The End is Neigh

THE END IS NEIGH by Troels Pleimert & Bjørn Okkels Birk Sundgaard Made for AdventureX Jam 2020 &copy 2020 The Adventure Think Tank [[Begin]] (set: $smashedphone to false) (set: $seenman to false) (set: $heardvoice to false) (set: $knowshyna to false) (set: $pissyourself to false) (set: $horsetalk to false) (set: $leaftalk to false) (set: $restonhead to false) (set: $restonbutt to false)

Unable to keep the horror of his transformation at bay, Herman's heart started beating like a war drum played by a chinchilla on amphetamine. As his heart rate rose, so did his breathing, and he soon lost his balance and fell to the ground, hyperventilating badly. [[Stand up]] [[Cry out for help]]

(set: $smashedphone to true)Herman thought of calling his doctor, but he couldn't remember the phone number. Regardless, he swung after the phone that was lying on his small nightstand with his left hoof, sending his leg straight through the nightstand and shattering the phone against the floor. Herman was rather agitated by this. He was also still hungry. [[Have an epic panic attack]] [[Go look for carrots]]

His hunger for carrots increasing with every ticking second, Herman clopped his way into his kitchen. He knew full well there were no carrots. Up until sometime last night, he didn't even particularly like carrots. Now it was different. Preoccupied didn't even come close to describing his insatiable need for carrots. It was as if his mind was obsessed with them. Perhaps, he thought, in this sparse and claustrophobic kitchen, a suitable substitute for carrots could be found. [[Check the fridge]] [[Check the cupboards]] [[Check under the kitchen table]]

Herman swung his monstrous hoofs in the direction of the kitchen cabinets and knocked a hole straight through them. Jars, cardboard containers, plates, cups, drinking glasses, little forgotten packets of powdered bearnaise sauce and taco spice... all exploded in an instant alongside splintering wood and chunks of drywall. Herman had his eyes closed as the loud clattering continued for quite a long while. When the sound of things breaking finally died down, he cautiously opened his eyes. The cupboard he had aimed at was no longer there. Neither was the wall it had been hanging from. Both of those were in a lot of pieces on the kitchen counter and floor below. What was there instead was a jagged, irregularly-shaped hole straight through his house. On the other side was a bright green meadow. A sand-colored path snaked its way into the distance over a small hill and tapered off into the distance. On either side of the path were bizarrely shaped purple trees and bright orange flowers. Seeing as Herman's place of residence was located in the inner city in a small and frankly quite cramped residential area full of terrace houses, this was not the view he was expecting. If anything, the hole should have revealed a small fence and a direct view of his next door neighbor's brick wall. He was also not expecting an oversized, brightly neon-colored bee to fly through the gaping hole and start addressing him in a deep, reasurring voice. "You're Herman, right?" it said. Herman just looked at the bee dumbfounded. It buzzed gently and flew in a little circle before continuing. "Please come with me," it said. "I'm sure you have many questions." The bee flew back through the hole and down the sand-colored path. [[Follow the bee]] [[Go back to your bedroom and go back to sleep]]

Herman attempted, and failed gloriously, at getting one of his front hoofs under the handle for the fridge. What happened instead was that he punched the fridge so hard, it wobbled against the wall, teetering precariously for a few agonizing seconds, before tipping over and collapsing in front of him with a cacophonous crash. This startled Herman to some degree and he flinched. Flinching made his head spring upwards and collide with the doorframe he was currently standing under. This, in turn, caused him to flail and buck, seemingly against his own will, sending limbs and hooves flying into walls, doorframes, fallen-over refrigerators, and, lastly, a window. [[Panic some more]] [[Attempt to calm down]]

In what can only be described as the least graceful maneouver any equestrian being has ever attempted, Herman ducked under his kitchen table in some misguided attempt at uncovering a forgotten stash of carrots or carrot-like vegetables. In doing so, he hit his head against the corner of the table, sending it flying against the back of the wall. A chair, caught by the leg of the table, was also sent flying, but as it reached the top of its upward trajectory, it collided with a unit of shelves and suddenly spun wildly, sending it flying into the window. The sound of glass shattering loudly startled Herman. [[Buck wildly]] [[Run away]]

The shock and commotion caused Herman to raise himself on his hind legs and wave his front hoofs around in an attempt to ward off whatever dangers lay before him. Not realizing that his kitchen was built for humans, and very small humans at that, he hit his head rather hard on the ceiling, which caused him to fall over. His flailing front legs, however, never stopped flailing as he sailed in whatever the opposite of majestically is towards the kitchen countertop, hitting his head again, while the rest of his body continued towards the floor, eventually coming to a harsh, bone-crunching, and terribly indignified rest. His left front leg spasmed briefly before he lost consciousness. [[Rest]]

In a misguided attempt at putting as much distance between himself and the startling sound of the window shattering, Herman spun around, ignoring the fact that his massive equestrian frame already took up half of the available floor space of the kitchen. Consequentially, his head slammed into the wall at full force and his ass slammed into the cupboards above the countertop, causing them to open and spill their contents everywhere. The sound of clattering plates, cups, utensils, and more glass shattering sent Herman's already spiked panic levels into dangerous overdrive. [[Buck wildly]] [[Play dead]]

Sensing an overload of danger, Herman's primal instincts demanded that he get as close to a prone position as possible in an attempt to confuse and disorient whoever or whatever was attacking him. Without considering the consequences, Herman threw himself to his kitchen floor and attempted to curl into a ball, all in one simultaneous motion. This resulted in his head catastrophically impacting with the corner of his marble kitchen countertop, catapulting his face and his upper body immediately in the opposite direction, causing him to hit his head on the opposite wall. He would not remember this later, but the last thing he thought before passed out was, "My neck is not supposed to make that kind of noise." [[Rest]]

In the murky depths of his subconscious mind, Herman vaguely sensed the notion that he was being carried somewhere. It was as if he was drifting in and out any contact with the nerves in his limbs. Sometimes he would be able to feel the slightest pull and twist of his body; other times he would lose sensation in his body altogether. He was unable to open his eyes, but after a short while, he deduced that the times when he lost all sensation of his body coincided with a short registry of his head hitting a hard surface. [[Wake up]] [[Keep resting]]

Herman threw open his eyes, startling himself more than anything. His head throbbed as his eyes attempted to adjust to the light - or, rather, the lack of light. He could feel a consistent rumbling motion. He was held upright in a small, confined space, and he was moving. Or, rather, what he was standing on was moving. It bobbed up and down, sometimes gently, sometimes forcefully. He deduced, correctly, that he was in the back of a vehicle of some kind. The top of his head was touching the roof of his small confinement, and whenever the vehicle bobbed up and down, his head would be squashed against it. When there was a forceful bump, his top of his head would briefly lose contact with the roof, only to be slammed against it. His headache did not like that one bit. [[Buck wildly|Buck wildly2]] [[Whinny loudly]]

As his consciousness slowly started to creep in, and the passages of total body numbness began to subside, Herman decided his best course of action would be to remain still and keep his eyes closed. This ruse proved increasingly difficult to maintain, as the repeated thumps on his head began to register pain with increasing intensity. Every time his head would knock against something, a slow but persistent throbbing in the back of his head would increase by a small percentage, eventually manifesting itself in the steady pounding of an immense headache. [[Continue to pretend to be asleep]] [[Wake up]]

Eventually, the repeated knocks on his head caused Herman to actually fall asleep. When he woke up an indeterminate amount of time later, he was a bit surprised to find the motion of the vehicle absent. He was somewhere else now. He opened his eyes but they had been in darkness for so long that all he could see was a bright, white light. The only sound was a voice whispering softly in his right ear. [[Listen to the voice]] [[Buck wildly|Buck wildly3]]

Ignoring the claustrophobic confines of his current surroundings entirely, Herman kicked and flailed with every available limb on his horse body. The vehicle rocked back and forth violently, and he could hear shouting from somewhere inside. The shouting and the dangerous wobbling of the vehicle made him flail even more violently. Eventually, the rocking stopped when the vehicle tilted onto one side while still at speed. Herman could feel the vehicle drag along the road for a brief while before coming to a stop. It was then that he could also feel a pool of liquid form around his head. He had apparently smashed his head open during his attempts to free himself and had caused a massive head injury. [[Flail some more]] [[Wait for death]]

Opening his mouth to shout hoarsely at anyone within earshot, Herman was horrified at the sound of his own voice. He had briefly forgotten that he had turned into a horse, and was expecting to hear his human voice shout, "I say, just what the devil is happening to me?" but what came out was something more along the lines of, "HHUUUUHHHhahhhuuhhhuhhhh, pfflflflflflflfl!" Startled and panicking, Herman forgot all pretenses of decency and dignity, and acted accordingly. [[Buck wildly|Buck wildly2]] [[Kick hind legs]]

Herman leaned forward, supporting all his weight on his front legs, and catapulted his hind legs out from behind him with as much force as he could muster. A brilliant cone of light suddenly shone through the back of the vehicle, temporarily blinding him. The vehicle also, as a result of the jolt, jumped and skid as the driver had felt the weight shift suddenly, causing Herman's head to hit not only against the roof of the vehicle but also the side. His head bounced off and into the other side as well. It was at this moment that Herman's body refused to any longer obey any of his brain's commands and simply decided to fold itself inwards. Down Herman went in a heap, whinnying pathetically as his legs gave out from beneath him, until his body came to a resting position half-hunched over with his long neck drooping down across his abdomen. He felt a soft wetness, small at first but gradually growing. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he blissfully enjoyed a few seconds of his surroundings in the daylight. These seconds were, less blissfully, spent looking at the blood dripping from his head and pooling on the floor. [[Flail a bit|Flail some more]] [[Wait for death]]

Herman found himself unable to move a single muscle. He didn't know how long had passed, but when he came to, he slowly opened his eyes and saw nothing but a bright white flash. A voice was muttering softly in his ear. [[Listen to the voice]] [[Buck wildly|Buck wildly3]]

Herman finally decided to give up fighting and let the soothing rest overtake him. At last, he thought, I'll finally be at peace. When he came to an indeterminate amount of time later, he was rather disappointed to still be conscious. He slowly opened his eyes and saw nothing but a bright white light. A soft voice was whispering in his ear. [[Listen to the voice]] [[Buck wildly|Buck wildly3]]

The voice was unfamiliar to him and spoke in a language he didn't understand. He would later come to learn that the voice was, in fact, speaking perfectly normal English, but his horse brain had forgotten how to interpret human language. Despite being incomprehensible to him, he found the voice soothing. The bright light around him began to dim and he could begin to faintly make out his surroundings. [[Listen to the voice some more]] [[Look around the room]]

Herman's brain immediately went into another fit of panic and he attempted to fight his way out. He found that he was restrained on all sides and on every movable limb, including his head. The voice continued to speak softly into his ear. As his muscles tired against his restraints, the bright whiteness of the room around him began to fade, allowing him to make out small details. The voice continued soothingly in his ear. [[Listen to the voice some more]] [[Look around the room]]

The voice kept whispering softly in his ear. He still couldn't make out any words, or indeed focus on what "words" actually meant. But he knew it was soothing. He felt at ease. Then, he felt a soft hand on his mane, stroking him gently. [[Coo softly]] [[Attempt fierce eye contact with someone]] [[Buck wildly|Buck wildly4]]

The details of the room were still coming into focus, but he could tell it was a large room. Although filled to the brim with whirring machinery, the room was enormous and the ceiling stretched up far, far above his head. With every passing second, he could make out more and more details. There were conveyer belts, stacks of crates, electronic machines with dials and lights that meant nothing to him but wistful fascination, and rows and rows of cubicles. Much like the cubicle he suddenly realized he was standing in right now. He was surrounded by a small group of people wearing white lab coats. He could tell that one of them, just out of sight, was standing on a small pedestal, whispering continuously into his ear. [[Listen to the voice some more]] [[Whinny meekly|Whinny2]] [[Whinny loudly|Whinny2]]

Herman attempted to say a few words but they didn't come out as words. They didn't even come out as neighs and whinnys. They came out as, "Mhmhmhhhmmmm." His jaw was shut by a giant elastic band. The people huddled around him, previously engaged in conversation with each other and only paying minimal attention to him, suddenly turned and looked straight at him. Meanwhile, the voice continued to whisper softly in his ear. [[Attempt fierce eye contact with someone]] [[Listen to the voice some more]]

Herman scanned the crowd with his eyes and made eye contact with the person standing closest to him: a short, bespectacled, mousey-looking woman wearing a lab coat two sizes too big for her. He fixed his eyes on her insistently, refusing to blink. The woman returned his gaze and, likewise, refused to blink. She didn't smile. Eventually, she took a small step back, raised the clipboard she had been holding in her hand, and let her eyes fall down to the paper attached to it. With the pen in her other hand, she performed a little checkmark motion on the paper. The voice in his ear stopped. The person stepped down from the pedestal and joined the others. (if: $seenman is true)[He vaguely recollected having seen the man before, but in his still groggy state, he couldn't place him.] [[Wait]]

His demeanor softened and Herman began to appreciate the gestures bestowed upon him. His vocal cords vibrated softly in a low, content murmur. Smiles began to trickle across the lips of the small crowd around him. Some of them scribbled contentedly on notepads and pieces of paper attached to clipboards. The voice suddenly stopped and the person stepped down from the pedestal to join the others. He, too, was wearing a lab coat. (if: $seenman is true)[Herman vaguely recollected having seen the man before, but in his still groggy state, he couldn't place him.] [[Wait]]

Herman had momentarily forgotten he was restrained and attempted to escape his situation by flexing every muscle in his body all at once. His attempts proved predictably futile. The soft hand left his mane and the people huddled around in his cubicle furrowed their brows. The voice in his ear, which had never stopped, took on a slightly more insisting tone. [[Coo softly]] [[Attempt fierce eye contact with someone]]

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of red light. Herman looked around to see where it was coming from. It was coming from a small machine that he had previously failed to notice. It was standing on a small table between two of the lab-coat-wearing people. They had just moved slightly, allowing the nozzle of the machine to protrude between their lab coats, and that nozzle was emitting a very bright, red light. One of the lab-coat-wearing people lifted the machine up slightly and put his notepad under it. This caused the machine's light to shine directly into Herman's eyes. Herman did not like this one bit. [[Kick hind legs|Machine]] [[Whinny loudly|Machine]] [[Buck wildly|Machine]]

Herman's attempts to fight back proved futile. Unable to move and with a bright red light shining directly into his eyes, Herman was beside himself with panic. Until a loud voice shouted at him: "Stay calm!" Herman was so surprised at hearing a voice he could understand that he immediately froze. "If you don't stand still, this will just take longer." (if: $seenman is true)[Herman suddenly recognized the voice. It was the same voice he had heard in his living room, yelling at the man to stab him with the pointy stick!] (else:)[The voice sounded a lot like the person who had previously been speaking softly into his ear.] [[Stand still]] [[Continue struggling]]

"Good, good. You are beginning to relax," said the voice. Herman was not relaxed at all, but as the voice continued, he found himself becoming (if: $seenman is true)[strangely] calmed by it. "We are trying to reformat your brain," continued the voice. "There was an accident. You weren't meant to have left the lab so soon." None of this made any sense to Herman. He could only watch as (if: $seenman is true)[his kidnapper] (else:)[the owner of the voice] - a short man with stubbly beard and thin hair - approached him slowly, his voice softening as he got closer. "This will all be over soon," he said, reaching out and touching Herman's jaw delicately. [[Wait|Wait2]]

Herman's body refused to relax and he continued to wrench and contort the few millimeters his restraints would allow. The crowd looked disappointed. The man with the voice he recognized from before approached him slowly, speaking with a soft but insistent voice. "There was an accident," he said. "You weren't supposed to have left the lab so early." He was now standing very close to Herman. Reaching out, the main reconsidered touching Herman's jaw when he saw how tense it was. "If only you would relax a bit, this would all be over soon," he said, shaking his head. [[Wait|Wait2]]

The red light seared into Herman's eyes. His headache, which had all but subsided and was about to consign itself to the status of an unpleasant memory, suddenly returned in full force. Herman's eyes closed, his jaw tensed, and his throat made a squealing sound unlike anything he had ever heard any beast or man made before. The beam seemed to pierce his skull, making direct contact with his brain, and stimulating only the places were headaches were made. Just when it felt like he could bear it no longer, the beam shut off. His head throbbed for a second or two, then relaxed. He cautiously opened his eyes. The crowd of people were still there. The man, now standing inches away from his face, leaned forward and gently kissed him on the nose. "That's a good horse," he said. [[Whinny|Speak]] [[Grunt|Speak]] [[Coo|Speak]] [[Mumble|Speak]] [[Neigh|Speak]] [[Speak]]

"Who are you?" Herman said, and the fact that he said this with a human voice startled him as much as it did the crowd, which gasped and took half a step back. The man said, "I am Doctor Hirschenbacker. Welcome back, Herman." [["Where am I?"]] [["Who are those people?"]] [["What's happened to me?"]] [["Can you let me go, please?"]]

Herman asked softly, "Where am I?" Hirschenbacker smiled and said, "Of course. Your memory may not return for a while. Or," he sighed wistfully, "maybe not at all. Maybe it's better this way." [["You... didn't really answer my question."|Speech]] [["Who are those people?"|Speech]] [["What's happened to me?"|Speech]] [["Can you let me go, please?"|Speech]]

Herman looked at the crowd behind Dr. Hirschenbacker. "Who are these people?" he asked. "These people," repeated the doctor with barely masked contempt. "We have been referred to as 'these people' for far too long, haven't we?" He retained eye contact with Herman but was clearly addressing the crowd behind him, who muttered in subdued agreement. [["You... didn't really answer my question."|Speech]] [["What is this place?"|Speech]] [["What's happened to me?"|Speech]] [["Can you let me go, please?"|Speech]]

"What's happened to me?" asked Herman, his voice trembling. "All in due time, my friend," said the doctor with a smile that was soothing and nefarious all at the same time. [["You... didn't really answer my question."|Speech]] [["Where am I?"|Speech]] [["Who are those people?"|Speech]] [["Can you let me go, please?"|Speech]]

Herman felt weak. Feeble, even. He didn't care about the doctor or where he was. He just wanted to leave. "Can you let me go, please?" he asked. "I will let you go," said the doctor, "but first you have to do something for me." [["And what's that?"|Speech]]

The doctor turned around to face his crowd, some of whom were still staring at Herman, mouth agape. "My friends and colleagues," said Hirschenbacker, "today marks an historic occasion." He took a long stride to the left of Herman and splayed out his right arm in a dramatic gesture. "Here you see before you," he continued, his voice becoming louder and more grandiose, "the fruits of years and years of hard scientific labor. No more will we be looked down upon by the nay-sayers and the arrogant know-it-alls of medical science." He took a grand step forward. His arm shot towards the ceiling, finger pointed sharply at nothing in particular. "For today, we will finally be taken seriously!" [["Umm..."|Speech2]] [["Can you let me go now, please?|Speech2]]

Herman began to say something, but Dr. Hirschenbacker turned on his heel in a dramatic twirl and looked him straight in the eye. "And you, my fine friend," said the doctor, smiling again, although this time in a slightly unnerving fashion, "will be the key to our future success." "Your success as what?" said Herman weakly. The doctor leaned in close, mere inches from Herman's face. He could feel the doctor's breath warm his nostrils. "We," whispered Dr. Hirschenbacker, "are horse whisperers." [[Demand release]] [[Buck wildly|Buck wildly6]]

"Let me go!" shouted Herman. "I'm not a horse! I am a man!" "Oh, but you WERE a man," said Hirschenbacker confidently, "and now you are a horse. And you will become the bridge between mankind and horsekind for the benefit of all future horse-man-relations." "You're insane!" bellowed Herman. Hirschenbacker laughed uproariously, then stopped suddenly. His eyes fixed onto Herman's with a steely glare. "No," he said quietly, "you know what I am?" [["A nutjob?"|Escape]] [["A whacko?"|Escape]] [["A dingbat?"|Escape]] [["A fruity-loop?"|Escape]]

Herman found new strength to once again tear and pull at his restraints. "You can't escape," said Hirschenbacker firmly. "And do you know why?" "You're insane!" said Herman, continuing to struggle. Hirschenbacker ignored him. "I said, do you know why?" Herman didn't answer. Hirschenbacker continued, "You used to be a man. Now you're a horse. And you will usher in a new age for my profession. You will bridge the gulf of man-horse-relationships for generations to come. And you know why?" [["Because you're a nutjob?"|Escape]] [["Because you can't get a real job?"|Escape]] [["Because you can't find real friends?"|Escape]]

"Because..." said Herman, but Hirschenbacker interrupted him: "Because," said the doctor tersely, "I am sick of not being taken seriously." Just then, Herman heard another voice, this one from the crowd. "I've seen enough!" said the voice. A woman sprung from the back of the crowd, throwing her lab coat and notepad into the air, and brandishing a gun, all in a single flourishing movement. The shot from her gun rang out and reverberated loudly. Everyone except Herman hit the floor, covering their heads. "Go!" the woman yelled. "Run!" Suddenly, Herman felt it. He felt free. The woman had shot his restraints off. As Herman leaped into the air on his hind legs, basking in his newfound freedom, he felt the leather straps that previously secured him in place fall from his body. He only faintly saw Hirschenbacker raise himself up on his elbow and heard him shout, "You don't know what you've done!" before he leapt into a gallop, trampling Hirschenbackers head against the concrete floor with a sound like a very wet coconut cracking. The last words he remembered hearing were the woman shouting, "Go, you magnificent creature! Run free!" And run free he did, trampling a few other horse whisperers in lab coats and knocking over beeping and blinking machines as he rushed towards the open doors at the far end of the room. [[Run free]]

Herman crashed through the opening without losing his speed. He galloped across the paved parking lot into the foothills of a nearby grass area and onwards into the forest. He never found out who the lady was, or why she had helped him. But he owed her a debt of eternal gratitude. Now, for the first time in about a day or so, he was free to run wherever he wanted, do whatever he wanted - free and unhinged. He felt so elated and liberated. Three months later, he died from horse syphilis. THE END. (set: $endingHorseRescue to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman woke up one morning, convinced he was a horse. The day before had been going well, but he had increasingly become aware that his feet had turned into hoofs. Somewhere along the evening, he realized he had taken to walk on all fours around his kitchen, searching absent-mindedly for the carrots he deep down knew he hadn't bought. Now, as the morning sun shone through his window, he realized he was naked, covered in a light coat of fur, with a long tail and a spectacular mane. Also, his teeth had grown tremendously, his ears had moved to the top of his head, and he was no longer able to turn off his alarm without smashing his phone to pieces under the careless weight of his gigantic hoof. Herman wondered what he should do next. [[Have an epic panic attack]] [[Call the doctor]] [[Go look for carrots]]

Paying no attention to the amount of bodily harm he was currently bringing upon himself, Herman increased his flailing and bucking to hitherto unparallelled proportions. With no plan of action other than reckless waving of limbs, it wasn't long before his head collided hard with one side of the wall while his ass jammed against the shattered window, impaling itself on a shard of glass that had yet to fall off the window frame, causing a sting of sudden and sharp pain that sent Herman off on a very short but very eventful gallop through the side wall of what used to be a ten foot long hallway. Drywall and plaster and dust cascaded around him as he suddenly found himself staring through a horse-torso-shaped hole into a lovingly furnished sitting room. Ahead of him was what he dimly recalled being the front door of his house. [[Run through the front door]] [[Remain standing]]

Somewhere in the back of Herman's horse brain, his once-human mind kept telling him to calm down. That panicking wasn't going to make things any easier. That he was only making himself more agitated by becoming agitated. His horse brain, however, was fully in control of all his muscles, and his horse brain was shouting at him to panic harder. And so he did. Once the glass of the window had shattered, Herman's instincts informed him that he was under attack and that escape was of the utmost importance. He attempted to turn and bolt in the opposite direction from where the loud noise came, but this proved impossible in the small and narrow hallway in which he stood. What happened instead was that his head collided hard with one wall while his ass jammed against the shattered window, impaling itself on a shard of glass that had yet to fall off the window frame, causing a sting of sudden and sharp pain that sent Herman off on a very short but very eventful gallop through the side wall of what used to be a ten foot long hallway. Drywall and plaster and dust cascaded around him as he suddenly found himself staring through a horse-torso-shaped hole into a lovingly furnished sitting room. Ahead of him was what he dimly recalled being the front door of his house. [[Run through the front door]] [[Remain standing]]

Adrenaline surging through him, Herman continued his charge uninterrupted, knocking over furniture as he galloped through the small sitting room. In no time his neck and upper body collided with the front door, sending it flying off its hinges. Although he was much too big to fit through the door frame, the taste of freedom was far too alluring to ignore, and Herman kept charging through the impossibly narrow opening. Wood splintered and bits of plaster knocked bricks loose as his massive frame dove out of the front door, head first, trampling over three people in the process. Wait, what? He slowed down just a bit and looked behind him. There had been three people wearing lab coats just outside his door, but in his urgent rush he hadn't seen or heard them until now. Then, he heard another voice in front of him, shouting, "Stop! Slow down!" [[Slow down]] [[Keep going]]

As Herman gathered himself and coughed a little, he heard some commotion outside his front door. It sounded like a small group of people were right outside. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he saw the door knob twiddle. And then, just as he was processing what this might entail, the front door swung open. Three people dressed in white lab coats came rushing through. One of them was brandishing a long pole with a sharp pin at the end. He heard the man in the back yell something unintelligible and the person with the long pole rushed at him and jammed the sharp end of the pole into his leg. (set: $seenman to true) Herman whined and tried to flail some more, but the horse-shaped hole he was standing in was too narrow to allow that. Instead, he slammed his head against a bit of drywall that had yet to fall from the ceiling. The drywall crumbled innocently, sending dust into his eyes, blinding him. It was then he noticed that the lower half of his body was going numb. Within seconds, he felt his legs give way and his body hit the floor. The sensation only registered as a dull thud in his ribs before he lost all sensation and blacked out. [[Wait|Wait3]]

Herman had no way of knowing, or indeed of comprehending, low long he was under. When he came to, he opened his eyes slowly. His surroundings were so bright, all he could see was a white light. He was faintly aware of a voice whispering softly in his right ear. [[Listen to the voice]] [[Buck wildly|Buck wildly3]]

Herman slowed down and turned his head to face forward, just in time to come to a stop before he barreled into a van that was parked at the curb. In front of the van was another, identical van, and it was from this van that the voice came from. "Over here! Quick!" It sounded like a woman's voice, and it sounded urgent. (set: $heardvoice to true) Herman had only a few moments to contemplate if he should bring assistance or continue his escape. [[Open the van]] [[Bolt down the street]]

Herman's adrenaline rush kept going for just another two seconds. That was when his body collided with a van that had been parked at the curb. The van toppled over and crashed onto its side. Herman collapsed into a heap on the sidewalk. "Get up! Quick!" said a voice. (set: $heardvoice to true) Herman looked up. Another van, identical to the one he had just collided with, was parked right next to it. The voice was seemingly coming from inside. The voice continued, urgently, "Get me out of here! I'll help you!" [[Open the van]] [[Bolt down the street]]

Herman made a split-second decision. He had already either killed or seriously maimed three people in his escape. He needed some answers. "Stand back!" he shouted. "I'll break down the door!" He raised himself up on his hind legs and kicked the van's back door with his front legs. They squeaked and bent awkwardly. Another kick sent them flying open. Inside the van was another horse. Herman froze. He didn't know what to say or do. "Come on!" said the horse in the woman's voice. "We have to go! Now! They're coming around!" The woman horse jumped out of the van and began galloping down the street. [[Follow the woman horse]] [[Remain dumbfounded]]

Herman was long past caring about anyone or anything at this point other than his freedom. He took off in the opposite direction, clip-clopping down the street in a fierce gallop. Every muscle he had ached, but he kept running. When he crossed an intersection, he vaguely heard the sound of a vehicle coming towards him from behind in high-speed pursuit. He turned and looked, only to see the headlights of one of the vans colliding with his ass and sending him flying face-down into the asphalt. Just before he lost consciousness, he heard the same voice from inside the van yell: "You stupid idiot! Now we're both dead!" [[Wait|Wait3]]

Herman set off in a sprint, following the woman horse down the street. He had the vaguest notion that the people he had trampled earlier had come to and were getting back into their vans to give pursuit, but this quickly became a moot point when the woman horse abruptly changed direction and jumped the fence of a small residential house. Herman followed as quickly as he could. His limbs and muscles ached but his surge of adrenaline was still going strong and he was able to keep up. Continuing into the backyard and over a series of additional fences, it quickly became apparent that the woman horse either knew of a very complicated shortcut, or hadn't the faintest idea where she was going. It wasn't until they came to a brief halt in a cul-de-sac near the end of a long, paved road of small houses, that Herman realized the woman horse's plan. Beyond the cul-de-sac was nothing except the vast expanse of desert. Hills of sand and tiny cacti dotted the area, the monotony of which only broken up by small rock formations that did little to liven up the scenery. "You expect us to go into the desert?" asked Herman, dumbfounded. "It's the only place where we can hide and be free," said the woman horse, and turned to run. [["But we'll die out there!"]] [["Who are you, anyway?"]] [[Follow her into the desert]]

Herman watched as the woman horse ran down the road and ducked down a small side road. He then felt a very sharp pain in the side of his hind leg. He turned to see what had happened. He saw one of the lab-coat-wearing people hunched over another one near the remnants of his front door. The third lab-coat-wearing person was standing right behind him holding a long pole with a pointy end. The pointy end was buried deep in his hind leg. The person retracted the pole and Herman felt a numbness spread rapidly from his hind leg throughout his whole body. Before he knew it, his legs gave way and he collapsed onto the pavement, passed out. [[Wait|Wait3]]

"But we'll die out there!" protested Herman. "There's nothing out there but scorching sun." "It's better than the enslavement of those people," said the woman horse. "How?" said Herman. "How is that better? How is burning to death under the hot sun, or dying of thirst in an arid desert, preferable to anything they could do to us?" "You don't know what they were going to do," said the woman horse flatly and began trotting into the desert. [["What were they going to do?"]] [["Who are you, anyway?"]] [[Follow her into the desert]]

Herman followed (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[the woman horse] into the desert in a measured but hasty trot. They crossed several dunes and passed innumerable small rock formations. The adrenaline in Herman's body began to fade away and was replaced by a series of aches and pains from a number of small, internal injuries caused by his panic reactions back at the house. (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[The woman horse] kept going at an undiminished pace, but Herman was having trouble and started lagging behind. "Where are we going?" he asked finally, not only because he wanted to know, but also to subtly indicate that he was perhaps further behind than she realized. "You'll see," said (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[the woman horse] simply. [[Keep going|DesertGo]] [[Rest|DesertRest]]

The woman horse, back turned to Herman, muttered something that Herman couldn't quite make out. But from the tone of her voice, it sounded along the lines of, "You don't wanna know." The woman horse was already a good distance away from Herman at this point. He realized he had to make a decision. [[Go back]] [[Follow her into the desert]]

Herman called out after the woman horse, "Who are you, anyway? How do you know all those things? What were you doing in the back of that van?" He realized those were a lot of questions, and he had more, but since those were his top three, he stopped there. The woman horse simply said, "I'm Shyna. Are you coming with me or not?" (set: $knowshyna to true) [[Follow her into the desert]] [[Go back]]

"You know what, I think I'll just stay here," said Herman. (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[The woman horse] just shrugged a horsey-shrug and kept trotting into the desert. As he watched her retreat into the distance until she was just a tiny dot on the horizon, Herman was oblivious to the sound of two vans pulling up behind him. His only reaction came as a high-pitched, sustained whine as something sharp jabbed into his left hind leg. A numbness spread rapidly from the point of impact throughout his body, and his whine declined in pitch until it became a low whisper as he finally hit the ground, unconscious. [[Wait|Wait3]]

Ten minutes passed. Then another ten. Then another. Finally, around the 45 minute mark, Herman was beginning to wonder if they were even on the right track. Every muscle in his bone was screaming out in agony, and the hot sun baking on his back was making him incredibly irritable. "How much longer?" he demanded. (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[The woman horse] finally stopped. Their surroundings hadn't changed in all the time they had been walking. They were surrounded by desert on every side. Cacti, tufts of dry grass, and tiny bits of rock was all Herman had known for the last couple of hours. (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[The woman horse] turned around and faced him. "I don't know if you've noticed," she said in an eerie, unfamiliar voice, "but we're not actually in the desert." [[Look around|DesertLook]] [[Laugh derisively]]

"I'm a bit tired," said Herman, "and, to be honest, in a great deal of pain. Is there any way we can have a rest?" "We're nearly there," replied (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[the woman horse] and continued her trot unabated. "That's good," said Herman. [[Keep going|DesertGo]]

Herman looked around. Again, desert as far as the eye could see. Rocks. Grass. Sand. Lots of sand. Finally, he said, "I'm not?" "You're not what?" said a tiny beetle sitting on the edge of the thin strand of a cactus needle. The beetle's voice echoed and grew louder and louder in Herman's ears. "I'm not... in the desert," he said weakly. The sunlight above his head intensified rapidly, blinding him. [[Pass out]]

Herman laughed at the absurdity of the statement. He was hot, he was aching, and he was miserable. (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[The woman horse] had offered no explanation since their escape and now she was playing mind games? The only reaction Herman had left was to laugh. "I'm serious," said (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[the woman horse], her voice not coming from her mouth but reverberating all around Herman in a never-ending echo. "Look around you." [[Look around|DesertLook]] [[Laugh some more]] [[Pass out]]

Herman continued laughing, even as the sun continued to shine bright in his eyes... ever increasingly brighter... until his vision was nothing more than a blinding white light. His last memory was of his own laughter still echoing in his brain as he collapsed. [[Wait|Pass out]]

Herman had no way of knowing how long he was out. He was, however, somewhat annoyed to find that, when he did finally wake up, his headache had not gone away, nor had the perpetual aching in his body. In fact, it had only gotten worse. He did feel a lot less bulky, though. As his eyes adjusted to his surroundings, his vision only interrupted by the rhythmic blurring caused by his pounding head, he saw nothing but fur. Giant tufts of fur in front of him. The giant fur was moving slowly, up and down, as if it was breathing. "(if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[Hello? Lady horse]?" he called out, but there was no answer. He was all alone. Except for the giant breathing lump of fur in front of him. Suddenly, the fur broke its breathing rhythm and stirred. Herman's anxiety kicked into high gear. [[Run away|FleaRun]] [[Remain standing|FleaStand]]

Herman turned his body and ran, keeping his eyes fixed on the huge ball of fur. It stirred and moved slowly, but definitely towards him. Because he wasn't looking where he was going, Herman only realized too late that the ground below him suddenly wasn't there anymore. He fell and fell, screaming and clawing at nothing, for what seemed like forever. As he fell, his mind raced and screamed at him: "Why me? What have I done? What's happened to me?" After what seemed like forever, his fall stopped abruptly. He had landed. But where? [[Look around|FleaLook]]

Paralyzed by fear, Herman remained frozen to his spot. The giant ball of fur moved slowly and deliberately, then settled down. Herman could now see that it was, in fact, a giant cat. It was enormous, at least 80 times the size of Herman, and it was sleeping. It'd had its back turned to him, but had now turned around and was facing him. It paid no attention to him, but had simply gone back to sleep. The soft, rhythmic motions were of its body heaving as it drew and exhaled breath. Herman's anxiety left, replaced by curiosity. Where was he? Why was this cat so huge? Maybe, he thought, if he got a good vantage point, he could find out more about where he was. [[Climb cat]] [[Walk around cat]]

Herman found himself on a hard surface. He hadn't broken anything. He felt no pain from his landing. From the texture of the surface, he deduced that he was standing on wood. Probably hardwood floor. This assumption quickly turned to confirmation, and a very panicked one at that, when a loud whooshing noise suddenly came towards him at great speed. His flea brain had forgotten what this apparatus was called, but it was, in fact, a vacuum cleaner. Its nozzle sucked Herman up and sent him tumbling through the long, dark tube into the vaccum cleaner bag inside the machine. With no nourishment of any kind, Herman was left to starve to death inside the vacuum cleaner. His last memories were of (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna](else:)[the woman horse], whom he came to realize he probably never should have trusted. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman began his trek towards the cat and it quickly became apparent that scaling it would be a monumental task. With every step he took closer to it, the larger it loomed, until it filled his vision entirely. When he got close enough to stand next to it, he realized two things: That he could easily reach out and touch it, and the cat wouldn't feel a thing. And, two, that he really wanted to lay eggs in it. [[Crawl into cat fur]] [[Climb cat|ClimbCat2]]

Herman began his trek around the cat. Its tail was lying against the wall, and it was a narrow corridor, but there was a small space between the cat's head and the surroundings beyond. So he decided he had no choice but to make his journey around the giant feline's head, hoping it wouldn't wake up and spot him. Cats, he remembered, were notoriously playful. Tiny beings, like himself currently, would be irresistible as playthings - or prey. He walked slowly on all six of his legs towards the cat's head, which was resting, face down, in the crooked nook of its front leg. As he approached it, he could feel the warm breeze of the cat's exhale on his antennaes. A lot of things were registering in Herman's head that he should have paid greater attention to, but he was too fixated on the status of the cat that he failed to realize he was, in fact, a tiny flea. [[Continue around cat]]

Herman's precarious journey continued, his eyes at all times fixed on the sleeping head of the cat, until the head loomed so large in his vision that it became impossible to see anything but the giant tufts of its fur wafting gently in the wind of its exhale. He found himself with an inexplicable urge to lay eggs in its fur. [[Crawl into cat fur]] [[Continue around its head]]

(set: $endingFlea to true)Herman was unaware of an increasing amount of things that he really should have been paying attention to, such as why he was now a female flea and why he was presently scurrying inside the warm tufts of an adult cat's fur towards its warm skin where he could feast on its blood and lay eggs. He also didn't recall mating with any male fleas recently, but that was probably because he wasn't actively trying to. All he could think of was having a nice, long snack and lay some eggs. [[Have a nice, long snack and lay some eggs]] [[Stop and think for a while]]

Herman walked briskly around the cat's head. As he rounded its whiskers, a sudden gust of wind from its exhale caught him off guard and sent him flying at great speed. He closed his eyes, thinking this was it. This was the end. But it wasn't. After several moments, the rush of wind around his head stopped and he found himself on his feet again. [[Open your eyes|FleaLook]]

Herman's ascent began with increasing difficulty as he found the warm, throbbing skin of the cat almost irresistible. He wanted to dive head-first into it, feeding off all the warm blood he could sense bubbling and churning just underneath the surface. Eventually, the temptation proved too immense to ignore. He felt thirsty, hungry, and pregnant. [[Crawl into cat fur]]

And so Herman settled in next to the cat's warm body, plunged his stylets into its skin, and began suckling at its capillary. He enjoyed a hearty meal, suckling as well as pooping out excess blood, and eventually settled in to lay his eggs. At no time did he stop to appreciate, or even register, the absurd nature of his current predicament. He was simply happy being a flea, being a mother, and having a seemingly endless supply of fresh, warm blood to feed on. Six months later, he died, happy and content, from a flea shampoo rinse. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman paused for just a second, thinking: "Why am I here?" It was at that moment that everything registered all at once: He was not a human, nor a horse. He was tiny, less than an eighth of an inch. He was hungry, pregnant, and female. He was currently perched on a domesticated feline and was experiencing an intense desire to drink its blood. None of these things seemed even remotely familiar to the Herman he had known for the past 34 years of his life. The Herman that went to Sunnyville Elementary and flunked math. The Herman that took a correspondence course in journalism and got hired at the local newspaper. The Herman that met Michelle in the coffee shop next to the library where he was studying, and whom he eventually married in a book-themed wedding at the beach resort in Boca Raton. The Herman that had since separated from Michelle as their differences grew insurmountable, largely fueled by his own inability to recognize the vast gulf of opinions between them from the start, and his ever-increasing obsession with reading books and magazines about fishing without ever actually putting that knowledge to use by going on fishing trips. The Herman that went to bed, just 24 hours ago, a normal, average-sized, male human being, tired and perhaps a bit depressed, but nothing to worry too much about. The Herman who had spent about 12 hours being a horse and was now a pregnant flea stuck on the side of a housecat who, he noticed, was no longer asleep. [[Panic|CatPanic]] [[Eat]]

Herman's mind went into overdrive. The sudden realizations, coupled with the fact that he was in mortal danger, sent him spiralling into the most epic of epic panic attacks. He screamed, "I'm not a flea! I'm not a horse! I want out! Please! I want out!" When that didn't work, he resorted to just screaming incoherent babble words, flailing his six legs around at random. He had only the vaguest notion that he was no longer perched on the feline. He was mid-air, sailing through the unknown, but he didn't care. At no point did he open his eyes. He just continued screaming. Finally, his screams took on words again. "I'm Herman! I'm Herman!" he cried. And then... impact. [[Open eyes]] [[Keep eyes closed]]

Herman resigned himself to his fate. There was no way he would ever learn what had transpired. He was hungry and his urge to lay eggs had only paused but had not diminished while he was reflecting on his current state. Now that reality had come crashing back, he found himself only faintly recalling his human or equestrian past, and instead concentrated on sating the most immediate, primal urge at hand. He realized he could hold on to the cat quite easily, even while it was in motion. So he sunk his two outer stylets into the flesh of the cat and began suckling at the blood. The cat seemed to pay no attention. But just as he was about to finish his meal and lay eggs, something startled the cat. It wasn't him. Something he couldn't see; something beyond him. The cat suddenly shot into the air, leaping fiercely, knocking Herman off-balance and sending him flying off into the great void. Herman flew upwards in a short arc before beginning his long, long, desperately long descent, during which time all he could think was, "Hey... at least my headache's gone." When he finally landed, he was in unfamiliar territory. [[Look around|FleaLook]]

(set: $pissyourself to false)(set: $horsetalk to false)(set: $fleatalk to false)Herman opened his eyes. He found he was sitting upright in a chair in a room. The room had no descript features: no windows, no decorations. Just grey walls. Above him hung a single light, shining directly down on him. He was unable to tell the size of the room as the spotlight above him both blinded him and shrouded the corners of the room in darkness. In front of him, less than a few inches away, was a woman's face. "Ah," she said simply. Herman recognized the voice. It was (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna's](else:)[the woman horse's]. But she was no longer (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna, the horse.](else:)[a horse.] And neither was Herman. Herman was human again. "Who... are you?" croaked Herman. (if: $knowshyna is true)["You know me," she said. "as Shyna. But that's not actually my real name. It's](else:)["I never told you," she said, "but my name is] Wendy. And, as you can see..." She took a step back and did a twirl. "...I'm not a horse." She most definitely was not. Wendy was a woman in her early 40's, wearing a long, red summer dress with white polka-dots on it. When she twirled, the skirt of the dress ballooned out and danced around her in a lazy circle. She smiled as her twirl came to an end, facing away from Herman. "Now," she said flatly to someone behind her. Herman didn't have time to see whom she was addressing before a shot of electricity went through him. [[Scream]] [[Escape|ChairEscape]] [[Demand answers]]

Herman kept his eyes closed, afraid of what might happen if he opened them. He continued keeping them closed, even as he felt a warm breath come closer to his face. [[Keep eyes closed|EyesClosed2]] [[Open eyes]]

A soft, feminine voice whispered, "Herman?" Herman's eyes remained closed. But the voice sounded familiar. It continued, "Herman? Are you awake?" (if: $knowshyna is true)[He recognized the voice. It was Shyna's.](else:)[It sounded like the horse woman he rescued from the van.] But... no, that was impossible. [[Keep eyes closed|EyesClosed3]] [[Open eyes]]

He felt (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna's](else:)[the woman's] breath leave his face. She addressed someone else: "Is he coming around?" A voice in the room replied, "His vitals are up. He's definitely awake." (if: $knowshyna is true)[Shyna's](else:)[The woman's] face returned to his, her warm breath going into his nostrils. He detected the faint aroma of Ceasar's salad. "You can open your eyes now, Herman," she said. "Don't be afraid." [[Open eyes]]

The shock was over in an instant, but Herman screamed anyway. Wendy turned around and took a step towards him, bending at the waist so her face was once again inches away from his. "Where are they?" she asked, a sly smile creeping over her face. "Where are who?" Herman replied with genuine confusion. Wendy didn't take her eyes from his. She simply said, "Again." And again the shot of electricity went through his muscles, this time with more intensity. It was only for the briefest of seconds, but he felt his bladder lose control and a warm puddle spread from his crotch. (set: $pissyourself to true) [[Scream again]] [[Escape|ChairEscape]] [[Demand answers]]

Herman tried leaping up from the sitting position he was in, only to find that he was restrained on both his hands and feet. "What are you doing?!" he demanded. "Let me go!" "I see our little friend demands his freedom," said Wendy mockingly. "Hit him again." "No, wait--" Herman's protests were cut short when yet another bolt shot through his body. (if: $pissyourself is false)[When the shock was over, his muscles relaxed, including his bladder, which gave up all preconcieved notions of self-control or decency and began slowly dripping urine through his pants.](set: $pissyourself to true) "Now," said Wendy in a stern and strangely alluring voice. "You will tell me everything I need to know." The last jolt had taken the fight out of Herman. He would do anything to prevent another shock. [[Tell her about that time you were a horse]] [[Tell her about that time you were a flea]] [[Tell her about fishing]]

"What are you doing?!" shouted Herman. "I demand to know what this is!" "This," said Wendy with a sudden burst of authoritarian anger, "is an interrogation. And I'm asking the questions!" She waved her hand casually at the back of the room and another jolt shot through Herman, causing his entire body to tense up. (if: $pissyourself is false)[His bladder relinquished all delusions of self-control and a wet puddle began forming around his crotch.] (set: $pissyourself to true) Herman's body was somewhere beyond panic. Beyond fight-or-flight. It was in a resting place of pure survival. He would say anything, do anything, perform any action, as long as he could avoid another shock. "Now I want you to tell me everything," said Wendy in a deceptively calm voice. "And I mean everything." [[Tell her about that time you were a horse]] [[Tell her about that time you were a flea]] [[Tell her about fishing]]

"Ow!" screamed Herman. "That really hurts! Why are you doing this to me?" "We want to make certain," said Wendy sternly, the smile now gone from her face, "that you understand the situation you're in." "I don't understand the situation I'm in at all!" said Herman. "Then perhaps a few thousand more volts will jolt your memory," said Wendy. "No, really!" urged Herman. "I don't know what you mean!" Wendy laughed suddenly and uproariously. "Ha! I just realized. 'Volts.' 'Jolt.' I'm such a natural. Aren't I a natural?" The voice behind her, still shrouded in the unseen, agreed with her. "Yes, ma'am. Very natural." Wendy finished her laugh, wiping a single tear from her eye. She took a deep breath and exhaled. Then she said, "Alright, hit him." Another shot of electricity went through Herman's body. This one felt 10 times as powerful as the others. He felt his heart skip a beat. "Stop!" he shouted. "I'll tell you everything you want!" Wendy fixed her eyes on him. "Everything?" "Yes, everything!" [[Tell her about that time you were a horse]] [[Tell her about that time you were a flea]] [[Tell her about fishing]]

(if: $horsetalk is true)["I was also a horse..." he continued, but Wendy interrupted him. "Yes, we've been over that," she said. "Think earlier than that."](else:)["(if: $fleatalk is true)[Before that, ]I woke up this morning thinking I was a horse," he began. "I don't know how... I just woke up with... hooves... and standing on all fours. It... it was a nightmare." Wendy looked unimpressed. "And?" she said. (set: $horsetalk to true)] [[Tell her about that time you were a flea]] [[Tell her about fishing]]

(if: $fleatalk is true)["Then I was a flea..." Herman continued, but Wendy waved him off. "Yes, you've said that already," she said. "Go back earlier."](else:)[(set: $fleatalk to true)"The last thing I remember," said Herman weakly, "was... being tiny... almost microscopic. I had six legs... and I was about to drink a cat's blood." Wendy's eyes widened ever so slightly. Her interest was piqued. "Yes?" she urged. "Think back earlier."] [[Tell her about that time you were a horse]] [[Tell her about fishing]]

"I remember being human," said Herman. "A human who enjoyed... fishing." "Fishing?" said Wendy, her eyes wide. "Yes, or... rather," continued Herman, "reading about fishing." "Reading?" Wendy's eyes widened even further. "Yes... look, is this what you wanted to know?" Wendy's arm went up, about to signal. "No, wait!" Herman shouted. "I... I'll tell you more about the fishing!" Wendy's arm went back down. She leaned forward. A drip of saliva was forming at the edge of her lip, but she made no effort to keep it from dripping. "I read fishing magazines," Herman continued, almost tripping over his words in his urge to get as many of them out as quickly as possible. "Any kind of fishing magazine. I just liked the look of them. The rods, the bait. The various attachments. The boats. Oh god, the boats. And the open water, the big shoes - what do you call them? Loafers? Waders? Waders, yes - and... and..." He noticed Wendy hadn't blinked once. She was entranced. [[Keep talking about fishing]] [[Ask if she's alright]]

"I could never bring myself to go fishing for real, of course," Herman continued. "I mean..." Wendy suddenly spoke. "Why not?" "Well..." Herman stuttered, eager not to lose his flow of words that kept the electrical shocks at bay. "It's a bit weird, isn't it? Capturing fish and then letting them go again? Just for the sake of catching them? It seems a bit cruel, I think. I'm not much for seafood myself. I don't even like the taste of fish. I just like the calm serenity of it all. Standing knee-deep in water with a rod in my hand, waiting for fish to bite. That anticipation, that waiting. That's what I crave. Not the fishing itself. The *concept* of fishing." "Is that all?" said Wendy. The drool had fallen from her chin and was dripping slowly onto the floor. Weakly, and with more than a hint of confusion, Herman muttered, "Y-yes?" "Good." Herman suddenly felt another jolt in his body and he braced himself for pain, but none came. Instead, the jolt he felt were his restraints coming loose and falling to the floor. "You," said Wendy slowly and deliberately, "are free to go." She turned around and addressed the still-unseen technician in the back. "Pack this up. Let's get a move on. We've got another rendez-vous in 25 minutes." [[Punch Wendy in the back of the head]] [[Remain seated]]

Herman noticed the drool in the corner of Wendy's lip had pooled into a large globule that was now slowly making its way down her chin. "Are... are you alright?" asked Herman. Without taking her eyes from his, Wendy quickly raised her hand and snapped her fingers. A tiny jolt went through Herman. It lasted only the briefest of seconds and wasn't nearly as powerful as the others, but it prompted Herman not to allow himself to be distracted anymore. [[Keep talking about fishing]]

Herman flew to his feet, took a quick step forward, and sent a clenched fist flying with as much force as he could muster into the back of Wendy's head. He was as surprised as he could be when his fist went straight through her skull like she was made of papier-mâché. Her thin skull cracked and a thousand flies, buzzing angrily and menacingly, came flying out of her head. They swarmed with blistering speed at Herman's head, quickly forming an impenetrable, dizzying shell around his face. Herman swatted and flailed in a panic, but to no avail. He felt the small, tiny bites of the flies peck away at the skin of his face. With absurd efficiency, it didn't take long before he could feel them penetrate beyond the outer layers of his flesh into his sensitive nerves and, finally, beyond that and into his skull. Screaming soundlessly, his mouth full of buzzing flies, he felt his eyeballs being eaten from within and he finally, after the most agonizing 30 seconds of his life, lost consciousness from the pain. The last sound he heard before passing out, other than the loud buzzing, was the sound of the technician in the back of the room laughing. Then, Herman was dead. THE END. (set: $endingFlies to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Despite being free to go, Herman was so dumbfounded by the turn of events that he remained seated. As Wendy retreated into the shadows, the technician, who had previously been engulfed by the shadow, came forward. He was a short, stocky man with thin hair and a devious smile. He went up and put his arm around Wendy, saying, "Thank you, my dear, that will be all." He stuck two fingers into her ribs and Wendy collapsed immediately on the floor, as if all her muscles suddenly stopped working all at once. The man stepped over her still body and came up to Herman. "Hello," he said simply. Herman blinked. Then blinked again. Then, finally, was able to stutter, "H-hello?" "I am Dr. Hirschenbacker," said the man. "And I'm pleased to present to you... the future." [[Behold the future]] [[Punch Dr. Hirschenbacker in the face]]

Dr. Hirschenbacker suddenly spread out both of his arms in a wild, dramatic gesture. The walls of the room lifted up as if on wires to the sound of thunderous applause. Herman watched dumbfounded as light shone brightly in from the surrounding, much larger, room. It was a factory hall. Rows and rows of machinery whose purposes Herman could only guess were stacked beside tall columns of crates, rows of conveyer belts, and - most disturbing of all - an array of horse-sized cubicles. The applause came from a gathering of about twenty or so technicians in lab coats who were beside themselves with glee. Dr. Hirschenbacker lowered his dramatic arms and the applause died down almost instantaneously. "My friends," he said, his voice booming and echoing in the large hall, "today marks the auspicious occasion when our society is born anew! No longer will we be the laughing stock of the--" He only got so far before a female voice from the back of the crowd shouted, "Not so fast, Hirschenbacker!" Herman remained seated, jaw agape, as one of the lab-coat-wearing technicians leaped out from the back of the crowd, tossing her lab coat aside and brandishing a gun, all in a single flourish. The gun went off and Dr. Hirschenbacker dropped to the floor in an instant, blood oozing from the small, new hole in his temple. The other lab-coat-wearing people were on the ground, covering their heads. The woman gestured at Herman, shouting, "Come on, let's go! We have to move fast!" [[Remain seated|EscapeSeat]] [[Run with the woman]]

Herman clenched his fist, jumped to his feet and swung his hand upwards, making swift and hard contact with the doctor's jaw. The doctor didn't flinch. He simply said, "Ow." With startling speed, he then shot out his left elbow, impacting with ferocity on Herman's nose. Herman heard the unmistakeable sound of bone crunching, but coming from inside his skull, and he collapsed back into the chair. "The future, I guess," said the doctor, turning his back to Herman, "is not for you after all." Before Herman could protest, he heard a door open behind him. The doctor retreated back into the shadows, but Herman didn't pay any attention to him anymore. He was far more concerned with the angry, loud buzzing sound behind him. He turned around to catch only a moment's glimpse of a large, angry swarm of flies coming straight at him, engulfing his head and obscuring his eyesight. He felt them peck and prod at his flesh, picking away at it until they pierced his skin, then working under the small layers of fat until they hit the sensitive nerves... and then beyond, into his skull. As his head was being eaten alive from within, Herman screamed a soundless scream that lasted all the way to his demise, about two minutes later. THE END. (set: $endingFlies to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman didn't know what to make of any of this. His brain had registered every action that had played out in front of him but it refused to process any of it. The woman ran up to Herman and grabbed him by the arm. "We don't have time for this!" she said. "Come on!" She pulled Herman to his feet and dragged him across the tiny sea of prone lab-coat-wearing people. Herman did his best not to step on any of them, but the woman was less careful, and there were one or two yelps as she stepped on their backs and somebody's foot on her way out. Herman noticed she wore large combat boots and could swear he heard at least one bone snap during their escape. Outside was a huge, deserted parking lot surrounded by forest. In the parking lot was a single camouflaged jeep. The woman urged, "Get in!" [[Ask her name]] [[Get in the jeep]]

Herman leapt to his feet and ran after the woman who was already halfway across the hall. She was running towards an open door where daylight billowed through, and so was Herman now. Outside was a large, empty parking lot surrounded by forest. In the parking lot stood a single camouflaged jeep. The woman urged Herman, "Get in the jeep! Now!" [[Ask her name]] [[Get in the jeep]]

"I don't even know who you are," said Herman. "What's your name?" "You didn't know *their* names, either!" she said. "But they wanted you dead, and I don't. Now get in the jeep!" "But how do I know if I can trust you?" insisted Herman. Just then, a loud klaxon went off. It came from a large tower somewhere behind the huge hall they had just fled from, and the sound echoed through the empty parking lot. "There's no time!" shouted the woman over the din. "Get in the damn jeep!" [[Insist on a name]] [[Get in the jeep]]

Herman only thought for a split-second. Anything was better than what he just came from. He ran up to the passenger seat door of the jeep, heaved it open, and jumped in, nearly hitting his head in the process. The woman was already in the driver's seat, the engine running, and she slammed her foot down on the accelerator the moment Herman's ass landed in the seat. He didn't even have time to close the door before the jeep sped off over the curb of the parking lot and into the grassy terrain beyond it. Just then, the sound of a loud klaxon echoed throughout the trees. "We'll be safe in here," assured the woman as she drove the jeep at terrifying high speed into the woods. Weaving and careening between the trees and over the uneven terrain, the jeep felt like it was a toy car being pulled on a string by some giant toddler. Several times, Herman yelped and covered his eyes as a tree came rushing straight at them, only for the jeep to veer and narrowly miss it. The woman never slowed down for a second. She kept her eyes fixed ahead the entire time. "If we get to the landing pad," she shouted over the noise of the engine and Herman's screaming, "we should be safe!" [[Hold on to something]] [[Leap out of the door]]

"I'm afraid I'm going to need a name from you," said Herman, crossing his arms. The woman, who at this point was already in the driver's seat of the jeep, punched the steering wheel and cursed loudly. She got out of the jeep, ran up to Herman, and pistol-whipped him across the head. Herman squealed and went limp. The woman took him under the shoulder and dragged him over to the jeep, opened the passenger seat door, and, with very little care and attention for his comfort or well-being, threw him into the vehicle. She then ran around to the driver's seat, jumped in, and turned the key in the ignition. The jeep came to life. Herman was groggy but not unconscious. He felt unable to move, but he could see and hear the woman say, "Let's hope we're not too late," before a dime-sized hole appeared in her forehead and something very wet and squishy hit the windshield in front of them. The woman slumped over the steering wheel, dead. Herman, still unable to move, became quite concerned at this turn of events. His concern did not become in any way diminished when he heard the heavy sound of running footsteps behind him. [[Get out of the jeep]] [[Climb over to the driver's seat]] [[Remain in the passenger's seat]]

Herman tried to open the door. His fingers wiggled weakly at the door handle, and he let out a frustrated grunt when he realized it was impossible. He couldn't muster the strength to lift the release. But then, suddenly and without warning, there was a loud crash. A shower of glass rained down on him. He felt a gloved hand reach down and slap his hand away from the door handle. The next thing he knew, he tumbled out of the passenger seat onto the concrete below. "This the one?" said a gruff voice. "Yeah," said another, "but it really doesn't matter, seeing as the Grand Master is dead. So, I mean..." "Say no more," said the first one. Herman heard the sound of a gun cocking and then a loud bang. These were the last two sounds he ever heard. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman struggled to get his muscles to obey him, but they refused. It wasn't long before he heard a tapping on the passenger side window. Unable to move his head very well, he could just about see a soldier-type person, clad in camouflage gear and with a mask over his head, tap the window with the tip of his gun. After a few taps, he raised his gun up high and brought it crashing down into the window, sending a rain of glass showering over Herman. Herman was then dragged out onto the pavement in a heap. "This the one?" grunted the soldier type who had dragged him out. "Yes," said another, "but it hardly matters now. The Grand Master is dead." "Say no more," said the soldier type and cocked his gun. A second later, Herman heard a loud bang, which was the last thing he ever heard. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman, being unable to move and very groggy, remained in the passenger seat of the jeep, resigned to his fate. His fate came about twenty seconds later when a soldier-looking type in camouflage and a mask covering his face smashed a gun through the passenger side window, sending a rain of glass cascading over Herman. He flinched but remained otherwise still. The soldier-looking type reached through the window, opened the door, and began to drag Herman outside. "Is this the one?" grunted the soldier to one of his comrades. "Yes," said another, "but the Grand Master is dead, so there's really no need to--" "Say no more," said the first one and cocked his gun. A second later, Herman heard a loud bang, which was the last thing he ever heard. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

With the passenger door still ajar, Herman clawed at his own seat in order not to fall out. A wayward branch from a large tree slammed against the door at breakneck speed and the jeep tilted dangerously onto its side, continuing for a few feet on two wheels, before the woman somehow course corrected them back onto four wheels. At no point did the speed of the jeep drop even a single mile per hour. Suddenly, up ahead, Herman spotted a clearing. It was small, circular, and paved. On it was a helicopter, rotors in motion. "That's good! They haven't compromised our rendez-vous point," said the woman and, somehow, impossibly, accelerated to go even faster. The jeep sped over a small incline just at the edge of the forest and was, for a brief moment, airborne. When it landed, it did so hard against the concrete pavement of the landing pad. Hermans jaw slammed closed and he felt one of his teeth come loose. The jeep skidded to a stop with a loud whine from its wheels. Smoke billowed from somewhere on the vehicle. The woman threw open the driver's side door and yelled at Herman to follow her into the helicopter. [[Follow the woman into the helicopter]] [[Piss yourself]]

Herman looked at the woman and smiled. The woman was looking straight ahead and did not notice his smile. Nor did she notice when Herman leapt from the seat and out through the open door. Herman had vastly underestimated the speed they were going. He tumbled and rolled for what felt like minutes. Every part of his body, not least his head, thumped and banged against hard surfaces and scratched against protruding branches and harsh vegetation to the point where he wished he would just pass out already. When he finally stopped rolling and came to a rest, every part of his body hurt. If he had been shown one of those charts with a pain scale and been told to rate the level of pain he felt in every inch of his body, he would have told them to take away the scale and come back with a new one that went about 12 steps higher. He felt as if his skin had been turned inside out and his raw nerves were being raked over a bed of broken glass. He could faintly hear the sound of the jeep retreating into the distance. Either the woman had not yet noticed he had gone, or she had decided to go on without him. A few minutes passed. He then heard a helicopter lift off and fly away. The sound of the rotors echoed through the woods until it became imperceptible. All this time, Herman was unable to move and in the greatest amount of pain he had ever been in his life. That is, until a hungry and sexually frustrated wild bear came upon him. The bear swatted him around a bit, first playfully, then a bit more forcefully. When Herman somehow ended up in a bent position over a small rock, the bear proceeded to have its way with him. It was at this point that mercy finally took pity on Herman and allowed him to pass out before his injuries, both old and those he was currently sustaining, eventually resulting in his death. THE END. (set: $endingBear to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman jumped out of the jeep, ran a short distance over to the side of the helicopter, and accepted the outstretched hand of the woman who pulled him inside. The woman signalled the pilot with her free hand. Mere seconds later, the helicopter lifted off. Herman slumped against the back of the helicopter, out of breath and intensely confused. Other than the woman, there was also a man in the back of the helicopter. He had a very bushy moustache and was wearing what looked like a old WWI war helmet with the words, "BRING IT, LOSER" written on it. The woman fitted Herman with a headset and put one on herself. The gentleman with the helmet was already wearing one. He spoke into the microphone, "Greetings, Herman. How are you?" Herman was unable to formulate a coherent sentence, so he instead gave a limp wave to indicate that he was, under the circumstances, fine, but very, very confused. "Glad to hear it," said the man, beaming enthusiastically. "I am Heretic S. Pinklebottom, global explorer and inventor of the sunbeam." Herman blinked a few times, trying to accept and process this new information. The man extended his hand, which was holding a small bag of sweets. "Care for a toffee?" [[Take the toffee]] [[Ask him to repeat his name]] [[Ask him to repeat his credentials]] [[Jump out of the helicopter]]

Herman's bladder(if: $pissyourself is true)[, for the second time in less than 15 minutes,] suddenly realized it had something it would like to add to the proceedings. A jet of warm urine rushed out of Herman's urethra and into his pants. The woman, already at the door to the helicopter, noticed Herman was still in his seat. She waved and shouted at him, but Herman couldn't hear her over the loud noise of the rotors. [[Follow the woman into the helicopter]] [[Climb into the driver's seat]]

Herman decided to take matters of his fate into his own hands. He climbed over the gearbox into the driver's seat where the woman had left the keys in the ignition and the engine running. He caught one last eye contact with the woman as she realized what he was doing. She was waving both her arms at him and shouting something frantically, and Herman could easily guess what it was. Herman raised his eyebrows at her like a facial shrug, grasped the steering wheel with both hands, and slammed his foot down on the accelerator. The jeep took off, past the helicopter, and bounced into the forested area on the other side. Herman felt a sense of elation. He was finally free. No one to tell him what to do. He was taking charge of his own destiny. He was also, he realized way too late, a much worse driver than the woman. The jeep crashed head-first into a particularly large tree and came to a very unceremonious stop. Herman's face and the rest of his body catapulted halfway out of the driver's seat and through the windshield before also coming into contact with the tree, which remained steadfastly uncaring about the whole endeavor and entirely immovable. Herman's skull bore the brunt of the impact and he only had a few seconds after impact to reflect on how he would at least die a free man before he perished. His remains were soon picked up by a group of soldiers who had to wrestle him from the claws of a particularly hungry and possibly sexually aroused wild bear, but he was too dead to notice. THE END. (set: $endingBear to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Having lost all capacity for rational thought, Herman decided to accept the toffee offered to him. When he grabbed a piece of candy from the bag, there was a sudden flash of light. In an instant, the rumbling and roaring of the helicopter came to an immediate stop. Everything became still. Bright lights shone down from the ceiling he hadn't realized was there. "That's it, everyone!" shouted Pinklebottom. "He took the toffee! We can all go home now!" He stood up and walked casually out of the open door of the helicopter, dropped down about two feet, and walked away. The woman who had rescued Herman did likewise. Herman inched over and looked out of the helicopter's door. It was not airborne. It was in a small-ish studio mounted on gimbals. Above him shone a trio of bright stage lights. The walls around him were painted green. He could hear the woman and Pinklebottom muttering at the end of the soundstage. [[Leave the helicopter]] [[Go to sleep]]

"I'm sorry, what was your name?" shouted Herman over the din. "Pinklebottom," confirmed the man. "Please. Have a toffee." [[Take the toffee]] [[Jump out of the helicopter]]

"I'm sorry, can we just go back a bit?" shouted Herman over the noise. "What did you say you did?" "I'll explain later," said the man. "Please. Have the toffee." [[Take the toffee]] [[Jump out of the helicopter]]

Herman had had enough. He flatly said, "Nope," turned towards the side of the chopper, where the door was still ajar, and jumped out. He faintly heard the woman scream, "No!", before the only sound he could hear was the loud whooshing of air rushing past his head. The helicopter had already gained a remarkable altitude, and Herman quickly saw that his chances of survival upon impact were close, if not equal, to zero. His legs were the first part of his body to make contact with the hard ground. They snapped off cleanly at the knees and, for a moment, dangled limply inside his pants before the rest of his body also hit the ground. His head, sadly, was the last part to impact, which meant he felt every bone in his body break before his skull cracked open and his brain shot out like a wad of spit from a blowgun. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman's mental capacity was just about stretched to breaking point, but he managed to climb out of the suspended prop helicopter. He took a look around the soundstage. Crewpeople were huddled around cameras, lights, and a nearby craft service table. They were all small-talking about nothing in particular, like they were on break. In the far corner was Pinklebottom, talking to Herman's rescue woman in hushed tones. They were clearly having a private conversation. Before he could think of anything to do or say, Herman was startled by Pinklebottom clapping his hands loudly and his commanding voice booming out to the crewpeople: "Alright, that's a wrap! We did great, people. Let's take five before we reset and wait for the next person to come in." Pinklebottom was walking in Herman's general direction, so Herman seized the opportunity to ask, "Um, mr. Pinklebottom... can you tell me what's--" Pinklebottom seemed mildly startled that Herman was still here. "Ah, yes, Herman, was it?" he said. "Herman, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for you today. Thank you so much for joining us. You did great. If you'd just like to retire to the green room, our production assistant will be out with the final paperwork straight away." "Final... paperwork?" Herman said. "Yes," said Pinklebottom. "Did you enjoy the toffee?" "I think I must have dropped it," said Herman. "That's fine," said Pinklebottom with a faint smile, "there's more in the green room. If you'll just excuse me." "But..." Herman started to say something, but Pinklebottom had already moved on and was now gesturing at the lights to some of the crewpeople. Herman looked around. There were two doors in the room. One was a non-descript grey door that was slightly ajar. It seemed to lead further into the building. The other one, on the far side of the room, was marked "Fire Exit, Do Not Obstruct." [[Go through the grey door]] [[Go through the fire exit]]

Herman's resources were spent. He needed rest. He laid down on the floor of the helicopter and nestled his head into the crook of his arm. A few moments passed until a man wearing a baseball cap and a mic headset rustled him and said, "You tired, mate?" "Yes," murmured Herman, "very." "Well, you can't have a sleep here," said the man. "Go and have a lie-down in the green room." [[Leave the helicopter]] [[Ignore the man]]

Herman stepped through the grey door and found himself in a small lounge area. Two leather sofas lined opposite walls and there were tv screens hung in each corner of the room. In the center was a small, circular, transparent table. On the table was a garish bowl full of individually wrapped toffee. Herman sat down in one of the sofas and took a very, very long, deep breath. [[Eat a toffee]] [[Wait|Wait4]]

Herman decided he'd had enough. If no one was going to give him a straight answer, he would just leave. He felt spent; mentally exhausted. At this point, he wasn't even interested in an explanation, he just wanted to go home. He crossed the soundstage and grabbed the metal rod attached to the fire exit door. As he pushed on it to open the door, a loud alarm sounded and the door opened into a bright city street. The alarm caused no immediate reaction, as far as he could tell, and he walked out into a small parking lot in a sunny, humid, completely unfamiliar city. It looked like an industrial neighborhood. Ahead of him, across the street, was a fenced off area where a large, yellow machine was pushing mounds of dirt around. There were few cars passing on the street, and those that did seemed to be in a big hurry. Also in short supply were any pedestrians. Herman cautiously walked out onto the sidewalk and looked up and down the street. He literally had no idea where he was. He crossed the street, hoping to find someone he could ask directions. When he reached the other side of the road, a car suddenly rounded the corner and drove in his direction at high speed. It screeched and stopped at the curb in front of him. The window rolled down. It was Pinklebottom, sitting in the driver's seat, dressed as a limo driver. He tutted and shook his head. "You should've had the toffee," he said. The back seat door opened and an enormous tarantula, easily twice the size of Herman, squeezed impossibly out of the car and raised itself up on its four hind legs. With its other four legs, it swooped out and grabbed Herman, pulling it towards its mouth in a single, fluid motion, and swallowed Herman whole. THE END. (set: $endingSpider to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman reached over to the small table and took a toffee from the bowl. He absent-mindedly unwrapped it while looking at the door, waiting for someone to walk in. With the wrapper off, he was only vaguely aware of the toffee moving in his hand as he rolled the tiny cellophane up in a ball and casually tossed it somewhere. The toffee sprouted eight legs and left the palm of his hand. Herman jumped in his seat, half-crawling up the wall behind him, as he watched the toffee spider continue its climb up his right arm at a steady, deliberate pace. [[Flick the spider off]] [[Blow and wave the spider off]] [[Do nothing]]

Herman sat, twiddling his thumb, looking back and forth between the bowl of toffee and the door. The screens were off and there were no other doors in the room other than the one he had entered through. Minutes passed. Then more minutes. At some point, Herman lost track of how much time had passed, and felt this was getting a bit ridiculous. [[Go out and ask someone for assistance]] [[Eat a toffee]]

With his left thumb and index finger, Herman took aim and tried to flick the spider off his arm. There was a tiny "clink" sound, like he'd just flicked a piece of metal, and the spider continued its climb unaffected. [[Scream in abject terror]] [[Do nothing]]

Herman was afraid to touch it, so he blew on it and waved his left hand at it, trying to startle it into jumping off him. It didn't. It continued marching up his upper arm. [[Flick the spider off]] [[Do nothing]]

Herman watched in silent terror as the spider crawled steadily up his arm, past his elbow, and finally out of sight as it reached his shoulder and continued onwards. He then felt its tiny, little legs poke at his ear as it crawled in and nestled into the tiny nook of his ear. Its legs continued to feel around his ear until they found his ear canal, at which point the spider resumed its movement and walked inside his head. There was a brief moment of pain as it passed his eardrum, but he could feel it continue unabated. And then, it stopped. A voice in his head said, simply, "Hello?" [["Hello?"]]

Herman screamed, "Help! Please! Someone!" as well as a variety of guttural non-words. The spider seemed very much unaffected by this, and no one came through the door to see what was happening. The spider reached Herman's shoulder and was still going, now out of his sight. [[Continue screaming]] [[Do nothing]]

The toffee spider reached his ear and, after feeling around for a bit for his ear canal, continued its journey inside his head. With no help and no hope for salvation, Herman threw himself off the sofa, thrashing and clawing at his ear, but to no avail. He could feel the spider continue further and further inside him, until he could feel it no more. Then, there was a loud voice inside his head that said, firmly, "Could you be quiet, please?" Herman stopped screaming and thrashing. "Ah," said the voice, "that's better." [["Hello?"]]

"Hello?" Herman stuttered. "Ah, good," said the voice inside his head. "You can hear me. Splendid." "Who... are you?" asked Herman. "I'm the spider that just crawled inside your head," said the voice. "I thought that was pretty obvious. Anyhow, your brain is kind of flimsy. There must be some reason this happened to you, like in the movies." "I don't know, I... what movies?" Herman looked down. He was lying on the floor, staring at his legs. He tried to sit up. "Oh! That's right, I haven't told you my name yet!" said the voice. "I'm... this is Herman Mueller, I mean." Herman paused for a moment. "But... I'm Herman," he said, matter-of-factly. "Not anymore," said the voice. [[Protest loudly|ToffeeKing]] [[Punch yourself in the head|ToffeeKing]] [[Run out the door, screaming|ToffeeKing]]

Herman inched over to the door and peeked outside. Everybody seemed to have left. The room beyond was eerily quiet. The equipment and the prop helicopter were still there, but there was no sign of any crewpeople or, indeed, anyone. "Hello?" Herman called out, his voice echoing in the empty room. There was no answer. [[Go back in the green room and eat a toffee|Eat a toffee]] [[Go through the fire exit]]

Herman waved the man off, but he insisted. "Look, we have to set up for the next lot," he said, now visibly irritated. He grabbed Herman's arm and yanked at him. "Come on, off you go." Herman was rather unceremoniously dragged from the helicopter onto his feet. He took a look around the soundstage. Crewpeople were huddled around cameras, lights, and a nearby craft service table. They were all small-talking about nothing in particular, like they were on break. "Green room's over there," said the man with the baseball cap and pointed towards a grey door that was slightly ajar. "Did you enjoy that toffee?" "What toffee?" said Herman. "Listen, it's no bother," said the man. "There's plenty more in the green room. Now, off you scoot." The man walked away briskly. Herman stood there for a moment, weighing his options. That was when he spotted, on the far side of the room, another door. This one had a big handle on the middle and a sign above it read, "Fire Exit. Do Not Obstruct." [[Go through the grey door]] [[Go through the fire exit]]

Before he could do anything, a throng of people suddenly burst through the door, cheering and shouting encouraging platitudes. Leading the crowd was his estranged wife, Michelle. "Oh, baby," she cooed, cupping his face in her hands, "you're now finally ready to take over the business." "What business?" said Herman weakly. "Daddy's toffee business," she said with a mock laugh. "You're our new spokesperson!" "I am?" Herman took her proffered hand and was helped to his feet. A microphone was put in front of his face and a person with a giant camera on his shoulder stepped in front of him, blocking his view. On top of the camera was a mounted light that shone brightly in his face. Michelle stood to the side of him, cradling his arm, beaming. "Go on, honey," she said, "say it." "Go on," said the spider in his head, "say it." [[Say it]] [[Shove the camera man]] [[Shove Michelle]] [[Punch yourself in the face]]

Herman cleared his throat and then said, in a deliberate, measured, and honest voice: "Mueller's Toffee is the Toffee King!" The crowd erupted into applause. He turned and looked at Michelle. She was beaming. She had never been more proud of him. He turned back and looked at the large group of giant spiders, all applauding with their large, hairy legs, looking at each other, nodding and patting each other on their large, hairy backs. "I knew you could do it," said the voice in his head. The spiders continued applauding. Herman felt a soft hand on his cheek. It turned him towards Michelle's face that gazed longingly into his eyes. "I always knew you could do it," she said softly and leaned in to kiss him. Herman smiled and bit her lips. He crunched down hard, yanked his head back, and watched the skin of half her jaw come away in a bloody spurt. Michelle screamed and staggered back, but didn't try to run. Herman jumped at her, toppling her over, and sank his teeth into her cheek, tearing away her flesh, swallowing quickly, then tearing away some more. After less than a minute, nothing remained of Michelle's head than a few scraps of bone fragments and a large pool of blood. Herman sat up and smiled. "Now say, 'I accept your terms,'" said the voice in his head. Herman looked down at his meal and couldn't stop smiling. "I accept your terms," he said. The spiders applauded thunderously. THE END. (set: $endingFaceEat to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Annoyed, Herman shoved the camera away. "Get that out of my face," he said. There was a loud gasp and, for a brief moment, Herman saw the throng of people cover their mouths in shock. Michelle let go of his arm, startled, and he turned to look at her. Her expression was that of pure terror. He looked back at the throng and saw nothing but giant, hairy legs belonging to a group of very large spiders that somehow, impossibly, fit into the room. They strained against the walls and were clicking and shuffling agitatedly. "Now you've done it," hissed Michelle. "Done what?!" Herman demanded. "Peace, I'm out," said the voice in Herman's head. He felt a sting in his ear and a pop. The spider at the front reached out and grabbed Herman around the waist, clenching him and lifting him off the ground. "They just wanted you to say it," said Michelle, almost sobbing. "They had such high hopes for you." "Michelle..." Herman sputtered. He felt his ribs crack. "Help..." Michelle just shook her head and closed her eyes. Herman was then tugged forward violently and swallowed whole. THE END. (set: $endingSpider to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman shook his head and grit his teeth. "No! No!" he shouted and angrily shoved Michelle away. The crowd gasped. Michelle looked horrified. "Herman! What are you doing?" she wailed. "You can't make me do this!" Herman shouted, his voice breaking. "I want answers! I need answers!" "Herman, no! They'll kill you!" she screamed. Herman's head had been turned to face Michelle. When he turned back to where the cameraman had been, all he saw were large, furry legs. Many, many furry legs. They belonged to many, many impossible large spiders. "I'm out," said the voice in his head. Herman felt a faint sting in his ear and a pop. Herman's waist was suddenly grabbed tightly and being pulled viciously towards the gaping maw of the giant spider in front of him. "I told you!" cried Michelle. "You never listen!" These were the last words he heard before he was swallowed whole. THE END. (set: $endingSpider to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman clenched his fist and shouted, "I've had enough!" before heaving it straight into his face. It caught his chin and the side of his nose. And it hurt. But mostly his hand. "Quit it!" yelled the voice inside his head. "What's gotten into you?" said Michelle through clenched teeth. Herman couldn't see much because of the bright light in his face, but he could hear the crowd grow restless and murmuring. "Just say it," whispered Michelle hoarsely. "Don't keep them waiting." Herman noticed the murmuring of human voices in front of him had turned into a strange cacophony of clicking and shuffling. [[Punch yourself again]] [[Say it]]

"No! You can't make me do this!" shouted Herman and viciously threw another punch at himself. This one made him lose his balance and he stumbled backwards. Michelle lost her grip on his arm and also teetered on her heels. The light in front of them dropped. In front of them were a forest of large, hairy legs belonging to a group of very large spiders. They towered above the two humans, straining against the walls of the room. They clicked and shuffled. "Now look what you've done!" hissed Michelle. "What did I do?!" asked Herman quite sincerely. "Peace, I'm out," said the voice in Herman's head. He felt a sting and a pop in his left ear. Herman looked at the crowd of angry spiders, then at Michelle. Michelle shrugged angrily. "I can't help you now," she said. "You've done this to yourself." Several hairy legs grabbed Herman by the waist and pulled him strongly towards a gaping maw where he was swallowed whole. THE END. (set: $endingSpider to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

With a small amount of trepidation, Herman clopped his way over the wreckage of his kitchen counter through the hole in his wall. He was surprised to smell the air in the brightly colored meadow. It smelled sweet and sugary, like a field of candy canes. The bee buzzed lazily in front of him, moving down the path at a pace that was easy to keep up with. Herman had plenty of time to admire the scenery around him. From behind one of the purple trees scurried a rabbit-looking creature. It was bright pink and made a squeaky noise like a small inflatable toy. "Nice place, isn't it?" said the bee. "Yes," replied Herman absent-mindedly. "It's not far," continued the bee. "We're almost at the place where you will have your answers." Herman was only half listening. He couldn't take his eyes off the pink bunny. [[Chase the rabbit]] [[Continue following the bee]]

Herman attempted to turn around and head back to his bedroom. He reasoned that he must be either hallucinating or dreaming. Perhaps he ate something last night that didn't agree with him. Maybe going back to sleep would cancel everything out and wake up some time later with everything back to normal. His attempt to turn around was met with limited success. His head smashed hard against the side of the wall and his tail got caught between a window frame and the massive curvature of his ass. The pain from both ends of his body made him yelp and flinch. Fliching made everything worse. Before he knew it, he was in an outright panic, stumbling and flailing his legs around. He heard another crash and felt another shower of dust and drywall cascade around him, much like the first one, but this one happened right in front of him. He had somehow punched a hole right through the wall in the hallway that led into his sitting room. He opened his eyes and found himself looking through a horse-shaped hole into his lovingly furnished sitting room. Ahead of him was his front door. [[Run through the front door]] [[Remain standing]]

Herman was still hungry. Although the bunny bore no resemblance to a carrot, it looked delicious. Herman broke away from the bee's trajectory and made a sharp turn into the grass. The bee stopped, buzzed angrily, and shouted, "No!" But it was too late. In no time, Herman had caught up with the rabbit and pinned it under one of his hoofs. Without thinking, and with startling viciousness, he bent down, clamped his teeth over the rabbit's head, and jerked his head - and, resultantly, *its* head - away. A steady stream of brightly pink-colored goo spewed from the bunny's exposed neck. Herman chewed down on the soft head and his teeth went straight through, like the bunny's skull was made of jelly. Goo oozed down his chin. The bee was shrieking, "No! What have you done?!" But Herman could barely hear it. He also barely sensed that the bright colors of the meadow had faded to a dark, purplish tone. The light that had shone from the sky had disappeared, and grey clouds had formed in its place. As Herman chewed and chewed, the trees around him withered and sunk into the ground. The grass turned ashen and blew away in the sudden gusts of wind that swept over the meadow. Herman finally swallowed and looked up. In front of him stood a man clad in a wizard's robe. "You've got some explaining to do," said the wizard sternly. [[Apologize to the wizard]] [[Eat the wizard]]

As he followed the bee down the path, more brightly colored wildlife danced alongside the trees on both sides of him. Deer, bears, sheep, and more bunnies. All in bright neon colors, all delicious-looking. They rounded a bend in the path that took them down a fenced area. The fence looked rickety and like it was made of painted cardboard. Behind the fence was a field of bright orange carrots. Herman was salivating at this point. He barely heard the bee talking about something-something holy field something. [[Jump over the fence and eat the carrots]] [[Continue following the bee|BeeFollow2]]

"I'm sorry," said Herman, bowing his head. Goo still dripped from his chin. "We are very, very disappointed in you," said the wizard sternly. "We were going to tell you everything. Now..." The wizard sighed deeply, then took a step back. "Now, you must go." Herman looked up. The wizard was pointing back towards the path, but in the opposite direction they had been going. He was pointing back to Herman's house. Herman looked at the hole hanging impossibly in the middle of the air, through which he could see the remains of his kitchen and his small, cramped hallway. Herman looked back at the wizard. The wizard kept pointing at the hole. Herman sighed, bowed his head again, and started walking back towards the hole. [[Jump back through the hole]] [[Try one last apology]]

The wizard looked nothing like a carrot, either, except for the top of his pointy wizard hat. Which was good enough for Herman. He leapt up on his hind legs and violently kicked the wizard square in the ribs. The wizard staggered back, the wind knocked out of him, and he collapsed onto his back. In less than a second, Herman was on top of him, one hoof pinning the wizard's arm down to the accompanying sound of bones cracking. Herman's head dove once again and he ferociously clamped his teeth around the wizard's head. The wizard screamed, but not a painful scream. And suddenly, Herman's mouth was stung. Not once, but a lot. There was a loud buzzing coming from inside of him and every part of his mouth, from the roof to his tongue and further down his esophagus, felt like thousands of red hot pins had pricked them. Bees. His mouth was full of bees. And they were stinging him, all the way down to his lungs and his stomach now. Herman threw himself backwards, landing on his side, his legs kicking everywhere. His mouth was open and trying to scream, but couldn't. His mouth was swelling up from the many stings and he could feel more blisters forming on the way down. He couldn't breathe. He could feel the swarm inside his stomach make their way even further down. He felt the unwelcome sensation of his bowels filling up. All the while, stinging, so much stinging. Quickly, the pressure in his colon grew to unbearable proportions. His rectum shot forth a cloud of angry, buzzing bees along with a spray of his own feces. The swarm hovered for a brief moment before flying over his twitching body to his head, then diving down and flying back in through his still open mouth to repeat the process over again. Herman remained alive and in great pain for at least three of these rounds before he finally suffocated from the painful blisters blocking his airways somewhere in the middle of round four. THE END. (set: $endingBees to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Sullenly, Herman clopped back through the hole. Impossibly, the hole in his wall closed behind him. Bricks and mortar reformed behind him in a smooth motion until the wall was again solid. Herman sighed. He felt like he had been just on the cusp of a solid answer. He clopped over the few feet of kitchen floor across the broken glass and splintered wood of his cupboard into his hallway, where a voice startled him: "We were wondering if we'd got the wrong house," said a female voice. Herman looked up to see a pointy stick being jabbed somewhere in his chest area. A numbness spread quickly through his body and he lost consciousness to the sight of a woman in a lab coat smiling at him. [[Wait|Rest]]

Herman turned around and looked at the wizard and the bee. "I really am sorry," he said. They did not reply. They just kept pointing. The world around them was grey and dead, and they just kept pointing. Herman sighed. [[Jump back through the hole]] [[Go back and eat the wizard]]

Herman suddenly broke into a fierce gallop and caught up with the still-pointing wizard in a brief second. He knocked the wizard over on his back. Herman's head dove once again and he ferociously clamped his teeth around the wizard's head. The wizard screamed, but not a painful scream. And suddenly, Herman's mouth was stung. Not once, but a lot. There was a loud buzzing coming from inside of him and every part of his mouth, from the roof to his tongue and further down his esophagus, felt like thousands of red hot pins had pricked them. Bees. His mouth was full of bees. And they were stinging him, all the way down to his lungs and his stomach now. Herman threw himself backwards, landing on his side, his legs kicking everywhere. His mouth was open and trying to scream, but couldn't. His mouth was swelling up from the many stings and he could feel more blisters forming on the way down. He couldn't breathe. He could feel the swarm inside his stomach make their way even further down. He felt the unwelcome sensation of his bowels filling up. All the while, stinging, so much stinging. Quickly, the pressure in his colon grew to unbearable proportions. His rectum shot forth a cloud of angry, buzzing bees along with a spray of his own feces. The swarm hovered for a brief moment before flying over his twitching body to his head, then diving down and flying back in through his still open mouth to repeat the process over again. Herman remained alive and in great pain for at least three of these rounds before he finally suffocated from the painful blisters blocking his airways somewhere in the middle of round four. THE END. (set: $endingBees to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman made a sharp course correction and leaped over the fence. He didn't clear the fence entirely, but, as he surmised, the fence was more for show than anything. The brittle wood instantly disintegrated upon contact with the front of his leg. Herman wasted no time in diving his face into the field of delicious orange carrots. He pulled out two and gobbled them up, chewing only one or twice before swallowing, then diving his head back down. All this time, the bee was screaming at him to stop. But he didn't stop. He ate more carrots. He didn't even see that the bright colors of the meadow had faded to a dark, purplish tone. The light that had shone from the sky had disappeared, and grey clouds had formed in its place. As Herman gluttonously devoured the carrot field, the trees around him withered and sunk into the ground. The grass turned ashen and blew away in the sudden gusts of wind that swept over the meadow. Herman finally swallowed and looked up. In front of him stood a man clad in a wizard's robe. "You've got some explaining to do," said the wizard sternly. [[Apologize to the wizard]] [[Eat the wizard]]

After a few more minutes of walking, Herman saw the path come to an end in front of a small but impressively structured cottage. The cottage looked like someone had taken several cute little wooden cottages and glued them somewhat haphazardly on top of each other, then topped the final one off with an impossibly large mushroom hat made of straw. The door to the hut opened and a man wearing a wizard's robe emerged. "Come in," said the wizard warmly. "I've made you a carrot soup." The smell wafting from the cottage was irresistible. Herman increased his walk to a barely measured trot. The bee flew aside to let him past. The door wasn't quite wide enough to let all of Herman's body through, but his head and neck could just about fit through the opening. It was just as well because, as it turned out, the inside of the hut was far too small to realistically fit a fully grown horse. The wizard went into the back of the room, which was only a few feet away, and bent over a small cauldron suspended inside a stone fireplace. He returned moments later carrying a large ladle with a steaming liquid in it. The liquid smelled delicious and carroty. "Have some soup," said the wizard. [[Have some soup]] [[Have the wizard]] [[Refuse the soup]]

Herman closed his eyes and lowered his head gently. His lips made contact with the hot ladle. He gingerly slurped some of the soup into his mouth. It was heaven. He opened his eyes. The wizard cocked his head and looked deep into Herman's eyes, smiling. Herman felt a warmth spread down his esophagus to his belly. He sighed contentedly and, at the proffering of the wizard, slurped some more soup into his mouth. The ladle was empty. "Now, as promised," said the wizard, "you shall have the truth." Herman was warm and happy. "But first..." The wizard's smile faded just a tad. "I have to ask you... and please don't lie to me... but did you try to call your doctor?" [[Yes]] [[No]]

*Look, just to be clear: Do you mean EAT the wizard, or... um... HAVE him in some other way?* [[Eat the wizard|Eat2]] [[Fuck the wizard]]

Herman snapped his teeth at the wizard - for, as it turned out, it was the wizard that smelled the most delicious. The wizard, sadly, was out of Herman's reach, and Herman couldn't squeeze any further through the door. The wizard's smile faded, replaced with a stern face that betrayed a deep sorrow. "You disappoint me, Herman," he said. "So close to the answers you seek." Lurching forward in a sudden, startling motion, the wizard grabbed Herman's mane with surprising strength, keeping his head from retracting through the door. With his other hand, he deftly turned the ladle of soup around and plunged the blunt end into and through Herman's right eye. Herman squealed and wailed as the blood spurted from his eye, but the wizard held his head tight. Then, turning the ladle around again, the wizard poured the hot soup into Herman's eye socket. Herman collapsed, wailing and moaning in pain. The wizard held onto his mane and jerked him forward, causing Herman to get stuck in the doorway, unable to move. The wizard then calmly walked back to the cauldron to replenish the ladle, then returned to pour more soup into Herman's scorching eye. This continued for quite some time before Herman passed out and eventually died. THE END. (set: $endingBees to true) (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

*Were... you not paying attention? Your body couldn't fit through the door. You can't fuck the wizard. Geez. You're weird, you know? Okay, back to the story. Just eat the damn soup.* [[Have some soup]] [[Refuse the soup]]

Herman was tempted by the warm, orange soup being held under his nose. But he closed his eyes and gently shook his head no. When he opened them, the wizard's smile had gone. In its place was a stern frown. "Come on," said the wizard. "No, really, it's fine," said Herman, a bit nervously. The bee flew through an open window to the side of the door. "Eat the damn soup," said the bee. "Yeah, eat the damn soup," repeated the wizard. "Go on, have a slurp," said the soup. Herman blinked and looked down at the ladle. The voice hadn't come from there. He looked over the shoulder of the wizard and, to his horror, saw a face had emerged from the cauldron. The skin of the face dripped off into the soup revealing just a grinning skull. Herman screamed and recoiled, hitting his head hard on the door frame and instantly collapsed. Groggily, he clung onto his consciousness for just a moment or two. "Soup's on," said the wizard. "Soup's on," said the bee. "Soup's on," said the soup. Then he lost consciousness. And never woke up. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

(if: $smashedphone is true)["Yes," said Herman. "It met with... limited success." "You smashed your phone, didn't you?" said the wizard. His smile returned. "That's right," said Herman. "How did you know?" "Allow me to introduce myself," said the wizard. He bent down and took the edge of the robe, then lifted it over his head in a smooth move. His hat popped off as he cast the robe over his shoulders, letting it fall on the floor behind him. The wizard was completely naked. "I am you," he said.](else:)["Yes," said Herman. "When did you do this?" insisted the wizard. "Um..." Herman was becoming a bit nervous. "Some time ago. I think..." "Do you even," the wizard said sternly, leaning forward, "know what a doctor is?" "I'm... not sure," Herman stuttered. The wizard leaned in even closer. His face was now inches away from Herman's nose. His eyes were so close, Herman couldn't focus on them. "You're lying to me," whispered the wizard.] [[Accept this]] [[Run away|WizardRun]]

(if: $smashedphone is true)["No," said Herman. "Are you sure?" The wizard cocked his head slightly and squinted his eyes. "Quite sure," Herman said, a little nervously. The wizard took a step forward and leaned in so that his face was mere inches away from Herman's. "I can tell," he whispered, "when you're lying to me." Herman's eyes darted from side to side. "Lying?" The wizard leaned in an extra inch. His nose now touched Herman's. In a barely audible hiss, the wizard said, "Lying."] (else:)["No," said Herman. "I'm glad," said the wizard, "that you've decided not to lie to me." Herman blinked a few times, not sure of where this was going. "But unfortunately," the wizard continued, "this means I cannot help you."] The warmth in Herman's belly began to bubble uncomfortably. He started sweating. Can horses even sweat? He didn't know, and didn't care, because he felt so hot. His belly was on fire. (if: $smashedphone is true)[The wizard leaned back, smiling again, but not the warm, friendly smile from before. This smile was sinister. ]Herman began whining, then screaming, from the pain in his stomach. Within seconds, the pain reached a powerful crescendo and Herman's abdomen exploded in a violent, wet splash. Somehow impossibly still conscious, Herman looked wild-eyed at the wizard who was (if: $smashedphone is true)[laughing uproariously](else:)[looking forlornly at him]. Herman looked down at the blood and curled entrails that now lay on the doorstep of the hut, smoking and billowing. He looked back up, then fell to the floor, dead. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

(if: $smashedphone is true)[The wizard looked nothing like Herman remembered himself. But, he thought as he paused for a moment, what *had* he actually looked like? Maybe this was it? "Yes, you are," said Herman. "And now, I shall give you the answers you seek," said the naked wizard. "You may not have all the questions yet, but whenever you find a new ending to your story, feel free to restart and come back here." Herman didn't know exactly what that meant, but he nodded and smiled nonetheless. The wizard sat down in a comfortable-looking chair next to the fireplace, crossed his legs, and produced a pipe from beside the chair. He lit the pipe by snapping his fingers above it. A small flame burst from the pipe, the wizard inhaled deeply, and the tip of his penis exhaled the smoke. (if: $endingHorseRescue is true)["There's a bit where you're rescued by a woman in a giant hall while you're still a horse," he said. "It's never explained who that woman is. She is the voice of your inner child, and she's rescuing you because you've allowed yourself to be a prisoner of your fear and panic for so long that you needed to invent this surreal transformation of yours into a horse in order to break free from a gradually worsening depression."](else:)["You should go have a look under your kitchen table," he said. "I'm sure you'll find that path most rewarding. It has a very action-movie-like ending."] The wizard took another drag off his pipe; his nether region produced another gentle plume of smoke. (if: $endingFaceEat is true)["There's another bit," continued the wizard, "where you're in a television studio surrounded by giant spiders and your estranged wife. At the behest of a small spider controlling your mind, you turn on your wife and eat her face off. This represents your sexual repression that you are unable to overcome. Deep down, you are intensely frightened of your sexuality and, more to the point, the sexuality of others. Consequently, your lovemaking is and always has been stale and unimaginative, which your wife endured. Her sacrifice at the end was her final way of reminding you that, as long as you carry this irrational fear of your own desires, you will inevitably end up destroying that which you love. "Oh, and the spider in your ear," the wizard added, smiling wryly, "represents your erection." Herman was starting to become a little non-plussed at this, but kept listening.](else:)["Sadly, it seems you have yet to visit the television studio," continued the wizard. "I was really looking forward to explaining that one to you. Maybe you should have checked your fridge. Oh, well. Some other time, perhaps."] (if: $endingHorseSex is true)["You had a fantastic time getting down and dirty with those mares, right?" said the wizard, winking. "Oh, I..." Herman stuttered. "Don't lie to me," the wizard said, wagging a finger playfully. "You picked that path yourself. Naughty, naughty." "Yes, but what does it mean?" "Well, it could mean any number of things," said the wizard, drawing a deep breath, "but my foremost guess would be that you want to have sex with horses."](else:)["Oh, and there's this crazy bit where you get to pick which three horses you want to have sex with," said the wizard. "What?" exclaimed Herman. "Yes, it's really something," the wizard nodded, wide-eyed. "Too bad you've missed it. It's amazing what a good panic attack can lead to."] (if: $endingFlea is true)["Finally," said the wizard, "there was the business with the cat and the flea and the laying of eggs." He rose from his chair with a grunt. His pipe never left his mouth and the tip of his glans let out a small cough or two of smoke. "What can I tell you, mate," the wizard said with a sigh as he crossed the room towards Herman, "you might have some gender identity issues in there as well."](else:)["Finally," said the wizard, "you've missed a grand old time being a flea and attempting to fight the urge to lay eggs in a cat's fur." "Really?" said Herman. "Quite," said the wizard and rose from his chair with a grunt. His pipe never left his mouth and the tip of his glans let out a small cough or two of smoke. He crossed the room towards Herman.] "Now, do you have any questions?" asked the naked wizard. (if: $endingFlies is true)["Yeah, what was with the swarm of flies?" Herman asked. "When I was being interrogated?" "Those," said the wizard, "were a way to represent your flimsy grasp on your realities. You see everyone as a hollow shell filled only with the desire to destroy you. Anything else?" ](if: $endingSpider is true)["What was with the giant spiders?" "Ah, yes, particularly effective, weren't they?" The wizard grinned. "Those represent your fears of being enveloped by your emotions. Anything else?" ](if: $endingBear is true)["Why did the bear maul *and* sexually assault me?" Herman inquired. "I think that one goes without saying," said the wizard. "You have some issues there. Bedroom-wise. I think you'll find those easier to deal with if you're a little more open-minded in the future. Anything else?" ]Herman swallowed hard. "Is... is any of this true?" "No, it's all bollocks," said the wizard and smiled grandly. "Just run-of-the-mill pseudo-intellectual analysis. Things only have meaning if you give them one. I'm going to dickslap you now." Herman nodded and closed his eyes. The wizard proceeded to slap his limp penis across Herman's face repeatedly, over and over again, in everlasting perpetuity. Have fun interpreting that one.](else:)["Yes, I am," said Herman. "And now you're honest," said the wizard. "See, I can't deal with that sort of wishy-washiness." Herman was very confused. His confusion did not abate when the wizard, in a swift and decisive movement, grabbed Herman's mane with surprising strength and held him in a tight grip. Herman was unable to move as the wizard swung the elbow of his other arm towards his face. And again. And again. The wizard continued to mercilessly beat Herman's face to a pulp. All the while, Herman thought, "I deserve this," as the skin of his face bulged and eventually tore away. The wizard did not stop, even as the bones in Herman's skull began to pulverize.] THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman ducked under the door in a swift movement. He turned to run. The meadow behind him had changed. Now it was a barren landscape composed of scraggly, grey rock. Some of it was, inexplicably, on fire. Herman screamed and leapt into a fierce gallop. All the while, the temperature around him grew warmer and warmer. It became impossibly hot, but he kept running. "If only I can reach the portal," he thought, "I can go back to my house. I can figure out a way to turn back. I can do it." He could not. The temperature continued to rise, making him tired and hot. He tried to keep running, but it was so unbearably hot now, he quickly found his fast stride reduced to a limping trot. And then... he collapsed, exhausted. And still it grew even hotter and hotter around him. His flesh began to boil and sear. His eyes stung. And still, hotter and hotter. When he finally caught fire, his only comforting thought was that death would not be far off. But minutes passed and death still wouldn't take him. Only when the layers of his fat had melted away and his skin had turned to thin, crisp, paper-like strands of charcoal did he realize that death would never come. He would remain like this - burnt alive, immobile, and in constant, searing agony - for the rest of eternity. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman tried to stand up but the strange sensation of having hooves instead of hands and feet, combined with being in the middle of the mental vortex that is a panic attack, proved much too powerful for him. His legs quivered, all four of them, his knees were like jelly, his hyperventilated blood left him woozy and weakened and, much like a certain cute cartoon deer of fame trying to stand on ice for the first time, he was unable to find his balance and promptly fell down on the floor. But unlike in the cartoon there was no cute rabbit to help him and guide him to his feet. He was all alone. After a few attempts, Herman had to concede defeat and resigned himself, for the time being, to lying on the floor. As he laid there, his vision blurred further until the whole world went dark. He realised he would have to get help, or grab the reins and prepare for the panic to spiral. [[Let the panic spiral]] [[Cry out for help]]

Disoriented and in full alert, Herman mustered all the energy he could to cry out to his neighbours for help. But instead of screaming, "Someone help me," he was whinnying. Hearing himself whinny instead of speaking made Herman panic even more than he already was and he thrashed about his bedroom feverishly. [[Let the panic spiral]] [[Try harder to cry for help]] [[Leave apartment]]

White [[Keep going | KEEP1]]

then [[Spiral out|SPIRAL1]]

grey were [[KEEP GOING | KEEP2]]

all he saw, [[SPIRAL OUT | SPIRAL2]]

until they turned black [[KEEP GOING | KEEP3]]

deep in his subconsciousness. [[SPIRAL OUT | SPIRAL3 ]]

As he drifted further into his mental darkness, [[KEEP GOING | KEEP4]]

Herman felt an emotional paradox growing within the center of his Self. [[SPIRAL OUT | SPIRAL4]] [[Cry out for help]]

Though it seemed counterintuitive, Herman found a sudden peace in his equestrian fate, but the peace came through the source of his terror. [[Keep Going | KEEP5]] [[Cry out for help]]

It was as though there was a direct cause and effect between the amount of existential and psychological terror Herman let himself experience and the amount of inner peace that brought to his troubled mind. [[Spiral out | SPIRAL5]] [[Cry out for help]]

The peace and terror swirled around like a spinning ball, dancing a well-choreographed dance, giving energy to each other, seemingly without losing any, making the ball grow ever in equal measure and, as they spun, the paradoxical ball was soon visited upon by three new emotions: a curiosity, a hope, and a niggling doubt. [[Keep Going | KEEP6]] [[Cry out for help]]

The curiosity trotted around the paradox and nibbled on it with bright colors of green, yellow and pink followed by a shimmer from the hope; silver and platinum glitter, like light refracting in an invisible source of water, adding uncounted patterns to the curiosity’s colourful blaze which, in turn, was interrupted by the ambling gait of the niggling doubt’s systemic flicker of red and blue; highlighting discrepancies in the colors of the hope and curiosity, turning them ultramarine and crimson with each monotone flicker. [[Ride the spiral to the end with focus on curiosity and hope]] [[Ride the spiral to the end with focus on the niggling doubt]]

Herman ignored the doubt and focused on hope and curiosity, letting them play. As they played, they fed each other like the terror and peace of the paradoxical ball still swirling beneath them. This made them grow steadily brighter, releasing them from the oppressive red and blue amble of the niggling doubt, forcing it to speed up into a canter. As it did so, the doubt lost more and more power over its emotional siblings but simultaneously gained increasing independence from them, and as the shimmer of hope and brightly colourful nibble of curiosity grew evermore daring, they soon turned from shimmer and nibble into an audacious glare and a gluttonous bite - and the niggling doubt went into full gallop. Unreinable, the doubt moved so fast it went by the audacious hope and the gluttonous curiosity, quickly reaching the paradoxical ball, shifting the balance towards terror. [[Exit the spiral in a state of absolute terror]]

Herman focused on his niggling doubt as it steadily ambled its way into his hope and curiosity. Its colors were so saturated and rich that he found it impossible to divine its purpose and its source remained opaque. For a short moment, Herman felt a vantablack fear speeding the edges of the doubt but, through his focus, Herman kept the doubt from speeding up and soon he had an idea: Using the brightness of his curiosity, he asked what it was doubting with an open mind, and when it gave its answer, he applied the shimmer of his hope to disrupt its monotony, keeping it from repeating itself. To his great relief it worked; his doubt told him he was worried that the peace in the center of the ball was nothing but a mare's nest and that the terror would win. Unable to repeat itself, the doubt became a healthy skepsis and the balance in the paradoxical ball shifted towards peace. [[Exit the spiral in a state of absolute peace and love]]

Herman's consciousness was yanked back into the terrifying reality it had fled from, this time in a state of supernatural terror. His heart ached with every beat and the pain increased until it felt like it was literally tearing at the seams. The muscles around his mouth contorted, spasmed and contracted until they locked themselves in a perpetual cramp and Herman let out a final pained whinny. Later, when the police burst the door down after being called by the neighbours complaining about the smell, what they found made the youngest officer throw up on the spot. Herman's body was so contorted from the cramps and spasms that he had torn every muscle fiber and his skin was colored in a sickly palette of purples, blues and yellows with black dots of clotted blood. The only thing breaking the visual cacophony of lesions was a huge, white, permanent grin. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman's mind slowly flowed back into his body and he could feel his muscles relaxing. The panic subsided and the separation of mind and body steadily diminished. As he awoke, he accepted his new body, piece by piece. "Hello hoof," he thought to himself, "hello other hoof, and hello to the hoofs in the back as well. Hello mane, hello muzzle and hello tail." As Herman embraced himself, he playfully started talking to his pieces with increasing poetic glee. "Hello crest, you’re the best, what’s that groove? Yes, I love you, too! Hello chestnut, you wonderful thing; I love all the support you bring. "What’s that Heel? How do I feel? "I feel strong like a feline monarch, thanks for asking, thanks to Cannon, Forearm, Gaskin. "I love my body from throat latch to fetlock, "all pieces of me shall join me in selv-loving wedlock!” Herman continued his rhyme until all pieces of his body had been loved and soon found himself thinking: "What now?" [[Leave apartment]] [[Have a nap]] [[Neigh joyfully]]

(if: $smashedphone is true)[Herman reared on his hindlegs and dashed towards the main door of his apartment. As he galloped towards the door, he came past the smashed phone lying on the floor. He could swear he heard something from the phone’s broken speaker. [[Investigate the broken phone]] [[Ignore and leave apartment]]](else:)[Herman kicked open the door to his apartment and ran out into the streets where he was promptly shot dead by a police officer on patrol. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]]

Transitioning from human to horse had been an exhausting experience and Herman felt the time was ripe for a good long nap. He, rather awkwardly, laid down and tried to find out where he should put his head. [[Rest head on the floor]] [[Rest head on butt]]

"PRREEEHEEHEEHEHE," said Herman. [[Leave apartment]] [[Have a nap]] [[Neigh joyfully and shake mane]]

"PREEHEHEEHEEHEEE!" Herman neighed while shaking his mane from side to side. Had there been any witnesses, they would surely have filmed him and posted it on the internet with the hashtag #Wholesome. [[Leave apartment]] [[Have a nap]]

Herman tried to rest his head on the floor by stretching his neck downward. "This is nice," he lied to himself, "even though my neck muscles are stretched, I can really feel the floor supporting my head so I can sleep easily." Even though Herman’s stretched neck did hurt a little, he had no trouble falling asleep and quickly drifted off to Neighverland. (set: $restonhead to true) [[Fall asleep]]

Herman rested his head on his butt and quickly dozed off to Neighverland. (set: $restonbutt to true) [[Fall asleep]]

Unlike his panic induced gallop through his subconscious he had just been through, Herman dreamed of much more palpable things than emotions and their colors. He trotted happily through meadows of grass made out of the finest celery. Here, he met a group of stallions that challenged him to a race, just for the fun of it, to see who was the fastest stallion in Neighverland. "Silly fools," Herman thought to himself, "this is MY dream. They don’t stand a chance." And with an indulgent smile, he agreed to the race. And truly so, unrestricted by the laws of physics, Herman ran faster than any of the other stallions - in fact he ran faster than the speed of sound! "Preeheeheeheehee!" Herman neighed gleefully. The other stallions just snorted in a scoffing manner but accepted their defeat and trotted off. Herman didn't have much time to gloat, though, because the second the stallions were out of earshot, a neigh behind him caught him by surprise. What surprised him most was that this was not the neigh of a stallion. This was not a brute snorting, no, this was a sweet neigh. A beautiful neigh. A neigh that conveyed a fragile yet strong sensibility. A neigh that could kill you with kindness. In short, this was what Norah Jones, the jazz musician, would sound like, if she was a horse. [[Wake up|WakeUp2]] [[Keep sleeping]]

Herman turned around and, much to his great pleasure, what stood in front of him was what Norah Jones would look like if she was a horse: A beautiful horse with a long curly mane, a sweet grin, and dismarming eyelashes. "Hi," said Herman with a big dumb smile, transfixed by the beautiful countenance of the mare in front of him. "Hi," she replied with a smile. Herman didn't know that else to say so he just stood there for a few seconds before defaulting to saying, "Hi," again, this time with an even bigger and exponentially dumber smile. The mare let out a giggling whinny and said, "You sure showed those other stallions who was the fastest, didn't you?" “Erhm, yeah... yeah, I did,” Herman said, now waking up from his hypnosis and remembering that this was his dream which gave him a stronger sense of confidence. "Do you like fast horses?" he said flirtatiously. "Preeheehee!" The mare neighed in embarrassment and continued, "I do! I find them so inspiring!" Herman liked where this was going. [[Keep dreaming]] [[Wake up|WakeUp2]]

(if: $restonhead is true)[Herman woke up from his much needed slumber and tried to stand up, but felt a deep stingy pain in his neck. "Oh no," he thought to himself. "I should not have slept with my head on the floor." Herman neighed in despair and struggled harder to get up but to no avail. The exhaustion from the pain caused Herman to fall in and out of consciousness. As he fainted for the nth time, he heard his door get kicked in. "Hooray! I'm saved!" he thought to himself and gave in to the exhaustion one more time with great relief. When Herman opened his eyes again, he found himself in the back of a truck. The truck was filled with other horses, some old, some deformed, all of them seemingly without a single spark of joy in them. The floor was littered with dung and they were packed so tight it gave Herman claustrophobia. He desperately gasped for a breath of clean air, but none was to be had. As he struggled, Herman spotted a small crack in the wooden side of the truck. He peeked out of the crack and saw a sign that read: ERIC EQUUS’ GLUE FACTORY - 10 KM](if: $restonbutt is true)[Herman woke up from his much needed slumber and stood up with ease. Feeling fresh and well-rested, he quickly dashed through the door to his apartment and ran into the streets, neighing gleefully at the terrified people running away from him in all directions and desperately scrambling for their phones to call the authorities. Herman hardly noticed the sirens of the animal police rushing towards him and, before he knew it, a tranquilizer dart knocked him out cold. When Herman opened his eyes, he found himself lying on a bed of hay in a well kept stable. As he stood up and looked around the room, he saw other horses who all greeted him heartily. An old farmer with a silvery, rugged, bushy beard that used to be pitch black stepped into stable and fed Herman the most delicious carrots he had ever tasted. He also gave his mane a combing. "Well, glad to see you're awake, Dashing Rocket!" said the farmer. "My name is not Dashing Rocket; it's Herman," Herman tried to say. But instead he snorted so brusquely that it blew the old farmer's straw hat half off his head. The farmer laughed heartily. "Haha! Okay, okay, you don't like the name. We'll find another, then!” he said and smiled a comforting smile. "I tell you one thing," the farmer continued, "I would just love to hear how you ended up in the big city. Maybe one day I will. But for now, let's get you some exercise." And with that, he opened Hermans booth and took him out for a nice trot and Herman found happiness for the rest of his days.] THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

"So, is your name as beautiful as your muzzle?" Herman asked and punctuated the sentence with a brisk whisk of his mane - the horse equivalent of a cockily raised eyebrow. "Preeehehehe... well, I don’t know about that,” said the mare coyly, “but it's Toque Blanche." "Wow!" said Herman, impressed. "That is truly a beautiful name! My name is Herman!" "Hi, Herman," said Toque Blanche. "What do you say we go for a little trot? I have some other friends I want you to meet." [[Keep dreaming | keepdreaming2]] [[Wake up|WakeUp2]]

Herman and Toque Blanche trotted side by side towards the nearest forest opening where they went down a dark pathway illuminated by floating bioluminescent carrots. "Just a little further," said Toque Blance, leading Herman down the path. As he walked behind her, Herman felt a strange tingle in his barrel. "Ah here we are," she exclaimed. "Come along, Herman, and say hi to my friends!" Herman and Toque Blanche stepped from the pathway into a clearing in the forest. In the clearing there stood three mares, one black, one brown, and one white. [[Keep dreamin |keepdreming3]] [[Wake up|WakeUp2]]

Herman trotted into the middle of the clearing and reared on his hindlegs in a majestic display of masculinity! The four mares circled Herman and snorted lustfully as he kickboxed the air with his front hooves with impressive strength and stamina. "Go on ladies," said Toque Blanche, "introduce yourself to Herman." The black mare took a step forward and said, "My name is Yartajif Allahm - the Arabian Night Mare!" The brown mare took a step forward and said, “Hajime mashite, Shokushu-san to mou shimasu. Yoroshiku onegai shimasu." Finally, the white mare stepped forward and said, "'ello, guv'ner, moy naim is 'elena The Brit!" [[Dream on With Yartajif Allahm, The Arabian Night Mare]] [[Dream on with ‘elena the Brit]] [[Dream on with Shokushu-san|Dream on with Shokushu San]] [[Realize that continuing down the rabbit hole of a horse's sexual and culturally insensitive REM sleep fantasies has no impact on the plot whatsoever and you are supposed to wake up to progress the story|WakeUp2]]

*(sigh) Alright... you asked for it.* Herman and Yartajif cantered off together and the forest disappeared beneath their hooves. A sense of cumin and myrrh filled his nostrils and soon they were floating high above the ground with a flying carpet swirling below them. Yartajif nibbled Herman on the ear and he whinnied with pleasure. The air was cool and fresh which stood in stark contrast to the heat from their excited horse bodies. Yartajif floated underneath Herman and faced him. As he looked at her he realised that she was truly the Night Mare; her fur was blacker than it was before and a trillion stars sparkled deep within each strain of hair. Herman embraced her as much as a horse can embrace anybody and they melted into each other. As Herman penetrated Yartajif, it was like he had sex with every galaxy in the universe at the same time, and as he climaxed, the air filled with Arabian flutes playing a byzantine scale version of Smoke On The Water. And then he woke up.(set: $endingHorseSex to true) [[Wake up|WakeUp2]]

*(sigh) Alright.. you asked for it.* Herman and 'elena The Brit trotted out of the clearing together and, just as they got out on the other side, they were no longer in a forest. Instead, they stood in the middle of an industrial working class town. A nearby smokestack oozed smoke so dense it trickled down in thick black strings making Herman cough. "Har har," 'elena laughed and heartily gave Herman a smack on the back with one of her hooves. "'oly shit, 'erman, don't let a little smoke rattle ya! When I'm done with ya, you'll be coffin' for a completely differen' reason, know what a mean?" Herman composed himself, but before he could answer, 'elena interupted him. "So, 'erman, what say you we go over 'ere past this factory and 'ave a good ol' shag, aye?" Herman snorted in agreement and soon enough the two equestrian lovers were going at it with full force. 'elena the Brit was not a mare that minced words, but she did make mincemeat of Herman's lower parts. As he climaxed, he looked to sky and saw every smokestack and chimney in the city was spurting out a locust swarm of Morris dancers that blotted out what little sunlight there was. And then Herman woke up. (set: $endingHorseSex to true) [[Wake up|WakeUp2]]

*(sigh) Alright... you asked for it.* Herman and Sokushu-san galloped off together and, before long, the forest started to change around them. The leaves turned from green to pink and fluorescent jellyfish floated around them indifferently. Suddenly, but in a fluid motion, the ground shifted from dirt into a strange gelatinous mass. Though Herman seemed to have no trouble walking on this new surface, he noticed that Shokushu San had fallen behind. When he turned around he was shocked to see Shokushu San's hooves seemed to have gotten stuck in the jelly. "Pruuwuwuwu, Herman-san!" Sokushu-san neighed pitifully. "I am stuck in the jelly ground!" "Don’t panic, Shokushu-san”!" said Herman. "That will only make it worse!" "You are so wise in the ways of the world, Herman-san," Shokusu-san said and started to whimper. "I am a failure as a horse. Nothing like you, Herman-san." "Oh, don't say that," Herman replied and got behind Sokushu, trying to help push her free of her predicament. "But it's true! Look at you! I'm stuck, but you can just step on the jelly ground with no difficulty. Like some sort of a master step-horse!" "Erhm... I don't think you understand quite what step horse mea-" Herman started to say but was interrupted because Shokushu-san's front legs suddenly dipped further into the gelatinous ground, leaving her stuck with her hiney strutting up in the air. "Haji!" Shokushu hollered. "Oh no, Herman! You must use your step-horse power and walk away from my behind quickly!" "Wh-what?" said Herman, trying very hard to break free of the hypnotic effect Shokushu's quivering and strutting behind was having on him. "Go, step-horse, go! I cannot hold back my inner Slime Kaiju Nature when I'm stuck in this position!" "Inner... slime," Herman said, transfixed. "Oh no - step-horse Herman! It's happening!" As Herman watched, Shokuksu's fur started to melt into a thick green slime and her entire front half of her body was suddenly sucked into the gelatinous ground. Before he could react, Shekushu's tail wagged in all directions with impossible speed. It split and transformed into four tentacles with a round, toothy maw at its center. Herman starred in equal parts awe and terror as Shokushu's body seemed to grow out of the ground like a magic beanstalk. Two arms sprouted from her hips so her behind now served as a head with her hind legs standing out like horns on a demon. A deep guttural voice bellowed from the toothy maw, “STEP-HORSE HERMAN-SAN!! I AM ULTIMATE SHOKUSHU SLIME - PREPARE FOR KAIJU LOVE!” Shokushu grabbed Herman with her huge, slimey hands and shoved him into her toothy maw. As she gobbled him up, tentacles in all sizes shot out impossibly from every direction in her throat and penetrated every orifice of his body from mouth to nostrils to every pore in his skin until even the space between his atoms were filled out. Herman felt an incomprehensible mix of pleasure and pain as the pressure of the tentacles finally ripped him into shreds on the atomic scale. He felt a cosmic pleasure so great it made him one with every particle in the universe for the amount the time it takes light to travel Planck's Length. And then he woke up.(set: $endingHorseSex to true) [[Wake up|WakeUp2]]

"Okay, Herman, focus!" he thought to himself. "This is important!" Herman took a deep breath, focused all his intent on getting the attention of his neighbours, and let out the loudest hollering "HELP!!!" he possibly could. But once again all the left his mouth was a panicked whinny! [[Panic more]] [[Leave apartment]]

Herman's heart rate went to 11 and with every beat it increasingly felt like he might literally die from a heart attack. "Shit! Shitshitshitshit!" he thought to himself as he realized the next thing he thought about just might be the last thing to go through his mind before he died. [[Think about carrots]] [[Think about his horrible estranged wife|Think about horrible ex-wife]] [[Think about the one that got away]]

Lacking something better to occupy his head with, Herman gave in to his equestrian instincts and thought about carrots, even as his heart beat on with such fury it felt like I might leave his chest like a xenomorph any second. He thought about their crunchiness. He thought about how satisfying it was that he started out small in one end and then got larger. No other snack that he could think of had the quality of getting bigger the closer you got to the end of eating it. Finally, he thought about their orangeness. Herman loved orange. It was the color of the sun, the color and name of his favourite fruit, and it was the color of his favorite soft drink. This train of thought calmed Herman's mind as his heart pumped its way towards its final beat. And when a couple of police officers stood over his dead body sometime later, they could both swear the dead horse lying by their feet had a salient smile on its muzzle. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman's final thoughts raced with the trained speed that only preoccupation could provide towards the only thing not worth spending time thinking about: His estranged wife, Michelle. "God, what was I thinking?” Herman thought to himself. "Why, oh, why did I marry that despicable woman?!" As he thought about all the emotional abuse and terrible couples' dinners they'd had to go to with people none of them liked that she had put him through, he eventually ended up thinking about the worst thing about Michelle: Her relentless attempts at faux spirituality and the shitty overpriced yoga retreats she made them go on. "Fucking breathwork," Herman thought to himself and continued with an inner mocking voice: "Breathe in, breathe out. Stupid fucking useless shi-" Herman stopped dead in the tracks of his train of thoughts. "Breathwork! Of course! If I can recall the routine maybe I can calm myself down!" [[Try to recall breathwork exercise routine]] [[Accept death before accepting there could possibly be anything positive about being married to Michelle]]

Herman's final thoughts drifted towards the love of his life. Or, at least, what would have been the love of his life if they had ever gotten so far as to actually speak to each other beyond, "Americano, no milk," or, "Double shot cappuccino, please." Her name was Whinniefred and she had been the barista at the coffee shop where he bought coffee for himself and his horrible ex-wife, Michelle. "Oh, Whinniefred," Herman thought as his heart pumped ever closer to the end. "Oh, Whinniefred, Whinniefred, Whinniefred... I should have said something." Herman's huge horse eyes swelled up with bitter tears and, as much as it was possible for a horse to sob, Herman sobbed the final seconds of his life away until he fell to the floor with a large thud. Some time later, a couple of police officers stood over a dead horse that, for the lack of a better explanation, seemed to have died of sorrow. They both got in trouble with their chief inspector when he read their report. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman focused his mind and recalled how the yogi named Serena Starflutter, in an infuriatingly soft voice, told them to find an inner rhythm while rubbing a turquoise piece of rock. The rock was somehow supposed to have the magic power of sucking negativity out of your thumb, apparently. But only if you breathed correctly, of course. Herman had no turquoise rock to rub, and he considered this a moot point as also had no thumbs to rub it with. Serena Starflutter, in all her divine glory, never mentioned anything about how to reach your inner chakra if you had transformed into another species. But by thinking about the rock, he remembered he found a rhythm in his breathing because it had a small indentation in it that he would time breathe outs to. He took a deep breath, held it for four seconds and then, slowly, he breathed out. He continued like this until he found a rhythm. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out... To his great surprise, it worked! After a few minutes he was no longer panicking. Herman reared in celebration of his achievement and thought about what to do next. [[Leave apartment]] [[Go look for carrots]]

Herman refused to live in a world where there was anything positive to say about Michelle and so, on sheer principle, Herman closed his eyes for one last time and embraced death. Some time later, a couple of police officers stood over the body of a dead horse that they both could swear had a smug, self-satisfied expression on its face. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Herman stopped galloping and trotted back to the phone. He pointed his ears in the direction of the speaker and, sure as rain, there was sound coming out of the speaker. [[Lean down and press an ear against the speaker]] [[Ignore and leave apartment]]

Herman kicked open the door to his apartment and ran out into the streets where he was promptly shot dead by a police officer on patrol. As his vision turned black for the last time he was quite surprised to catch a glimpse of a red rubber duck with devil horns smiling at him. THE END. (link:"*Restart from the beginning*")[(goto:"Intro")]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Herman attempted to lean down to the phone but failed. After a few awkward tries, he finally conceded to lying down entirely first before pressing an ear against the broken speaker that, even though it wasn't attached to anything, definitely had sound coming out of it. There were two voices, one angry and high tempered, and one clearly in a teasing and childish mood. It sounded like they were having a quarrel. "-ourse I’m not letting you ride my infernal steed!" "Why not?" "Because it’s mine! I’m Satan, I don't share things!" "But I wannaaaa..." "Well... you can’t!" "But I waaaaannaaaaaaa!" "You are an INCORPOREAL SOUL, EWAN! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BODY TO RIDE IT WITH!!" “...” “...” "But. I. wan-na!!" "Ewan, I swear to Go-oh no, you´re not getting me to say that again- I swear to GORGORROTH THE UNHOLY that if you don’t stop pestering me about this I will, I will.. I simply won’t get a new Hell Stallion!" "Aw, don’t say that. I will stop pestering you. But only if I get to give it some carrots!" "Pffhahahahahaha, you think that the The Steed of Satan, The Motlenhooven Warhorse of Hell, The Pestilent Harbinger of The New Infernal World Order, is going to ride through the multiple planes of existence, heralding my arrival as the new Overlord of All That Is And Ever Will Be, WITH A MOUTH FULL OF CARROTS!!?!??" "Yes, of course. It’s a horse." "BWAAHAHAHAAA!! Fool! My Demonic Destroyer will not be feeding on earthly foodstuffs! It will, of course, be feasting on molten charcoals and blazing nails!" "Actually," Herman interrupted without thinking, "we prefer carrots, Mr. Satan." There was a pause. It went on just long enough to become awkward. Then Satan broke the silence. "What was that?" "That's Herman." "He can HEAR us?!" "Well, yeah, you told me to ring up this Herman guy and then we would steal his horse." "EEEEWAAAN, you idiot! Herman IS the Horse! I told you to rear him in!" "Oops!" "And you will eat what I damn well feed you, you hear me, Herman?!" Herman heard him. And he really didn't like the idea of eating molten charcoal, so he bucked wildly in panic for a few seconds before rearing and dashing out his front door. [[Dash out front door|Ignore and leave apartment]]