i wait to be rejected\n\ntake all i can from the light\nthe space\nwaking me\n\nwait for the hatch to slam\n\n[[but it doesn't|free]]

rust and mired sludge dried with the salted water\nit tastes divine\n\none time the chute slit open and down rolled\na ring\n\na simple red loop that i had lost. folded into a clover\nchurned up and sent back to me\n\ni held it under my tongue and hoped\n\n[[for anything|reaction]]

thinner here. and flexing slightly \nthe metal's tension lost. shrugged and sighed itself softer\n\n[[scratched|scratch]] deep\ntrembling slightly with all that swells [[beyond|listen]]\n\n<<if $three is true>>something is calling\nto something of me<<endif>>\n\n<<set $wall to true>>

marks along the softer wall just above the tideline. the faintest copper gleam. \n\ni can't remember now\nif i made all of these. or if they were here already. \nby whoever has come in. and whatever has gone out\n\ntallies and suns. crosses, trees. a stick figure to remind ourselves\na box, a strange word, a symbol - @\n\n[[i press my nail in|nail]]

beneath it all\nmy body\n\npods larger than i thought. translucent. mouths in and mouths out\nswaying together like the sea\n\nmy scales catch everything magnificently\nmy new skin a dark spectrum\nmy spine arched. bones hollowed\nown mouth wide\n\n[[a hook|hook]]\n

a retreating\nan inversion\na separation\n\nmind slips its tethers\nand fixes into us\n\ndesperate for greater multitudes\n\n[[dragged|dragged]]

give tipped toes a rest beneath the water\nheels touch down in their grooves\n\ni hold my breath no longer\nthere's no grasp to it, no tension, no need\n<<if $three is true>>i let them take over\n<<endif>>\nhair thick with algae. drifting past in the dark\n\na deeper quiet, too. though my ears are covered the same\nno longer finding distinction between above and below \n\nthe pods shiver spirals along my fusing legs \n\n[[here|choices]]

it comes down swiftly. pricks my skin. scoops at the surface\nand retreats\n\ni grasp at it too slowly as it takes my things away\n\nblood and water\n\n<<if $three is false>>[[all i have|action]]<<endif>>\n<<if $three is true>>[[all i am|thirdway]]<<endif>>

dimming as i fall back from my old eyes\nthis body nothing but a soft bed we sit in\n\na long hallway\n\nno\nlonger than that\n\nthousands of hatches and\nthousands of other lines\nexactly the same beyond the thick windows\npatrolled\npink-swiped\nand screaming\n\n[[dragged|dragged]]

chill falls upon me\nsuddenly naked\n\nthere's a dial beside the lamp, with humming neon tubes\ni can't read the pink lines. my time, progress, statistics\n\nabove the mist, a living thing is standing\nabove the grate and short ladder and the hatch screwed free\nnarrowed eyes and clean corridors\n\n[[and teeth|teeth]]

and hauled up by my chest\nthat sense of my and me\nquickly running off\n\nit doesn't hurt\ni am departing\n\nwith my blood a slip\na red drip back into\nour hole and\n\nas all of me\ndisperses to the pods\n\n[[i see|see]]\n[[we feel|feel]]

neatly, a perfect fit\nwe few dozen are meshed \nlocked and lost\n\nto the mass the moon of writhing minds us as we as one fed grown and cared for a billion-pointed metal star from us the holds the holes the boxes cropped our oldest bodies deep inside the rot and surer now than ever of the gaps between the words between the worlds tasting space tracing minds and memory and everything we took in shining constellations through our perception with every fresh chunk pitched with every buoyant reunion further whole and closer to bursting from this square and straight progression every emotion we fed on leading us back to rocks and plains to docks and other slowly spinning metal wheels hidden in the dark but for the edges catching cautious on the stars and we feel we should feel something else but hope but every life from every time we've known is at least deep somewhere lit by something besides the flesh we stole so as those cracks widen and we comprehend how to slip exist beyond the bounds we think only of those destinations and our lives and our loves and in swelling racing pure and instant panic the sweet shimmer of our homes

in my little cell\nsoft floor of wasted sediment\nconcave ceiling rising to the corners\n\nlowest in the centre. the hatch a tongue's length away\nmisted, licked and locked\n\ni have\nfour close corners where i spend my time\n\nwhile <<if $two is true>>my babies grow themselves<<endif>><<if $two is false>>they grow<<endif>> and murder me\npiece by piece\ninto something else\n\n[[the hole, growth|hole]]\n[[the pile, glow|pile]]\n[[the wall, hum|wall]]\n[[the chute, passage|chute]]\n

the gross swell creeps round my sides\ntickles the wet beads sliding off me\n\npods hiss their discomfort so close to the surface. spit lines to force themselves back down\n\nbut here i can see the contours. the small shadow outlines of what they've done \nsucked my fat away and somehow worked the muscles\ntied the thighs and crept a stucco grit across my gut\n<<if $two is true>>\ngreen things stripe my legs \nmy arm is smooth, my fingers tightly bound together\n<<endif>>\nstrange slits and spines between my ribs\n\n[[what's left of me|after]]

a flash of red and white spun around my elbow\ntwin staves crossed and \nhot and cutting\n\nthe pressure of metal on a new plane \n\nand i fell back, separated\nstill aware of my hand clutching something beyond the shutter\n\nsometimes, even now. perhaps a lever, perhaps a release\n\ni can see the seam now. even in the dark\na darker circle lipped and lidded\n\n[[hiding light|after]]

sloped metal wall gouging forehead, cheek and chin \na warm monocle ring, nestled beneath my brow \n\nand light \n\ntoo much. a sun pressed inwards\nvast contrast of life fake by proximity. neither burns or hurts but \nsits a perfect sphere inside my skull\n\nmy strained arm shaking, rust cutting \nnothing to focus on but space. white space outside of me\n\nthen something crawls or falls or flies past outside <<if $two is true>>again<<endif>>. with a sick orange trail, growing red\n<<if $three is true>>\na comet. a satellite\n<<endif>>\nblood creeps inside the wide eye. i drop back\ngrowths gleeful\n\n[[for a while|after]]

it's an awkward slither up and out\ni'm more graceful in the water now\n\nbarely free. but hunched and perched. hunched and tucked up into the corner of the room\nthe stack slipping still away from under me \n\nmy one cramped curled freedom\nbuilt on these daily choked expulsions\n\n[[where i can examine myself|sit2]]

the first time i tried \nto reach inside and feel somewhere else\n\ni caught a lip high up\nor a handle there. rounded enough with a long stem\n\ni curled up around it\n\nstretching\n\npulling\n\n[[until|cut]]

i always liked the dirt\ni think\n\non rare occasions when we touched down\n\nsmell and depth and darkness\nlike a dream that won't repeat\n\nand won't move on. simply staying in one place\nstaying put\n\n[[forever|after]]

but i return to the centre and watch the tight ceiling stars\n\npointed pirouettes spinning sidereal\n\n<<if $three is true>>i am losing myself \n\nstep by<<endif>><<if $two is true>>\n\nstep<<if $three is true>> by<<endif>>\n\n<<endif>>[[step|step]]

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the smallest light comes back to me and rides across the water. laps in and out of my upturned mouth\n\ni trace my hand across my body and click my tongue as we do when the hunger comes\n\nand stand and spin and shimmer\n\n[[waiting for the stars|oldstart]]\n\n<<set $two to true>>

one bright spot in the whole cell\ni duck under and spring up. reach up\nfinger around the hook\n\njust above the surface, the pods twitch, inflate\nspit their reservoirs in dark arcs. with wet clicks and protesting whistles twisting down\n\nthe lines in the curved edge of the silver ring around the hole are illuminated outwards\ngrain in the metal. tiny fibre strands\n\n[[eye|eye]]\n[[tongue|tongue]]

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a rising slope of pellets in the corner\nheaped [[out|sit]] of the water, round and furred and fragrant\n\nwhat comes out of me now - what they put inside of me<<if $three is true>>\nslowly rendered down to purity<<endif>>\n\na glowing bubbling mint green scree\n[[deep|burrow]] with what i used to be\n<<set $pile to true>>

by the dead wet lump we grew into\n\n\nand beautiful\nthere is a dawning of sensation that pulls\nus forward as much as we are moved\ntowards it\n\na vast something purer\nthan the thick water we strain\nand wriggle still\nspit\nto fall back inside\n\n[[desperate|end]]

light shows my home in truth\nthe filth in the water\n\nblood and dirt and hair and slime and rotting leaves\npod casings and spit strands\nthe foam of old, old vomit bubbled up the wall a short reach away\nmobius strips of skin\na silken ink that has no source\n\n[[and|down2]]

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smooth bowl for my ear. a cool palm to lean into\n\ncupped, caressing\n\npassing to me\nthe sounds of dim black isolation\n\nthere <<if $three is true>>louder than ever<<endif>>\n\n<<cyclinglink "just as things were" "as in the stories i used to read" "as i always dream" "as i think i remember" "something reaching for me">>\n\n<<cyclinglink "a buzzing, burning roar" "the distant buffering of a docked starship's engines" "a scream through the halls" "frantic military radio chatter" "that old world song" "a chord, a chorus calling home">> \n\n<<cyclinglink "promising" "threatening" "anticipating">>\n\n<<cyclinglink "rescue" "destruction" "life" "adventure" "truth" "an end" "a chance to do it all again">>\n\n[[or|or]]

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up to the light\nbecause colour is a rare thing. a beautiful thing\n\nand i tease them open\n\nspin them\n\nnibble them\n\nsigh and wrap them up inside my tongue\n\n[[to melt|after]]

<<print either("i can drift. pretend","the mud is always warm beneath my tipped toes","i think i remember, sometimes, another place","sometimes i see shapes in the darkness - other creatures, other breaths","in the silence, there's no peace from those screwed into me","how many times have i spun this compass","sometimes i cry, for something i can't remember")>>\n\n<<if $hole is true>><<else>>[[the hole, growth|hole]]<<endif>>\n<<if $pile is true>><<else>>[[the pile, glow|pile]]<<endif>>\n<<if $wall is true>><<else>>[[the wall, hum|wall]]<<endif>>\n<<if $chute is true>><<else>>[[the chute, passage|chute]]<<endif>><<if $hole is true and $pile is true and $wall is true and $chute is true>>[[four corners|next]]<<endif>>

a galaxy \nspinning slowly on the water \n\nthe little buds are the tastiest. tendrils bitter, flowers sickening\nbut the buds. bursting morsels in the holes my teeth used to occupy\nsweet treats i can care for in the closeness\n\n[[i hold them|growth2]]

measured. and sealed\n\nthe hatch comes down again. <<if $two is true>>i remember its noise\ntry to remember its count\n<<endif>>\nall lost in the relief of the dark\nand the quiet\nand the small space my own\n\nwhere i am growing still\n<<if $three is true>>more<<endif>>\n[[closed|closed]]\n\n<<if $two is true>><<set $three to true>><<endif>>

the hatch spins up and away from me\n<<if $two is true>>\nhow many times\n<<endif>>\nthe hot fog i've built above the water is sucked out\na blue memory of moonlight falls down\n\nmy eyes don't wring around it\nthey gasp like empty lungs. desperate to be filled\n<<if $three is true>>\ni'm ready\ni'm ready now\n<<endif>>\n\n[[look up|look up]]\n[[look down|look down]]

the hook whips back down\na harpoon. through me\n\nwhere my ribs have melted to soft stripes beyond my skin\nmy heart a sick murmuring slab\n\nparted, pierced\n\nam i finished\n\n[[or a failure|fail]]

shimmer

for the family waiting\nfor us\nat the centre of this place\n\nanother chute, a cooling slide\na blessing screamed behind us\n\nas we fall. and float\nout of gravity\nto find ourselves\n\n[[together|home]]

a little chromed-ringed [[hole|closer hole]]. and a little black hook\nhalf-beam of white shuffling down\n\na real colour for once\nwhere it falls\nsometimes green sometimes red or pink or grey \non the curled leaves of the floating [[growth|closer growth]] beneath\n\n<<if $three is true>>all snarled up inside itself\nmany and one<<endif>>\n\n<<set $hole to true>>

the feed is not for me. it burns\nand tries to coat my lungs before my stomach\n\nbut i take it. along my gums and down\n\nthe space around me, wet and empty, tilts\nthough there's nothing to see tilted. just the sense of harsh enclosure and the swirling mist of all my exhalations\n\nand i spin without spinning\n\nand i stretch without tearing<<if $three is true>>\n\nand the time\n\npasses<<endif>>\n\n[[away|after]]

we measure the days here now\n\nat least\ni hope it is that long between one release and the next \n\na dim light breathing up. an [[opening|stretch]]\nguillotined back\n\nthe flush of [[liquid|lick]] swirling through the water\n\npods writhe so hard they rip the skin. rip apart the strands between my legs\n\nbloods and scales amongst the feed\nthey take it up all the same\n<<if $three is true>>as i wish them well\nand healthy<<endif>>\n\n<<set $chute to true>>

in the dark\nin the water\nin my box\n\n[[i stand|oldstart]]

and it peels away, drops and floats back across my face\nout into the room behind me\n\nbeneath it ... i hold up my hand ... a green hollow\n\nit tastes of salt\nsoftly sucks against my tongue as i try to pull away\n\nanother something else about me<<if $two is true>>\n\nless and left, less<<endif>>\n\n[[still|after]]

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two types of light slither on the surface\ncaught in pockets and sprung free again\n\ndim lines and curves and static shimmers\n\nspeckles strike tight on the ceiling where the metal still holds shine retreating\n<<if $two is true>>to ship runners, satellites, shuttles, stars<<endif>>\nsometimes\n \n[[here|choices]]

<<set $hole to false>><<set $pile to false>><<set $wall to false>><<set $chute to false>>water at the corners\nof lips. of lids \n\nlashes settle insect legs across the surface in sleep \n\nhead up\nface up\ntowards the hatch\n<<if $two is true>>\nagain\n<<endif>>\n[[stay|up]]\n[[sink|down]]\n\n<<if $three is true>>just one more time<<endif>>

i elbow my way inside. into an even deeper dark, a nearer nothing\nmy face pressed into the corner, crushing pellets into my skin \ntaking them in\n\nit smells like somewhere else\n\nsurrounded. touched softly on all side\ni can pretend i am wrapped, i am embraced, i am not alone\n\n[[inside|inside]]

from many mouths or one\nobscured by a distance i have forgotten how to see\nand the brown swamp mist between us\n\nthere are other steps and other shapes\ni remember the sounds\ni remember my sounds. my hands. my ships. my stars\n\n[[a hook|hook]]

\n\n[[plead|but]]\n[[sink|but]]\n[[scream|but]]\n[[beg|but]]\n[[stare|but]]\n[[attack|but]]\n[[question|but]]\n[[...|but]]\n[[threaten|but]]\n[[confirm|but]]\n[[spit|but]]\n[[bargain|but]]\n[[jump|but]]

alex

one-finger pull-up. new spines trickle water down\n\nand up - pressed, buds wrung into the hole and maybe through to whatever stands beyond\n\ni tremble. my tongue and body drying. light blocked, carrying no warmth \nno sense of the space \nno taste of it, no taste\n\nthen it comes across, front to back, the breeze\n\nthe ice\n\nrushing, falling. a mountain slip, a meso-drop. mouth open, screaming, air and clouds, misted light rain curved aurora. everything of mine again, on the tip of a tongue \n\nthe hook breaks \n\n[[and back|after]]

just a small sound\n\nlost\n\ninside the dying metal\ninside my rusting ears\n\n[[inside|after]]