Cat Simulator 3000

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You open one eye. The other. You yawn, and stretch. You are wide awake, and [[you are definitely a cat|chooseappearance]].

You sit up, and examine yourself. What do you see? * [[Tangerine|meethuman][$cat to "ginger"]] coloured fur, with lighter stripes * Sleek, glossy [[black|meethuman][$cat to "black"]] * Slightly wrinkled [[bare|meethuman][$cat to "hairless"]] skin with a texture like velvet

A $cat cat. Lovely, you think to yourself. A finer feline was never seen. <center><<if $cat is "ginger">><img src="data:image/png;base64,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" width="105px" height="125px"/><<elseif $cat is "black">><img src="data:image/png;base64,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" width="105px" height="125px"><<else>><img src="data:image/png;base64,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" width="105px" height="125px"/><</if>></center> The door swings open, and a two-legged creature, much bigger and much less beautiful than you enters. What is the name that it calls you? <<textbox "$yourname" "" "farewell">>

'Who's a good kitty? <<if $yourname is "">>You are!<<else>>$yourname is!<</if>> Such a good kitty!' Quite right, you think. 'I'll be back soon. I'll miss you so much, little kittycat! So much!' You're rather indifferent to her absence, frankly, but it's pleasing to be reminded that your subservients know their place. [[Breakfast time.|feeding]]

She tips some food - small, crunchy morsels - into a bowl for you and gets ready to leave. You realise you're ravenous. * [[Polish the bowl off in one sitting|eatall]] * [[Nibble at it but save some for later|eatsome]] * [[Leave it for the time being|leaveit]]

You feel yourself gaining strength. All the better for the pursuit of power. +4 energy. <<silently>><<set $energy to $energy + 4>> <<set $livingroomfood to 0>><</silently>> The human has left. Now your real work can begin. [[Start the countdown|9am]].

You feel yourself gaining strength. All the better for the pursuit of power. You leave half the bowl, however, should you need the sustenance later. +2 energy. <<set $energy to $energy + 2>> <<set $livingroomfood to 2>> The human has left. Now your real work can begin. [[Start the countdown|9am]].

You'll come back to it later. Unless something tastier comes along. <<set $livingroomfood to 4>> The human has left. Now your real work can begin. [[Start the countdown|9am]].

Your human will return at the end of the countdown timer. Today is the day you will remind them that you are the one in control. It is time to reclaim your territory. <<set $timerstarted to true>> Where to begin? * [[Go into the bedroom|bedroom]] * [[Go into the kitchen|kitchen]] * [[Go into the bathroom|bathroom]] * [[Look around the living room|living room]]

<<if $humanreturn is false>>You have $energy energy. <<if $energy lte 2>>You're getting tired.<</if>> You have claimed your territory in $destroyed ways. <</if>> <<if $humanhome is false and $timerstarted is true>> Countdown: $minutes minutes $seconds seconds remaining!\ <<silently>> <<repeat 1s>> <<set $seconds -= 1>> <<if $seconds gte 1>> <<replace "#countdown">>$seconds<</replace>> <<elseif $seconds lte 1 and $minutes gt 0>> <<set $seconds to 60>> <<set $minutes -=1>> <<if $minutes gte 0>> <<replace "#minutes">>$minutes<</replace>> <</if>> <<else>> <<replace "#clock">>Your human is home! <<if $humanhome is false>> <<goto "humanhome">> <</if>> <<set $humanhome to true>> <</replace>> <<stop>> <</if>> <</repeat>> <</silently>> <<elseif $humanhome is false and $timerstarted is false>> Your human has not left yet. <<else>> Your human is home! <</if>>

<><<set $currentroom to "bedroom">><>The bedroom is full of enticingly soft surfaces and places to sleep. You must claim them as your own. * <<if $wardrobe is false>>[[Rub your face on the corners of the wardrobe|wardrobe]]<<else>>The wardrobe smells reassuringly of you.<</if>> * <<if $kneadbed is false>>[[Jump on to the bed and thoroughly knead the crisp bed linen with your claws|kneadbed]]<<else>>The bed has been thoroughly kneaded.<</if>> * <<if $bedroomcarpet is false>>[[Enthusiastically claw a particularly pristine patch of carpet|bedroomcarpet]]<<else>>The carpet looks much better now.<</if>> * <<if $bedroomcurtains is false>>[[Climb the curtains|curtains]]<<else>>You have both successfully scaled a curtain, and pulled it to the ground after you. An achievement.<</if>> * <<if $bedroomdresser is false>>[[Knock over the contents of the dressing table|dresser]]<<else>>The dressing table's contents lie strewn across the floor.<</if>><><<if $wardrobe is true and $kneadbed is true and $bedroomcarpet and $bedroomcurtains is true and $bedroomdresser is true>>The carpet is shredded to ribbons and covered in bottles and trinkets, there are feathers all over the bed, the wardrobe smells pleasingly of your scent, and one curtain lies in a heap on the floor. You are satisfied with your work.<</if>><> Or you can: * [[Nap on a cushion in the corner|naptime]] * [[go back into the living room|living room]]

<><<set $currentroom to "kitchen">><>The kitchen is all pristine, chromed surfaces, but for a slightly dilapidated cupboard and a few items on the countertop. * <<if $kitchencupboard is false>>The cupboard is open, just a crack. [[Look inside|kitchencupboard]].<<else>>You have left the kitchen cupboard door wide open, and the spoils of your visit are strewn across the tiles. Excellent. <</if>> * <<if $kitchenpan is false>>[[Climb into a saucepan on the countertop|pan]]<<else>>You have left a significant quantity of cat hair in the saucepan.<</if>> * <<if $kitchenroll is false>>[[Do battle with a roll of kitchen paper|kitchenroll]]<<else>>You have defeated the kitchen roll. It is now uselessly shredded.<</if>><><<if $kitchencupboard is true and $kitchenpan is true and $kitchenroll is true>>The kitchen bears the mark of a hero's visit, and that hero is you.<</if>><> Or you can: * [[Nap on the kitchen countertop|naptime]] * [[go back into the living room|living room]]

<><<set $currentroom to "bathroom">><>A few times a day, your human disappears into this room, closing the door behind them. You resent this behaviour immensely. * <<if $bathroomtoilet is false>>[[Drink from the toilet|toilet]] <<else>>You have drunk from the toilet (and it was delicious).<</if>> * <<if $bathroomtap is false>>[[Try to turn the tap on|tap]] <<else>>The bathroom tap is turned on, and makes a lovely rushing sound<</if>> * <<if $bathroompaper is false>>[[Shred some toilet paper|paper]] <<else>>You have shredded the toilet paper, and the evidence lies all over the bathroom.<</if>> * <<if $bathroombin is false>>[[Knock over the wastebin|bin]] <<else>>You have knocked the bin over. Its contents spill out before you.<</if>> * <<if $bathroomtowels is false>>[[Pull the bath towels off the towel rail|bathtowels]] <<else>>The soft towels lie on the bathroom floor.<</if>> Or you can: * [[Nap on the bathmat|naptime]] * [[go back into the living room|living room]]

<><<set $currentroom to "livingroom">><>[[Check your food bowl|foodbowl]]. The living room is full of all kinds of intriguing objects. * <<if $livingroomwallpaper is false>>[[Stretch out and sharpen your claws on the wallpaper|wallpaper]]<<else>>The wallpaper looks beautiful with your claw marks in it.<</if>> * <<if $livingroomrug is false>>[[Pull tufts out of the Persian rug in the middle of the room|rug]]<<else>>The rug is now satisfactorily threadbare.<</if>> * <<if $livingroomtablecloth is false>>[[Play under the tablecloth|tablecloth]]<<else>>The tablecloth is crumpled, but the invisible enemy it shielded you from is vanquished.<</if>> * <<if $livingroomwires is false>>[[Chew on the wires behind the television set|wires]]<<else>>The unplugged television wires now bear evidence of your teethmarks.<</if>> * <<if $livingroomornaments is false>>[[Knock your human's cat ornaments off the mantelpiece|ornaments]]<<else>>The impostor porcelain cats lie in their rightful place on the ground.<</if>><><<if $livingroomwallpaper is true and $livingroomrug is true and $livingroomtablecloth is true and $livingroomwires is true and $livingroomornaments is true>>The living room now lies in total chaos as proof of your prowess. You groom yourself for a moment and bask in your pride. <</if>><> Or, you can: * [[Nap on the sofa|naptime]] * [[Go into the bedroom|bedroom]] * [[Go into the kitchen|kitchen]] * [[Go into the bathroom|bathroom]]

You try to continue your mission, but you simply can't keep your eyes open any longer. You find a soft place to curl up, shut your eyes, and take a (frankly well-deserved) cat-nap. <><<set $dream1 to either("mice", "gerbils", "squirrels", "rabbits", "beetles", "hamsters", "guinea pigs")>><<set $dream2 to either("tuna", "fresh chicken", "cod", "the most expensive cat food known to humankind", "trout", "cream", "cream cheese")>><<set $dream3 to either("...kittens?", "balls of yarn", "scratching posts", "head scratches", "a soft brush", "a good stretch")>><<set $dream4 to either("world domination", "opposable thumbs", "acquiring language", "becoming Prime Minister", "gaining the respect you deserve", "becoming a tiger", "becoming famous on the internet")>><<set $dream5 to either("growing to ten times your size", "keeping a human as a pet", "singeing your whiskers on a candle flame", "becoming an international opera star", "becoming the face of Whiskas", "becoming the face of Microsoft", "opening your own bank account")>> <<set $dream6 to either("existentialism", "the nature of sentience", "Schrodinger's Cat", "the size of the universe", "having a comet named after you", "having a game made about you", "having a prehensile tail")>><> <<timed 3s>>You dream of $dream1 <<next>>You dream of $dream2 <<next>>You dream of $dream3 <<next>>You dream of $dream4 <<next>>You dream of $dream5 <<next>>You dream of $dream6 <<set $energy to 5>><<set $numberofnaps to $numberofnaps + 1>> <<next>>[[Wake up|wakeup]] <</timed>>

You rub the sides of your face thoroughly over the pointed corners of the wooden wardrobe, making sure to leave as much of your scent there as possible should any competitors for your territory arrive. A satisfying sensation. [[That's better|bedroom]]. <<set $wardrobe to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 1>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

You leap, spryly, on to the meticulously-made bed, and sink your beautiful paws into the surface of the down-filled duvet. It feels deliciously squidgy. You knead the crisp cotton thoroughly until feathers begin to emerge from the cover. You purr loudly. Bliss. [[You are delighted|bedroom]]. <<set $kneadbed to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

The rough texture of the bedroom carpet catches your attention, and you realise nothing could be finer than to sharpen your claws on it. You set about tearing at it like a long-lost enemy. [[You are satisfied|bedroom]]. <<set $bedroomcarpet to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

<<if $livingroomfood > 0>>There's still $livingroomfood pieces of food left in your bowl. * <<if $livingroomfood > 2>>[[Eat some, but leave a little for later|finishsome]] [[Finish it off.|finishall]] <<else>>[[Finish it off|finishall]] <</if>> <<else>>Your bowl is empty. <</if>> [[Look around the living room.|living room]]

You feel yourself gaining strength. All the better for the pursuit of power. +2 energy. <<set $energy to $energy + 2>> <<set $livingroomfood to $livingroomfood - 2>> [[Look around the living room|living room]]

You feel yourself gaining strength. All the better for the pursuit of power. +$livingroomfood energy. <<set $energy to $energy + $livingroomfood>> <<set $livingroomfood to 0>> [[Look around the living room|living room]]

The cupboard is full of what turns out to be your property, secreted away from you by your human. * <<if $cattoy is false>>[[Fish out a cat toy with your paw|cat toy]] <<else>>Your favourite cat toy lies before you, with you as the glorious victor. <</if>> * <<if $catlitter is false>>[[Knock over an open bag of cat litter|cat litter]]<<else>>Litter granules have spilled across the tiles of the kitchen floor. <</if>> * <<if $kitchencatfood is false>>[[Try and get into a sealed bag of cat food|kitchen catfood]]<<else>><<if $catfoodsuccess is "yes">>You have eaten your fill of illicit cat food.<<elseif $catfoodsuccess is "some">>You have eaten at least some illicit cat food.<<else>>You were unable to get into the bag of cat food. <</if>> <</if>> <<if $catlitter is true and $cattoy is true and $kitchencatfood is true>> <<set $kitchencupboard to true>>You are satisfied that you have sampled all the delights the kitchen cupboard has to offer. <</if>> [[Climb out of the cupboard and look around the kitchen.|kitchen]]

<<set $cattoytype to either("small furry mouse", "squeaky blue fish", "cloth banana filled with catnip")>> You spot your favourite cat toy, a $cattoytype, at the side of the cupboard. You fish it out. The ensuing skirmish is long and harsh, but you do battle bravely, and at last, your enemy lies vanquished before you (until next time). <<set $cattoy to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>> [[Survey your work|kitchencupboard]]

A large bag of cat litter sits at the side of the cupboard. You think it would look better on the kitchen floor. You dig your claws into the crisp paper, and knock the bag over. Litter granules spill out across the tiles. <<set $catlitter to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>> [[Look around the kitchen cupboard|kitchencupboard]]

<<silently>><<set $catfoodsuccess to either("yes", "some", "some", "some", "no", "no", "no")>><</silently>> There is a sealed bag of cat food right at the back of the kitchen cupboard. You are determined to get inside, and bare your claws, ready for your <<click "attempt.">> <<if $catfoodsuccess is "yes">> <<replace "#catsnack">><<silently>><<set $energy to $energy + 5>><</silently>>You tear a huge hole in the bag, and gorge yourself on the contents. +5 energy. <</replace>> <<elseif $catfoodsuccess is "some">> <<replace "#catsnack">><<silently>><<set $energy to $energy + 2>><</silently>>You manage to tear a small hole in the bag, but can only retrieve a few morsels of food. +2 energy. <</replace>> <<else>> <<replace "#catsnack">>Try as you might, you can't get into the bag. Pesky humans.<</replace>> <</if>> <</click>> <<silently>><<set $kitchencatfood to true>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>><</silently>> [[Survey your work.|kitchencupboard]]

Truly, the white throne takes pride of place in the centre of the bathroom for a reason. It is a fount of wisdom, a fount of knowledge, of cool clear water unparalleled by your own water bowl. Surely, its preciousness is the only reason your human continually prevents you from drinking of its nectar. You sup from it now. A worthy drinking vessel for one of your high status. +1 energy. [[Look around the bathroom.|bathroom]] <<set $bathroomtoilet to true>> <<set $energy to $energy + 1>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

You know that inside the bathroom tap is a stream of fresh water. It's a struggle without opposable thumbs, but with one paw you manage to turn the tap, and play with the refreshing droplets. You don't, of course, turn it off again. You are, after all, a cat. <<set $bathroomtap to true>> [[Look around the bathroom.|bathroom]] <<set $bathroomtap to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

Perhaps the greatest of all your challenges, you deftly pull the roll of toilet paper from its holder and, lying on your back with it grasped in your paws like a hapless predator, begin to tear it to shreds. Fragments of it float around the room, pleasing you. [[Look around the bathroom.|bathroom]] <<set $bathroompaper to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

<<if $minutes lte 0 and $seconds lte 0>><<goto "humanhome">><</if>>You wake refreshed. Time to <<if $currentroom is "kitchen">>[[return to your duties|kitchen]]<<elseif $currentroom is "bedroom">>[[return to your duties|bedroom]]<<elseif $currentroom is "bathroom">>[[return to your duties|bathroom]]<<else>>[[return to your duties|living room]]<</if>>.

You notice your expensive hessian scratching post in the corner of the room. It holds little appeal for you now. The walls are covered in a ridged, textured cream paper. It would look better with your beautiful claw-marks in it. You stretch out against the wall, and get to work. [[Superb|living room]]. <<set $livingroomwallpaper to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

The large, brightly-dyed Persian rug in the middle of the room is your human's pride and joy. It's never held any particular appeal to you before, but now, it catches your eye. You dig your claws in and set about pulling colourful tufts out of the rug. [[Excellent|living room]]. <<set $livingroomrug to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

You dive underneath the tablecloth, and become suddenly aware of a seemingly invisible enemy on the other side. Tangled in the fabric, the fight is a long one - you claw, swipe, and bite with all your might - but you're satisfied that you are its champion. [[Survey your surroundings|living room]]. <<set $livingroomtablecloth to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

<<set $bedroomcarpet to false>> <<set $kneadbed to false>> <<set $wardrobe to false>> <<set $livingroomrug to false>> <<set $livingroomwires to false>> <<set $livingroomtablecloth to false>> <<set $livingroomwallpaper to false>> <<set $livingroomornaments to false>> <<set $bedroomcurtains to false>> <<set $bedroomdresser to false>> <<set $kitchencupboard to false>> <<set $kitchenroll to false>> <<set $kitchenpan to false>> <<set $cattoy to false>> <<set $kitchencatfood to false>> <<set $catlitter to false>> <<set $bathroomtoilet to false>> <<set $bathroomtap to false>> <<set $bathroompaper to false>> <<set $bathroomtowels to false>> <<set $bathroombin to false>> <<set $energy to 5>> <<set $destroyed to 0>> <<set $yourname to "">> <<set $numberofnaps to 0>> <<set $humanreturn to false>> <<set $humanhome to false>> <<set $timerstarted to false>> <<set $minutes to 2>> <<set $seconds to 59>>

<<set $energy to 5>><<set $humanreturn to true>>You hear the key in the front door and freeze. [[Your human is home|reaction]].

<<if $energy lte 0 and passage() neq "naptime">> <<goto "naptime">> <</if>>

You dive behind the heavy, floor-length curtains, and begin to scale them like a linen Everest. They wrap around you and you find yourself stuck. Before you have a chance to panic, the cloth comes loose; the now-detached curtain falls to the floor, and you descend with it. [[The only thing hurt is your pride|bedroom]]. <<set $bedroomcurtains to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

You leap ably on to the dressing table, and with a single swipe of your paw send its contents tumbling to the floor. [[Marvellous|bedroom]]. <<set $bedroomdresser to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 1>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

You pull the soft bath towels from the heated towel rail. They're much better off on the floor. You take a moment to knead them and enjoy their texture. [[Keep looking around|bathroom]]. <<set $bathroomtowels to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

You jump on to the side of the waste bin, holding on for dear life, until it topples over. You leap back just in time to preserve your dignity. [[Survey your work|bathroom]]. <<set $bathroombin to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

You wonder sometimes, idly chewing on a wire behind the television set, why your human leaves the brightly-lit box unplugged when she goes out. [[Look around the living room|living room]]. <<set $livingroomwires to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 1>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

In one swift motion, you knock a whole series of small china cats off the mantelpiece, none of them as beautiful as you. [[Look around|living room]]. <<set $livingroomornaments to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 1>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

A saucepan sits on the kitchen countertop which looks as if it might be just the right size to make a perfect seat for you. In reality, it's a little smaller, but you're determined to fit inside. With your tail tucked neatly around you and your paws folded, you settle inside the pan for a few moments. You only spill over the edges a little. [[Survey the kitchen|kitchen]] <<silently>><<set $kitchenpan to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 1>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>><</silently>>

A large roll of kitchen paper sits on the countertop. It only takes a swipe of your paw to send it to the floor, where you can enjoy it as it was meant to be enjoyed. It's a worthy enemy, and the deadly combination of your teeth and claws means it won't be of much use to your human any time soon. [[Look around|kitchen]]. <<set $kitchenroll to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 2>> <<set $destroyed to $destroyed + 1>>

She steps into the living room. She's frozen, only for a moment, in horror, before she turns to you and says, <<if $yourname is "">>"W<<else>>"$yourname, w<</if>>hat have you done?!" Unflappable, you wash behind your ears. Then, she scoops you up in her arms, kisses you on the head, and coos, "Such a clever kitty. Such a clever, bad kitty. Mummy loves you." You're satisfied with the attention, and content to rest. [[At least until next time|stats]].

<center>You destroyed $destroyed objects out of a possible 20. You needed $numberofnaps catnaps. <><<set $energy to 5>> <<set $numberofnaps to 0>> <<set $destroyed to 0>> <<set $bedroomcarpet to false>> <<set $kneadbed to false>> <<set $wardrobe to false>> <<set $livingroomrug to false>> <<set $livingroomwires to false>> <<set $livingroomtablecloth to false>> <<set $livingroomwallpaper to false>> <<set $livingroomornaments to false>> <<set $bedroomcurtains to false>> <<set $bedroomdresser to false>> <<set $kitchencupboard to false>> <<set $kitchenroll to false>> <<set $kitchenpan to false>> <<set $cattoy to false>> <<set $kitchencatfood to false>> <<set $catlitter to false>> <<set $bathroomtoilet to false>> <<set $bathroomtap to false>> <<set $bathroompaper to false>> <<set $bathroomtowels to false>> <<set $bathroombin to false>> <<set $humanhome to false>> <<set $humanreturn to false>> <<set $timerstarted to false>> <<set $minutes to 1>> <<set $seconds to 59>> <> [[Play again from the start of the day?|farewell]] </center>

by Emma Winston