Nowhere to Go

[align center] **Nowhere to Go**\ by Amy Clare Fontaine {embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/9Lf5XyGUCPM', alt: 'empty rooms with floors covered in sand'} [continue] [[Begin]]

You're alone in your studio apartment, as you've been every day for six months. Your cabin fever is so bad you've bitten your fingernails down to the cuticles. Dumped the unwanted contents of your closet into countless plastic bags, which languish in a heap in the corner because you can no longer take them to the thrift store. Repainted the walls five times, five different shades of blue. You would go to the door, but there's no point. There's nowhere to go. [[Go to the window]]\ [[Go to the desk]]\ [[Go to the closet]]\ [[Go to the kitchen]]\ [[Go to the bathroom]]\ [[Go to your bed]]

You go to the window and look out. People in masks pass by. You are not well. It is not safe for you to go outside. You start to open the window, to let a trickle of air rush in. Then you panic and close it again. Suck in a deep breath that borders on a sob. There's nowhere to go. [[Back->Begin]]

Your laptop sits atop your desk, along with a cluttered pile of notes from work. On the underside of the desk, there's a sliding drawer. [[Open the laptop]]\ [[Look at the notes]]\ [[Open the drawer]]\ [[Back->Begin]]

You go to your bed, even though it already took so much effort to crawl out of it once today. It pulls you like a planet's gravitational field. [[Hide under the covers]]\ [[Open the journal on your bedside table]]

You stare at your overflowing hamper and sigh. You haven't done laundry in over a month. But what would be the point? You're not going anywhere. Your gaze wanders to the cardboard boxes of mementos stacked on the floor of the closet. [[Think about what a horrible, lazy person you are->Mentally abuse yourself]]\ [[Load the contents of the hamper into the laundry basket]]\ [[Open one of the boxes]]

You don't remember what time it is. Have you eaten yet today? You don't know. You almost don't care. You feel a delirious sort of numbness, a detachment from your body and its needs. Eating is overrated. It'll just prolong your existence in this troubled world. Why nourish yourself for a day that requires no energy or effort? After all, there's nowhere to go. [[Eat junk food]]\ [[Drink some coffee]]\ [[Down the vodka in your fridge]]\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Fix a healthy meal]]

The eerie blue light of your computer screen bathes your face. [[Go on social media]]\ [[Look up the news]]\ [[Check your email]]\ [[Close the laptop->Go to the desk]]

The drawer contains your old sketchbook, a box of crayons, a few pencils, and a handheld sharpener. The sight of the art supplies makes you wince. [[Open the sketchbook]]\ [[Close the drawer->Go to the desk]]

You rifle through the coffee-stained stack of papers, sighing wearily. Even though you're off the clock right now, your job's latest stressors haunt you. A long, miserable Monday awaits you tomorrow. [[Ruminate on your recent performance evaluation]]\ [[Brainstorm new innovations to improve client satisfaction and retention rates]]\ [[Cruise job boards online]]

The world is a mess, as usual. The virus is claiming lives. Politicians argue while children starve. An island of plastic floats on the ocean like a corpse. [[Read more news]]\ [[Look up charities]]\ [[Do something else->Open the laptop]]

You check your email. No new messages. You feel both relieved and sad. [[Back->Open the laptop]]

You stare at your reflection in the mirror: bloodshot eyes, messy hair. A naked tree in autumn, easily buffeted by the wind. [[Back->Begin]]

You log onto social media. Everyone seems happier and more successful than you. Or they are angry about things they can't control. There's a private message waiting for you from an old friend. But does she really care about you, or is it just an automatic invite to play some mindless game? Or perhaps even a chain letter? [[Keep scrolling]]\ [[Open the private message]]\ [[Do something else->Open the laptop]]

People are online, but they don't see you. They only see themselves: raising cute children, getting advanced degrees, consuming picturesque breakfasts and caffeinated drinks that look like still-life paintings from some gallery. You wonder about the brokenness behind their carefully crafted stories. But you can't see it, so you just feel worse about yourself. The laundry you've left undone. The painful deficit of romance in your day-to-day drudgery. [[Keep scrolling->Keep scrolling 2]]\ \ \ \ \ \ 🙃\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ 🙃\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Do something else->Open the laptop]]

All these people with their picture-perfect lives and selfish screeds. Would they care if you disappeared forever? To most of them, you are probably just a hazy memory. A name from a yearbook, sallow like a ghost. They only keep you in their virtual circles in the vain hope of somehow boosting their likes and shares. To them, you are just another data point. [[Keep scrolling->Keep scrolling 3]]\ \ \ \ \ \ 🙃\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ 🙃\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Do something else->Open the laptop]]

Storm clouds roil through your brain. You hate this, your weakness, the mental laziness that glues you to your screen. But it's easier to get sucked into a virtual world than to face the harsh truths about yourself: all that wasted potential, all that lost time. Your mind goes numb. You scroll through your feed like some drugged-out rat, descending through the circles of digital hell. You wish you were stronger, able to do something more with your life. But there's nowhere to go. [[Keep scrolling->Keep scrolling 4]]

**~The End~**

The world is a bleak, unhappy place. Wars are being fought. Species are going extinct. Powerful, successful men in various fields keep abusing their privilege in the workplace, bullying those who are different. Cops brutalize innocent people based on the color of their skin. [[Read more news->Read more news 2]]\ [[Look up charities]]\ [[Do something else->Open the laptop]]

You want to help heal the pain of this world, not just witness it like some rubbernecker at a car crash. You may be just one person, but every day grants you new opportunities to change the future. [[Look up environmental charities]]\ [[Look up civil rights charities]]\ [[Look up animal welfare charities]]

Your chest tightens. Tears spring to your eyes as compassion fatigue overwhelms you. There are too many problems across the globe, and you are just one person. You can't reshape your society all alone. You close your laptop. Hunched over your desk, you bury your face in your hands and sob, unable to bear the weight of this messy, broken planet by yourself. You wish you lived in a better world. But you don't. And there's nowhere to go. **~The End~**

You research [[organizations->https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=6890]] that fight to protect our fragile, beautiful planet and its biodiversity. You find three charities whose missions and methods speak to you in a special way, and you donate to their causes. Then you sign a few petitions that promote the wellness of our Earth. {embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/yEauzeZU6xo', alt: 'Planet Earth'} You feel so much better afterwards. Your heart glows with pride. You may still be alone, but you don't feel like it anymore. Today, you're glad to be alive. **~The End~**

You research [[organizations->https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=5204]] that fight for equity, increased opportunities, and a better quality of life for all peoples. You find three charities whose missions and methods speak to you in a special way, and you donate to their causes. Then you sign a few petitions that promote human rights and welfare. {embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/AEaTUnvneik', alt: 'happy children'} You feel so much better afterwards. Your heart glows with pride. You may still be alone, but you don't feel like it anymore. Today, you're glad to be alive. **~The End~**

You research [[organizations->https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=search.results&cgid=1&cuid=2]] that protect and rescue animals that live alongside humans and grant them better lives. You find three charities whose missions and methods speak to you in a special way, and you donate to their causes. Then you sign a few petitions that promote greater kindness toward animals in society. {embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/K8JxScoZb4A', alt: 'man holding puppy'} You feel so much better afterwards. Your heart glows with pride. You may still be alone, but you don't feel like it anymore. Today, you're glad to be alive. **~The End~**

You open the sketchbook. As a kid, you loved to draw. Then you realized how bad you are at it. You've tried a few times since then, but your anxiety and self-doubt always cripple you in the end. [[Put the sketchbook away->Go to the desk]]\ [[Draw a circle]]

Your circle looks lopsided and stupid. You are terrible at this. [[Put the sketchbook away->Go to the desk]]\ [[Keep drawing]]

The gulf between your captivating vision and the malformed lump with which you have sullied this beautiful page brings you to tears. You love artists, are jealous of artists. You are not an artist; you're a fake. This is hideously painful. You should quit. [[Put the sketchbook away->Go to the desk]]\ [[Keep drawing->Keep drawing 2]]

As you persist at filling the page, your ego and fears melt like icicles in spring. The task is fun and absorbing. You stop caring about crafting a perfect product and focus on the act of creation. You play. [[Add color]]

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/ei__j9xhsmI', alt: 'chalk drawings'} You feel like a kid again, scrawling with chalk on the sidewalk with your neighborhood friends. Flying free in a world all your own. So what if you're physically stuck in this apartment? Thanks to your sketchbook, you can escape anytime. As long as there's something to create, there is somewhere to go. Today, you feel glad to be alive. **~The End~**

Reviewing your supervisor's harsh criticism brings tears to your eyes. He said you're too distracted lately. Unfocused, unproductive. He attributes it to laziness, lack of commitment. He doesn't brook any excuses. Even a global pandemic's amplification of your anxiety disorder fails to rouse his sympathy. [[Wallow in self-pity->Sadness]]\ [[Wallow in self-hatred->Sadness]]\ [[Down the vodka in your fridge]]\ \ \ \ \ \ \ 💔\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ 💔\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Brainstorm new innovations to improve client satisfaction and retention rates]]\ [[Cruise job boards online]]

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/n95VMLxqM2I', alt: 'handshake'} You open your laptop and surf the web. Even though you and your new supervisor don't really see eye-to-eye, you still care deeply about the work you do. Heck, on your best days you're even passionate about it. And if you take the time to research creative solutions to your company's problems, you'll be able to help change the organization for the better. To foster a more successful company and a better workplace culture for everyone. Absorbed in your important task, you forget about your recent negative performance review. You even forget about yourself. You are in the zone. You enjoy this stuff. Today, you feel glad to be alive. **~The End~**

You turn on your laptop and surf the web. You find an opening in your field that attracts your interest, with an agency you've admired for a long time. They would provide you with better pay and more opportunities for upward mobility, as well as the chance to contribute to projects you're deeply passionate about. You've heard from people on the inside that work-life balance in this organization is fantastic. They would surely have a greater understanding of your mental health condition than your present small-potatoes employer. Maybe they would accommodate your handicap and help you to thrive, rather than just tolerating your presence. [[Apply.]]\ [[Don't apply. I'm not good enough.->Sadness]]\ [[Don't apply. It's too good to be true.->Sadness]]

You hate your life. You hate your job. Most of all, you hate yourself. But you're trapped. You can't escape your failures, your rampaging mental illness. You can't escape yourself. You choke on your sobs, wishing desperately for a way out of this darkness. But there isn't one. You're stuck in this rut. No matter where you turn, there's nowhere to go. **~The End~**

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/g1Kr4Ozfoac', alt: 'coworkers laughing at table'} A wave of relief and excitement washes over you as you polish off your cover letter and resume and press Send. You hadn't really allowed yourself to notice until now, but you've actually wanted to work for this company for a long time. You love the organization, and with all the experience under your belt, you would really be a perfect fit for the job. Even if you don't get this particular position this time around, the company is large and constantly expanding; they hire new employees throughout the year. If you set your self-loathing aside long enough to see clearly, you realize your chances are actually quite good. An electric resolve tingles through you, straightening your spine in the chair. You've set your sights on this goal, so now nothing can stop you. You will keep trying until you win. You may still be stuck in your apartment with your less-than-ideal job, but now you have something to dream about. Something to reach for. You take a deep breath and allow yourself to smile. Today, you feel glad to be alive. **~The End~**

You pile the contents of the hamper into the laundry basket, then shudder with a sob that wracks your body like a winter storm. Why haven't you washed these clothes already? You should have taken care of it weeks ago. [[Mentally abuse yourself->Mentally abuse yourself 2]]\ [[Put the laundry in the washing machine]]

The box contains framed photographs of your family: you and your late parents, in the sunny garden of your childhood home. Playing on the beach in California. Skiing in the mountains in Montana. There are a few old photo albums, too. Tears blur your vision. You put this stuff away because it hurts to look at it. To remember how alone you are now. [[Close the box->Go to the closet]]\ [[Keep looking]]

You're such a lousy, worthless person. Everyone else is probably hanging onto their sanity enough to accomplish great things in this difficult time, while you can't even muster the energy to wash your own clothing. You really are a waste of space. [[Cry->Sadness]]\ [[Load the contents of the hamper into the laundry basket]]

Tears blur your vision as you walk to the other side of the room with the laundry basket. Your entire apartment is an absolute mess. As you pour the contents of the basket into the washing machine, the tears pour down your face. You're hopeless. Utterly hopeless. [[Mentally abuse yourself->Mentally abuse yourself 3]]\ [[Put soap in the washer]]

You sprinkle a few laundry pods into the washer, your stomach sinking with guilt as you lean over the machine. The clothes have started to smell. You're a terrible person for waiting so long to do this. [[Mentally abuse yourself->Mentally abuse yourself 4]]\ [[Turn on the washer]]

Seriously, most adults are able to keep up with these basic tasks without exerting such a Herculean level of effort. What's wrong with you? [[Cry->Sadness]]\ [[Put the laundry in the washing machine]]

Your loving parents tried to convince you of your capabilities, your value. But now look at you, struggling to even do a load of laundry on your own. You've let them down, insulted their memory by disparaging yourself like this. In fact, you've failed everyone who ever believed in you. [[Cry->Sadness]]\ [[Put soap in the washer]]

What's the point of even washing these now? You don't deserve clean clothing. In fact, you don't deserve anything good. You are trash. A trashy apartment and a trashy wardrobe are all you should be allowed to have. [[Cry->Sadness]]\ [[Turn on the washer]]

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/UaaHbkk40Ow', alt: 'dolphin leaping'} You sag against the rumbling washer, crying tears of relief. You started a load of laundry, something you hadn't managed to do in over a month. Despite mentally ravaging yourself at every turn, you accomplished something good today. A small surge of pride races through you, like a dolphin launching itself upward through the depths of the ocean before leaping at last into the light. It may be hard to be you right now. But despite all the pain and uncertainty that threatens to drown you, you can take small steps each day to keep yourself afloat. To breathe the air. To bask in the light. Today, you feel glad to be alive. **~The End~**

Tears pour down your cheeks as you leaf through the photo albums. You miss your parents so much. Their absence feels like a stab wound, raw and throbbing. Should you keep facing your grief, even though it hurts? [[Close the box->Go to the closet]]\ [[Keep looking->Keep looking 2]]

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/w_N-XCjiM0o', alt: 'rose trellis'} Slowly, almost imperceptibly, your sorrow transforms into joy. As you work your way through the box, you feel happy to look at these pictures. To remember the good times you shared with your family, even though those days are gone. The mark your parents left on your heart will never be erased. You carry their memories and the lessons they taught you wherever you go. It's okay to be sad that you can no longer see them. But they loved you so much, and they wanted you to embrace and enjoy life. To focus on the good. So you will. You're grateful you had such loving, wise parents, and their voices are guiding you still. You will do your best to make them proud, to see the bright side even when it's hard. Today, you feel glad to be alive. **~The End~**

You eat an entire bag of chips, two chocolate bars, and a bowl of ice cream. But it doesn't fill the emptiness inside you. It only makes you feel worse about yourself. And a little sick, besides. But at least it distracts you. [[Eat more junk->Sadness]]

You drink some coffee in an attempt to perk yourself up for the day. But you don't feel any more alert or cheerful than before. No amount of caffeine can brace you for another day of this [[suffering->Sadness]].

Depressive thoughts pelt you like hail, driving you deeper into your bottle. The alcohol soothes your pain right before making it flare up twice as bad. Like scratching at a sore spot. You sink to the linoleum miserably and [[drink some more->Sadness]].

Really? The very idea makes you laugh bitterly. You don't have the energy to cook. You aren't good at it. And you don't deserve to eat good food. [[Eat junk food]]\ [[Drink some coffee]]\ [[Down the vodka in your fridge]]\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Gather ingredients]]

You gather vegetables, rice, and noodles. And then you just stare at them bleakly like they're coming for your soul. [[Eat junk food]]\ [[Drink some coffee]]\ [[Down the vodka in your fridge]]\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Start steaming the rice]]

You start to steam the rice. It's exhausting. What's the point? [[Eat junk food]]\ [[Drink some coffee]]\ [[Down the vodka in your fridge]]\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Start boiling the noodles]]

You start to boil the noodles while steaming the rice. This is too much work. Why are you even bothering? You should just starve yourself instead. Or eat something as awful as you are. [[Eat junk food]]\ [[Drink some coffee]]\ [[Down the vodka in your fridge]]\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ \ \ \ \ \ 🖤\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Fry the vegetables]]

You fry the vegetables, and then suddenly everything falls into place. The rice finishes steaming. The noodles finish boiling. Before you know it, it's all done. You mix everything together, add your favorite sauces, and voila! A decent, easy stir fry. It only took about twenty minutes, though every step along the way felt like an eternity. {embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/H6iSwrAOMG0', alt: 'stir fry'} As you enjoy your meal with a glass of water, you feel a sudden surge of pride. Even though your pessimistic, self-hating thoughts dogged you at every turn, you persisted, crafting a delicious, wholesome meal for yourself. After eating, you feel readier to face your day. Things are hard, but you're going to get through this. And you have so much to be grateful for right now. Today, you feel glad to be alive. **~The End~**

There's no point facing this day. It's going to be just like yesterday. Nothing new will happen. Nothing good. A sense of dread presses down on you. [[Burrow deeper under the covers and wish it all would go away->Sadness]]

You enjoy writing, but you don't think you're good at it. You haven't written in your journal in over a week. There's no point: there's nothing to say. Nothing new has happened. Nothing good. [[Close the notebook->Go to your bed]]\ [[Cry->Sadness]]\ \ \ \ \ \ ⛈️\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ ⛈️\ ⬇️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Write]]

You start to write. A million doubts plague your mind. Why bother to put words on paper? Your voice doesn't matter. You're a loser. [[Close the notebook->Go to your bed]]\ [[Keep writing]]

What are you doing? You're wasting ink and trees. This is stupid. [[Close the notebook->Go to your bed]]\ [[Cry->Sadness]]\ \ \ \ \ \ ⛈️\ \ \ \ \ \ ⛈️\ \ \ \ \ \ [[Keep writing->Keep writing 2]]

As you persist at putting your thoughts and dreams down on paper, your ego and fears melt away. A rush of freedom washes over you. You couldn't stop now even if you wanted to. [[Keep writing->Keep writing 3]]

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/lJU04IpuLc4', alt: 'dogs pulling sled'} Huskies run across crisp snow. [[Keep writing->Keep writing 4]]

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/4jbbHRFjC8Y', alt: 'sailboat'} You are sailing across a sparkling sea. [[Keep writing->Keep writing 5]]

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/M_EgSITHrKA', alt: 'stars'} You are floating away on a spaceship, exploring the far reaches of our universe. [[Keep writing->Keep writing 6]]

{embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/AXqMy8MSSdk', alt: 'notebook'} You fill the last pages of the notebook, sighing with relief and satisfaction. Tears of happiness burst from your eyes. You haven't felt this good in so long. Opening the drawer of your bedside table (which actually is a bedside dresser), you are pleased to discover another notebook. This one is blank. You smile. So what if you're physically stuck in this apartment? Since you can write, you can escape anytime. As long as there's something to create, there is somewhere to go. Today, you feel glad to be alive. **~The End~**

You open the private message. It's from your old friend, Chelsea. _<blockquote>Hey! How's it going? I passed by the Food Mule the other day and it made me think of the good old days. LOL. Hope you're doing OK despite all this craziness! :)</blockquote>_ You stare at the message. A green button indicates that Chelsea is online right now. Will you reply to her? [[Yes]]\ [[No]]

You write back to Chelsea. You decide to be honest about how you're doing. No one has reached out to you in so long, and it feels good to share your burdens. _<blockquote>Hey Chelsea! Great 2 hear from u. I'm having a hard time tbh. WFH is tough. I miss u. Hope ur well</blockquote>_ Chelsea writes back almost instantly. _<blockquote>OMG, it's great to hear from you!!! I'm sorry you're having a hard time. :( Adjusting to this has been tough on everyone. Do you want to talk sometime? Let me know when you're free and we can do a video chat on here! It would be awesome to see you and catch up! =D</blockquote>_ Warmth floods your chest. Tears of relief and gratitude spring to your eyes. Despite all the empty-headed drivel, all the shiny lies, of social media, you've managed to connect with someone again, for real. You know Chelsea is sincere. You'll be able to rekindle your friendship after all. You don't have to be alone anymore. You [[write back to her again]].

There's no point writing back to her, is there? No matter how sincere she sounds, she doesn't really want to hear from you. After all, you're just a [[waste of space->Sadness]].

_<blockquote>I'd love that, Chel. Let's do it. Today's my day off, so I'm free anytime.</blockquote>_ Chelsea gives a thumbs-up reaction and writes back. _<blockquote>Cool! How's 2 pm?</blockquote>_ You write back. _<blockquote>Marvelous. See you then!</blockquote>_ She responds with a smiley face. A smile spreads across your own face for the first time in ages. {embed Unsplash image: 'https://unsplash.com/photos/zi5vRoAP3WY', alt: 'smiley face'} You aren't alone after all. And today, you feel glad to be alive. **~The End~**