"A Humans guide for dummies: Mornings"

Good morning! <img src=./img/Window.png> You awaken from the previous evenings slumber. Parched, hungry, you stumble out of bed with a splitting headache and the taste of bacon staining your taste buds... you don't even remember eating bacon! ...tastes pretty good though... Unless you don’t like bacon... In which case it tastes like a pig has farted in your mouth while you slept... Kind of like the tooth fairy, but gross... ...back to the point! The fact is, the more you think on it, the more you realise you can't remember a thing about last night. Are you hung-over? It would explain the throbbing headache! ...And maybe the fact that you slept in nothing but your underwear and your shoes. I mean, how did you get your trousers off in the first place? And where the hell did they go?!?! Regardless, you are up now... [**Beep, Beep, Beep!**]<nametag2| (set: $playerValue to 0) (set: $time to 10) (set: $r to (text-style: "rumble")) (set: $f to (text-style: "fade-in-out")) (click-replace: ?nametag2)[You instinctively reach over and slam the snooze button on your phone in groggy frustration. Only now, as you look at the time, are you reminded of the fact that you have a very important job interview in less than an hour. The drive is at least 50 minutes away... See, I don’t know about you, but I don't think they will appreciate you turning up late... Or in your underwear, for that matter... In a state of panic, you flail your flabby human body around like jello as you have $time minutes left. what do you do first? [[Food and coffee, stat! -> Breakfast **]] [[Clothes?!?! Where are my clothes!!! -> Get dressed **]] [[Clear bladder, clear mind! -> Morning Tinkle **]] [[Grab the essentials, bag, ID, paperwork... -> Organised **]] $f[[...but I'm tired...->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 1)(set: $time to 5)Maybe it’s the overbearing taste of bacon tickling at the back of your throat, or maybe it’s the munchies whispering sweet promises, but you find yourself scrambling out of bed with nothing but toast, egg and pig meat in mind. Never mind clothes, you have a mission, and that mission is food! With the wind flowing freely through your thighs, you dive down the stairs with the grace of a walrus breaking through ice. Colliding with the door at the bottom of the stairway, you manoeuvre your vessel of flesh off the ground and into the kitchen, [flinging the refrigerator door wide open.]<nametag1| (click-replace: ?nametag1)[flinging the refrigerator door wide open. Upon inspecting the inside of the barren icebox, you are reminded of your crippling lack of "cash-money", as the kids say. All that remains in this frigid wasteland are two rashers of bacon, an egg and two slices of bread (One of which is the crust, the universally hated slice... That you might love. I hold no judgements here... But just know that universally, you are the hated slice!) Sizzle, slice, butter-up-nice, Breakfast is served! <img src=./img/Breakfast.png> ...And wafted down like there's no tomorrow. Lovely! Now that your hunger is sated, you burp a triumphant belch, before checking the time on the wall-clock. You have $time minutes left...just enough time for one other thing. What do you do?!?! [[It's a bit chilly...Oh, right, clothes!!! -> Get dressed 2 *]] [[All that food's putting weight on my stomach...Where’s the bathroom again?!?! -> Morning Tinkle 2 *]] [[Grab my CV, Hurry!... -> Organised 2 *]] $f[[...Breakfast has made me sleepy...->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 3)(set: $time to 5)As the cold air begins to chill your sensitive chest raisins like a pair of popsicles, the sudden realisation of how naked you are washes over you. Cold, and in no real mood to attend the meeting in your birthday suit, you quickly and methodically put on your clothes... ..only to realise half way through that you are going to an interview, not the local pub to play snooker with Clark and Jeff... Well, a hypothetical of course. Those would be the names of your friends, if you had any. Before you begin to cry as you come to the self-realisation of your crippling loneliness, your thoughts are interrupted by the sudden, repetitive beep of the washing machine downstairs. Like a fat house cat to a lasagne, you shuffle down the stairs and through the living room, toward the dishwasher in search for your [clothes...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[clothes... <img src=./img/DW.png> Opening the port-hole-looking door, you reach inside and pull out your swanky new suit, that is now soaked and sudden like a fashionable diver’s suit. "Who puts their new suit in a washing machine?", you might ask. Well, you do, with that "Go get em" attitude! Plugging in the hair dryer, you get to work, attempting to dry the entire suit as best as you possibly can. Still moderately wet on the inside, you decide you don’t have the time to spare, so you slink your body inside like a banana returning to its skin. Hey, at least the outside looks dry! Adorning a pair of smart trousers, some swanky shoes and a tie straight out of the 80's, you actually feel a sense of confidence surge through you as you stare at yourself in the mirror...only for that confidence to fade away as you check the time on your wrist watch... You have $time minutes left...just enough time for one other thing. What do you do?!?! [[Time to munch! -> Breakfast4 *]] [[The wet suits made me desperate for a tinkle...-> Morning Tinkle4 *]] [[Grab the portfolio, damn-it!!! -> Organised4 *]] $f[[...The soaked shell of the suit reminds me of my bed...->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 2)(set: $time to 5)As a wise individual once said "A clear bladder is a clear conscious". Putting those words to the test, you arise from your metres of rest like a pee-driven phoenix and storm your way to tinkle-town. Upon reaching the porcelain throne, you allow the waterworks to [flow...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[flow... What? I'm not paid enough to sit here and narrate you taking a dump... No, seriously, I'm not doing it... Just picture the sounds and smells in your head... Or don't. I don’t know, you do you!] <img src=./img/Bog.png> Now that your tango of the toilet kind has been sated, your mind drifts as you stare at the [shower...]<-nameTag2|(click-replace: ?nametag2)[shower... Deciding its best not to arrive at an interview smelling like a breakfast burrito, you remove the already bare amount of clothing from your body and clamber into the tub with the majesty of a legless hobo. You then switch it on, allowing the cold embrace of water to moisturise your skin like a sun-baked farmland in the Sahara. Once you are done, you step out, dry off and take a quick little peek at the scales to see if you had lost any of that Christmas weight that you promised yourself oh-so confidently that you would get rid of[...]<-nameTag3|(click-replace: ?nametag3)[...nope.] Finally, you check the time on the small digital radio next to the sink. You have $time minutes left...just enough time for one other thing. What do you do?!?! [[Eat you fool! -> Breakfast3 *]] [[I'm naked damn it! Where are my clothes?!?! -> Get dressed3 *]] [[Pack the bag, we got ‘a go! -> Organised3 *]] $f[[...I kind ‘a feel clean and tired...->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 4)(set: $time to 5)Sliding out of your bed and down the stairs, you slither your way begrudgingly into your "Office"… Or, should I say, your cupboard with a small laptop, a desk and a few posters of kittens with "Hang in there" adorned as a slogan beneath the image... ...I won’t beat around the bush. It's sad :( With your eyes darting around the small space like a chameleon on crack, you locate all of your necessary documents and doodads, shovelling them into your business bag in a hurry that could only be described as "erotically frustrated". <img src=./img/Bag.png> As you crumple your notes into your bag, you take a peek inside, swearing that there's something [missing...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[missing... Your portfolio! of course! ...Oh, right, your portfolio... Taking a firm grip of the underwhelming folder, you dare not look inside. After nearly 15+ years of education, you always feel that sliver of disappointment as you gaze at the few sheets of paper that supposedly gave gratification to your accomplishments... Like a businessman’s trading card game that you pay thousands for, only to have to wait a few years to get... And then some basterd named Terry comes along with his overpowered PHD and laughs as he whoops your booty out of the casual game of "wishy-woshy, who's overqualified!" In all this frustration, you work up a sweat. Then, with one final motion, you place the folder delicately into your kangaroo pouch for people. Wiping the beads of sweat from your brow, you congratulate yourself on your minor victory, as you slide the leather poach strap over your shoulder... Forgetting that you are quite literally in a cupboard, close to naked, with a leather bag over your shoulder... If that doesn’t scream the pose of a champion, then nothing does! Checking the time on your laptop, you gasp. You have $time minutes left...just enough time for one other thing. What do you do?!?! [[Gotta get that caffeine!! -> Breakfast5 *]] [[I don’t want to get chaffed by this strap...lets at least put a shirt on! -> Get dressed5 *]] [[Pee time! -> Morning Tinkle5 *]] $f[[...Maybe I can cuddle this bag as I sleep...->Lazy]] ]

[You decide that this interview just isn’t going to happen...]<nameTag1| (if: $playerValue is 0)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Nude, hungry, thirsty, tired and cold... There’s something to be said about the human mind, first thing in the morning, where even if the end of the world was occurring, you would still think to yourself "...hmmm, 5 more minutes", before snoring with your butt in the air. We all do it, there’s no helping it really.... Maybe not the Butt in the air thing, but still. With one final stretch, you roll over in bed, tucking yourself beneath the sheets... [[...]] ]] (else-if: $playerValue is 1)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[With crumbs crowning your front like a breaded shrimp, you lug your belly up the stairway, past the laundry basket that you said you'd empty a while ago, and back into your room, plummeting softly onto your bed... And by softly, I mean with a thud that could be mistaken for a minor earthquake... for ants. Patting your stomach with a hearty grin, you close your eyes... [[...]] ]] (else-if: $playerValue is 2)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Refreshed that you no longer need to empty your bowels, you return to your mattress, sinking onto the duvet. Despite your efforts having a shower, you can still smell the thick, gut wrenching smell of vomit, and an unhealthy amount of sweat seeping from the bedsheets. Too tired to care, you sink into the mattress, sighing... [[...]] ]] (else-if: $playerValue is 3)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[In the amount of time it too you to locate, dry and apply your clothing, you have already returned to your room and pealed the wet fabric from your flesh like a waterlogged banana. Now tucked beneath your sheets, you stare up at the ceiling fan, uncomfortably clingy from the moisture left on your skin. You exhale... [[...]] ]] (else-if-: $playerValue is 4)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Maybe it's the overwhelming thought of your lack of accomplishment, or maybe you feel the need for companionship, but you clutch your bag firmly as you return to your slab of slumber. not resisting its soft surface, you let the mattress of your bed take you, nestling the bag close to your chest... [[...]] ]] (else-if: $playerValue is 13)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[refreshed, empty, full... you are many things, but "ready for this interview" isn’t one of them. Exhausted, apprehensive, confused? Regardless of what you are, as you embrace the covers on your bed, you smile... [[...]] ]] (else-if: $playerValue is 14)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Even after eating and dressing up in your new suit, you still ended up feeling like a wet dish cloth, left out to dry... "Suiting" you say to yourself... ...Then immediately feel silly, as that was a bad pun. clambering onto your bed, you stretch as you stare up to the ceiling fan, watching it go around and round... [[...]] ]] (else-if-: $playerValue is 15)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Even with the bag packed, the breakfast scoffed and the ball rolling, the only direction you feel like heading is straight back to bed... ...Getting this far, only to retreat back to the comfort of your mattress, you sink in and stare blankly at the inside of your eyelids... [[...]] ]] (else-if: $playerValue is 15.5)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[With no pee left inside you and clothes glued to your body, you feel like you can take on the world! ...if the world was in your head, as you slept... Still dressed, and now calm and collected, you slink eagerly back onto your mattress, resting with your back curved gently on the silky-soft sheets. With a small grin, you place both hands beneath your head, and close your eyes... [[...]] ]] (else-if: $playerValue is 16)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Its funny to you how you can feel so refreshed, yet so stupid at the same time. standing there with your bag, an empty bladder, and practically nothing else... Chuckling like a flatulent hyena, you mosey on back to your room, where you jump into bed, clutching your bag in tender embrace... [[...]] ]] (else-if: $playerValue is 17)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Dressed, packed, and ready to leave, you find yourself unable to exit the front door. "I'm a bumbling mess" you think to yourself, staring down at your tie dripping into a small puddle of water beneath your feat. Sighing, you do the best thing you can think to do… You return to your room, close the blinds, and sit on your bed, removing your shoes... [[...]] ]] (set: $time to 0)

[You step out the doorway...]<-nameTag1| (if: $playerValue is 13)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[With a hearty stomach, and an even heartier attitude, you piroet off the front porch with such grace and passion that the neighbours cant help but scream "Charles, get the gun! they're doing it again!" Strutting your stuff down the road and into the city, you cant help but notice how cold it is out. What with it coming up to winter time, you can practically feel your skin trying to cling on for dear life. Worse still, it appears that everyone around you has been trying to avoid you (For some strange reason) and so asking to borrow anyones coat has been a negligable task. Still, you dont let this detere you, for you are the hero of this journey! Entering the place of employment, you roll up to the front desk, approaching the unaware assistent with the sleak stalking skills of an anorexic tiger, before delivering a pridefull "*AHEM*" Slowly lifting her eyes off her work, the assistant practiclly spits her coffee out. Attempting to remain calm, she places the cup down and "professionally" reaches bellow the front desk. Your confused at first, untill a set of security guards come marching over to you. Shrugging and accepting your fate, you attempt to book it, only to have yourself crushed, battered and cuffed. Like a popped popcorn curnel, and with the ever-so strong taste of backon in your mouth from bitting your tongue, you are rushed to the hopsital shortly after, where you are delivered plenty of drugs to numb the pain, and a few others to numb the crazy they beleive you to be. Then, as everything drifts way into darkness, you forget it all... ...Well, dosent that suck, huh? [[My Breakfast routine **<- Restart]] ]] (if: $playerValue is 14)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Although you find yourself desperate for the toilet, you fight through the pain. Deciding that you’ll win them over more with charm then any need for a CV, you march on out through the front door, get in your car and drive. As you had expected, traffic was bad. The stops and starts of bumper to bumper cars dwindling your confidence, all while you fidget in a dire need to visit the potty as you check the time on your watch. Somehow, despite the tension (in more areas then one) you manage to get there just in the nick of time. Parking your car haphazardly against the pavement, you bolt from the door to the office building in an impressive time-span, which is less impressive considering you have to pause, return to the car, then check twice to confirm that you definitely locked it. Eventually, you make your way inside. You navigate your way through a daunting hallway, as the clicking of keyboards behind computer booths reminds you vaguely of angry crickets at a punk-metal concert. Approaching the front desk, you tighten your tie to seem like a civilised human being and make a loose attempt at drawing the women at the desk’s attention. Now, normal, civilised human beings tend to communicate through voice and emotion. But you are just a peach from a pear tree, aren’t you? Maybe it’s nerves, or perhaps her stern stare, or even your desperate need to evacuate your bowels, but somehow you manage to squeeze a noise out from your throat that no human being has ever made (But I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it from a cat… a really sick cat), before waving your arms like a jellyfish out of water. Embarrassed, you stop in just enough time to realise that, right now, your parents are probably regretting not going to university to have you. Eying you up and down beneath her glasses like an industrial fuelled hawk, the assistant pushes a small clipboard toward you, mutters something under her breath, then returns to her work. Surprised, you pick up the clipboard and take a gander at its content… [[Read clipboard]] ]] (if: $playerValue is 15)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Despite you having your vital credentials on hand and a warm meal in your stomach, no amount of preparation or internal warmth can save you now from the bitter cold nibbling its way into your bare flesh like a million frost-bitten ants. Like a bro after super squat Saturday, you waddle your way over to your car, amply opening the door and huddling inside, embracing the oh-so minor change in temperature. Warming your butt on the car seat, you start the engine and join in on the adult version of bumper cars, minus the bumping. Like grandparents in a local market, traffic slowly crawls onward, as countless minutes go by. Unfortunately, the stillness of the traffic does cause many other pedestrians to take a subtle glance into your car, before hastily looking anywhere else, as to avoid staring at the crazy person driving naked to an interview. Finally arriving on sight, you breathe a sigh of relief, as you have made it on time. However, as you attempt to park your car, you’re stopped by a traffic warden. Tapping on your window, the tall, burly man peers down at you over the brim of his shades. [[You gulp, as you roll down the window…->Station]] ]] (if: $playerValue is 15.5)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Now changed and unburdened by the desire to empty yourself, you are heading out to the interview in high spirits! So high even, that at some point you seem to forget the fact that you haven’t brought any kind of documentation with you what-so ever! Who are you to be held down by something as trivial as a piece of paper? Education? **PFFFF** Who needs it? strutting down the street, you march by your fellow humans, avoiding eye-contact and power-walking your way to victory road! Just as you notice the office building down the way, you are suddenly struck by the sweet-sweet smell of breakfast! Turning your head like an owl to a mouse, your eyes lock on the nearby diner. Deciding that you can have a bite to eat there after the interview, this fills you with a new kind of energy, and thus you power-walk hastily to the office blocks front door. Bursting through them, you flex your muscles as you stride toward the front desk, assistants practically fainting at the pure macho… Placing a palm against the desk, you ask for the interview schedule… [[Nani?!?!]] ]] (if: $playerValue is 16)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[With your bladder taken care off, and your documents in prime condition, you set off like a student in a nightmare. Only lacking the signature toast-in-mouth tradition, you make a dash for it down the busy city streets of your area, making a break for the office block in which your interview will be taking place. Suddenly, the familiar sound of sirens flare, as a police car comes speeding around the corner, blaring at you with megaphones to cease your movements and to not resist arrest… …But you’re not one of those kind of pushovers, are you? utilising your skill in parkour, you navigate through crowds like a nude lemur, bounding across walls and benches like your life depends on it. …which, eventually, it does, as the sound of rifle fire only speeds up your movements. Attempting to lose them, you dip sharply into a network of alleyways, hopping over fences and throwing trash cans at the coppers on foot. Now with the small patrol unit out of sight, you take a few seconds to catch your breath, as a police dog comes rounding the corner, its gnashers primed at areas you know you don’t want gnashed. Turning to run, you go to run, when suddenly you come over fuzzy. Your lack of breakfast has burned you out much faster than you would have hoped. Cornered, and with no strength to climb another chain fence, you turn just in time to witness the fangs sink deep into your tooshie… Unfortunately, unlike cartoons, a dog biting your behind does not grant you an enormous jump boost. …Instead, you collide face first with the pavement, your mouth filling with blood as you bite into your own tongue. [[My Breakfast routine **<- …This is the last thing you remember, as everything goes dark…]] ]] (if: $playerValue is 17)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Despite your pressing urge to visit the restroom, and the lack of food in your stomach, you feel… confident! Those are secondary concerns, after all. For now, you are dressed and primed with all your things to get this job and do this thing right! Outside, in the cold winter air, you exhale. Plumes of white vapour float outward toward the grey-vailed sky, as flakes of white begin to drift downward, nestling gently on the concreate beneath your shoes. Knowing full well that taking a car would be fruitless if the roads were iced over, you decide to walk instead. Unsparingly, the streets are barren, thus making your travel that much calmer. Arriving at the office block 2 minutes early, you sign a pamphlet and make your way upstairs. There, you speak to the boss, who takes a shining to you, as you remind him of a friend he once knew at primary. Unsurprisingly, after a few more questions, you are exactly that friend. With the pleasure of reuniting after so many years passing, the two of you discuss, ask questions, and laugh about the good old days when the two of you were younger. Watching the snow fall outside, your new “boss” hands you over the contract, and with a smile, lets you know when you start next week. Somehow, accepting the contract causes you to pause. To reflect, to… well up? You haven’t had a proper job before… nor have you had a friend in such a long time… Everything begins to feel warm. Fuzzy. Like a dream… [[…like a dream…]] ]]

(set: $playerValue to 14)(set: $time to 1)Consuming the last few bites of bread off your plate, you become uncomfortably aware of how naked you are as a few crumbs trickle down your chest. Brushing them away, you venture forward from the kitchen in search of some clothes to adorn your pasty morsel of human anatomy. Thankfully, you don’t need to move too far, as your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the sound of the washing machine behind you, beeping away at you like you give a damn... which you do! Imitating a penguin, you waddle toward the spinning box of bacteria-killing terror and turn it [off...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[off... <img src=./img/DW.png> Sifting through the suds, you pull your arm out with the might of Zeus, wielding a pretty swanky suit. Sadly, the only thing it would be good for in its current, soaked state, would be to literally imitate a penguin, what with its sleek soaked nature. Chucking it over the radiator and putting on blast, you quickly chuck on some more suitable undergarments, and arranging yourself nicely with a small bowtie that reminds you vividly of kids TV presenters from the 1980's... Which is why you immediately switch back over to a tie. checking the suit once again, it seems moderately dry to you... On the outside at least. However, as you check the time on your watch, you are painstakingly reminded of the time... You have $time minutes left... You twiddle around on the spot, as you try desperately to go to the bathroom to tinkle, but at the same time want to pack your bag. In a state of panic, you throw both the wayside, and approach the front of your house. With little to no time to think, your hunger an old issue and your clothes clinging uncomfortably too you, the doorway outside becomes ever so daunting... ...Gulping, you decide your course of action! [[I got this!->end]] $f[[...I'm about to go to an interview in wet clothes... I think I’ll be going back to bed now! ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 13)(set: $time to 1)With food now nestled softly in your stomach, you take a second to pick priorities. while fulfilling, you begin to realise that breakfast (And perhaps a mixture of whatever brutal concoction you had last night) has decided to evict the previous residence...If you know what I mean... ...it’s a poop joke... You're welcome! waddling toward the laboratory like a scientist on a mission, you begin your wicked [work...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[work... It's another poop joke. Please tell me I don’t have to narrate everything to you... Maybe you get it, but you want me to describe it... well no, you perv!] <img src=./img/Bog.png> With your "Experiment" coming up positive, your mind drifts as you stare at the [shower...]<-nameTag2|(click-replace: ?nametag2)[shower... Deciding its best not to arrive at an interview smelling like an old fart sandwich, you remove the already bare amount of clothing from your body and clamber into the tub with the majesty of a baby goose that’s actually an alligator. You then switch it on, singing the tune of your favourite song in an octave that dogs can only describe as "***ANGRY BARKING NOISES***". Once you are done, you step out, dry off and take a quick little peek at the scales to see if you had lost any of that Christmas weight that you promised yourself oh-so confidently that you would [get rid of...]<-nameTag3|(click-replace: ?nametag3)[get rid of... Maybe, but it's hard to tell considering you just ate... but I'll go with nope.] Finally, you check the time on the small digital radio next to the sink. You have $time minute left... With no time left, your hunger sated and your bowels pleasantly empty, you stare at the doorway to the outside world, nearly naked, unprepared and unsure as to whether you want to take a step outside or not... ...It's your call, buckaroo! [[I've done worse, let’s get going!->end]] $f[[...You know what? I'm full and pretty comfy. Let’s call it a day! ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 15)(set: $time to 1)Lurching off your seat, you sprint into your "Office" at lightning speed... colliding with the coat rack and the broom, considering your office is nothing more than the cupboard converted into a small work space. ...No matter what way I look at it, It's still sad... Sweeping your desk and its draws for essentials, you fill your bag to the brim with paperwork, business cards and a small stress toy that you find to be incredibly calming in tight situations... <img src=./img/Bag.png> ...As this is one of those situations, you squeeze the ever-loving F*ck out of it, before realising that your missing [something...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[something... Your portfolio! of course! franticly searching for it, you pull out every draw, search every nook and cranny, until you eventually become flustered, having to take a step back and think as to where you last saw it... which turned out to be at that moment, right in front of you, on the desk. Right in plain sight. There's no hiding it, you are a moron. shoving the folder into your bag, you tighten the leather strap around you, realising as the cold leather embraces your skin that you're still essentially naked, and in a dire need to visit the restroom Checking the time on your laptop, you gasp. You have $time minutes left... It’s too late. While you may be fed and organised, your bladder still needs emptying and clothes are still of vital importance... A sudden thought surges in your mind. "Hell no! I haven’t come this far to just back down!" Marching to the front door, you pause to take a deep breath in, as your hand reaches for the doorknob... [[Forward, to victory!->end]] $f[[...What the actual F*ck am I doing! Stop!!! ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 13)(set: $time to 1)Maybe it’s the overbearing taste of bacon tickling at the back of your throat, or maybe it’s the munchies whispering sweet promises, but you find yourself scrambling out of the bathroom with nothing but toast, egg and pig meat in mind. Never mind clothes, you have a mission, and that mission is food! With the wind flowing freely through your thighs, you dive down the stairs with the grace of a walrus breaking through ice. Colliding with the door at the bottom of the stairway, you manoeuvre your vessel of flesh off the ground and into the kitchen, [flinging the refrigerator door wide open.]<nametag1| (click-replace: ?nametag1)[flinging the refrigerator door wide open. Upon inspecting the inside of the barren icebox, you are reminded of your crippling lack of "cash-money", as the kids say. All that remains in this frigid wasteland are two rashers of bacon, an egg and two slices of bread (One of which is the crust, the universally hated slice... That you might love. I hold no judgements here... But just know that universally, you are the hated slice!) You sizzle the bacon, prep the egg and butter up the bread using milky udder bars (Called that by me, and now by you) Boom, Breakfast is served! <img src=./img/Breakfast.png> ...And wafted down like there's no tomorrow. Lovely! Now that your hunger is sated, you burp a triumphant belch, before checking the time on the wall-clock. You have $time minutes left... There's no time left. now that you've emptied yourself and filled that void back up again, you are still virtually naked and still unorganised in any meaningful way... [[Stuff that, I'll get the job regardless!->end]] $f[[...I'm going back to bed, stuff this... ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 15.5)(set: $time to 1)Stepping out of the bathroom squeaky clean, you become uncomfortably aware of how naked you are as you pass a mirror and nearly have a panic attack. calming down, you venture from the bathroom in search of some clothes to adorn your pasty morsel of human anatomy. Thankfully, you don’t need to search hard, as your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the sound of the washing machine, beeping away at you like you give a damn... which you do! Imitating a penguin, you waddle in the general direction of the spinning box of bacteria-killing terror and turn it [off...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[off... <img src=./img/DW.png> Sifting through the suds, you pull your arm out with the might of Zeus, wielding a pretty swanky suit. Sadly, the only thing it would be good for in its current, soaked state, would be to literally imitate a penguin, what with its sleek soaked nature. Chucking it over the radiator and putting on blast, you quickly chuck on some more suitable undergarments, and arranging yourself nicely with a small bowtie that reminds you vividly of kids TV presenters from the 1980's... Which is why you immediately switch back over to a tie. checking the suit once again, it seems moderately dry to you... On the outside at least. However, as you check the time on your watch, you are painstakingly reminded of the time... You have $time minutes left... You clench your stomach as you are overwhelmed by hunger and thirst, but at the same time want to pack your bag and be organised. In a state of panic, you throw both the wayside, and approach the front of your house. With little to no time to think, your toiletry issues thwarted and your clothes clinging uncomfortably too you, the doorway outside becomes ever so daunting... ...Gulping, you decide your course of action! [[I got this!->end]] $f[[...I'm about to go to an interview in wet clothes... I think I’ll be going back to bed now! ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 16)(set: $time to 1)Sprinting out of the bathroom, you head down the stairs and into your "Office" at lightning speed... colliding with the coat rack and the broom, considering your office is nothing more than the cupboard converted into a small work space. ...No matter what way I look at it, It's still sad... Sweeping your desk and its draws for essentials, you fill your bag to the brim with paperwork, business cards and a small stress toy that you find to be incredibly calming in tight situations... <img src=./img/Bag.png> ...As this is one of those situations, you squeeze the ever-loving F*ck out of it, before realising that your missing [something...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[something... Your portfolio! of course! franticly searching for it, you pull out every draw, search every nook and cranny, until you eventually become flustered, having to take a step back and think as to where you last saw it... which turned out to be at that moment, right in front of you, on the desk. Right in plain sight. There's no hiding it, you are a moron. shoving the folder into your bag, you tighten the leather strap around you, realising as the cold leather embraces your skin that you're still essentially naked, and in a dire need of a morning snack! Checking the time on your laptop, you gasp. You have $time minutes left... It’s too late. While you may be relieved and organised, your Stomach is still empty, and clothes are still of vital importance... A sudden thought surges in your mind. "Hell no! I haven’t come this far to just back down!" Marching to the front door, you pause to take a deep breath in, as your hand reaches for the doorknob... [[Forward, to victory!->end]] $f[[...What the actual F*ck am I doing! Stop!!! ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 14)(set: $time to 1)Maybe it’s the overbearing taste of bacon tickling at the back of your throat, or maybe it’s the munchies whispering sweet promises, but you find yourself tripping on your own clothes with nothing but toast, egg and pig meat in mind. Never mind anything else, you have a mission, and that mission is food! Turning your attention to the rest of the kitchen, you now hone in on the cupboards and utensils, with plans of food preparation filling your head like a scene in a detective movie...a pretty low budget one. With the skill of a regular person with no training what-so-ever, you [fling the refrigerator door wide open.]<nametag1| (click-replace: ?nametag1)[fling the refrigerator door wide open. Upon inspecting the inside of the barren icebox, you are reminded of your crippling lack of "cash-money", as the kids say. All that remains in this frigid wasteland are two rashers of bacon, an egg and two slices of bread (One of which is the crust, the universally hated slice... That you might love. I hold no judgements here... But just know that universally, you are the hated slice!) You sizzle the bacon, prep the egg and butter up the bread using milky udder bars (Called that by me, and now by you) Boom, Breakfast is served! <img src=./img/Breakfast.png> ...And wafted down like there's no tomorrow. Lovely! Now that your hunger is sated, you burp a triumphant belch, before checking the time on the wall-clock. You have $time minutes left... There's no time left. now that you're dressed and filled up on fuel, you are still In a dire need to tinkle and still unorganised in any meaningful way... [[Stuff that, I'll get the job regardless!->end]] $f[[...I'm going back to bed, stuff this... ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 15.5)(set: $time to 1)With Clothes now clinging softly to your morsel like a suction-cup to a bathroom tile, you take a second to pick priorities. while you are now dressed, you begin to realise that the wet nature of the suit has begun to remind you of a waterfall... Filled with apple juice... If you know what I mean... ...its a pee joke... You're welcome! waddling toward the laboratory like a scientist on a mission, you begin your wicked [work...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[work... It's another pee joke. Please tell me I don’t have to narrate everything to you... Maybe you get it, but you want me to describe it... well no, you perv!] <img src=./img/Bog.png> With your "Experiment" coming up positive, your mind drifts as you stare at the [shower...]<-nameTag2|(click-replace: ?nametag2)[shower... Deciding its best not to arrive at an interview smelling like an infested fungal theatre, you remove the wet clothing from your body and clamber into the tub with the majesty of a legless spider. You then switch it on, singing the tune of your favourite song in an octave that dogs can only describe as "***ANGRY BARKING NOISES***". Once you are done, you step out, dry off and take a quick little peek at the scales to see if you had lost any of that Christmas weight that you promised yourself oh-so confidently that you would [get rid of...]<-nameTag3|(click-replace: ?nametag3)[get rid of... Still nope.] Finally, you check the time on the small digital radio next to the sink. You have $time minute left... With no time left, you put your wet clothes back on. Now that your bowels are bowels pleasantly empty, you return to the stairs and stare at the doorway to the outside world, unprepared and unsure as to whether or not you want to take a step outside... ...It's your call, buckaroo! [[I may be hungry, and uprepared, but damn I smell good!->end]] $f[[...You know what? I'm pretty comfy. Let’s call it a day! ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 17)(set: $time to 1)Whizzing out the kitchen, you head into the other room and enter your "Office" at lightning speed... colliding with the coat rack and the broom, considering your office is nothing more than the cupboard converted into a small work space. ...No matter what way I look at it, It's still sad... Sweeping your desk and its draws for essentials, you fill your bag to the brim with paperwork, business cards and a small stress toy that you find to be incredibly calming in tight situations... <img src=./img/Bag.png> ...As this is one of those situations, you squeeze the ever-loving F*ck out of it, before realising that your missing [something...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[something... Your portfolio! of course! franticly searching for it, you pull out every draw, search every nook and cranny, until you eventually become flustered, having to take a step back and think as to where you last saw it... which turned out to be at that moment, right in front of you, on the desk. Right in plain sight. There's no hiding it, you are a moron. shoving the folder into your bag, you tighten the leather strap around you, realising as the leather embraces your wet suit that you're still desperate to do the pee-pee dance, and in a dire need of a morning snack! Checking the time on your laptop, you gasp. You have $time minutes left... It’s too late. While you may be relieved and organised, your Stomach is still empty, and your bladder is screaming at you in a language only known as pain... A sudden thought surges in your mind. "Hell no! I haven’t come this far to just back down!" Marching to the front door, you pause to take a deep breath in, as your hand reaches for the doorknob... [[Forward, to victory!->end]] $f[[...Pee damn you, pee! ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 15)(set: $time to 1)Maybe it’s the overbearing taste of bacon tickling at the back of your throat, or maybe it’s the munchies whispering sweet promises, but you find yourself Stumbling out of your privatised cupboard with nothing but toast, egg and pig meat in mind. Never mind anything else, you have a mission, and that mission is food! Turning your attention to the kitchen, you now hone in on the cupboards and utensils, with plans of food preparation filling your head like a scene in a detective movie... A pretty low budget one. With the skill of a regular person with no training what-so-ever, you [fling the refrigerator door wide open.]<nametag1| (click-replace: ?nametag1)[fling the refrigerator door wide open. Upon inspecting the inside of the barren icebox, you are reminded of your crippling lack of "cash-money", as the kids say. All that remains in this frigid wasteland are two rashers of bacon, an egg and two slices of bread (One of which is the crust, the universally hated slice... That you might love. I hold no judgements here... But just know that universally, you are the hated slice!) You sizzle the bacon, prep the egg and butter up the bread using milky udder bars (Called that by me, and now by you) Boom, Breakfast is served! <img src=./img/Breakfast.png> ...And wafted down like there's no tomorrow. Lovely! Now that your hunger is sated, you burp a triumphant belch, before checking the time on the wall-clock. You have $time minutes left... There's no time left. now that you're organised and filled up on fuel, you are still In a dire need to tinkle and still practically nude... [[Stuff this, I'll get the job regardless!->end]] $f[[...I'm going back to bed, stuff this... ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 17)(set: $time to 1)With your bag now packed, you know full well that clothes are the next logical step forward (or, at least, should have been the first logical step, but let’s just say that you are always "One step ahead"...) Thankfully, you don’t need to move too far, as your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the sound of the washing machine behind you, beeping away at you like you give a damn... which you do! Imitating a penguin, you waddle toward the spinning box of bacteria-killing terror and turn it [off...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[off... <img src=./img/DW.png> Sifting through the suds, you pull your arm out with the might of Zeus, wielding a pretty swanky suit. Sadly, the only thing it would be good for in its current, soaked state, would be to literally imitate a penguin, what with its sleek soaked nature. Chucking it over the radiator and putting on blast, you quickly chuck on some more suitable undergarments, and arranging yourself nicely with a small bowtie that reminds you vividly of kids TV presenters from the 1980's... Which is why you immediately switch back over to a tie. checking the suit once again, it seems moderately dry to you... On the outside at least. However, as you check the time on your watch, you are painstakingly reminded of the time... You have $time minutes left... You twiddle around on the spot, as you try desperately to go to the bathroom to tinkle, but at the same time want to at least have a slice of toast or something! In a state of panic, you throw both the wayside, and approach the front of your house. With little to no time to think, your bag packed and your clothes clinging uncomfortably too you, the doorway outside becomes ever so daunting... ...Gulping, you decide your course of action! [[I got this!->end]] $f[[...I'm about to go to an interview in wet clothes... I think I’ll be going back to bed now! ->Lazy]] ]

(set: $playerValue to 16)(set: $time to 1)With your bag safely packed and clinging softly to your morsel like an anaconda made of wet rubber, you take a second to pick priorities. while you are packed, you begin to realise that nature may be taking its course, and that all the rummaging around must have triggered something deep within you... prime to explode... If you know what I mean... ...it’s a poop joke... You're welcome! waddling toward the laboratory like a scientist on a mission, you begin your wicked [work...]<-nameTag1|(click-replace: ?nametag1)[work... It's another poop joke. Please tell me I don’t have to narrate everything to you... Maybe you get it, but you want me to describe it... well no, you perv!] <img src=./img/Bog.png> With your "Experiment" coming up positive, your mind drifts as you stare at the [shower...]<-nameTag2|(click-replace: ?nametag2)[shower... Deciding its best not to arrive at an interview smelling like an overgrown kitty litter tray, you remove the bag and minimum amount of clothing from your body and clamber into the tub with the majesty of a Santa after one too many pies. You then switch it on, singing the tune of your favourite song in an octave that dogs can only describe as "***ANGRY BARKING NOISES***". Once you are done, you step out, dry off and take a quick little peek at the scales to see if you had lost any of that Christmas weight that you promised yourself oh-so confidently that you would [get rid of...]<-nameTag3|(click-replace: ?nametag3)[get rid of... Hahaha, nope.] Finally, you check the time on the small digital radio next to the sink. You have $time minute left... With no time left, you put your pants and shoes on, slinging the back onto your shoulder. Now that your bowels are pleasantly empty, you return to the stairs and stare at the doorway to the outside world, unprepared and unsure as to whether you want to take a step outside or not... ...I mean, you are hungry... and close to nude... ...It's your call, buckaroo! [[I may be hungry, and Nude, but damn I smell good!->end]] $f[[...You know what? I'm good. Let’s call it a day! ->Lazy]] ]

[You take a deep breath...]<-nameTag1| (click-replace: ?nameTag1)[ A deep breath in… Your mind steadily ebbs into the soft embrace of darkness. The gentle warmth of your skin pressed against sheets. The cool air rushing past the window, deafening your senses with the bask howls of the spirits you have yet to comprehend. The notions of the past, the present and the future, all of which mean nothing and everything to you at once… [… A deep breath out…]<-nameTag2| (click-replace: ?nameTag2)[But what if you were to lose yourself for a moment? Find the truth of yourself in something so dire, so delusional, so mythical, that you couldn’t come back to who you were before? Is this the true meaning of a dream? The true understanding of who you really are, deep inside? […Deep breath in…]<-nameTag3|] (click-replace: ?nameTag3)[Can something be so wrong, but, so right? Giving up on the future, just for a brief respite against the waking world? […Deep breath out…]<-nameTag4| ] (click-replace: ?nameTag4)[…Only time will tell, hey? [… breath in…]<-nameTag5|] (click-replace: ?nametag5)[…only…time will…tell […breath out…]<-nameTag6|] (click-replace: ?nametag6)[….only…. [….in….]<-nameTag7| ] (click-replace: ?nametag7)[... [….out….]<-nameTag8| ] (click-replace: ?nametag8)[ <img src=./img/ZZZ.png> [[My Breakfast routine **<- ....]] ] ]

[You scan over the document...]<-nameTag1| (if: $playerValue is 14)[(click-replace: ?nametag1)[Reading over the content of the clipboard, you pause to take it all in. Sadly, even with the effort you put in today, the company has decided to move the interviews for both yourself and any other potential employees until the next Monday… …needless to say, the drive home is a long one. Who really are you? How have you been this bad at getting a job? Why can’t you just pull your life together? All these questions become washed away, as you slam the sixth pint glass against the sticky oak table of your local pub. You don’t even remember entering the pub, but somehow you are here, drinking and munching down on bacon crisps. Gesturing for another pint, you stare down at your wallet. A few spare notes and a couple of coins are all that remain… As the next cold brew of hop-infused hiccups arrives, you ponder to yourself about your life once more. With fuzz now hazing your vision, you quickly begin to well up at the thought of failure, disappointment and your loss of childlike wonder in a world so harsh… Not that you’ll remember any of it in the morning, anyway… [[My Breakfast routine **<- ...]] <img src=./img/ZZZ.png> ]]

To cut a long story short, as one can imagine, law doesn’t tend to see the funny side of [public nudity…]<-tag1| (click-replace: ?tag1)[public nudity… [Sat in your cell, you sigh.]<-tag2|] (click-replace: ?tag2)[Sat in your cell, you sigh. <img src=./img/Cell.png> Not only have you missed the interview, but you had now been detained overnight. On the bright side, however, the cell you’re in has a toilet! [Huzzah!]<-tag3|] (click-replace: ?tag3)[Huzzah! …Oh, and while you won’t be receiving any criminal record for your actions, the officers at the station found your story particularly amusing. So much so that every now and then, when an officer passes your room, you watch as they stifle their laughter. Taking a bite out of a bacon and egg roll one of the police officers had given you, you lie on your back, staring up to the white ceiling of the cell block. [Steadily, you smile, as you laugh at yourself.]<-tag4|] (click-replace: ?tag4)[Steadily, you smile, as you laugh at yourself. [“What a day” you say…]<-tag5|] (click-replace: ?tag5)[… It’s just such a shame that you won't remember it in the [[My Breakfast routine **<- Morning...]] <img src=./img/ZZZ.png> ]

[It can't be...]<-tag1| (click-replace: ?tag1)[It can't be... Your place on the job, the one you wanted, its… A wry chuckle breaks your focus. Shifting your gaze, your eyes focus on the source; A tall, muscular man, chiselled in such a manner that no human should [look the way he does…]<-tag2|] (click-replace: ?tag2)[look the way he does… You are taken aback, as the man thrusts his manhood in your general direction. [“…Have you even had a job yet?”]<-tag3|] (click-replace: ?tag3)[“…Have you even had a job yet?” Your brief pause only expands the smirk on his face. “…I thought not. So now, [this job can’t be your first…”]<-tag4|] (click-replace: ?tag4)[this job can’t be your first…” [“…FOR IT IS NOW TAKEN BY ME, DILLAN!”]<-tag5|] (click-replace: ?tag5)[“…FOR IT IS NOW TAKEN BY ME, DILLAN!” Raising a thumb toward himself like a gorilla on steroids, the white gleam from his teeth blinds you just enough to numb the pain of the burn in your soul… Heartbroken, you leave the office and head back toward the dinner. There, you indulge on plenty of breakfast food, until you eventually pass out from a [food-induced hibernation…]<-tag6|] (click-replace: ?tag6)[food-induced hibernation… [[My Breakfast routine **<- …sleep tight, little princess. Tomorrow is another day…]] <img src=./img/ZZZ.png> ]

[[My Breakfast routine **<- ...P..please dont let this be just a dream...]] <img src=./img/ZZZ.png>