should i go back to therapy before i ruin everything?

a question you keep asking a question that swirls around in your head eats the east of your thoughts the corner of your brain remembers something about being healthy, something about "this isn't right" a question that stays for days a question you shake hands with that cuts the [[moldy corners]] of your monologue but it's all off-kilter something about an unfulfilled promise something about this isn't right

I only want to do something that [[lasts]] I thought I heard you calling my name but it was Someone else you were looking at, And I feel it all destroying me like I'm Splitting out of my skin like I'm bursting a too Ripe fruit But you look like something Delicious And I'm always [[hungry]] so come over here And Peel.

poetry is a fucker. poetry is just anxiety i believe [[i have control]] over i'm lying to myself

i want to claw my anxiety out of my brain sometimes i just get so angry it's like my rage could combust whatever i touch and [[i want]] that to consume me and i want for a little bit to live in that fire, because it makes me feel powerful to scream or to desire to in those moments i want to walk out, i want passerby to stop and stare, point out me, burning, stealing oxygen. i want them to say Good God, how beautiful. i want them to say Good God, have mercy. if you saw the flame i'm tending you wouldn't know me. would you? are you prepared for what you'd see, if the spark i'm keeping waiting caught the fabric of my flesh? and this way you would be safe. and this way it would all be clear. look away, before it catches you too. would you watch as i let it [[devour]] me? would i let you? but it's just inside me, burning, [[steeling myself]].

All I've ever wanted Is to mean something to someone. I know I do: But, What? [[Why]]? And now, [[How]]?

When things are okay I wonder How normal is this? How do I know if I'm doing something Wrong here? Try, for the love of God, not to [[parse]] everything So much. Don't overthink don't overthink don't overthink don't don't no STOP STOP STOP fuck, you fuck you amy shut the fuck up and stop it I can't do this with you and I won't How long how long how fucking long is it going to take for me to get better at this I'm, Wait, how long until you get sick of me wait, I'm, wait I'm waiting waiting I'm wait, please, [[Don't]]. Somebody please I've never prayed but please I want someone to hear me now please don't let me fuck this up, I don't want This, To lose anyone, To make them lose me. I don't want to hurt the people that I love with All the things that I'm feeling I feel. Break my candy heart open, take whatever You want. Spill out the liquid center, I'm liquidating Everything. Yard sale, low prices. Have it all. Please. Please Please. I'm begging you, Promise me, don't let me Hurt you Don't let me ruin this I don't want to I promise I don't but [[I'm scared]] I might try And not even know it.

"You think you're so smart Beautiful jewel-bird In your hands you Catch [[nothing]]" some voice intones, "Queer little discourse bitch Keep your thoughts to [[Yourself I see]] Them written on your lips" it continues "You can't hide from me Come thread your opinions through here Collapse yourself be destroyed Watch for the minotaur" or was it [[something else]]?

Hey asshole! Stop subjecting everyone to this. Nobody Gives a shit. This is what psychologists get paid for. Maybe none of this would be better If you were back on medication, But at least then you could say You're trying. This way, You have no one to blame but [[yourself]].

sorry these ones are [[dark]]. is this even poetry? sorry. i get called out for apologizing too much a lot. sorry (but i am) [[sorry]].

i'm writing this poem in the thai restaurant pretending i'm texting while my family (holiday weekend) debates gyoza. i thought "this [[poetry]] collection could use some rumination on the role of the dumpling in my life and less introspection on my regular inner monologue" i need a funny light one a poem like the feeling (holiday weekend) a fresh dumpling creates in my [[mouth]].

wanna hear a joke? my brain says "don't [[internalize everything]]"

Everyone who knew me when says "You were always quiet" I'm not just quiet, I'm trapped in my brain Like I'm tangled in curtains. Maybe that's why I'm so ____ now, Like I have to shout louder, Joke better, Opine harder, So nobody knows I've got red Fabric around my Throat. So nobody knows I can't get out Of my thoughts.

watch this poetry change if you hold it up to the light. watch me [[melt]] its wax and drip it down my chest watch me [[watch this poetry]] change like my ice cream you put in the microwave.

I have a rule about not writing poetry at work. The rule is I always tell myself not to do it and then I do. Poetry is becoming another compulsion, but maybe a positive one. My obsessive brain is always looking for patterns, Maybe that's why structure is the only symbol in my Poetry that pops. Did you know I try to memorize my thoughts? I try to <s>internalize</s> Memorize every nice thing people say to me, But I also try to remember the things I want to say so I don't forget. Sometimes I create mnemonic devices to remember them. But then I get distracted when a poem appears to me on the train, And it's all for nothing, Not that any of it was that important anyway.

She says "I think I'll melt into the floor, Loud cat still tries blocking my view." She says "I'm a [[pretentious]] bitch, And I cry at everything blue." She says "Stop writing poetry in first person, [[Surrealism]] can't save you."

there's something inside you that wants to get out it's not your identity (this isn't that poem) it's fury eating you like a [[parasite]] look down at your skin you'll see it wriggling under there don't be fooled no need to carve it away you can write some script instead you can be your own [[pest control]]

big gay energy is 100% sustainable and ???% clean

p a r s e a s r [[?]] r s a e s r a p

Is this too many Poems? For one collection? Of Poems? Do people respect me? Do they like being around me? Do I use too many ellipses? In text-based conversation? Does anyone think of me without prompting? Should I? Have kept my mouth shut? Am I annoying? Do I ask? Too much? Want? Need? Too? Much? Everything? Is this too many? Poems?

it chirps ^^don't covet the part of you that wants to swallow stars^^ looks around from its perch ^^are you even listening to me^^ sighs ^^you're using the wrong pronoun^^ & preens ^^you're lucky [[i love you]], dummy^^

Anxiety Cage Match: Worrying whether you tell the people you love That you love them often enough (What if they don't know how you feel?) VS Worrying that you tell the people you love That you love them too often (What if it loses its meaning?) Who wins? [[Click here to find out!]]

just kidding i don't know the answer but i do know that i'm not going to stop telling my friends i love them because it's TRUE and I DO and they DESERVE TO KNOW so THERE

`//////////////`oops`///////////////////////` `//////`i`/////////////////`lost all my`//////////` `//`poems`////////`in`//////////////////////////` `////////////`this`//////////////////////` `/////////////////////`tall grass`/////////////`

(image of a big ugly bug) a. lol big same b. mood c. that really is me though d. oh wig e. i relate to bug f. squash me daddy !!

is this what the inside of my brain is like? yes. it's mostly intrusive anxiety thoughts and also gems like "mothman has giant midwestern queer energy" it's not all bad, because i can synthesize anxiety thoughts and queer energy and mothman into whatever this is.

oh, you want poetry to be explainable you want your words to fit [[too much together]] like puzzle pieces you're still looking for structure where the [[foundation]] was ripped out give it up, pack it in k, ça marche

The central question is flawed. And built On a lie, She thinks so. Is it? You decide

what does it mean???????????? idk is this anything uhhhhhhh normalize platonic affection 2k19. kiss your friends hold their hands or whatever who givess a shit? haha did you just write a poem oh lol! i guess i diddddd i mean it though! friends can cuddle!!!! destroy outdated and heteronormative understandings/notions of physical and emotional intimacy that's what's up

Maybe everything's already Over and Understanding how that happened is The Hardest part

the more you start to think about it the more you realize everything's a little off? like having one of those days where it feels like you never quite shook off sleep like you're fighting from underwater you know it's [[really happening]] but can't convince yourself to wake up if you jump you won't float or fly you'll just return to earth better have some [[coffee]] first better get started.

when They step back out of the bathroom, the world is black glass reflective and shiny and smooth and there is no one left the empty room is so still that taking a step feels like an intrusion the desks and computers all silent and as They walk it feels like They have to. They reach the center see the body on the ground faceless. recoil but can't make a sound as the stag man appears over it. the dark bird pecks at the body's clothing, looks at Them. looks at the stag. flies to Their shoulder the stag man says YOU DIDN'T SEE ME YOU WILL They say nothing he says I SAW YOU ONCE They say the river he says THE TRAIN the bird chortles here and there and here and there. the stag says YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DID THIS it moves towards Them slowly staring its arms jerk its massive antlers ooze with viscous liquid They back up They feel suddenly as though They're walking on tar the stag reaches Them points its antlers says NOW IS TIME ENOUGH They reach out to touch the velvet the bird screams and falls from Their shoulder and as They call to it the stag man charges. razor antler catches Them in the chest impales picks Them up knocks the wind from Them and forces Them into the wall. They cough and thick blood-liquid shining like mercury spatters out coats the glass drips down Their chin but does not stain the stag it says YOU'VE KNOWN jerks its head the antler rips off with a bone snapping crack They say nothing slide down the wall to Their knees the gigantic antler props Them up keeps Them from hitting the ground the bird lies feet away by the body trying to reach it. the stag man looks down at Them smoke pours from the hole in its head it says LEARN YOUR LESSON and when They blink it's all gone. the world is back the glass disintegrated and the people returned. They feel relieved but when They reach to feel the hole in Their chest is still there surrounded by a ring of dark feathers.

i mean this poetry's good i guess but it's no `[INSERT NAME OF OVERRATED BUT CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED FILM THAT CISHET MEN LIKE HERE]`

coffee's so important to me i know how everyone i love likes it with milk? with sugar? with nothing? not at all? baby i got it filed away in my brain like a little "proof of love" receipt coffee's so important to me a walk a couple blocks rain or shine when we need the break or just want to talk when we want to get out for a little bit when we need an invitation to spill some tea coffee's so important to me an expression of queer emotion or intention? yeah i love iced coffee, listen, guilty as charged i'm gay okay let's sit outside and just be around each other sip away this idyllic afternoon

some things i'm known to eat: <ul><li>pasta with pesto sauce <li>potstickers (mass quantities) <li>chicken tikka masala (mass quantities) <li>tamales (mass quantities) <li>shredded cheese straight from bag at 1am <li>beans on toast <li>empanadas <li>chicken wings/chicken tenders <li>peanut butter (with crackers) <li>peanut butter (with individual slice of cheese) <li>roasted broccoli <li>pierogies (fried) <li>pierogies (boiled) <li>chili-crusted salmon <li>hummus on pita with haloumi or feta <li>rice with hot sauce <li>cherry tomatoes <li>my fingernails (when stressed) <li>nothing (when extremely stressed)</li></ul>

Re: Hey asshole! Hey ________, Sorry for the late reply, it's been a crazy week (I've been pretty busy with writing this poetry thing, watching queer cinema, and bouncing between emotional states). I appreciate your thoughts on this, I'll give it some consideration and get back to you once I have a little more bandwidth. Thanks again!