,,//(css: "font-size: 100%;")[(link-replace: "desfazendo")[(css: "color: #ccccff;")[undoing]]]//
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[
you are (link-replace: "on that empty street")[~~on that empty street~~
(link-replace: "in your bedroom")[(css: "color: #ccccff;")[~~in your bedroom~~]
(link-replace: "at work")[(css: "color: #9999ff;")[~~at work~~]
(css: "color: #6666ff;")[at your campus dining hall]]]] (css: "color: #6666ff;")[again,]
it's (link-replace:"10am")[~~10am~~
(link-replace: "3am")[(css: "color: #ccccff;")[~~3am~~]
(link-replace: "8pm")[(css: "color: #9999ff;")[~~8pm~~]
(css: "color: #6666ff;")[the entirety of your Spring semester]]]](css: "color: #6666ff;")[.]
he (link-replace:"slows down, turns to face you")[~~slows down, turns to face you~~
(link-replace: "sees you through your window")[(css: "color: #ccccff;")[~~sees you through your window~~]
(link-replace:"screams about you to strangers")[(css: "color: #9999ff;")[~~screams about you to strangers~~]
(css: "color: #6666ff;")[takes pictures of you and your friends having dinner]]]](css: "color: #6666ff;")[.]
and (link-replace:"waits for you to pass so he can follow you")[~~waits for you to pass so he can follow you~~
(link-replace: "waves, following you when you try to hide")[(css: "color: #ccccff;")[~~waves, walking backwards when you try to hide~~]
(link-replace:"blows ripped paper shreds into your face")[(css: "color: #9999ff;")[~~blows something into your face~~]
(css: "color: #6666ff;")[messages your friends from fake facebook accounts]]]](css: "color: #6666ff;")[.]
all you could do is (link-replace:"walk faster")[~~walk faster~~
(link-replace:"wait for him to leave")[(css: "color: #ccccff;")[~~wait for him to leave~~]
(link-replace:"clock out early")[(css: "color: #9999ff;")[~~clock out early~~]
(css: "color: #6666ff;")[eat dinner at different times.]
(link-replace: "aqui é um lugar sem cor,")[here is a colorless place]
silent
but for the sound of my own heart's beating.
(css: "color: #9999ff;")[how can i tell you the rest]
(css: "color: #ccccff;")[when i am]
running out of room (link-replace: "to write?")[to breathe?
[[emergir->Calendar]]]]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/482167__tim-verberne__underwater-ambience-1.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/407696__170134__heartbeat-1.wav" autoplay loop>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[//6am.//
stress filters into your chest in a gurgling acid yellow
even as the walls around you blush in peach sunrise.
beside you, she sleeps quietly,
her breath a muted blue that rises like mountains, or waves, maybe
so much warmer than the cold gray phone that woke you.
[[roll over and cuddle->Erin Cuddle]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/wake-up-1.mp3" autoplay>](css: "font-size: 75%;")[<img src="https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/684833700147494917/759257334521397278/unknown.png">
[[your phone rings. it's Dad.->dad talk]]]==><==
(css: "font-size: 180%;")[7:03]
(css: "color: #999999;")[Monday, August 3]
(link-replace: "Swipe to Unlock")[(css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[5 new messages from HER House->HER House Messages]]
//cas: "tell me how my queer theory professor..."//
**CITIZEN**
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[**0.2 miles away**]
Woman chased with a bat.
[[Text Message from //ramos 'rents// (Mom, Dad)->Protest Message]]
Attachment from //FOX NEWS//...
**CO—STAR**
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[**Your day at a glance**]
//"Try not to trip and die today."//
[[put phone away->Erin hug comf]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/unlock.wav" autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[she crawls up behind you
and hugs from behind,
easing the tension between your shoulder blades.
warmth filters through you in bits,
like lowering slowly into a hot bath.
**you**
(link-replace:"...")["i think i'm gonna take the train again today"
//she throws herself back into the bed
in a playful huff.//
**her**
(link-replace:"...")["that skyline's sooo pretty huh.
leavin' home and shit when you got a view like thiiiis
right here."
//6 years later and it's like day 1.//
**you**
(link-replace:"...")["the big apple's been itching for these eyes,
baby. ionno what to tell you."
**her**
(link-replace: "...")["get //outta// here."
//her laughter makes you envision baby pink bubbles
emanating from her mouth in soft bursts,
filtering the sunset light through it
in distinct shades of coral.
so what if i'm just imagining it?//
[[get ready->Mirror]]]]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/iphone-off.wav" autoplay>//tides unfolding//
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[every morning before the mirror feels like
meeting yourself all over again
the spots of white and dark brown
blossom and multiply
more quickly now than ever
everything but your eyes seem to change,
two steady beacons in
an ever-churning sea
it's funny, when you were little,
you thought being “mixed” meant your skin
looked like cookies and cream.
only later did you realize that being mixed
is less like two colors on one canvas
and more like mixing waters of two oceans
[[unfold->mirror 2]]](css: "font-size: 75%;")[//calendar-form synesthesia//
<img src="https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/684833700147494917/757025675696668742/shape-year.jpg">
~~Wake up in January~~
~~Wake up in February~~
~~Wake up in March~~
~~Wake up in April~~
~~Wake up in May~~
~~Wake up in June~~
~~Wake up in July~~
[[Wake up in August->Wake Up]]
...]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/482167__tim-verberne__underwater-ambience-1.wav" autoplay>Audio test:
<iframe src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/482167__tim-verberne__underwater-ambience-1.wav" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Icons made by <a href="https://www.flaticon.com/authors/freepik" title="Freepik">Freepik</a> from <a href="https://www.flaticon.com/" title="Flaticon"> www.flaticon.com</a>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[the train fills with bodies
buzzing with uncertain energy
but you make space in it
standing in your own.
**//"This is a Brooklyn-bound M local train.
The next stop is: Forest Avenue.
Stand clear of the closing doors, please."//**
you exhale,
feeling the familiar lull,
the rocking,
the hum.
it seems stupid, but in all that's changed,
this route on the subway has been a constant.
between moving out of your family home
and a virus that set the world up in flames,
barely anything feels the way it used to.
you hold fast to this lull,
this rocking,
this hum,
and press it gently into the fabric of your mind,
hoping it'll keep.
(link-replace: "abre")[[[open->Synxplanation]]]
]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/forest-ave.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/entrar-trem-1.wav"autoplay>//dissociated//
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[your hands press into the metal and part
apologetic for their sudden need
apologetic you've always been
apologetic
so easily made small
so sorry for tripping on their own shoelaces.
(link-replace: "press")[you are in your own head
you are so deep in your own head that you can’t find your way
out of your own mouth
lest you widen your jaw and tear at your cheeks
so you say nothing
or do you?
who is speaking from the space between your lips?
you don’t know them
but they have a lovely voice.
(link-replace: "press")[“Casey?”
//i’m sorry
they're not here right now//
the world blurs around the edges and pulses
in and out of focus
you tap at the glass but
only bubbles escape your lips and they can’t
even make their way.
the world goes on
and you watch it
like the only channel on a broken TV.
(link-replace: "press")[“Casey.”
//i’m sorry,
i’m so sorry, they're not here right now.
please leave a message after the//
[[go under->Cha Com Mel]]]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/17222__meatball4u__drone1.wav"autoplay loop>//ode to sometimes//
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[when you resurface
you are on the roof of your ridgewood apartment.
you're not sure how you got here
all you know is that this is your now.
she curls beside you, her hand in yours,
fingers sticky with chocolate.
the sun sets over the distant skyline
and the train rumbles before you
the next-door jazz fusion band warming up for their weekly concert.
everything vibrates with fizzy energy.
is it possible to love a city that makes you shudder?
a city that is always watching you,
this city that won't let you sleep?
(link-replace: "unfold.")[
sometimes you think about the composition of your life.
the shape of it, it's color, it's tone,
all so easy to lose yourself in.
maybe you are every misplaced,
comma and run-on sentence that never made it to the final copy.
maybe you're not meant to make the final copy.
maybe you are.
all you know is now,
and how beautiful it is
and how sometimes everything feels this beautiful and you
may never remember it this way again
and that throws your heart into a fucking frenzy.
if you can't understand this,
remember what it feels like to look at something
that is running out of time.
nothing will be like this ever again
and that is (link-replace: "beautiful")[(link-replace: "heartbreaking")[terrifying]]
so you press it desperately into the fabric of your mind,
hoping it'll keep.
==><==
(css: "font-size: 150%;")[END]
(css: "font-size: 70%;")[[[play again->title page]]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/jazz-rewf-copy.m4a" autoplay loop>(css: "font-size: 110%")[syn·es·the·sia] (css: "font-size: 65%")[/ˌsinəsˈTHēZHə/ //n.//]
(css: "font-size: 75%")[1. //(neurological condition)// a blending of senses in which the stimulation of one produces sensation in another, such as between colors, scents, sounds, touch, etc.]
(css: "font-size: 65%")[//late 19th century: from the Greek "synth" (together) and "ethesia" (perception).//]
(css: "font-size: 110%")[syn·es·thete] (css: "font-size: 65%")[/sĭn′ĭs-thēt′/ //n.//]
(css: "font-size: 75%")[1. a person who experiences synesthesia.
2. me.]
[[unfold.->Undoing]](css: "font-size: 75%;")[Link attached:
**Protestors loot, vandalize, and set fires in violent response to "police bruality"**] (css: "font-size: 69%;")[//FOX NEWS//]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[(link-replace: "see message")[DAD
These thugs starting trouble on good people
just because of a few bad ones.
Don't strike the hand that feeds you.
[[text back->text back]]
[[return to home screen->Phone Home Screen]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/iPHONE-TEXT-NOTIFICATION-SOUND-EFFECT.mp3"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[**H.E.R. H🤡USE**] (css: "font-size: 65%;")[group chat]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[//**cas**//
tell me how my queer theory professor is teaching queer theory...
with ZERO QPOC scholarship in the curriculum...
make it make sense
(link-replace: "...")[//**jenni**//
🤦sounds about white
(link-replace: "...")[//**crystal**//
that's erasure luv
(link-replace: "...")[//**emely**//
it's almost like they built the curriculum....
without us in mind 🤯
(link-replace: "...")[//**amanda**//
yall talkin crazy
COM hired a whole (1) Black professor this year
how much more can we ask of them? 🥺💀
[[respond->HER Response]]
[[return to home screen->Phone Home Screen]]]]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/iPHONE-TEXT-NOTIFICATION-SOUND-EFFECT.mp3"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[respond:
[["the hand's feeding //you,// but what about everyone it's not feeding?"->nothing]]
[["if you are more bothered by how people react to injustice than you are by the injustice, you are invested in oppression." (Demon Kaib)->nothing]]
[["property can be replaced, Black lives cannot. do not forget about your Black brothers back home, dad. this is for them, too."->nothing]]
[[nothing.->Phone Home Screen]]
]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/type.wav"autoplay>//motion-to-auditory synesthesia//
(css: "font-size: 60%;")[listen]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[
<img src="https://images-ext-2.discordapp.net/external/iWjMVNPPy0Wxh78UYePKgBGLUwX_QqqAQWizC7Cbvo0/https/i.gifer.com/POMj.gif" style="max-width: 25%;"> <iframe src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/amber-flame.wav" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<img src="https://media4.giphy.com/media/PZVbGp9cCbDJS/giphy.gif" style="max-width: 25%;"> <iframe src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/bouncies.wav" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
[[feel->touch board?]]
[[open your eyes->Over-Choose Position]]
](css: "font-size: 100%;")[//choose a sensation://]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[pressing your cheek into the cool side of the pillow->vidro verde]]
[[staring at the ceiling in a dusk-lit room->dusk]]
[[shallow breathing->breathlesss]]]
(css: "font-size: 69%;")[then...]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[[[listen->sound board]]
[[open your eyes->Over-Choose Position]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[//**casey**//
god that gives me flashbacks to when i had to ASK my white film professor
to include non-white directors in viewings
the bar is on the floor
(link-replace: "...")[**steph**
we pay too goddamn much to Ask !
[[back to home screen->Phone Home Screen]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/type-n-send.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[
you don't text your parents
because what you need to hear right now is
(link-replace: "you were wearing those shorts again,
weren't you?")[~~"you were wearing those shorts again, weren't you?"~~
(link-replace: "what was his race?")[~~"what was his race?"~~
(link-replace: "he just wanted to show his friends
how beautiful you are.")[~~"he just wanted to show his friends how beautiful you are."~~(css: "color: #fff2e6;")[
(link-reveal: "it wasn't your fault.
you did what you could
and you are brave.")[
there's always "the right thing to do"
the "what you should've done,"
and you might spend the next three nights
wishing you stood up
towered over him
and ripped his ego into sinewy shreds,
but for now you sit here,
and give him a look that says "i fucking see you"
and it throws your heart
into a fucking frenzy.
you get up and move to the end of the train.
[[it's dark inside again.->dear future child]]
]]]]]](css: "font-size: 75%;")[you throw on your favorite big tee
your big pants,
chain, and timbs.
//nah.//
and the category is...
dressed like a dude, but pretty af]
[[//unfold.//->masc/femme]](css: "font-size: 75%;")[you darken the arches of your eyebrows
and flick dark brown wings at the corners of your eyes
makeup never would've been your thing
if you didn't realize
putting on makeup
feels like adding accents and highlights
to an already finished portrait.
look
at all the incredible forms you can take
~then~ conceive.
[[lookin' good.->
[[//unfold.//->you are my sunshine]]](css: "font-size: 75%;")[
[[get dressed->masculinity/femininity]]
[[do your makeup->ancestors and eyes]]
[[head out->pre-head out exchange]]](css: "font-size: 75%")[you take a last look in the mirror,
the edges a little sharper.
**you**
(link-replace: "...")["i'll be back in a bit, bub, you want anything?"
(css: "color: #604020;")[//shy, as she tends to be, she twists her lip and ducks her head.//]
**her**
(link-replace: "...")["can you get me a twix bar?"
**you**
(link-replace: "...")["mmm, only if you'll share."
(css: "color: #604020;")[//she pretends to think about it.//
**her**
(link-replace: "...")["hmmm. we'll see. call me on your walk back."
(css: "color: #604020;")[//you know why she says this,
but you'll know better than to walk
on that side of the street this time.
not that that's enough...
imagine if you knew what is "enough."//]
**you**
(link-replace: "...")["i will. i love you"
(css: "color: #604020;")[//you shut the door behind you and head for the train station.
familiar,
easy.//]
[[right?->gone afoot]]]]]]]]](css: "font-size: 75%;")[//"hi baby, how's it going?"//
most times, when you talk,
there's a weird color in the air between you two.
the things you don't say;
the things you mean to ask.
(link-replace: "//why don't you ever speak to me in Portuguese?
that part of me's felt so quiet ever since Tia left.//")[//~~"why don't you ever speak to me in Portuguese? that part of me has felt so quiet ever since Tia's left."~~//
(link-replace: "how can you support a president that
actively doesn't want my friends and i to exist?")[//~~"how can you support a president that actively doesn't want my friends and i to exist?"~~//
(link-replace: "when will you heal from your family trauma so i
may begin to heal from mine?")[//~~"when will you heal from your family trauma so i may begin to heal from mine?"~~//
//"how's everyone at home?"//
(link-replace: "...")[//"good, baby.
just wanted to hear your voice.
we miss you.
come visit every once in a while,
okay?"//
(link-replace: "...")[//"okay, dad.
i will soon.
i love you."//
(link-replace: "...")[//"i love you more."//
[[hang up->Phone Home Screen]]]]]]]]]//gone afoot//
(css: "font-size: 75%")[
<img src="https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/684833700147494917/759196249802407956/unknown.png">
[[enter train station->waiting for train]]
]to my future child
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[i hope i raise you to know this:
no matter how you decide to compose the music
of your own life,
the world will scatter and rearrange around you
like a kaleidoscope.
the brighter you shine,
the clearer those colors will show.
watch them, learn from them, but for them,
do not ever dim your light.
[[brilhe->pre-flash]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/heartbeat.wav"autoplay loop>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[finally,
the skyline rolls out before you in cursive
fluent as the tape on a well-loved film.
you sit back,
letting your legs part and your head tilt back,
eyes falling lazy as you sink in the warmth of it.
you run your palms over each other with gentle pressure,
rings colliding as your hair spills over your shoulder.
your body is an instrument through which you
play the symphony of your own existence.
**//"This is a Brooklyn-bound M local train.
The next stop is: Seneca Avenue.
Stand clear of the closing doors, please."//**
a man boards the train and goes to sit next to you.
once beside you,
he leans back and spreads comfortably,
making gross man noises.
do you...
[[cross your legs->cross your legs]]
[[take up even more space->take up space]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/seneca-ave.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[you cross your legs gingerly,
hoping he'll take the hint.
at the pull of a stop,
he spreads further, nudging your leg with his.
the pressure of his leg against yours
sends you leaning to the right,
into a woman who, now, too, crosses her legs.
(link-reveal: "ugh.")[
**//"This is: Marcy Avenue.
Stand clear of the closing doors, please."//**
a familiar face boards the train.
not familiar in the sense that you know them,
but familiar in their cool stride,
their shaved brow furrowed over their
eyes, warm but hardened.
they stand far-stanced against the train door
one hand hooked in their pocket.
sometimes,
gender is a performance you love.
//there it is.//
that familiar tug
that stupid
itch to be seen.
it's not romantic;
it's confusingly deeper.
that starvation for community
in this nomadic
invisible one.
a spare something to let them know
you're out here, too,
fighting too.
you see them,
and you wish they'd see you.
do you...
[[try to make friendly eye contact->smile @ gay]]
[[fake a phone call->gay phone result]]
]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/marcy-ave-1.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[you lean forward,
widening until you reach the edges of your own seat.
he insists on his ever-expanding stance
until his leg meets yours.
on contact, he jerks away once. then twice.
you keep steady, holding your space.
his eyes flit to yours.
this wasn't in the script.
you meet his eyes calmly,
unbothered.
(link-reveal: "bingo.")[
a middle-aged woman across from you watches this ordeal,
running her eyes over the tattoo on your wrist,
the ring on your thumb,
the chain dangling from your neck.
she looks like she's sizing you up
for her own peace of mind.
your body is the instrument.
do you...
[[blend in and dial back->conceal result]]
[[show her what she's looking for->show woman result]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/marcy-ave-1.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[you draw your sleeves down
over your tattoo and your rings
and sit up a little straighter,
shrinking.
this seems to satisfy her.
she almost nods as she looks away,
like she solved a problem
and that problem was you.
it satisfies the man beside you, too,
who takes the space you left with his thigh that
once again nudges yours,
but more comfortably this time.
is this what it means
to be a version of yourself
that's easy to swallow?
[[breathe->Reflect to Reactions]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/brdwy-lfyte-1.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[you look her in the eye as you lean forward slowly,
pull up your sleeves,
and extend one of your legs further out.
she's affronted,
your eye contact seeming to burn her all of a sudden.
this wasn't a fight you were supposed to put up.
she turns to her friend and whispers in her ear.
you watch them, twisting your thumb ring
before turning a sharp jaw to
the man beside you,
who quickly looks away.
why does taking up your space
call for such a fucking
fight?
[[breathe->Reflect to Reactions]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/brdwy-lfyte-1.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[they immediately notice your staring and
meet your eyes defensively
before flitting away.
//oh no.//
you're the judgey straight girl.
they think you're the judgey straight girl.
you are none of those things!
and smiling at strangers
isn't a thing in new york oh god.
out of respect for their discomfort
you dial back,
avoiding eye contact and
tucking your gay in the naughty corner.
[[breathe->Reflect to Reactions]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/brdwy-lfyte-1.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[you pretend to take a call,
channeling your talking-to-bae voice and multiplying.
//"hey bub, on my way there now. anything else you need? nail polish? uh..."//
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[(css: "color: #4d4d4d;")[0/10. they don't even notice.]]
(link-replace: "...")[//"...pads?"//
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[(css: "color: #4d4d4d;")[-50000/10. god. there had to have been an easier ways to do this.]]
(link-replace: "...")[//"i'm so excited to see you in that (css: "font-size: 170%;")[dress] tonight."//
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[(css: "color: #4d4d4d;")[2/10. just straight-up cap. you wear the dresses, and barely.]]
(link-replace: "...")[//"what do you mean? the (css: "font-size: 170%;")[dress] looks so GOOD on you, (css: "font-size: 170%;")[babe]."//
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[(css: "color: #4d4d4d;")[the only notice you're getting is from a middle aged woman,
who raises her eyebrows and squirms.
you're getting desperate.]]
(link-replace: "...")[//"tonight? uh, we can listen to (css: "font-size: 170%;")[hayley kiyoko]'s new album and watch// (css: "font-size: 150%;")[//orange//] //is the new// (css: "font-size: 170%;")[//black//].//"//
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[(css: "color: #4d4d4d;")[this... does it
they tip their jaw
glance lightly at you,
piqued.]]
(link-reveal: "huh. who woulda thought.")[
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[(css: "color: #4d4d4d;")[they look away slightly,
but you know they're still listening
because when you say,
(css: "font-size: 130%;")[(css: "color: black;")[//"okay, see you soon. i love you."//]]]]
(css: "font-size: 90%;")[(css: "color: #4d4d4d;")[you swear you see the hint of a smile.]]
[[breathe->Reflect to Reactions]]]]]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/brdwy-lfyte-1.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>//remember//
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[in your filipino-brazilian home,
sugar was less of a sweet
and more like a medicine.
when you were little and
something made you sad
ma would make you a sweet earl grey in that
watercolor butterfly mug.
she promised that the sweetness
would coat your system and keep the sad
from getting in, that
the amber pool was your elixir.
but there's no (link-replace: "//chá com mel//")[tea with honey] on train cars
or in tunnels
or on the street on your way to work
and the only butterflies you see
flutter about, directionless,
trembling on their own way home.
[[exhale->Roof?]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/pour.wav" autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[you see him before he sees you,
harmlessly.
a fellow 20-something on their way from brooklyn into the city.
there's a weird solidarity about it,
so you don't think much when he stares for half a second longer
than you do,
or when he immediately takes the seat across from you once it's empty.
(link-replace: "carry on")[it's harmless until you feel it.
the lingering eyes,
the tender pressure of his gaze.
is he going to say something?
or is he going to--
reach for his phone...
you watch as he tilts it a little too high,
a little too level with where you are sitting.
it's a familiar motion,
that over-casual look on their face
that swears
you aren't what's on their screen.
then, before you can process,
[[flash.->flash]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/seneca-ave.wav"autoplay>
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/em-trem.wav"autoplay>does this need to be in one tense/perspective? uniform? is it allowed to be in "i" since it's ~literally reflective~?
you were nineteen when you realized it wasn't going to stop
the spreading
the crawling
the spilling of white and dark brown
across the contours of your skin
for an entirely different reason.
and just like that, i mean,
you can imagine the rest(css: "font-size: 75%")[the subway platform is a liminal space reserved for hell.
characters pass in and out
appearing and reappearing from behind poles,
staircases,
across the platform.
it's hard not to stay paranoid,
but you harden up in the instinctual way
your favorite city taught you to.
as the train rushes in,
a man who has made eye contact at least twice now passes behind you.
you can see him turn to stare at your ass
through the flickering reflection of the slowing train's windows,
ticking like stop motion.
first the jaw,
then the eyes,
then the tongue.
when the train pulls to a stop,
he is gone,
and you board the train.
familiar,
easy.
[[right?->Train Ride]]](css: "color: #71ab5e")[//vidro verde//]
(css: "font-size: 80%;")[(css: "color: #b6d1ae")[//i know the shape of my own sadness.
can feel it from the inside,
like running my fingers blindly over the inside of a vase
curved upward,
then sloping downward in one careful breath.
its texture of frosted glass,
forest green,
cool to the touch,
invites me inside again.
it's quiet here.//]]
[[//return.//->touch board?]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/17222__meatball4u__drone1.wav"autoplay>(css: "font-size: 75%;")[finally allowed this moment's rest,
your synesthesia seems to intensify.
if you can't understand this,
think about how it feels
to listen to your favorite song
full volume
on the perfect day.
how when the chorus breaks,
everything seems to open wide with it.
it makes the sun brighter,
the breeze sweeter,
the air lighter.
when synesthesia rouses,
every one of your senses
is at its chorus.
[[feel->touch board?]]
[[listen->sound board]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/entrar-trem-1.wav"autoplay>(css: "color: #bdcbf0;")[//breathless//]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[late at night
when the ceiling bows down low
(link-replace:"//e cada pensamento têm peso//")[and every thought has weight],
you can feel the gravity of the air in your lungs.
hold,
before inhaling
so gently that your ribs don't know.
every exhale is a wash of dark grey,
then dark blue,
then dark purple.
every inhale, a film reel of strange shapes:
rolls of yellow and blue foam stacked upon each other,
a seuss-esque vision of the moon in the night sky,
then as you exhale,
every image washing away like liquid,
or softening like clay.
how do
i turn this off
so i can [[sleep?->touch board?]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/breathing.wav" autoplay>(css: "color: #fff9a3;")[//respira//]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[the cold, even stream of air carries you back
to hot summers in your childhood bedroom,
to long road trips
when sunshine baked on your cool brown skin,
to hotel rooms on family vacations,
white stucco and wooden cabin ceilings,
the smell of the new sheets,
the puff of them.
baby hairs dance around your face,
cooling the tense space between your eyebrows
and for a moment,
it's like only the good parts happened.
[[return->touch board?]]](css: "font-size: 75%;")[you know he will not answer you for a while.
it is a slow,
fruitless game you play.
so you exhale sharply
and [[swipe-out.->Phone Home Screen]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/send.wav" autoplay>(css: "color: #fff9a3;")[//you are my sunshine//]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[
when I was little, I thought being “mixed” meant your skin looked like cookies and cream.
only later did I realize that being mixed is less like two colors on one canvas
and more like mixing waters of two oceans.
and only later did my sister, overwhelmed by the complexities of race, develop the idea that she “doesn’t see color.”
i ask,
if you don’t see color,
who’s standing in the mirror?
we are confusing and maybe the slopes of our eyes and the curves of our cheekbones don’t make sense together.
maybe our jaw says something different from our lips say something different from our hair.
we don’t need to make sense.
when you were little,
and you let the snow feather on your shoulders as you danced,
didn’t i tell you you were silver?
if you don’t see color,
where is our family?
think of our skin as a canvas of experience. a testament to emotion.
when someone tells you they don’t see color,
ask them what they are looking at.
if I could tell my sister one thing,
it would be that the veins in her cheeks look like flower petals in the sunlight.
that we are the blues of Boracay beach and the lush greens of the Amazon.
the whites of sampaguitas and the browns of splintered seashells.
we were created by the force of the Earth straining against itself.
continents colliding.
seas shrinking.
there is always a stray current.
there is always a motion, a pulse.
we are so bright.
didn’t they tell you we are diamonds?
[[moisturize->eczema and vitiligo]]
[[get dressed->masculinity/femininity]]
[[head out->pre-head out exchange]]](css: "font-size: 75%;")[
perform constantly
this balancing act of a life
[[moisturize->eczema and vitiligo]]
[[do your makeup->ancestors and eyes]]
[[head out->pre-head out exchange]]
]]DISCARDED
he'll remember from the timestamp
but you'll only remember the stupid look on his face
o espacio na minha psique ta baguncada
olha pra mim
é brincadeira não
como se sente cuando eu te diz que
as coisas que imagina somos reais?
would the candle never have tipped and let this whole place catch fire?
apparently asserting my space and my identity
is the hill i die on
the jazz is at its chorus now,
and so are you
waltzing together in
you think of all the places
where beautiful things have happened
i want to leave my mark in this space
just how close you might get
for a moment,
it's like only the good parts happened
this is one of those rare times
when ~ doesn't feel so _,
but if life is a performance
when do i get to rehearse?
and you,
from the space between your ~'s ~s,
animate/compose.
half eaten twix bar in your hand?
most beautiful synesthesia!!
they all seem to come together here,
crawling into you,
its center,
like a spiderweb.
left this here for the world to see
make it all alright again
doesn't it?
and just like that, i mean
you can imagine the rest
maybe you will never/maybe it will always... be
this seesaw between
but _,
maybe i can't help but realize, in a scandalous streak of hope,
just how close i might get.|clue)[(css: "font-size: 75%;")[(css: "color: #ff6666;")[you remember when he]]]
|clue1)[(css: "color: #ff6666;")[and all you could do was]]
|clue2)[(css: "font-size: 78%;")[(css: "color: #ff6666;")[it was 2pm]]]
|clue3)[(css: "font-size: 60%;")[(css: "color: #ff6666;")[or was it 4?]]
|clue4)[(css: "font-size: 75%;")[again you have
the curtain pulled back on you,
made spectacle to a show you never practiced for
a play where you are "the character something happens to."
you don't get to craft this narrative--no,
you
are simply captured in it.
[[sink->Bad Thing Quik Reflect]]]]]
<audio src="https://audiolocker.cgaramos.com/wp-content/uploads/flash.wav"autoplay>
{(live: 1s)[
(show: ?clue)
(stop:)
]}
{(live: 2s)[
(show: ?clue1)
(stop:)
]}
{(live: 3s)[
(show: ?clue2)
(stop:)
]}
{(live: 4s)[
(show: ?clue3)
(stop:)
]}
{(live: 5s)[
(show: ?clue4)
(stop:)
]}dear future child,
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[are you still there?
i hope i never make you feel like
you are defined by the things that
other people do to you.
know that you are more than that.
we will always be
more than that.
[[power down->dissociated]]](css: "color: #feedc8;")[//blend//]
(css: "font-size: 75%;")[//the edges of your periphery
waver like jello,
thickening and softening
until all your vision ebbs and pulses
in shades of milky white.
you feel your weight in the bed,
the folds of your blanket nestled 'round
the edges of you
like lapping water frozen in its tracks,
while pearls bubbleing like froth at your fingertips.//]
[[//return.//->touch board?]]for a moment,
it's like only the good parts happened
standing in a warm spotlight
vibrates around you
like dressing
heat
swirling air
<img src="img" style="max-width: 33%;">[[moisturize->eczema and vitiligo]]
[[do your makeup->ancestors and eyes]]
[[get dressed->masculinity/femininity]]]==><==
(css: "font-size: 350%;")[//unfolding//]
[[begin->Define Synesthesia]]//tides unfolding// (css: "font-size: 75%;")[cont.
you learned to make home in your skin
and, when it was time,
taught your sister to do the same.
you told her,
//we are confusing and maybe
the slopes of our eyes
and the curves of our cheekbones
don’t make sense together.
maybe our jaw says something different
from our lips say something different
from our hair.
we don’t need to make sense.//
if you could tell your sister one thing,
it would be that the veins in her cheeks
look like flower petals in the sunlight.
that you are the blues of Boracay beach
and the lush greens of the Amazon.
the whites of sampaguitas
and the browns of splintered seashells.
you were created by the force of the Earth straining against itself.
continents colliding.
seas shrinking.
there is always a stray current.
there is always a motion, a pulse
and you,
lay in the space between,
[[rousing.->pre-head out exchange]]]