red string of fate

at the start, there was you, and there was me. the first time i saw you, you looked interesting. you weren't [[the most beautiful person->person - daniel bristow]] i'd ever seen, or even the most attractive person in the room. but there was something about you. maybe it was the way you played with your [[hair->your hair]] (as if you didn't know exactly what you were doing- ((as if i didn't know exactly what you were doing- (((as if i didn't pretend like you knew exactly what you were doing))) or maybe it was that half-smile you gave everyone, the smirk you reserved for your friends, and the brilliant grin you gave things that caught your eye. like that [[poster->poster - music]], or those [[lillies->lily]], or [[me->first meeting]]. [ ACHIEVEMENT P: DISCOVERING OUR PROTAGONISTS' (ONE-OFF) NAMES ]

( that would've been daniel bristow, by the way ) remember him? he exuded youth and hot-blooded impetuousness. that raven hair and those surprisingly light brown eyes. the air of a summer child, made only more obvious by his beachy tan. now //he// was immediately striking and, yes, beautiful.

honestly, it wasn't even your messily tousled curls that did it, or the sunlight highlighting the autumnal hazel just right, it was the way you always touched it. ( i'm sure you remember that i have a thing for boys touching their hair ) maybe you'd push it to the side, or the back, or you'd just r -----------------u --------------------n your fingers through it ( did you know what you were doing? i never figured out if you could tell, even then )

the only reason i still remember that poster ( aside from the fact that, of course, naturally- i remember everything about that day ) is because it was //so// weird and //so// us. it was some sort of casual musical gathering, promising board games whilst singing along to showstopping broadway tunes. ( yeah, i know! )

did you ever find it weird that we both always loved lillies-of-the-valley? i mean, our tastes changed with basically every renewal, and yet i can't ever remember a time when we didn't like lillies-of-the-valley. you know, i looked it up ( the wonders of the internet, am i right? ) and apparently, in the victorian era, it meant "return of life's happiness" amongst various other things. i find that pretty interesting.

i had no idea that us meeting would literally change [[our lives]], but hey, who ever thinks that? comparatively, however, our first meeting was really quite anticlimatic. you'd moved on from the poster to survey the university's [[gardens]], and i slipped out to do the same. and, alright, also to [[talk to you]]. (i feel like i've always been [[the more open one]] in [[this relationship ->the happiness machine]]) it's not like the [[gardens]] weren't absolutely gorgeous, or anything. it's just that you can see hyacinths and peonies anywhere. there's only one of you (at any one time, anyway), and you were far more intriguing. it turned out that the same thought hadn't entirely passed you by, because you turned around with an expectant [[smile]], and my heart [[fluttered]], trapped in the birdcage of my chest. your [[composure]] was always so incredible. i respected you so much for that.

i've written so many things to you: [[letters]] [[emails]] [[post-it notes]] [[fridge magnet poems]] [[confessions]] i've never sent a single one (at least, not this time) maybe it's for the ==better== best. we don't need that sort of things complicating our lives any more. not [[now]].

it would be a shame not to try to do justice to those gardens, though. you could feel the care that had been put into every carefully colour-blocked curation, into ensuring the compatibility between species, into the individually handwritten placards. besides, it feels wrong not to somehow make up for //you//, without permission i'm pretty sure, plucking those three roses.

there's so much to love about you. if i had to pick one thing about you that i found the most beautiful ... would it be [[your hair]]? your eyes? or maybe your smile. we would always be different people, but something you never lost was that quiet self-assurance. a confidence that lent itself to what you were doing, to being there, to your very existence. it was a sort of charisma, i suppose, that suggested that you knew what you were doing was right. that said that you would never doubt that you deserved to be alive. and that showed in the half-moon smiles you would always give. restrained, like you were always holding back, even though you knew that you didn't need to. maybe you were afraid of being too intense. or maybe you were so confident that you didn't need to shine as brilliantly as you could. an act of ... cowardice? an act of ... charity? ( looking back, i still can't tell. ) but, when you *did* laugh - when you grinned, when you beamed, when you smiled the way you did at me that first day - you smiled openly, toothily, sweetly. you allowed people to see you vulnerable. and it's beautiful. maybe that's what i loved most about you: your smile.

**twitterpated**: *(n.)* 1. the flighty exciting feeling you get when you think about / see the object of your affection. we like to use such gentle words for love. soft and affectionate, like snuggling together in bed on a cold winter's night, or sitting by the fireplace with hot chocolate and marshmallows. but let me tell you about the first stage of love - the passion, the excitement, the infatuation. the **'B O O M'**. like the way my pulse skyrocketed when you looked at me. like the way i stopped breathing, completely and utterly helpless. like the way i fell, hurtling towards the ground with no end in sight. [ ACHIEVEMENT A: STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE ]

i would be lying if i didn't say that i like a little bit of a challenge, if only because mysteries intrigue me. and let me tell you: you were never ever boring. the way you'd immediately draw attention was the understated way you held yourself. you looked so aloof, yet dignified. you looked lost in your own world and unapproachable. you looked like nobody had ever known [[how to love you]].

you know, sometimes i wonder if this was worth it. i mean, why did we say no? why did we say no to infinite happiness? isn't that what we wanted? to be together and happy? so why did we say no? for some idealised, fanciful notion of "authenticity"? hah. yeah, right. what does that matter? we could've been happy. instead we're doing- god knows what. [ ACHIEVEMENT A: REFUSING THE HAPPINESS MACHINE ]

was i the one who pushed for authenticity? for truth? i imagine so. i've always been a fan of candor. with honesty comes communication and trust. give me the ugly truth over the beautiful lie, always. but maybe that's a problem. because, well. which are we?

in the worst cases, i try to forget ever meeting you. sometimes, i succeed. sometimes, i don't. but it's always painful. not, really, that "the worst cases" are ever too terrible - you have never become a serial killer, or a dictator, or anything heartrending like that. but you *have* cheated on me. and you *have* moved on. and you *have* led us down a path of self-destruction. sometimes, i try to rebuild myself. sometimes, i succeed. sometimes, i don't. maybe it's through a career. right now, i work for the peace corps. maybe it's through someone else. maybe it's through personal development. i'm glad to say that most of the time, i've been able to bounce back. to stay healthy, happy, and sane. to be independent and not think about you (and what might have been) or you (and what i did wrong) or you (and what you are doing without me now). but sometimes, i don't.

you stopped by a rosebush and [[i did too]]. you were a computer science major, and although you knew many things, you didn't know very much about flowers. rosa bonica 82, you said to me, gazing thoughtfully at the delicate pink blooms. and then you stopped, because you really didn't know very much about flowers. and i [[laughed]], because god, that was adorable. it was a shame, really, that you'd gone to the gardens and not, say, to the computer labs. maybe you'd have been able to better show off your knowledge. or, maybe it's not a shame. because that mistake only made you more interesting. more flawed, more human, more real. more like someone i could actually get to know, and not [[some unattainable ideal]].

if your hamartia was a lack of self-awareness, mine was self-denial. i always had these ridiculous expectations of things. of life, of people, of myself. i used to have one of you, too. i thought that you would always be noble and clever and compassionate. i thought that, together, we could be perfect. i thought that it might never end. well, i've been proven wrong on all three counts. i think that's a good thing, though. i have these ideals. (and no, i don't mean the ones i have about [[changing the world]]) and i think they need to be knocked down a peg or two.

i've never liked my laugh. it's too loud, too ebullient, too high-pitched. but, oh, you made me love it. whenever i laughed, you would give me that smile; that low chuckle that spread fire in my belly, like warm spided cider during christmas; you would spin me around, and i would feel infinitely lighter than air, like i could do anything, so long as i stayed in [[your arms]]. [ ACHIEVEMENT O: BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME ]

you haven't always been taller than me, but i think i like you best when you are. ( maybe that's wrong. maybe i should love you equally the same, no matter what. if that's true- i'm sorry ) because even though you tend to be hurt more, i think i like security more, and no place has felt more safe than your arms. you know how people say that home is where the heart is? well, i think that's it for me - nothing has felt more like home than being in your arms, listening to your unsteady heartbeat against my ear.

i used to think that i was always one step behind you. your mind was absolutely [[brilliant]], and i think that's why i loved you. few people could ever keep up with you, and i was just proud to know that i held the heart of someone so intelligent, so witty, so incredible. but then i learned that even genii are infallible. i realised that we are all human, and that there's not nearly enough time in the world for me to waste it on placing you on a pedestal. so slowly, i tried to catch up to you. it's been [[centuries]], but i think, maybe, just maybe, i can walk by your side now.

honestly, i never used to see what you saw in me. **you** were like the sun: you shone so bright that i thought you would never go out. people looked at you, and they couldn't help but think that you were going places. people looked at me, and, well. they didn't see very much. by now i've learned that a mind like yours means dealing with callousness, ambition, arrogance. but it also means scintillating dinner conversation; a fun-fact-of-the-day on the fridge; hilariously nerdy inside jokes; secret love letters encrypted in our made-up language; a friendly partner-in-crime when binge-watching or trying to master a skill or reading the latest instalment of our favourite book series. and i would never give that up, not even for [[the world]].

would i give up the world for us? would i give up the world for you? i hope these are questions i'll never have to answer, because i still don't know. i used to think- no, but then maybe, yes. and then no, again. are you worth that much? are **we** worth that much? ... are we worth more than our friends? (and, right away, i think, *no! god, no!*) but would i give up our friends for you? would i doom the world to be with you? i don't know. ( i don't ever want to know. )

we have been through so fucking much. remember when we were rival pirates? we both got gunned down by the british navy and thrown into jail, and then we [[escaped together]]. remember when [[we got married]]? we've only ever been married seventy eight times. the third time, you [[cheated on me]]. remember when we had [[with other people]]? it's happened more often than you'd think, for soulmates. remember when [[we were happy]]? yeah, [[me neither]]- no, no, i'm just kidding. you do [[make me happy]]. ( fortunately, you're [[not the only thing]] that does )

Dear Alexander, How have you been? ( i miss you ) I've been doing well. [[Ambrosia]] just gave birth to five kittens. I have no idea who the tomcat she's been with is, but I would love to meet him! ( maybe you do, too? ) I was wondering ( would you like to come see them? do you want one? do you want to have lunch? ) whether it has snowed in Luxembourg too. ( remember when we had a snowball fight in the woods, and i tripped and sprained my ankle, so you ended up carrying me back to the lodge? did you still love me then? ) Well, that's all for now ( it will never ever be enough. i will never run out of things to say to you ). I hope that you can find time in your day to write me back! ( please please reply ) ( ever ) Yours, Liz [ ACHIEVEMENT P: DISCOVERING OUR PROTAGONISTS' (ONE-OFF) NAMES ]

an absolutely gorgeous lilac snowshoe cat, we'd adopted her within a month of moving in together. we raised her together for three years, before you left. before you fell in love with [[her]].

one day, you looked me in the eyes, and you said that you had fallen for somebody else. you reassured me that it was not my fault, that nothing physical had happened between you two, and that all things must come to an end. i slapped you. what did she have that i didn't? was it her hair? black like the night sky and just as long. was it her eyes? unfathomable like the ocean's depths and just as cold. was it her personality? unfailingly kind and cheerful and thoughtful. i understand, now, that being soulmates doesn't mean that we won't fall in love with other people. relationships aren't that easy. love isn't that easy. i understand, now, that i shouldn't have slapped you. but somehow, it seems unfair that it's always you, you, you- falling in love with other people. it never seems to happen to me.

Hey. See the domain up there? I'm working for The Wall Street Journal now! You know, I don't even know if you still check this email. It's been, what, three years? God, I have a boyfriend. **You** have a boyfriend, I think. Maybe you two broke up. I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry that I expected so much, I'm sorry that I was so confusing, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I hope that you still love me. Actually, no, I hope that you don't. It's probably better if only one of us has to go through this kind of pain. But, I mean, do you ever think about me? Maybe? What am I even doing with my life? ... [WARNING: ONCE DELETED, YOU CANNOT RECOVER YOUR MESSAGE]

"i'll try harder this time."

hollow bones empty closets platinum on the floor did you know this would happen? when you closed the door gently, gently, ever so gently when you wrote me that note, like it was enough because, i guess, you think that saying sorry and thank you is enough but it's not, because, for god's sake- now i'm sprawled on the floor and i'm trying to pick up the shards of what's left like an archaelogist analysing an ancient dig site where did we go wrong? when did you stop wanting to be with me? how loud was the sound of my heart breaking, and did you hear it when you left?

When I first saw you, I thought, he's going to break my heart. You weren't like anybody else. You were mesmerising, stunning, special. You did what nobody else could - you could run faster, jump higher, do more. Somehow, you made better use of 24 hours than anyone else in the world. And, oh god, your genes must have been heaven-sent. Chiseled cheekbones and a sculpted jawline and that smattering of freckles. Soothing blue eyes and wavy brown hair and a voice like honey. Even better, you understood me. Or, even when you didn't, it didn't matter - because you cared about me. You wanted me to be happy, or to at least be okay. You were patient when I was bitchy, considerate when I needed space, and steadfast in your love. When I came crying to you about my OTP breaking up, you would pat my head and kiss my tears away with an amused smile. We read in the secluded corners of libraries, in tucked-away vintage bookshops, in dusty memory-worn attics. We danced in thunderstorms and watched the stars and photographed lunar eclipses. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I will never have enough time to say that enough. I can only hope that one day, you will let me tell you that.

[21st of January, 2004] Dear Diary, Josh proposed to me today. It wasn't the most unexpected thing in the world (he's been hinting at it for ages, the sweetheart), but ... I was surprised when it actually happened. He set up a midnight movie screening in the park and, in hindsight, it seems so obvious, but still - I was surprised. I said yes, of course. I hope that I'm not making a mistake. Josh is too good a person to deserve that.

when it happened, i thought i was done. i remember standing on the roof in the pouring rain and thinking, this isn't such a bad way to go. and then i remember thinking about what life was like before you. i had thrived before i had met you, and i would survive being without you too. so i stepped off that ledge. i have never again gotten on it because of you. [ ACHIEVEMENT S: BECAUSE I LOVED YOU ]

it was beautiful. our musical friends sang for us. the symphonic orchestra provided the backing. sakura blossoms reminded us that this was just the beginning. they say that your wedding day is the best day of your life, but to be honest, you helped make sure it wasn't, because every day after that was a reminder that we had promised to be true to each other. waking up to coffee and breakfast in bed. the rare moments when i woke up before you and you looked so peaceful and unhurried and content. holding hands whilst playing split-screen to see who could beat the other. shame that not every life was like that. [ ACHIEVEMENT N: ROSE-TINTED GLASSES ]

i'm not quite sure who fell for the other first. i know that when i first saw you, i was decidedly **not** in love. sure, you were toned and excellent with a cutlass - but so was i. besides, we were both ridiculously snarky, and rudeness wasn't exactly a quality i looked for in a partner. i know that when we were locked up, i was decidedly **not** in love with you. why would i be? you'd very much botched up what should have been an easy haul. i had a flawless track record for evading the british navy, and somehow, you had fucked that up. i know that when we started passing notes, i was decidedly **not** in love with you. i was terse, business-like, brief. we were getting out of there, and then i'd never have you to see you again. i know that when you invited me onto the ship for a spin as the sun rose, i was probably **not** in love with you. i have a soft spot for dawn, and as the sky burst into streaks of pastel, i appreciated your sharp inhalation, as if you too realised that we were so, so lucky to be alive. i know that when you asked me, very seriously, to be your first mate, i was maybe **not** in love with you. what kind of woman would settle for inequality? what kind of *pirate* would compromise their principles? i know that when i told you there was no way in hell i would only be your *first mate*, you were in love with me. and maybe i was in love with you, too. [ ACHIEVEMENT I: TSUNDERE ALERT ]

during the darkest times, i think maybe we would be better off if we had never met. maybe i wouldn't sacrifice [[the world]], but god knows that we have compromised so much more. and what was it all for? for a shot at true love - whatever that is? because we thought that we *should be*, *had to be* together? loving you shouldn't be this hard.

**things that make me happy:** * 7-hour phone calls about anything and nothing * the first time you told me you loved me * butterfly kisses on your shoulder as you play an MMORPG * your voice saying that everything is going to be okay * taking showers together * singing duets - any duets! - with each other * dancing to the most inane, mainstream pop * catching your eye as we laugh at an inside joke * playing footsie when we eat out with our friends * dropping your name in just about every conversation * writing silly little love poems * staying up to make your birthday present * our friends' teasing * lying on a grassy hill and quietly staring at the sky * watching shit movies on the vcr * arguing about georgia vs times new roman * never letting you pay more than half the bill * making mixtapes for valentines car rides * looking into those beautiful eyes and knowing that you love me

but do i make you happy? i know that i help steady you. you never fail to mention how grateful you are for my faith, empathy, dedication. but do i make you *happy*? i've seen you with other people, and i've noticed the way your eyes light up when you finally - finally! - find somebody who can match your mental fortitude. i can recognise the furiously quickening back-and-forth that comes with stimulating discussion. so do i make you ***happy***? this isn't a question of my self-worth, this is a question of whether we should be together. [ ACHIEVEMENT G: ASKING THE HARD QUESTIONS ]

there is [[so much more]] to life. the world is bigger than you, or me. it's even bigger than us. i have almost committed suicide for you. you have committed homicide for us. we have done unspeakable things in the name of love. is it worth it? in the end, was this all worth it? i sit here at your favourite writing desk, and i type away at this typewriter, because, god, i hope i'm wrong when i say that i this might be the end. i never used to remember *us*. i never used to know that we had met before. but i'm not sure being wrong would be a good thing. because maybe, just maybe, we **were** wrong. maybe we shouldn't be together. maybe together, we cause the world to end. or maybe we just never quite make each other as happy as we should be. maybe we've made the wrong choice all along and we really aren't soulmates, if soulmates even exist. but then i think about: * the scrawlings in the margins. about the library book we defaced, avoiding a face-to-face meeting and enjoying the silent conversation far too much * the fact that you have been my best and staunchest friend. even when we weren't together, i wanted to talk to you, about my day, about your day, about life. i have learned to imagine life without you. i just don't want to * the fact that we could fall in love during a war * the way you made everything else seem just a little duller, and how when you left, nothing felt quite the same * the comfortable silences * looking around and thinking about how lucky we are to be alive * how we constantly balanced and rebalanced to make the best of everything * how i never not loved you * dancing in an empty studio, shafts of golden light dappling the wooden floor * always believing in you, even when you didn't believe in yourself * wanting to be better, because of you * being at a loss for words, because you are just so many words that have yet to be invented * the fire in your eyes, so bright that it seared my soul * your voice, so fraught with heartache, but the clearest and purest thing i have ever known * uncertainty and pretending that i don't love you * how others wanted you to be much simpler than you are * the star-studded universes contained within your mind * the many books i loved that you read, like tiny little recommendations * how you made life feel more vibrant, more tangible, more real * being your anchor, even as you were my lighthouse * forgetting about you long enough to forget why i needed to * never giving up [[hope]]

**things that make me happy (part 2):** * going to a concert and losing myself in the thumping bass * picking flowers and making daisy chains with my girlfriend * twirling in the rain in a deserted carpark at night * not breathing after reading a particularly intense segment of a book * eating ice cream and screaming at two people to juST GET TOGETHER ALREADY! * staying in pyjamas all day * karaoke night and pizza with friends * sneaking into the line of a midnight movie premiere * book signings with my favourite authors * adopting tiny, smol animals * fangirling on tumblr * secretly shopping for christmas presents two months in advance * scratching furiously away at a poem request * roleplaying with my writer friend * staying up to comfort my best friend * whispered conversations during a sleepover * warm, enveloping hugs * pats on the head * affectionate hair ruffles * having the house to myself and blasting music through hi-def speakers [ ACHIEVEMENT L: LIFE LESSONS ABOUT INDEPENDENCE ]

you've been gone for a year, now. maybe it's time to see you again. or maybe after i've written all this out, i'll just lie here and have a long, hard, think. because maybe i shouldn't want to see you again. maybe things are better this way. or maybe this is another chance. either way, this must have happened for a reason ( then again, isn't that what got us here in the first place? thinking that there's something more? bigger than us, like destiny or something? ) and i intend to find out what it is. so, i guess, i'm going to have to go all the way back, and figure out exactly what happened. what we did right, and what we didn't. maybe then, next time, we can do things right. maybe this is a beginning. maybe it's an end. but, for the first time - i remember. you're not here, and i remember. and i'm going to have to do something with that knowledge. maybe i'll decide that we are completely incompatible, and that we need to spend the next cycle staying away from each other and actually being happy. or, maybe, i won't. [ ACHIEVEMENT N: REACHING THE END ]

you have caused me so much heartbreak. and, really, i don't think my brother was wrong to have punched you in the face. but, to an extent, i can understand why you did so. for some reason, you usually end up worse off than me. something in your childhood, maybe. something that traumatised you. something that left you breakable and fragile to the touch. for all the hurt you caused me, i never experienced as much pain as you did.

something else i admired you for was that you shared my love of humanity. i've never been absolutely sure of what i wanted to do - but i do know that i want to help people. maybe it's saving their lives, or maybe it's helping them find happiness, or maybe it's just being there for them. you've always been slightly more flamboyant in that regard - you wanted to lead a revolution, to create utopia. i'm proud of us both for having accomplished our goals, though.