In Memoriam

THE BEGINNING OF THE END My time is coming. I can feel it. I can hear it in the sighs that come from this old throat. I can feel it in the unfamiliar aches in these bones. I cannot count the years I have lived. My life spreads out before my mind's eye, beyond the horizon into the unseen distance. The events are scattered around me like the passages in a winding labyrinth, like the pieces of an impossibly complex puzzle. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to put all the pieces back together, but I don't know how they fit. Where to begin? I suppose I might as well start [[here->Priesthood 1A]].

//Church bells ringing. Darkness. A shuffle and momentary burst of light, gone immediately and replaced by strained breathing.// "Bless me, father, for I have sinned." //A woman's voice. Familiar and...melodic...despite the muffled gasps and soft crying.// "What have you come to confess, my child?" The woman hesitated, trying to collect her thoughts amidst the quiet sobs and wet tears. Finally: "I have been a poor wife." I paused, pondering how to proceed. "Is there another man?" "No, no -- nothing like that. It's just that my husband, he -- he gets so angry, and...." Another moment of silence, followed by fresh wave of tears. "Of course, I deserve everything he does to me and --" "Daughter, what does your husband do to you?" I asked sharply. But it was too late. She left the booth in a flurry, and I heard her footsteps hurrying across the marble floor. The church door creaked open and then clicked shut. "Be absolved," I whispered, alone. //[[Continue->Priesthood 1B]].//

Blood on the ground. //Blood//. Who's blood? Mine? I frantically pat myself, rummaging along the jungle camoflouge in search of any wet spots. Nothing major seems to have been hit. Then I look up to find Pete's lifeless eyes staring back at me. "Pete? //Pete!// Oh my God!" I reach over and shove Pete's arm. He tumbles to his side like a rag doll, helmet-clad head hitting the dirt with a thud. "//Pete!//" "Cong bastards!" the General shouted. The forest seemed ablaze atop the firefight, and truth be told it was not clear whether the Viet Cong set the blaze or we did. But it didn't matter now. We were in it. "Hunker down, boys! Let's sock these Congs in their Commie mouths!" The fight and the fire raged. //[[Continue->War 1B]].//

"Not breathing! He's -- //he's not breathing!//" "Oh, God! Someone help!" //Blurry. Bright. Heart going and ears ringing.// "Baby, baby can you hear me? You're gonna be alright, baby, hang on." Panic in Mama's voice. Daddy staring straight ahead as the rolly-bed zooms down the hallway. I'm on it, but it isn't fun. "Put him in Room 3E; prep the oxygen!" The strange lady called out the words, but I didn't know what they meant. Everything was so fuzzy and ringy. The rolly-bed turns a corner and goes into a room. A big man blocks Daddy and Mama from coming with me. Mama looks really scared. "Did you see his face? Oh God, did you see his //face?// It's so grey!" "It's alright. The doctors have him now; it's gonna be okay." Daddy sounded like he was telling a lie, which he says never to do. Then the doors close and a bright light is shining in my face. A man with a white mask on his mouth looks down at me with squinty eyes. "By God, how are you still alive? It's not possible!" "Let's get him under!" Then the whole world went black. //[[Continue->Childhood 1B]].//

INTERLUDE The memories are coming back. I'm beginning to see now. The labyrinth is being mapped, and the puzzle pieces are coming together. The time is even closer now. It awaits just beyond. But I'm not finished. I must remember before it comes. I must finish. [[Press on->Family 1]].

//~Melody Ambrose Loving Wife In Memoriam~//

//The body crumpled on the floor. Hands stained with blood. Soft crying and the sighing of the night.//

//The hut on fire, thatched roof burning with a ruddy blaze that towered to the crimson sky. A locked wooden door. "Break it down, soldier!" The door unhinged, the family cowering just beyond. The mother's eyes, widened in terror, jet black hair sticking to the sweat on her forehead. The children crying, sobs overpowering the cackling of the flames. Tears making rivulets down their dirt-strewn faces. My weapon raised.//

Weeks went by before the woman reappeared. I had just sat down from delivering the homily in mass, and the liturgies were beginning. Somehow, I heard a familiar voice, soft and [[melodic->Headstone]], emanating from somewhere in the congregation. The quiet tones hitting my ears alerted my senses; I had not been able to get her confession out of my mind. Against my better judgment, I turned to look over my shoulder, to get a glance at the source of a voice with so much pain and so much anguish. Immediately, our gazes met. Her eyes widened in fear, and with a bruised and downcast face and arms wrapped around her torso, she extricated herself from the pew and hurried quickly up the aisle toward the exit. Everything in me wanted to follow her, to catch her before she left, possibly forever. But a priest cannot simply stand and walk out of the liturgy -- especially on the tail of an unaccompanied woman. So I watched her walk away, and I prayed to Whomever was listening. //[[Continue->Priesthood 1C]].//

Time passed; I do not remember how long. Eventually, I saw her again, beyond the walls of the church. "Sister," I said, unintentionally startling her. "I have not seen you in mass for quite some time." Her eyes darted away, searching in vain for an escape from the encounter. She finally spoke. "I'm sorry, Father Ambrose. Forgive me." "Now is not the time for confession," I said with a half-smile. "That comes later, and I do encourage it, sister." She paused a moment, her eyes averted, as my words sunk in. "Yes, father. Thank you." //[[Continue->Priesthood 1D]].//

She did return to mass, but she had not yet come back to confession. After the service, she knelt to pray, lingering as the others departed. "The woman praying there," I asked the cantor, "do you know who she is?" "The ladies of the church know her as Mrs. Diggory," he replied, "but I am told she is an infrequent visitor." //The name! [[Diggory]].// "She is, indeed. I pray that will change soon enough." The cantor nodded as the woman finished praying and walked briskly from the sanctuary. //[[Continue->Priesthood 1E]].//

"Bless me father, for I have sinned." My senses jolted awake. She had returned. "What have you come to confess, my child?" I asked, keeping my voice calm and leveled. "My husband, he is -- he can be a cruel man," she replied. Her voice, though no less hesitant, was not as overwhelmed with emotion as in her last confession. I waited for her to continue. "He works really hard, and he has a terrible job. But he can be excessive. I don't know what to do." I tried to process this information while remembering my formalities as a priest. "For what would you need forgiveness, daughter?" "For this." And she gave me her address. //[[Continue->Priesthood 1F]].//

I paced outside the little house, unsure of what to do. The sun was beginning to set; I did not want to leave, but I did not want to make the situation worse, either. It was at twilight that something finally happened. I heard a loud, angry voice from inside the house. A crashing noise as something broke, and then a sickening thud. A silhouetted figure emerged from the front door and moved quickly down the street, disappearing around a corner. I dashed across the street -- breaking into a run, now racing up the front steps -- blocked by the bolted door. //[["Break it down, soldier!"->Village]]// The door broken loose, I raced inside, turning to see a figure lying motionless on the kitchen floor. I turned her over and noticed the blood on the ground. She wasn't breathing. //[[Not breathing->Childhood 1A]]. [[Blood on the ground->War 1A]]//

I sit at the table with my crayons. I'm just starting to draw, but when it's done it's going to be [[a tiger->Tiger]]. Mama and Daddy are whispering, but they're bad at it. I can still hear them. "He should be dead. The doctor said he should be dead. Nobody can survive under the water for that long. Look at him now; just //look// at him!" "Honey, shhh," Daddy said. "He might hear us. We should be...thankful. That he's still here...." "Did you see him? He looked like a corpse. A //corpse//!" Daddy put his hand on his face. "Yeah. Yeah, I saw him." //[[Continue->Childhood 1C]].//

//Streaks of black and white on the orange fur. Paws thumping against the jungle floor. Bright yellow eyes staring straight back at me.//

I think something is wrong with me. Maybe I'm sick. The other kids at school whisper about me. They heard about the accident, when I was under the water. They tell each other what //their// Mamas and Daddies say about me. Sometimes I hear words like "freak" and "unnatural," but I'm not sure what they mean exactly. Mama stopped tucking me in at bedtime. Sometimes she watches me and rubs her arms, but then she looks away when I look at her. Sometimes she leaves the room and closes the door. Daddy pats me on the head when he gets home from work, but he doesn't play with me or ask me, "How was your day, sport?" He usually closes the door, too. I feel lonely. //[[Continue->Childhood 1D]].//

It was a long time ago, but I remember the last time Mama and Daddy looked at me and hugged me and told me I was okay. It was when I was hurting, when the bad thing happened. Mama and Daddy were in their bedroom with the door shut. Their voices were angry, and Mama was [[crying->Confession]]. If I made enough noise, they would hear. I crawled up onto the counter and turned the water on. It fell out of the faucet like a waterfall. I put my face under it and screamed, banging on the counter with my fist. I think I banged too hard, because I toppled off the counter and onto the floor. There was a loud thump as my head hit the tiles and Mama and Daddy ran out of their room to see me. I rolled over, and there was blood on the ground. Mama was screaming and Daddy was calling someone on the phone. [[Blood on the ground->War 1A]] ~[[Interlude->Priesthood 2]]~

//Soft crying and strained breathing. Muffled sobs. "Bless me, father, for I have sinned."//

The jungle was quiet as the smoke dissipated amongst the trees. The company stood solemnly by as the last of the dirt was shoveled onto Pete's pale face, and he disappeared beneath the earth. A pair of crossed sticks marked the makeshift grave. //Grave. A [[headstone->Headstone]].// The chaplain spoke a prayer of blessing over Pete's soul and then asked if I wanted to say anything. I mumbled a few words of admiration for my friend and then fell silent. The chaplain concluded, and we all broke away without another word. The General soon fell into step beside me. "Those were some fine words. I appreciate it, Ambrose." "Yeah, maybe I'll be a priest one day," I replied, shrugging it off. "Listen, private," the General said, grabbing my shoulder and turning me to face him. "This man we're after, Officer Hoang -- he's the one who's ultimately responsible for what happened to Pete." I set my jaw. "Can you tell us yet why we're hunting him through this godforsaken jungle?" "I just received the okay from Saigon, and I wanted you to know first." I tried not to scowl at the General's affected compassion. "Hoang is a deserter. He went AWOL from the Viet Cong and is on the run now from them and us. He's got some mighty handy intelligence on him, though, and the Cong'd rather get to him before we do. Understand?" I forced myself to nod. "Yes, sir." "Then you make it your personal mission to find the bastard. For Pete. Got it?" "Yes, sir." //[[Continue->War 1C]].//

The company marched through the humid and sticky jungle, sweat pouring down our faces as we trudged on toward seemingly nowhere. The sky above the canopy of trees was a ghastly [[grey->Grey]], blocking any sunlight from penetrating the covering. Eventually, the General ordered a halt. "Alright, men, take a breather. We know that Hoang was last spotted in a village somewhere northeast of here. After this, we keep marching and we find it. Ambrose, clear the area." Grudgingly, I deposited my gear on the jungle floor and went to do a sweep of the surrounding area. Keeping my sidearm with me, I decided to leave my other weapons at the resting site. After a few moments, I was alone, walking in a broad circle just out of sight of the rest of the company. Trying not to let my thoughts wander too far, I listened intently to the noises of the jungle for anything out of place. That's when I heard the rustle. Orange fur striped with black and white gradually appeared from out of the underbrush as an enormous tiger slinked beside me. I froze where I stood, remembering desperately the rifle I had left with the company. My sidearm would not be enough to stop the beast. The tiger didn't seem interested, however. It turned and locked eyes with me, its great yellow irises staring right through my skin and into my soul. It paused for only a second that felt like an eternity, and then it turned back and began walking away. The moment was over. It was beautiful. A deafening sound exploded into the silence, ripping through the peace. The gunshot echoed as as the tiger slumped over, its majestic hide hitting the jungle floor with only a soft rustle of leaves. The General appeared beside me with his rifle. "Hostile down! Close call, Ambrose." It wasn't hostile. But I was too horrified to say anything. "Hey, look at that, Ambrose!" the General cried, pointing to a collection of thatched roofs in a distant clearing. "You found the village! Fine scouting, private!" I walked steadily forward to the tiger's corpse. I knelt down, brushing my hand along the soft white fur under its chin. It was not breathing. The village lay just beyond. [[Not breathing->Childhood 1A]] ~[[Interlude->Priesthood 2]]~

//A child's face, lifeless and grey. Floating upon the water. Drowned.//

"Mrs. Diggory? Mrs. Diggory?" The doctor called her name several times before her eyes finally opened. She made a quiet groaning sound. "Mrs. Diggory, you're safe. Father Ambrose is here." The doctor turned to me. "I'll leave you two alone for a moment." I sat in the bedside chair as the doctor left the room. "How are you feeling, Mrs. Diggory?" "I'm okay," she croaked. "It was your husband. I imagine this is the worst one yet." She only nodded in response -- a barely visible motion. "You're going to be okay, Mrs. Diggory. I'm watching over you." For the first time since I had seen her, a small smile crept upon her face as her eyes closed and she drifted back into unconsciousness. --- I did not go to sleep that night. I sat in the bedroom chair, wide-eyed and fully alert. I could not get Mrs. Diggory out of my mind. Nor her husband. I brooded darkly in the corner of the room, letting my thoughts wander into fargone places. Finally, I stood up, pulled on my coat, and left the house -- knowing not quite what I would do, but certainly where I would go. --- The lock was still broken, but the door to the house rested shut. He had returned. Without the lock inhibiting me, I crept quietly into the house, the wooden floor creaking slightly as I stepped over the frame. I made my way to the back, searching for the bedroom where she used to lay awake in terror. I found it, along with the source of that terror. I stood at the edge of the bed, staring down into his face. I did not know what to do; I had brought no weapon, but even if I had I wasn't sure I would've used it. The floor creaked. His eyes sprang open. He lunged, taking me off guard and tackling me to the floor. Reaching toward the bedside stand for some weapon that was surely hidden in the drawer. As he fumbled with the handle, I threw him off me and managed to get on top of him, delivering several quick and angry blows to his face as he lay there dumbfounded. Without thinking, I opened the drawer and reached in, grasping for anything I could get my hands on. Before I knew it, I had plunged a switchblade into the man's stomach and withdrawn it just as quickly. I delivered several more blows to his shocked face before I realized what I had done. I stood up, looking back and forth between my blood-stained hands and his crumpled body lying on the floor. The only sounds were the sighing of the night and a distant, soft crying. The crying was my own. ~[[Interlude]]~

//A cry of pain. Heavy breathing.// "Okay, we need you to push now, Mrs. Ambrose. //Push!//" The doctors worked quickly around us as she squeezed my hand. I looked into her eyes, her sweat-plastered face. "You can do this. Keep pushing." Her determined eyes said what her lips at the moment could not. As the doctors kept working, she pressed on. At long last, our daughter was born. --- //A gentle breeze. Warm sunlight.// The hammock swayed back and forth as our laughter swelled. Three hands met in the air and grasped one another -- one large and calloused, another thin and delicate, another tiny and soft. We rolled out of the hammock, and my daughter crawled along the grass until she came upon a dandelion, glowing in the summer sun. Her face delighted as she hugged it to her hest. --- //A comfortable darkness. Rustling of bed covers.// My daughter lying expectantly in bed. I come to her side, [[tucking the covers->Covers]] underneath her with a soft kiss on the forehead. "Goodnight, my child." --- //The smell of smoke, acrid in the air.// Rushing home, panic overwhelming. The house, engulfed in flames. My daughter -- still in school. My wife -- //No, please, no!// The house collapses, and she's gone. Lost in the fire. The sky above is a blinding white. [[Blinding white->Childhood 2]] [[The fire->War 2]]

//Mama tucking me in. She kisses me. Tells me it's going to be okay.//

Mama and Daddy don't look at me at all as the blinding white van stops in front of our house, glinting in the bright sun. They introduce me to the two people who get out; they look very fancy in nice clothes and briefcases like Daddy has. Mama and Daddy tell me to go with the people. I want to know why Mama and Daddy are not coming with me, and how long I will be gone, but I do not ask. I can see the answers in their eyes as they look down at me one last time. Daddy whispers goodbye, but I barely hear him as I get into the van. I feel a fire in my eyes as I begin to cry. The fire burns stronger as we leave, and I know that it's not going to be okay. [[The fire->War 2]] ~[[End->Family 2]]~

The fire blazes over the thatched roofs of the huts. The village burns under a crimson sky. They were given a deadline to give up Hoang, and they didn't meet it. I see the General setting another hut ablaze, unloading his rifle indiscriminately into the dwelling. I race up beside him. "//What are you doing?!//" I shout. "//This is madness!//" "They're all Congs, every last one of 'em!" he shouts angrily. "If they refuse to give up the Commie traitor Hoang, then they bring this on themselves. Break the door down, soldier!" Instinctively, I obey, bursting into the burning hut. A family cowers there -- mother's eyes widened in fear and children's sobs overpowering the cackling of the flames. Tears make rivulets down their dirt-strewn faces. My weapon is raised, and I look down at it in horror. I lunge at the General just as he begins firing his weapon, knocking him off balance and getting on top of him. I land several quick and angry blows as he lays there dumbfounded. Without thinking, my hand reaches for my sidearm, looking for anything that will give me the upper hand. Before I know it, I have fired a round into his stomach. I land several more blows to his shocked face before I realize what I have done. I roll over, staring into the smoky sky. Right above me, I can see a patch of blinding white amidst all the crimson. [[Blinding white->Childhood 2]] ~[[End->Family 2]]

So much time has passed. My wife has been dead for so many years now. I have not spoken with my daughter for decades. I had to leave her, eventually. She couldn't watch herself grow older than her own father, not with her own family to care for. But now it is time. For closure. I walk along the aisle of the cemetery like the aisle of church. My gait is noticeably slower, and the walk is more exerting than it has ever been. Finally, I find the grave I am looking for. I place a dandelion by the headstone. "My daughter," I weep softly. //~Melody Ambrose Loving Wife In Memoriam~// ~[[End->The End]]~

THE END My time has come. It is over. All the pieces are together, and I have reached the center of the labyrinth. Here is where my journey ends. At long last, here I shall have peace. My memory ends. ~//In Memoriam//~