I just want to remember

I know you loved me once, not long ago. Last week in fact. I felt it in everything you did: by the tone of your voice, by your touch, by the way you looked at me. //Oh, the way you looked at me.// When you told me you loved me, I believed you. I was so happy, way back then. But the hours turned into days and the days were just days, but felt like years. Without you my life is routine. I eat, I sleep, I work. I carry you with me throughout the first hours after we part. Thinking of you keeps me company as we parallel play across the few miles that separate us. When you send me a message, seeing your name reignites the spark and I'm high again on loving and being loved by you. The hours turn into days, routine is punctuated by longing. The missing you hurts. I push it away and without meaning to, push you away with it. The colours of our romance fade to sepia. I start to forget. I don't want to forget and so I call you, in tears again. You tell me you love me and I try and believe you, but you sound so far away and your words conjure a time I can barely recall. I reach for the memory, but you and me as we are located in the long ago. I've forgotten you again, I've forgotten us. Tell me you love me, say it again, but not like that. Like you mean it. I need you to tell me our love story. Explain it to me like I'm a stranger. Please. [[I just want to remember.->Title Page]]

//''I just want to remember.''// This is a story about loving and forgetting that provides three different experiences of the same date. As the day progresses, you will have choices that may, or may not, shape the narrative. There are only so many things you can control, and it's hard to tell whether anything you do will make a difference. Sometimes all you can do is [[let it happen->Before]].

It has only been three days since I last saw you, but what is a day but a label? Such labels allow us to connect with each other, but obscure our differences. Reducing the felt experience of a day to a word, or number in a diary, can make us forget that time is relative. The best diaries are filled with blank pages, receptacles upon which days, and years, can be expanded to encompass our personal experiences of them - or to sketch a rough outline, at least. Anyway, when I say it has only been three days since I last saw you, what I mean to say is that the first day felt like five minutes, the second felt like a week and the third may as well have been a year and you're still on my mind, but when it's time to get ready for our date and I'm left alone with the worst parts of myself I'm struggling to remember why you would even turn up. I check my phone. No messages. [[-->Good route 1]] I'm really excited about the day ahead, I message first to confirm the time! [[-->Neutral route 1]] You've been really distracted lately and probably have a lot going on. I wait for you to message me. [[-->Bad route 1]] I can't remember the last time you messaged me first. It feels like I don't exist to you when I'm not around.

I text you saying good morning and tell you how HYPED I am to see you, how even thinking about you is making my heart beat faster. I'm glad we're meeting early because on days like this the anticipation of seeing you fills my mind until it overflows into all of my being and there's no space for anything but thoughts of you. On days like this 'me' fades into 'us'. I spend hours on my appearance. I want so badly to take your breath away, that I almost forget to breathe myself. You text me back and I: [[-->Good route 2]] Reply right away and confirm the details with nudes attached. [[-->Neutral route 2]] Check you're not too busy for the date and confirm the details. [[-->Bad route 2]] Wait an hour to reply, it always feels like I'm waiting for you, you should wait for me too.

I feel a bit off, but because I can't tell whether this is a 'me' thing or a 'we' thing, I send you a message letting you know that I'm looking forward to our date today and that it would be great if we could set a time so I know how to plan the rest of my day. Your reply takes so damn long. I'm sure you have a different reason every time, that your phone is just in another room, but you always have it on you when you're with me, so I wonder whether you're swiping left on my affection. I feel like my communication is an inconvenient prelude to getting laid, or maybe I'm projecting again. [[-->Good route 2]] I know what will get your attention. I send you a kiss, with nudes attached. [[-->Bad route 3]] I know I'm being irrational and refuse to be held hostage by my stupid, clingy feelings. I wait it out. [[-->Neutral route 2]] I decide to message you like everything is fine and hope it begins to feel that way.

I try and do other things whilst I wait for you to message, but it's hard to settle into anything when I don't know what our plans are. It always takes me a while to settle in and fully focus on a task and what if I get started and you tell me you want to meet earlier and then have to stop part the way through? It would be a waste of time. Sometimes I think that you don't value my time as much as I value yours and it's difficult to remind myself that //I// should value my time too. You don't even know that I'm waiting for you. You don't know that I just want to know that you're excited to see me. Why don't you text me good morning? It's like you don't even think about me. Anyway, I can't stop thinking about you. It's so annoying. This feels like it might be a spiral? Is it a spiral? Everything else is going so well and I've //really// been looking after myself lately. I try so hard at everything I do, but I can never trust myself when it comes to you. I never know what to say, or if I should say anything at all. [[-->Neutral route 1]] I push away my doubts and act like I don't have them. If I act like everything is fine, it //will// be fine. It's unfair to compare you to all the people who never showed up. [[-->Good route 2]] If I want you to feel excited I should do things to //make// you feel excited! I send you picture after naked picture to remind you of me. [[-->Bad route 2]] Just keep waiting and hoping and waiting-

I message you like it's a normal day (which it is) and then I wait... I know I shouldn't wait, but when I know I have plans later it's like a switch gets flipped and I can't concentrate on anything else. Fuck. I wish you would text me back. Sometimes I fucking - I recognise that my head is taking me to some dark places. It would be a good idea to do something a little more constructive with my time and, hopefully, if I do that, its passage will be less painful. [[-->Neutral route 3]] I decide to use my therapy workbook and do one of my exercises. [[-->Bad route 3]] I start getting ready to go out, might as well, even though it's early.

The pictures always get your attention and your reaction to them makes me feel so //seen//. After taking them, I put on clothes that make me glitter. I sparkle and everything sparkles back. I'm so happy, so thrilled with how I look and so high on the thought of you and the way you look at me when I look like this. It's still hours before we're due to meet up, but I'm already dressed and I'd like to work - but I still can't focus - so I clean the apartment and sing loudly enough to annoy my neighbours, but I don't care because they don't exist; the only thing that exists is the me that I am with you. I have a playlist for this: Happy Love Songs on Repeat. I remember all the songs we've ever danced to. We're not great singers, but our best days are harmonies, our love story a symphony. What is our song? Do we have one? Is that stuff only in movies, or is it something real people do? What music makes you think of me? [[-->Bad diversion 2.2]] I message you and ask! Tell me what our song is? What reminds you of me, when I'm not around? [[-->Good route 3]] A song comes on that makes me think of you, I send it with heart-eyes. [[-->Neutral route 2]] I ask whether we have a song and if it's a thing that would be nice to have?

I wait a while... Then I wait a little while longer, but it's hard to wait when every minute feels like an hour. I try and distract myself, to make the time pass more quickly, but I (text-style:"fidget")[just can't focus.] I know that you're a busy person and I'm sure I //must// cross your mind... You haven't given me a reason not to trust you, but I fabricate one from the off-cuts of our relationship, then cut the stitches before trying it on because I'd rather not know if the garment fits. You say you love me and //sometimes// I believe you, but perhaps I love you more. That's ok. I know that emotion is relative and I seem to feel things more than most people... or do I just feel things more in comparison to you? Maybe we don't speak the same love language and maybe if I try just a little harder I will eventually become fluent in you. [[-->Good route 2]] I know what will get your attention. I send you a kiss, with nudes attached. [[-->Bad route 3]] I know I'm being irrational and refuse to be held hostage my stupid, clingy feelings. I wait it out. [[-->Neutral route 2]] I decide to message you like everything is fine and hope it begins to feel that way.

Even though it's incredibly boring, I open the therapy workbook and start to read. Take a (text-colour:#2b9798)["REST"] says the book. [[-->Bad route 3]] Fine. I'll take a rest. From this boring book. For always. I go and get ready instead. [[-->Neutral therapy 1]] I keep reading. Not everything I need to do in life will be fun.

You like the song, so it becomes 'our song' in my head and I sing it all the way down the street after I've left my apartment. It's still too early, but I couldn't possibly STAY INSIDE on a DAY LIKE THIS, so I take a longer walk to get to the café and flirt with everyone I meet because the day is beautiful and I am beautiful and everyone I meet is so damn beautiful! I wish that every day could feel like today, but I know when I'm up I come crashing down and I [[-->Bad route 3.5]] know that the higher I fly, the further I'll fall- [[-->Good route 4]] JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, I will feel this good, for always.

I take a long walk to ride the high tide of my mood. I can't remember the last time I felt so happy and so free and I just want it to last forever. The wind is blowing at just the right angle and I feel like if I jumped the right way, I could fly. Everyone smiles at me, and I smile back. When men look at me, I stare back for a dangerous amount of time. I keep walking and walking and oops I better turn around because otherwise I'm going to be late, but I don't really care all that much because I'm having a BLAST right now. [[-->Good route 5]] I reroute and head back to the café and wait for you.

In the time it takes you to text me back, I get ready. I spend hours on my appearance in the hope that I can make myself look captivating enough to capture your attention. When I check my make-up, it looks like a mask. I check my phone and you haven't messaged me. The seconds feel like minutes which feel like hours. I have so many texts from so many wonderful people, but none of them are from you and I can't help but wonder why it matters so much. I don't want it to. Perhaps it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's fine, I'm fine. Today is just another day. Eventually you text me back and we confirm a time. [[-->Bad route 4]] I decide to go to the café and do some work, because work always makes me feel better. [[-->Neutral route 4]] It's still early, but I need to leave this apartment before I suffocate. I go for a walk to settle my nerves. [[-->Good route 5]] I go to the café and spend my time listening to good tunes and doing silly things on social media to entertain myself.

Sitting in the sunshine, in one of my favourite places, listening to some of my happiest tunes feels wonderful. When you turn the corner, my heart starts beating so loudly I can't hear anything else, not even my own mind. I'm so happy to see you that it feels like I could pass out and it makes me panic I: [[-->Good route 6]] don't disguise my excitement, I'm so happy to see you and I give you a big hug. PDAAAAA!!! [[-->Bad route 6]] don't think you look that happy to see me and it makes me feel like shit. I say hi, but the vibes feel so off. It feels like you don't even like me sometimes. [[-->Neutral route 6]] think you look a bit distracted, but that's nothing new. We go inside and get a table. I ask how you are.

We go inside and get a table near the window. The conversation is a little slow to start with so [[-->Bad route 7]] I wait for you to speak. Why is it always up to me to make the effort to say something? [[-->Good route 7]] I tell you about all of the wonderful things I have been doing today, I always have things to talk about and I'm happy to fill the silence. [[-->Neutral route 6]] I think you seem a bit more quiet than usual, I ask you how you are.

Even though the café is one of my favourite places, I have trouble focusing. All I want to do is work, but today is a write-off. Everything feels so difficult that I find it hard to remember why I organised this in the first place. I feel like shit. [[-->Bad route 5]] Maybe I'll cancel. I don't want to risk taking out my difficulties on you. [[-->Good route 5]] I was excited for this. I want to see you. I'll ride it out.

I walk through the park to enjoy the rare, sunny weather. I'm still early when I reach the café, so I take a seat outside and watch people walk by, then take out my kindle and read. Part of me wishes: [[-->Bad route 4]] you were early too. I feel disappointed that I'm more eager to see you than you are to see me. [[-->Good route 5]] that I'd got here even earlier, because I'm having such a good time reading. [[-->Neutral route 5]] that I always made an effort to set aside time, just for me.

I pack away my laptop, but you turn the corner when I'm about to text you and it's too late to cancel now. I wish I had a minute to compose myself. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can talk to you about it. You don't look happy to see me. It feels like you //know// what I was going to do. Can you read my mind? Fuck. I feel so uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with myself. [[-->Good route 6]] I reach for your hand, in an attempt to close the distance. [[-->Bad route 6]] I let you go in first and keep my distance.

I love the way you look when I make you laugh. It's a feeling like no other! I want to tell you EVERYTHING. I talk about all of the projects I've been working on and [[-->Good route chat 1]]

I'm so absorbed in my book that I hardly notice when you turn up, but I'm happy to see you and give your arm a gentle squeeze. We go in together, take a seat and browse the menu. You seem a little quiet so [[-->Neutral route 6]] I ask you how you're feeling. [[-->Bad route 7]] I leave room for silence, hoping you'll start the conversation.

all the people I've been talking to this week and [[-->Good chat 2]]

about all of the new friends I've been making and [[-->Good chat 3]]

about all of the books I've been reading and about [[-->Good chat 4]]

the bus driver I was flirting with across the road and how it made me laugh that I feel ATTRACTIVE enough to stop traffic [[-->Good chat 5]]

(text-style:"shudder")[and about how I've been working REALLY HARD to manage my mood and maybe this time, finally, maybe I'm ACTUALLY fixed and maybe I won't feel bad again because it feels so good to feel good and if I keep trying REALLY HARD maybe it'll stick this time][[-->Transition 4]]

The vibes are good and the cake is too! Everything is SO perfect and you look so gorgeous that I just want to cover your stupid face with kisses and fuck you into oblivion... <3 You start to smile a bit more easily - it makes me SO HAPPY to make you happy. I hope I make you happy~ I look into your eyes- [[-->Good route 9]] it feels like we're meeting for the first time; it's so exciting to steal glances at you when you're not looking. I bet you're looking at me too. [[-->Bad route 8]] and you look away so quickly I wonder what about me is so fucking repulsive that you'd rather look at anything else: out the window, at the table, at other people, but not at me. You look bored and disinterested. I can't remember why I even bothered turning up? [[-->Neutral route 7]] you look a little tired and distracted. It's OK. I know you're not that comfortable with eye contact. It's just nice to be in your company.

Maybe, if I work hard enough, things will feel normal between us. Maybe if I work hard enough, I'll feel like I deserve to be happy. Maybe if I work hard enough, a date will just feel like a date and not an ultimatum. Maybe if I try hard enough, I won't keep forgetting us. Sometimes I think: [[-->Bad route 8]] That all of my efforts are futile. Are things supposed to be this hard? Am I broken? It doesn't seem fair that I have to work so hard to be normal. [[-->Neutral route 8]] That even though I might never know what 'normal' love feels like, perhaps I'll be able to handle the ups and downs a little better, if I just keep trying. [[-->Good route 8]]That I am a fucking awesome person who could effortly replace god, so what does it matter? Just fucking vibe~

When you tell me that you're 'fine, just tired', at first, I feel a little taken aback. My friends never have a problem telling me what's on their minds. I wonder what I've done to make you feel so uncomfortable speaking with me. Do you even //like// talking to me? [[-->Neutral route 7]] I guess I'll start- [[-->Bad route 8]] Why does this feel so forced?

I order another coffee and when you reach across the table to hold my hand I- [[-->Neutral route 7]] realise showing affection in in public doesn't seem to come that naturally to you, so I take your hand too and give it a reassuring squeeze to let you know I appreciate the gesture. [[-->Transition 5]] make eye contact and take your hand in mine. I feel so seen. It's so nice to be out with you - like we're a couple, doing COUPLE things. [[-->Bad route 8]] feel like this is a little forced, like you're doing something you feel you //have// to do, rather than something you //want// to do.

I don't know how long we've been silent for, but each moment drags. I finally break the silence, because I don't trust you to do it. I am so fucking stressed I want the table to set itself on fire - that'd be a conversation starter. [[-->Bad route 8]] I literally can't with this. I take out my phone and start messaging someone who //does// want to talk with me. [[-->Neutral route 6]] I wonder why you're quiet today and ask how you are.

I remember that sometimes you have trouble 'opening up', which is not something I experience. Perhaps if I talk a little first, it will make you feel more comfortable. I tell you about my week and how sometimes when I'm working very hard I find it hard to disengage and be present and that having time off makes me panic a little. While I talk it feels like you're not really listening to me. You seem so distant and I don't know why. Are you distant or disinterested? I tell myself you must have had a really difficult week. Maybe you didn't feel like coming today. We order food. [[-->Neutral route 8]] I make the decision not to do anything impulsive. I'm willing to be patient. [[-->Bad route 8]] It feels like every week is a 'difficult' week and I'm tired of feeling like I'm one more chore on your to do list.

We finish up, split the bill and leave. You ask me back to your place and I- [[-->Good route 10]] lean in close and I tell you YES take me back to your place and //take// me. I want to dissolve into ''us''. [[-->Good route 10]] feel off. I'm so bad at this, at dating. I want to get you into bed, to show you I'm good at //something//. [[-->Neutral ending 1]] tell you I'd love to keep spending time together. Things still feel a little off, but I'm probably just having trouble picking up good vibes today. It happens. I wish it didn't, but I like to think we're both trying our best.

Why aren't you looking at me? What have I done? Have I upset you and you just haven't said anything? We order and I focus on the food that I don't want to eat because my emotions are making me ill again. I chew and swallow and act like I'm enjoying it, but I just want to be sick. My hands are shaking. Everything is way too bright and way too loud. I don't want to be here! I have learned ways of feeling better, but all of them involve leaving and I don't want to leave because it feels like if I leave, I'll need to explain why and I've forgotten all of the 'normal' excuses I could make. I don't know what to do. You ask me if I'm OK, but I know you don't care, so what's the point?! [[-->Transition 6]] I act like everything is OK. Things will get better. I know they will. [[-->Neutral route 10]]I tell you I feel a bit stressed today and I need to take a few minutes to compose myself.

When we get back to your apartment I waste no time. I push you against the wall and reach under your shirt. I want to feel //all// of you and I //need// it to be //now//. You tell me to slow down, so I do. When you take control it makes me feel //wanted// and //needed// and incredibly shy. When you push yourself inside me, it feels like it's the first time. The sex is good, but the way you //look// at me when we fuck is //better//. You marvel at my body and tell me I am beautiful and I [[-->Bad ending 10 edit]] wonder why it took until we were alone, in bed together, for you to say that to me. [[-->Good ending 11]] tell you I KNOW I am and you are too and that WE are beautiful together and that-

When we order food and you're occupied with eating, you finally start to tell me about the things you've been doing. I listen, give verbal nods and ask questions which are relevant to the stories you tell me. I try my best not to lead the conversation in another direction now you're starting to open up. [[-->Bad route 8]] Still, I wish you'd look at me. [[-->Neutral route 9]] I concentrate on my meal and listen.

- I love you. FUCKING HELL. I love you. So much that it scares me and the ecstasy morphs into panic because I know that I can't stop what's about to happen and the sad thing is, it has already started and I didn't even notice. I try to hold onto the good feelings, but the memory of our love slips through my fingers like sand and what little I have left to hold cuts my palms like glass. Is this what 'love' is supposed to feel like? It can't be, otherwise no one would do it. Right? ''Right''? Will it always hurt this much? I want to cry, so I do. I beg you to to leave me, to find someone normal. I wasn't made for this, I was born broken. How could you //possibly// be happy with someone like me? I don't understand. You try and comfort me, but I don't //know// you. I've forgotten you again, I've forgotten us. You ask me what you can do to help[[-->Bad ending 10.2]]

we should make fucking each other our job, because we're so damn good at it! I would fuck you every minute of every day if I could. I rest my head against your chest and listen to your heart and I feel so close to you that I start to feel all of the feelings I push to the side because falling in love is falling apart and[[-->Bad ending 10]]

I ask you to tell me you love me Say it again, but not like that. //Like you mean it//. I need you to tell me our love story. Explain it to me like I'm a stranger. Please. [[I just want to remember.->The Forgetting]]

You tell me you've never really thought about it. Well, OK then. Sometimes I wonder why I bother asking. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too intense. Sometimes I wonder whether I feel things too much. Sometimes I wonder if this is a me thing, or if this is in fact, a //we// thing. I have been working on myself a lot, but no amount of work on me will change who we are together. Who even are we together? I forget. [[-->Good route 3]] I have a song for remembering these things! I send it to you. [[-->Bad route 4]] Maybe I just need to see you. Maybe you'll remind me... I get ready and leave my apartment, hoping a change of scenery will help me feel better.

We finish up, split the bill and leave. You ask me back to your place and I- [[-->Bad route 9]] still feel off. I'm so bad at this, at relationships. I want to get you into bed, to show you I'm good at //something//. [[-->Neutral route 10]] tell you I'd love to keep spending time together. Things still feel a little off, but I'm probably just having trouble picking up good vibes today. It happens. I wish it didn't, but I like to think we're both trying our best.

When we get back to your apartment I tell you how much I want to //fuck// you. We kiss for a while, but the vibes are off. I wonder if it's how I look or if it's something I've done? I just want to connect and this is the only way I know how, but I would never pressure you. Everything we do just feels wrong. I consider leaving. [[-->Bad route 10]] so I do. [[-->Bad route 11]] and I tell you.

I tell you I feel unwell and I have a meeting in the morning, so I walk out and don't turn back. [[-->Bad ending 12]]I hope that some time alone will make me feel better.

You seem surprised and ask me why. We sit in silence, then after a while, I tell you I've been having one of my forgetting days. I tell you that it's not your fault. You hold me, but you feel like a stranger and I want to run away. You try and comfort me, but I don't //know// you. I've forgotten you again, I've forgotten us. You ask me what you can do to help[[-->Bad ending 10.2]]

I go back to my apartment and I do all of the 'good' things. I hope that the distance will make the pain less, so I can act a little more rationally. The hours turn into days, routine is punctuated by longing. The missing you hurts. I push it away and without meaning to, push you away with it. The colours of our romance fade to sepia. I don't want to forget and so I call you, in tears again. You tell me you love me and I try and believe you, but you sound so far away and your words conjure a time I can barely recall. I reach for the memory, but you and me as we are located in the long ago. I've forgotten you again, I've forgotten us. Tell me you love me, say it again, but not like that. Like you mean it. I need you to tell me our love story. Explain it to me like I'm a stranger. Please. [[I just want to remember.->Title Page]]

I try and concentrate on the good things. I stop in a park and get out a book to read, but the words aren't going in. I decide to go to the café. Maybe it'll be more comfortable. [[-->Bad route 4]]I go inside and try to read again. [[-->Good route 5]]I sit in the sun and listen to some happy tunes whilst I wait.

(text-colour:#2b9798)["Now that you’ve identified some of your own self-destructive and problematic behaviors—as well as their costs—the first distress tolerance strategy you need to learn is REST. REST is an acronym that reminds you to: Relax Evaluate Set an intention Take action. Changing any behavioral habit is difficult."] [[-->Bad route 3]] You don't fucking say. This is dumb. Get ready instead. [[-->Neutral therapy 2]] Keep reading.

(text-colour:#2b9798)["It requires you to know what actions you want to change, when you want to change them, and what alternative actions you want to do instead. But equally important, it also requires that you remember that you want to do something differently in the first place. Often this is the hardest step—remembering that you want to change—especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions." ] That tracks. [[-->Bad therapy transition]] My phone vibrates - is it you? [[-->Neutral therapy 3]] Keep reading, it can wait.

(text-colour:#2b9798)["When you get overwhelmed by painful emotions, often your first instinct is to act impulsively and to engage in some type of habitual self-destructive or problematic behavior (like the ones you previously identified)." ] My phone vibrates. [[-->Neutral therapy 4]] Keep reading. [[-->Bad therapy transition]] Check my phone.

I check my phone. It's a Pokémon GO notification. Fuck sake. [[-->Neutral therapy 3]] Go back to reading. [[-->Bad therapy ending diverted]] Sort out my Pokémon.

Even though I started doing something else, being on my phone reminds me of you. I decide I don't want to wait any longer and send a message, even though I feel shitty about it. [[-->Bad route 4]] We confirm a time and I leave the apartment, taking my laptop with me. Maybe doing some work will make me feel better.

(text-colour:#2b9798)["This happens because, unless you’re prepared in those moments of heightened emotion, you might not even remember that you had planned to do something differently. So, how do you prepare to make healthier decisions when you’re feeling overwhelmed? The first step to changing any problematic or self-destructive behavior—and to not act impulsively—is to use the REST strategy: Relax, Evaluate, Set an intention, and Take action." ] (text-colour:#2b9798)[[[-->Neutral therapy 5]] Relax.] [[-->Bad therapy transition]] Check my phone.

What I've read makes a lot of sense, more sense than I want it to. I think about the kinds of emotions I've been experiencing today and wonder where they're coming from. I consider whether these normal, minor annoyances are amplified because I'm having an off day and consider whether my stress levels are affecting my perception of things. Maybe I am overthinking, but I'm so used to having to weigh up every possible outcome that 'overthinking' feels like common sense and perhaps I'm just projecting my insecurities onto our relationship. Maybe I'm sabotaging myself. What should I do about it? (text-colour:#2b9798)[[[-->Neutral therapy 7]] Set an intention.] [[-->Bad therapy ending diverted]] Check my phone.

I decide to have a nice, long bath to relax before I get ready to face the rest of the day. Afterwards, I take my time applying my make-up; it feels therapeutic. (text-colour:#2b9798)[[[-->Neutral therapy 6]] Evaluate.] [[-->Bad therapy ending diverted]] Check my phone.

I decide that I want to try and be my best self today, and if not my best self, a self that won't do things I will regret later. I'm still thinking all of these awful thoughts. How can I make myself feel better? [[-->Bad therapy ending diverted]] Check my phone. (text-colour:#2b9798)[[[-->Neutral therapy 8]] Take action.]

I think back to one of the exercises I taught myself from the book. It's called 'thought diffusion'. I close my eyes, quiet my mind and picture the thoughts as leaves floating down a river[[...->Leaf 1]]

(text-colour:#2b9798)[(text-style:"buoy")[You don't even like me.]] [[...->Leaf 2]]

(text-colour:#2b9798)[(text-style:"buoy")[You're too busy for me.]] [[...->Leaf 3]]

(text-colour:#2b9798)[(text-style:"buoy")[You will never love me as much as I love you.]] [[...->Leaf 4]]

(text-colour:#2b9798)[(text-style:"buoy")[I am unloveable.]] [[...->Leaf 5]]

I tell myself that these are just my feelings. These are just my feelings and they will not kill me. I remind myself that even though I might think the bad things sometimes, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are true. I might not be able to control how I feel, but I can control how I respond to those feelings. Maybe if I act how I would like to feel, I can improve my day. [[...->Good therapy ending 2]]

We confirm the details and I decide to take myself for a walk before we meet. Perhaps I'll even do some reading! That might help settle my mood. [[...->Neutral route 4]]

I think back to the book. (text-colour:#2b9798)["REST strategy: Relax, Evaluate, Set an intention, and Take action"] So what does this look like in practice? How can I help myself feel better? I exit the bathroom and tell you I would love to spend the evening with you, but something has come up for work and I need to deal with that really quickly. You tell me it's not a problem and you'll meet me back at your place. When you disappear from view, I circle back to the park and find my favourite bench. (text-colour:#2b9798)["REST strategy: Relax, Evaluate, Set an intention, and Take action"] [[-->Meditation 1]] To (text-colour:#2b9798)[relax], I close my eyes and focus on my breathing.

Not looking at someone when they're speaking feels strange to me. //Why do men only want to look me in the eyes when they're fucking me?// But, perhaps it makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's nothing personal, just one of your mannerisms. I'm sure I must do things that you don't understand either. Just knowing that you're here with me is enough. I just wish I could connect with you a little better. When we finish you ask me back to your place. I tell you that sounds great, but I need a minute and excuse myself. [[-->Neutral route 10]] It's time to reflect.

I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to think. I consider my own behaviour and wonder if I'm treating you well or if my 'crazy' is showing. I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best not to take every small thing you do personally, but it hurts to feel so unimportant to someone so important to me. (text-style:"shudder")[I'm trying my best. ] Sometimes I don't know if I'm broken, or I'm trying to use logic to fix a broken emotional dynamic. It would be easier if I had some kind of baseline, but I don't know what to expect from you, and what's worse is that I don't know what to expect from me, either. I want to feel better, but I don't know how. [[-->Good route 10]] I decide to go back to yours and //remind// you how good we are together. [[-->Bad route 10]] This feels too difficult. I need to be alone. (if:(history: where its name contains "Good therapy ending")'s length >= 1)[[[-->Neutral ending 1]] I'll give tonight a chance, but I need to (text-colour:#2b9798)[REST ]first.]

[[-->Meditation 2]](enchant:?passage,(text-colour:#2b9798))I breathe in for 1

[[-->Meditation 3]](enchant:?passage,(text-colour:#2b9798)) 2

[[-->Meditation 4]](enchant:?passage,(text-colour:#2b9798)) 3

[[-->Meditation 5]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [4]

[[-->Meditation 6]](enchant:?passage,(text-colour:#2b9798)) and hold for 1

[[-->Meditation 7]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [2]

[[-->Meditation 8]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [3]

[[-->Meditation 9]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [4]

[[-->Meditation 10]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [5]

[[-->Meditation 11]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [6]

[[-->Meditation 12]](enchant:?passage,(text-colour:#2b9798)) and out for 8

[[-->Meditation 13]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [7]

[[-->Meditation 14]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [6]

[[-->Meditation 15]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [5]

[[-->Meditation 16]] (text-colour:#2b9798) [4]

(text-colour:#2b9798) [3, 2 1] [[...->TD1]]

I picture my thoughts as leaves floating down a river: (text-colour:#2b9798)[(text-style:"buoy")[You don't even like me.]] [[...->TD2]]

(text-colour:#2b9798)[(text-style:"buoy")[You're too busy for this relationship.]] [[...->TD3]]

(text-colour:#2b9798)[(text-style:"buoy")[I am unloveable.]] [[...->TDEnd]]

(text-colour:#2b9798)[And I let them drift away...] [[...->Evaluate]]

The exercise relaxes me enough to grant me distance from my emotions which I (text-colour:#2b9798)[evaluate.] [[...->Evaluate 2]]

I think back to all the dates we've been on, dates which felt easier and more natural. Dates that went well. I think about all the times I haven't spiralled and consider whether you're behaving any differently. I also consider whether there are things that I have been doing, which make you feel uncomfortable. I come to the conclusion that you're just being you, but I'm having trouble perceiving things in a positive way, which is making me panic because some of your behaviours are similar to signals that others have sent before. I think about the exes who didn't show me affection in public, because they were using me to cheat. I think about the times that saying the wrong thing was dangerous. I think about the times when silence was used to imply threat. I think about all the times that people treated me well to gain access to my body, only to treat me with indifference after I gave it to them. I think about how I'm used to people wanting me LOUDLY and DANGEROUSLY and with a passion that bordered on OBSESSION. [[...->Evaluate 3]]

I think about how you, in spite of all of our difficulties, are not any of those bad things. I remember the way you looked at me when we first kissed, the way you made sure that I was OK the first time we made love, and the way you held me afterwards. I remember how much I love you and all of the small and quiet ways that you show that you love me. On days like today, I just can't hear them. But I want to. [[...->Intention]]

I set an intention to tell you how I've been feeling today and talk about ways to close the perceived distance between us. I set an intention to tell you I love you, because I know when I do, I'll mean it with my whole, damn heart. I set an intention to get through this difficult day, and to remember that there will be brighter ones ahead. [[...->Take action]]

When I get to your apartment, I message and ask you to come downstairs so we can go for a walk and have a conversation without sitting across from each other. We walk and talk. I ask whether you've had a good time, and you tell me you've had a lovely afternoon, which surprises me. I tell you I have too, but I feel a little distant. As always, you tell me that you're here for me. I tell you that I know it, but I can't //feel// it. I tell you that I don't know how to reach you, I feel so lost. [[...->True ending]]

"Do you remember how you got so far away? Can you retrace your steps?" "I think so." I reply. "Well," you say. "Draw me a map." So I did. [[~->Credits and Acknowledgements]]

and, one by one, I let them drift away... [[~->Good therapy ending]]

Game designer: Gabriel Elvery (link: "Website")[(goto-url: "https://gabrielelvery.pro")] Thank you to my wonderful playtesters: (link: "Meghan Woziwodzki")[(goto-url: "https://www.instagram.com/caberoni_art/")] (link: "Dralanco ")[(goto-url: "https://twitter.com/Dralanco")] (link: "Robert Dinsdale")[(goto-url: "https://twitter.com/Robert_Dinsdale")] (text-colour:#2b9798)[(link: "Justine Houyaux")[(goto-url: "https://twitter.com/justinehouyaux")]] (link: "Ayup Ryan")[(goto-url: "https://twitter.com/Ayup_Ryan")] (link: "India Rose Barge")[(goto-url: "https://twitter.com/IndiaRoseBarge")] (link: "Francis John Guillem Gene-Rowe")[(goto-url: "https://lost-astronaut-games.itch.io/")] (link: "Eva Cat McLean")[(goto-url: "https://twitter.com/EvaCatMcLean")] If you find any errors or inconsistencies, feel free to contact me about them and I will add your name to the above list~ ''Bibliography'' (text-colour:#2b9798)[The therapy book is: //The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance //by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood and Jeffrey Brantley.] [[Return to title page->Title Page]]

Content warning: //"Are you not worried you might push someone over the edge with it? It feels a lot like a psych eval for someone on the edge. A bit dark." //- Anon playtester. // //Disclaimer:// ////This game is a work of fiction that may have once been true. This makes it no less true for you.// [[Begin.->The Forgetting]]

Do you even //like// me? Do you love me, or do you love having sex with me? These are two, not mutually exclusive, but ''different'' things. When we finish I just want to cry. You hold me, but you feel like a stranger and I want to run away. You try and comfort me, but I don't //know// you. I've forgotten you again, I've forgotten us. You ask me what you can do to help[[-->Bad ending 10.2]]