''write a bio''
the instructions say
you grit your teeth, tortured spirits wailing in sympathy with you. the most cursed task. you must
[[be honest->be honest]]
[[give them what they want->give them what they want]]
[[abandon defining yourself->abandon defining yourself]]your mournful flesh prison clacks away on the keyboard, confessing crimes, secrets, your borderline unhealtly drug habits and your extremely unhealthy relationship habits, that one year abroad where you worked as a blowjob technician.
this will not get you the job
what was the job again
[[duckling aligning->duckling aligning]]
[[ghost train conductor->ghost train conductor]]
[[party bottom->party bottom]]
[[software engineer->software engineer]]
the lies flow from your eldritch fingertips, delightful reframings of your sordid past and multifaceted skillset to appeal to your audience.
who is your audience again
[[wage slaver->wage slaver]]
[[hiring panel->hiring panel]]
[[your dad->your dad]]you are spiritually and emotionally unprepared for this task, it is truly cursed. you collect the small broken parts of yourself, then the large shiny parts, then the soft, the hard, the sharp, the remembered and forgotten and walk away from the curse of defining your multiplicity to others.
your corporeal form experiences a lessening of anxiety but an increase in loneliness, and you continue on your way, unjudged, undefined, unknown.only the most adept magic weavers are employed in the Duckling Alignment Agency. the ducklings are disoriented, prone to wander and yet their alignment is fundamental to the fabric of reality.
your honesty impresses the wizard who interviews you and she welcomes you to the family. your checkered past is an asset in manipulating the powerful energies necessary. your future is bright. the ducklings are waiting.the Conductor's Council meets in a huge warehouse full of trains. trains of all genders and engine types, big trains, small trains. you stand before the council, small in the center of a convergence of tracks. representaives of all the ghost train clans are present.
you bow.
the trains speak to you, and about you at length. your relationship habits are interrogated the most, because ghost trains and their conductors must have healthy, synergistic working relationship.
trains are really into synergy.
they almost disqulify you, but one clan elder tips the vote, provided you are actively engaged in therapy.
you agree, and get the job.ever since your year of blowjob technick-ing you've wanted the coveted freelance party bottom position at Aunt Kitty's Bangbar. you hope your skills are up to the interview process, which involves complex math, physics, and mock sex party planning problems.
you don't even get to display your blowjob skills until the second interview.
luckily, the competition gets confounded on which appendages are which of some of the more exotic beings in attendance during the hands-on portion of the interview process and you're welcomed to Miss Kitty's employ.
the hiring mananger is enthusiastic, chipper, high as fuck as he explains the normal contract that gives the company your body and soul and all creative secretions for 10 years after your employment ends and your drug habits are not a problem here, you may even have to step up your useage haha we're a very fun company with a great culture we all love it here. he stops talking about the company to make a joke about women and ghost trains which you don't laugh at because it wasn't even funny and anyway what does that have to do with the job.
you go home after the interview feeling odd, and get a message later from the hiring manager about not fitting company culture.
he signs the email,
''your bro''like all slavers the wage slaver is morally corrupt and your mission is to get hired long enough to bring down the operation. through assassination if necessary.
your lies hold up to inspection by whever is hiring and you get an invitation to visit the headquarters for an interview.
during the interview you learn some key information, and name drop the right people. it takes several months to get everything in position, incuding yourself.
one night in a spectacular fire the headquarters burns down, destroying the magical wards that trapped the wages. free to return to the people, the wages rush out into the night.
you leak files to the news detailing the slaver's business dealings, and your work is done.
tricking heroes into neverending hedge mazes and brokering fairy deals isn't paying as well as it should, so here you are trying to get a job with all these beautiful lies.
it mostly works, but you're living a lie and every day going to work is a test in your acting skills, constant stress and is it even worth it.
it feels like a bad fairy deal.time to make dad proud the old fashioned way, through lies and deception!
the email you're writing is a masterpiece, he doesn't suspect a thing until your face ends up in the news feeds for a psychic bank robbery that went awry and released 1000 unpublished mech sex fantasies on a Mormon ghost farm.
the next visit home will be interesting.