the red room

[[i.]] ii. iii. iv. v. vi. vii. viii. ix. x.

And the first thing I remember is this mirror. (click:"this mirror")[ It's massive, over ten feet tall. It hangs in the air on its own. The ornate gold around the frame is flaking away, and the silver around the edges is dull, and the bottom right corner has a slow but steady stream of blood dripping from it. But the size of the small red puddle stays the same.] (click:"stays the same.")[ I wonder whose blood it is, but then I worry if I think about it for too long, it'll be my blood.](click:"my blood.")[ ==> [[But I'm not sure that makes any sense.]]]

i. someone is (color:red)[always] watching [[ii.]] iii. iv. v. vi. vii. viii. ix. x.

That was ages ago. I've tried everything, I promise. (click:"I promise.")[ ==> [[I've checked every room.]] [[I've walked every hallway.]] [[I've talked to every soul.]]]

i. someone is (color:red)[always] watching ii. no one is coming to (color:red)[save] you. [[iii.]] iv. v. vi. vii. viii. ix. x.

Ever since I was really little, I've had these recurring nightmares. (click:"nightmares.")[ I don't know where they come from. I'm worried about that. I wish I knew.](click:"I knew.")[ But every so often, I have this dream that I'm hiding from someone, in my kitchen cupboard. Curled up, trying not to breathe, scared for my life.](click:"scared for my life.")[ ==> [[I don't like telling people. I feel like they'll use it against me somehow.]]]

One moment it's silent, and the next, there's a drip. Silence again, but shorter this time. Drip. (click:"Drip.")[ ==> [[Find the source of the drip.]]]

I think I'm carrying too much to leave. (click:"too much to leave.")[ My hands are empty, but I feel it all - the ache in my shoulders, and in my wrists. I don't know how long I've been doing this, but I can't do it anymore.](click:"can't do it anymore.")[ It all feels important, but I have to leave something behind.](click:"behind.")[ ==> [[The need for perfectionism.]] [[The desire for companionship.]] [[The instinct to be good.]]]

I wander for a long time without finding anything, or anyone. (click:"anyone.")[ A strange song plays in my head. ](click:"strange song")[ [(text-style:"blurrier")[//♫ I am waiting, I have been waiting, I was born waiting ♫//]] I think I'm chanting it. I hear it, but it doesn't sound like me.](click:"doesn't sound like me.")[ ==> [[And so I wander the halls, curtains to curtains, hearing myself sing without singing.]]]

In the town where I grew up, there was only one street light. (click:"one street light.")[ It was at the one intersection on the main road. The only thing it lit up was the stop sign. I think it was mostly about keeping passers-through from speeding by, but it didn't work very well.](click:"work very well.")[ I haven't been back there in a very long time.](click:"long time.")[ I find the street light in The Red Room. I know it's mine because of the way it flickers.](click:"it flickers.")[ It twitches when it sees me. The concrete creaks and cracks with the sharp movement. I can feel it speaking to me.](click:"speaking to me.")[ "Why haven't you come home?"](click:"home?")[ ==> [["That's not my home anymore."]] [["I'm trapped here."]]]

i. someone is (color:red)[always] watching ii. no one is coming to (color:red)[save] you. iii. you can hide in the cupboard under the sink, (color:red)[but they’ll find you anyway] iv. the ice sculpture is for (color:red)[decoration] only v. there's too much to carry, so you'll have to (color:Red)[leave something] behind vi. but those teeth aren’t (color:red)[yours.] vii. the street light on that old road (color:red)[remembers] you [[viii.]] ix. x.

The Red Room showed me a memory today. I didn't know it could do that. (click:"do that.")[ In the Double R Diner, I was sitting across from Shelly. I think she was on her lunch break - she's in uniform, the way I see her now.](click:"see her now.")[ ==> [[But maybe I'm misremembering.]]]

There's a man in the red booth this time. (click:"this time.")[ I watch him take a single grain of sugar with a spoon and dip it in his coffee. Then he stirs it slowly. He looks at me. He recognizes me, but I do not recognize him.](click:"him.")[ His name plate reads "BRIGGS."](click:"BRIGGS.")[ "You're almost done," he says, with a finality that almost makes me believe him. "But you're afraid." I want to argue, but I can't lie to him. I nod. "What are you afraid of?"](click:"afraid of?")[ ==> [["I'm afraid of what will change when I leave."]] [["I'm afraid I'll never be happy."]]]

The white door with the red trim. (click:"red trim.")[ The only way out is through.](click:"through.")[ The white door with the red trim. The only way out is through-](click:"through-")[ The white door with the red trim the white door with the red trim the white door with the red trim the only way out is through the white door with the red trim-] (click:"red trim-")[ ==> [[I found it.]]]

When I wake up, the sun is coming over the trees. I can feel the warmth even through the foggy air. Someone is shaking me. (click:"shaking me.")[ "Hey? Uh, hello? Aw, shit. C'mon, wake up!"](click:"wake up!")[ Through bleary eyes, I can see it's Pete, out on one of his morning hikes. "That's it," he says, relieved when I start to blink.] (click:"blink.")[ ==><== "You're gonna be alright."](click:"You're gonna be alright.")[ ==><== ♢ End ♢]

Major Briggs nods. "I understand," he says. And I believe him this time. "Plenty will change, if you've done it right. If you've seen your soul in the dark." (click:"in the dark.")[ He takes a long sip from his coffee. Then, he takes another single grain of sugar, and adds it to the mug. "But this fear is what's keeping you here, my friend."](click:"my friend.")[ I wonder if we were friends, or if we <i>are</i> friends.](click:"friends.")[ His tone takes on a sternness. This is something I know I must remember. "Passivity is the sister of death," he declares, holding my gaze, "and to live in fear of action is as close to dying as we can get in life."] (click:"as close to dying as we can get in life.")[ The sentiment lingers in the air like cigarette smoke. I feel like I can see it above his head, floating towards me. "Do you understand me?" He asks. ==> [[I nod. "Yes sir."]]]

Major Briggs nods. "I understand," he says. And I believe him this time. "Happiness is difficult to define, after you've seen your soul in the dark." (click:"in the dark.")[ He takes a long sip from his coffee. Then, he takes another single grain of sugar, and adds it to the mug. "But this fear is what's keeping you here, my friend."](click:"my friend.")[ I wonder if we were friends, or if we <i>are</i> friends.](click:"friends.")[ His tone takes on a sternness. This is something I know I must remember. "Passivity is the sister of death," he declares, holding my gaze, "and to live in fear of action is as close to dying as we can get in life."] (click:"as close to dying as we can get in life.")[ The sentiment lingers in the air like cigarette smoke. I feel like I can see it above his head, floating towards me. "Do you understand me?" He asks. ==> [[I nod. "Yes sir."]]]

A smile ghosts across his lips. "Good. I'm glad we could have this talk." Major Briggs finishes his coffee, and rummages through his pockets for exact change. He sets a neat pile of coins atop the bill. "Look for the white door with the red trim. It'll be a fight. The only way out is through." (click:"is through.")[ Before I can press him for more details, he is shuffling towards the curtains. When he parts them, I can see the door to the Double R Diner. He pushes it open and looks back at me.](click:"back at me.")[ He looks older. Why does he look older? "I think you should- Hmm..." He rubs his chin as he thinks. Shaking his head, he turns back towards the door. "It's (text-style:"blur")[nothing]. You'll do fine."] (click:"fine.")[ And then he's gone.](click:"he's gone.")[ ==> [[I know I have to fight my way out.->menu10]]]

I listen for the pattern, and the way the drip echoes off the tile floor. It's not far, I don't think. I peel back one curtain to a room I've never been in before. It's here. (click:"here.")[ The dripping, I mean.](click:"I mean.")[ In the middle of the small room is a towering ice sculpture.](click:"ice sculpture.")[ ==> [[I think it's an angel.]] [[I think it's a bird.]]]

The wings are large, but my eyes are drawn to the face - angular, androgynous features, with a piercing gaze above an outstretched arm. It holds a dagger, which is the source of the dripping. (click:"the dripping.")[ It's so fucking cold down here.] (click:"fucking cold down here.")[ I don't understand how the ice could be melting.](click:"melting.")[ "It's just for decoration," someone says. I jump. Agent Cooper steps from behind the sculpture, eyeing it with admiration. He motions for me to step back, and I do. The dripping stops.](click:"stops.")[ ==> [["What else would it be for?" I ask.]]]

It's a bird, with wings and a beak and talons. The wings are melting slowly under a heat source I can't identify. It's so fucking cold down here. (click:"fucking cold down here.")[ I don't understand how the ice could be melting.](click:"melting.")[ Agent Cooper appears from behind the sculpture. He takes a moment to admire it, side stepping towards me. "It is a red-shouldered hawk," he tells me. He motions for me to step back, and I do.](click:"and I do.")[ The dripping stops.](click:"stops.")[ The wingspan is large. Aggressively so, I think. I don't know a lot about birds, but I know this is a bird of prey.] (click:"prey.")[ ==> [["Should I be scared of it?" I ask.]]]

Agent Cooper shakes his head. "Only if you're a snake," he says seriously, but with a twinkle in his eye. He looks back to the ice sculpture. "It's just for decoration. I've always found hawks to have a violent kind of elegance to them. I respect it." (click:"I respect it.")[ He looks blurry to me. I don't know why. It's like he's not really here.](click:"not really here.")[ When he walks around the ice sculpture again, he disappears.](click:"disappears.")[ ==> [[And under the gaze of the hawk, I wonder if I am in fact a snake.->menu5]]]

Cooper shrugs, with a twinkle in his eye. I wonder if it's really him. (click:"really him.")[ A coldness radiates from him that stings my skin. "I could ask the same thing about you."](click:"about you.")[ I know it's not him.](click:"it's not him.")[ His soul twists into someone unrecognizable and his face remains the same. He's moving forward without walking. There's a sharp cruelty in his voice. "Are you going to stay here forever? End up a decoration? Just something to //look// at?"](click:"to look at?")[ ==> [[This time, I find the strength to run.->menu5]]]

But my childhood kitchen is here, surrounded by the red curtains. It's like this tiny three-sided nook, with the sink in the middle. There's the old wooden cabinets, with the peeling varnish, and the little square window above the sink, and the white tile with chips and dents. (click:"chips and dents.")[ I know it's mine. Which means I know (text-style:"blur")[he]'s coming for me.](click:"coming for me.")[ I can't run. I have to hide.](click:"hide.")[ ==> [[Hide in the left side of the cabinets.]] [[Hide in the right side of the cabinets.]]]

I've never picked this side before. I don't know if it will make a difference. I climb in and pull the door closed behind me. I should barely fit now, but when I get in, it's like I'm a kid again. I'm small. (click:"I'm small.")[ I can hear (text-style:"blur")[his] heavy footsteps approaching. I don't know who he is, but I know his cadence. There's a familiarity in the fear. ](click:"fear.")[ And then I //see// him, through the crack in the door. His skin is grey and a bloody flannel hangs around his hands. I hold my breath. My blood rushes in my ears. My stomach drops. I know there's nothing I can do.](click:"nothing I can do.")[ (text-style:"blur")[He] disappears from my view. The steps are getting closer.](click:"closer.")[ The cabinet door swings open, and before I can see (text-style:"blur")[his] face, darkness swallows me. This is how it always ends.] (click:"ends.")[ ==> [[And I wake back up in the red room.->menu4]]]

This is the side I picked most often, too. Is it because I'm right handed? I don't know. I climb in and pull the door closed behind me. I should barely fit now, but when I get in, it's like I'm a kid again. I'm small. (click:"I'm small.")[ I can hear (text-style:"blur")[his] heavy footsteps approaching. I don't know who he is, but I know his cadence. There's a familiarity in the fear. ](click:"fear.")[ And then I //see// him, through the crack in the door. His skin is grey and a bloody flannel hangs around his hands. I hold my breath. My blood rushes in my ears. My stomach drops. I know there's nothing I can do.](click:"nothing I can do.")[ (text-style:"blur")[He] disappears from my view. The steps are getting closer.](click:"closer.")[ The cabinet door swings open, and before I can see (text-style:"blur")[his] face, darkness swallows me. This is how it always ends.] (click:"ends.")[ ==> [[And I wake back up in the red room.->menu4]]]

Until I find some //teeth.//(click:"teeth.")[ I kneel down beside them. They're in a neat little pile, on top of a stained red lace doily. I'd guess there's about a dozen teeth, all a pristine white.](click:"pristine white.")[ ==> [[I should leave them alone.]] [[I should see if they fit in my mouth.]]]

I hear what you're saying. I do. But I //really// can't help but picking one up. (click:"picking one up.")[ It's an incisor. I don't look at it for long before trying to slide it into the roof of my mouth.](click:"roof of my mouth.")[ But it doesn't take. And the canine doesn't either. The molar I try hurts my tongue.] (click:"hurts my tongue.")[ I have a thought, and it's the first thing I'm absolutely sure of since I got here.](click:"got here.")[ ==> [[These are not my teeth, and I shouldn't take them with me.->menu7]]]

I don't feel right just leaving them here. There must be a reason. Maybe someone left them here for me, y'know? I pick the first one off the top. The pretty pile deteriorates. (click:"deteriorates")[ It's an incisor. I don't look at it for long before trying to slide it into the roof of my mouth.](click:"roof of my mouth.")[ But it doesn't take. And the canine doesn't either. The molar I try hurts my tongue.] (click:"hurts my tongue.")[ I have a thought, and it's the first thing I'm completely sure of since I got here.](click:"got here.")[ ==> [[These are not my teeth, and I shouldn't take them with me.->menu7]]]

And when I look in it, I mostly see the red velvet curtains, and the chevron floor ~~tiles~~ (text-style:"double-strike")[~~carpet?~~] tiles. When I step closer, I can see more of myself, except it doesn't really seem like myself. I only know it's me because it has to be. (click:" it has to be.")[ In the reflection, there's someone behind me.](click:"behind me.")[ A man with dark hair, and an old, wrinkled suit. And a blonde woman with dark red lips, standing beside him. They're waiting for me.] (click:"waiting for me.")[ I whip my head around to look at them. They are not there, and I'm alone.](click:"I'm alone.")[ I look back in the mirror. Laura sounds like she's right behind me. "(text-rotate-x:164)[Someone's always watching]," she says, but it sounds wrong. It sounds upside down.] (click:"upside down.")[ ==> [[But I believe her.->menu2]]]

I've walked down the halls, looking for every break in the curtains I can find. There's nothing. (click:"nothing.")[ I miss the waiting room. I miss the cold lake room. I miss the boiler room under the Great Northern. I miss the (text-rotate-x:164)[(text-style:"blurrier")[The Last Place]] and I miss wherever I was before here.](click:"before here.")[ And Laura's gone. I miss her.](click:"miss her.")[ I think I'm stuck here.](click:"I'm stuck here.")[ ==> [[Maybe I should just wait right here, and someone will save me.]]]

If there's anything I've learned, it's that The Red Room is mostly hallways. It is just a maze of velvet curtains that lead you nowhere and to no one. (click:"no one.")[ I tried to take my shoes off and leave them where I've been, but they reappear when I forget. I tried to prick my finger and leave behind a trail of blood, but it disappears when I'm not looking.](click:"not looking.")[ I think I'm stuck here.](click:"I'm stuck here.")[ ==> [[Maybe I should just wait right here, and someone will save me.]]]

The Giant won't help me. All he tells me is (text-style:"double-strike","subscript","blur")+(text-rotate-x:164)+(text-rotate-y:37)["Don't Trust Them,"] and I don't know what that means. (click:"what that means.")[ I can't find Laura.](click:"Laura.")[ Cooper is nice, but just as lost as I am.](click:"lost")[ I think I'm stuck here.](click:"I'm stuck here.")[ ==> [[Maybe I should just wait right here, and someone will save me.]]]

And I'll sit here for hours. (click:"hours")[ And I'll sit here for days.](click:"days")[ And I'll sit here for weeks.](click:"weeks")[ And I'll sit here for months.](click:"months")[ And I'll sit here for //years.//](click:"years.")[ Until I know for sure.] (click:"for sure.")[ ==> [[No one is coming to save me.->menu3]]]

Is it okay to make things wrong? (click:"wrong?")[ Is it okay to not know exactly what I'm doing all the time?](click:"all the time?")[ Is it okay to be bad at anything?](click:"anything?")[ If I kill my perfectionist self, I don't know how much of me is left.](click:"me")[ ==> [[But I'll try to leave it behind.->menu6]]]

I've always hoped someone would pick me out of a crowd, and choose me. (click:"choose me.")[ And that someone would //know// me, and still keep choosing me.](click:"choosing me.")[ But maybe the time for that is gone.](click:"gone.")[ I need to remember rule ii -](click:"rule ii")[ ==> [[No one is coming to save me.->menu6]]]

(text-style:"shudder")[I don't want to be good anymore.] (text-style:"shudder")+(click:"anymore.")[The goodness has been beaten out of me.] (text-style:"shudder")+(click:"me.")[I don't want to be pretty and good.] (text-style:"shudder")+(click:"good.")[I want to bite.] ==> (text-style:"shudder")+(click:"bite.")[[I'm done with goodness.->menu6]]

We were talking about Bobby, because we were never //not// talking about Bobby. He left a sour taste in my chocolate shake, though. Shelly sighs, poking the last of her pie around with a fork. "Do you think it means anything?" (click:"Do you think it means anything?")[ I scoffed. "What?" I think I wasn't listening to her very well.](click:"wasn't listening")[ She rolls her eyes. "That he says he wants to be with me forever. Does that mean something?"](click:"something?")[ ==> [["No, I don't think so."]] [["Only if he means it."]]]

I tried not to be so honest with Shelly, but it just tumbled out. I shuddered a bit. "I'm sorry, I mean-" (click:"I mean-")[ Shelly laughed, with a snort. "No, you're right. You don't have to be sorry."](click:"sorry.")[ I remember feeling relieved that she laughed, but kept rambling. "I just meant Bobby's all talk, and..."](click:"Bobby's all talk")[ "He is. I know." Shelly assured me it was fine. I didn't offend her at all. When Norma called her back to her shift, she cleared our plates, taking away my soured chocolate shake. Norma said something to me, when I was leaving. I didn't hear it at the time.](click:"at the time.")[ ==> [[The memory ended. The booth is empty.]]]

Shelly laughed, with a snort. "You think he means it?"(click:"means it?")[ I gave her a sly smile and a shrug. //No,// I thought. //I don't.//](click:"I don't.")[ When Norma called Shelly back to her shift, she cleared all of our plates, taking my soured chocolate shake with her. Norma said something to me, when I was leaving. I didn't hear it at the time.](click:"at the time.")[ ==> [[The memory ended. The booth is empty.]]]

And knowing in my heart that Cooper is gone from The Red Room, I remember it now. (click:"I remember it now.")[ Norma waved me over and whispered like she was telling me a secret that Shelly couldn't hear. "Here's something I wish my mother would've told me."] ==> (click:"told me.")+(text-style:"emboss")[[["A man who swears he won't leave is always a liar."->menu9]]]

"I haven't lived here in years," I explain. "It's not home." (click:"not home.")[ The street light doesn't like this answer. The bulb flickers rapidly and shatters, and with the bulb breaking, a wail sounds out through the space. "You left me! All alone!"] (click:"All alone!")[(text-style:"shudder")["Gone, gone gone, gone,"] it chants, lumbering towards me. Broken glass and sparks start pouring down like rain.](click:"down like rain.")[ My heart ached for her, but I couldn't help her. I turned and ran as fast as I could.](click:"as fast as I could.")[ ==> [[But I still miss my hometown, sometimes.->menu8]]]

"I don't know how long I've been here," I say. "I promise I'll come home when-"(click:"come home when-")[ The street light doesn't like this answer. The bulb flickers rapidly and shatters, and with the bulb breaking, a wail sounds out through the space. "You left me! All alone!"] (click:"All alone!")[(text-style:"shudder")["Gone, gone gone, gone,"] it chants, lumbering towards me. Broken glass and sparks start pouring down like rain.](click:"down like rain.")[ My heart ached for her, but I couldn't help her. I turned and ran as fast as I could.](click:"as fast as I could.")[ ==> [[But I still miss my hometown, sometimes.->menu8]]]

In what I think of as the back of The Red Room, down a long, steep staircase, is a white door with red trim. It is not the red door with white trim, up the spiral staircase, and these details are important. (click:"details are important.")[ Briggs said white door, red trim.](click:"white door, red trim.")[ But there's (text-style:"shudder")[something], between me and the door.] (click:"me and the door.")[ It is (text-style:"shudder")[Evil.] I can't see it but I know it is there. It is (text-style:"shudder")[Evil] and (text-style:"shudder")[Angry] at me and feels //entitled// to me and has bloody, grimy talons that want to sink into my skin.](click:"into my skin.")[ And I can't run, like I have before. If I want to leave, I need to find something new.](click:"something new.")[ ==> [[Apologize. ]] [[Bite.]] [[Lie. ]]]

"I'm sorry I can't stay," I say with all the sincerity left in my heart, hoping it is enough. (click:"it is enough.")[ In another life, I would have tried to fix it. I want to think Evil is not inherent, or genetic. I'd like to think there is enough love in my heart for The Red Room.](click:"The Red Room.")[ But I know there isn't. You can never be enough for someone who already knows how they want to hurt you.](click:"to hurt you.")[ The presence softens. I can see its outline now, and it is not hulking, or scary, or otherworldly. It may be evil, but it is not special. It is not braver than me.](click:"braver than me.")[ I put my hands on its shoulders and slam it into the wall, sliding past in the narrow hallway to the door. It howls and screeches and demands my soul, but I scream too.](click:"scream too")[ ==> [[I reach for the doorknob.->door]]]

The rabid part of me is what is going to save me. (click:"save me.")[ Without hesitation, I lean into the presence and bite, and //tear//. The metallic taste of blood on my tongue tells me that evil can bleed too. I rip back, spitting out the chunk of flesh and teeth to the ground.] (click:"flesh and teeth")[ The being screams. It's more like a howl. I bite again and rip an artery from it. I think if I let myself, I could eat its heart, if it has one. But ~~he~~ it yields to me, and dissipates into nothing.](click:"nothing.")[ ==> [[I spit its blood out of my mouth, and reach for the doorknob.->door]]]

"I want to stay," I reassure it. "I'll stay here, with you. I'll take care of your wounds and crumple under your weight and be happy with that." (click:"happy with that.")[ Even Evil wants to know you'll stay, I realize. Evil is just another man who wants me to fit into his predetermined box for me.](click:"for me.")[ The presence softens. I can see its outline now, and it is not hulking, or scary, or otherworldly. It may be evil, but it is not special. It is not braver than me.](click:"braver than me.")[ I put my hands on its shoulders and slam it into the wall, sliding past in the narrow hallway to the door. It howls and screeches and demands my soul, but I scream too.](click:"scream too")[ ==> [[I reach for the doorknob.->door]]]

The door opens out, and I hurl myself through it, slamming it behind me and clicking the lock. (click:"clicking the lock.")[ It is no longer The Red Room. It is a dimly lit basement stairwell, with a single hanging lightbulb, and I am tumbling down it the way I did when I was young. I knew the only way out was through, but I didn't think the only way out was down.] (click:"down.")[ ==> [[Even though it's in the dirt, it's a soft landing.->menu11]]]

Ten Things I Learned In The Red Room ==> [[♢ Start ♢->menu 1]]