Dicks

I'm alone in a backyard. (Alleyway?) The sun is shining bright on the white concrete. In front of me is a red training toilet. [[thought]]

I'm sitting on a tall chair at our large, brown dining table. My family surrounds me. I try to say words. In my head, they come out. I do not know if anybody hears. [[danger]]

I'm standing on the front lawn of our house. A man drives by in a black car. He stops the car by the sidewalk, opens the car door, and beckons me inside. My mother comes out the front door and pulls me back into the house. I never see the man again. [[jealousy (affection?)]]

The girl next door rides by on a scooter. We know each other by name, though we're not that close. I think her face looks prettier than mine. I dislike looking in the mirror and seeing what looks back at me. [[attraction]]

For no particular reason, I spin around a streetlight and tell my home address to a passing girl around my age. Why do I keep finding myself pulled towards girls? [[girls]]

Girls. I think I like girls. I don't hate boys. But I //really like girls.// [[self]]

What am I? I think I am some kind of boy-like thing. There are traits of boyish characters in the movies and shows and comics I've seen that I liked, but it was never quite that I identified with them as boys that deeply. I just found an appeal in boyish presentation. I liked girls who looked like boys more than boys who looked like boys, generally. Not that I don't like girls in general. I love girls. I'm always happier to be with girls. My mother tells me I'll grow up to be a great dad. I feel something writhing in my gut. The thought of myself as a father keeps reoccuring. I hate my face more than ever. [[fuck]] [[fumble]]

Swearing is bad. I try not to do it. I do it once when nobody's around. My vocabulary never recovers. Before I know it, I've spent 16 years in a body I hate. I have a choir performance coming up. My mom makes me get a haircut. She tells me it makes me look handsome: "Like James Bond!" I want to vomit. I've seen James Bond films. He's a misogynist. He's raped lesbians. The movies are funny sometimes but I do not associate Bond himself with things I like. There are individual Bond actors I enjoy but I find the Connery era downright resentful and enjoy the movies most when Bond is being made some sort of clown: The man's narratively framed power over women is something I cannot abide. If I ever met James Bond, I'd fucking kill him. [[lesbian]]

Browsing internet forums, I stumble across news about an upcoming anime adaptation for a manga called "Citrus." I learn about DynastyScans. Shit. This is getting too predictable, isn't it? [[blackout]]

The blank of ten years. How well can you learn to live without parents? [[lezzy]]

The name's lezzy. Capitalization optional. I love women. I love women so much I became a woman. It doesn't really matter that I still have a dick. It's annoying sometimes but it's a situation I can figure out. Sometimes girls have dicks. I think I'm a bit better at expressing myself now. I'm still not a very good artist or polished writer but that's fine. I dedicate all art I create to my deep and everflowing love of women. (Sometimes there are guys in there too, you do need variety to keep things fresh and guys are capable of becoming women so exclusion would be unfair.) I hope all women have a great day today. Feel free to include yourself in this if you feel spiritually close enough to the spirit of women I cherish here.

Can you call it a fumble if you barely ever even tried? I spend years "home schooled". In quotes, because the home schooling itself barely happens and my mom tries to substitute it with acting and music camps and classes. I meet good friends. I see cute girls. I lost contact with all of them because I don't really know how to hold things. I feel bad about it, sometimes. Especially with the girls. I barely ever worked up the guts to speak properly to them. One of them liked Ocarina of Time, and you know what I did? I tried to comically feign disappointment it wasn't Majora's Mask. What was the goal? //What was the fucking goal?// God, I can't even talk about the others. (Volume 1 of Lucifer and the Biscuit Hammer? As a valentine's gift??? For a girl I only had passing conversations with??? What??? I am so fucking sorry about that one.) I'm so fucking sorry I let you down, women. I was such a little fucking bitch. Fuck you, boy-thing. I cost me so much. Being a boy really did not work out. Do not recommend the experience. [[fuck]] [[inclusion?]]

I'm sitting around after the end of a day of mentorship in a camp for younger children. I'm the only... boy? In the room, though I already seriously suspect that that label correctly applies to my manner of existence. As I sit in a throng of girls and older women, they talk about pregnancy and ovaries. Nobody seems to find it odd that I'm here. Is this inclusion? When my mom makes me take martial arts classes, there's a moment where a girl accidentally calls me a she. Is this some mother[[fuck]]ing woke? Is this the good shit? I feel my deeply repressed and frantically ignored urge to kill myself lighten. (It won't totally go away, and will in fact intensify at times from beyond this point, but I gain the strength to deal with it.)