why do i feel sad today

You've got a tarot deck and a Lenormand deck. They can be used in different ways, but you mostly use them as a psuedo-random prompt for self-reflection. What does the Death card mean to you in the context of today?\n\nThe cards hold no mysticism for you, and your teenage 'skeptical atheist' self would roll her eyes so hard at this. And sometimes you do draw a card and immediately laugh and put it away. But there's always been value in stories and metaphors, and you've found it a useful tool.\n\nIf nothing else, it gives you a space to [[breathe.|Breathe.]]

Ok, next one down.\n\n3. Have I had a nice homecooked meal recently?\n\nYou like cooking, when you are actually at home and able to, and if you have had the energy to remember to cook something, or have prepared in advance a shopping list, and if you don't get overcome by the memories of cooking with a loved one.\n\nBut most of the week on the road you eat out and while it's fine, sometimes you just want to eat a salad. And you know that you're pretty bad about that, sometimes. \n\nYour friends have all started buying the same cookbook and comparing notes and cooking for each other. It's nice.\n\nSo, is this relevant?\n\n[[Yeah.|next steps]]\n[[No.|q4]]

Ok so, the next one is\n\n2. Have I had enough sleep?\n\nWhich is hard to answer, sometimes, because with the travel you do for work you feel tired almost all the time. But you started a sleep tracker for a reason, a helpful overview of what times you are sleeping between. \n\nIt's hard to fall asleep sometimes too. But that's ok, you have a different list for that.\n\nIn any case, do you think this is relevant?\n\n[[Yes.|next steps]]\n[[No.|q3]]

It's time for the obvious one:\n\n5. Have I taken my meds?\n\nBit of a silly question, as you've taken asthma medication every day since you were a toddler, so taking antidepressants every morning doesn't even make you flinch. But it's there for a reason, because it's always worth double checking.\n\n[[Yes, of course you took them.|q6]]\n[[Oh.|next steps]]

A Mood. You sometimes feel silly for calling it that, but it helps soften the blow of a swirling tangled mass of emotions you have only just recently understood how to disect.\n\nInstead of wrestling with the rat king of anxiety, depression and a host of insecurities, it's a meme. You can make an image macro about it. You probably already have.\n\nIt has helped you to [[acknowledge]] it. And soon you will [[understand]] it.

Ah, the big one.\n\n7. Am I lonely?\n\nWell, that's a loaded question, thanks Past You. \n\nBut you know what you meant. Life on the road can be really isolating, and living by yourself, while great, tends towards hermithood. \n\nFortunately in this day and age everyone is just a wifi connection away. You can message your [[friends|friend]], call your mum, and even if it's 3am and you can't sleep one of your best pals over in the US will probably be around to chat to. \n\nYou're definitely not going to even think about dating.\n\nDoes this apply?\n\n[[Yeah.|next steps]]\n[[No.|q8]]

Your therapist calls it 'noticing', like somehow you've never noticed that you were sad all the time before. But now it kind of makes sense, in a way that you still can't explain.\n\nIt is an objective abstract, part of you to be examined and [[understood|understand]]. Clench your fists tight, then relax. Take a breath. And stop.

Right.\n\n8. Actually... there isn't a question 8. You thought you'd covered all your key Mood Triggers, but maybe there's something new. Or maybe you just didn't want to admit that one of the others applies.\n\nYou better go back to your [[list|Why do I feel sad today?]] and start over.\n\nAnd if you think it's something else, you should add a new question to ask yourself - Present You and Past You have to work together to look out for Future You.

You started a bullet journal this year. It's really helping. You've poured so much of your organisational and analytical energy into your work life in the last 18 months, to great success. Is there any reason why that wouldn't work for your personal life?\n\nNot really. But to keep the separation, you've undigitised your private life. All your health trackers are now analogue, your lists all written with coloured pens and decorated with cute stickers. Who knew that colouring in a square every day could be so motivational to you.\n\nYou turn to the page titled\n\n[[Why do I feel sad today?]]

Getting further down the list now.\n\n6. Do I need to book some annual leave?\n\nYou've burned out before trying to juggle your mental health and work, and been signed off in the past. Your current boss is very supportive and understands that you need to switch off. \n\nYou need to stop feeling guilty about not pulling your weight when other team members don't take any of their holiday - that's their own problem to deal with. You don't need to martyr yourself, and when you travel your personal life is on hold anyway. \n\nYou accrue TOIL and Annual Leave, so use them. If you start to feel like you just need to stop, you know you're in need of a break.\n\n[[Ok.|next steps]]\n[[Nope, it's not this.|q7]]

Yeah, it's at the top for a reason. Since you got your coil, your periods have been regular but very light, so light you kind of forget they exist.\n\nStill hasn't stopped the sensitivity and crying that comes with it.\n\nSo, is this relevant?\n\n[[Yes.|next steps]]\n[[No.|q2]]

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It's a weight on you, like a thick blanket, it's a quivering knot in your gut, it's a sparking sensation stabbing the center of your mind.\n\nThe tears are boiling in your eyes and your throat is thick and catching. \n\nIt is the onset of a [[Mood]].\n\nThe first step is to [[acknowledge]] it. The second is to [[understand]] it.\n

You close your eyes, take some breaths.\n\nOpen your eyes, turn to a fresh journal page, and start to write.\n\nThe knot will dissolve, the quivering will ease. \n\n-----\n\nThis is not the end.\n

You and your friends joke a lot about asking if you've drank enough water, like somehow as a bunch of thirty-something women you have managed to make it this far in life without understanding that you can get thirsty. You've never quite got it, because you've always drank like a fish and have the bladder of a puppy.\n\nBut now...now you get it. You get the reasoning behind the question, after the fifth time in a day you've sent a [[friend]] a message that goes \n\nwhy am I crying??? \n\nand they respond with \n\nyou told me your period started, pal, that always makes you sad\n\nIt's somehow funny, really, that you have the ability to forget your own basic physical and emotional needs. But you know that now, and you have a plan. \n\nIt's time to reach for your [[journal]].

There's a list of questions to ask yourself. To [[understand]] where that knot has come from, where abouts that fluttering tension is sitting.\n\nIt's written in your own hand. The questions are calm, gentle, and poking a little bit of fun, in the way you know you'll appreciate. Because you wrote it, and you're asking yourself these questions, you know you can trust it. \n\nSo here we go:\n\n1. Am I on my [[period]]?\n

Why do I feel sad today?

You've identified it. You can hold it in your mind, your outstretched hand, and visualise the trigger for the Mood. It's not the source, no, that's years of learned behaviour and unstable brain chemicals, but it's the little switch that's activating all the unhelpful thoughts and feelings that swarm through your brain and body.\n\nYou've acknowledged it, you've identified it, and now...now you have to do something to address it. Or at least that's what works for you.\n\nYou draw a [[card|tarot]] from a deck as a point of reflection, colour some squares in your journal, and put on your white noise app.\n\n[[Breathe.]]\n\n

Becklespinax

You have the best friends you could ever ask for. You try your hardest to never forget that.\n\nYou've wanted a tattoo of a bee for several years. Originally because of the symbolism: bees are industrious, hard working. In some cultures they are the messengers of death, and can transition between the living and the underworld. It reminds you of how far you have come, even when you cry under a blanket. \n\nBut recently you saw a tweet that said that bees are also a symbol of friendship. That's nice. That makes sense. It's reinforced your motivation to get that tattoo.\n\nWell, once you've overcome your nervousness about it, anyway.\n\nMaybe you should write that in your [[journal]].

Next question.\n\n4. Am I feeling ill?\n\nYou'd think that would be a pretty obvious mood hit but no, you kind of forget how much it can drive your mind nuts. Lying in bed with norovirus over Christmas brought back all the suicidal thoughts that you'd banished for months.\n\nBut hey, you know that now. It's one of the reasons being ill has it's own colour in your mood chart.\n\nDoes this apply?\n\n[[Yes.|next steps]]\n[[Nope.|q5]]