"Perhaps all fields are battlefields,
those we remember
and those that are [[forgotten->intro]]"
//Wisława Szymborska - Reality Demands//#Pepper and Smoke
//An interactive (and mostly true) story.//
**[[Content warnings (spoilers)]].**
[[about]].
[[enter]].It's raining.
This place is prone to rain during this season. Raindrops pound against the windows erratically, loud enough to drown out whatever show you've put on for background noise while you study.
You sigh and abandon your books. You should probably get [[something to eat->dinner]] soon.This is a small apartment for this town, but you don't mind. It suits you fine. You've grown up in apartments, anyhow.
The kitchen is an open plan one, opening out directly into the living room, with counters and barstools instead of a dining table.
A glance in the fridge reveals that you have been putting off the grocery shopping for too long.
[[Improvise some fried rice]].
[[Just go with instant noodles]].
(click-replace: "suits you fine.")[means you can afford it, at least.] You were never the best chef, but this was something you've managed to learn over the years.
Leftover rice. Eggs. Soy sauce. Garlic. Green onion. The last of that bag of frozen vegetables. A few hot dogs.
The end result is pretty good. (click-replace: "pretty good")[only a little burnt]
[[Time to eat.]]Ah, well. You can't go wrong with instant noodles. You'll eat something healthier tomorrow to make up for it.
Broth packet. Green onions. Dried noodles. An egg, just to avoid death by malnutrition.
The resulting dinner is alright.
[[Time to eat.]]
(click-replace: "alright")[a little sad, but at least it's something] Cooking at home is a lot healthier(click-replace: "healthier")[cheaper] than eating out. You place your used dishes in the sink, washing them clean and putting them onto the rack to dry.
Outside, the rain seems to be slowing down to a trickle.
You should get back to [[studying]].Your major is admittedy not something you're very passionate about, but it's something that will get you a job, which is the end goal.
It sometimes made you a little jealous when other people offhandedly mention taking a class just for fun. A luxury you can't afford. But it doesn't matter. At least you don't //hate// what you're studying, and you work hard enough to get okay grades.
|offtobed)[Time flies. [[Off to bed.->Bed]]]
{(live: 5s)
[(show: ?offtobed)
(stop:)]}Your bedroom is as sparsely decorated (click-replace: "sparsely decorated")[empty] as the rest of the apartment. If anything, it's easier to keep clean this way.
Looks like you didn't make the bed this morning. It's okay. You tend to forget these days.
[[Get ready for bed.]]You're still in the habit of showering at night, instead of in the morning. It confused your [[roommates]], back when you had them, but now that you live alone it doesn't matter.
Putting on your pyjamas, you can glimpse yourself in the slightly-fogged up [[mirror]].
[[Back to the bedroom.]]You had two roommates (Riley and Satya, you remember) in the first year, sharing a three-person dorm. The dorm was large by the standards in this country, but being in a living space with so many people you didn't know made you uncomfortable.
They were nice people, not too troubling to live with, and you got along with them the best you could. (click: "best you could")[Which is, admittedly, not that well.] You're still in contact with them, though you're acquaintances at best [[now->Get ready for bed.]]. You stare at yourself in the mirror.
On the small side, but not short enough for people to comment on it. Scraggly dark hair that needs to be cut. Eyes always looking a little out of focus, though it's probably because you're not wearing your glasses at the moment.
To put it simply, you're (click-replace: "pretty average looking")[ [[not much to look at->Get ready for bed.]]] pretty average looking. It's raining in earnest again, with a flash of thunder or two on the occcasion. Not ordinarily conducive towards sleeping, but you're tired enough to ignore it.
The bed is cold enough to make you shiver inadvertently. Why does it get cold so early here? You pull the sheets up to your chin and close your eyes.
[[Drift off.]]You're walking down a street. (click: "street.")[For this time in the evening, it's pretty crowded, though today isn't a regular day.] There's a strange taste of burnt matches in your mouth, and something stinging in your nose. You can't seem to keep your eyes open. This feeling is all too familiar.
[[Get your respirator on.]]
This is a short twine story. It's also my first. I hope you like it.
(css: "color: silver;")[Gray] links reveal more text. (css: "color: #679595;")+(css: "font-style: italic;")[Italic] links move forward (or elsewhere.).
You may have to wait at times. This is intentional. Hopefully it isn't too annoying.
Something a little more spoiler-y: (click: "spoiler-y")[There are three paths to the same ending. There is no wrong or right way to get to the ending – they are all correct paths to take, only different ones.]
[[Acknowledgements]].
[[Return->intro]].It sits a bit awkwardly against your face, but it's protection.
The sirens are louder, now. You can't quite see beyond the crowd, but someone is shouting into a loudspeaker, and a black banner has been held up.
A series of (link-reveal: "pops.")[ [[What- another round?->What- again?]] ]Screaming. The crowd scatters off in (link-replace: "all directions.")[the only directions that exist on this narrow street corner.]
The respirator is tight against your face, and your goggles are protecting your eyes. But others aren't so lucky. (click: "lucky")[Someone's choking behind you.] (click: "Someone's")[It's a kid, obvious even with the helmet and the bandana. You've got [[saline]] in your bag, haven't you?]The kid is sprawled on the ground. You look at their face. (click: "face.")[A mixture of tears and mucus covers it. They're gasping even as the air around you thickens with white smoke.] (click: "smoke")["Hey, hey, you're okay, you'll be [[okay-]] ]Someone is approaching. (click: "Someone")[It's not just a someone. It's several policemen.
Oh, //crap//.] (click: "crap") [You need to go. The kid is still half-crouched on the ground, oblivious to what's happening around them. You haul them up by their arm and tell them to
[[run]]]You're running. They're running. You can hear footsteps behind you.
|closer1)[Louder, now, and closer. Someone is shouting, but you can't hear it. Shit, where's the kid? (click: "kid")[They've lagged behind, they're gasping for air. You call out to them, but they don't respond.]]
|closer2)[You turn a corner, and the kid follows, then the footsteps. And then the kid stops. (click: "stops") [No. You call out to them, louder, but you don't stop. You can't (click-replace: "can't")[are too much of a coward to] stop. ]]
|closer3)[The corner takes you up a footbridge, and the footsteps fade behind you. You're gasping now, too. Where's the kid- (click: "Where's")[Someone is [[screaming]] behind you.]]
{(live: 2s)
[(show: ?closer1)
(stop:)]}
{(live: 8s)
[(show: ?closer2)
(stop:)]}
{(live: 14s)
[(show: ?closer3)
(stop:)]}
(link-replace: "Don't")[You have to] turn around. (click: "have to")[One of the policemen is (link-replace: "holding")[pressing] the kid against the floor.] (click: "pressing")[The kid shouts something. You can't hear it from where you are. They open their mouth again, and then a policeman (link-replace: "puts")[slaps] a hand against their mouth.] (click: "slaps") [
They raise their head and, for a moment, look [[straight at you]]]You wake up a full half-hour before your alarm rings.
You can't recall much of your dream (click-replace: "dream")[nightmare] anymore, now that you're awake. It didn't matter. You rarely go a week without one.
The sun's beginning to rise outside. You might as well [[get up->Get up.]].You have a morning class today and work in the afternoon. You should probably go grocery shopping as well, judging by the state your fridge was in last night.
It's early enough that you can try to [[come up with some breakfast]], if you want.
Or you can just go with the usual cereal and [[spend some more time studying]].There truly isn't much left in the fridge anymore, but at least there are a few eggs. You use up the last of the butter to make yourself an omelette with (set: $condiment to (a: "cheese", "peppers", "mushrooms", "ham", "onions")) (link-repeat: "[(print: $condiment's 1st)]<band|")[(replace: ?band)[(set: $condiment to (rotated: -1, ...$condiment))(print: $condiment's 1st)]].
You've tried getting into meal prep, but you've never had the time or creativity for it. At least the campus has reasonably priced food.
[[Finish up and get going.->Classes]]It never hurts to get some more coursework done. You have a paper due in a couple of days, and you've made decent progress on it, but you'd like to get it done early enough to spend some time reviewing it.
Your scholarship is conditional, after all, and it (link-replace: "won't be fun")[would be awful] to lose it. And anyways, you (link-replace: "like it here")[don't think you'll be able to stand going back to where you came from].
|headout)[You'd better head out before you're [[late.->Classes]]]
{(live: 5s)
[(show: ?headout)
(stop:)]}The university you're going to wasn't your top choice. (click: "top choice")[It was the one that offered you a full scholarship, though, and you needed that.]
It's your second year and while you haven't been totally isolated, this certainly isn't the higher-education experience you know some of your secondary school classmates are having.
It's okay. All you have to do is pass and get a degree. (click: "degree") [Then a job.] (click: "job")[Then a visa, to stay here.]
You enter the lecture hall several minutes early and settle into your usual seat three rows from the [[front]].The [[same person]] always sits next to you during this class. You two are in a lot of classes together, but your conversations don't go beyond greetings and the occasional exchange of lecture notes.
You've done your readings, so the contents of the lecture don't come as a surprise. You (click: "pay attention")[try your best to] pay attention.
[[More classes. Then work.->Work]]Their name is Alex, you're pretty sure. Or a variant of it. (Alexis?) Taller than you, long dark hair, always dressed in bright colours no matter the weather. They might be doing the same major as you - you don't remember.
They've been nice to you, though, and always greet you with a [[smile.->front]]Work is at a cafe on campus. It was the first (click-replace: "first")[only] place that'd take you, and the hours were flexible. You keep telling yourself you'll look for something better. (click: "better")[But to be honest, you haven't really bothered to.]
It's okay. It pays the bills. You were fortunate enough to have recieved a scholarship, but it only covered your tuition. (click: "tuition")[And you certainly aren't going to get any funding from back home.]
Afternoon isn't a busy time – mostly students looking for somewhere that isn't the library to study and chat. Still, you have plenty to do.
(click: "students")[Someone familiar is at the counter. [[Alex?]]]They greet you with one of their easy smiles.
"Hey. Didn't know you worked here."
[["Hey."->Hey.]]
[["Are you ordering anything?"->Are you ordering anything?]]"Nah, Casey ordered for all of us a while ago. I just saw you here and wanted to say hi."
They gesture at one of the corner tables, covered in papers and laptops. Several students you don't really recognise sit around it. One catches your eye, and waves. You wave back.
[["Thanks. Nice seeing you here, too."->AlexBye]]"Yeah, I came here with a couple of people from one of my other courses to study. Just wanted to say hi."
They gesture at one of the corner tables covered in papers and laptops. Several students you don't really recognise sit around it. One catches your eye and waves. You wave back.
[["Cool. Have fun...?"->AlexBye]]"See you around!" Alex says, and returns to their table.
You still have quite some time left to go in your shift. It's a quieter day than usual. From the corner of your eye, you notice a couple of people depart from Alex's table. They doesn't notice you again.
|getgoing)[7:30PM. Time to [[leave.->AlexEncounter]]]
{(live: 5s)
[(show: ?getgoing)
(stop:)]}The nearest supermarket is a bus ride away, and they close at 9:30. You can probably make it if you rush.
Thankfully, a bus pulls up at the station just as you arrive at it. You settle onto a seat and wait. (click: "wait.")[ The bus begins filling up, and someone clears their throat next to your seat.]
(click: "someone")[It's Alex. Again.]
(click: "Again")["Hey. Mind if I sit [[here->SirenTime]]?"]You shuffle in against the window, putting your backpack on your lap. It won't be a long ride, and you probably should've just stood up, but it'll be too awkward now.
"Thanks," Alex says, and you nod in response.
The bus doors close. You hug your backpack and stare out the window. There's no need to waste your phone's limited data plan, (click: "plan")[and it's not like anyone would need to contact you,] so you just wait.
|sirenhours)[The familiar scenery of the campus and the surrounding neighbourhood blurs past you. You're beginning to get drowsy when you hear the [[sirens.]]]
{(live: 9s)
[(show: ?sirenhours)
(stop:)]}Sirens are everywhere, coming from the main street. Someone's pulling at your shirt. You turn to look at them. (click: "turn")[It's another black-clad man, wearing a respirator and a helmet like you are. He gestures towards the two policemen below the footbridge, who are holding someone down on the pavement.
The kid.]
(click: "kid")[You can't just [[leave them there.]]]You shrug off the black-clad man, who yells something in your direction but doesn't try to stop you.
Running down the stairs of the overpass, you nearly trip over yourself, but catch yourself in time.
There is something you can use in your bag. (click-replace: "something you can use")[an [[umbrella]]] You've never wanted to, but this might have to be the [[time->beatcops]].One policeman is holding the kid down, while the other stands by them. There's no police vehicle in sight (click: "in sight")[so far], and you don't see any other people coming down this particular alley.
Where are the exits? (click: "exits")[The entry you came from. The stairs up to the overpass, currently clear. You doubt any of the shuttered metal shopfronts lining this alley would open up for you. (click-replace: "doubt any")[know none]]
You can probably take them on. Or at least, buy the kid some time to get [[away.]]You knew a lot of other people had far more intimidating weapons (batons, trowels, screwdrivers, hammers), but you didn't want to resort to violence. That wasn't part of your beliefs. The umbrella had mainly been used protectively, but you weren't naive (click-replace: "naive")[stupid] enough to not know how to [[fight->leave them there.]] with it.You rush towards the kid and use the moment of confusion to swing your umbrella down hard at the policeman who's holding them down, right at the unprotected part of his neck.
(click: "neck")[
It connects, and the policeman shouts, jerking his head towards you. You get another hit in, then another, and he takes his weight off the kid and comes to you. His colleague is removing something from his belt.(click: "comes to you")[
"Run!" you shout, and the kid doesn't need a warning. They spring off the ground and up the overpass. You jab the umbrella at the policeman's stomach. Out of your peripheal vision, you see something pointed [[directly at your face]]-]]Blinding pain, in your nose and eyes.
(click: "eyes")[
You feel your face being *slammed* into the pavement. A crunch, another sharp burst of pain. Everything burns.]
(click: "burns")[
This is so much worse than tear gas. You open your mouth but the only thing that comes out is a gasp.]
(click: "gasp")[
And another. Your breathing slows. Your eyes hurt too much to open, but you're able to process sound around you, now, and you realise that there's someone pinning you onto the ground.]
(click: "ground")[
Oh.]
(click: "Oh")[
You're getting arrested.]
(click: "arrested")[
Oh, [[no->ArrestTime]].]You've memorised your name and ID number just for these occassions, but this alley seemed to be abandoned. Nobody's around to hear you shout.
(click: "shout")[
Nobody's around to hear your [[non-suicide declaration]].
Who would you even call, at the police station? Your parents are overseas, and you'd be kicked out if they caught wind of this. Could you get your sister to pick you up? Do you need a lawyer? Will you be charged?
(click: "charged")[
You're distracted from the stream of questions in your head when the policeman puts something around your wrists and pulls it tight. You're being handcuffed. (click: "handcuffed")[Through the pain in your eyes and the horror that eats through your chest, this somehow amuses you.] Then he takes out something and asks you an assortment of [[questions->AlexQuestions]].]]They've been finding bodies since July. You watched the news. Suicides without blood or notes, floating bodies. Although you weren't sure if you wanted to believe the fearmongering, you [[didn't want to die->ArrestTime]]. "Hey." (Click: "Hey.")[
"Hey, man. Is this your stop?"] (click: "stop?")[
"Whoa. Take it easy. Is everything okay? Can you [[hear me?]]"]You've evidently lost track of something. The bus has clearly moved, and you panic momentarily before you realise that you haven't missed your stop yet. There's still a remnant (click-replace: "remnant")[phantom] pain in your eyes, and you rub at them. Your limbs feel heavy. Did you fall asleep?
"Hey. You zoned out for a bit there. Everything okay?"
It's Alex, peering at you with an unreadable expression on their face. Right. They were next to you.
[["Yeah. Not sure what happened."]]
[["I was just thinking, that's all."]]"You sure you'll be okay?" Alex asks, a furrow forming between their brows, so you quickly reassure them that you're fine. (click-replace: "fine")[mostly fine]
"Alright. I just wanted to make sure you didn't miss your stop or anything, you know, because we passed the dorms just now," they continue. "I hope that wasn't your stop."
[["It wasn't, don't worry. I was going to the grocery store."->grocerystore]]"Must've been something serious, then," Alex says, grinning apologetically. You shuffle in your seat. "Yeah, sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to make sure you didn't miss your stop, you know, since we were at the dorms just now."
[["Oh, thank you. I'm going to the grocery store, though."->grocerystore]]"Cool. I'm heading to the mall. I gotta pick up some stuff for my roommates," Alex says. You don't find anything to say in response, and the silence between the two of you hangs uncomfortably until they break it again.
"You're a sophomore, right?" they enquire, to which you nod. They hum in response. "I thought most of you guys lived in student housing."
"Oh, I don't...
[[...when you do the maths, it turns out it's cheaper to live off campus."->cheaper]]
[[...I prefer living alone, and that's difficult on campus."->lonely]]"Yeah, definitely. For how crappy some of the dorm buildings are, they're sure charging a lot," Alex replies, with a wince that's presumably sympathetic. "I just moved out this year, with a couple of a roommates, but honestly I miss being on campus."
"Why?"
"It's easier to get to class on time when you've overslept." they say, then break out into laughter. You can't help but smile as well, even though it wasn't particularly funny. "Hey, where in town do you live?"
[[You tell them your address. It's a standard apartment block for student living, after all.->CoolILiveThereToo]]"Hmm. I've had a couple of crappy roommmates too, but I like the company now that I get to pick who lives with me," they say, then adds, "I moved out of campus housing this year."
You consider explaining that your roommates were decent enough, that you just prefer solitude, but Alex continues.
"I grew up with siblings, and I'd always wanted to live alone when I moved out. Turns out I got so used to living with people that being alone just felt too weird," they explain. "Hey, where do you live in town?"
[[You tell them your address. It's a standard apartment block for student living, after all.->CoolILiveThereToo]]"Oh, sweet! I think I'm just a couple of blocks down from you," they say. "We should hang out some time, if you're up to it."
You feel that they are probably more enthusiastic about that idea than you.
They look at you expectantly, head tilted a little to the side. You scramble for a way to turn them down gently, but the bus begins slowing to a stop before you can. (click: "begins slowing to a stop")[
"That's my stop," they say, then offer you their phone, with the dialling menu open. You stare at it for a second, unsure of what they want from you. "Can I have your number? I know we're in a bunch of classes together, and I'm free if you want to study some time."
You type in your number. They flash you a smile as they disembark.
[[Huh.]]]You're not really sure what to make of the encounter. (click: "encounter")[Or the fact that you seemed to have lost five minutes of your life without even realising.]
There's no time to reflect on this, though, because your station comes up next. If you don't get some groceries you're really not going to eat tonight.
[[Disembark. Time to do some shopping.]]Even after two years here, you're still surprised at how large buildings and parking lots are, designed to spread out instead of up. You suppose this is what happens when space was not at a premium.
It isn't a busy time in the store, but it isn't like you spend much time here. You're just going to get the essentials.
Bread. (click-replace: "Bread.")[Wholegrain. White bread is always so sweet here.]
Eggs. (click-replace: "Eggs.")[These have to be refrigerated, for some reason.]
Rice. (click-replace: "Rice.")[You should've gone to the Asian market, for the big bags, but for now this will do.]
Noodles. (click-replace: "Noodles.")[Pasta, as well as ramen noodles. You've run out of both.]
Fresh vegetables. (click-replace: "Fresh vegetables.")[There's still some frozen vegetables left in the fridge, but you liked having fresh food on hand.]
Meat. (click-replace: "Meat.")[You've always preferred seafood. Unfortunately this city isn't coastal. ]
Tofu. (click-replace: "Tofu.")[The fresh stuff from the wet markets at home is always better, but you'll do with this.]
Fruits. (click-replace: "Fruits.")[You didn't really need this, but it's nice to splurge occasionally.]
[[That's enough.]]Most people here learn to drive young. Despite the lack of much public transport options, you didn't feel that you should splurge on a car. You only really existed between the campus, the grocery store, and your apartment.
At least you don't lose more minutes during the bus ride home.
It's late when you finally enter your apartment, but it's the weekend, and you're taking the afternoon shift tomorrow.
[[Get something to eat.]]
[[Get some studying in.]]
[[Screw it, just go to bed.]]You've bought the groceries, but it's a bit late to cook a proper meal, so you decide to just make a sandwich and call it a day.
It's not the healthiest thing, so you add in much more lettuce than necessary to give yourself the illusion that you're eating well. This doesn't do much for the taste, but at least you aren't hungry anymore.
As a plus, there's also no cleanup needed for a sandwich. You store your fridge and cupboards with the rest of your groceries and [[head to bed.->Screw it, just go to bed.]] You probably still have time this weekend to get some work done on the paper, but it couldn't hurt to get it finished early, right?
At least your work habits have always been consistent, even after high school. (click: "consisent")[Or maybe you are just terrified at the concept of having to go home again. Either way, your GPA is pretty high, and you intend to keep it that way.(click: "intend")[are pretty desperate]]
|offtobed)[You're getting tired. [[You should sleep.->Screw it, just go to bed.]]]
{(live: 5s)
[(show: ?offtobed)
(stop:)]}Sleep is always a good call.
You spend a possibly excessive time in the shower, but you're not too pressed for time this evening.
At least you remembered to make your bed this evening, and it isn't raining anymore. You settle into the sheets and try to sleep, but it's more difficult than expected. That's strange. You've been pretty tired all day, haven't you?
|helloAlex)[
Your phone buzzes on your desk. You frown– people don't contact you often, so you should probably [[check it->AlexText]].]
{(live: 5s)
[(show: ?helloAlex)
(stop:)]}It's a text from an unknown number, but you read it anyways.
*heyy
it's alex, just texting you so that you can get my number in your contacts. hope you're doing ok! i was wondering if you were free some time next week? you're the only one i know in anth526 and we can study together for the midterm.
thanksss*
[[Okay...->respond]]You haven't received an invitation like this since your roommates from first year gave up on trying to drag you out. To be honest, you've forgotten how to respond to these things normally(click-replace: "normally")[at all].
Regardless, it's kind of Alex to invite you like that. You've usually studied alone, but you do remember that having someone to study with can be helpful.
[[Accept his invitation->YesAlex]].
[[Decline his invitation->NoAlex]].(set: $Alex to true)You're a little nervous about this, but it probably can't hurt. After all, it's been a while since you've done anything social, and Alex seems nice enough for this experience to not be too troubling. (click-replace: "a little nervous")[worried]
You pull out a few free time slots from your schedule and spend an unnecessary amount of time writing up a response. Have you really been isolated enough for this to seem like a daunting task? You hope not.
It's late when you send the reply out, and you fall asleep almost immediately [[afterwards.->NoDream]]While you did remember studying with people was effective, you've done fine in the last two years on your own. Alex is nice, but you can't shake the strange feeling in your chest at the thought of genuine social interaction.
Alex had other friends, anyway, and you recall that they aren't doing too badly in the Anthropology course. If they're friendly enough to invite you, they'll be okay with you turning them down. Probably.
You write and send the message quickly. It's late, and you roll over to try and get some [[sleep->Arrested]].The policeman is dragging you upright now, one hand on your arm and the other against the back of your neck. Your face is still burning, a constant prickling against your skin.
You stumble. (click: "stumble")[The policeman mumbles something under his breath and tightens (click: "tightens")[(hard, enough to bruise)] his grip on your arm. He walks you onto one of the streets that you ran from. (click: "streets")[
It's almost empty now. Free of black-clad people, at least, except the group that the police had already caught, and a gaggle of [[journalists]].]]There is no dream that night.
[[Wake up.]]Alex responds to your text, saying that they're free the coming Tuesday afternoon. You make plans to meet them at the library, then go about your routine.
Somehow, you're not as uneasy about this as you were last night. Maybe getting a good night's sleep helped. (click: "helped")[Or maybe you just really haven't had a normal interaction with somebody in way too long.]
You have work this morning, and two afternoon classes. There isn't time left for much other than getting dressed and [[heading out.]]You go to work at the cafe. While Friday mornings are typically some of the busiest, the customers are at least a bit less cranky. Your manager is feeling nice today, and she lets you take a few pastries with you as lunch.
The afternoon classes are nothing out of the ordinary. You get home early enough to get some cleaning and laundry done before heading to bed.
Your nightmares are of the usual type. (click: "usual type") [Faceless men, something burning down your throat and lungs, the crack of a skull on the pavement.]
[[Saturday.]]Something strange sits in your stomach for the entire day. You suppose it's anxiety, though the idea of being anxious about a *study session* seemed ridiculous to you.
You arrive ten minutes before you're due to meet them, and send a quick text to tell them where you are.
They arrive just as you are getting a bit antsy, an iced coffee in hand.
[["Hey."->AlexConvo1]]A year younger and a lot smarter, she goes to school on the other side of this country, where it doesn't snow for 5 months a year.
You were close growing up. Closer than you were now, at least. It's okay. At least she's still in contact with you, and not many other people in your family can lay claim to that.
(if: $Alex is true)[It's a little awkward talking to her, for too many reasons to elaborate on, but you are glad to hear from her [[regardless->Monday.]].](else:)[You don't call her as much as you should. It's probably why she's surprised to hear from you. At least she picked [[up->"Hey...?"]].]"Hey! Sorry I'm a bit late. There was a line at the cafe." they say, settling down across from you and offering a bright grin.
Hesitantly, you smile back. They begin unpacking their materials onto the desk: dog-eared textbooks, brightly-coloured pens, notebooks with crumpled paper sandwiched between the pages, sticker-covered laptop.
You must look quite boring in comparison. (click-replace: "must look")[are]
[["Is there anything we should go over in particular?"->AlexConvo2]]"Yeah." Alex says, punctuating their statement with a nod. They dig through their notebooks until they find the right bunch of papers, passing it to you. "I didn't really understand the Foucault reading we were meant to do earlier - I think she said it wasn't going to be on the test, but I checked the syllabus and it's definitely on there. Do you have any notes on that? Maybe we could go over it together?"
You look at the stapled papers (crumpled, but legible). You definitely made notes on this, but it was long enough ago that you didn't quite remember.
[["I have notes, but I need to look for them."]]
[["I'm not sure. Should we go over it again?"]]"Oh, great!" Alex says, a little loudly. A head or two turns, but nobody comments. They smile conspiratorily. "Sorry. I do this sometimes. It's why Casey and I study at the cafe now."
You find the appropriate folder and open the document (untitled, but the date is close enough to the assignment date). Thankfully, it turns out to be your notes. You turn the screen so Alex can see it.
"Whoa. That's a lot," they reply. You frown, and they hurriedly begins speaking again. "I mean, not that it's bad or anything! I'm just surprised you had so much on it, you know. Most people don't take these short readings too seriously."
[["Thank you. Let's go over this and we can quiz each other later on."->AlexStudy]]"Oh, damn. But to be honest, I don't think anyone else did the reading, either," they reply, a grin lifting the corners of their mouth. "It's okay. We have enough time, don't we?"
You search in your folder for your copy of the reading and lay it out in front of you. It's significantly less creased (and less highlighted).
"You're pretty organised," Alex comments, and you tilt your head slightly. I'm not trying to suck up or anything. I'm just surprised your reading's still in such good condition. It's been, what, three months since we got this?"
[["Yeah. Let's go over this together, and we can make some notes."->AlexStudy]]You're a faster reader than Alex, though Alex synthesises information far better than you do, and together you manage to get through the entire Foucault reading. After that you make it about a third of the way through the rest of the syllabus before Alex is due for their club meeting.
"We should do this again soon. Does Friday evening work for you? We can meet somewhere else, if you don't want to come all the way to campus." Alex asks.
You suggest your apartment, and they agree.
[["See you then."]]You have the morning shift, again, on Wednesday. Thankfully there were no dreams last night. Perhaps social interaction helped with them? Regardless, you feel awake at work for once, and take a croissant with you on the way out without anyone noticing.
There's a pop quiz in one of your afternoon classes. It catches you off guard, and you mentally remind yourself to stop neglecting this class when you study.
In the evening you head to the supermarket again. Thankfully, there are no sirens, so your memory remains intact.
Your nightmares are of the usual type. (click: "usual type")[Is there any real need to describe them anymore? It's all the same.]
[[Thursday.]]The cafe is somehow even busier than usual, and one of your coworkers decided not to show up. It's hectic enough that you're feeling thoroughly drained when you leave your shift for your afternoon classes.
You don't pay much attention to either class. It's okay. You did the reading, and you'll catch up by reading the syllabus.
When you get home you nearly decide to just go to sleep immediately before you realise that Alex is meant to show up.
[[Right.]]Oh well. At least you remembered to clean last night. Hopefully you don't look like too much of a mess?
You don't know if it's weird to offer them dinner, but you also don't know if it's rude not to, so you opt to cook enough for the two of you.
[[Make fried rice.]]
[[Try out some pasta.]]Fried rice is always reliable, with the added bonus of being easy.
Leftover rice from the fridge. Soy sauce. Eggs. Hot dogs. Green onion.
The end result is not burnt, this time. (click-replace: "not burnt")[actually pretty good]
[[Done.->HelloAlex]]Before you came to this country, pasta was considered more of something you went to eat at restaurants rather than something you cooked for a lazy dinner at home.
Pasta is cheap here, though, and you've learned (mostly) how to cook it so that it doesn't taste terrible.
Salt water, boil pasta, add the sauce in.
[[Done.->HelloAlex]]You eat your portion of the meal quickly, putting a lid over the remains in the pan. At least it tastes pretty good. (click-replace: "pretty good")[okay enough that you won't feel embarrassed offering it to a guest]
Instead of washing up, you leave your dishes to soak in the sink. You still have some time to wait before Alex is meant to show up, so you set up your laptop and notes on the dining table and begin going over the syllabus again.
|AlexMaybe)[You hear a knock at the door, but realise it's for your neighbhour. The clock informs you that Alex is late. Oh, well.]
|Alex)[Another knock at the door. You wait for a moment. Another knock, so you stand up and open it.
Alex is standing at the door, their long hair hanging damp in their face. They're holding a container in their hands. Huh. Is it raining? You didn't notice.
[["Hello. Come in."]]]
{(live: 5s)
[(show: ?AlexMaybe)
(stop:)]}
{(live: 12s)
[(show: ?Alex)
(stop:)]}"Hey! I was working with some people on a presentation and didn't realise we ran so late," they say, removing their shoes at the door. (Thankfully without any prompting from you). "Didn't keep you waiting for too long, did I?"
You mumble something presumably dismissive and offer to take their jacket and backpack while they settle at the dining table.
"My roommate made cookies the other day and I brought some," Alex says, gesturing at the container. "Shit, I forgot to ask you if you were allergic to anything. Are you?"
[["No."]]
[["It's okay. I ate already."]]Alex removes the lid from the container and holds it out to you. The cookies are vaguely lumpy and smell very strongly of peanuts.
You take one. It tastes okay, though you were never a big fan of peanut butter. "Thanks."
"They've been sitting in the fridge for a while," they admit with a grin. "But I promise they haven't gone bad yet, probably."
[["Should we get on with studying?"]]"You're the first person I've met who's ever turned down cookies," Alex says, punctuating the statement with a laugh.
You're not sure how to respond, and they notice.
"Don't worry about it. I'm not that hungry, either," they clarify, quickly. Did you really seem that clueless? (click-replace: "clueless")[pathetic.]
[["Should we get on with studying?"]]"Right," Alex says, and settles onto the other chair at your dining table. (click: "dining table")[It's hardly a table, and can probably only really seat four, but it's more than enough for your purposes.]
You watch as they dig out various notebooks and papers from their backpack, then realise that you're staring (click: "staring")[at the way their hair curls around their face] and hurriedly look away.
"I think we were going through criticisms of structuralism last time, right?" they ask, and you nod, pulling up the notes document you made from that reading.
[[It's time to get things done.]]"Wow. This guy really had some messed up ideas about race, didn't he?" Alex says, pointing at a particular quote you've highlighted.
You look at the quote and make a face. Alex laughs.
"Yeah, people in the past said the wildest stuff." they comment.
|Linguistics)[
Alex leans over to look the at the notes you've been puzzling over.
"Oh, we went over this in the linguistics class I'm in, too. I think our anth professor just happened to find the example that made the least sense," they say, and open up document on their computer.
Their explanation is indeed a lot clearer, and you thank them.]
|Memorised)[
"I'm going to forget this stuff as soon as I'm done with this midterm," Alex mumbles. They've been looking at a page of graphs for the past five minutes. "I can't believe we actually have to memorise this."
You think it isn't much, but you don't comment on it.
"Whatever. At least I did pretty well on the paper. And she'll probably curve this midterm." they announce, turning the page.]
|Why)[
The two of you get distracted by conversation halfway through an especially dry reading, and you learn that Alex is a history major.
"Why are you taking this course?" you ask. "It's not required for you major, and this... uh, isn't the easiet course for credits."
"Oh, I just thought it'd be interesting. I don't think there's any point to take boring classes just for credits," Alex replies. "I mean, I guess college is for learning, after all. It isn't just about a degree and a job."
You wince, involuntarily, at that comment. Thankfully, the conversation moves on.]
|Late)[
"Oh shit, it's late," Alex announces. You look at the time on your computer clock. 11:45? How did it get so late? "I should go."
You mumble something in passive agreement. You've spent the last forty minutes chatting, anyways, and you've gone through enough of the syllabus already.
[["I'll walk you down."]]]
{(live: 5s)
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[(show: ?Memorised)
(stop:)]}
{(live: 25s)
[(show: ?Why)
(stop:)]}
{(live: 35s)
[(show: ?Late)
(stop:)]}Alex packs their things quickly. (click-replace: "quickly")[haphazardly] You insist that they keep the container of cookies, and they relent. You grab your jacket off the coathanger and exit the door with them.
It's cold in the hallway, and you shiver inadvertently. Why did you choose such a cold place to go to college? (click: "college")[But you knew the answer, already. There was no other choice. Not really.]
You shiver when you're exposed to the evening air, and Alex turns to look at you.
"Cold?" they ask, and put a [[hand on your shoulder.]] Their eyes are almost luminescent in this light when they lock eyes with you.
You freeze. They don't seem to notice.
Their hand goes up. (click: "goes up")[Across the shoulder. (click: "shoulder")[Against the bare skin of your [[neck.->Arrested]]]]You're marched past the group. It's about a dozen people, all dressed in the signature fluorescent vests. One makes eye contact with you, a short man with glasses on under his full-face respirator, and he shouts at you for your name.
"My name is..." (click: "My name is...")[The policeman claps one gloved hand against your mouth, and you taste something familiar and noxious burning against your tongue.
The journalist shouts something at the policeman you can't hear. You take a deep breath, and bite down on his hand. (click: "bite down on his hand")[
He curses, loudly, and then your field of vision is occupied by a nozzle pointed directly at your face.
The pain [[blinds you.]]]]You're briefly aware of being marched onto a vehicle. The seats are covered in transparent plastic, too cold against your burning skin. There are bars on the windows.
|Bus1)[
There's no comfortable way to sit with your hands cuffed behind your back, and you give up on trying to settle in. Your face still feels as if it's lit on fire.
Nobody is talking.]
|Bus2)[
You still have your phone in your pocket, but there isn't any way to access it. You can't look out the window, either, as the bus starts and stops repeatedly in the evening traffic. There must be someone out there.
But the journalist didn't even catch your name.]
|Bus3)[
The interior of the bus is cold, and you notice that several people around you are shivering. At least you can breathe normally again.
You're exhausted, you realise, and it's more than just a physical sense. Despite the fear running cold in your stomach, you drift off to [[sleep.->bus stop]]]
{(live: 5s)
[(show: ?Bus1)
(stop:)]}
{(live: 15s)
[(show: ?Bus2)
(stop:)]}
{(live: 20s)
[(show: ?Bus3)
(stop:)]}It's a small, windowless room, lit with a flickering fluorescent light.
There isn't much furniture - a table, attached to the ground, and a bench attached to a wall. A policeman is standing there, and he gestures for you to come closer. (click: "closer")[
"I need to search you to ensure that you're not holding anything dangerous on your person," he says, without any emotion in his voice. "Please remove your clothes." (click: "clothes")[
Your shirt comes off, first, then the undershirt you're wearing under it. Both have long since dried against your skin. It still burns when the lycra of your undershirt rubs against it.
It is cold, here. The air-conditioning must be on full blast. The police officer does not look away when you unbuckle your pants.(click: "pants")[
He does not look away, either, when you [[remove what's underneath.]]]]]No. (click-replace: "No.")[You can't do this.] (click-replace: "You can't do this.")[You'd wanted to forget it, but you remembered. Every moment, in excruciating detail.
The smell of his cologne, doing nothing to disguise the sweat.
The way his eyes leered over you, like you were something he was about to purchase at a wet market stall.
The way his hands (click: "hands")[felt] (click: "felt")[on] (click: "on")[your] (click: "your")[skin,] (click: "skin")[snaking] (click: "snaking")[down] (click: "down")[your [[torso]]]]You are awakened by the bus stopping. You don't recognise where you're brought to. At least it still looks like the city.
There are no journalists, and you are removed from the bus along with the dozen of others that you didn't notice until just now. (click: "now")[
They take your handcuffs off, first. Then they take phone, your wallet, your backpack, your shoes. Then they photograph you, and fingerprint you.
All you remember from the online resources you thought you'd committed to memory is that you shouldn't say anything, so you keep your mouth shut.
Eventually, you're brought into another [[room]].]No. (click-replace: "No.")[You can't do this.] (click-replace: "can't")[won't] (click-replace: "You won't do this.")[But you deserved this, didn't you?] (click-replace: "didn't you?")[That's what he said, afterwards.] (click: "afterwards")[
You remember leaving the station on that muggy, humid, afternoon. Your sister in her school uniform - the summer one, still, with short sleeves, her prefect badge pinned near the collar.](click: "collar")[
She bought you a lemon tea and a plastic container of *cheung fan* that was still warm, both from that shop near your primary school that you two used to go to together. She called a taxi even though the fare probably ate up half of the allowance she had for the week.
She asked you so many questions.](click: "questions.")[
You didn't answer any of them. You never did. You barely talked to her after that. Why didn't you? Why didn't you tell her? Why didn't you tell anyone at all? You could've. You knew other people did. It didn't come to much, but there were investigations, and at least it helped the movement, didn't it?](click: "didn't it?")[
Why didn't you fight back? Why were you always so weak, so pliable? Why are you here at all? You've abandoned them. Ran away like everyone you thought you were different from.](click: "you thought you were different from")[
You should've ended it when you had the chance to.](click-replace: "should've ended it when you had the chance to")[have to [[stop->stop.]]]{
(if: $Alex is true)[
"Hey. *Hey*. Is everything okay? Come on, [[look at me.]]"
](else:)[
You wake up.
The clock says it's 2:04 in the morning. You feel as if something is squeezing the air out of your lungs.
Your stomach [[twists.->twists]]
]}You're jolted back into the moment. Alex is looking at you with something unreadable in their eyes. (click-replace: "something unreadable")[a mixture of confusion and concern]
You realise, with a rush of panic to your chest, that there is almost no space between the two of you, and you take a step back.
"I think this is the second time you've zoned out like that." Alex comments, then looks directly at you. "Are you sure you're okay?"
[["Yeah. I'm fine."]]You barely make it to the bathroom before you empty the contents of your stomach into the toilet.
It's been a while since you've had *that* particular nightmare.
You know that should probably drink some water and try to get yourself to sleep again, but cannot will yourself to do either.
[[Great.]]"Really?" Alex says. They run their hands through their hair, pushing it back away from their face. "Because you don't look fine to me."
You search for a response and find none. Shit. (click: "Shit")[
"You're shaking," they comment, and you look down at your hands. You are. "I mean, I'm not going to make you talk if you don't want to. But maybe it'll be easier if you tell someone, and I can listen."
[["I... Are you sure you have time for this?"]]
[["Yeah, you're right. I'm not okay. But I don't want to talk about it. Not now."]]]"I get it," Alex says, and something in his voice made you feel that it was genuine. "I do. I won't make you do anything you don't want to."
You nod, mutely, and turn around to return to the building, but Alex begins to speak again.
"Look, honestly, I don't know what you're going through, but I know it can't be easy," they continue. "You don't have to do this alone. Just think of this as an open offer, okay? I mean, I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I'll listen to whatever you have to say."
[[Their words sounded genuine to you.]]"I don't have anything until the evening tomorrow," Alex replies.
You nod. There is something heavy and faintly cold in your chest, and you turn to return to the building. After a moment, Alex follows. (click-replace: "something heavy and faintly cold")[a feeling of dread]
It's a little awkward, returning to your apartment after having left it about five minutes ago, but neither of you comment on it.
You choose the sofa instead of the dining table this time. Alex sits on the other side of it. You've never seen them so subdued before.
[[Might as well rip off the band-aid.]]"I did some pretty stupid things when I was in high school." (click-replace:
"I did some pretty stupid things when I was in high school")[I got involved in some political things way over my head when I was young] (click-replace: "I got involved in some political things way over my head when I was young.")[I grew up in complicated social circumstances, and I did what most people my age did - get involved in the [[cause]].]"I did a lot of illegal things, and eventually I got arrested. (click: "arrested")[I don't like to talk about it, much, but it wasn't a good experience.] (click: "experience")[My family didn't know I was... politically involved before this, and after my arrest our relationship, uh, became strained.] (click: "strained")[So I'm mostly supporting myself, at this [[point.]]]""It's okay. I mean, I was doing fine. My grades are okay. But sometimes I have these weird dreams.(click-replace: "weird dreams")[*flashbacks*] (click: "flashbacks")[I don't know. I've been mostly ignoring them, I mean, I don't exactly have the spare time (click: "spare time")[or the money] to do something about it. That's all it is. [[Really.]]]""Really." Alex repeats, the first thing they've said since you began to talk.
You stare at the worn grey fabric of the sofa. (click: "sofa")[
"You don't have to downplay this for me, you know," they continue, and you wonder distantly how people can be so perceptive. "But I get it if you don't want to go into details. You don't have to. Just... thank you, for trusting me enough to tell me this."
[["Thank you for listening to me."->"Thank you for listening to me.]]]"No need to thank me. I'm trying to be a decent person, that's all," Alex says, and grins.
When you grin back, it doesn't feel forced any more. (click-replace: "doesn't feel forced any more")[is genuine, this time]
You stand up and walk towards the window. It isn't much of a view, but you can see the street outside. (click: "street outside")[Beyond it, there's the beginnings of the rest of town.
It's not much, compared to the stunning skylines in the city you grew up in. But it's [[something.->least.]]]It's a start. And sometimes, the first step is what counts the most. (click: "most")[
For the first time since you've first arrived here, you allow yourself to hope:
[[Everything will be okay.->Everything will be okay]]]And you're starting to [[believe it]].#Pepper and Smoke
*Thank you for playing.*
[[Play again?->intro]]
(set: $Alex to false) "Thank you," you say, and you mean it. You think Alex can tell, because some of that look lifts away from their face. (click-replace: "that look")[the concern]
"Take care of yourself, okay? And get some sleep," they say, and offer a bright smile. You smile, too, despite yourself. Strangely, it doesn't feel as forced as your other smiles.
You watch them until they [[turn the corner.]]Your apartment is warmer than you remembered, and you settle down onto the sofa. Today had certainly been quite a day. (click: "quite a day")[
Normally, you wouldn't be so functional after something like this. But the talk with Alex had lifted some of that dread from your chest. (click: "talk with Alex")[
You weren't ready to tell them anything yet. But they've offered, and you've admitted that you weren't okay. (click: "you weren't okay")[
It's a lot more than what you'd usually do, at [[least.]]]]]- Vomiting
- Police violence (not overly graphic)
- Mental health problems (nightmares, dissociation, flashbacks)
- Suicidal ideation
- Sexual misconduct/assault
[[Return->intro]].You stand (click-replace: "stand")[force yourself up] from the cold tile floor. You'll have to clean the toilet again, tomorrow.
It's difficult trying to get a drink of water without looking at yourself in the mirror. You mostly manage.
The 4-metre walk from the hallway to your bedroom seems longer than ever. Settling down on your bed, you realise that your sheets are wet. Sweat, probably.
Your [[phone]] is still on the beside table.You dial the number before you realise what you're doing.
It rings.
|ring1)[
One, two rings. It's late, but it couldn't be *that* late where she is, can it?]
|ring2)[
Your finger hovers over the end-call button. Maybe she's getting an early night. You almost never call her, anyways.]
|ring3)[
[["Hey...?"]]]
{(live: 5s)
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{(live: 10s)
[(show: ?ring2)
(stop:)]}
{(live: 15s)
[(show: ?ring3)
(stop:)]}As strange as it is, it's a relief to hear your [[sister]]'s voice.
"How are you *still* awake? You're not drunk or anything, are you?" she asks, and you realise that you haven't said anything yet.
[["No. I had a bad dream."]]
[["May, you know I don't drink."]]"About...?" she asks.
You search for the right words. (click-replace: "search for the right words")[try to make sure your voice won't shake when you speak again]
"Oh," she says. You're reasonably sure you didn't say anything, but you let her continue. "The... the stuff that happened back at home?"
[["Yeah."]]"Yeah, yeah. You never call me unless someone's holding a gun to your head, so I figured you're drunk." she says, and laughs.
You don't retort. (click-replace: "don't")[can't]
"What's up?" she continues, after it becomes clear you aren't going to respond with a joke.
[["I had a bad dream."->"No. I had a bad dream."]]She's quiet, for a while. You hear the the noise of a door opening, then closing.
"Is everything okay?" she asks.
You know how you're meant to answer this question, but she catches you off guard, and you struggle to recall the usual tone of indifference you're meant to respond in.
[["Yeah."->I'mok]]
[["Not really. But I'll be fine."]]"Yeah, right," she scoffs, and you almost feel her roll her eyes through the phone. "You're a terrible liar."
It's annoying, but the familiarity comforts you.
"You never talked to me about it. I mean, what happened," she continues, suddenly. "I'd ask about it and you'd go to your room and close the door."
[["It was none of your business."]]
[["You were a kid. I didn't want to scare you."]]
[["I'm sorry."]]"Hmm. Okay, then," she says, and you know she didn't believe you. That's okay. (click: "That's okay.")[You didn't believe yourself, either.]
You worry at the worn edge of your t-shirt.
"You never talked to me about it, you know," she continues. "What happened to you. I'm sure I asked."
[["It was none of your business."]]
[["You were a kid. I didn't want to scare you."]]
[["I'm sorry."]]The response must've come out a little harsh, but she only laughs.
"I don't know what else I expected from you," she replies. There's no real malice in her words, and you feel something strange in your chest. (click-replace: "something strange")[a stab of guilt] "But I *was* the one who picked you up from the police station. Do you remember that?"
[["Yeah. I do."]]"I'm fourteen months younger than you," she retorts. It's the kind of thing she'd say in arguments, when you were kids and still shared a bedroom.
"We were all kids," she continues, after a silence from your end. "When I came to pick you up, every I saw at that police station were kids. Remember that?"
[["Yeah. I do."]]She's quiet for a moment. You suppose that the apology was unexpected.
"You don't have to say sorry," she tries, and adds, "I mean, I did want you to, but now that you've said it you just sound really sad and now it's kind of awkward."
The silence between the two of you lingers.
"You know, I was the one who picked you up from the police station." she says, "Remember that?"
[["Yeah. I do."]]Neither of you speak, after that.
You did remember it. You didn't remember (click-replace: "didn't remember")[didn't want to remember] the rest of the 48 hours you spent in the holding cell, but you remembered her.
She was still wearing her school uniform and carrying her kit bag when she came to pick you up from the station.
[["How did you find me, anyway?"]]"I'm not as dumb as you think," she says, almost instantly.
You laugh. It's almost genuine. She joins in, after a pause.
"No, seriously. I knew you thought nobody knew you were going off to those things every weekend, but I did. And I kept on top of the news- just to stay safe, I guess," she continues. "And I saw a picture of you on one of those arrestee channels."
*[[Oh.]]*"Yeah," she says. "I thought I was seeing things, too. I mean, it was scary at the time, but now it's really just..."
She trails off, and you don't press her.
"I don't know. It's been a pretty awkward couple of years," she says, any trace of amusement gone from her voice. "I knew mum and dad would be mad, but I didn't know they'd be... well, this awful about all of this."
[["You couldn't have known."]]
[["You did the best you could."]]A pause.
"I mean, yeah. I guess you're right. I don't know. It just feels so wrong now, looking back on things," she says, "I could've done so much more for you, for... everything, but I was more worried about getting a new phone. It's just... I did some pretty stupid things, and now you're..."
[["It's okay."]]"I could've done a lot more," she says.
You try to respond, but she begins talking again before you can react.
"I was more worried about my allowance than making sure you didn't get *disowned*," she comments. "I mean, even now... I've never talked back at them, never told them about you. All because I want to make sure I still get college paid for."
[["It's okay."]]"Is it?" she asks.
You repeat the question to yourself. Is it okay? (click: "Is it okay?")[Are you okay?
After she'd brought you home for the police station, you two never spoke about this again. But it's been years. (click: "it's been years.")[
It's been years, and you're tired of dancing around her calls, exchanging silly pleasantries that meant [[nothing.]]]]You're tired of pretending to live.
The phone is warm against your face. You take a deep breath, and [[begin speaking.]]"I'm sure you've seen it on the news, but a lot of... weird (click-replace: "weird")[bad] things happened to people like me, and I didn't [[escape any of it.]]" "I don't think I want (click-replace: "I want")[I'm ready] to get into details about it, but... it's hard to forget some of it, I guess. (click-replace: "some of it")[this kind of... trauma] (click: "I guess")[
I get these dreams (click-replace: "dreams")[flashbacks] sometimes. I know I should see someone, but... I don't know. It's [[difficult.]]"]"And, look, May. I don't hate you. I really don't. I owe you for what you did. But... talking to you, it reminds me of everything I want to forget. (click-replace: "forget")[bury]. I'm working on it, but it's... [[I'm sorry.]]" "Don't apologise," she says, firmly, and you bite back another apology.
It's her turn to struggle with words. You're patient about it.
"I guess this is all a lot to process, for the both of us. And you're right: it takes time." she continues, "But... thank you. I'm glad we've talked about this. I know it isn't everything, but it's a start. And that's better than nothing, [[right]]?" After you hang up the call, you lie back in the bed and allow yourself to reflect on her words.
She's certainly grown up a lot. But then again, you have, too. It's what time (click: "time")[and trauma] does to people.
The conversation was not the one you were expecting, nor the one you had planned to have. There was still so much you haven't told her, after all. But she was right.
It's a start. And if it wasn't a particularly good one, it's [[something, at least->least.]].You're much more tired than you realise.
And anyways, you still have work tomorrow morning.
{(if: $Alex is true)[[[Time for bed->AlexDream]].
](else:)[[[Time for bed->MayDream]].
]}You don't get the chance to come here very often, and it's too warm for this climb to be feasible most days of the year, but it was always lovely when you could visit. (click: "visit")[
This isn't a viewing area – you're only halfway up the mountain, after all – but there is a small clearing by the trail, and the boulders offer a nice vantage point.
You manage to climb on top of one without much difficulty. It's a clear day, today, and you take a moment to survey the [[view->view.]].]This place is a bit cold, so late at night, but this has always been your favourite part of campus. (click: "favourite part of campus")[
The observatory is old, old enough to be obsolete, but they never demolished it. It's mainly used to hold viewings and talks, now, but you aren't supposed to come here on the weekdays.
It's okay. They never lock the front door, anyways.
[[Climb the stairs up to the roof.]]]It's a clear night. Not cloudless - that usually only happened in the summer or the dead of winter, but pretty decent, for the season.
You hoist yourself onto the low wall on the side of the roof and let your legs dangle down. Below you is the grassy hill that the observatory sits on, then, beyond that, the road that lead back to what remains of the campus.
This was the first place you saw so many [[fireflies]] at the same time.The vista isn't as impressive as it would be if you were higher up the mountain, but you like this one better.
You can see the rest of the country park here, forested hills wrapping around the two resevoirs. Beyond that lay the dense apartments that dominated most of the city, small enough to look like dominoes.
Those apartments were unfamiliar to you, but you [[knew the streets that ran beneath them.]]Tiny dots of light, too many to count, flickering in the tall grass and woodlands beyond.
People thought it was funny, how surprised you were to see them for the first time.
You still lose track of time watching them, sometimes, and you allow yourself to look at them weave paths through the night until [[a voice distracts you]]."Nice hangout," your sister says. "Mind if I join you?"
You turn around and see her, leaning against the doorway to the roof. She's underdressed for this weather, but she's never minded the cold. (click: "the cold")[She'd probably have suited this place better than you.
You beckon her over, and she hoists herself up besides you.
[["Lovely night, isn't it?"]]]"Yeah," she says.
A breeze rustles through the air. You shiver, a little, but she doesn't seem to notice.
It's strange seeing the campus so late at night. Far enough away to be unable to make out human figures, but close enough to watch an occasional light or two flickering off in the lab buildings.
"Hey. You know what this star is called?" she asks, pointing at a spot in the sky. You look up.
[["That's a planet, not a star."]]"Oh. Dammit," she says, and smiles. You see a flash of metal. Braces? You're pretty sure she got them off before she left home, though. "How can you tell?"
"It doesn't flicker. Stars do," you reply. (click: "Stars do,")[
You couldn't really *see* stars, where you came from, so being here for the first few times was a change of pace. While you were never very good at stargazing, you enjoyed it anyhow.
"What planet is it?" she asks.
[["Oh. Saturn, I think?"]]]"Saturn, with the rings. I think Saturn - the God, I mean - is the same as Cronus, right? Or the Roman ripoff of Cronus," she comments.
You don't know enough to prove her wrong, so you nod, and add, "God of time."
"I think he was also something else, though. God of weatlh, agriculture..." she says, then pauses. "Oh, and liberation." (click: "Oh, and liberation.")[
"Liberation? Like, being free?" you ask.
[["Yeah. Exactly like that."->Good morning.]]]You wake up a long time before your alarm.
You can't recall much of your dream anymore, now that you're awake, but it didn't matter. (click: "didn't matter")[You knew it was a nice one, the first nice one you've had in a long time.]
The sun's beginning to rise outside, and you sweep the curtain aside to [[look]].You try not to dwell so hard on those memories. After all, it's hard *not* to see every street in this city with double vision. (click: "double vision")[
One layer: A narrow street, lined with restaurants and shops, a minibus stop on one side and traffic lights on the other. Several students waiting for the bus, sharing fishballs out of a plastic container.
Another layer: A narrow street. All restaurants and shops shuttered, grafitti on their metal shutters. No buses stop here. The traffic light is smashed. Several students dressed in black, with respirators and helmets on.
You're distracted from your reminiscing by a [[voice below you.]]][[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/cFvXbfY.jpg" width="523" height="348
" alt="mongkok police station, august 17th 2019">->end]]"Hey!" Alex calls out. "You're pretty high up. Mind if I join you?"
They're standing at the base of the rock, dressed in the same bright colours you're accustomed to seeing them in. (click: "accustomed")[It's strange, how fast you seemed to have gotten used to their presence. You didn't mind.]
You point out the handholds you used to climb up, and they settle down besides you a moment later, with a grin.
[["What do you think of the view?"]]"It's nice. Kind of peaceful, don't you think?" Alex replies. "The city's so vibrant when you're down there, but from up here, everything's quiet."
You nod. You've always liked this part about your city - the fact that you can go from an urban cityscape to densely-jungled hills in less than half an hour.
"It's pretty cool how all these mountains kind of form a long line," they say, gesturing in front of them.
[["Yeah. These mountains were part of the defence line they used, when the Japanese invaded. The defence didnt work very well - they took over this place in a night." ->Japanese]]"Really?" Alex asks, and you nod. "It's kind of crazy to think about that. Like, not so long ago, people fought and died on these mountains, but now it's just... quiet." (click: "quiet")[
There were still relics of the war everywhere, if you knew where to look. Underground tunnels sealed in by the rain, bunkers and pillboxes lost to vegetation.
It's true, though. Looking at the ruined concrete, it's difficult to imagine that people ever died there.
[["I guess everyone's forgotten. It's so long ago, anyways."]]]"I don't think so," Alex says.
They're quiet for a moment, but you don't interrupt.
“I think everyone's just moved on. You can't forget something like that. Not really." they continue, their eyes still on the horizon. "I guess with time you can forget the details of what happened, but you can't just reverse the way these things changed you." (click: "changed you.")[
"What's the difference between fogetting and moving on?" you ask.
"Forgetting's throwing something away. Burying it," Alex answers, without heistation. "Moving on is [[learning how to live with it.->Good morning.]]"]It never was much of a view, showing only the streets outside and a little of the town, but from above these roofs you can watch the sunrise. (click: "sunrise")[
You know that nothing much has changed, despite the admissions you made last night. You're still you, and the town is still the town, yet something feels different. (click: "different")[
It's not much. But it's a [[start->start.]].]]Template by (link: "storkvomit")[(goto-url: 'https://storkvomit.itch.io/')], thank you for your resource pack.
Thank you for playtesting:
@pawseds (Twitter/Instagram)
@DocNum4 (Twitter)
@EuphCat
+ two other friends (BB & J) :)
And, as always, I owe my city (and the people in it) an infinite amount of gratitude. 香港人加油，萬事小心。
[[Return->about]]Sunday mornings are at the cafe, as usual. It's less busy than Saturday, but you mix up orders anyways. Maybe you're getting a bit tired. At least the manager doesn't seem to notice.
Alex runs into you when you're on the way to the library. They greet you, and you try to respond with the same level of enthusiasm. It doesn't work too well, but they don't comment on it.
Time passes oddly in the library. You edit your paper and just as you submit it the PR system announces that the library is closing.
Your dreams are strange. (click: "strange")[The sort that you can't remember, but leaves your brain feeling like sludge.]
[[Monday.]]Saturday means most of your day at work. It's abnormally busy for a weekend, though you suspect it's probably because of midterms. You mess up a few orders. Nobody notices.
You spend the afternoon tutoring at the student centre. Riley (your ex-roommate, and a student government representative) asked you to do this at the beginning of the year. You didn't mind. It got you out of the apartment.
In the evening you finish off your paper and send it to the TA for feedback.
You're too tired to remember if you had any dreams.
[[Sunday]]Your morning class's professor cancels the class, so you have time to yourself. Your [[sister]] calls you around mid-morning. The conversation is short, as usual.
You're feeling well enough to cook yourself lunch, and you head to your afternoon classes early. Your final class of the day is a politics one, the sort where several students dominate the class with their arguments. Today's lesson is on protest movements outside the western world.
You excuse yourself halfway through the lesson and return to your apartment.
You don't remember your dream, though it's likely that you don't want to remember them anyway.
[[Tuesday.]] You wake up before your alarm. This is happening more and more often these days. Alex is in your morning class, and they greet you with the usual enthusiasm. You realise, strangely, that you are happy to see them.
Work is the same drudge it always is. Alex and their friends don't show up to study today, but groups rivalling them in raucousness occupy most of the cafe anyways. Someone spills an iced chai all over the floor. Your manager just sighs.
She lets you leave earlier. You realise, belatedly, that someone will actually be in your apartment tomorrow, and spend time (click-replace: "spend time")[stay up too late] cleaning.
Your dreams are messy. You wake up with blood in your mouth and a cut on the inside of your lips.
[[Friday.]]