A Story of Shawn

(set: $typewriterText to "There are times when you look back at the past, hoping you had made a different choice. __________ A __________ story __________ of ") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 18ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 8s)[ (stop:) __________ [[Shawn->when I was typing out]]. ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 10s)[ (stop:) It has been 10 seconds. Show the text! ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "When I was typing out this story, there were a few times I went to the balcony, looked over the world that was all shimmering and bustling with life under the copious amount of Winter sunlight, and thought that life was good. In those moments, there was no place in life for sadness, or any variant of it, for it seemed unreasonable to look for it. ") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 18s)[ (stop:) [[It was always possible to look at the bright side of things. -> the certain past]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "But I did recall the certain past, and I felt uneasy again. I tried shoving it back to a far corner of my collection of memories, but it was spilling out like a thin sliver of light that comes through a small gap which you cannot seal, and it would reveal colours and faces in darkness. It was a reminder.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 15s)[ (stop:) [[To forget about the dark side, was to live in that very darkness. -> so I decided to finish]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "So, I decided to finish this story. Do I assume a ministry vibe, like James Baldwin telling his story on the mountain, or a position of a veteran like Tim O’Brien, carrying his stories through difficult days and nights?") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 11s)[ (stop:) [[Well, I am telling it my way. -> what are some things you regret]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to " What are some things you regret? Let’s start with something small; you wish you had checked if the stove was properly turned off. You wouldn’t be walking back home right now, wasting a few minutes in this busy day.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 11s)[ (stop:) [[But is this something you regret? -> late night snack]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "Or, you wish you hadn’t had that late-night snack you just finished. You were excited for it until you had the second bite. And now you are calculating the calories you need to burn tomorrow, and the excess amount of today’s carbohydrates. Now you are looking at your belly.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 13s)[ (stop:) [[Not a big deal …… right? -> current lover]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "Something more serious. Maybe you wish to have stayed as friends with your current lover. All this time with her, you could have invested on yourself. Practice your favourite musical instrument every night instead of calling her, you know, and by now you might have your") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 12s)[ (stop:) [[Gold button YouTube channel, or an admission to Juilliard. -> different path]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "Or, you wish you had chosen a different path. You studied engineering at school, because you had “interest” in working in the field, and there’s good money in it. But now you are thinking you should have studied English, because you wanted to read great books, talk about famous writers, learn more about them and become a writer because, you wonder the limit of human expression, in words, not in numbers.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 21s)[ (stop:) [[But there are times you don’t have a choice. -> angry mother]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "Maybe you wish your mother were more loving. She gets easily annoyed from her work, and likes to yell out her feelings right to your face. You can’t change your mother. Or a city you were born. You were born there, because you were born there. Why, you don’t like my answer?") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 14s)[ (stop:) [[I don’t. | -> I don't]] [[I do. -> I do]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "Okay. Your parents had a job there. They had a job there because they had their skills that could be employed there. They have those skills because their education or life taught them. Yeah. I know you are not satisfied. To be honest, I was never a fan of history essays since that day.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 13s)[ (stop:) [[Let’s just move on. -> this hurts]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "Good. You get it. History classes suck, you know.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 3s)[ (stop:) [[Alright -> this hurts]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "What are the things you tell yourself, oh gee, I should have done THAT, not this. LIKE SERIOUSLY I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT because this hurts.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 7s)[ (stop:) [[And repeat 365 times, then again and again. -> I am here to tell you]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "I am here to tell you about mine. Listen. Maybe I shouldn’t have bought the red scarf. Rather, maybe I shouldn’t have bought her the red scarf. She was wearing it, you know.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 11s)[ (stop:) [[And that hurts me. But that's not what I regret about. -> Shawn and Anne]] ] }

Shawn never thought he would have a crush on Anne. They went to the same high school, and they had mutual friends, but they weren’t attracted to each other. It was the moment when Shawn was playing the piano inside school’s theater, and Anne overheard him playing, their unremarkable friendship had begun to turn into something else. They both knew how to play the piano, and they played it well in different ways. Shawn was good at improvising on the spot, coming up with his own melodies, while Anne was classically trained to an exceptional degree for her age, capable of playing a few etudes by Chopin. [[Anne came over and stood next to Shawn. -> conversation at the piano]]

<a href="https://ibb.co/5Y95M5T"><img src="https://i.ibb.co/DGb7V74/piano-image.png" alt="piano-image" border="0"></a> “How do you do that?” “It’s not easy, but not that difficult either. You just have to know the relative tones between the keys, and just play what’s in your head.” Shawn stopped and looked up to greet Anne. He smiled. “I never thought you could do that.” “It just takes time, that’s really it. Do you want to give it a try?” “Sure, I can try.” And she smiled. [[Shawn shifted a little so Anne could sit next to him. -> her song]]

Shawn always seemed to know where to find a piano. He didn’t have one at home, so he kept with him a list of pianos he had access to, and grand pianos were at the top of his choices. His most favourite was the aging one inside his school’s theatre. Since anyone at school could play it, its keys were worn out and their tones were softened, but because of that, it had a unique experience of playing and he started to like its sound. Also, being in the theatre, the soundstage was the best, and he could tweak the stage lights to create the exact vibe he wanted. [[He had many memories of it. -> noodle]]

<a href="https://ibb.co/Ns7kGSW"><img src="https://i.ibb.co/6mNpqBD/noodle-image.png" alt="noodle-image" border="0"></a> *It’s hard to remember how it looked, but I know for sure it was something I never tasted, some Chinese spices. Maybe a bit of five spices, but it’s only a wild guess. I am not even sure if that’s used to cook noodles. [[But its taste might be a watered-down version of a Chongqing noodle. -> Ocean]]*

*Both hands are travelling non-stop. The right thumb and the left pinky finger are in charge of emphasizing the starting notes, and both index fingers are crucial in joining the phrases. Did you feel overwhelmed by the sheer power of ocean tides? The patterns are repeated throughout the whole song, but there is this uneasiness that dominates the scene. The amount of force is balanced out, with strong notes in both ends of the main phrases and weaker notes in between, but the beginning notes though, they upset you, [[don't they? -> what was she upset about]]*

(set: $typewriterText to "What was she upset about? I should have asked. Like one of those movie scenes where the lovers ask each other questions that you don’t ask often. What upsets you? She might have said, “what do you mean,” because I didn’t know. ") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 12s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> upset 2]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "I would have said, “oh, you know, the song is quite upsetting.”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 3s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> upset 3]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "She might have said, “it’s soothing, don’t you think?”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 3s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> upset 4]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "I would have said, “Well, not really, I mean it has some soothing component here and there but overall it’s just overpowered and unbalanced.”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 7s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> upset 5]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "She might have said, “Yeah, I guess so. I think it sounds pretty good,” ") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 4s)[ (stop:) [[because I wouldn’t have known. -> interview 1]] ] }

It’s not easy to walk straight, but you decide to climb the hill. There are people walking past you with concerned faces, but they don’t interrupt you. You don’t notice that you are being watched by several by-standers. You just keep walking ahead, hoping you will reach the one and only summit, you know that you will. Sometimes leaning against a trunk of a tree to stand straight, you keep stumbling until you make it to the stairs that lead up to the summit. And now you are almost at the summit. And now you are at the summit. You are having difficult time tracking your steps and your memory. And now you have the whole city’s view in your eyes. Don’t get so romantic here. What you see in front of you, is the urban planning that failed miserably. Look at all these LED lights that don’t even flicker. They are everywhere. All the streets, all the buildings, even inside people’s homes. Living rooms, bedrooms, even washrooms are all powered by this energy-saving white light. The endless rows of lighted up condos that scrape the dark sky dominate the landscape below the hill, they make you sick. You feel nausea seeing all these lights that kill the sky, with no stars left alive. You know what? Vomit all over the city in front of you. Vomit over the buildings, the moving cars, the traffic signs, the street lights, the trees, plants, people, vomit over everything that stands in this city. Do you see the young drunkards who are desperately looking for a girl to have sex with? Vomit over them. Do you see the hypocrites masturbating to pornographic videos, who cried their tears out after watching a documentary on sex slavery this afternoon? Vomit over them. Do you see the churchgoers who are confessing their pathetic sins to their fathers? Vomit over them. Do you see the fathers who listen to people’s confession and heal them for free? Vomit over them. Do you see the veterans who fought for this country only a half century ago, but receive no appreciation for risking their lives? Vomit over them. Do you see all those labourers working their night shifts in their sinful factories? Vomit over them. Do you see the delivery man who hit an innocent pedestrian, only to deliver McDonald’s quarter pounder cheeseburger? Vomit over him. Do you see the rich man who doesn’t give a glance at beggars shivering inside a train station? Vomit over him. Do you see the elderly woman, pulling her cart full of paper boxes that she picked up on dirty streets? Vomit over her. Do you see the lovers who exchange their truest feelings towards one another, kissing and hugging on the streets? Vomit over them. Don’t forget, after all the vomiting, remember to climb back down and join the rest. Tread well not to step on your own vomits. When you arrive home, look out through your balcony and find your reflection on the glass window. It overlaps with the landscape that you are familiar with. Do you see the city in your eyes? [[Vomit over it. -> baptism]]

*Do you know why I decided to be baptized? There were a few reasons, but here is one. I used to go to church when I was a kid, not really understanding what it all meant. Being nice to people is commendable, but I never questioned why Jesus died, how Jesus resurrected, and how he could be the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit at the same time. I guess I did ask a few times, but when a question is coming from a kid, it’s hard to be serious. In fact, if there’s somebody we could describe as an average Christian, I doubt they can explain Trinity to an adult, let alone to a kid. What is beauty? It’s one of the questions I asked myself for a while. Especially as I’ve been trying to compose a beautiful song, there were endless nights where I would sit at a piano, try a few notes and melodies, walk around the room for a bit, come back to the piano and try a few more, and get frustrated how difficult it was to create a beautiful sound. Beauty can belong to different senses, and here I want to talk about beauty in the visual sense. I am not talking about a beautiful person, a beautiful flower, or a beautiful jacket. I am talking about beauty that transcends forms. I found this beauty during a Mass, and it was so compelling and heartbreaking at the same time I didn’t know if I should smile, or cry. There is a time, when people would walk in silence to the front, in their utmost solemnness, with their heads down and both hands clasping, and when they reach the front, some would gently bow, others would kneel down, and they would open their hands or their mouth to receive a piece of bread. It’s not a bread, but the Body of Christ. And everyone was so careful not to chew it loudly. During that moment, everyone was equal. Old or young, male or female, disabled or not, rich or poor; [[they were a mortal human being who wanted to be forgiven. -> walking home]]*

(set: $typewriterText to "You are on your way back home. You are losing a balance on the street.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 3s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> walking home 2]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "You hear a woman speaking to you. “Excuse me, do you want me to call a cab for you?”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 4s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> walking home 3]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "You hear the same woman speaking to you. “Get off me, you creep!”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 3s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> walking home 4]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "You hear the same woman speaking to you. “No, gosh, okay, you know what? Never mind. I am not involved in this mess.”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 6s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> walking home 5]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "You hear the same woman walking away, but returning to you. “Yes, I was only trying to help, but you tried to grab me.”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 6s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> walking home 6]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "You hear the same woman walking away, but returning to you. “Alright, I am just going to call a cab for you, that’s it. And you really need to speak to a professional counsellor about your loneliness. I’m sorry but I can’t help you.”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 11s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> walking home 7]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "You hear the same woman walking away, and she doesn’t return this time. You hear yourself cry out, “I AM SORRY. I AM SORRY. I AM SORRY. I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY, I AM SORRY. I AM SO SORRY. I AM SORRY. I AM REALLY SORRY. I AM SORRY.”") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 9s)[ (stop:) [[.. -> walking home 8]] ] }

(set: $typewriterText to "People are concerned, but they don’t interrupt you anymore.") { (set: $typewriterPos to 1)  |typewriterOutput>[] (live: 20ms)[ (append: ?typewriterOutput)[(print: $typewriterText's $typewriterPos)] (set: $typewriterPos to it + 1) (if: $typewriterPos is $typewriterText's length + 1)[ (stop:) ] ] } { (live: 3s)[ (stop:) [[And I think you are used to this. -> Anne's message]] ] }

*Shawn, I am depressed. It’s been a while. I can’t sleep. I tried to sleep last night but I couldn’t fall asleep, and it really worried me. I got only 3 hours. Do you remember the last time we went to watch the Hobbit? You were mad at me because I fell asleep during the movie. It was because I didn’t get much sleep lately. I don’t know what’s happening to my body. [[Shawn, I am really stressed. -> Shawn called Anne]]*

Shawn called her, and they talked for a full hour. Shawn asked if she wanted to come out and play badminton. He made sure to keep his tone in the most cheerful way, because he wanted to translate some positivity over the phone. He knew Anne was tired from not getting enough sleep, but Shawn thought a physical exercise would help her. Anne agreed, and they went to play badminton. Next time when Anne expressed her anxiety, Shawn suggested Anne to run with him. They met at the trail, and he showed her how to stretch before going for 3 kilometers run. He remembered their conversation a few days ago, under the night sky, just by themselves, and his long speech about how a life is a marathon, and one must look at a long-term goal, or happiness. He thought about bringing this up again. <a href="https://ibb.co/XbBWLj2"><img src="https://i.ibb.co/PNprjFm/together-image.png" alt="together-image" border="0"></a> [[but Anne probably didn’t want to hear it all again. -> Anne not picking up]]

A few days later, Anne wasn’t picking up her phone, and Shawn started to worry. He was at home, studying for a Chemistry exam coming up later that week, but he started to think about a dreadful possibility. He decided to visit her. Anne’s mother was a doctor at Children’s Hospital, and she had many night shifts. Anne’s dad didn’t live with them. He entered into the trail, which was sparsely lighted, and he felt night chill settling in his mind. His imagination started to spiral out of control, and he was running before he knew it. He arrived at Anne’s house, and knocked on the front door. The lights were off, even her room upstairs was dark and he couldn’t see her silhouette. He called Anne again, but he didn’t hear any sound coming from inside the house. He paced in front of the garage, then he called Olivia, Anne’s best friend. She picked up his call. [[Anne was at Olivia’s. -> Interview 2]]

*I don’t like history, because no matter how much you discuss what could have happened, and what might have happened, you don’t know. Unless you were there, you can only make guesses, and I was tired of making them. Do you know how much I wanted to talk to her? Fill the sudden vacancy in my life? Ask her why she did it? Ask her why she faked so hard? Ask her why she didn’t leave anything for me, and blame her how much I tried to look for anything? How I went through her cabinet, her desk, her bag, her room, her clothing and her giftboxes, and couldn’t find a single evidence of her thinking about post-Anne-me? [[So many questions, so many attempts to answer, but none of them was validated. -> questions of why]]*

*And so many questions of why. Why did you ignore my text message? Why did you give me up? Why did you not confess to me your true feelings, your past attempts, and just tell me that I should act a better lover because love is not as life-saving as you might have hoped? [[It wasn’t even a love. -> i'm sorry]]*

*But, her Christmas letter. Her first sentence was that she loved me. And the rest of the letter didn’t contradict it. Oh, what was it that we had between us? Regardless, I am sorry that I failed to make you feel happier. It was my duty as a boyfriend, and I wasn’t great at it. My parents don’t love each other. My mother told me how she should have divorced him on the first day she officially visited his family. And my dad doesn’t know how to deal with it. He just sits, not say a word, watch my mother scream at him, scream at us, and scream at herself. My mother prays to her God every night for a lovely Christian day tomorrow. She thinks I became a Christian because she was a Christian, but oh, that’s just a bad secondary source for my history. So, can I attempt to explain, to what extent it was my fault, and it was my parents’ fault, and it was your parents’ fault, and it was society’s fault, and it was your fault? And what is the point of it, if it complicates everything, with no chance of going back, with no right answers, and it hurts? In the end, in many situations in life, one must choose a side, even if it’s temporary, even with information that’s far from being complete. Like how I decided that it wasn’t my parents’ fault. Sure, I grew up without watching my parents expressing their love to each other, but they are not responsible for this. Like how I claimed to understand the work of Christian God and got baptized, not as a Muslim, a Buddhist, or a Jew, but as a Christian because it was so beautiful to watch people at the church walk to the front, hoping to be forgiven for their faults, so that they may carry on and make another attempt at their life. Like how I decided that you were wearing the red scarf when you hung yourself, as an unspoken message to me, that even though I failed to be a boyfriend who could save you, you were glad to have spent time with me during your short life, and you would feel the touch of the scarf I gave you for your Christmas gift, until your last moment. [[I hope the scarf eased the pain. -> Interview 3]]*

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