"It's just what I do," he says. "I'm about seeing the world." He gestures a little with the cigarette, out over the sea. "I'm not even from Philly, you know."\n\n"Oh, shit," you say. "Don't tell them that."\n\nHe does laugh, then, a thick rasp. "God, no kidding, right?" he say. "I think they were getting ready to elect me mayor."\n\n"Mayor?" you say. "I heard people talking //president//."\n\n"Ugh," he says. "I mean, I'd be good at it, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather tear off one of my arms than go into politics."\n\n"Yeah," you say. You don't actually follow much in the way of politics, other than what you glean from taking a nap under a crumpled up AM New York every so often. "And they'd make you quit smoking."\n\n"If you ever see me with a vape just drop-kick me into a sarcophagus of Old Bay," he says, and you both laugh. More ash falls on the boards. "So what the hell are you doing here?"\n\n"Uh," you say. "Just getting away from the attention for a while. I'm just a regular guy, you know? I never wanted to be a hero or an inspiration or anything. I don't give a shit, so I don't want anyone to give a shit about me." You let out a little breath and gnaw on your french fry some more. "Sorry. It's been a weird few days."\n\n"No worries," he says. "You picked a good place to lie low. No one gives a shit about Baltimore. Not unless they're talking about //The Wire//." He points the cigarette vaguely in your direction. "Have you seen //The Wire//?"\n\nYou have not seen //The Wire//.\n\n- [["What?" you say. "Of course I've seen //The Wire//."|thewire]]\n- [["Ugh," you say. "No, I haven't seen //The Wire//."|nowire]]\n\n

Thank you for experiencing my first ever attempt at working with twine. I hope you enjoyed this romantic experience.\n\nFollow me on twitter <a href="http://twitter.com/whitneyarner">@whitneyarner</a>.

"No," you say. "Thank you... really, thank you, but no."\n\nYou wring your paws together a little. They're greasy from ham. "I mean, I bitch about it a lot, but New York is just... home, you know? It's where I fit. It's where I make sense."\n\nYou shake your head. "No, it's more than that. That just makes it sound like I want to go back because it's easy. But it's not easy! It sucks. But it sucks in the best way possible. I want to go back and grab another slice. Hell, I want to make off with a whole damn pie." You laugh and it works all the way through your whiskers. "Put me on the cover of the fucking Post, I don't care. I'll be proud."\n\n"I'll come through sometime," he says. His voice sounds a little sad. "Maybe I'll see you again."\n\n"Probably not," you say. "It's a big city, and I'm just one little guy, like all the other little guys."\n\nHe takes one of your paws in his claw, holding it lightly. "Yeah," he says. "But you're the little guy I won't forget."\n\nYou rest your other paw on top of his claw for a moment, and then you part. You keep the goodbyes brief, and then you're making your way back to where the MegaBuses launch. You have the smell of cigarettes lingering in your fur, and a craving for pepperoni in your belly.\n\n[[THE END|end]]

You never wanted the media attention. I mean, seriously. Can't a guy try to grab a slice without it becoming a trending topic? This is New York, for christ's sake. There's supposed to be an unspoken rule that people just let people do their own thing and if it's not messing with your thing you stay the fuck out of their way. Hell, if people had left you alone, you'd have made it home with the whole slice instead of just a few bites.\n\nThis city, man. No greater in the world, but that includes no greater at sucking. Maybe you need to [[get out of town for a while|megabus]].\n\n

"I could eat," he says. "No pizza, though. My cholesterol's through the roof and my wife gets up my ass if I so much look at a piece of pepperoni."\n\nYou don't really know why your heart seems to stop for a few seconds. Maybe you need to check your own diet. "You have a wife?"\n\n"Well," he says. "We're technically separated. But we're still friends, you know?"\n\n"Sure, I know," you say, even though most of your interactions with your exes have involved specific hopes that they'd drown in a Slurpee cup on the L train tracks. "She lets you smoke, though?"\n\n"She doesn't know I smoke," he says, and then chuckles. "Well, she didn't."\n\nYou laugh. "Always a downside to fame." You rest a paw on his claw. "No pizza. I don't have the appetite for it right now, anyway. But I'm pretty sure I saw someone throw out most of a veggie footlong from Subway."\n\n"I could fuck up a banana pepper right now," he says.\n\nYou rest a paw on his claw. [["Then follow me."|lastchoice]]

"I mean, it's only one of the greatest shows in television history, right?" you say. Your french fry is almost all gnawed up now. "It's like, real. Like really real. I mean, they got all those real people, like, real crime people? Snoop, am I right?"\n\nMore ash falls from his cigarette. It's gotten very small now.\n\n"And the way they did the whole opening theme? Season four is probably my favorite," you say. Your paws twitch and you tug at your whiskers. "And fucking Idris Elba? Man." You start to try to whistle 'Farmer in the Dell,' but you have never been able to whistle.\n\n"Yeah," he says. "I hear it's good. I've never seen it, myself."\n\n[["Oh," you say. "That's cool. You should sometime."|nowire]]

"I figure I'll get around to it eventually," he says. "Like if I break a leg or something."\n\nYou laugh, the tension coming out of you. "But really, I just... had to get out of town," you say. "Things turn over fast in New York. A squirrel will get a yogurt cup stuck on her head and no one will remember me."\n\n"If you say so," he says. "But don't you New Yorkers have a whole 'never forget' thing?"\n\n"Ughhhhh!" you say, and throw the remnants of your french fry at him. "Go huff a dong, Guiliani."\n\nHe's laughing again, that rasp. "You're going to go back and you'll be all over t-shirts. Someone's going to be dressed like you shaking down tourists in times square."\n\nYou cover your face with your paws. "Stop," you groan. "Maybe I'll just never go back."\n\n"Can't wait to read your thinkpiece about it," he says.\n\n"Go fuck yourself," you say, and the last of the ash falls off his cigarette and the ember goes dark. It's quiet for a while, except for the sound of the ocean in front and the sound of the city behind. The same ocean, but different; a different city, but the same.\n\n[["You hungry?" you say, finally.|food]]

Everyone is from somewhere. And you're from...\n\n[[...New York|newyork]]\n

Turns out it wasn't a veggie, it was a ham and turkey with the whole damn veggie bar on top of it, but that works out great. You chow down on the meats while he systematically destroys every last olive. \n\nHe tells you about Boston. You tell him the Red Sox suck, and then he laughs when you admit you've never even seen a baseball game. He tells you about meeting his wife on the Jersey Shore. You tell him about the boyfriend you had who got run over by an Uber. He tells you he'd like to see the Pacific Ocean someday. You admit you might, too.\n\n"This was pretty fun, tonight," he says, another cigarette burning down in his claw. "You know, if you wanted to keep laying low, I've got plans to keep heading down the coast. You could come with me. Savannah's pretty nice this time of year."\n\nYou take a deep breath.\n\n- [[Say yes|yes]]\n- [[Say no|no]]

"Crazy seeing you here!" you say. \n\n"Is it?" he says. He wiggles the cigarette a little in his claw and ash falls off onto the boards. There's a good little pile of ash there, near his many legs.\n\n"We're both pretty far from home," you say.\n\n"Do I //know// you?" he says.\n\nYou laugh a little. Always were a presumptuous fucker. "Oh, uh, I'm..." You wave the french fry a little. "You know, with the pizza."\n\nHe's quiet for a moment, and then makes a little 'huh' sound. "Well, shit," he says. "Didn't recognize you."\n\n"Yeah, without the pizza," you say. "I was kind of counting on that." Your nose twitches as the wind changes and cigarette smoke blows your way. "You, though..."\n\nHe lifts the cigarette a little. "Yeah, I know," he says. "Couldn't kick the habit if I tried. I don't care if anyone recognizes me."\n\n"Guess you're pretty thick skinned, huh?" you say, and he doesn't laugh. You gnaw a little on the more burnt end of the fry. "But, uh, what brings you to town?"\n\n[["Well..." he begins...|talk2]]

The sun is starting to set; he's mostly just a silhouette at the end of the boardwalk. Just a shadow against the low orange of the sky. You might not have noticed him at all if not for the curl of smoke coming off of, the glowing ember at the end of the cigarette he has clutched in his left claw.\n\nWell, it's not like you're nervous around celebrities. You once ate Kevin Spacey's leftover green tea noodles. And you're pretty famous yourself, at least for this week. \n\nYou grab a french fry before you head over. Just makes you feel a little more at ease.\n\n"Hey," you say as you come up beside him.\n\nHe swivels one eye towards you slowly. [["Hey..."|talk]]

Pizza Rat Goes On A Date With Cigarette Crab

by @whitneyarner

"Yes," you say. It comes out of you before you can even really think about it. It just... seems right. \n\n"Yeah?" he says.\n\n"Yeah," you say, and your heart is racing. This is crazy. This is stupid. You'd always thought you'd live your whole life and die in NYC. You always thought you'd never want it any other way. But listening to him tonight, his stories, it's got you wondering, if maybe there's something else. Maybe it's not better, but it's something //else//. Not just another night on the tracks, not just another slice. It's something else. \n\nAnd you won't be doing it alone.\n\nYou rest your paw on his claw again. "I'm going to miss the bagels, though."\n\n"Ah, fuck your bagels," he says. "They're better in Montreal, anyway."\n\n"Yeah, and you're better dipped in butter," you say, and you both laugh, together, on the first of many nights.\n\n[[THE END|end]]

No one knows you here, and that's pretty great. You follow your nose down to the harbor. You're pretty sure your ancestors came over on some big ships a long time ago. That's gotta be why you've got such a thing for the ocean. Well, the ocean and the shit people like to eat when they're by the ocean. \n\nFuck it, maybe you can get a corn dog. A whole goddamn corn dog. No one ever made a meme out of a corn dog. At least not a successful one.\n\nYou're scrounging through some trash cans for a while, mostly finding burnt fry bits and scraggled up cotton candy sticks. Just when you're about to hit up the next bin, you notice out of the corner of your eye [[something familiar|crab]].\n

You hop on the first Megabus you can get on. At least the 7 line extension makes it less of a pain in the ass to get out to Javits. You make yourself comfortable underneath a seat. Twenty minutes into the trip the guy sitting in it pulls out a tuna sandwich. A tuna sandwich! On a bus! You were literally raised in an old Taco Bell bag and you have better manners than that. \n\nStill, he does drop some on the floor. Free snack, and no one's going to bother posting pictures of a guy eating tuna salad on BuzzFeed.\n\nYou fall asleep for a while, and when you wake up, the bus is stopped. You step out in [[a different town|baltimore]].