my [[dad]] died near the end of [[last year]].we weren't close, [[not really]].
i hadn't seen in over ten years. [[nearly fifteen]].
i was surprised by how much and how immidiately the [[grief hit me]].he died at the end [[november]].we didn't find out until [[december]].this is what i keep coming [[back to]].when i was young i loved him and idolised him a bit. then as i became a teenager i realised he was just a person, and that he wasn't a [[good parent]].that's most of my adult life.
people can [[change]] a lot in fifteen years. i know i certainly did.was he [[alone]]?was he in [[pain]]?was he [[afraid]]?did he know what was happening to him?it's been five months.
mostly i'm okay.
until i'm suddenly [[not]].sometimes it feels like i'm [[choking]] on it.i'm not good at letting myself cry. even when alone. i think it's partly why i'm stuggling to [[process it]].i remember imaging what it would be like to see him again after all these years, whether he would be any different. or if he would just be more himself.
even up to a few weeks before he died, i was thinking if it was worth it to make contact [[again]].and now i never will. even though i never wanted to reconnect with him, even though it was the right choice for me, that option has been [[taken away from me]].am i selfish for this? am i a bad person?there are good memories of him. they became few and fair between as i got older, and there's a lot of bitterness and anger as well.
but there's still some [[goodness]] there, still, under all the bullshit.i wish [[things]] had been different.i wish he had been [[different]].i haven't talked about it much with people. because i know i'll cry when talking about it. because i'm not good at letting myself be [[vulnerable]].making this has helped a bit. it let me get the some thoughts out, and i knew i didn't have to be linear.
[[the end]]and i'm trying to be okay that things weren't.thank you for playing this.