<<set $affable += 1>>I grab the phone and clear my throat. I don't wanna sound as dead as I feel right now.\n\n[["Hello?" I croak.|Phone call]]

This fishtank, on top of my massive, high-security [[filing cabinet]], is where my black molly Rebecca lives.\n\nI have a love-hate relationship with this fish. My last girlfriend, who was a gigantic asshole, bought her for me. We immediately had a fight about what I was supposed to name her. When we had a nasty breakup a week later, the fucking fish still didn't have a name.\n\nSo I revenge-named the fish after her, because finally I'd have a little control over my relationship with someone named Rebecca.\n\nNot, in retrospect, the smartest move.\n\nI watch Rebecca float idly for a few minutes, but conclude that it's not relaxing enough to get me back to sleep. I [[return my attention to the living room.|living room]]

<<if visited() < 2>><<set $affable += 1>><<endif>>I open the text file.\n\nIt reads,\n<p class="letter">"TO THE HONORABLE CONNECTED KIT CALHOUN\n\nMadam, you will doubtlessly be astonished to be receiving a letter from a person unknown to you, who is about to make a request of you that only a person of your esteemed skill would be capable of addressing.\n\nIt is on behalf of the Most Ineffable Lord Rhys that I pen this e-mail, and it is only for a reason of the utmost importance that I am writing. I cannot communicate to you in adequate terms the urgency of this situation, but I will say that it is the subject of much grief, wailing, and hand-wringing.\n\nPlease make your way to the Faerie Court at your earliest convenience, as we have urgent need of you and the situation is rapidly worsening.\n\nYours in wanting,\nGerund the Amazing\nCourt Wizard"</p><<set $faerie to true>>\n<<if $door is true>>If this and the door in my fridge turn out to be some kind of prank, I'll ...\n\n... to be honest, I'll be pretty impressed.<<else>><<if visited() < 2>>...did one of my buddies from my cop days hack my machine just to put a 419 scam on my desktop? This is the worst prank ever.<<else>>It's still the worst prank ever.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back|computer]]

Yeah.\n\nI need to make sure I understand what I'm walking into.\n\n[[Back|galley kitchen]]

<<set $affable += 1>>I open my eyes a tiny bit. Ugh, it's dark. Can't be morning yet.\n\nMy head is facing the wrong way to see the clock. My phone's jangly ringtone continues.\n\n[[Turn my head|Look at the clock]]\n[[Try to go back to sleep|Tenaciously clinging to sleep]]

I lean toward the TV. <<if $door is true>>Am I actually gonna get some information about the weird shit going on?<<else>>If this is still a prank, this is some next-level shit.<<endif>>\n\nThe weird-looking muppet people run around comically, even doing the bump into each other and fall down thing. Finally, one more title card appears.\n\n"Find the door and help us, Kit!"\n\n<<if $door is true>>Oh.<<else>>What door?<<endif>>\n\nI wait for more information, but none comes, just more ridiculous muppet panic. Eventually I [[switch off the TV and get up|living room]].

<<set $affable -= 1>>I stuff my face into the pillow.\n\nMy phone continues to ring, an emulation of an old-timey bell ringer. I specifically set this ringtone so I couldn't sleep through it.\n\n[[It'll end soon. They'll leave a VM. Ignore it.|Missed call]]\n[[Ok fine, wake up for real|Surrender to wakefulness]]

Deleted. I will deal with finding whoever hacked my box in the morning.\n\nI mean ... the ... later morning.<<set $deleted to true>><<set $affable -= 1>>\n\n[[Back|computer]]

<<set $affable to 10>>Something loud happens.\n\n[[Ignore it.|Asleep]]

...\n\n[[Several long minutes pass]].\n

<<if $computer is false>>I tap the space bar on my computer keyboard, waking it up, and the monitors flare to life.<<set $computer to true>>\n\n<<endif>>I'm looking at my [[computer's desktop]]. I have lots of games, but I don't feel like playing any right now. I guess I could [[check my email]], even though I checked it right before bed. I could [[browse social media]], or [[look at porn]].<<if $faerie is true>>\n\nI can't believe I'm even thinking about it, but I guess I could do some [[research on the faerie court]] or something?<<endif>>\n\nOr I could go [[find something else to do|My room]].

My bed is a full-size dumpster dive treasure. I'll get rid of it when I can afford a better one.\n\nIt's messy and unmade right now, but I'm not gonna bother making it because that would be a concession to wakefulness I'm not willing to make.\n\n[[Back|My room]]

The sites are pretty quiet right now; it's that weird time where even the night owls are asleep, and the early birds don't bother logging on.\n\n[[Back|computer]].

"Don't call me back." I mash my thumb against the 'end call' button on the screen. That's the one thing I miss about old phones. Being able to get mad and slam 'em down on the hook.\n\nI plant my face back into the pillow; I might as well try to salvage some sleep from this.\n\n[[I close my eyes.|Trying to get back to sleep]]

<h2>Hallway</h2>\nOur narrow hallway. The door to [[my room|My room]] is by the end of it, next to the [[closet]] where we keep towels and stuff.\n\n[[Dave's door]] is to my right, about halfway down the hall.\n\nThe hallway leads to the [[living room]].

<<set $affable -= 1>>Finally the noise stops. A few moments later, my phone chimes to tell me that I have a voicemail.<<set $VM to true>>\n\nI sigh with relief and [[wait for sleep to return.|Trying to get back to sleep]]

<<set $door to true>>Through the open door of my fridge, I find myself looking into a colorful pastoral scene, with rolling hills and lush vegetation. The colors are all brighter than seems possible, and everything has a slightly cartoonish cast to it.\n\nI shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut, then open them again. The landscape is still there.\n\n[[Is this real? Reach my arm out.|reach out][$affable += 1]]\n[[This can't be real. Try to snap out of it.|snap out of it][$affable -= 1]]\n[[Hell with it, just walk through the door.|Enter the door][$affable += 2]]\n[[Shut the fridge and pretend none of this happened.|galley kitchen][$affable -= 1]]

I squeeze my eyelids shut and let out an explosive breath as I sit up in bed.\n\nI'll just stand up, go find a thing to do for a little bit, and then go back to bed and sleep in for a bit. Not like I've got anywhere to be.\n\n[[Let's do it.|My room]]

<<set $affable += 1>>I get a faceful of my own curly bedhead and have to reach up with one hand to dislodge it.\n\nAre you kidding me? It's 6am. Who the hell calls at 6am.\n\nA job? It might be a job. I need a job. Do I need a job that calls at 6 in the morning?\n\n[[Pick up the phone]]\n[[Try to go back to sleep. Let it go to VM.|Tenaciously clinging to sleep]]

I traded up to this 40" flatscreen when there was a sale on. It was a good buy but Dave and I rarely watch TV, so it doesn't see much use.\n\nShould I [[watch something]]?\nOr [[do something else|living room]]?

I reach through the door. Sunlight warms my hand as a gentle breeze cools it. This is bizarre.\n\nI try to reach to feel the other side of the doorway, past what would be the back of my fridge. My arm bumps against the wall, but I can't feel anything on the other side.\n\n[[Enter the door][$affable += 1]]\n[[I can't deal with this. Close the fridge and walk away.|galley kitchen][$affable -= 1]]

<<if $lights eq true>>I flip the light switch off. For a few moments, it seems very dark in the room, but my eyes adjust quickly.<<set $lights to false>><<else>>I flip the lights on. The overhead incandescents flare on, forcing my eyes shut for a few moments.\n\nI slowly open them again. <<if $door is false>>If I'm trying to get back to sleep, maybe I shouldn't leave the lights on, though.<<endif>><<set $lights to true>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back|My room]]

I wince as a voice like a cartoon animal blares into my ear.\n\n"Um yes! Ahoy ahoy! To the most honorable Connected Kit Calhoun! I'm calling you with a //very exciting opportunity// that you will soon be enjoying!\n\nThere has been a crime most foul in the faerie court, and we need a talented detective -- like you -- to help us solve what needs solving! Please make your way to the Faerie Court as soon as you are done with ... whatever you are doing.\n\nSincerely, Court Wizard to the Most Ineffable Lord Rhys, Gerund the Amazing!"\n\nHe signed the voicemail like a letter. <<if $door is true>>This shit can't be for real, can it? But the passageway in the fridge...<<else>>That may have been the worst prank phone call I've ever heard.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back|My room]]<<set $VM to false>><<set $affable += 1>><<set $faerie to true>>

My roommate Dave is an archivist and researcher. Sometimes I enlist his help when I'm working on a case that requires some kind of library sleuthing.\n\nHe keeps normal-person hours, which normally means that he wakes up before me. Today, it means that he is asleep and I'm not, which is weird.\n\n<<if $door is true>>I consider waking Dave up to tell him about the door to Narnia in our fridge, but the idea of actually saying words about it weirds me out too much. I'll let him sleep.<<else>>Obviously, I am not going to wake him up just because I got an irritating phone call.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back|Hallway]]

Connected Kit Yanked into the Faerie Court

My satchel is my arsenal, both figuratively and literally, and I probably shouldn't just leave it lying around the house.\n\nIt has a pocket specifically for my tablet PC. It's a reasonably powerful jailbroken Android tablet with a 4G subscription, capable of holding and running whatever I need it to. It's got decent encryption, but all the same I try not to have it hold sensitive data. I'm on this thing pretty much all the time; it's part of what got me the nickname 'Connected Kit' back when I worked for the precinct.\n\nThere's also a notepad and pen in that pocket, because like it or not, it's just faster to scribble on this than to write on the tablet.\n\nOne pocket is for my wallet, IDs, and permits. I don't always do things strictly by the book, but I like having the option.\n\nAnd then there's the holster pocket that carries my Walther PPQ, a tiny little 9mm dealie that I have mercifully never had to kill anybody with.\n\nAfter giving the satchel a once-over, I decide that there's not much else in it to entertain me, so I return my attention to the [[living room]].

This behemoth is the heftiest tax writeoff I have ever made. I call it:\n\n<h2>The Vault.</h2>\n\nThe Vault is not your daddy's filing cabinet. Fireproof, impact-resistant, and equipped with a soundproof combo lock, this thing holds thousands of records securely, as well as all of my data backups. When you work as a PI willing to take high-risk jobs, it pays to know that your customers' data is safe ... and that they can't take it away from you.\n\n'course, I got nothing to look up in the Vault right now, since I have no active cases. I just like talking about it.\n\nMy black molly, Rebecca, lives on top of the Vault. She stares at me from her [[tank|my fishtank]], illuminated softly by the gentle glow from the [[living room]]'s nightlight.

I pull the phone away from my ear and tap it to end the call. What the hell kind of telemarketer calls a body at 6am? On her cell phone, no less.\n\nUgh.\n\nI stuff my face into the pillow [[and try to get back to sleep.|Trying to get back to sleep]].

I'm swiching channels but this show seems to be on every one.\n\nI hit a button to turn on streaming video, but still all I get is the old timey muppet stalker farce.\n\n[[Give up and watch the muppets|Keep watching][$affable += 1]]\n[[Turn the TV off and pretend this never happened|living room][$affable -= 1]]

<h2>Living Room</h2>\nI'm in my living room.\n\nThe only light comes from a LED [[nightlight]], illuminating the room with a blue glow just gentle enough to see by.\n\nThe living room is fairly packed, but the roomie and I make good use of vertical space. Dave's huge book collection is stacked all the way to the ceiling in wall-to-wall shelves whose structural integrity I sometimes doubt.\n\nThe one portion of wall not devoted to shelving units is my double-wide, chest-height [[filing cabinet]]. On top of it sits [[my fishtank]].\n\nFinally, there's the [[TV]], in front of which is a beat-up couch just small enough that you can't sleep on it comfortably. [[My satchel|my satchel]] is on the couch.\n\nA door-sized archway leads to the narrow hall that houses our [[galley-style kitchen|galley kitchen]]. Behind me is the [[hallway|Hallway]]. There's also the front door, but like hell I'm going outside on a February night.

A plastic-molded LED nightlight in the shape of a little canary. It doesn't give off much light, but the living room isn't very big so it's enough.\n\nI've thought about replacing it with something less ... blue, but my roomie loves him some 90s nerd references, so the bird stays.\n\n[[Back|living room]]

I pinch my arm, hard. It hurts.\n\nI squeeze my eyes shut, shake my head, hard, then open them. Still there.\n\nI close the fridge and open it again. No change.\n\nI must be going crazy.\n\n[[Enter the door][$affable += 1]]\n[[I can't deal with this. Close the fridge and walk away.|galley kitchen][$affable -= 1]]

Those people sure are fucking.\n\nYeah this is doing nothing for me. I'm too tired.\n\n[[Back|computer]]

<<if visited() < 2>>I lean down and open the fridge, squinting my eyes at the sudden daylight.\n\nI frown for a moment. Are we out of food?\n\nAlso, why is daylight coming out of my fridge?\n\n[[Something is wrong.]]<<else>>I open the fridge and a cool spring breeze hits my face.\n\nYep, still a portal to a pastoral landscape.\n\n[[Go through|Enter the door]]\n[[Shut the fridge|galley kitchen]]<<endif>>

Hooold on.\n\nIt's not that I don't want to climb through my refrigerator to explore a pastoral landscape<<if $affable < 2>> (ok, maybe I don't)<<endif>>, but I have no idea what's over there.\n\nIf I really want to go there, I'll go put some real clothes on, grab my satchel, fire off an e-mail to Dave, and walk through the damn fridge portal.\n\nBut who knows when or if I'll make it back if I do.\n\n[[Grab my things, get dressed, and go through the door|Get ready and go]]\n[[Look around the apartment more first|I'm not ready yet]]

<<set $affable += 1>>I blink my eyes open and stare uncomprehendingly at the clock.\n\nIt reads <font color=#ff3333><strong>6:05</strong></font>.\n\n[[I do not answer the phone before 8 am. It's a matter of principle.|Missed call]]\n\n[[Then again, I really like buying food, and anybody calling this early is probably a job.|Pick up the phone]]

"Well you tell your faerie king or whatever,"\n\n"Uh, it's Lord. The Most Ineffable--"\n\n"You tell your faerie king or whatever that the next time he calls me up at ass o' clock and wants to give me shit about being an unemployed private dick, maybe he shouldn't use my old force nickname. Because next time this happens, I'm gonna grab //him// by //his// 'unemployed private dick' and squeeze."\n\n"I -- uh --" The cartoon voice seems to be caught off guard.\n\n[[Time to end the call.|End the call]]\n\n

My desk is mostly taken up by my computer tower, both of its monitors, a keyboard, and my speaker system. This rig, and devices like it, are part of what earned me the nickname 'Connected Kit' when I was still a cop.\n\n<<if $computer is false>>The [[computer]] is asleep at the moment; the monitors are blank save for the amber indicator lights showing that they're turned on.<<else>>The [[computer]] is awake now, but idle.<<endif>>\n\nDo I want to use the computer? [[Maybe I'll find something else to do.|My room]]

A few minutes later, I'm dressed, packed, and ready. I have my satchel and a light coat; hopefully it doesn't get as cold in the fridge as it is outside.\n\nDave has been informed that I'm going ... somewhere. I wasn't really sure how to explain, so I didn't.\n\nHere goes, I guess.\n\n[[Step into the fridge]]

Nothing out of the ordinary.\n\n[[Back|Hallway]]

Deleted!<<set $affable -= 1>><<set $VM to false>>\n\nFew guilty pleasures top that of deleting a voicemail message unlistened.\n\nAnyway, back to [[finding something to do|My room]].

"Ahoy ahoy!" The voice on the other end sounds like a cartoon character and is way too chipper for someone awake at 6. "Is this 'Connected Kit Calhoun' speaking?"\n\nI'm groggy enough that the use of my old force nickname doesn't strike me as weird.\n\n"Yeah," I say, then clear my throat again. "This is she. Can I help you?"\n\n"I'm //so// glad you asked," the voice says. "I'm calling you with a //very exciting opportunity// that you will soon be enjoying!"\n\nare you kidding me<<set $VM to false>>\n\n[[Hang up][$affable -= 1]]\n[[Hear them out][$affable +=1]]

<<if $VM is true>>My phone's indicator light blinks to let me know that I have a voice mail waiting.\n\nI could [[delete it]] or [[listen to it]].\n\nOr I could [[put the phone down|My room]] and deal with this later.<<else>>Who would I call this early in the morning?\n\nI [[set the phone down|My room]]. If I want to surf the web, I can go do it over on my [[computer]].<<endif>>

Your curiosity score was <<$affable>>; Kit was <<if $affable < 2>>openly hostile about<<else>><<if $affable < 6>>uninterested in<<else>><<if $affable < 10>>wary of<<else>><<if $affable < 12>>neutral about<<else>><<if $affable < 15>>curious about<<else>><<if $affable < 20>>actively interested in<<else>>fascinated by the idea of<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>> learning about the faerie court.\n\nMy [[Patreon|http://patreon.com/inurashii]] subscribers scored an average of 14.5, meaning that Connected Kit is canonically curious (but a little cautious) about the faerie court.\n\nFrom here you can go to:\n[[The Next Episode|kit-episode-2.html]]\n[[The Episode Index|index.html]]

<<if visited() < 2>><<set $faerie to true>>I flip on the TV.\n\nThe show is some kind of old timey melodrama, all grainy footage in sepia. A cartoonish character in some kind of odd robe is flopping around, looking upset.\n\nOne of those plates with the words on it comes up, reading: "Disaster Strikes the Faerie Court!"\n\nNow there's a crowd of people gathered around something, obscuring it so I can't see. They have weird prostheses, and some are really tall, others are really short.\n\nAnother plate comes up: "This is a job for Connected Kit Calhoun!"\n\n<<if $door is true>>Not this again.<<else>>...the hell?<<endif>>\n\nShould I:\n[[Keep watching][$affable += 1]]\n[[Change the channel][$affable -= 1]]\n[[Turn the TV off and pretend this never happened|living room][$affable -= 1]]<<else>>I turn on the TV again.\n\nIt's still the sepia-toned Faerie Court show. Everybody's running around muppetflailing, but no more title cards come up. I watch for a few minutes, then turn the TV off.\n\n[[Back|living room]]<<endif>>

<h2>Galley Kitchen</h2>\nOur tiny galley-style kitchen is barely big enough for two people to fit past each other. It's a compact setup: an electric oven and range, sink, dishwasher, a bunch of cupboards. Oh, and the microwave and fridge.\n\nEverything is pretty much pristine. This is because everyone who lives in this apartment is //terrible// at cooking and all of our meals tend to be nuke n' go affairs. Sometimes we use the range, but all of our pots are dishwasher safe so we just stick 'em in there.\n\n<<if $door is true>>I wonder if the [[fridge]] is still a freaky portal to Narnia or whatever.<<else>>Maybe I could [[check the fridge|fridge]] and see if I'm craving an early-morning snack.<<endif>>\n\nI could just head back to the [[living room]].

<<if visited() < 2>><<set $affable += 1>>Fine. I'm in the comfort of my own home; nobody needs to know that I'm a gullible fool.\n\n<<endif>>Surprising no one, I don't find a lot of cohesive information about faeries. There are a lot of faerie legends.\n\nMy roommate Dave is way better at this research stuff, but not like I'm gonna wake him for this.\n\nWhat I was able to find is that stories about faeries seem to put a lot of emphasis on symbolism and the connection between symbolically similar objects.\n\n[[Back|computer]]

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Good bid, but no. That shit is way too loud.<<set $affable -= 1>>\n\n[[Ugh fine, wake up|Vaguely Conscious]]\n[[It will end eventually. Ignore it.|Tenaciously clinging to sleep]]

I squeeze my eyes shut and draw in a long breath.\n\n"The faerie court?" I ask.\n\n"Yes, indeed!" the voice squeaks.\n\nNow it starts to sink in. Using my old police nickname. Calling me about a PI job at all hours. This is Dansky or Feldman or one of those other assholes playing a prank.\n\n[[This is too far.|Too far]]

<h2>My Room</h2>\nI'm in my room. <<if $lights is false>>The [[lights]] are off, but there are enough glowing LEDs in the room that it's not too hard to see.<<else>>The incandescent [[lights]] are on, which isn't helping my insomnia much.<<endif>>\n\nThe [[bed]] is rumpled and unmade. My [[phone]] is sitting on the headboard<<if $VM is true>>, its indicator light flashing<<endif>>.\n\nMy [[desk]] is on the other side of the room. <<if $computer is false>>Atop it is my computer, which is currently asleep; an array of glittering indicator lights the only sign that it's on.<<else>>Atop it, both monitors display a procedurally-generated screen saver.<<endif>>\n\nMy door leads [[out to the hallway|Hallway]].

"Are you selling something?" I ask.\n\n"Selling? Why, no!" the cartoon character on the other end of the line says. "I'm calling because we have a need of someone with your //unique skills// and //intellect// to solve a problem most confounding!"\n\nI squint. Is he for real?\n\n"You wanna hire me?" I am in no mood to beat around the bush here.\n\n"Absolutely! You see, there has been a crime most foul in the faerie court, and we need a talented detective -- like you -- to help us solve what needs solving!"<<set $faerie to true>>\n\n[[This is not acceptable.|Not acceptable]]

It's jarring. Doesn't seem like part of the dream.\nOh, I'm dreaming.\n\n[[Ignore it.|Asleep?]]\n[[Wake up?|Vaguely Conscious]]

Totally awake now, I lie in bed for what seems like forever.\n\nFinally I turn my head to look at the clock. It says <font color=#ff3333><strong>6:09</strong></font>.\n\nA sinking feeling joins the feeling of exhausted nausea. I'm not getting back to sleep. Damn.\n\nI'll have to [[get up and find something calm to do until I get sleepy again.|get up]]

I try to keep your computer desktop pretty tidy; only my most frequently used programs and folders get shortcuts.\n\n<<if $deleted is false>>And, uh, a text file that I absolutely did not put there.\n\nIt's titled [[an_email_4_connected_kit.txt]].\n\n...\n\nPart of me wants to [[delete it and pretend it was never there.]]\n\n[[Or just ignore it.|computer]]<<else>>That's it. No mysterious text files.\n\n[[Back|computer]]<<endif>>

Nothing new since yesterday.\n\nNot sure what I was expecting.\n\n[[Back|computer]]

Caelyn Sandel

I hunch down, holding my satchel in front of me. The fridge's opening is low enough that I have to get on my hands and knees and crawl through.\n\nOnce the plastic floor of the fridge gives way to soft grass, I clamber to my feet. I hear the soft //thud// of the fridge door behind me.\n\nAs I turn, I see that whatever door there was on this side has disappeared. I'm alone with no way back.\n\n"Well," I say aloud to myself. "This is a fine mess."\n\n[[End Episode One]]