AAAAAA

i hope i can do this the right way. listen to me just do it okay it is almost working. [[connect?]] i did it i figured it out but with some help of course. [[fallen angel]] [[crazy sinister death]] [[white devil bitch]] i know i have to stop blaming others for my problems. where is the red underline?there are some places here that don't need it. because you have freedom. we all feel like we are free but really we are not. freedom is objective right? i might feel free but i am not . especially right now. im plagued with fear and anxiety. i wish i could think of a reason. will anyone ever see ?i doubt it. [[im a coward]] it is now 11;38pm on a wednesday . tomorrow looks so bleak. [[don't leave yet]]

just say it

i really want to learn

please i swear this has a reason

[[talk to me]] [[explain]] [[why are you doing this?]]

do i really need to explain it to you?

you know who you are and now i hate you

i've always liked writing.even if it is just like this.i wish i could do it for ever and ever. it's just me. i want to write in my diary but i don't have anything to say. i think someone can hear me.

living like this has no purpose you know. everyday feels the same and it is not because i have the same routine. everyday i am chasing another friday where i do nothing,while i have the freedom to do everything . but i don't. i've spent many nights wondering what is wrong but i can't figure it out. or maybe i have already and i just don't want to admit it. right now, even now i'm confused.do i know or not?i think i don't. another deja vu . they are always coming. was i meant to make this?do i even believe in stuff like this?

i finally did it. it took a of time to be honest but it's fine. i just ignored them. they don't matter anyway. and i don't matter to them but why are they still bothering with it? i think i've shown enough dissinterest. [[no one knows]]

im not done. but almost.be patient . 7th of october 2020. i am almost 17. why am i writing this way? i don't know. writing on a computer makes me feel like a professional. i like the sounds my buttons make. i think she hates me . or she just doesn't have any time to answer. i mean she is in university.in another country trying to make more friends.i understand. she already does enough for me. i just want her to know that i love her. you're one of my oldest friends. i hope i never lose her. [[25]] [[fr1day]] [[something about me]] what even is this about. this is so boring . i fucking hate it so much. is she looking at me the whole time?who knows.i hate it when people do that. and i hate how common it is. i'm still 16 and i wish i could stay 16 [[forever]]

in 8 years. when i was 15 i said that if i haven't achieved anything but age 25 i would kill myself. am i going to go through with it?who knows. if i am still living with my mother,i weight over 140lbs and single then yeah. my life won't have any meaning i feel bad for my mom though.i'm her only family here. but i still have 8 years right? i 'm not hopeful at all for my future. i'm so jealous and angry and indicisive(is it spelled correctly?i'm going to sleep ) [[i have to sleep again]]

yeah. i hate myself even if it's not my fault.why is this happening to me. times like this is when i want to die. nothing really happened but like always i overreact. i hate you all. it's still thursday and i'm already dreading friday.i'm so afraid of that day. for many reasons.not many but enough for me to worry about. [[11;00 pm]]

i love not responding to messages.it makes me alienated,like i don't exist or that they are looking for me.they are talking to somebody else and not me.like i am not there , here or anywhere. not having any notifications used to bother me for some reason.now i just feel alone. and it's not bad. [[live through this]]

it's such a horrible period for me.whenever my birthday is close i mean.i can't remember the last time i was excited or had a good time.i might be depressed. that sounds so cringy but oh my fucking god no [[no no no]] i had so many things to say but i forgot. this is [[a dream]]

seriously?fuck off lEAVE ME ALONE MY GOD whato do u think god looks like?he could have the face of you or me it could be anyone. do i hear her?i do not haha i'm too busy now i want to leave 5 is already over .5 8 16 17 25 [[clear my mind]]

whenever people ask me what i want to do in life i always think of 'ridiculous' things. in most people's standards. i want to live in a small forest away from civilization. i'm sure i would miss all the convieniences of a town but it would be way more peaceful. i've never been a big fan of crowds . this sounds dumb but [[i love doing this]]

do you want questions?or choices perhaps?how do you feel about me? every choice just leads to more choices. each one is boring and meaningless. but not for me. i already know tomorrow will suck. [[color]]

a lot of things going on. i can't keep track. [[alive]]

i'm so used to seeing this time. 11 was the time i would go to sleep.and 11 was when i was about to leave the house . rare event./even if i didn't want to/ usual.

it's just a cicle of waking up , doing things i don't want to do and going back to sleep.at least i feel happy when i dream. i imagine myself to be in a total different situation from what i am now. without so much anxiety .and dust.oh the dust.

when does this end?are we supposed to know?or do we decide ourselves?

i'm sure no one does.not even the person i think knows. what do i do now? i had a funny thought i should make it reality

i am here. do you realise it?do i even want people to realise? what is the point? i want to hurt myself again. i can't wait for cold weather but i am afraid at the same time. //of myself//. it's broken. how long will it last i wonder. i'm sorry.