(set: $father to false, $mother to false, $brother to false, $fatherc to 0, $motherc to 0, $brotherc to 0)You stand at the gate out of your village.
Your family surrounds you to say one last goodbye before you set off on your own. You try not to be emotional, but you know once the night falls you won’t be in your own bed.
Take what you can from them to bring on your journey:
[[Turn to your father->Father]]
[[Turn to your mother->Mother]]
[[Turn to your brother->Brother]]
(set: $father to true)Father stands before you. You notice the nervousness in his usually stoic posture. He taught you how to fight, how to be the protector you were born to be. And now, he sees you off with a smile on his face:
“Take care of yourself and make us proud.”
[[He hands you the family sword->Your father]]
(set: $mother to true)Mother wraps her arms around you. She gives you the warm smile you’ll be missing on your long journey. She hands you a carefully packed meal:
“Write us often and don’t skip any of your meals, alright? This will only last for tomorrow, but I’ve got snacks for you in the bag as well. Take care of yourself!”
[[She gives you the last familiar meal you’ll have in a while->Your mother]]
(set: $brother to true)Brother puts one hand on your shoulder. His slight shake encouraging and reassuring both at the same time:
“I’ll take care of mom and dad. You do what you need to do. If you need any help, let me know, okay?”
He hugs you tighter than need be, hits you on the back, and ruffles your hair. You shake your head and roll your eyes ever so slightly.
[[He hands you your favourite toy from your childhood. A memorabilia->Your brother]]
Your father invested in your first graphic tablet when you were 14. Traditional materials were expensive, and you wanted to go digital to draw online with your English-speaking friends. This year, he insisted on paying for your refurbished Cintiq Companion. Next year, you’re getting evicted due to his and your mother’s divorce. Your financial supports drops in February.
You’ve always worried about asking for assistance, monetary or otherwise. Take what you can now when you still have time:
[[Learn from his affairs->Affairs]]
[[Learn from his ambition->Ambitions]]
(set: $fatherc to 1)You put the festering thought into your head and begin to process it. You think of something else in the meantime.
(if: $mother is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your mother", "Mother")]
(if: $brother is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your brother", "Brother")]
(if: $father is true and $mother is true and $brother is true)[(link-goto: "You stand at the gates to your village", "You")]
(set: $fatherc to 2)You put the festering thought into your head and begin to process it. You think of something else in the meantime.
(if: $mother is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your mother", "Mother")]
(if: $brother is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your brother", "Brother")]
(if: $father is true and $mother is true and $brother is true)[(link-goto: "You stand at the gates to your village", "You")]
Your mother stopped teaching when she had you and your brother. You remember reading mangas and comics while overlooking her private tuition classes at home. She was a wonderful Chemistry teacher. Chemistry was your worst subject. She was a wonderful artist. Art was something she warned you about pursuing.
She’s going back to Vietnam soon, and you don’t know when you’ll be able to support her like she’s raised you. Take what you can to remember her by:
[[Learn from her broken marriage->Marriage]]
[[Learn from her resilience->Resilience]]
(set: $motherc to 1)You put the festering thought into your head and begin to process it. You think of something else in the meantime.
(if: $father is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your father", "Father")]
(if: $brother is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your brother", "Brother")]
(if: $father is true and $mother is true and $brother is true)[(link-goto: "You stand at the gates to your village", "You")]
(set: $motherc to 2)You put the festering thought into your head and begin to process it. You think of something else in the meantime.
(if: $father is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your father", "Father")]
(if: $brother is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your brother", "Brother")]
(if: $father is true and $mother is true and $brother is true)[(link-goto: "You stand at the gates to your village", "You")]
You can pinpoint a few moments where the relationship with your brother went down the drain. You were conceived only because he asked to have a little brother. Now you both despise each other. You don’t talk. You don’t make eye contact. You care more for your cheating father than your sibling.
Of all the writing to struggle with for this, you had the hardest time finding anything to say about your brother. Take whatever that reminds you of him the least:
[[Learn from his impertinence->Impertinence]]
[[Learn from his independence->Independence]]
(set: $brotherc to 1)You put the festering thought into your head and begin to process it. You think of something else in the meantime.
(if: $father is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your father", "Father")]
(if: $mother is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your mother", "Mother")]
(if: $father is true and $mother is true and $brother is true)[(link-goto: "You stand at the gates to your village", "You")]
(set: $brotherc to 2)You put the festering thought into your head and begin to process it. You think of something else in the meantime.
(if: $father is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your father", "Father")]
(if: $mother is false)[(link-goto: "Turn to your mother", "Mother")]
(if: $father is true and $mother is true and $brother is true)[(link-goto: "You stand at the gates to your village", "You")]
You take what you've gotten and put it in your luggage.
(if: $fatherc is 1)[(link-goto: "Strap the sword onto your belt", "His affairs")]
(if: $fatherc is 2)[(link-goto: "Strap the sword onto your belt", "His ambitions")]
(if: $motherc is 1)[(link-goto: "Put the meal into your bag", "Her marriage")]
(if: $motherc is 2)[(link-goto: "Put the meal into your bag", "Her resilience")]
(if: $brotherc is 1)[(link-goto: "Fiddle with the toy in your hand", "His impertinence")]
(if: $brotherc is 2)[(link-goto: "Fiddle with the toy in your hand", "His independence")]
(if: $fatherc is 3 and $motherc is 3 and $brotherc is 3)[You have a habit of thinking out loud. You write and post your thoughts online in obscure social media platforms at strange hours so that you could both be public and invisible at the same time. You let your thoughts materialize into words on the page. You throw them out into the world. Then you delete everything.
A thought stops festering in your mind once you have physically erased it.
[[This is your poor man’s therapy.]]]
Your father has been having affairs for as long as you have been alive. You were born during one of the firsts. You mother recalled you were so stressed you had to be sent home from kindy. Last year, your mother found wedding photos your father took with his latest lover over in Singapore, the layover city on flights between Vietnam and Perth.
[[His other wife accidentally sent texts regarding his newborn baby “Pumpkin” to his old phone, which your mother was using at the time.]]
You have distanced yourself enough from all of this that you feel very little attachment to him and your family in general. You never quite understood how a single man could cheat, gets find out, and yet continues to try the same thing for three, four times over the course of two decades.
[[You never did until you listened to your favourite singer’s latest album “Waitress”.]]
“Waitress” is a musical in which an unhappy wife finds love outside of her broken marriage and through her unwanted child. The woman, Jenna, duets “You Matter To Me” with her doctor who she has the affair with. To Jenna, “being mattered to someone” justifies the adultery.
[[Perhaps, this was true to your father as well.]]
(set: $fatherc to 3)No matter what you do, you can never truly excuse your father’s affairs. But at the very least, you attempt to understand the motivation behind it, so at least you can conjure some sort of closure to yourself and for yourself in your head. Your mother never truly loved your father. His choice of where he works takes him further and further away from home. For every affair that happened, the marriage, and your parent’s care for one another, mattered less and less.
Perhaps he found someone to whom he mattered with this new family.
[[You wish him well.->You]]
(set: $fatherc to 1, $motherc to 1, $brotherc to 1)
[[You]]
You are in Australia only because of him. All through your life, your father has continuously worked further and further away from home. His reasoning being the pay gets better, thus we could live more comfortably every move he makes. Every new place he worked at he has had a different affair.
[[He needs the extra money to take care of extra families.]]
Less than a decade ago he moved to Australia. The immigration lawyer who was supposed to help him stopped responding to his messages the moment his flight arrived in Perth. He spent the next week navigating an entirely new country, travelling six hours north on unfamiliar lands to find the work he was promised.
[[He worked multiple jobs for years so he could bring your family here.]]
You came here five years ago. You were failing academically. Your brain couldn’t keep up with the memory-and-theory-focused education system back home in Vietnam. After the one year of high school here, you graduated as the top student with a $1000 scholarship to university.
[[Now you have some semblance of a future.]]
(set: $fatherc to 3)For all of his faults, he still continued to support your family. The divorce was held off until you got your citizenships. He’s leaving you with a good car and great computer and tools to pursue what you love to do. Though you might have little love for you father, you are still grateful and can’t help but feel indebted for all the things he has done for you.
[[You hope to send him a copy of your first published work.->You]]
You have a strong inkling that your mother never loved your father. When you came out to her about your sexuality, she told stories with a strong subtext of her own lost love for a friend she visits every time she goes back to your home country. They both vowed never to marry husbands, but your father’s persistence either paid off or pressured her into a marriage you believe she never quite wanted.
[[She’s never really been happy.]]
Your first memory of your mother is watching her cry on the stairs of your childhood home. It was dark. You couldn’t see her face. You couldn’t hear anything. But you know. Then you remember you and your brother being taken to a beach town on a vacation retreat. She was running away from home to spite your father. You had durian ice cream every night. It was one of your fondest memories.
[[She warns you about your father’s infidelity every chance she gets.]]
Ever since you were small, you have worked as her silent therapist. Unpaid, unwilling, unwanted. Her broken heart and her father’s betrayals come up every single time you try to have a conversation with her. It makes you feel exhausted. It makes you feel disgusted. It makes you blame yourself for your parent’s broken marriage.
[[She only stayed because she wanted you to have a father.]]
(set: $motherc to 3)But you never really did, did you? You had financial assistance, yes. You had a biological link to a man, yes. But you never really had a father. You’re old enough now to be perfectly okay with that. You don’t blame yourself anymore. Instead, you realize you were the one thing that kept the family going for so long.
Your well-being was worth something for both of your parents. You made your father chased after his ambitions. You gave your mother something to care and live for. Your existence mattered just enough to give your entire family a new life in a new country. Now that you have a slight chance at a future, they can finally resign to the divorce and go their separate ways.
You were both what kept them together, and what set them free.
[[You are grateful for that.->You]]
She tells you how much she wants to stay with you here in Australia every day. You find it funny how she would rather live where she can barely communicate with the locals than to go back to her home country. You feel guilty planning to live on your own. You want to eventually be able to take care of her. You feel bad for wanting some time alone.
[[She’s always been alone.]]
You father’s side of the family despise your mother. They wanted him to marry a different woman. They despise you. They despise your brother. They told your mother the affairs and the divorce never would have happened if you were Christians like them. With or without the religion, they were money-crazed lunatics.
[[They treat everyone not related to them like trash.]]
They lent your family money to send your brother to study abroad. They later demanded that money back when the exchange rate was the highest it had ever been. Your family went deeper into debt because of that.
Every time they come to your house to visit, the first thing they do is open the fridge and take whatever they wanted without asking. All this despite them being one of the richest people in the neighborhood.
They yell, hit, and lash out at the wives who were married into the family. The women confide in your mother often.
[[You have cut ties with your relatives already.]]
(set: $motherc to 3)Your mother shows up at the family gatherings every year still. She endures it to please your father and his family, to keep the financial support going, for you. She endures everything for you.
You feel sick in your stomach thinking about her being forced to go back to Vietnam. You feel sick in your stomach when you daydream about living away from anyone even remotely related to you. But you know that she has a support system from her side of the family back home. The support system you can never provide.
You feel sick.
[[But you know you both will be better for it.->You]]
Your brother is loud. He plays online games and talk with his friends over the internet every single night. He is loud. He yells and screams and swears and yelps and it is 3:00AM and you cannot sleep. He refuses to be quiet. No matter how much you or your father or your mother ask, he stays loud.
[[You despise the sound of his voice.]]
You remember playing games with him. You remember him bringing home games from internet cafes and you watching him play. You remember figuring out how to pronounce Pokemon names with him. You remember being close.
You remember that you were an absolutely terrible kid. You were depressed, selfish, and easy to anger. He is five years older than you. You went through puberty immediately after he did. You changed and you clashed. At one point you stopped being able to forgive your brother. Now, you care for him the least.
[[And you are okay with that.]]
(set: $brotherc to 3)From two decades of first-hand experience, you know what living with somebody who has no concept of respect for others is like. You do your absolute best to not become like him someday.
You are polite to others because you wanted to be treated with politeness but never did. You forced yourself to laugh and cry and experience emotions in the quietest way possible. You are intensely friendly to others because you were never afforded the same affection from your own blood.
[[That’s a lot of good things that came from something so bad.->You]]
Your brother is the eldest. At times, you feel like he was the guinea pig for your parents to make mistakes upon before raising you. At times, you feel guilty and privileged; you feel undeserving of what you have accomplished because you were never the one to experience hardship first-hand.
[[He had to make it all on his own.]]
He moved to Canada for a few years to pursue a games programming course. He now lives with you and your mother in Australia to find any sorts of work he could. He doesn’t have friends here. He never did in Canada. He has no support systems, no communities, not even his own parents to rely on. Yet, he is still here, and he persists.
[[You feel oddly moved by it.]]
(set: $brotherc to 3)You are fortunate enough to have everything he doesn’t. You have better health. You have potential work and opportunities to work toward. You have a friends who you can move in with when the divorce is said and done. You feel lucky, and you feel bad. You despise him, and you pity him. You don’t care where he goes from here, and yet you do.
[[However you end up feeling, you wish him all the best.->You]]
You were supposed to be thrown out during September this year, but you managed to negotiate the arrangement to be February next year instead. Fortunately, you have friends pouring out of the woodwork to help you. They help you find work. They help you find a place to stay. They lend their shoulders when you need to talk.
This next year of your life, you practically have no ties to your family. You are on your own.
[[But you are not alone.]]
You have been looking forward to this moment for as long as you have lived. You have been trying to put down these thoughts again and again and again but they never came out right. Somehow, this one time, you wrote everything out in two days.
[[You put two decades of pestering thoughts from your head out into the world.]]
You feel better for it.
[[You know next year will be the toughest year in your entire life.]]
You look forward to it.
[[You gets consumed by fear and paralyzed in the middle of the night by anxiety.]]
You work through it.
[[You manage to somehow find silver linings in all of this madness.]]
You are grateful for it.
[[You hope this is the last time you’ll have to think about all this.]]
[[And you keep moving forward,]]
[[Forward.]]
Forward.