Snozbot Air The world's worst airline™

 

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Improved service! Now with 36% passenger survival rate!

"Get back you fiends!"

Priority Boarding Stick™

Tired of gouging other customers eyes out with your bare hands to get to the best seats?

Use our patented technology to beat back the frenzied mob as you rush onto the plane.

Now with Integrated Nail Technology™!

I can still hear their screams every time I close my eyes.

J. O' Kane, Satisfied Customer

Choose Tickets

Please select the required ticket type.


Economy customers are kindly requested to row using the conveniently provided oar at your seat.


Customers who refuse to row will be flogged until rowing resumes.


In the likely event of an attack by a Mecedonian pirate galley, the captain will leave the seat belt light on for the duration of the battle.
 To avoid a watery grave, we strongly recommend that you row harder.

A convenient guillotine is provided beside the restrooms in case of a popular uprising by the unwashed masses in Economy Class.


There is a $60 charge for cake.



We select only the juiciest and most critically endangered species for our award winning caviars.

Relax in the comfort of one of our cryogenic freezer units for the duration of your flight!

On arrival at your destination, you will be placed in a cold storage facility until medical science has advanced to the point where you can be resuscitated (or a power cut happens, whatever).

There is an $100 defrosting charge for customers wishing to avail of future resuscitation.


For the sake of humanity do not fly with this airline.

S. Gregan, Satisfied Customer

Baggage Charges

Please enter the following personal information.



 Emotional Baggage charge: $120

We treat our customers with the respect they deserve!™

Travel Insurance

FACT: In recent years there has been a worrying increase in velociraptor attacks and spontaneous human combustion whilst on holidays.

Protect yourself and the ones you love today with affordable Snozbot Air Travel Insurance™ for only $500.


 You have accidentally selected not to buy travel insurance. Surely you can't be serious?

Ok, let's try this again. It would be a real shame for you to come home to find that your house has burned to the ground and that all your relations and friends have been brutally murdered. That would be terrible, but it'll probably never happen right? Oh by the way, our policy covers that too.

And we know where you live.


 Congratulations! You've made the right choice!

Terms and conditions

Snozbot Air Travel Insurance™ provides cover in the following situations only:

  • Extinction level event meteorite strike
  • Gamma ray burst due to nearby star going supernova (Type II only)
  • Lost luggage*
* Luggage must have been lost while escaping from a resurrected egyptian mummy** at midnight on the Spring equinox.
** Losses due to non-egyptian mummies (e.g. bog bodies) are not covered by this policy.

Soon we envied the dead. Their pain had ended, ours had only begun.

R. Pearce, Satisfied Customer

In-flight Services

Please select a delicious and nutritious meal to enjoy during your flight.


In the interests of ensuring a comfortable flight for all, we kindly request that you refrain from eating your fellow passengers at any time. They are our property and we need their meat for stocking the High Pressure Nutrient Hose.

Luckily all the bodies were destroyed in the fire, so the case collapsed due to lack of evidence.

Snozbot Air CEO, Satisfied Customer

Flight Safety

Customer safety is our number one priority. We are delighted to offer a variety of optional safety enhancing products for you to enjoy on your flight.

$10
$50
$10
$30
$40
$100
$150
$50
$25
$3000
$500
$2500
$100
$90
$25

We fought off the Economy Class passengers before they could eat us too.

M. Lu, Satisfied Customer

Security Questions


If you answer yes to any of the above questions, you are required to wear a bright orange Probable Terrorist™ jump suit for the duration of your flight.

There is a $25 charge for your Probable Terrorist™ jump suit.

Bonus Security Question!

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

When going through airport security, all internal bodily fluids (including blood & mucus) must be placed in containers of 100ml or less, fitting comfortably into a one litre transparent plastic bag (approximately 20cm x 20cm) when fully closed.

For the safety and security of you and your fellow monetization units, the following items are prohibited on our flights:

 
  • Common sense
  • Chickens
  • Oak trees
  • Hope and/or dignity
  • Microwave ovens
  • Sand
  • Protons
  • Spoons
  • Tractor paint
  • Plutonium
  • Education
  • The precious
  • Tea bags

The horror. Oh the unspeakable horror.

J. Farrell, Satisfied Customer

Ticket Discounts

We are pleased to offer our range of discounts to make your ticket even more affordable.
 If you weigh less, you should pay less!

Amputation

Did you know that your arms and legs contribute as much as 45% of your total body weight? Save money on your ticket by availing of our convenient pre-flight amputation service.


Amputated limbs must fit into a container measuring 50cm x 50cm x 30cm.

Dehydration

Did you know that the human body is composed of around 60% water? This means the average person is carrying a completely unnecessary 50kg of water every time they fly.

Our patented dehydration process will reduce you to an easy to transport powder form.

Organ Donation

Organ donation is a noble and brave decision. Our highly qualified surgeons can assist you with removing your kidneys and selling them on the black market where they'll fetch a great price.


There is a Kidney Non-Removal fee of $10
Thank you for your kidneys. They will be eaten with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Day 3. The barricades are holding but air is running low. We have no hope.

C. Gregan, Satisfied Customer

Cookie Policy

This website uses cookies because cookies are delicious, especially chocolate chip.

The cookies are all for us though, passengers do not get cookies.



404 page not found

Snozbot Web Server, Satisfied Customer

Summary of Charges

Payment Options


We hAVe ur tIckET. GAthEr tHE moNEy iN UNmaRked nOn-conSEcuTivE TwenTiEs. AwAIt inSTructIOns. No FUNny stUFf.

Know ye mortal that Snozbot Air is one of the Great Old Airlines. Our kind have been banished from the Earth for untold Aeons. Your sacrifice will permit us to break through the thin membrane separating our realities so that we may once again feed our terrible hunger.
 Await our coming.
We are conducting groundbreaking research into how much humiliation and indignity we can inflict on our passengers before they will fly with one of our competitors.
 Our associates will be around to collect you in the morning. Make peace with your loved ones.
Second hand airplanes should have wings and engine attached. Rust and structural defects are not a problem. Basically, if it can get off the ground we'll take it.
We have a range of interesting unpaid work positions for financially challenged reprobates.

  • High Pressure Nutrient Hose effluent cleaner
  • Food taster for our revered Snozbot Air CEO
  • Hard labor digging up pixels in the Snozbot mines
  • Business Class wine spitoon receptacle
  • Economy Class turkey plucking associate
  • Junior software developer

Minimum employment contract is 15 years, but you'll be lucky to last a month frankly.

Enjoy your flight!

Your sacrifice will not be in vain. We will avenge you.


Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering customer;
to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee;
for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!
Snozbot Air CEO, Charismatic Leader
There is a $10 Literary Appreciation charge for reading this motivational speech.

© Snozbot 2013

Invasion of Privacy Policy