{(set: $Coolness to 10)
(if: $Coolness < 1)[(set: $alive to "false")](else:)[(set: $alive to "true")]
}<h1>Awkward Silences</h1>
(if: $alive is "true")[[[**Social interaction as survival horror...**|Beginning of the End]]]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[The elevator slams shut as its denizens jockey for position.
A janitor waddles by a moment later, wheeling his mop and bucket.
"Yew godda pressint button; then it brings", he remarks in an indecipherable accent.
"No, I know", you stammer, "I just-"
"Here, is so easy, I can show...", he interrupts, as he walks over and summons the elevator for you.
"...thanks", you breathe, in a sheepish whisper. Cool, *really* cool.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 1)[**Your Coolness has suffered a minor dent.**]
The doors [[open again|Venturing Forth]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[You squeeze yourself into the wall of elbows and shoulders.
An older man with a heavy jowl shoots you a disapproving look and rolls his eyes. You're close enough to count the flakes of dandruff on the back of his neck.
The elevator [[rumbles its way down to the lobby|Caution to the Wind]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[The elevator doors finally open.
It's packed full of people in suits.
You bravely [[**venture forth**|Venturing Forth]] and wrestle your way into the crowd.
Or, playing it *cool*, you [[**don't**|Waiting for a Lift]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Suddenly, a look of pure revulsion comes over the young woman to your left.
Puzzled, you look to your right and see other faces grimacing in anguish. Then you hear an exasperated gasp behind you.
Just as your mind begins to wonder why, it hits you, like garbage on a hot summer's day marinating in the juices of [[an old wet sock...|Gas Leak]]]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[A fart so toxic that even the faux-wood panelling lining the walls of the elevator seems to recoil in disgust. Its radioactive.
Heads turn, accusingly: the inquisition begins.
Despite your innocence, you can feel multiple pairs of eyes zeroing in on your location.
They're going to pin it on you, you just [[know it|Fart Decision]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[You picked the wrong neighbour. An arched eyebrow is all that your comment is met with; the joke crashed and burned.
A few knowing glances are exchanged and the consensus seems to confirm that ancient adage of yore: "whosoever smelte it, dealte it".
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 1)[**Your Coolness has suffered a minor dent.**]
When the doors finally reopen, you [[race out of the elevator|Race Out]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[The wait, like the smell, is unbearable.
A few knowing glances are exchanged and everyone seems to be staring at you, inferring a confession of guilt from your silence.
"Blame it on the new guy", you think to yourself.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 3)[**Your Coolness has suffered a major hit!**]
32...31...It's going to be a long trip down.
When the doors finally reopen, you [[race out of the elevator|Race Out]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[You brush off the embarrassing episode in the elevator like a champ. No room for any uncoolness, what with the [[blind date|Blind Date]] you're rushing out to meet for dinner.
Or, brazenly blowing off your blind date, you [[order in|Order In]] and spend your evening drowning your sorrows in monosodium glutamate and binging on games until you transcend the fourth dimension.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")["So", you say as you settle into your seats at the restaurant, "I've really been getting into this new band, [[Expel Ten|Expel Ten]]. You heard of them?"
Or, as a [[bold opening salvo|Bold Salvo]], you elect to describe the elevator fart and its aftermath.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[The awkwardness never takes care of itself.
You set about studying the price gradation of tuna rolls as you scour the depths of your imagination for something to say.
Distinctly unimpressed at your display, your date has calmly got up from the table and walked out of the restaurant without you noticing, what with your head being buried in the menu and all.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 2)[**Your Coolness has suffered a glancing blow**]
You don't know how long its been by the time you realize. Mortified, you [[settle up|Mortified]] and scurry off.
Or, stewing in the awkwardness, you [[gorge yourself|Tempura]] on tempura.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")["Sorry?", your date says, "I missed that, the table behind me is super loud".
"Umm, oh, it's nothing", you whimper, "these forks are cool, that's all".
Barely mustering more than a nod and a polite smile, your date says "yeah...I'm just going to go wash my hands".
After the twentieth minute rolls by, you realize your date has ended prematurely and wonder whether its too late to cancel the order.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 1)[**Your Coolness has suffered a minor dent.**]
Mortified, you [[settle up|Mortified]] and scurry off.
Or, stewing in the awkwardness, you [[gorge yourself|Tempura]] on tempura.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[You refuse to allow repeated moments of abject humiliation stop you from living life to its utmost, but instead you [[press on|Press On]], boldly. What a trooper.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 1)[**Your Coolness has suffered a minor dent.**]]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[A new day beckons and further opportunities for humiliation yet abound, particularly since you've had this day circled on your calendar for weeks.
That's right: it's the fourth annual Young Entrepreneurs' Network Conference, where *industry gamechangers* talk about how much they all enjoy *harnessing the power of social media* and *leveraging key deliverables* in a *competitive globalized marketplace*.
But, this morning you just feel right: this is your moment; your [[time to shine|Masterpiece]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Decked out in your sharpest business attire, you find some of your work colleagues gathered around a booth.
"...generating an outstanding quarterly growth outlook in the short-to-medium term", exclaims your assistant regional manager with feigned enthusiasm. Heads begin nodding in eager agreement as you approach the group.
"That's an outstanding point, Karen", you offer as you settle into your strongest [[suit-stance|Suit-Stance]]. "Now, is your read of the metrics that the market drivers out there are directing high-yield growth for our own projections, going-forward?"
Or, you silently squeeze your way into the corner of the conversation with a few well-placed head-nods of your own, allowing Kevin, your obsequious office rival, to intercede with some effulgent praise. [["Outstanding point"|Kevin]], he oozes unctuously, before turning to stare daggers at you.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
**The atoms holding together the essence of your being split apart as you explode into a plume of irredeemable uncoolness.**
Your end came too soon. To attempt to redeem yourself, [[play again|Start]](display: "Status")
<hr>
<hr>{
(if: $Coolness <= 0)[(set:$alive to "false")]
(if: $Coolness is 10)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "ten")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 9)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "nine")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 8)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "eight")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 7)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "seven")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 6)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "six")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 5)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "five")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 4)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "four")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 3)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "three")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 2)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "two")]
(elseif: $Coolness is 1)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "one")]
(elseif: $Coolness < 1)[(set: $Coolnessstring to "zero")]
}(if: $alive is "true")[
*Your current Coolness is $Coolnessstring. When your Coolness reaches zero, you will explode.*](else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(if: $Coolness is 1 and $alive is "true")[
(text-color:red)[*WARNING: COOLNESS AT CRITICALLY-LOW LEVELS*]]
(if: $alive is "true")[With [[a confident smirk|Smirk]] you turn to your neighbour and say: "they must've gone to that Cambodian place for lunch; happened to me last week."
Or you [[bury your head stoically|Bury Your Head]], and hope to ride out the awkwardness in silence.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[You know who you are, and you know what you want in life: single-player PC RPGs.
Your date will get over it. No good could ever have come from the [[awkwardness|Press On]] that would have been unleashed on this earth had you gone on an upteenth blind date this week.
(set: $Coolness to 10)[**Your Coolness has been fully restored.**]]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[The satisfying crunch of the battered salty goodness sends a tremor of endogenous opioids through your synapses, as the pain of your awkwardness recedes from your memory.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness + 2)[**Your Coolness has been partially restored.**]
You refuse to allow repeated moments of abject humiliation stop you from living life to its utmost, but instead you [[press on|Press On]], boldly. What a trooper.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")["Oh yeah, they're cool...I guess", comes the hesitant response. "I mean, if you were born after 2005".
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 2)[**Your Coolness has suffered a glancing blow!**]
The seconds tick by at a snail's pace. Somebody needs to say something, [[fast|Fast]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")["...so the moral of the story is: the newest arrival always gets blamed for an elevator fart. Cruel world, we live in. Cruel, cruel world", you say with your tongue firmly placed in your cheek.
Your date couldn't agree more, it seems, and the elevator fart has well and truly [[broken the ice|Ice Breaking]].
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness + 2)[**Your Coolness has been partially restored.**]]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Panicking, you look down for a moment. [["These are cool forks"|Forks]], you blurt out, without really thinking what you're actually saying.
Grateful that rereading the menu of overpriced sushi offers a [[fleeting moment of respite|Respite]] from the burden of forced conversation, you keep your head down and hope the awkwardness just takes care of itself this time.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Just as the words finish spilling out of your mouth, you realize your fateful error: Karen is the company's senior procurement officer, **not** the assistant regional mamager, you fool! Unfortunately, everyone else heard you too. Now, they're all staring at you.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 3)[**Your Coolness has suffered a major hit.**]
"I mean [[Andrea|Andrea]]! I'm so sorry; had a long night last night! Hehe...", you plead, pathetically.
Or, you [[coolly|Coolly]] pretend you and everyone else hadn't noticed and hope someone breaks the silence, soon.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Kevin looks at you up-and-down with a self-satisfied smirk.
"Oh", he adds 'helpfully', leaning over and whispering loudly enough for everyone to hear him, "by the way, your shirt is [[inside-out|Inside-Out]]".
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 2)[**Your Coolness has suffered a glancing blow!**]]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[You and your date are now well into your cups and the things are going swimmingly.
"...so, my apartment is just around the corner", your date says with a raised eyebrow, "and I've got a few extra bottles lying around..."
"How can I turn down an [[offer|Offer]] that delicious?", you respond.
Or, seeing how late it is and how much you have to do tomorrow, you make your apologies, settle up and [[head home|Press On]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")["Sit tight", your date says suggestively as you gaze out on the expanse of city lights from the balcony window, "I'll be right back".
After a brief moment of quiet, you hear the bathroom door open behind you.
"Are you ready for your [[spanking|Spanking]] yet?", you ask without turning around, letting your tipsiness overwhelm your inhibitions.
Or, hearing footsteps behind you, you simply [[turn around|Turn Around]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Your invitation is met with a deathly silence.
Rather than seeing your date standing behind you as you turn around, your eyes are met with the sight of a rotund, bearded man in a *Flinstone's* bathrobe, staring at you intently. He looks oddly familiar, but you can't quite place him.
"Why doo yew come on my house, pliss?", he inquires in an indecipherable accent.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 3)[**Your Coolness has suffered a major hit!**]
"Oh, umm, I thought this was a...never mind. I'll just be going", you stammer, [[cutting your losses|Press On]] for the evening and grabbing a cab home.
Or, you simply say: "Sex. I'm here for [[sex|Sex]]. At least, I was."]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Your date emerges from the bathroom clad in sleek black leather and brandishing a pair of whips.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 1)[**Your Coolness has suffered a minor dent.**]
"Umm...*cool*. Yeah. Nice outfit. Well, it's been fun", you say before heading for the door and grabbing a [[cab home|Press On]].
"What took you so long?", you ask. "Get over here and show me how [[bad|Bad]] I've been".]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")["Yew come on my house to make sex on *me*?", the man answers incredulously. "How doo yew enter this place?! I call to Poliss now so yew godda go from this place. Okaythanks?"
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 2)[**Your Coolness has suffered a glancing blow!**]
"Okaythanks! Okaythanks! I'm sorry", you offer apologetically, before rushing back home and hoping the drunkenness and humiliation wear off before you have to get up for work in...[[three and a half hours!|Press On]]]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Well, it's 5:27am on a school night, you're still drunk and now you can't walk anymore.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 3)[**Your Coolness (and your body) have suffered a major hit.**]
Get a hold of yourself and go home you [[degenerate|Press On]].]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[You sense that the thought bubble over Andrea's head would read: "why did I ever let head office hire this mug?", though she manages to force her mouth into a deliberately concilitory smile, just as she records and files this moment in her memory banks for future reference.
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 1)[**Your Coolness has suffered a minor dent.**]
"So", Kevin interjects, "is that long night the reason why your shirt is [[inside-out|Inside-Out]]?"]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[The seconds feel like millennia. Everyone is stewing in the wasteland of silent awkwardness you've inflicted on the group.
Kevin's eyes widen with delight and he turns to you and says, in a tone dripping with the cheapest sarcasm: "Oh, actually, this is Andrea. Karen is our senior procurement officer over in head office".
(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 1)[**Your Coolness has suffered a minor dent.**]
"Figured I could get away with no one noticing that", you retort with a confident smile, "had a [[wild one|Kevin]] last night; I'll spare you the details, Kevin".]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[Turning beet red with anger you say, "its a [[subversive gesture of defiance|Victory!]] against the hegemony of the corporatist, neoliberal, patriarchal hierarchy currently running our quasi-fuedal garbage-factory of a planet, Kevin. But I wouldn't expect a fawning sycophant like you to understand."
Or, you make your [[apologies|Apologies]] and slink away to the washroom to put yourself back together again.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[**Your Coolness is constant as the Northern Star, eternal and unchanging.**
[[Play again|Start]], Champion.]
(set: $Coolness to 10)[**Your Coolness has been fully and permanently restored.**]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")
(if: $alive is "true")[(set: $Coolness to $Coolness - 10)[**Your Coolness has suffered an existential crisis and must be remade anew.**]
The bathroom stalls in the convention centre aren't exactly the best place to be getting undressed. Your elbows slam against the sides of the stall as you try flipping the sleeves of your creased shirt, your mind suddenly collides against the devastating realization that your life up until this point has been lived in a perpetual state of fear. Fear of failure, and rejection. Fear of disappointment. The Kevins of this world, too, have been forged in the fires of this same fear. Like the rest of us, you are utterly lost.]
(else:)[ [[Game Over]]]
(display: "Status")