🧑‍💼
Alex Overqualified
Lv.1 — The Unstoppable
14 languages 3 PhDs Olympic fencer Chess grandmaster Published poet Michelin star (home kitchen)
0
rejections
0
applications
😤
morale
Desperation0%
🚫 Not selected for this role
Open positions — 4 listings

Congratulations,
Alex.

After 0 rejections, you have transcended the concept of employment.
The job market cannot contain you.

Alex Overqualified
POLYMATH · AUTODIDACT · AVAILABLE IMMEDIATELY · STILL SOMEHOW UNEMPLOYED
alex@overqualified.io Currently between countries Nobel Prize (pending) linkedin.com/in/alexoverqualified
Profile

Visionary generalist with 3 PhDs, 14 fluently spoken languages, and a career spanning 22 industries across 6 continents. Known for solving problems before they exist and intimidating management by accident. Seeking a role where capabilities are respected, chess rating ignored, and Olympic fencing medals kept off the desk per HR's request.

Education
PhD — Theoretical Physics2009–2013
MIT · Cambridge, MA
  • Thesis: "On the Thermodynamics of Motivational Decline in Recursive Job Applications." Completed 14 months early. Supervisor asked me to slow down.
PhD — Comparative Literature2013–2015
Oxford University · Oxford, UK
  • Thesis written in verse, examined in six languages including one I invented. Published by Faber & Faber. Critics called it "unsettling."
PhD — Organisational Behaviour2015–2017
Harvard Business School · Boston, MA
  • Dissertation: "Why Exceptional Candidates Are Systematically Rejected: A Field Study." Fieldwork ongoing.
BA (Hons) — Philosophy, Mathematics & Astrophysics2005–2009
Cambridge University · First Class · Highest score in 112 years
Experience
Chief Everything Officer (self-appointed)2022–present
Freelance · Remote · Everywhere
  • Consulted for 11 companies pro-bono after they couldn't afford my rates
  • Redesigned 3 clients' entire business models during introductory calls
  • Declined 2 acquisition offers (not a cultural fit)
Director of Strategic Foresight2019–2022
Geneva Institute for Global Things · Geneva, Switzerland
  • Predicted 4 geopolitical crises with 96% accuracy; reports ignored by all 4 governments
  • Left when asked to "dumb down" the quarterly outlook
Senior Researcher, Cognitive Architecture2017–2019
DeepMind · London, UK
  • Published 9 papers in Nature; 3 retracted for being too far ahead of peer understanding
  • Patent holder on a process colleagues described as "conceptually unfair"
Olympic Fencing Coach (part-time passion)2014–ongoing
Various national teams · Various Olympics
  • Also competed. Won silver. Lost gold on purpose — the opponent needed it more.
Languages
English (native)Mandarin (native)Arabic (native)French (native)Swahili (native)Japanese (native)Portuguese (native)Russian (native)Finnish (native)Yoruba (native)Latin (conversational)Ancient Greek (conversational)Klingon (B2)Invented language (sole speaker)

HR has flagged "14 native languages" as suspicious. Available to demonstrate all 14 simultaneously if required.

Skills
Strategic visionQuantum computingCompetitive fencingSourdough fermentation scienceAdvanced Excel (truly advanced)Emotional intelligence (clinical level)Chess (Elo 2847)Competitive origamiViolin (Carnegie Hall, twice)Goat herding (Alpine, certified)Mentorship (uninvited)Machine learning
Awards
Forbes 30 Under 30 (three times)Time Person of the Year (shortlisted)Nobel Prize in Literature (nominated)Nobel Prize in Physics (nominated)Olympic silver, fencing 2016World Chess Championship 4th (declined 3rd)Michelin star, home kitchen (informal)Guinness Record — most CVs rejected in one year
References
Former UN Secretary-GeneralChess grandmaster (lost to me twice)3 Nobel laureates (all former students)My goats (character reference)

Some referees may need a few days to recover emotionally before the call.

This CV was formatted in 4 minutes. The previous version caused an HR assistant to hand in her notice. This is the toned-down version. Available to start immediately — or yesterday. Time is flexible.