Awkward conversation

<center><h3>Awkward Conversation in an Elevator Simulator 2020</h3></center> <center>[[Begin.]]</center>

<h4> You snap back into reality...</h4> You've been stood in this elevator for what feels like hours and it's only gone down two floors! When will [[management]] fix this piece of crap? - [[Look in the box you're carrying.]] - [[Keep waiting in silence.]] - [[Tut audibly at no-one in particular.]] - [[Look at your reflection.]] (set: $prior to "Begin")

Your boss looks at you from across his desk with a look of pity. Pity and contempt. That's a look you're used to seeing from most people in your life. You're not quite sure where it all went wrong. //"I'm not quite sure where you went wrong,"// says your boss. - [[At birth.]] - [[When Dad died.]] - [[I'm not wrong you are!]] (set: $prior to "death")

You stay silent. You've always been good at that. Maybe if you stay silent for long enough you'll eventually fade into the ether. Become a [[nothing->At birth.]]. That'd be nice. - [[Hold your breath as breathing is a sign of existence.]] (set: $prior to "for breath")

//"Tut,"// you say to an empty elevator. You say it with real conviction, as well. A primal tut, as it were. For a moment, you swear you heard a secondary //"Tut,"//. But this //tut// did not come from your lips. This was a tut from another...but there's nobody here. Maybe the universe is equally as disappointed in you as you are in it. [[The doors open.]] (set: $prior to "tut")

You stare into the smeared walls of the elevator. A pale, gaunt creature stares back: eyes bloodshot and hair thinning. There's a red speck on your collar. You try to scratch it off but it won't budge. You attempt a smile. A row of [[coffee-stained teeth]] reveal themselves between your cracked, dry lips. It takes more effort than your remember. (text-style: "smear")[A sorry excuse for a human being.] [[The doors open.]] (set: $prior to "reflect")

Everything was so peaceful before. It was glorious. Nothing to do. Nothing to say. Nothing to think. Just nothing. But then your mum and dad just had to go and fuck, didn't they? And you came out kicking and screaming. //"Huh. Weird looking kid, isn't it?"// says the doctor. (if: $prior is "death")[- [[My existence is meaningless.->Reality.]]](if: $prior is "for breath")[- [[Mmm. Good stuff.->Keep waiting in silence.]]] (set: $prior to "end")[- [[Oh no. Not again.->Reality.]]]

You're angry. (text-style: "rumble") [<h4> You're so bloody angry!</h4>] How dare this guy talk to you like that! <h2>[[Are you gonna just lie down and take that?]]</h2>

"Jesus Christ, that's dark" you think to yourself. Dad's not even dead, he's just an arsehole. Do you wish him dead? - (link: "Yeah, totally")[That's fucked up, man.] - [[No, no of course not, haha.->Reality.]]

The doors open. A very smartly dressed man enters carrying a briefcase. He looks like he's here for an important meeting. An important man for an important meeting. (if: $prior is "breath")[//"Are you alright?"// he asks, clearly not wanting a response.](if: $prior is "tut")[//"Did you just tut at me?"// says The Man.](if: $prior is "reflect")[//"Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting?"// says The Man. He's clearly a bit put-off by you gurning at a mirrored wall like that.] Quick, you need to make a good impression! {(if: $prior is "breath")[- [[Hold your breath again.]]]}{(if: $prior is "tut")[- [[Tut at him. ]]]}{(if: $prior is "reflect")[- [[Ask if you've got something in your teeth.]]]} - [[Pretend to look at your phone.->Check your phone.]] <audio src="https://www.jacobwelby.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Passenger-Elevator-Bell-Ring-with-Doors-Opening.mp3" autoplay>

Yes. Yes, you are. [[Oh, okay...->Reality.]]

You take a deep gulp of air and then...you hold... (live: 2s)[And hold.] (live: 4s)[And hold.] {(live: 5s)[ (text-style: "shudder")[And hold.] ]} {(live: 7s)[ [[Before passing out.->The doors open.]] ]} (set:$prior to "breath")

You hold your breath once more...for some reason. This time, it barely takes 10 seconds before you feel faint. The man watches you with a look of pity and contempt. Big deal. Who does this guy think he is? //"If you keep doing that, you'll die,"// says the man. - [[Oh yeah? We'll see about that!->Death]] - [[He's right. You're not even sure why you're still doing this. Is it a cry for help? Can this guy help you? Does he know that you're in this much pain? Is he God?->Check your phone.]]

//"Tut,"// you say again, like the renegade you are. Sure, you don't know whether The Man deserves your righteous fury but he'll be getting it anyway! //"Tut,"// you say.//"Tut, tut, tut,"// there's no stopping you! [[Tut again.]]

You turn your head to The Man. The corners of your lips have drooped causing your smile to turn into toothy sneer. //"Got something in mah teef?"// you say. //"wh...what?"// says The Man, trying to shuffle out the elevator...but it's too late. The door have closed. He's stuck in here with you. - [[Your phone buzzes.->Check your phone.]]

=><= </style> <img src=https://www.jacobwelby.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/iphone-sh9x.png> </div> [[Hmm. A joke...]] <audio src="https://www.jacobwelby.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/iPhone-Notification-Vibrate-Sound-Effect.mp3" autoplay>

=><= (colour: red)[<h2>You're Dead</h2>] Yeah, bet you didn't expect to be able to die in this game. Well you can. Are you kind of relieved? It's over. It's all over. [[Be reborn.->At birth.]] (set: $prior to "death")

<b>It burns. It burns so good.</b> Let's not beat around the bush. You've poured a tin of coffee granules into a kettle, turned the kettle on and are now guzzling black coffee straight from the kettle spout. Is this a breakdown. Are you having a breakdown? //What are you doing?"// asks your boss. His voice filled with pity and contempt. This isn't the first time he's caught you in a compromising position. Remember the [[fist fight with a rubber plant?]] He rubs the back of his neck, trying to avoid eye contact.//"Come to my office,"// he says. - (if: $prior is "reflect")[[[Why dwell on the past?->Look at your reflection.]]] (if: $prior is "difficult")[[[I don't see what the problem is?->What?]]]

You punched a rubber plant. What more do you want me to say? - [[I don't know what I was expecting.->coffee-stained teeth]]

A few neurons in your brain scream into life. Synapses flash...well, they create a dull glow. There must be a joke in the grey matter somewhere. You must have heard something funny at some point in your life! //"Oh...I got one..."// - //[["Why did the chicken cross the road?"]]// - //[["Knock, knock..."]]// - //[["Do you like prop comedy?"->Look in the box you're carrying.]]// (set: $prior to "Comedy")

You tut again but this time it feels forced. You try too hard to be 'the quirky one' and it clearly makes people feel uncomfortable. The Man is trying to back out of the elevator but it's too late. The doors are closed and he doesn't look happy. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be anywhere near you. There must be some way to salvage this. - [[Keep tutting.]] - [[Pretend to look at your phone like a normal human being.->Check your phone.]]

You puff out your chest, lift up your chin, straighten your back. //"Why did the chicken cross the road?"// you ask, barely stifling a giggle. //"I don't know. I don't care,"// says The Man, looking at his phone. - [[Go on, tell him. Tell him why the chicken crossed the road.]]

//"Knock, knock",// you say. That crooked smile back on your face. The one that looks more like a sneer. The man looks at you with disdain. You're disrupting his day, reminding him of all the hurt in the world. //"I don't have time for this,"// he says, looking at his phone. - //[["Knock. Knock."]]//

The Man looks at you with an abject horror. His mouth is hung low, eyes wide and pale faced. It's safe to say this conversation is not going well. You've made a very poor impression. //"Please, I'm just here for a meeting..."// he stutters. You see him subtly reach for his phone. - //[["Meeting? What meeting?"]]// - [["Who you calling?"]] - [[Snatch the phone from him.]]

The man does his best to not acknowledge you, staring intently at his phone. However, his body language gives his feelings away. Feet turned away, shoulders hunched, eyes pretending that they're not watching, hands in pockets (probably fiddling for some keys to use as a impromptu weapon). - //[["I said, knock, knock."]]//

The man still doesn't look up, but he yields his attention. A unimpressed voice comes from his mouth //"Who's there?"// - //[["Cow says."]]//

He finally looks up at you and you notice that there is fear twinkling in his eyes. //"Cow says who?"// he asks. - //[["No, you stupid idiot. Cow says..."]]//

(text-style: "shudder")+(text-colour: "#660000")+(text-style: "bold")[<h3>[[MOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOoOOO OOOOooOOOoOooOOOoo OOoOoOoOOooooOO OOOoOOOOoOO OO OoOOO OoOOoOOO OOOoOoOoOO OOOOOoooOO OOOooOOOOoo OOOooooOOOOOOO OoooOOOooOO OOOOO OOOOoooo.->He's terrified.]]</h3>] <audio src="https://www.jacobwelby.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Cow-moo_02.wav" autoplay>

You look down at the wilted cardboard box. There are several items inside, they include: +[[A framed photo.]] +[[A cactus.]] +[[The remains of a stress ball.]] +[[A fancy pen.]] (if: $prior is "Begin")[[['Stuff' is just a capitalist concept.->Reality.]]](if: $prior is "spill")[- [[nothing worth saving->"I'm so fucked up."]]] (if: $prior is "Comedy")[Wow, there's such good opportunities for comedy in this box! - [[Eat the photo.->He's terrified.]] - [[Eat the cactus.->He's terrified.]] - [[Eat the stress ball.->He's terrified.]] - [[Eat the pen.->He's terrified.]]]

The chicken crossed the road to get to work. He had to work so he could afford to live, but then his wife left and hi s bos s tri ed to fire him - [[Wait for applause. ->He's terrified.]]

</style> <img src=https://www.jacobwelby.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/couple-1.jpg> </div> A beautiful couple stand on a sun-soaked beach with big grins on their face. You don't recognise them. - [[Must be a stock photo.->Look in the box you're carrying.]]

Somehow this cactus looks dehydrated. It's body is knawed and mangled having faced some kind of [[trauma]]. When was the last time you watered it? - [[Cacti don't need watering!->Look in the box you're carrying.]]

The wet, exploded remains of a stress ball is slopped in the corner of the box. - [[It's wet with saliva->Look in the box you're carrying.]]

A gorgeous steel pen with a deep blue hue. Both modern, yet timeless. It has a top that makes a satisfying //click// when you press down on it. Printed on the side are the words: =><= (font:"Impact")[<b>Killgore Insurance</b>] (text-style: "subscript")[//Life or death - it's all the same to us!//] <==> - [[Why is there white goo on the tip?->Look in the box you're carrying.]]

SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM - [[No, not now.->A cactus.]]

You offer up another //"tut,"// but The Man pretends he can't hear you. Your attempt at being rebellious has not furthered your social standing in this elevator. This is so embarassing, you could die. Like, literally die. No, seriously, you could die. It's your last chance to salvage this disaster. - [[Tell a joke! Everybody loves a joke.->Hmm. A joke...]] - [[Tut like the rebel you are.->Death]]

It all started with music. Shitty, shitty music... - [[Make it stop!->Reality.]] <script> var audio = document.createElement('audio'); audio.src = 'https://www.jacobwelby.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Elevator-Music-nearly-10-minutes.mp3'; audio.loop = true; audio.play(); </script>

//"I'm...I'm here for a job interview,"// says The Man, casting his gaze away from your unsightly figure. A sharp pain plants itself behind your eyeball. It feels like someone's taken a drill to your skull. //"Job...interview...for...what?"// you ask. //"Just a [[system administrator]] role..."// he says. - [[That's my job!]]

The Man tries hiding the phone behind him. //"Oh, nobody,"// he says. But it's too late. You've already sussed him out. He's calling his friend! You bet he's got lots of them: cool friends, quirky friends, film buff friends, LGBTQ friends, guy friends, girl friends. All the friends. And you hate him for it. You hate how effortlessly normal he is. How has this guy managed to live a life where <b>he</b> gets friends and meetings and you don't? - //[["I'm so fucked up."]]// - [[Snatch the phone from him.]]

You lunge towards him and grab his wrist. "Help!" he yelps as you rip the phone from his clammy hands. He tries to snatch it back but you push him against the wall. //"Hello? What's your emergency?"// asks the phone. ==> //"I'm lonely."// <== //"Is this some kind of joke?"// ==> //"If it is, it's not a very funny one."// <== //"You got that right."// =><= - [[Snap the phone.]]

The world turns blurry as tears fill your eyes. You let go of the box you [[were holding->Look in the box you're carrying.]] and it's contents spill out onto the floor. //"I've got nothing. Nothing at all...except for this,"// you say, waving your arms around the elevator. //"After this moment, it's all going to change, isn't it?"// you continue. - [[Change is good. Let it happen.->That's my job!]] - [[I don't want things to change! I like how they are!]] (set: $prior to "spill")

You sweat and grunt as you attempt to snap the phone in half. It doesn't budge. You're too weak. //"Please, can I just have it back?"// he asks as he timidly holds his hand out. //"No!"// you snarl as you continue to attempt to snap it in half. "I need it for my job interview!" he says. - [[Job Interview?->system administrator]]

=><= //<h3>"I'm sorry but we're going to have to (text-style: "fade-in-out")[let you go],"</h3>//. - [[What?]]

<u>System Administrator</u> <b>£17k - £19k</b> This is an opportunity to join a rapidly growing Managed IT Service provider. Offering exceptional professional development opportunities, free training, a modern and relaxed working environment, and a friendly, people focused culture. The ideal candidate should be: <li>Cowardly <li>Subservient <li>Unquestioning <li>Backstabbing - [[That's my job!]]

This is the perfect moment. Two strangers in an elevator. No past or future, just the present. No expectations, just waiting. Why would you ever want to leave? Once the doors open, it's all over for you. That's not going to happen. Instead, you push The Man out of the way and hit the big red button on the control panel. The emergency brakes kick into gear. Both of you stumble as the elevator screeches to a stop. - [[Enjoy the moment.]]

You remember what your old therapist used to tell you. You need to appreciate the small moments. You're too busy, rushing around all the time. You close your eyes and take a long, deep inhale. (text-style: "fade-in-out")[<b><i>Enjoy the moment.</b></i>] //"Please, let me go! I'm late for a job interview!"// says The Man. - [[Job interview?->system administrator]]

=><= <h3>//"Listen, I do feel bad for ya'. Really I do. I know things have [[been difficult->coffee-stained teeth]]...but I can't keep making excuses for you."//</h3> - //[["Please, I need this job. It's all I've got!"]]//(set: $prior to "difficult")

=><= <h3>//"Sorry, the decision has been made."//</h3> - //[["You'll regret this."]]//

=><= <h3>//"See? It's shit like that. You can't go round saying this stuff. Nobody feels comfortable around you? Did you know that?"//</h3> - //[["I've got friends..."]]//

=><= <h3>//"Okay, well, you haven't got any in here. Pack up your stuff, you gotta be out in an hour."//</h3> - //[["You mean...you're not my friend?"]]//

=><= <h2>//"No."//</h2> - [[I feel cold.]]

You feel very far away. It's like your watching your life on a very small, very old telly. You see your boss sat in the desk in front of you. He looks like a bad guy from one of those black & white movies you used to watch. //"You'll never have any friends here,"// he snarls. - [[Stab him in the eye with the fancy pen.->Moving on]] - [[Make him choke on the stress ball.->Moving on]] - [[Smash his face with a cactus.->Moving on]]

<h4> You snap back into reality...</h4> The elevator screeches to a halt and the doors open. Your journey is over. A dozen armed police officers fill the hallway in front of you. Several of them look at you with surprise. You step out of the elevator. The elevator that is painted red. Sticky, sticky red. You grab the nearest officer and put your arms round him. - [["Will you be my friend?"->At birth.]] (set: $prior to "end")