It’s 4:15am and cowboys are everywhere. Each of them is wearing chaps, and one notices that you aren’t.
“Where’s yer chaps?” says the one who’s been making all the funniest jokes. “Yain’t got none?”
The blood in your neck runs cold and you [[fart quietly.->passage2]]
It doesn’t seem like anyone heard the fart. They’re more interested in whatever explanation you might have for the question about the chaps.
*That’s right.* You remember. *I'm in that stupid cowboy world. They’re not used to just regular pants.*
You smile coyly, saying, [["What?"->passage3]]
“I said yain’t got no chaps!” All of the cowboys are laughing at you. “Yain’t got no *ears* neither?”
One of the more pathetic-looking cowboys chimes in. “Maybe he’s got ‘em stuffed in ‘is ears, and that’s why he can’t hear nothin’!” He’s smiling and looking around at all the other cowboys, but they give him nothing in response.
The first cowboy’s voice grows sinister and he says, “Maybe he’s just a *freak*.”
[[Maybe he’s right.->passage4]]
You begin to stammer, “I tried to get a pair earlier, but you guys must have bought them all.” It doesn’t sound believable. “Super weird, right? I know.”
All the cowboys groan at the weakness of your response. Some laugh incredulously while others shrug shoulders or point fingers, squinty-eyed and purse-lipped. One has taken his hat completely off and is using it as a fan.
“Chaps ain’t the half! “ Bellows the main cowboy. “Yain’t got no hat, yain’t got no boots, yain’t got no horse... and yain’t got no *gun.*”
You close your eyes and fart a bit louder this time, but the sound is muffled by the cold metal click of each cowboy's revolver [[preparing to fire.->passage5]]
At once, the street lamps go dim and men begin to cry out. Shots are fired but you remain untouched. It’s not too dark to see as the first of five cowboys is launched into the air and ripped in two. The sound is liquid and balloons scraping as bodies burst and chaps rain down around you.
“Night spirit!” screams the main cowboy as his horse nervously back-pedals into an arrangement of barrels and loses its footing. The animal's back legs spin as it twists to the ground and crushes the main cowboy beneath its massive frame. His gun squirts out from beneath the horse and lands on the ground at your feet.
[[You pick it up and run.->passage6]]
*I feel like that didn't go super well.* The gun is heavy in your hand. All of the guns in Cowboy World are like this--much heavier than necessary and totally incapable of carrying a decent number of bullets. The lamest of tech.
You stop near a cactus field about 100 yards away and notice the men behind you have stopped screaming.
It's the horses' turn.
“What do you think it is?” asks [[a voice behind you.->passage7]]
It’s that pathetic cowboy from before--the one who made the joke about you stuffing chaps into your ears. He’s crying now and rocks while he says, “The Night Spirit. Been like this near a week now. I know a guy says all ‘is chickens, cows, even 'is warthogs got torn to ribbons last night. His daughter found the goat’s head in the woodstove, just starin’ at her… Musta fallen in through the stovepipe, beard 'n all."
He spits and chokes a bit as you notice the blood begin to pool at the sides of his mouth. His eyes look down toward a sharp wooden stake that you both seem to have just noticed is there and penetrating his body by six or so inches. Probably a piece of the fence those cowboys had you backed up against before they all got ripped in half.
He looks back up at you and says, [["It's either the devil or Lord Christ Himself."->passage8]]
The horses, by now, have stopped their screaming and the dark figure that killed everything is bounding toward you on four legs. The pathetic cowboy howls, trying to pry the wood from his side like it’s going to make a difference. It splinters and cracks as you point the revolver square at the beast and pull back the hammer to fire.
“It isn’t either of those things,” you say, squinting to focus on the space between where its eyes should be. “It’s my [[dad.->passage9]]”
**BEFORE**
“I think I figured out a way to do it.” Your dad hands over the piece of paper he’s been scribbling on. It’s covered in formulas. Some of them are circled, others are crossed out. There’s another piece of paper on the desk behind him that he hasn’t handed to you, but he seems to have been working on it just as long. It’s a drawing of a dark shape with claws. “You just need to separate the bad thoughts from the good ones. And to do that, you need to quantify good and bad. Then it’s just a matter of concentrating the bad into it’s own new thing, and giving it a name.”
You look up from the paper and smile, asking, [[“Can it be John?”->passage10]]
Your little brother snaps from across the room, "We're *not* calling it John!" He leaps from his chair and comes after you, giggling, "Why don't we just name it *you* instead!"
He seems to have farted as soon as he got over here. "Come on, John!" you say, shaking your head in disgust.
Dad can't believe it either and keeps him at an arm's length, saying, "But his body is so small!"
"We'll call it *The Fart Machiner!*" John yells, spinning around and making rapid fart noises with his mouth.
"It doesn't matter what we call it," Dad says. "Not unless I can get it to work. But if it works..." His voice trails off as he looks at the picture of Mom above the piano. "If it works, we'll get her back. [[I promise."->passage11]]
**NOW**
The revolver has a kickback that you didn't expect, knocking the gun out of your hand onto the ground at your feet. The earth shakes as the beast falls--a clear indication the shot has landed. The pathetic cowboy behind you isn't struggling with the piece of wood any more. He's either dead or passed out from the pain. Or maybe he passed out from the pain and died shortly after.
You rip the wood from his side and strip the belt from his pants, then lodge the piece of wood vertically inside the beast's mouth to lock it open. You place it's hands behind its head and hold everything in place tight with the belt.
Sighing heavily, [[you pull the communicator from your waist to locate the nearest terminal.->passage12]]
You don't have a lot of options in Cowboy World. There's a medicine lady three or so miles from here, and that's pretty much it unless you want to start exploring caves in the dark.
The beast is already breathing again. You watch as its chest slowly rises and falls, the blood in the bullet hole between its eyes beginning to thicken and scab.
"Alright, Dad," you say, stripping the rest of the pathetic cowboy's clothes off and using them to tie the beast against a cactus. It's probably not going to hold him until you get back, but there isn't much choice. You only have two bullets left, and cowboy world is the real deal.
You wave your hand in front of its face to confirm it's still out cold before deciding to [[head east toward the terminal.->passage13]]
**BEFORE**
Dad's basement lab has always been weird. It's dark and moist and there are tubes of everything. He has like ten computers.
Lately it's been weirder. You don't know any of the science people he has over anymore, and they don't let you watch their experiments. You sit by the vent upstairs and listen while they talk about your mom. The way she is now.
"The darkness just built up." It's your dad. "It started in the stomach, made its way to the chest, and new brain scans show that all grey matter has been replaced by pulsing, black cartilage."
Another voice adds, "We know this. But what have we learned?"
Your dad responds, saying "We found out, this morning, that it's making a sound. [[It can talk."->passage14]]
"Is it Mom?" John's behind you. He heard them too. "Is Mom talking again?"
"I don't know," you say. "They don't talk about her like she's Mom anymore. They sound like they're afraid."
John sits on your lap. "Are you afraid?"
[[You just look at the vent.->passage15]]
**NOW**
You've never personally dealt with the medicine lady at this terminal before, but she's got 4.5 stars on *terminALL*. It seems like she'd have the full 5 if another Traveler weren't holding a fifth star ransom over the location's proximity to water. You want to respond to the review and say, "It's a desert!" but that option won't be exposed to you until you upgrade to *terminALL* Premium. For now, you're just a lurker.
*I need to change these clothes,* you think. *I need to find some chaps.* It's common knowledge that the people in Cowboy World don't take kindly to strangers, and your future clothes are as strange as they come.
You see a body hanging from a tree and decide to [[investigate.->passage16]]
There aren't any chaps on this body. It casts a shadow that moves back and forth on the ground in front of you creating a cooling shade. You think it's a man.
You resist the urge to ask how it's hanging just a few minutes before giving in. "How's it hanging?" you ask. The wind blows soft and the rope creaks in response.
[[You notice a thick leather bag at the base of the tree.->passage17]]
The bag contains 10 knives, a human hand, revolver ammunition, and lavender body lotion.
*Lavender body lotion?*
You feel the palm of the severed hand. It's greasy.
Suddenly, the sound of a low rolling fart growls from the bowels of the dead man swinging above.
Its voice whispers, [["Need a hand?"->passage18]]
Fart smell grinds your nostrils and the man begins to untie the noose around his neck, climbing down from the branch above saying, "Never know when it might come in handy." Your eyes water and there's a throbbing in your skull. "Hand it to me, will you?"
You toss the hand and he plucks it from the air with the kind of speed one just doesn't see in men who've been killed. He looks impatient and says, "The lotion, too."
As he rubs the lotion into the hand, he says, "Trying to keep this thing soft, ya know? I put the lotion on here when I wake up and leave it in the bag all day to steam." He walks over and puts the hand into the bag before strapping it across his shoulder. "Then I'll check on it now and then throughout the day to make sure it doesn't melt and all the bones are still inside." He pats the bag a few times.
"Hi, I'm Cliff," he says, extending his own hand. "I'm a [[sand bobbidy."->passage19]]
"Do you know what that is?" he asks. The sand at his feet twirls calmly and rises in little tornadoes that lick at his ankles, leaving them lightly scarred. "Did you know there aren't any more?"
"You're a ghost," you say.
Cliff scoffs and says, "Ghost *made flesh*." His voice is deep--deeper than you'd imagine for somebody so short. "And you caught me in the middle of a nap." Sand falls out of his sleeves as he stretches his arms.
He peers off in the direction you came from and laughs, saying "What's up with that naked guy? Did *you* make that?" He looks over at you again, still smiling, saying "Were you going to do that to *me?*"
[[A beep from your communicator interrupts the scene.->passage20]]
"I did it because I had to," you tell Cliff as you unclip the beeping device from your belt. "It's not a thing I normally do."
You've got a notification from *terminALL* that says the medicine lady's signal just went out. It's not really anything concerning at the moment. The terminal's probably super old, or maybe it's just refreshing itself.
Another beep and the signal's back.
Cliff's standing a lot closer to you now, asking "Whatcha got? Little box? Where's yer chaps?"
Ignoring him, you ask [["Do you know where the medicine lady lives?"->passage21]]
**BEFORE**
"You're not a doctor, Michael." Aunt Georgine's voice is playing on the answering machine. "She's my sister. We want to know how she's doing. We want to see the boys."
In the background, Uncle Steve farts and laughs saying, "Whoa!" He claps. The dog starts barking and [[the message ends.->passage22]]
**NOW**
By the time you get to the terminal, the signal's dropped in and out enough times to make you wonder if it's your communicator that's the issue.
The medicine lady's hut is shaped like a cauldron and purple smoke billows from the top. There are a lot of yellow pumpkins here. Tiny skulls the size of green tomatoes twist gently on the cacti needles from which they hang. "You're not gunna like this woman," Cliff says.
"I don't have to like her," you say. "I just need to use her phone."
Cliff starts to laugh again, "Ya know? I never knew about phones. Didn't have 'em when I was alive. Still didn't when I was a ghost, and *still don't* now that I'm a Bobbidy! Only people knows about 'em are you future types and a select few in the weirdo class of my contemporaries. It's like a screambox, right? [[Ya just scream into the box?"->passage23]]
"Actually," he continues, "Screambox is somethin' we *do* already got. And it ain't good."
You roll your eyes and make a mental note of the amount of time that's passed since you left Dad tied to that cactus with the dead man's clothes. You can't have more than an hour left before he's awake and killing again.
Cliff's still talking. "You put somebody into the scream box, we used to call that *scream-boxin'*. Listen, it *ain't* what you want.
[[An old face appears in the hut window, screaming.->passage24]]
"Clifford Jeremy Legend, you gotta lotta nerve comin' back here! You Sand-Bobbidy-son-of-a--"
"Berna!" he waves. Hello!"
"Shutup with that talk!" The medicine lady is outside now and hovers across the grass on her broom toward Cliff. An onion appears in her open hand and she whips it at him, flying. She opens her hand again and a new onion takes it place. "You're gettin' onion-whipped once and for all!"
Cliff laughs jovially as his body turns to sand everywhere an onion hits it. "Berna, come on! You're gunna give me bad breath!"
"I'll give you worse 'an that before I'm through! I ain't heard from you in weeks." She gets off her broom and hits him in the knee with it before looking at you. "Who's the space boy? Ya gotta little Bobbidy boyfriend now? You *creep*. You can have it!" [[This time she hits *your* knee instead.->passage25]]
You catch the broom before it hits you. "I need to use your terminal, ma'am. My father is sick."
She gets back on her broom and flies up high enough to look you in the eye. "Sick? Your old man's a killin' machine!"
*What? How could she know?*
The medicine lady continues, "He's Walkin' Darkness! Never seen that much bad in a man, kid, and he *ain't usin' my terminal*, so get a grip and *get lost.*" She farts and takes off toward the hut again. "And I seen what you did to that naked guy, too. You can just *forget it* with me."
"That isn't a thing I normally do!" You're pleading now, but it doesn't seem to help.
Cliff puts a hand on your shoulder, saying, [["I said you wouldn't like that woman."->passage26]]
**BEFORE**
"She doesn't talk with her mouth anymore," your dad says, "but she can do it with her thoughts." He picks up John's hand and touches it to Mom's head. "And since we know that's where she went, we know where to go to get her out."
You're all in the basement standing around the table she's been lying on for weeks. The wires that dangle from her ears are connected to a printer and words are coming out, but Dad won't let you read them.
"No," he says. "You can't read it yet."
"But it's Mommy," John says. His hand his still on her head.
"It is," Dad says, "But she's not always nice. [[She's not the only one in there."->passage27]]
**NOW**
"Stupid Cowboy World!" You pick up another pumpkin and throw it at the medicine lady's hut. So far, that makes ten. She appears in the window and sticks out her tongue. She's pointing and looking right at you. There's no doubt the tongue is yours.
Cliff sits on a rock and starts to carve a face into one of the magic onions Berna had thrown at him. "That's just how she is, ya know? She's alright."
"So," you ask. "You think she'll come around?"
"Well, no, she's definitely not going to help you." Cliff laughs. "You should just give it up, ya know? Dad sounds like a jerk anyway. Plus, he's probably all over that naked guy by now."
You glare at him unamused.
"Oh," Cliff says, "No, sorry. I mean *killing* him. You can feel it can't you? [[He's awake."->28]]
**BEFORE**
"It's like a vacuum," you tell John. "Dad says the darkness builds up until it's super thick and strong and you can't break it up. So," You make a slurping noise with your mouth, "We just gotta suck it out whole."
John looks like he feels a little sick. "Is it gunna rip out her skin?"
"In a way," Dad says, "but I don't think it will hurt. After all, we know your mother wants it out. It probably wants to leave."
John looks up and asks, [["What if some gets left behind?"->passage29]]
Dad smiles and lets out a fart so big that his whole body tips forward a little bit, saying "That's what all the math was for, bud. If I'm right about where it comes from, we can find anything that might go dark and rip it out before it happens." He looks down. "But I'm just not sure I've figured out what that means quite yet. That's why I've got to try it out first."
You and Dad had already talked about this the night before--the formula, how it works, what to do if he stops breathing, that picture of the shape with the claws--but it's all news to John.
He doesn't understand, saying, "But you're OK."
"That's right," dad says. [["This is to see if I *stay* OK."->passage30]]
**NOW**
Your legs move faster than you thought they could and your heart feels like it's going to explode.
*He's awake.*
Cliff hovers effortlessly across the ground with you, "Gunna be a bad scene, dude. *Don't wake daaaaaddyyyyyy!* How'd he get like that anyway? You one of those guys too?"
"Shut up, Cliff! Can't you pick me up or something? Fly us there?"
"Ha!" he laughs, [["No way, skinboy!"->passage31]]
**BEFORE**
"Get upstairs!" Dad's screaming in the basement lab where he's just taken the formula designed to rip out the darkness destroying mom's body. "It didn't work!" He screams, and the sound of breaking glass. "It didn't work!"
You grab John's hand and run for the stairs, but they fall out from under you. Dad is bigger now, huge, and he looks like a spikey rubber werewolf with a person's nose and long, sharp claws. He's trying to talk but it's just growling and gagging until his eyes turn red, and then it's just growling forever.
[[He's closer to John than he is to you.->passage32]]
John screams as the dad-beast rips through his tiny frame like a hard-boiled egg, sending his lower body farting across the room and into the wall with a hard smack.
*I didn't do it,* you think. *I didn't hide John.*
Dad looks different again. He's got fins but they work like wings and he takes off crashing through the ceiling into the attic World Portal above.
Clutching your communicator, you go in after him.
The sound of neighing horses.
*Of course,* you think. [[*Cowboy World.*->passage33]]
**NOW**
The cactus you used to tie up dad is just a bloody stump now. The pathetic cowboy is gone. The piece of wood you used to lock dad's jaws open is bloody on the ground. It looks like he got out of it by biting down and letting it shoot out through the top of his head before cracking it in half.
*Is he even still in there?* You fart. *Is he just all dark?*
Cliff says, "Naked dude is gone for sure. [[So how you gunna kill your dad?"->passage34]]
**BEFORE**
Without taking the time to coordinate with a terminal before world-hopping, you just crash into the middle of a field. Judging by the impact hole and trail of shredded Buffalo leading toward the forest, the same thing must have happened to the dad-beast.
*OK.*
You breathe.
*Dad knew this might happen and that, if it did, he'd be nearly invincible. *
"Aim for the head," you remember he told you. [["Aim for the head and don't stop shooting."->passage35]]
**NOW**
"I'm not going to kill him," you say. "And I'm *going* to use Berna's phone." Cliff let's out an unimpressed *chyeah!* and you say, "I know how to fix this. We set up a way."
"Oh! You got a way!" Cliff is looking around like there are a million people watching but you're actually alone. "We got a way over here!" He leans in and spits just enough sand in your eye to make you uncomfortable. "This way any different than the way you took to *get here?* Nobody comes to Cowboy World! So you're either chasin' that monkey down cuz he gave ya the slip, or you're tryin'a lose 'em out here. And it don't seem like number two."
"He's not a monkey," you say, using your eyes to trace the bloody path back to town where dad ripped all those horses and cowboys to pieces earlier that morning. [["It's more like a wolf."->passage36]]
**BEFORE**
It's been two days since you last spotted the dad-beast, or even any sign of him. Last time it was in a narrow ravine where he'd killed one, maybe two-hundred wolves and stacked their bones separate form their pelts. He put a few of their skulls into trees.
You found him there sleeping on top of the pile of bones. He slept deep and didn't hear you crawling, the bones cracking beneath your feet.
You took a sharp rock and drove it hard his into skull, screaming and farting with all the might of your soul.
[[You cowered as he howled and wrapped his claws around your neck.->passage37]]
As quick as they'd risen, the dad-beast's claws dropped lifeless to the ground at your sides. A ten-pound-porterhouse of a fart that seemed to begin in his chest and gurgle squealing all the way down through his stomach and bowels before exploding into the realm of living shook his body with such force that he whip-cracked from the waist down. A long black tongued lolled from his maw.
An hour later while you were off digging a hole to bury him, he disappeared without a trace.
48 hours of nothing since then.
A blip on your radar suggests people nearby, and you hear screaming. [[Your blood curdles as you take off toward the sound.->passage38]]
It's a man screaming, and a little girl. Cows, chickens, and warthogs are in pieces, strewn wildly across the property. There's a dead goat too, but the head is nowhere.
*Dad.*
Your communicator beeps and you notice the signal is stronger. There's a town nearby in the direction dad seems to be going. And there are *a lot* of people there.
[[You head toward town without a second thought.->passage39]]
**NOW**
*Well, here we are again,* you think. Bits of dead horse and cowboy are all around you now. Not far, dad's back is turned as he rips the shoes off every horse in the pile before him and gnaws at them like licorice. You pull the hammer back on the revolver and put a slug in the back of his neck.
Cliff can't believe it, and he nervously inspects the greased hand in his bag. "Hey!" he says, "You took my ammo!"
*Shutup, Cliff.* You let another shot loose into the dad-beast, this time in the left shoulder. Now a third in the back of his leg.
That got his attention. "What's up, Dad?" You spin the cylinder hard and, in a single motion, you're back at full ammo. You're really good at this.
[[Cliff tries on a few dead cowboys' chaps and asks when you got so good at this.->passage40]]
"I don't know," you say. "When in Rome, I guess."
Not more than ten paces away, the dad-beast stares into you, growling and pawing.
"Never been to Rome World," Cliff says. "Like I said. Just a sand bobbidy."
"And a good-for-nothin stupid one at that," says a voice from above as an onion sails through the wind toward his feet. "Now dance, dummy! [[Make it a hot one!"->passage41]]
"What you want, here, Berna?" Cliff laughs as he tosses the onion back up at the medicine lady's broom. She plucks it from the air and fires it right back.
"I heard the kid," she says. "He ain't gunna leave me alone with this!" She lowers her broom down next to your head, "So let's do this, space boy, I ain't got all day. I suppose we ain't killin' 'em, right?"
"Right."
"Yeah, sure," she's being rude and she isn't trying to hide it. "He's just a giant evil wolf creature that killed like everybody who lives here. Maybe we can get him in the papers, too!"
"It's darkness," you say to her. "He tried to pull it out of himself, call it what it was, but it just... It was an experiment. He's gotta be in there."
"It's darkness, sure," she says, "But it ain't what you think. [[It's immature."->passage42]]
"He forced it out, and now it don't wanna let go," she says. That's kind of the way it works."
"So what do we do?" you ask. "Can we take him alive?"
"Oh boy!" Cliff says laughing. The dad-beast is pacing now. A horse leg dangles from its mouth. It's smiling. "I think I know where this is going." He makes a mushroom cloud motion with his hands and sand shoots out appropriately to accent the gesture.
Berna smiles and points at her bottom. "That's right, everybody! We're gunna make it *fart* 'em out!"
*We're going to--*"What?!"
"Just aim for the head, space boy, and think about lots a' beans!" The medicine lady takes a deep breath and shoots a steady stream of light that farts through the tip of the broom between her legs and right into the space between the dad-beast's eyes. "[[Out in the sand, we call this *fart magic*! Or at least, I do!"->passage44]]
**NOW**
When the fart magic settles, dad lays naked five or more feet from the wolf-shaped pile of immature darkness. Behind you, Berna is walking away.
"But you can't leave!" you plead with her. "We can use the terminal now! I need to get him home!"
She yells without looking back, "Yeah, fine, but I'm walkin'. Broom's nothin' doin'. Musta juiced the thing on the fart spell. Just show up when you're ready, I don't care. Terminal's probably broken anyway."
"I can fix it!" you shout. "Or my dad can fix it!"
"Don't care," she says. "Whatever," and puts a hand up to wave without turning around.
"Unghhhh..." It's your dad. [[He's moving.->passage45]]
**BEFORE**
"Who can fart the biggest?" Mom asks. "Can Johnny fart the biggest?" John's on her lap and she's tickling him with both hands.
"Yeah I can fart the biggest! I can fart bigger than the world!" He tries hard to prove it, but his face turns red as he lets out a modest squeak. "It cracked my back a little I think."
"I can fart *really* big!" you say, dropping down into a crab walk. You put your right leg so high up into the air that your toes touch Mom's forehead and you throw your head back to fart them both into next Tuesday when suddenly--
*PPPFFFFBBRRRRRAAAAOOOWWWWW*
Dad stands at the door smiling, plugging his nose and fanning the area near his butt. "Daddy farts the biggest," says John.
Mom laughs and says, [["It's true."->passage43]]
You run to his side, screaming, "Dad! Dad, it didn't work, Dad! It's not gunna work."
Dad opens his eyes, asking, "Is this... are we in..."
"Cowboy World!" says Cliff. "Land of the endless cowboy! Well, at least til you got here. Now we got like six of 'em I think. Depends. You been southwest at all? Like, past the lizard-bone graveyard? Doesn't matter, those guys are weak anyhow." He points at the melty wolf-beast. "This the thing? Darkness wolf?"
Dad's sitting up now and slowly looks around him. "...Darkness wolf? Oh... oh my god..." He's crying now, "Oh my god... John..."
*He remembers.*
"I remember, son. I remember what I did to John. Oh my god, I killed Johnny."
[["Whaddaya think, guys?" asks Cliff from behind.->passage46]]
Dad is as a man possessed.
"Take it off!" he screams. "Take it off you idiot! It's not a little play suit!"
"Gimme a break, old man! I look great!" Cliff throws back his head and howls through laughter. "I mean, I guess I do. I'm a bad, bad wolf! Ya got a mirror or somethin'?"
"I said take it off *now*!" Before you can react, dad's up and lunging at the laughing sand bobbidy, ripping him from the disfigured and rubbery pile of wolfmeat.
In a flash, Dad slips in the scuffle and the darkness springs to life. It seems to cough Cliff into the air as a pale, gritty cloud. You watch in helpless horror as Dad falls once again, screaming and farting and clawing for your blood.
**THE END**