small

it hurts me more i think

[[i was ignoring the people around me, turned it up real loud even though i liked them, it felt better. fell asleep like that, it just stuck with me]]

couldn't even manage that

i don't remember her name

[[i didn't know how to handle that, i still don't, i don't think i even liked her. i feel bad about it all the time still, it was just talking]]

[[tired and sad, it's quiet enough that i can't sleep. that's how i stayed up all night when i was younger, beating myself up about it. doing it to try it and feeling awful for the next week, more awful]]

and now here we are

[[sad look]]

it's hard not to laugh at myself

[[can't even pretend to feel okay, don't look good at all anyway, no wonder people don't spend time around me]]

i'm not helping am i

[[but i just fell apart, lied down on the floor, i bet i looked real dumb. looking at all of the things i wanted to ignore all at once]]

[[it feels worse because sometimes i don't mind it, if it is somebody i dislike, it feels like i'm getting away with something. being myself i guess, not paying enough attention]]

[[i shouldn't be here]]\n\n[[i'm a mess]]

they didn't notice

[[i don't think she understood, she wanted to, i was just a dumb teen. that's still me, just i feel worse, i know things that i did wrong]]

telling stories about near-breakdowns\n& crying in gift shops about things that happened months ago\nfamily yelling about it later\ni think it's your turn i'm not sure\n\n[[sometimes]]\n\n[[once]]\n\n[[sorry]]

yeah

[[i spent most of my life hiding things, making up different problems, it felt easier. a way to kill time, until what i don't know, but i was always putting something off]]

it should be easy

maybe consequences

[[talking honestly, in ways that make sense]]\n\n[[really i'm not good at much]]

i guess this is better

[[maybe on purpose actually, it's a habit]]\n\n[[i'll say something real mean or ignorant and realize it way later]]

[[oh man]]\n\n[[i feel bad too i guess but not like that]]

[[i'm not too good at this]]\n\n[[that sucks dude i'm sorry]]\n\n[[give me a moment]]

sleepingzone

[[normally i would be home, listening to music, trying and failing to do something else]]

hoped that nobody would come home, for a few minutes

[[i get scared of that all the time, like i'll just fall apart, lose myself to something vague, i'm sorry it happened to you]]

sorry for wasting your time

[[i get like this sometimes, just can't find words, i feel like a child]]

[[used to feel good at small things, i had support then, for a while. felt like a lie afterwards though, directed from & towards me, maybe]]

never really got past that

anyway

[[music helps usually or it just drowns it out]]\n\n[[getting lost in syllables and the names of songs]]

small story

[[it sounds like such a joke, having actual difficulty just smiling, it's a mess]]

[[i'll go for days without eating, seeing how it goes, if anybody notices. it makes me feel guilty too, selfish, i don't want them to know, i'm not sure what i want]]

never learned to speak

waking up feels impossible

[[not because it's romantic or whatever i'm just tired]]\n\n[[and it makes me feel so out of place]]

[[usually frowning, i can't help it]]\n\n[[just had a clear vision of what i must look like and kind of lost it]]

[[i am currently and always have been a mess]]

it was nice though i guess

[[i stay up alone and watch the sunrise]]\n\n[[not on purpose but whatever]]\n\n[[i don't know forget it]]

[[sorry if i led you to believe otherwise, i mean i get a little sad, dumb of me to think that's a real problem]]

[[i'm the worst at telling stories, take interesting things and mess them up, make myself sound like the worst person]]

/% Place your story's setup code in this passage.\nAny macros in this passage will be run before the Start passage (or any passage you wish to Test Play) is run. %/\n

[[i'm not too good at talking about myself, not stories like that]]\n\n[[having trouble thinking of something]]

[[like i should be somewhere else, with somebody, i don't know, kind of empty. really just makes existing problems worse, more obvious, then i fall asleep as hopeless as i can be. clutching my eyes shut, trying to cry to feel more honest, i can never cry]]

[[she was nice, told me about herself, was told she liked me]]\n\n[[i kind of shut her out, that's the thing that i do, but she seemed really hurt]]

[[this girl sat with me because i seemed upset]]\n\n[[i was upset i guess, i was listening to music]]\n\n[[it was quiet and i was isolated and maybe i was frowning]]