Pride

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<img src="https://i.imgur.com/x2zyB3F.png" height=400 width=900></img> =><= [[Start]]

[[BuMp...]]

BuMp... [[bUmP...]]

BuMp... bUmP... [[BUmP...]]

After living in California for 5 years, you realize you don't miss the bumpy, gravel roads of rural Arkansas that you grew up on. Not a single bit. [[Look to your left]] [[Look to your right]] <img src="https://vintageoldman.com/Vintage_Old_Man/Media/Dirt-Road-Drive.gif""height=400 width=400" ></img>

Your eyes are drawn to the cow pasture outside your driver's side window. Their moo's echo off the hay bales surrounding them and infiltrate your ears as a sweet, sweet song. Secretly, you miss it. The sounds of animals grazing on the pasture far outweighs the sounds of honking horns, road-raging drivers, and constant night-life in the city you live in now. [[Look back at the road]] <img src="https://media.giphy.com/media/Wqrx55wA0jWQo/giphy.gif"></img>

Your eyes dart to the tractor outside your passenger side window. The tractor plows the field, upheaving massive pounds of dirt in the process. You roll your window up to prevent inhaling the dust. Although, the smell of freshly plowed dirt is oddly nostalgic to you. It reminds you of the summer evenings with your grandpa on his tractor. You would always sit in his lap and pretend to drive the massive 6,000 lb. machine while he chuckled and held you tightly. You miss that carefree feeling. [[Look back at the road]] <img src="https://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/oleantimesherald.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/1/65/16547f50-a47b-11e5-8ab3-2f3ce2a3b5aa/567241b5a1522.image.gif" height=400 width=700></img>

The fields and lushness of the surrounding greenery take you back to a time in your life when everything was not so complex. Carefree. Life wasn't yet a maze that you had to twist and turn through. The only things that mattered were sports, playing in the yard, and flirting with girls at school. Trivial matters, yes. But at the time, it seemed to be your whole world and all that it was ever going to be. [[Home]]

And now you see it. You're pulling up to your childhood home. (click-replace: "home")[prison] From the outside, it is stunning. Big white columns. A lush yard for children to play in. Trees as far as the eye can see. A perfect house for a family of 5. Well, maybe only 4. For you, it was filled with hardships that your childhood self couldn't even begin to comprehend. [[Take a deep breath]] [[Exit the car]] <img src="https://www.homebunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/interior-design-ideas-IMG_20180410_204913_048.jpg" height=600 width=700></img>

Your feet hit the gray rocks in the driveway, and suddenly you're transported to a new world. Familiar, yet altogether new. It finally hits you that you're about to see your family for the first time in 5 years. After high school, you decided that leaving was best for everyone. (click-replace: "decided")[were forced to think] The time apart from your family was what everyone needed. You didn't want to leave, but you felt that you were doing more harm than good. ''EVERYTHING'' (click-replace: "EVERYTHING")[NOTHING] you did was wrong. You couldn't make anyone happy with your decisions. So, you left. [[Walk to front door]]

//[[Inhale]]// [[Exit the car]]

//Exhale// [[Take a deep breath]]

Click on the door to knock when you are ready. (link: "<img src='https://www.trabahomes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Attractive-Outdoor-Wall-Lamps-Separated-by-Glorious-Red-Front-Door-and-Beautified-with-Twin-Potted-Plants.jpg'height=600 width=700>")[(go-to: "Knock")] [[Knock]]

(link: "<img src='https://www.trabahomes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Attractive-Outdoor-Wall-Lamps-Separated-by-Glorious-Red-Front-Door-and-Beautified-with-Twin-Potted-Plants.jpg'height=600 width=700>")[(go-to: "Knockk")] [[Knockk]]

The door slowly creaks open. You know that your mother is just as nervous as you are before you even see her face. "You've finally made it!" your mother exclaims. You swallow to remove the big lump in your throat. You can feel a tear coming on out of your left eye, but you manage to hold it back just long enough to say: "I...I have. It's so good to see you Mom." [[Hug your mom on the porch]] [[Go inside the house]]

You embrace your mother with a hug. You consciously try to adjust your hug so it feels comfortable for the both of you. Hug her too softly and she may think you aren't happy to be here. Hug her too tightly and she will know that you are still carrying around unsettled grief from the past. That's not normal. You told yourself before this trip that you wouldn't watch every move you made like you did when you were a child. Just be natural, be yourself, and everything will go fine this weekend. [[Go inside the house]]

You move past your mother into her home. Your home. Coming back into this house, you feel like a new person seeing it for the first time. You're glad your mother is the only one home right now to see you wandering around like a lost puppy. The striped-blue walls seem to run like waterfalls. The plants in the foyer now sway with the draft coming from the crack in the kitchen window. The family portrait above the fireplace seems like a stock photo, a family frozen in time that has yet to see hardship. [[Go upstairs]]

You walk up the worn-in steps towards your bedroom. You notice along the wall that there are multiple pictures of your siblings. Your brother playing his first baseball game, your brother scoring his first buck. Your sister going to her first prom with her high school sweetheart, your sister crying underneath the "How Tall Are You Sign?" when she found out she was too short to ride a big roller coaster. Sections of the wall dedicated to your siblings who have given your mother and father the typical family dream. Your section of the wall contained only one photo: your high school graduation photos. The day that signified a new beginning not only for you, but for your family as well. [[Continue upstairs]] [[Take a breath]]

You take some time for yourself before continuing up the stairs. Once you've reached the top, you see it. The white door. The best memories you have in this house are within your bedroom. (click-replace: "bedroom")[safehaven] "Mom!" you yell. "I'm gonna be in my room unpacking if you need me!" "Take your time, sweetie," your mom shouts back in her hushed tone. Without hesitation, you open the door, enter the room, and immediately shut the door behind you. [[Reflect]] <img src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/hmg-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/images/doorway-leading-into-bedroom-royalty-free-image-871057262-1539197077.jpg" height=400 width=700></img>

//Breathe in// //Breathe out// //Breathe in// //Breathe out// [[Go upstairs]]

Memories start flooding in. You think that you have processed all these emotions, but nothing could've prepared you for coming back to your childhood home. Starting to get lightheaded, you kick off your sneakers, jump into your bed back first, and stare up at the ceiling. Your mind is running rampant with thoughts and memories, flashing back to the past. Your brain has always been weak at filtering these thoughts. You realized that a long time ago. You dwell on these memories. You think about what might have been if everything was different. (click-replace: "dwell on")[hurt from] You're getting a severe migraine. Your eyes close with pain. Your veins pierce the skin on your temples. Your head starts scrolling through thousands of colors all at the same time. [[Focus]]

Your mind narrows into focus. Thousands of colors turn into 6. <img src="https://nesay.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/Rainbow-Flag-1499702083.jpg" height=400 width=700></img> [[Red]] [[Orange]] [[Yellow]] [[Green]] [[Blue]] [[Purple]] [[Snap out of it]]

[[Drip]]

You're 17. You have just read an article online about (link: "how to come out")[(goto-url:'https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-come-out')]. Your nerves are high, but you know this is the right thing to do. Maybe this type of transparency will allow you to grow closer to your family, something you've wanted since you were a kid. This moment has been building up for years, and you decide it's now or never. Your relationship with your family has always been strained because of you being so different. What is one more difference going to make? [[Come out]] <img src="https://wmmc.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Laptop-on-desk_MAC-e1519250114754.jpeg" height=400 width=900></img>

<img src="https://i0.wp.com/mamadews.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/packing-car-for-vacation.jpg?fit=2048%2C1365&ssl=1" height=400 width=900></img> You're 14. Your family packs up the car and drives from Arkansas to Florida for a beach vacation. A 7-day trip with your family should seem fun to a teenager, but you know that something will go wrong. It always does. At home, you can retreat to your bedroom when you don't feel like a part of the family. On trips like this, you're forced to endure the feelings that plague your mind. [[Arrive at the beach]]

You're 15. The gravel path beneath your feet pierces into your soft skin. You decided to walk barefoot down the trail today. The pain from the gravel combats the numbness you've been feeling lately. The trees surround you from both sides. You watch their branches sway in the wind. The soft hush of the leaves bristling against one another helps calm your anxiety. You come to a fork in the path. [[Turn left]] [[Turn right]] <img src="https://forestparkconservancy.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/image-88-862x354.png" height=400 width=900></img>

You're 20. You've lived in California for a few years now. Many of the friends you've made here have all moved off for new jobs, new families, or for cheaper rent elsewhere. You decide it's time to put yourself out there and meet some new people, again. You're sitting in your apartment on your computer looking for new events, activities, or hobbies to uptake. You decide to let fate guide your hand as you mindlessly scroll through link after link. [[Link 1]] [[Link 2]]

You're 23. You feel like you've finally found meaning in the world and have been striving to be a better version of yourself. You've become the man you've always wanted to be. You've decided to give back to the community and volunteer with the (link: "Human Rights Campaign")[(goto-url:'https://www.hrc.org')](HRC). You're excited to be a part of something that is so near and dear to your heart. It is June 12th, the start of the Los Angeles Pride Festival. This will be the first time you've ever attended a pride event, and you're proud that you are working with the HRC to hand out information and participate in the festival. [[Attend Pride]] <img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/ad/Hrc_logo.svg" height=400 width=900></img>

The left side of the path has always been your favorite. Growing up, you always enjoyed walking these trails with your grandfather. He used to hold you on his shoulders so you could touch the bottoms of the tree branches. You miss him so much. Your grandfather understood and loved you unconditionally. [[Look into the clearing]]

<img src="https://news.stlpublicradio.org/sites/kwmu/files/styles/x_large/public/201707/071217_CH_forestparkcuriouslouis_04_0.JPG" height=400 width=900></img> You hear the wind skimming over the pond before you come off the path. You used to go fishing in this pond with your grandfather when you were younger. Some of your happiest memories with him are being out in nature together. Grandpa never knew who you really were, but you like to think that he knew all along. He was the one person in your life that could always make you feel at peace with yourself. There wasn't a moment with him that you didn't feel safe and free. You miss him dearly. [[Focus]]

Perched on a branch, you notice a green jay. The bird is calmly perched and seems to be staring at you. You stand there with locked eyes. You've always admired the green jays in this forest. They have the freedom to fly anywhere they choose, yet they stay within this forest. The green jays have a home that they come back to. A home that protects. A home that nourishes. A home that isn't a prison. Nature is a nurturer. You wish you could live with the green jays and fly around the forest without a care in the world. This type of freedom is something you can only dream of. [[Focus]] <img src="https://animals.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Green-Jay-5-650x425.jpg" height=400 width=900></img>

It's your first night joining the choir since you clicked on the link to their website a few weeks ago. You've finally gotten enough courage to join the (link: "GMCLA")[(goto-url:'https://gmcla.org/gmcla3/')] A man named Trevor welcomes you and introduces you to the group. Their warm, smiling faces reaffirm that you made the right decision in joining this group. You join the Tenor section and sing softly throughout your first rehearsal to avoid embarrassment or comments on your voice. You know that you'll build up your confidence soon enough. Being around this many men who share the same interests as you is something that you've never felt before. What a great feeling. [[Attend first concert]]

You're sitting in the back of the bar with your legs crossed. Your nerves are getting the best of you, and your mocktail isn't giving you any liquid courage. It's been a few weeks since you clicked on the link for the open mic night at this bar. You've been preparing a song ever since then, and while it's still not perfect, you decide to take a leap of faith anyway. [[Listen]] [[Ease your nerves]] <img src="https://www.aialosangeles.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Open-Mic-Night-Original-image.jpg" height=400 width=900></img>

Your first concert with the GMCLA is on a warm September afternoon. The choir is singing a benefit concert for homeless LGBTQ+ youth in downtown Los Angeles. Your nerves and fear of embarrassment quickly faded away after the first few rehearsals with the group. You even got to perform a small solo during one of the set pieces at the concert. You've always enjoyed music by yourself, but you never knew the euphoric feeling you could get from being in such a caring, loving group. Voices blending with voices in pure harmony. For the first time in a long time, you felt in harmony with the world around you. You never want to lose this feeling. [[Focus]] <img src="https://www.kaufmanlynn.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Auditorium.jpg" height=400 width=900></img>

You listen intently to the other singers, poetry readers, and comedians on the stage. People baring their souls on the stage hoping to find some sort of connection with their audience. You're so entranced by the confidence exuding from these people and their performances that you don't even hear your name being called from the MC. You stand up and take the stage. [[Sing]]

//Inhale// //Exhale// //Inhale...// //Exhale...// [[Listen]]

<img src="https://www.dittomusic.com/img/blog_uploads/2018/8/open-mic-nights-advice_medium_5b7c1bab056a8.jpg" height=400 width=900></img> You grasped the mic in your right hand and started your song. It was shaky at first, but you finally let go of your nerves and freely sang, just like you practiced. You finish your last phrase and exhale slowly. The audience claps and you even get some "Woos!" from the less sober audience members. A man named Trevor comes up to you after your performance and tells you how powerful it was. He says that your voice has the power to heal others. He invites you to his join his choir, the GMCLA. You say you'll consider it and give him a hug. You've never considered the healing powers of music, but now you realize how powerful living in harmony can be. [[Focus]]

<img src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ef/00/0b/ef000b3784f0f43c31a8fdcee47dea35.jpg" height=400 width=900></img> You sit under the yellow umbrella that your family has rented for the week. The fibers of your beach towel scratch against your back, and you start to fidget. You sit up and wipe the sweat that has accumulated on your shoulders and forehead. The heat bares down on you. You decide to alleviate the burning. [[Go to ice cream truck]] [[Put on sunscreen]]

You walk across the hot, grainy sand and get in line behind 5 other people. You can't wait to cool off with some strawberry ice-cream on a cone. While in line you notice, a couple in front of you. Their swimsuits complement each other, light pink with pineapples. They're holding hands, locked in a strong embrace. They share a small kiss and chuckle softly. Their love is definite. You yearn for something like this. Something real. Something transparent. The couple get their ice cream and starts walking back to their place on the beach. <img src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e8/Ice_Cream_Truck_at_Florida_Beach.jpg" height=400 width=900></img> [[Compliment them]] [[Say nothing]]

Something comes over you, and you feel the need to say something. "Excuse me," you say nervously to the couple. The two men look back at you with their hands still locked. "What's up?" says the taller man. "I just wanted to tell you guys how adorable you are. It's nice to see two people so in love." "Well thanks, kiddo," says the shorter man. "We appreciate it." The two men walk off to their place on the beach. Being out in public is something you can only dream of. That kind of exposure must be nerve-wrecking. Or maybe it is liberating. You hope someday that you can gain that type of confidence. The sunlight beats down on you heavier than before. [[Focus]] <img src="https://clarinetmike.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/bright-sun-in-blue-sky.jpg?w=848" height=400 width=900></img>

You say nothing to the two men as they walk back to their umbrella on the beach, hands still locked. You don't see many men so open about their love back in Arkansas. You imagine what it'd feel like to be hand in hand with a man walking down the beach. Would you be nervous? Would you not care? That type of exposure is scary to you, but you yearn for it. Open. Exposed. Public. You look back at your family sitting on the beach and wonder how hard it would be for them to see you with another boy. You snap out of your thoughts and pay the ice-cream man $2.50 for your ice-cream cone. The sunlight burns hotter on your back than before. [[Focus]] <img src="https://clarinetmike.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/bright-sun-in-blue-sky.jpg?w=848" height=400 width=900></img>

You grab the bottle of sunscreen out of your mom's bag and begin applying it to your shoulders and neck. You walk out from under the umbrella and step into the sun. Bright, burning, warm. Your mouth becomes dry and you decide to treat yourself. [[Go to ice cream truck]]

Drip . . . [[drip]]

Drip . . . drip . . . Drip . . [[.]]

You're 18. You've been living in California by yourself for a month now. Loneliness has taken over. The only thing you feel at this point is //nothing//. Numb. Lifeless. Hollow. Drip ~ ~ ~ drip ~ ~ ~ Drip ~ ~ [[~]]

You're sitting in your bathtub again on a Saturday night. The transluscent water quickly turns a pale shade of red. //Inhale// //Exhale// //Inhale...// //Exhale...// The pain runs deep, but not deep enough to hurt you permanently. This release is exactly what you think you need. You feel shame. You wonder why you do this to yourself. You search for an answer and come up with no answer. What is wrong with you? Drip ' ' ' drip ' ' ' Drip ' ' [[']] <img src="https://cheviotproducts.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/image3-4.jpg" height=400 width=900></img>

You lay in the dark red water until an unknown feeling comes over you. Focusing on the pain in your life will destroy you. Focusing on the harm done to you by others will kill you. Your eyes narrow in on the steam from the bath water as it wisps around you in elliptical patterns. You notice the red water fails to taint the natural color of the steam. It's pure, warm, and full of life. Through the pain you're feeling, the left side of your lip moves upward towards the porcelain ceiling. [[Focus]]

One more difference can mean a lot, especially when it's a quality that your family detests. After coming out to your parents and siblings, no one in the home locks eyes with you for weeks. At most, you receive awkward small talk that turns into drifting silence within a few minutes. You feel more alone than ever. You hold a grudge. Why can't they accept you? Why are they avoiding me? You search the Internet for articles trying to understand why they are acting this way, finding things like this (link: "article")[(goto-url:'https://www.thecut.com/2017/09/my-parents-still-wont-accept-that-im-gay.html')] Yet, you still feel resented. How are you supposed to heal from this? [[Let time pass]]

Time passes and things don't get any better or any worse. Your family seems to disregard the events that transpired months ago. This continues for years until you leave the home. Your mother sits at the dinner table talking about how she can't wait for you to find a wife and have her a few grandkids. Your father asks if there are any girls you're interested in taking to prom. These kinds of statements break you. Your family's form of healing only causes you more pain. You were vulnerable and open, and they've seemed to disregard it entirely. A fever dream. You realize the only way you can heal is to remove yourself from this harsh behavior. Only time can heal you now. [[Focus]] <img src="https://www.raptitude.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/sad-bed.jpg" height=400 width=900></img>

The HRC Pride coordinator gives you two options to work at Pride: [[Help run the Info Booth]] [[Walk the parade with the HRC banner]]

Your migraine starts to fade, and your eyes begin to focus. You see the popcorn, white ceiling again and sit up in your bed. A single tear falls down your cheek, but you know it's not out of sadness. It's happiness. It's courage. It's healing. You've come back for multiple reasons, and you won't let anything stop you from repairing your relationship with your family. You get out bed, open your bedroom door, and start the journey downstairs. [[You're ready.]] <img src="https://videohive.img.customer.envatousercontent.com/files/b007fee2-9fea-40aa-99fc-4ecdd4f8863e/inline_image_preview.jpg?auto=compress%2Cformat&fit=crop&crop=top&max-h=8000&max-w=590&s=f8381c9d229f6112fa3269a1600b58bf" height=400 width=900></img>

<img src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/637274_5665b21c282948f7bcdf973cdecd2b2b~mv2.jpg" height=400 width=900></img> You take your place at the blue and yellow decorated informational booth, surrounded by countless other organizations and outreach services. There are multiple people helping with the booth. You and a man named Michael are handing out informational flyers to the public, getting to know each other better during your downtime. You find out he is from the South and moved to California when he was 18, just like you. Michael is very interested in your story and asks if you want to get coffee sometime with him. [[Go on a date with Michael]] [[Respectfully decline]]

<img src="https://d3el53au0d7w62.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/09/a09_jd_10june_pride-2-900x645.jpg" height=400 width=900></img> You begin walking the blocked off streets of the parade with the HRC banner in hand. You're surrounded by other organizations, outreach services, and human rights activists. You feel a wide grin move across your face. Standing next to you is a man named Michael. You and Michael introduce yourselves to each other and being sharing why you're here. You figure out that the both of you are from the South and moved to California when you were 18. Michael is very interested in your story and asks if you want to get coffee sometime with him after the parade. [[Go on a date with Michael]] [[Respectfully decline]]

You accept Michael's invitation and go on a date with him, which turns into countless more dates. Months later, you move into an apartment together. Michael asked you to be his boyfriend a few months after you met, and things have been going great ever since. You've never been happier. Michael cares for you. Michael nurtures you. Michael gives you hope for a promising future. You've been searching for someone like him your whole life. You can't help but feel like something is missing though. [[Something's missing]] <img src="https://queermeup.com/wp-content/uploads/Gay-Teens-2.jpg" height=400 width=900></img>

You decline Michael's invitation, but you can't explain why. You sit in your apartment the next day and smile when you think of someone wanting to get to know you better on an intimate level. It's time to stop being afraid. You've progressed so much over the years in finding out who you are and learning to be confident with your identity. It's time. You're ready. You pick up the phone off of your bedside table and call Michael. [[Go on a date with Michael]]

Michael has helped you heal and listened to your life story hundreds of times. He has uplifted you and brought your spirit back, but he knows that you aren't whole yet. "Hey, babe," he says one night. "I think it's time." "Time for what?" you ask. "I think it's time for you to visit your family. It's been so long, and I think you're ready to face them. You're stronger now. I have faith that they miss you just as much as you miss them." You feel a lump starting to form in your throat and a tear rolls down your cheek. "I want that more than anything. You really think they'd want to see me?" Michael smiles and says, "I know it in my heart. You're ready." Maybe he's right. You're a different person than you were 5 years ago. You're stronger now. You're more hopeful. You have your spirit back. "I'll think about it," you say. [[Focus]]

<img src="https://i.imgur.com/x2zyB3F.png" height=400 width=900></img> =><= by Sam Meurer Life Healing Sunlight Nature Harmony Spirit Whether you have pride in who you are or not, I hope that one day you will be able to find the same kind of pride that I have.