [[Whatever.|livingQuarters]] [[Bite me.|livingQuarters]]

You are spinning wildly out of control, and losing oxygen fast. You have better things to be doing. [[Back to living quarters.|livingQuarters]]

You activate your shuttle's emergency beacon. Unfortunately, even if someone detects it, no one will be able to arrive in time to save you from plummeting into Uranus. [[Well great.|controls]] [[Better that than nothing|controls]] [[I didn't want help anyway|controls]] (set: $distress to true)

The door has auto-sealed behind you due to the oxygen leak. You cannot hear wind anymore; all of the air must have been blown out into space. [[Back to the bridge|bridge]] [[But I want back in there.|tryBack]] (if: $likesCoffee is true)[[[But I left my coffee in there. I NEED MY COFFEE.|tryBack]]] (if: $likesCoffee is false)[[[But I left my coffee in there. I NEED MY COFFEE.|needCoffeeLie]]]

The living quarters don't have air anymore. [[Oh, right. Nevermind then.|bridge]] [[So?|soDeath]]

You don't even like coffee. [[Oh right, I forgot about that.|bridge]] [[Well, I don't want to drink it.|what]] [[Yes I do.|liar]]

No, I know you don't. I remember. [[Fine.|bridge]] [[Oh, right.|bridge]] [[Uh, yes I do.|yesIDo]] [[YOU DON"T KNOW ME.|yesIDo]]

I know you don't like coffee because right at the first screen you clicked on "I hate coffee, why would I be drinking coffee." [[I already forgot that I did that|bridge]] [[I just wanted to see if you remembered.|bridge]] [[It was all a clever ruse.|what]] [[DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE.|what]]

What. [[Back to Bridge.|bridge]]

So, you need oxygen to live. [[Oh, alright.|bridge]]

Your engines sputter to life and set you on course for for the nearest moon of Uranus: Miranda. It will take at least 9 days to arrive. You should have plenty of food for the journey, and yack spit is mostly water. [[Great...|nextTime]] [[GREAT!|nextTime]]

Will our intrepid adventurer survive? What will be found on Uranus' moon Miranda? Tune in next time to find out! [[credits]]

Then you should stop talking to me and do something about it. [[Good point.|bridge]] [[You can't tell me what to do!|cantTellMeWhatToDo]] [[But, I find your voice soothing.|soothingVoice]] (set: $dontWantToDie to true)

You are going to die. [[Oh, right, sort of forgot.|bridge]] [[That is no excuse for rudeness.|bridge]] [[Fine, back to work, but don't think we are not going to talk about this later|bridge]]

I, um, thank you? [[You're welcome.|bridge]] [[Could you just hum a bit while I work?|hum]] [[Could you just read out this Dr. Who erotic fan fiction while I work?|eroticFiction]]

I-I guess so. [[Do Beethoven's 5th][$beethoven is true]] [[Do Don't Stop Me Now.][$queen is true]] [[Do Baby Got Back.][$mixALot is true]]

I don't know if I feel comfortable with that. [[No big deal, just thought I would give it a shot.|bridge]] [[Fine. Spoil-sport.|bridge]] [[Please, I think it would really help me survive this: remind me of what there is to live for.|ohAlright]]

DUN-NA-NA-NA DUN-NA-NA-NA. [[Back to Bridge.|bridge]]

duntdundundun duntdundundun [[Back to Bridge|bridge]]

Dunt. Dunt. da. Daaaaa. Dunt. Dunt. da. Daaaaa. [[Back To Bridge|bridge]]

Well Alright I guess. "Jack firmly grasped The Doctor's sonic screwdriver as he whispered into his ear, 'Allons-y'..." [[Back to Bridge|bridge]] (set: $drWhho to true)

A Pain In Uranus by Alexander Daigre <a href="http://www.Don-Gato.com">www.Don-Gato.com</a> Title image by Emily Catedral

↶

↷

You take a look around the inside of your space shuttle's living quarters. In front of you is a

computer monitor

, to your left is a

window

to your right is the

drink regurgitator

. In the corner a door leads to the

bridge

On your desk you have:
A steaming glass of coffee

I hate coffee, why would I be drinking coffee