####(align:"=><=")[(1/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
The phone beeps to indicate a new email has arrived. I turn it on and notice the subject line: "Train Jam Diversity Initiative".
I am afraid to unlock my phone.
I knew it would come one day and I just need to open it.
But I don't want to get disappointed with another rejection.
**You**
---
[[(1a) I understand your feelings, but it could be an acceptance for a change.->gameDev]]
(link: "(2) As usual, you will be rejected. So skip that shit and open the email.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "Acceptance")]
####(align:"=><=")[(1b/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I've submitted a lot of my games to tons of events with no acceptance. I participated in tons of jams with no recognition from the public or the press. It has been like this for more than 10 years. Meanwhile, other developers that started around the same time as me and even way after me are more known and more successful.
Don't get me wrong, I am not jealous of them at all. I love these developers. They are like my family to me. I love their games and I always suggest them to other people. The problem is sometimes when my mind is gloomy and dark. I start comparing my career to them. It drives my mind to dark places making me feel that I should give up and I am not worthy.
**You**
---
[[(2) Poor baby, I get that. Don't worry, I am here for you. Let's open that email together.->Acceptance]]
[[(2) Blah! This happens to anyone in any field. Don't try to be a victim because everyone is a victim in the game dev world. Just get going and open the email to get this conversation over.->Acceptance]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(2/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
One second, let me open the email.
...
"Congratulations, you have been selected to receive assistance through our diversity initiatives for Train Jam 2017!"
WHAAAAAAT???? I can't believe it, How could this happen? I am extremely happy. For the first time in my game development career, something finally good is happening.
**You**
---
[[(2a) Yaaaay! Good for you. But why you are saying for the first time. I heard that you had a game featured on the front page of the appstore couple of years ago.->AppStore]]
(link: "(3) That's bullshit, you know that you don't deserve it. There must be some other person who deserve it more than you. But whatever. I guess you will try to fit in and have a good trip.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "MeIsEnemy")]
####(align:"=><=")[(1a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
There is a high chance it will be a rejection and I am too old for this stuff.
I am a 27 year old game developer/designer. I have been creating games for more than 10 years. I've created games for Desktop, Web, and phones. I've created both paid and free games.
I've never sold alot of copies.
None of my games ever become famous.
**You**
---
[[(1b) Sorry, everyone knows game development is hard, but you should stay positive.->Rejections]]
(link: "(2) Yeah, Yeah, your heart breaking game dev failure story. Let's get this over with that email rejection.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "Acceptance")]
####(align:"=><=")[(3/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
No, if I were you, I wouldn't be 100% sure about that. I am my own worst enemy. My brain usually ruins everything. I don't talk too much, so my only way to feel connected with people is by doing or saying something silly that no one expects. The problem is when I am in a room full with strangers. I don't do my usual silly stuff, so I don't mingle. From that point, my brain extrapolates hidden meaning behind being alone during the event. It usually causes depression, and then it's down hill from there.
**You**
---
[[(3a) Yeah, depression is tricky to deal with - but why don't you do the silly stuff anyway?->BrainFailure]]
(link: "(4) I knew it! You're gonna fuck it up as usual. I'll be back to watch your mental trainwreck during Train Jam.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "PreTrain")]
####(align:"=><=")[(3a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
In a room full of strangers, it's hard to do or say anything silly because people might take it the wrong way. I usually don't think much before I talk. I love to talk directly without any barriers - with whatever silly stuff come to my mind. I've realized that talking without thinking doesn't work in English because of the language barrier and the misinterpretation of what I could be saying. I've had some problems with some of my friends outside of my home country when I first arrived to the US because of that. And these are people that I consider friends - who know me well - so I am sure it could get worse with strangers.
**You**
---
[[(3b) I know its a little hard, but you could just spend few seconds to think and then talk.->ThinkBefore]]
(link: "(4) I called it - a loser that won't talk to people on the train doesn't deserve to be on it! Then you will end up working alone.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "PreTrain")]
####(align:"=><=")[(4/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Welcome back. I've arrived at Chicago a while ago. I rested, took a shower, changed my clothes, and now I'm walking into the Pre-Train Jam mingle party.
And don't worry, I have been preparing for this moment. I've been going to therapists and CBT anxiety classes since I arrived to USA. I am ready for this. But to make sure nothing will go wrong, I will take an anti-anxiety pill before entering.
"Hello, I am here for the party." ... "Yes, it starts with a K" ... "Thanks" ... "I think I am gonna do that." ... "Thank you so much"
They just told me that I could customize my badge to include my abilities so it'll help with mingling and forming teams for Train Jam. I gonna do that and I'll talk to you later.
**You**
---
[[(4a) Seems like everything is going well. Good for you! I am happy that you are coming prepared by going to therapists and CBT anxiety classes.->AndyClass]]
(link: "(5) The night is still long. I am sure people won't talk to you. You are imposter among /actual/ game designers. You don't have anything to say to these great people attending. Anyway, go have some drinks and I'll check on you later to come laugh a little later on.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "MingleParty")]
####(align:"=><=")[(3b/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
That's exactly what I do! It tends to make me not to talk that much. Whenever I think about what should I say next, my mind goes blank and there's nothing to say. So I just smile and nod to acknowledge that I am not bored and listening. I usually try to join in circles that have more than one person - that way, I don't have to contribute anything.
**You**
---
[[(3c) This might be true with people who share a very small common interest, but you are going to Train Jam! Everyone is interested in games! I am sure you can rant a lot about games you are playing, you are developing, or whaterver you are currently researching.->GamesPeople]]
(link: "(4) Smart move to hide that you don't fit with people. It can work with your friends, but it won't work on Train Jam. People don't know you, so not talking will make them not remember you.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "PreTrain")]
####(align:"=><=")[(3c/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I know I should have more stuff to say and talk about but I don't know why nothing come to my head. It just become blank!
Maybe it is because of the way I was raised to not respond to authority...
Maybe it is from my experience of hiding my desires and needs - it doesn't fit usually with the norm of my home country...
Maybe it is from the language barrier...
Maybe it is from my past experiences in my first English-speaking gaming event and how my previous idol treated me badly...
Or may be it is a combination of all the above.
But I end up not speaking much and other people don't want to be around a shy, normal person like me.
Don't worry - I'm not holding a grudge against my family, my country, or my previous idol. I understand my family just wanted the best for me. My country needs awarness campagin to accept what is different from the norm. My previous idol was new to being famous and just didn't know how to handle it well. It took him a few years to find a good way to handle that fame and use it for good.
**You**
---
[[(4) Sorry to hear that. Let's get going to the Train Jam.->PreTrain]]
[[(4) So what? Everyone is fucked up some way or another and they end up not being losers who take a spot they don't deserve. Let's get going to Train Jam.->PreTrain]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(4a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Yeah, I am glad that I did that too. It all happened when I started school at NYU, I audited a research class where students have to read some paper and comment on it. I ended up not having anything to say about the paper except it was a nice reading. There were only a few papers where something didn't make sense or was unclear. But mostly nothing. Meanwhile everyone else in class had an opinion on how to improve the paper and what was missing.
This made me feel that I am an Imposter.
"Why am I here?"
"Why am I attending the class?"
"I don't fit in."
I am afraid that people will know that I don't belong. I know that part of the reason I wasn't speaking much at that time was because of the language barrier. But even in Arabic, I couldn't find anything to say about these papers. When this happened more than once (for four times), I started having anxiety every time I came to class. One day, after the class I was having trouble breathing. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I called the school hotline and they told me it was a panic attack. After that I started attending therapy and anxiety classes.
**You**
---
[[(5) I think that was a useful step! I am sure this will help you a lot during Train Jam, and this will be a story with a happy ending.->MingleParty]]
[[(5) Whatever. It doesn't make you any less of an Imposter during Train Jam.->MingleParty]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(6/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
"You're late! I was afraid you'd miss the train!"
I'm feeling positive! I bagged my bags last night, and I'm ready to board the train. I walked along a nice area towards Chigaco train station where I'm gonna meet everyone going to Train Jam.
I said hey to some of the people I met the last night, but I was mostly quiet to hear the announcements about the train jam. We're waiting now for the organizer to reveal the theme - so can you be quiet for a little bit?
"Unexpected Anticipation"
WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT????? I don't mind the theme but it is a little hard to find any ideas for that.
**You**
---
[[(6a) You don't have to contribute an idea. Maybe join another team! You\'re still gonna have a fun time on the train.->MyIdea]]
(link: "(7) You've never had a good idea for a jam anyway - even other themes. Just join a big team so no one notice you.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "GroupIdeas")]
####(align:"=><=")[(9/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Uuuugh...
It was same scenario happened over and over again. None of the teams want coders any more, and the ones that do want coders that are proficient with a certain game engine that I don't use that much.
**You**
---
[[(9a) It's okay! You always manage to work by yourself! Besides, you said you didn't like most of the ideas.->SoloJamming]]
(link: "(10) Just don't fuck it up more than that. You clearly don't fit in with them. Let's try to get over with that. Go like a baby and cry to the organizer for help, you wimp.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "Adriene")]
####(align:"=><=")[(9a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I usually go solo in every game jam that I've ever attended. But this time I really wanted to work with a group. Isn't that the main reason for jamming? To get to know more people and bond over work?
I also was secretly wishing to work with a group with a good 2D artist so we could get closer over the jam. Then sometime in the future we could work on a shared project as collaborators. I can't afford to hire artists since I'm a PhD student and my salary isn't that big to hire people.
**You**
---
[[(9b) Why don't you try to showcase your uniqueness? Maybe some of the people get interested in that.->BeUnique]]
(link: "(10) Fuck it - I told you just go to the organizers they offered to help.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "Adriene")]
####(align:"=><=")[(10/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
So, I just went to the organizer with a smile and having my colorful badge on me. I asked them if there is anyone that's reported that they are looking for team members.
They said that they didn't know, which made me feel isolated and weird about asking them. But they were very nice and positive and said that they were going to find a good fit for me. They asked me about my tools of trade so they can find people using the same tools.
So now I'm waiting here. I'm regretting that decision. I could have worked by myself as usual and not feel so imposed on a team because the organizer asked. I feel like I don;t fit with anyone on the train. I use different tools, I'm not good with design terms, and I lose focus easily when people talks in abstractions without being concrete.
I don't think I deserved that grant money to be on this train.
**You**
---
[[(10a) Don't say that! You are an incredible designer and developer with lots of games! You are a PhD student, how many people are able to do that? Everyone you know is super proud of you!->MonkeyEyes]]
(link: "(11) Here we go again - the fucked up thoughts that will lead to fucking up your train jam - that you didn't deserve in the first place.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "Jamming")]
####(align:"=><=")[(9b/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Unfortunately, I did that and it didn't work. While I was asking around, I found some people that have big colorful signs that showcased their skills. I mimicked them and made a colorful badge with some multicolored markers that were around.
It has a list of my unique knowledge: AI programmer, Machine Learning, Genetic Algorithms, Game Playing, Procedural Stuff, etc. It looks really nice! It didn't work so far but at least it could attract some attention while they are walking by and ask for more details.
Oooh, someone is coming.
"Thanks"
...
"Yeah, I do a PhD in AI in Games"
...
"Do you need any of these skills on your team?"
...
"Thanks, don't worry, I am sure I will find a team"
Uuuh, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel well right now. I feel down. I feel like I don't fit with anyone at all and it is all a mistake.
**You**
---
[[(10) Sorry about that. Go to the organizers. They've already offered to help. I will talk to you after you are done.->Adriene]]
[[(10) You don't fit in. That's why no one is interested. For the thousandth time - just ask the organizers for help and let\'s get this over with! You can find me wandering around to see if we can find a way to hide you.->Adriene]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(10a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I should feel proud from all what you listed, but I don't. It's so hard when you're raised that it is the normal to get high grades at school and just succeeding is not acceptable.
It is very hard to feel validated about your game design skills and development from parents, friends, or loved ones. Either they won't say the truth so they won't hurt your feelings or they don't have the proper background to criticize my work and tell me how to improve it.
**You**
---
[[(10b) I know it feels bad, my parents were the same like yours; they didn't acknowledging any of my successes.->ParentIssue]]
(link: "(11) Blah, blah, blah. Are you just quoting that game dev movie that you watched before? Don't compare yourself with the people in that movie! You will never be like them - or even close! You should get over yourself and get on with the game jam before more people notice that you don't fit with them.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "Jamming")]
####(align:"=><=")[(10b/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
When I was a kid, it was normal to get high grades in my family because there was no other choice. My mum sits with us to help us to memorize everything because the education system is based on memorization. I always though my success in school would get me more friends, but I didn't have a lot of friends especially after changing schools.
I wanted to impress my parents, my new teachers, and the new students so what is better than making a game. I used a modem to search online with my little English knowledge for resources to create games that didn't involve this wierd text called code. One day, I found "GameMaker 4" by Mark Overmars. I used it to create a game called "Kanfooz" - a platformer game with bosses while ripping art from Sonic the Hedgehog. I spent a lot of time working on it. I spent my entire summer vacation to finishing it. When it was the time to show it, no one cared - not my family, not my teachers, not even my school friends.
I got really depressed and decided not to do anything anymore for very long time.
**You**
---
[[(10c) You said that you did't know anyone to give you good critism and help you to improve your games. Maybe you could ask some of the people on the train if they are interested in offering feedback about your games? I am sure there are great designers on the train.->BadCritism]]
(link: "(11) Your childhood problems card: \"Blaming the parents\". Stop talking to me and get on with the game jam.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "Jamming")]
####(align:"=><=")[(10c/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I don't think I'll do that anymore. I don't think that I am too shy to show my games. I used to be very shy about it, where I would only show it to people who insisted and were very positive about my work online. Until one day, I decided to open more and try to get more critical feedback to improve my design abilities. A friend of mine asked a famous designer to look at my latest games to give me feedback to improve it and make it better.
That designer was ruthless, instead of judging my game. They just trashed it and asked me to stop working on it and do something else more experimental. I got really depressed and stopped developing games for a while because I knew at that point, I was just an imposter and I could never measure myself with anyone as a designer.
I am sure they didn't intend to be mean towards //me// personally. I think that they were just really busy and my friend talked highly about me and my games. They might've though it is something different than just a simple abstract puzzle game. Something that fit their taste.
**You**
---
[[(11) Don't create excuses for them. That\'s pretty rough even if they //were// busy. Sorry if I opened up those old wounds. I am sure the organizer is back by now. Let's see if they found any groups for you.->Jamming]]
[[(11) Sounds like you made a pretty bad game. That proves you don\'t belong. Still that won\'t change the fact that you are on a train that you shouldn\'t be on and more and more people will know how bad your games are.->Jamming]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(11/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
The organizer is back now. Lets go and check if they found any groups.
"Oooh, you found a group that is using Phaser that sounds amazing."
I will go meet them. They aren't very far. I'll go talk to them. Don't worry - I'll tell you everything when I am back.
**You**
---
[[(11a) Yaaaaaay! I told you you would find someone! But at the same time, I knew that even if you joined a team with an engine that you\'d never used before, you would\'ve been able to pick it up in seconds.->NoInternet]]
(link: "(12) I\'m sure that they only said yes because the organizer came to them. If you'd gone to them by yourself, they wouldv'e probably had said they didn't need someone like you.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "MeetingTeam")]
####(align:"=><=")[(14a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Meals are fun. I sit with new people every single time. But my mood and spirits are still down so I don't talk much. Also, there is nothing to talk about anyway.
**You**
---
[[(14b) Why not talk about your jam game? Your games? Games you play?->YourWork]]
(link: "(15) This trip seems like it will be downhill from now on. See you later anyway.")[(set: $color_index to (floor:$color_index/2))(goto: "OneNight")]
####(align:"=><=")[(14b/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
When you are in that mental state. It is hard to talk at all. I'm also not adding much and I don't feel excited about my jam game. So, I don't really want to talk about it.
About my games, I don't know. I don't have any interesting thing to say about them. Also, I don't want to feel judged while I feel down like that. It will probably destroy the remainder of my self esteem.
**You**
---
[[(14c) No one will judge your games. I am sure there is some amazing games you created. That's why you went to conference before, isn't it?->AMAZE]]
(link: "(15) I get it. You are just a downer loser. I\'ve had enough of you for now. Later.")[(set: $color_index to (floor:$color_index/2))(goto: "OneNight")]
####(align:"=><=")[(15/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Hey, you're here. Yeah, my team members went to sleep by now but I didn't feel like sleeping so I've decided to sit and watch the scenery and watch other people developing.
I feel a lot better now. Someone was sitting beside me creating a game in Unity and they were stuck in a small coding problem. I was able to help them which made them happy and made me happy. I felt that I was focusing on the wrong parts of the jam. I should enjoy it and the amazing people I am teamed with. I should be silly around people - some of them might get my silliness - and I should enjoy the scenery.
**You**
---
[[(16) I am glad that the voices in your brain left you alone. It seems it is getting better for you. You don't need us now so I am going to relax for a bit.->SnowEnjoynment]]
{(set:$color_index to (floor:$color_index/2))}
####(align:"=><=")[(16/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Good morning sleepy head! Didn't see you since last night.
I am feeling great! I have been working with my team on the game. This game is pretty funny. It has some silly ideas contributed by everyone on the team. I enjoyed also the scenery while working on the game. It is marvelous how in couple of minutes the scenery can change from being sunny and nice to being snowy and cold.
We're getting off the train now and getting ready to go to GDC. I exchanged info with everyone in my team. I wish I can officially appologize to them if I was a downer sometimes or not caring. It was a little bit out of my hand.
**You**
---
[[(17) Yeah, you are right. It has to come from you without pity or shame.->HappyEnding]]
{(set:$color_index to (floor:$color_index/2))}
####(align:"=><=")[(17/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Yeah, I am happy that I reached a good place. I know it is not permanent. I know my brain will not always be on my side. Sometimes, I will feel pity about myself and sometimes I will be ashamed and feel like I'm unworthy. I just need to stay strong. With time, it'll pass and I'll get better.
One last thing I want to say is that you are not alone. Your thoughts and your brain will always get the best of you. Everyone is needed in the community. Everyone has a value and every game counts. There is nothing called the right place, the right time, or the right people to be with during events. I would like to repeat something a famous indie designer/developer said:
"Never feel that you are missing out and you need to optimize your time, because if you are talking with people, you are already in the right place talking to the right people."
**You**
---
[[(18) That's great that everything worked out in the end. Now, I leave you to enjoy that. Bye for now.->Myself]]
{(set:$color_index to (floor:$color_index/2))}
####(align:"=><=")[(18/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Before you go, May I ask you a question since I never had a chance to ask?
Who are you?
**You**
---
I am **YOU**.
###(align:"=><=")[THE END]
####(align:"=><=")[Seen Passages: (print:(history:)'s length)/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length)]
####(align:"=><=")[(13/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
...Sniff...
...Sniff...
Oh sorry, I forgot that you are coming now to talk to me. I didn't want you to see me in this state. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. That's why I came back to my bed late.
I couldn't hold it anymore. I have just bursted in tears without being able to do anything. The pressure is killing me. Feeling imposed on the team all day as I am not contributing much as they have a very different setup for their "Phaser". I can't tell them that so they won't regret taking me as a part of the team. Their artist is mainly a coder with skills in creating art which is cool, but I always wished to meet an actual artist and bond over Train Jam.
I know I am not great in talking with other people. I wanted to work with artists and amazing designers on the Train Jam. I thought since we all are stuck on the train, some of them won't have a choice beside working with me. I can utilize that to learn from them during the game jam and the way they think. I just feel bad that after all that money being spent, nothing will change after the jam is over. No new artist friends nor new designer friends.
**You**
---
[[(13a) OMG, I wish I can help you to calm down, but I\'m not good with that. Can't you call anyone to talk to right now?->Call]]
(link: "(14) The money is paid anyway so get a hold of yourself and go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day, just try to blend with people and do work in the team and it will pass with no one noticing that you are bad.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "NextDayJamming")]
####(align:"=><=")[(12a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I wanted to work with some of the people I knew on Twitter so I could bond with them more in real life. Or maybe I could've joined a team with artists so I can have connections later. But this team has neither, which make me feel down. I know by now that jams don't need any more coders, they need more artists, designers, hackers, etc. But no more coders like me that think they are good designers.
I don't know why I thought anyone will care to have me on their team. I'm no one. I'm not a good game designers. If I was good, people might knew some of my games.
I am a complete mess.
**You**
---
[[(13) Poor guy... You now have a team. I am sure it will get better. Go now and work with them and will check on you later tonight.->NightCrying]]
[[(13) You brought that to yourself. Everyone is using Unity why didn\'t you use it too? Don't blame anyone but yourself. Go see how are you going to hide being a loser and I will come back to talk to you later.->NightCrying]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+$crying_value)}
####(align:"=><=")[(13a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I did that before you came. Just the reception went down because we are traveling between places and sometimes the reception is not that great in the inbetween places.
It didn't help much. It might because they believe in me and I don't believe in myself. They see me as the best although I don't know anything. I am just a loser that created bunch of games that no one cares about.
**You**
---
[[(14) Sorry about that. I think the best thing to do for now is sleep and tomorrow work on the game with your team.->NextDayJamming]]
[[(14) Uuugh, I can't talk to you while you are in that state. I\'m gonna go now and talk to you tomorrow hopefully you will stop that crying fest.->NextDayJamming]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(14/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I feel like shit. I don't have energy to work on this game anymore. I feel bad because of asking the organizer for help finding a team and they added me to that team. I am not contributing much because my brain isn't working well.
I wish I'd never asked the organizer. At least I won't feel guilty about letting my team down. If I was working by myself, no one would suffer from my stupidity. I can't talk well with people in my team because I feel like I might burst in tears. I don't feel like I belong with them or anyone on the train. Seeing people working in harmony and laughter and having fun, proves to me that I don't belong here.
**You**
---
[[(14a) Don't say that, there is always place on Train Jam for anyone. If it\'s about the problem of finding artists or designers to bond with, you can still meet new people during meals.->Dinner]]
(link: "(15) I was sure, you would fuck this trip. Just like everything in your life. Your main goal now is to survive with the least damage done. You don't want people to know about your cry-fest yesterday or no one would want to work or talk to you anymore. I am going to chill away from your negativity, don't do anything any more. You\'ll ruin everything.")[(set: $color_index to (floor:$color_index/2))(goto: "OneNight")]
####(align:"=><=")[(14c/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
You are right. I've created bunch of games that got selected before to conferences but even these games can't save me. In my first international game developer conference, I was pretty shy, but I was showcasing two games and giving a speech.
My speech was a trainwreck. It was my first speech not presented in Arabic, but I felt like I didn't belong and I knew too little about game design to give a game design speech. It was an extreme fault. I shouldn't talk about stuff that I don't fully understand. My experience is nothing compared to these big speakers that was with me.
About my games, I had more confidence about them as they were selected by a jury at least. I was sure I can get some feedback that would improve these games, but the problem is no one cared about them. They only cared about drinking and mingling. So I even asked a couple of famous people about what they thought about my games - although they were drunk. Most of them didn't know the game except for one, who gave me some pretty good feedback.
**You**
---
[[(14d) Drunken feedback, I think I know where is this going.->DrunkFeedback]]
(link: "(15) Yeah, yeah, same ol' Ahmed, fucking everything around. Get going with your trainwreck. Hahahaha. Will come by later anyway.")[(set: $color_index to (floor:$color_index/2))(goto: "OneNight")]
####(align:"=><=")[(14d/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Yup, it was drunk feedback. They gave me feedback about another game thinking it was mine. It made me feel insignificant that no one noticed my game or cared for my talk and there were no questions. They probably couldn't understand what I was saying anyways and I was pretty anxious.
I wouldn't mind if there is some progress to what I'm doing. It's been more than 10 years and still no improvement. Other developers and newer generations create better stuff than my own so what is the point of creating stuff for that medium anyway. I was using it as a creative and expressive outlet for me where I could connect to people like me while I am in my home town. But it's useless if no one is hearing.
I understand that this medium is still new, and diverse voices are needed to make it mature and better. But if no one cares, what is the point?
**You**
---
[[(15) There is always a place for your voice in the medium, Just go back to your Train Jam. I will check in later tonight.->OneNight]]
[[(15) There is no point of anything. So why do you expect there is a point in whatever the hell you are doing? I've had enough for now. Later.->OneNight]]
{(set:$color_index to (floor:$color_index/2))}
####(align:"=><=")[(5/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Woooow!
You won't believe it! I talked to multiple people so far, and some of them are very well-known designers! I may not have been doing a lot of talking but I didn't feel down! It's also been way more talking than I usually do! I met one of my Twitter friends in person and they were interested to know my opinions on their game. We tested it with couple of people and it's pretty fun!
It's late now. I'm gonna head to the hotel and have a good night's sleep before the Train Jam starts tomorrow. See you tomorrow at the train station!
**You**
---
[[(5a) Good for you! I knew you can do it! You did the hard work - now it\'s the harvest time. Try to sleep quickly and don\'t stay up too late. Tomorrow is the big day and you don\'t want to be sleepy.->SleepWell]]
(link: "(6) Sooner or later they will know that you are an imposter. See you later, imposter.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "ThemeAnnouncing")]
=><=
###Imposter Syndrome
---
A Train Jam Tale
[[Start->EMail]]
[[Credits->Credits]]
{
(set: $crying_value to 4)
(set: $color_index to 1)
(set: $background_array to (a: "#FFFFFF", "#DDDDDD", "#BBBBBB", "#999999", "#888888", "#777777", "#666666", "#555555", "#454545", "#444444", "#353535", "#333333", "#252525", "#222222", "#181818"))
}
####(align:"=><=")[(7/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Yeah! You're totally right! That's what I am going to do. I'll listen to all of the idea pitches and then join the team whose idea I like best. I'm going to get to the front to listen better to the ideas. I will be back in no time.
**You**
---
[[(7a) Okay - just don't dimiss any idea or team. There\'s a big international crowd so I am sure something will click with you.->DismissIdeas]]
(link: "(8) Hahahaha! //All// of the ideas are great for people like you. Just don't be picky and join the first big team so no one notices you.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "AskingAround")]
####(align:"=><=")[(8/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I'm back.
I heard all of the ideas, but I didn't like any of them. I still don't mind joining any team since I don't have an alternative. And I don't need to worry or rush. The organizers offered to help people that haven't found a team yet. Let's go around to find a team.
"Hello, how are you?"
...
"I am Ahmed, and you are?"
...
"Do you have a team?"
...
"Nice, what is the team idea?"
...
"That sounds very intersting, you can also do ... and ...?"
...
"Do you need other team members?"
...
"I am programmer, researcher, I work with AI"
...
"Its okay, I understand having more than three coders will be a mess in communication."
...
"Thanks and looking forward to play your game at the end of the train jam"
Woooow, it might take awhile to find a team. I'll go quickly to every team and I'll come back to you with a team.
**You**
---
[[(8a) Don\'t get discouraged\, it\'s just a bump in the road. I\'m sure these things happen in a lot of game jams and people end up in teams anyway.->HomeGameJams]]
(link: "(9) Losers like you won't find a team. Mark my words. Call me when you find a team - which I am //know// won't happen.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto: "GroupForming")]
####(align:"=><=")[(12/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I just met them. They seem like very nice people that are going to work on a zombie sewage battle game. I'll go talk more with them about their idea and start to work a little on their project.
Although, right now I feel a little bit imposed and a little bit down.
**You**
---
[[(12a) Why are you feeling down? Didn't you want to work with a team? Now you\'ve found one!->FeelingDown]]
(link: "(13) They clearly don't need someone like you. But they agreed to the organizer, so that's their fault. I'll talk to you later.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+$crying_value)(goto: "NightCrying")]{
(if: $color_index > 0)[
(if: $color_index < $background_array's length)[
(enchant: ?page, (background: $background_array's ($color_index)))
]
(else:)[
(enchant: ?page, (background: $background_array's ($background_array's length)))
]
]
(else:)[
(enchant: ?page, (background: white))
]
}
=><=
###Credits
---
Game by (link-repeat:"Ahmed Khalifa")[(open-url:"https://twitter.com/Amidos2006")]
Thanks to (link-repeat:"Bayan Mashat")[(open-url:"https://twitter.com/bmmashat")], (link-repeat:"Marina Kittaka")[(open-url:"https://twitter.com/even_kei")], (link-repeat:"Ahmed Saker")[(open-url:"https://twitter.com/odraeh")], and (link-repeat:"Megan Charity")[(open-url:"https://twitter.com/MasterMilkX")]
(link:"Back")[(undo:)]
####(align:"=><=")[(6a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Don't get me wrong - I am more than happy to join other people and work with them. But I wanted to have my own idea and pitch it in front of everyone. I always thought it would be the easiest way for everyone to know my name and make friends. Also, I always thought that my strongest skill in game jams was coming up with ideas that revolves around weird mechanics.
**You**
---
[[(7) Don't worry, you have other strong skills that will make you shine as a team member. Just stay positive and join a team.->GroupIdeas]]
[[(7) Huh? You wanna stand in front of everyone and talk and embarrass yourself? It's better for you to go unnoticed in a big team. Just join one and let's get over with this story.->GroupIdeas]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(5a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I wish what you are saying is true. I wish that this is my harvest time and not my usual time being a nobody. Sometimes I feel like I picked the wrong time to be a game developer.
**You**
---
[[(5b) What do you mean? You started long ago and\, like a lot of other indies\, it takes time to shine.->WrongTime]]
(link: "(6) There is no correct time for being an imposter. Just go to sleep already.")[(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)(goto:"ThemeAnnouncing")]
####(align:"=><=")[(5b/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I started working with Flash and tried to license right when Flash started to die. I started on phone development after the AppStores started becoming oversaturated. Even with game jams! I know I started early on them, but I think I was too early. It was before game jams became these big cool things - where everyone loves to play the games, developers get very famous, and they get lots of new Twitter followers. I stopped entering because I got too busy with research and life.
**You**
---
[[(6) It is okay. All of this previous work made you what you are right now. An amazing developer with an amazing background in complex topics such as AI. Go to sleep. Don't think too much. I\'m sure you will shine bright like a diamond. I will let you sleep - see you tomorrow.->ThemeAnnouncing]]
[[(6) Blah, blah, blah. You are an imposter. All you care about is fame and not about games. I've had enough for tonight - later, imposter.->ThemeAnnouncing]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(8a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
I didn't go to a lot of location based game jams in the past because there weren't a lot back home when I was still active in game development. Instead, I to tons of online game jams. I usually did the games by myself, but it's because I wasn't good at keeping up with forums and using them to talk to people and create teams. Also, I tend to take most of the first day thinking about an idea for my project. By the time I come up with one, most of the developers have already started working on their games. In the game jams that I attended by myself, I was either organizing the jam, so I didn't have time to think, I was working with people, or I never found any like-minded people like me.
Maybe that's my problem: I might have been too weird for people in my home town and I'm not good on online interactions. I feel kinda bad about that...
**You**
---
[[(9) Don't feel bad! Like you said, the game dev scene in your hometown is small so not a lot of people are like you. But this is an international one! People are here from all over the world. Trust me, this will be your best jam. I will let you go now, see you with a team later!->GroupForming]]
[[(9) It //is// you. Why you are thinking about it that much? You just don\'t belong in the game development scene. Why do you think it will be any different than online - which is the easiest way to create groups with tons of people joining? Go try to find your imaginary team.->GroupForming]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(7a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
Okay, will keep my mind open and not dismiss any team. I'm sure it's like you said. There'll be people that are into same stuff as me and have similar ideas. This is an international jam with people from all over the world. I have to go or I will miss hearing the ideas.
**You**
---
[[(8) Okay, I am sure you will be a catch to any team. You are an amazing designer and also good with AI. See you after the ideas!->AskingAround]]
[[(8) Just go join the first team you find so you don't embarrass yourself talking to other developers. Later misfit developer.->AskingAround]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(11a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
The problem is... there's no internet on the train. I only want to work with engines that I am used to, so I can show how fast and efficient I am and impress the people so that some of them contact me later to work on bigger games.
But that dream's history now. I don't think any of that will happen. I'm gonna go now.
**You**
---
[[(12) Oooh I get it. Don't be negative. You will still prove yourself in your team and make friends with other people in other teams. Anyways, go break a leg. Catch you later.->MeetingTeam]]
[[(12) Even if there was internet, it wouldn\'t matter for someone like you. Just hope that you don't fuck that team up just like everything else. Try not to do much damage until later when I check on you.->MeetingTeam]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}
####(align:"=><=")[(2a/(print: GE.getNamesOfPassagesWithTag("Main")'s length))]
**Me**
---
You are right, but this has only happened to one game. I think it was a mistake from the AppStore. It went away in a week, and didn't last very long like the rest of the games. At that time, there was no gameplay videos on the store or anything. I think people started to purchase the game on the first day, but then they started to tell their friends not to get because it wasn't that good. That's why I don't think of it as an achievement.
**You**
---
[[(3) Don't dissmiss your achievements. I am sure this will be an achievement too! You will make friends and have the most amazing trip.->MeIsEnemy]]
[[(3) Yup. You're right. It is just luck. Nothing more and nothing less. Just try not to be negative like that on the trip, and you //might// not fuck it up that much and meet some people and have some good time.->MeIsEnemy]]
{(set: $color_index to $color_index+1)}