Conversatio Nihilo

"I don't know how to describe it. I'm just -- filled with this yearning. They say yearning is holy... yearning is how we know we're alive. That's fine, I embrace my yearning. But... what's next? "Should I pursue it? Should I wallow in it? If yearning is holy, how could I cure it? Why wander strange roads? Why not just stay at home? "Because I'm empty and alone at home. I'm cold and bored and I hate the aristocracy. I don't want to be among them. I don't want to be part of them." [["Then go."]] [["You'll never be happy."]] [["Learn to love yourself."]]

"Yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll go. I'll get out of here. I don't know where I'll go. I can't imagine it matters. I'll go, I will. I'll get right out of here. "Now's not the time. When the time's right, I'll know. Maybe in the morning. Maybe that's when I'll go. Maybe I'll just pick a place... "But what will I do? It isn't so easy. I have money, you know, but I've never been good at making friends. What if I fail? What if I feel even worse and have nowhere to turn? What if I fall apart, once and for all, and my entire life is a failure?" [["You won't fail."]] [["You have to take that risk."]] [["Then don't go."]]

"Ha! Haha! Don't you see I'm happy right now? Don't you see? I'm laughing at you. Isn't that joy? Isn't that happiness? "You're so right. That's why I'm laughing. Nobody's ever happy, are they? They always think, 'When I get to this place..' 'When I get this thing...' '...then I'll finally be happy!' And it never turns out like that, does it? "You're quite right. Nobody's ever happy. "Or... do you mean me? Do you mean that //I//, personally, am fated to depression while other people, superior people, lucky people, get to be happy?" [["Happiness is a delusion."]] [["Happiness is overrated."]] [["Maybe you will be happy."]]

"Who says I don't love myself? Why says I don't love myself? Is it you? Did you come up with that all by yourself? Is it your acute observation? "Tell me, how do you know if a person doesn't love itself? "Maybe I don't love myself enough. Maybe I don't love myself authentically? How would you know? "I'll tell you this. I'm great. I'm swell. I'm fucking perfect, exactly as I am, exactly as anyone is perfect, and I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be surrounded by love. "You think I don't love myself? You think I don't love myself enough? You think I don't love myself properly?" [["You sound angry."]] [["Yes, that's what I think."]] [["I love you."]]

"Oh, do I? Do I sound angry? Yes, you're right, I'm angry. You know why? It's presumptuous of you. "You want to think you're a healer. You and everyone else. They see me, I'm a sick person. They see me and they want to heal me. (Or else they want to use me.) They see me and they want to heal me, so they fancy themselves healers, don't they? There's nothing better, these days, than to be a healer, is there? It makes you worthy of love. "And you... You presume to be a healer. But I've seen you. I've seen your eyes. Do you really think... that you're meant to be a healer? How do you know you aren't meant to be a killer? And what about me? Aren't I meant to be a killer?" [["I doubt it."|"I don't think it's as bad as all that."]] [["You create yourself each moment."|"You'll know what to do, when the time comes."]]

"Fine, maybe you're right. How would I know if I loved myself. Maybe if I loved myself I wouldn't feel so much like shit. Maybe I wouldn't feel like... "Oh, //you// know how I feel. You feel that way too, don't you? You're one of the ones... "People will say there's something wrong with you. People think something's wrong with me. They're right, of course, but they're all wrong. The only thing wrong with me is I can see what's wrong with all of //them//. "That's the way it is. Nothing matters. This isn't a power. It isn't a curse. It just is. We breed lilacs out of dead ground. Laughter out of dead bellies. "You..." [["I don't think it's as bad as all that."]] [["I'm sorry I couldn't help."]]

"Ha... haha... you don't love me. "You couldn't love me. You don't even know me. Nobody knows me. "You're beautiful. You're beautiful and you're smart. And so am I. So you think you love me. But that's not how it works. We're all rotten. We're all in the grave already. Decaying entrail. We're all rotten in the grave. "Yeah, it's fine. You think you love me. You want to know a secret? Sometimes I think I love you. But I don't. I don't love anyone. I'm not capable of it. Go away." [["I'm sorry I couldn't help."]] [["You'll know what to do, when the time comes."]]

"No, you're wrong. Happiness is very real. I felt it, once. Back when I wasn't alone. "Oh, 'You're not alone now,' you'll say, but you know what I mean. I'm alone now, in a very real sense. Maybe I've always been alone. Maybe even back then the pleasure of certain company deceived me into thinking the world was a place of light and love. Maybe it was merely chemical. "Maybe happiness is a chemical. Is that what you mean? There's no such thing as happiness? No such thing as love? Yes. You're entirely right. But I've felt it. And I've lost it. And now..." [["Look on the bright side..."|"I don't think it's as bad as all that."]] [["Yes, that's how it is."|"I'm sorry I couldn't help."]]

"Happiness? Overrated? Happiness is the only thing that's worth anything. Happiness is the standard by which all else is judged. Happiness is our only goal. "But... that's just my... 'aristocratic programming', isn't it? I've been conditioned to chase happiness because hedonism makes people easy to control. Hedonism is natural for us, and it gives us clear needs. Needs that are easy to fill. So... "Maybe you're right. Maybe happiness is overrated. What should I do? Find a cause to die for? Yes... that sounds like a good plan. I'll take up a rifle and get myself killed, for the good of the planet Earth. Then no-one can say that I was blinded by hedonism." [["You'll know what to do, when the time comes."]] [["Yes, go ahead and do that."|"I'm sorry I couldn't help."]]

"Maybe? Oh, certainly I'll be happy. I'll be happy, when the time is right, when the stars alighn. I'll certainly be happy, some day. That's how happiness works. It comes and goes in waves. But... "That's not really what I mean. We're still dumb animals, you see. Still living for nothing. Infinite wastes, as far as the eye can see. Love? Maybe I'll have love too. And maybe it will encourage me to reproduce my DNA. Maybe it will encourage me to make some beautiful work of art. "I don't see how it matters. I'll just keep doing what I do." [["Everything you do is wonderful."|"You'll know what to do, when the time comes."]] [["Yes, I suppose you will."|"I'm sorry I couldn't help."]]

"I won't fail? You don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of. I can fail in ways you can't even imagine. I'm weak in ways no human can comprehend. "You -- you're as blind as the rest of us. So how can you pretend that you know I won't fail? How can you have this confidence in me? No -- I'm doomed to failure. And so are you. And so are we all. "No, I won't fail, and neither will you, because there's no such thing as failure. Because nothing matters. Because there is no Judge, there is no Arbiter, there is no God... we've all failed already. "... "Maybe I'll try anyway." [["You should trust in your instincts."|"You'll know what to do, when the time comes."]] [["Even if you fail, it won't be that bad."|"I don't think it's as bad as all that."]]

"Yeah, that's right. Life's all about taking risks. Big risks, big rewards. Hard work. Rise higher and higher. Shine brighter and brighter. Then, from the heights of your perfection, face like the mask of the sun, everyone will finally know you and everyone will finally love you for who you are. Don't you see? I'll be able to love myself if I just become strong enough. If I just succeed. "And if I fail... "Well, if I fail, it'll be exactly the opposite. I'll tumble down into a hole and be eaten by my own nausia and despair. Because that's how the world works. Your self-worth and your right to love yourself is entirely a function of your material success. "Isn't that right?" [["It seems I've failed to be much of a help."|"I'm sorry I couldn't help."]] [["But if you trust in yourself, you'll be able to navigate."|"You'll know what to do, when the time comes."]]

"I won't. I will. It doesn't matter. Who knows? "Going, staying, it's all the same. One place... good as another. Same people, same problems, same life. Life doesn't live. I mean that in the worst way possible. This labyrinth! Consumes us! "Oh, I don't know what I'm saying. You see why I can't stay here? This art they're making these days... it's all nonsense! And impotent nonsense at that! "Oh, I yearn for something! But nothing exists! What I yearn for... doesn't exist! I don't even know what I want." [["You'll know what to do, when the time comes."]] [["That's the way of things."|"I'm sorry I couldn't help."]]

"Oh, I suppose you've helped as much as anyone. I like talking to you, you know. You're smarter than most people. It makes me feel... it makes me feel alive again. If only all life could be like this. If only we could discuss things frankly... "But you know how society is. You know what they'll think if I don't manage to keep up appearances. //You// don't keep up appearances, at least. I wish //I// could be that brave. "Oh, don't try to tell me anything. It's already settled. I'll just... do whatever I do. Probably I'll do whatever they tell me. "Come on. We've been out here too long, haven't we?" [["Please don't leave me."]]

"Yeah, well, I always do. Or, rather, I always do something. Whatever I do, that turns out to be what I was fated to do, in retrospect. Mistake or success... It doesn't really matter. That's life. Isn't it? "Well, you and me... oh, we've always been such good friends. But I still don't see it. What are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to live, with the world like this? How are we supposed to... How are we supposed to... even know what we want? "So the question of 'love' or 'not love'... doesn't really enter into it... since we're all adrift from the beginning. "... "Should we... drift back inside? I'm feel much better now." [["Please don't leave me."]]

Please play this game only once. In real life, there are no second chances. (if: $played is not 1)[ [[START]] ]

But you can't say that. Because that's not how it goes. You yourself are too afraid to reach out in that way. Even when someone is begging for your touch, they might still recoil from your touch. Even when someone is begging for your warmth, they might still recoil from your warmth. Love is when you can show yourself vulnerable without provoking aggression. But what about provoking coldness? Is coldness a kind of aggression? An architectural aggression of gray concrete and winds howling down city streets? Is fear a kind of aggression? And, if your love is only met with loathing, are you incapable of love? (set: $played = 1)

"No. No, it's never... it's never really as bad as it seems. I'm okay. I really am. I promise. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I'm not the sort. I'll just continue quietly suffering here. "Here. Take this. Do you want a token of my affection? A reward, or something, for putting up with me? Come on, I insist. You've been so generous, coming out here and talking with me. I know you must have better things to do. I know you must think me... a bit of an idiot. "You seem sad. What's wrong? Do you want to say something?" [["Please don't leave me."]]