hospital roulette

oops! you've been caught in a trap! the feds know who you are! you can't run away from them anymore! they got you right where they want you, stuck in a holding cell in the basement of a hospital. zoiks! Nancy Drew found you out! there's nowhere to run! oh man! this just in: Velma lost her glasses! egads! they think you're the next Eleven from Stranger Things! they don't think you're a criminal, but you're certainly not going anywhere anytime soon. and what's with all these bugs buzzing in your ears? [[round one: firstego.->BASEMENT HOLDING1]]

STRIKE THREE! escape attempt number three. you slip out the door, smooth as a snake. one, two security guards in the way. fine. you make a beeline for the far doors. in seconds we're there. you reach for the push bar-- WHAM! the woman watching you throws herself in the way. she grabs your arm HARD. you immediately stop moving. this is a hands-off facility. you don't touch your patients. "why are you touching me?" she keeps her grip on you and lies to your face. "i'm not touching you." "you are LITERALLY touching me right now!" she lets go. "i wasn't touching you." "you //GRABBED// ME!" now you're furious. you don't even care about getting out anymore. you take a step back and she goes to snatch your arm again. the security guards just watch. a ways behind you, you hear biggie approaching. "yo! gangsta! you good?" you rip yourself from the woman's grasp and storm back to your room. you slam the door closed in her face. [[ding dong! medication time.->MEDICATED ESCAPE3]]

"alright, team. let's work on writing this poem together." you shift a little bit. your face is glued to the table. the therapist glances over at you. "hey you! nice of you to join us!" your face is still glued to the table. you very slowly raise up your thumb. the others start brainstorming what to write about. your eyes slowly open and you take a look around. aliens. we all look like aliens. where the hell are my glasses? [[converse with the living.->sike w biggie]] [[speak with the dead.->danny danny danny]]

Frida stands beside you in the doorway. you can't sit still. at least you can //stand// still. we're on security guard duty. Jerome is free roaming again. he turns towards us, mumbles something about a "white bitch", and starts turning on the spot. he's a broken record. here comes Becky making her rounds. loud, in your face, way too close. she doesn't seem to realize how impossible it is to hold a conversation with her. your focus shifts to Jerome as Becky approaches you. he's twice her size, and he's swinging his arms around like they have a mind of their own. Becky gets right up in your face. she shouts, "I'M A US CITIZEN!! ARE YOU A US CITIZEN?? I'M A US CITIZEN." you immediately clap back. "keep on talking like that. see what happens." Becky wears a wide smile, still in her daze. "Okay!" she turns and skips away. you turn to Frida. we burst into laughter. [[that's enough for the day. it's bedtime.->what do you DREAM about?]]

STRIKE FOUR! the woman watching you is resting her legs. she's in no rush to stand up. you're in a hell of a rush to get out of here. you put on shower shoes over the grippy socks. fasten them tight. you walk up to the door. the woman puts her arm in the way. you ask her very politely. //please// let me go outside. she thinks on it for a moment, then lets go of the door. you step outside the room. deep breath. you drink in the shallow air. huff the foam. you take off sprinting. [[too much. get your ass back to bed.->RUNNING ESCAPISTS4]]

we're back in your room. this guard dog is particularly stubborn. she knows you're a "flight risk." but you know how to get through to her. //please// let me go outside. i won't go far from my womb at all. she lets you out. you hear the heavy stomping of feet and whoosh of paper clothing from down the hall. you pop out of the room FAST. throw your back against the opposite wall. your guard dog stands up and goes to follow you out the door. just as she crosses the threshold, she YELPS and jumps back-- --Jerome is sprinting for the exit. the poor woman is TERRIFIED. you just start laughing. best jumpscare of our life. [[oh get over yourself. it's time for vitals.->VITALS4]]

the day room is empty. you're setting up a jenga tower. Jerome walks in, alone. he seems to have his head screwed on better. but he's clearly here for you. "hey there," he begins. "hey." "what's your name?" "Ari." "aria? wow, that's a really pretty name." "it's just Ari." "ahhhri" "yep." we sit there in silence. this is definitely a dream. "what's your name?" i ask out of courtesy. "Jerome." "there's a town out in arizona named Jerome." "you from arizona? ahhhrizona?" "phoenix." "but you've been to my town, right? jerome city? in ahhhrizona?" "i've gone once. it's a ghost town." "ooooo so you in love with a ghost, then, ah?" "nope. no thank you. i'm out." you get up and leave the day room. Jerome stares blankly at your jenga tower. he's done enough for the night. now back to our regularly scheduled programming. [[fourthstrike.->RUNNING ESCAPE4]]

STRIKE FIVE. it's the middle of the day. a violent storm just rolled in and vanished as quickly as it came. the men in your building are away at work. //there is a truck outside.// your doorbell rings. it rings again. there's people inside the building. who let them in? hey mr. postman, bring me the post! bring me the post that i love the most! they start asking the neighbors about someone who looks like you. they try asking in english first. no good answers. then they ask in spanish. nobody's seen you. //there is still a truck outside.// you harness the only weapon these people know how to wield. the one command that sends dread and defeat into your bones-- FREEZE. you play dead. quiet as a maus. i'm not even here right now. the doorbell rings again. //there is still a truck outside.// stillness. there's a man watching your doorway. he doesn't make a sound. the woman living above you starts to sob. //there is still a truck outside.// time passes. the woman keeps on sobbing. you aren't even here right now. the man above your doorway retreats downstairs. slowly, the others follow. a heavy car door slams. //there is still a truck outside.// you chance a bend of the arm. now a sip of water. you sit up. //there is still a truck outside.// one by one, the men in your building come back from work. radios shut off, car doors close, casual conversation begins. the man who lives above you comes home. "what's wrong?" //the truck pulls away.// [[we got opps on the radar.->OPPS ON THE RADAR5]]

you're drifting again. you float around through the hallways trying to feel something. you feel like you're back in the city. move fast, avoid eye contact. you're on a lifeboat lost at sea. here comes biggie. "gangsta. here. just hold onto my hands and lean into me." biggie holds his palms out in front of him, braces his knees. we intertwine our fingers. you lean forward and put your body weight into him. "alright good. now breathe." in. out. in and out. "you're almost there, kid. just keep on going." keep on going. let's get those doctor checkups out of the way. [[ask about that x-ray.->X-RAY4]] [[ask about that second EKG.->EKG4]] [[ask to meet with your social worker.->SOCIAL WORKER4]]

"you're from here, right?" "yep. brooklyn born and raised." "we've never met before?" "nope." you stop walking. biggie slows and stops a little ahead of you. "so how did you know i'm a gangsta?" "it's in your eyes." [[come on. people are waiting.->no RIPs here]]

we're starting breakfast in relative silence. staff members move from table to table handing out our meals. "Yoshi! where he be? Yoshi!!" across the table, Yoshi carefully raises his hand. the lady carrying his food places it down in front of him. then she turns to you and asks if you're REDACTED. you sigh and accept the food from her. the meal isn't great. but it's better than nothing. you glance over at Yoshi. he's picking away at his food. eating looks like a chore. he glances up and sees that you're watching him. you're the first to speak. "i'm sorry they call you Yoshi like that. like you're a pet." he blinks a little. "eh, i'm used to it." "i think it's a great name." he pauses for a moment. then he smiles. [[time for your EKG.->EKG2]]

the patients all circle up around nurse central waiting for their meds. you leave your womb just as the upstairs construction really picks up. you wish you could punch floor eleven's lights out. on the other side of Nurse Central stands Jerome. he's around other patients for once. the drills keep whirring. Jerome meets your eyes. he points at you like a cartoon character in a court room. "white bitch. there's that white bitch. white bitch what you doing in my head? you BITCH." your fingers are already at the ready. they morph into the shape of a gun. you point the weapon at the ceiling, then lower it down to him. his eyes open wide. "thats a white CENSORED." you smile. then return to your womb. heads up. the nurses need you for something. which you going to? [[get that gross constipation x-ray.->X-RAY4]] [[go for another EKG.->EKG4]] [[finally meet your social worker.->SOCIAL WORKER4]]

STRIKE TWO! the bugs are getting louder. what did they inject in your arm yesterday? we keep moving. we have to keep moving. around and around and around the nurse's station we go. everyone doesn't get it. if you stop, if you drop, we break. there's Becky talking on the phone. she gives you an enormous headache. you loop around the phone again. snap your fingers. maybe it'll be over sooner if you snap your fingers. looping around again. snap. snap. snap. it'll be over in a SNAP. then Gigi blocks your path. "what the fuck is your problem? quit snapping in my girl's face!" you freeze. your throat is jammed. you can't say anything. your neck starts to twitch. it's beckoning you back to your bedroom. your "womb." Gigi stares into your eyes with nothing but disgust. like a cat on a leash, we bend our way back to the womb. [[back in the womb.->GIGI AFTERMATH2]]

you're safe in your room again. nobody can touch you here. except for that woman sitting in the chair watching you. you need to cause a scene. stir the pot. get someone to LISTEN to you. you go into the bathroom and scream like a banshee. you've never hit that high of a note before. you cuss like a sailor, you fake sob like a broken little girl. you turn on the shower-- full heat-- flush the toilet, and wave your hand in front of the automatic sink. again and again and again. we flooding this bitch. we keep the door open so the woman watching you knows you're alive. you lie down on the bathroom floor and wail like a cat in labor. the woman just sits there silently, watching you scream in pain. as if nothing is happening at all. you stumble around in a stupor for the next several hours. your neck is locked into place. the gods above have us in a chokehold. you wish you were home right now. the nurses finally give you a new medication. the man who hands it over says to you, "This is Not a Game." fat chance. [[good mourning.->BREAKFAST AND VITALS2]]

STRIKE ONE! you're in the basement. you must await your turn to see The Doctor. they put you in a big, empty room. there's a chair at the center and a security camera overhead. they ask you to strip. you leave on your shirt and underwear. they give you paper clothes that are too big for you. are these my striped pajamas? it starts getting procedural. be quiet. listen for our instructions. stay away from the doors. you sense danger coming? hide in your shirt. don't show them your face. you're live on TV. everyone's watching. Britney Spears, is that you? poor white girl. what's she gonna do next? but then we meet the neighbors. we start laughing with the neighbors. we can't stop laughing with the neighbors. you get it. i get it. we all get it. you finally meet the doctor. she reminds you of someone who hurt you. it doesn't matter. we're going upstairs. [[come quietly.]] [[make some noise.]]

you sit in a group meeting. there's a girl across the room who looks just like you. she has face tattoos and auburn skin. her clothing is kind. grunge meets punk without the violence. "does anyone remember alessia cara?" you ask the room. this girl remembers. she smiles to herself, kicks her feet a little. she hasn't heard someone say that name in a long time. next to her is a guy in a red hoodie. they're the oldest young adults in the room. he bumps her on the shoulder and mutters something. she laughs. [[okay google, play boywontcry by brakence.->boywontcry]] [[alexa, play feather by nujabes.->feather]]

opps on the radar. you're dead to me. you played a hysterical white woman very well. the role you were BORN to play!! me? a player? my ass. that night, you threw your phone in the trash. you started writing in codes. you started flushing your words down the toilet. mom got the phone back. she kept asking us questions. the more she asked, the less we could answer. you told her we were being listened to. she could sense the urgency, but wasn't quick to pick up the precautions. the next day we went out to a grocery store. [[don't rob the store now!->ESTAN ROBANDO5]]

the grocery store security guard had his back to us when we walked in. he was studying the store's CCTV monitor, searching for something. mom pushed the cart for us. you wandered over to the cheese aisle. "UNO!! AL QUESO!!" queso..? uno..? ay no. we kept on shopping. we turned a corner and two staff members whooshed by us. "están robando." fuck. somebody tipped them off about you. they think you're robbing the store. the cashier was nervous. so were we. you chose the wrong button paying with your SNAP card. the security guard stood nearby, watching your every move. the transaction cleared. we got the hell out of there. [[i sure hope there's no one behind me.->BEING FOLLOWED5]]

as we walked down the street back home, things felt very wrong. you were being stalked. you could feel it. throw them off your trail. you took a sudden turn to cut through a different part of the neighborhood. mom slowed you down. we stopped a little off our normal path. you glanced behind us. a muscular man in a skin-tight black t-shirt was walking towards us with purpose. "we're being followed." the man turned a corner and vanished. "let's get home." [[good luck, final girl.]]

there's a new patient in the mix. he's originally from mexico. he introduces himself to you using his english name. he's got on a red shirt and red pants. you're from phoenix. you get each other. there's scars on his arms. you never ask. he knows you've got a messy history. he doesn't pry. he loves to play games, and he loves to paint. he teaches you how to play dominoes. you make him a paper airplane and show him a zine you've been working on. we host a couple "game nights" in the day room. he and Daniel square off in some games of chess. you coach a new legion of dominoes players. you clarify that you aren't into him. he laughs. he has a novia already. he calls her "my wife." "cómo se dice platónico?" "platonic. hell yeah." you finally get to let your hair down. you can yell at your friends and it isn't personal. you can make mistakes and lose without your whole life falling apart. we're laughing again. really laughing. knock knock. the nurses need you. help them out a little here. [[go get that x-ray.->X-RAY4]] [[get another one of those EKGs.->EKG4]] [[introduce yourself to your social worker.->SOCIAL WORKER4]]

there's a man sitting at this table who seems trapped in his own mind. he stares up at the TV screen like it's a beacon. but behind the glasses, he's somewhere else entirely. he talks to himself. you hear him quietly throw around "bitch" and "retarded" to no one in particular. he reminds you of some of the kids you grew up with. he reminds us of the livestreamers we watched during the pandemic. he seems lost, and no one pays him a bit of attention. we learn his name. Daniel. he remembers you asked. we pass in the hallway often. then Jerome attacks him. we don't hear from Daniel for a while. [[sweet dreams.->DREAM arson]]

Daniel's pretty quiet today. he's sitting at one of the tables in the day room, staring mindlessly at a TV screen. you're sick of the static. you go for a pack of jenga blocks. ask if he's up for a game. he nods. we arrange the jenga blocks carefully. 15 layers up and you start getting nervous. Daniel makes no comment. we keep stacking higher. we play a round. you don't remember who pulled the last block. it didn't matter. we go ahead and rebuild the tower. start playing again. Jerome appears behind you. in one fell swoop, he extends out his palm and flattens the tower. Daniel gets up and leaves. Jerome is escorted out. you pick up the pieces. you don't see Daniel again for a couple days. the nurses are looking for you! help them out here. [[get an x-ray of your abdomen.->X-RAY4]] [[do another EKG.->EKG4]] [[say hi to your social worker.->SOCIAL WORKER4]]

here comes biggie, one of the "overpaid security guards." his words, not yours. he's just about the only person who seems to recognize your humanity. biggie strolls down the hallway, checking doors, poking his head into rooms. he doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but he's not interested in hanging around for too long. he catches you watching him. "what up, gangsta?" he heads over and holds out his knuckles for a fist bump. you reach for his hand, and at the last second-- "SIKE!" you pull your hand away. he laughs. "that's what's up! never let them know your next move." you check out his scrubs. "nice pink shirt." "pink?? its burgundy!!" now we're both laughing. [[have a good night!->DREAM arson]]

you can already smell the smoke as you look up at your old apartment building. you open that door, and the whole place goes up in flames. why the fuck did we booby trap our house? you remember what it was like to live under that roof. the cold shoulders. the constant noise. the verbal abuse. the threats to your posessions. the threats to your livelihood. our worsening heart palpitations. what if we gave them a taste of their own medicine? you want to start a fire? fine. let's light this bitch up. you open the apartment door to strangers screaming. this isn't what we wanted. this isn't what we wanted at all. it can't be real. this can't be real. this isn't real. there's no way it could be real. it's not real. there's no fire. you're safe. everyone's safe. whatever that means. [[round two: secondport.->GIGI INTERVENTION2]]

a few nurses enter your room, one with a needle in hand. they shoot another drug into your arm. they never tell you what it is. only the male patients have band-aids on their shoulders. do they think you're a man? are they giving you hormones? we're like a horse in a hospital. is this a horse tranquilizer? you don't have enough time to parse through it before you black out. [[rise and shine! it's time for vitals!->VITALS3]]

your paper clothes make a rhythmic swishing sound as you walk through the basement hallways. the buzz of the flourescent lights grows louder by the minute. the swishing lulls you like ocean waves, the buzz stabs like mosquito bites. you're a cold blooded animal from deep in the desert, but you still remember what the beach sounds like. the ocean smells like foam blocks. all those years spent flipping into foam pits come back to you. it's nothing to choke on. it's a reminder to breathe deeper. in between the coughs and the sighs and the typing behind glass, the rhythm of the beach starts to take shape. instead of freezing, you //bend// to the beat. the grumpy old man across from you sees your face for the first time. his eyes are red. they look like they've been red for years. the old man can't handle it anymore. he stands up and goes to the bathroom. you float along the waves as they take you upstairs. it's more of the same. sterile, big, loud. echoes for days. you just snap your fingers to the rhythm, and you pray for a better day tomorrow. [[wake up. time for vitals.->VITAL SIGNS1]]

the first night is a stormy one. the shadows deepen with every step. every nurse acts like they already know you. but when you look in their eyes they have to look away. the fire alarm is going off. it only seems to go off when you say something frightening. "who are these showers for?" BEEP-- BEEP-- BEEP-- "that's a dead body sleeping there." BEEP-- BEEEP-- BEEP-- the alarm is chanting a song for you. each wail spells out a clear message. "what does it mean when someone calls you a watermelon?" GET-- OUT-- NOW-- "wait, where's my room again?" GET-- OUT-- NOW-- "i'm not sleeping right now--" GET-- OUT-- "i'm not..." GET-- OUT-- ...goodnight. [[wake up. it's time to take your vitals.->VITAL SIGNS1]]

VITAL SIGNS!! VITALS!!! they have us line up near the nurses' station to check our vital signs. there's a small sleeve to put over your arm. a blood pressure cuff on top. heart rate monitor on your right pointer finger. a temperature reader under your tongue. sit with your feet flat on the ground. straighten up. stop shaking. remember to breathe. //a hypochondriac....// my breathing is shallow. the cuff won't stop pumping. //i think of you, blood pressure spikes....// the cuff lets go. you can barely feel your heart beating. //so have a heart attack....// they say you need an EKG. great. [[let's go to poetry group.->alien wake up]]

Frida is back. she sits in her chair beside the door, minding her business. her phone is pocketed away. no algorithms will haunt this room tonight. you sit on the edge of your bed, itching to go outside, but this poor woman has worked a double watching you. she hasn't gotten a break in hours. you both deserve to take a load off. you start to hum something. some 2012 pop hit. making noise feels better than saying nothing at all. "you have a nice singing voice," Frida comments. "thanks. there's this one specific song i've had looping in my head for days now." she gives you the floor. "What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor--" she picks it up immediately. "--cuz he's hungry! and the only way to feed him is to--" "--sleep with a man for a little bit of money--" "--and his daddy's gone in and out lockdown. I ain't got a job now, he's just smoking rock now--" "--so for you this is just a good time--" "--but for me this is what i call a life!" we can't help but laugh. [[good night, girlie.->DREAM informal introductions]]

the boy sits on a snow-coated branch, holding a small mole in his lap. the mole asks, "what do you dream about?" the boy replies, "home." "home. what's that like?" "i don't know. i'm not sure." "hmm." cut the transmission. we're getting too real here. thank you, children's movie. the boy continues, "but, i know i need one." now here come the waterworks. [[and now you can't fall asleep.->now you CAN'T SLEEP.]]

//"Say it. Say it. SAY IT!// //The sound of fire crackling. The pain of burning heat on flesh--// you shoot up out of bed. your heart is racing. you can hear your heavy breathing cutting through the darkness. //"You know exactly what you've done. All of this is your fault. SAY SOMETHING!!!"// //The sound of things crashing to the floor. Something shatters.// //We can feel our heart pounding in our chest.// you swing your legs over the side of the bed. you carefully rise to your feet. over the sound of your own heartbeat, you manage, "Bathroom." click. the fluorescent light cuts through the dark. you peer at your face in the mirror. //Her eyes meet mine. Her look of fury transforms into horror.// //Flames lick up the walls. Smoke floods our senses, our blood starts to boil--// splash. cold water drips down your face. another splash. again, again. you meet your eyes in the mirror. //The ghost of her eyes stares back.// splash. just a dream. splash again. all gone. [[fifthenigma.->ICE COLD DAY5]]

you took a couple wrong turns and wound up in a mental hospital. this ain't your ordinary game of russian roulette. there's no rounds in the revolver. you get five strikes. what happens when you make it to strike five? [[forget vegging out. you're BUGGING OUT!!!->BUGGING OUT!]]

you've gone stiff again. your brain is soaring; your body is frozen. you remember the man who told you, "This is Not a Game." you start laughing. you can't seem to stop. your tongue is stuck between your teeth. your face is locked in a cheeky smile. Frida isn't watching you tonight. it's another woman who doesn't understand who you are. she sees that you're bugging out. she doesn't offer any help. you manage to leave the bedroom and head to the nurses' station. you need something to break out of this. maybe another injection. where's that horse tranquilizer at? the nurse hands you a small square and tells you to let it melt under your tongue. you oblige. the world starts to smooth out a little. you regain control of your face. the languages and dialects your neighbors are speaking start to coalesce into one mother tongue. yo, wait a second. did they just give me //LSD???// holy shit. good night, america. [[thirdquarter.->GRABBED ESCAPE3]]

naptime. we're making a pitstop in the land of dreams. your most precious record is resting at the top of a vinyl pile. you pick it up. at the bottom of the case is a handwritten list of every person who had a hand in creating the album. you've never taken the time to read the names before. you pull out the A side and place it on your turntable. you hit the start switch. your music starts to play. we reach the end of the record. the needle picks itself up to return to its resting position. then it drops in the middle of the record. a new song starts to play. a blend of the ones you already know and love. the turntable plays to the end of the song, then the needle picks itself back up again. the needle drops on segment after segment, playing songs you've never heard before. the music starts to wash over us. we're pulled into the waves. radio waves. static electricity. the flourescent lights behind your eyelids. they all converge into one. [[enough napping. it's bedtime.->what do you DREAM about?]]

a woman's voice calls out, "breakfast time! breakfast!" a hard knock on the door and a deeper voice reiterates, "Breakfast Time." you roll out of bed. ugh. headache. they're yapping at you like you're a dog. "barkfast! barkfast! awoooo!!!" you make a move to go outside. a new woman is in the chair by your bedroom door. she looks worried for you. "you slept in," she says. "it happens. can we go get breakfast?" "not until you get your vitals done. come on, let's go." her name is Frida. she joins you on line as you wait for the good ol blood pressure/heart rate/temperature check. she doesn't stray. you ask a nurse about that EKG they ordered. it's news to her. she says they can do the EKG after breakfast. bark bark bark. [[eat breakfast with a stranger.->yoshi icebreaker]] [[eat alone.->breakfast club wannabe]]

the nurses and security guards usher you into a wheelchair. it's time to go for a ride. they wheel you down to one of the lower floors. you're brought into a small corner of the hospital with an examination table and a shoddy curtain to give some semblance of privacy. by the table is a woman who looks //just// like someone from your hometown. mom? is that you? the woman asks you to lift your shirt. you do so, bracing for a reaction to your top surgery scars. the woman says nothing. she completes the EKG in less than a minute. then you're whisked back upstairs to your womb. just a few days ago Becky said "i like your t-shirt. do you have the //T// shirt?" yes. i do. but that's none of her business. now someone just touched your bare chest without disgust or pity. it wasn't "intimate." it was impersonal. it was just business. good. [[let's clock in for guard duty.->im a us citizen]] [[you need a goddamn nap->record rodeo]]

Gigi is eating breakfast at a table with people you admire. a sweet older man who can be a fierce guard dog when he needs to be. you call him papi. a woman who's a star rugby player. a younger man who's speaking to papi in spanish. he chuckles at one of papi's jokes. and of course Gigi, the hottest girl around. too bad you pissed her off the other day. she probably hates you. no way you'd be invited to their table. you start humming a song to yourself as you pick at your breakfast. "ride around with a blunt lit, no clip just a butterfly blade on my hip city lights flash as i take a hit now they on my dick like oh, said i wouldn't make it no, now everyday i'm faded oh, i don't wanna be famous no, i just wanna stay jaded oh, everybody hate me oh, everybody hate me oh, everybody hate me........" too bad you don't smoke. [[time for your EKG.->EKG2]]

you're back on line to get your vitals checked. there's some new faces in the mix. a woman who looks like she's seen a ghost. a man with casts on his legs. a young woman campaigning for mayor. you can't stand all the waiting around. you make a move to skip vitals and go to breakfast, but Frida catches your eye and she shakes her head. fine. let's do it for Frida. feet flat on the ground. remember to breathe. you do better this time. the PCT doing your vitals gives you a thumbs up. [[off to breakfast.->breakfast with company]]

you take a seat across from Yoshi and Daniel. we make light conversation while we wait for our meals. here comes Jerome. he walks into the day room mumbling obscenities to himself. he's got three male security guards holding him upright. the guards are smiling. they think this guy's a riot. usually he takes one step in the day room before turning around to retreat back to his bedroom, but today he decides to take a seat at your table. Daniel immediately gets up and leaves. Yoshi gets handed his tray of food and minds his business. your food comes next. you open it up. not bad. we glance at Jerome, size him up, then dig in. none of us speak the rest of breakfast. Jerome gets up to leave after a few minutes, leaving a couple of hard boiled eggs on the table. you stare at the eggs. they're still warm. there's some downtime coming up. how about we.... [[phone a friend]] [[bury a friend]]

you grab a slip of paper from art group and borrow a green marker from the nurses' station. it's about time you started using the phone. the phone cord is short. the phone booth is cramped. the audio volume is poor. but you take the time anyway. one by one you gather your friends' phone numbers. you start to call them every day. hearing from people you love in the outside world gives you something to keep fighting for. you want to go home. my friends are waiting for you. you can wait a little longer. [[day's almost over. let's wrap this up.->what would you do]]

there's a guy on our floor who sees you for who you are. he calls you Red. you have never had a full conversation before. but he knows how you think, and you know how to hold your tongue. you call him Blue. there's a skinny guy on our floor who is always on the move. every minute he pauses to do some squats. in the day room he does tricep dips. at the phone booth he does elevated push ups. the staff give him extra meals. he seems happy to live in this hospital for the rest of his life. but then something cracks. Blue punches the skinny guy in the throat. the skinny guy gets transferred to another unit. Blue gets moved to your private room. you have to move in with a roommate. you're back in women's accommodations. he's back to heavy monitoring. "bury a friend?" who said anyone was dead? [[that's enough for tonight. let's wrap this up.->what would you do]]

the blood pressure cuff hates you today. the PCT tells you to stand up and rest your right arm on the machine. everyone on line is watching. the cuff won't let up. it's making your head spin. there's construction going on upstairs. the constant din of hammer drills rocks your skull. you //know// your heart is acting up with all that noise. the machine's not gonna give a pretty little "all clear" today. you're getting angrier by the second. please just get this over with already. "how are you using the bathroom?" huh? pardon? "the bathroom. have you, you know..." the PCT imitates the sound of poop hitting toilet water. flattering. the answer is no. it's impossible to shit in public. "we'll order you an abdominal X-Ray to make sure it's just constipation. we also need another EKG from you." great. the rest of the day is up to you. the Doctor finally deemed you fit to take care of yourself alone. your guard dogs have officially retired. what you wanna do? [[get your medication.->UNO white CENSORED]] [[stack a jenga tower.->DOS uh oh block fall down]] [[get to know someone new.->TRES new friend gamer time]] [[cool down with a friend.->CUATRO biggie reset]]

you get an x-ray. you're fine, just constipated. here's some lactulose, kid. you'll be fine. alright. lets do something else. [[take your medication.->UNO white CENSORED]] [[stack some jenga blocks.->DOS uh oh block fall down]] [[make a new friend.->TRES new friend gamer time]] [[take it easy with biggie.->CUATRO biggie reset]]

you get another EKG. there's construction one floor up that rattles your chest. the nurse runs the first EKG and throws it away. the construction stops. you try again. your results are normal. average heart rate. your heart conditions are irrelevant here. you're doing fine. lets "do fine" somewhere else then. [[medication time.->UNO white CENSORED]] [[jenga time.->DOS uh oh block fall down]] [[friendship time.->TRES new friend gamer time]] [[chilling out time.->CUATRO biggie reset]]

you get to formally meet your social worker. she's kind, just very busy. you want to be on her good side. maybe she'll let you leave sooner. she finishes the thought for you. you're being discharged in a few days. you did it!!! you got through it! there's a finish line in sight! it's time to celebrate! [[get your medication.->UNO white CENSORED]] [[stack a jenga tower.->DOS uh oh block fall down]] [[get to know someone new.->TRES new friend gamer time]] [[cool down with a friend.->CUATRO biggie reset]] or maybe you're tired of people for now. maybe we give it a rest. [[take a break.->DISCHARGE DATE4]]

your quest through horseshoe hospital is coming to a close. you'll be out of here tomorrow. you're almost too excited to fall asleep. what will the world be like when you get back? are there loose ends you neglected to tie up before you ended up here? what will your home be like? will things stay good? or is there something darker on the horizon? you drift off to the land of dreams. [[it isn't pretty.->DREAM spark aflame]]

you're back in a park you used to nap in. back to when the sound of your breathing was enough to throw you out of the house. there's a farmers market in the park today. you get $20 in food tokens with your SNAP card. you'd just gotten ahold of some cash to spend, but for once the government got you covered. it's nice feeling secure. housing insecurity, food insecurity, job insecurity-- for the first time in your life, none of those players are at the table. you're good. we're good. all we have to do now is breathe. FIN. [[MUSIC CREDITS]]

official hospital roulette tracklist (thank you for your lyricism) (text-style:"underline")[INTRO] bugging! - brakence veg out - underscores (text-style:"underline")[STRIKE ONE - FIRSTEGO] firstego - brakence venus fly trap - brakence (text-style:"underline")[STRIKE TWO - SECONDPORT] secondport - brakence good mourning - halsey obsidian - OmenXIII "What do you dream about?" from The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse (2022) (text-style:"underline")[STRIKE THREE - THIRDQUARTER] thirdquarter - brakence bury a friend - billie eilish what would you do? - city high (text-style:"underline")[STRIKE FOUR - FOURTHSTRIKE] fourthstrike - brakence (text-style:"underline")[STRIKE FIVE - FIFTHENIGMA] fifthenigma - brakence hey, mr. postman - aivi & surasshu opps - kendrick lamar, vince staples, yugen blakrock good luck final girl - underscores boywontcry - brakence feather - nujabes, cise starr, akin from CYNE [[THANK YOU FOR PLAYING!]]

drifting away like a feather in air letting my words take me away from the hurt and despair so im keeping it vertical, forever elevator riding the escalator to something that is greater so im drifting away like a feather in air letting my soul take me away from the hurt and despair so im keeping it vertical, forever elevator riding the escalator to something that is greater so im [[no more.->insecure no more FIN]]

but that girl down the block said if i wanted to escape i could always just knock on her door but i don't need people like her anymore. good luck, final girl. i hope you get what you deserve no one's gonna do your job for you after all that's not how this thing works. [[hey, biggie.->biggie icebreaker]]

somewhere far ahead i go falling far behind it won't be heaven when i leave here i get to moving cuz i'm fine. you know i never wanna be him so why the fucks he on my mind? i'm gonna find another reason and i'll be putting up a fight and if my eyes are ever speaking, i'm gonna hide it, boywontcry, yeah. [[no more.->insecure no more FIN]]

ho ho ho!!! and to all, a good night.