and another thing

to everyone who loves me: i have tricked you. i forgot how to write poetry sorry. i didn't mean to, lose this [[order]] but i think it's only fair to let you know i've put in you are making a mistake the lines by persisting in how do i do [[this]].

can anybody hear me? jesus, what a [[cliché]] to start a poem with. i really feel like some sort of rust has settled over my [[poetry]]. sediment obscuring sentiment something rotting away what before was [[purposeful]].

how [[gay]] am i allowed to be what's mine to reclaim or to leave no one has [[answers]] for this thing

"are you queer?" o! boundless question! that which i loathe and love to be asked outside the gay bar at 3am! love, for i get to answer in the affirmative, a definitive "yes, extremely" blessed [[self-validation]]. loathe, for i had to answer it at all, was it not already [[obvious]]

"shouldn't queer expression have a limit?" no. being capital q queer is to belong to the radical body politic. "what are you?" i am the queer in your machine. you can't get [[rid]] of me with ad blockers, so don't even bother trying. "must queer art confront?" yes. by [[existence]]. "must queer people confront?" yes. to exist. "what are you?" what are //you//? "is this queer art?" hopefully. "what are you?" good question. "can i say the word 'faggot'?" i don't even know if i can say the word 'faggot'. you'll have to ask someone else.

In the kitchen I pride myself on my ability To make something out of nothing To spin magic out of ingredients I find randomly In my cabinets To successfully slap haphazardly together: (Without the use of a recipe) A bubbling sauce, aromatic Rich in color and taste, Ready, steady, sublime. Elsewhere, I try telling myself, I must not improvise To do so is to invite uncertainty, To introduce the possibility Of a changed opinion To attempt the best way forward: (I try to measure everything) A thought repeated, systemized Waiting for its proper time, But I Never M ain tain This Structure Slapped together [[haphazardly]] As I am Ready, steady,

I propose that poetry is Fucking [[ridiculous]]. Writing words in a certain order Supposedly [[satisfies]] The part of the [[brain]] Liking puzzles.

''A:'' okay, you think you’re so fucking great? you think you can treat me however you want? ''Z:'' i think that i didn’t do anything wrong. that i haven’t done anything wrong. ''A:'' maybe do some introspection. maybe think about how someone else feels for once in your life. ''Z:'' isn’t that a contradictory instruction? ''A:'' shut the fuck up. you really irritate me sometimes. you don’t have to be right all the time. i do nothing to deserve the way you treat me. ''Z:'' what way i treat you? //what// way i treat you? ''A:'' i do nothing to deserve nothing! i do nothing to deserve not being thought of! ''Z:'' not being thought about? ''A:'' no, of! fuck’s sake. sure. fine. not being thought //about//. ''Z:'' you think i don’t think about you? you don’t know that. ''A:'' how should i know what you think? i’m saying -- ''Z:'' i think what you’re saying is that //you// think -- ''A:'' i think what i’m saying is that i think sometimes you have a funny way of showing it. ''Z:'' showing what? ''A:'' that you ever think of me at all! ''Z:'' okay, listen, i don’t want to seem like i’m minimizing whatever it is that you’re feeling, but i really think you’re just overthinking right now. and, quite frankly, over...centering yourself. not everything is because of something you did or didn’t do or did or didn’t say. ''A:'' goddammit, you’re so incredibly fucking frustrating. don’t turn this back around on me, i’m trying to get you to think about how your actions -- ''Z:'' oh, come on -- ''A:'' about how whatever you do or don’t do, what that does to //me// -- ''Z:'' i’ll tell you what i’m not doing: this. you’re making something out of nothing and you’ll realize that as soon as you think about this for five minutes. or, no, actually, sorry, you’ll realize that as soon as you //stop// thinking about this for five minutes. ''A:'' don’t turn around. don’t leave! if you walk away right now i’m gonna be fucking pissed at you, i swear to god, i’ll -- ''Z:'' you’ll what? you’ll //nothing//, because later you’re going to realize this is all stupid anyway and we’ll both forget about it and apologize. //Z exits. A is left standing alone onstage. After a moment they let out a frenzied, frustrated, desperate scream. [[Blackout.]]//

//''For the above, after the play is performed once, the following can be added before the blackout:'' The character of the "Singer" is introduced. This character should be considered a stand-in for the author. The Singer should enter and begin singing along to the entirety of the Barenaked Ladies song "<a href="https://youtu.be/FbEcg12FJCk" target="_blank">Testing 1, 2, 3</a>". The volume of the music and singing should be loud and should compete with the volume of the spoken dialogue as the play is simultaneously performed a second time. The Singer should be considered a stand-in for the author. The Singer can address either the other performers or the audience as directed. ''If the song concludes before the play:'' The Singer should sit or stand near Z and A, or can take a seat in the audience. ''If the play concludes before the song:'' Z and A can join in the singing, addressing the Singer directly. Or, the Singer can "tap in" either Z and A to continue singing while they begin the play again with the remaining performer. If this approach is chosen, blackout should occur after the song is finished, even if the play is not. The Singer should be considered a stand-in for the author.//

You see now the full appeal of sports, As the arrow hits its mark Quantifiable success, Undeniable proof of [[skill]]. You see now the full appeal of hearts, As the arrow hits its mark Deniable proof of skill, Unquantifiable [[success]].

The ocean falls face down on flat rock Rolls in and collapses, out again back Breathing [[breathing]] breathing Before crashing turning tumbling startling Starting to make its way to itself, [[sucking]] Something in puffing out its chest Cheered on by creatures underneath and Also the mad screaming of gulls

i wish i spent enough time with my poems to get to know them but every time i write one i want to get it out of my head as fast as possible and then it doesn’t feel right to go and change whati wrot e like maybe i just don’t [[care]] which isn’t true or maybe it’s something sacred which is stupid because most of my poems don’t make the cut most of my poems are bad but some o f them are okay i know that at least but still i wish i had the nerve to edit them instead of sending them out into the world like bottled ships i mean bottled messages from whatever island poems happen on anyway poetry is hard and writing is hard typing is hard everything is difficult practice makes perfect but poems make practice so what makes perfect poems does that even make sense i don’t thinj so but that’s okay this is supposed to be some sor t of poem or maybe the type of writing excercise they make you do in school that i never found helpful and now that i’m an adult i’m jsut doing it for fun that’s irony that’s funny that’s [[nothing]] at all i’m not doing this to develop my writing i’m doing it because i couldn’t think of an actual poem to write and i’m stalling can’t you tell i’m hoping this will turn out to mean something because otherwise i’ll be short of poetry like quarters for laundry and that’d be a shame because it means i won’t get to push whatever this turns out to be away from me like a bottled up frustration

A frequent worry: That I write too quickly, And thus, My art is a [[reflection]] An expression Of the quantity of my [[thoughts]], Rather than quality.

oh god but we're such delicate computers and what an algorithmic [[miracle]] that made ourMeeting = true;

you believe in fate now as you believe in stars unknowable and to which so much is known; speak not of it lest the spell wear [[itself]] off. do you owe it or the fruits of its labor? its most cherished [[result]]? that fate has brought you (or you have brought you) treasure meaning: other hearts.

you say “[[why]]” like i can’t be [[angry]] or like i can’t be sorry why can’t i be [[both]]?

feel like i never woke up today like i’m reaching out but bumping up against a mirror choreographing my brain to [[respond]] to stimulus and i feel like i’m all alone in this space floating by bye bye goodbye someday something will crystallize harden here in my head as i stop and return to earth and you

how can i make room for all of this maybe i just [[need]] to let it work maybe i just need to let it breathe maybe i just need to let it go to its [[room]]

//Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa// what’s poetry Is this //Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa// pain or [[pleasure]] They don’t know and neither do you //Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa//

I can’t focus on this or on any Thing, Can [[You]]? Can’t You?

//Hit me hard harder hardest// as in, //Love me more morer morest// as in, //Touch me there therer therest// as in, //Fuck me love lover lovest// as in, //???? me ???? ????? ??????// as [[in]].

i saw something in your eye looking back at me that wasn’t you, that wasn’t what i recognized, and i thought “''oh, now this''” without knowing the “''this''” so only seeing the “''now''” and even that was not assured. i wish i could stop and say hello and [[introduce]] myself to whatever this new “''this''” is but i don't have time just now so please start seeing me start seeing me stop leaving me

And you didn’t care [[Maybe]] you didn’t ever Though I know you try sometimes To seem like that’s not true I feel it when you lose the [[battle]] I watch it while you win the war

despite me (to spite me?) you [[look]] away make way when i try to reach you i’ve always been like this but i wish it wasn’t so obvious i must claim [[ownership]] over my brain by fixing my heart to my sleeve apologies baby i’ll get there someday so please just be patient with me while i sew

You feel this body is not real You feel this body does not belong to you You feel you are wrong You feel you have dedicated what you’ve [[consecrated]] You feel this body is real

an opportunity to [[pass]] by without me if you won’t go with me i’ll go by myself but (i’ll be honest) you know i’d rather go with you

you’re too wordy maybe that’s why you like poetry because this can be as many words as you like and no one can stop you from rambling or from talking forever and qualifying endlessly your own thoughts and opinions and spewing them out they might get sick of the words anyway but you can’t see that on their faces while they’re just putting up with you you can’t see the “jesus christ shut the fuck //up//” or the “oh my god they’re on //this// again” because the poetry exists with you and you get to be in charge and you get to control these thoughts you get to edit and revise and make your meaning as clear as you want poetry isn’t waffling it’s just the construction and it’s only the language maybe that’s why you like poetry because the word count can be as lofty as you like and because unlike conversation this is Art so no one can do [[anything]] about it

you think everything’s always about you and if it’s not you gotta make it that way (even if you don’t want to! that’s what we call compulsion) which is why you’re a fake actor a fake writer a fake whatever what’s the technique? other than your ego maybe that’s why you like this no one can say you’re wrong or accuse you of being too critical of yourself (which you are! apologies, audience) this isn’t self-deprecation this is the honesty hour the reckoning this is the sublimation of self to understand your craft is to understand you have none maybe that’s why you like this no one can correct you a fake actor a fake writer a fake, whatever!

“I feel I may be slightly dying” “Well, can’t you do it somewhere else” “Yeah, no [[problem]]” “Leave your coffee cup here though”

''STOP'' WRITING THE MOST INSANE SHIT AND LAUGHING TO YOURSELF ABOUT IT WE GET IT ''STOP''. NOBODY THINKS YOUR JOKES ARE FUNNY NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE AND IT’S UNCLEAR HOW GENUINE ANY OF IT IS ''STOP''. THE AUDIENCE CANNOT RELATE TO YOU PROBABLY OR MAYBE THEY [[RELATE]] TO YOU TOO MUCH ''STOP''? WHICH IS IT EXACTLY THAT YOU WANT WITH THIS STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS SHIT ''STOP''. WHAT EVEN IS THIS FORMAT WOULD YOU [[CALM]] DOWN

Angry poem Gotta have at least one This is it [[Enjoy]] Angry poem

interaction? in //my// poetry? it //is// more likely than you think why? because it's fun when queer art is clickable every so [[often]]

hello hello it's me just checking in how are you enjoying the poetry so far or are you done with it that's the magic of interaction i have no idea how much everything you've seen what's that? you think my poetry is pretentious? over-dramatic? self-involved? hollow? [[pointless]]? too gay? not gay enough? well, you're entitled to your opinion, i suppose. thank you for the feedback, unless you said "too gay", in which case i'll be sure to make it even gayer next time.

is this art yet how about now now now? well shit, how long do i have to wait? oh, okay, thanks.

"is this the part of the collection where they write about sex?" i hear you thinking well joke's on you, the answer's no the bit you just went past is pretty much all you get this time around i'm //busy//!

i say "no worries" a lot for someone who [[worries]] about literally everything they say

i don't know what it is about me that must seem disposable i know it's not a lack of love, an absence of affection but goddammit sometimes it's really hard not to feel taken for granted can't you just do better can't you just try at least for me i don't know what it is about me that must seem recyclable sometimes it's really hard not to feel so goddammit for me can't you at least try

what do you do when all the things you thought you imagined are made manifest in the world? how are you supposed to cope when the things you feared but buried reemerge and it turns out that you were right all along? none of this is an exact science but it sure would be nice for you to prove me wrong once in a while.

yeah it is pointless yeah it is yeah it yeah yeah it's not [[truthful]] yeah it's not yeah it's yeah yeah it feels [[bad]] yeah it feels yeah it yeah

There's something crawling it's way through my throat. It started in my guts and slithered on up, Now it wrenches my jaw open as it moves past my molars I hope it fucking obliterates me As it spits itself out on the [[floor]] Gives me one split second to observe it there pulsing Before I

do you like this? is this what you want? is this poetry now? is this art now? did you make it this far? did you see what i did? did you care? did it move you? did it concern you? do you want to hurt me? do you want to kill me? do you want to forget? do you [[wish]] you could? do you ever think about anyone except yourself? do i ever think about anyone except you?

oh yeah baby keep going my kink is getting left on read my kink is being fucking ignored my kink is when i can't rely on your reply on what you say and do my kink is when i can't assume anything will actually happen the way you said it would i love to be considered last baby i love to be your bottom (priority) i fucking love that who wouldn't //fucking love that// no don't stop baby don't change your behavior don't get better don't think about anyone don't stop don't think about me my kink is being fucking repetitive my kink is being fucking predictable my kink is you getting bored with me my kink is feeling you(r impatience) yes baby i love that who wouldn't //fucking love that// i love feeling like i'm a pain in your ass yeah baby don't worry of course i have a thing for pain i have a thing for constriction a thing for restriction a thing for rejection i have a thing for this of course don't worry about it oh yeah baby keep going see what fucking happens my safe word is "sorry" see what fucking happens my safe word is "not today" baby keep going until i tell you to stop (i won't) i love to come last baby i love to be your top (annoyance) i fucking love that who wouldn't

isn't it funny how quickly how easily you can run out the clock isn't it funny how quickly how easily someone can become important to you

if i had a nickel for every time i said "yes! that's fine" when it wasn't actually fine i would be in a bracket that should be taxed at 90%

i'm doin ok or really good actually like generally but sometimes something happens that knocks me right out and i think about how badly i want to peel my skin off or dissolve slowly i want to cease and desist i'm doin ok or really good actually like generally but sometimes someone says or does something that knocks me right out and i think about how incredibly it feels like my heart is bursting with joy how could i want to cease to exist

maybe the answer is that it doesn't feel honest to me to [[write]] anymore.

i'm not sure i have anything left to [[say|hello]]. poetry is draining, honestly. i don't know how much longer i can keep any of this up.

hey hey hi idiot you're losing and you can't even tell idiot you're losing and you can't even tell? idiot you're losing > don't you want to try? > what's this all [[about]]?

just kidding you don't get a choice here idiot you're losing so what's it all about idiot you're losing so what

"Fuck You. for reading my poetry. or maybe Fuck You. for not reading it. i don't know. i probably shouldn't be [[encouraged]] in this way. don't look in [[here]]."

You should see the way I look at you Like you're the sun Maybe you do see it, Does it scare you? Maybe it does. Sorry. It's never my intention to scare you I've been warned off of eye contact But I love to feel And I won't stop myself from Doing it anymore. I can't, I can't put my eye I can't put contact Back in its case (I don't need glasses) The point is, I know what I'm seeing when I look at you. It's all in perfect focus, This queer feeling, And I want you to see it too. If you were to see it when you look at me, Like I'm the sun, Would that be too much to ask? Here's the thing: I don't really think so.

''selected fan testimonials of my prior work:''`*` "it's appealing that it's so dripping with self-hatred" "lacks subtlety in almost every respect" "personally i enjoy it when art makes me want to throw myself off of a bridge" "i liked it when they talked about how mad they are" "gee, do you think they're gay? i couldn't really tell" `*`//(author's note: are there any fans of my prior work? make sure to find out before publishing)//

"why do you write poetry?" for attention. next [[question]].

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????//hey//????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????//there//???????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????//i'm//??????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????????????//here//???????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????//here//???????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????//i'm//????????????????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????//wandering//???????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????//come//???????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????//find//?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????//me//??????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????//fine//???????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????//me//???????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????//sit//???????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????????????????//with//???????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????????????//me//?????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????//in//??????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????//this//??????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????//nice//??????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????//field//?????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

you don't know (i know you don't) what you do or why you do it you don't know (i know you don't) because if you did you wouldn't do it you don't know (i know you don't) just how it hurts because i'd never tell you you don't deserve that

"listen, it's not my fault that you don't remember the things that you say to me that you ask me to do or maybe you never meant them at all? meant them falsely? meant them as lies or jokes i didn't get amusements i interpreted as genuine sentiment but which to you meant nothing how am i supposed to tell the difference? listen, it's not my fault that i interpreted those things all those words incorrectly that i assigned meaning that i assigned feeling to them and it's not my fault either that you make me feel like an asshole sometimes for remembering it all at all."

i thought about changing this poetry so that you wouldn't know it's about you but if you read it i'll be shocked so who gives a shit (not me, i'm too tired) i'm not going to edit down my thoughts for you or me or anybody nobody's been earning it so this is what we're left with and i'm not sorry

okay understand that nothing is to be taken for granted and it can all end up behind you or obscured somehow and you won't get back what you've deleted now

ohhhhh hang on maybe you don't have to care what anyone thinks cool wish id figured that out earlier!!!! lol oh welllll not sure why i keep bothering when its obvious that like, this isnt working but w/e propulsion is a powerful force for me !!! //lmao ok let me know when ur not having a m o m e n t again so we can talk like normal people//

you might be a bad person you might want a checklist for your anxieties you might send that text you might try to actually eat today you might want to push your knuckles into the wall until they turn purple you might not send that text you might cry in the bathroom at work you might try and ignore this and fail you might call for help and get no answer you might call for help and get an answer you might realize everyone's sick of holding you up you might realize there's nothing out there you might think of the woods you might pick up the knife you might not cry chopping those onions you might not have onions to chop you might sit on the couch in the dark you might see how long you can go without breathing you might wonder if anyone would miss you you might wonder if anyone would have a hole in their chest shaped like you might weigh the pros and cons you might not move for some time you might try thinking about when you feel loved you might be driven to distraction by another voice you might be scared of how much you hate yourself you might know definitely you won't do anything about it

we'll look back at this _______ and laugh A. poetry B. feeling C. incident D. mistake E. all of the above F. only A and B