Bonehead Blues

*Here comes Sheriff Samuel Solano. He's the top dog, if I recall. That is, if the matter up in the ol' noodle's still gray. Reflecting on the events of the previous night, there's the strong realization that my brain's been cooked into metaphorical spaghetti. Just have to get my bearings. It's only metaphorical, after all. I had always assumed those drug PSAs to be bogus, but it felt as though I were just stepping into that painful unreality. I bow underneath my desk to hide, regretting the string of intemperate decisions I had made. Solano is humming a folksy tune as he swings open the faux woodgrain door. The good man tilts his head around the coroner... corner, singing something mighty familiar.* (text-style:"expand","sway")["Ready to get on the road again, fellow Bonehead?"] *I peek out from below...* [["Me? A Bonehead?"->IntroQuestion]] [["I recognize that tune, Sheriff. Willy Nilly-son, right?"->IntroFriendly]] [["Enough song and dance, if I wanted a performance I'd... forget it, no more phony 'next of kin' calls for the rookie's residence."->IntroPranks]] [["You have the floor."->IntroObedient]]

"Born a 'Bonehead,' always a 'Bonehead.' Now, shall we clock in our tickets to (text-style:"expand","sway")['The Deputy Hall of Fame'] or what?" [["Count me in! Feeling lucky this time around, sir!"->QuestionA]] [["Sounds like a trick that's going to put me on duty for the rest of the day."->QuestionB]]

"Yeah, been meanin' to mention Nine-Lives's auntie just had a pacemaker put in. Probably leave that for a few more months, lots of liabilities to cover if we're not careful-like. Anyways, (text-style:"expand","sway")[we've got something big]." [["You've got to be kidding me. A tank, right?"->PranksA]] [["Yes, I'm aware of our friendship. Though, I would prefer just keeping it professional."->PranksB]]

"You know you can't just give it to me, it's the taxpayer's. We'd need to pull a lot of strings if you're claiming domain over public property. But enough flattery, Deputy. We have (text-style:"expand","sway")[official business] that requires our undivided attention." [["Salute!"->ObedientA]] [["No time for yolks or smokes, huh?"->ObedientB]]

(text-style:"expand","sway")["You'll just have to take the heat for now. Although I could reappropriate some funds for those 'liters,' as long as you stay and listen. Otherwise, you're off the force. No more passes for insubordination during a time like this."] [[Continue...->BriefingA]]

(text-style:"expand","sway")["I'll hang a certificate in your office if you agree to the job. You think you have what it takes, champ?"] [[Continue...->BriefingA]]

(text-style:"expand","sway")["You've got it, champ!"] [[Continue...->BriefingA]]

(text-style:"expand","sway")["Guess you're more clever than you look. You know the rules. No job, no badge, no service record."] [[Continue...->BriefingA]]

(text-style:"expand","sway")["We have had that stashed out in the warehouse since that fundraiser, I suppose I'll let you take it for a spin. For clearance into that armory, better listen to what I have to say next..."] [[Continue...->BriefingA]]

(text-style:"expand","sway")["Strictly by the books. Just like the blackmail file I hid on that sly ol' mayor. We're on a common understanding, methinks."] [[Continue...->BriefingA]]

(text-style:"expand","sway")["Deputy! No, please don't salute like that if you're going to... You're a just a public relations time bomb. Please, just listen for once!"] [[Continue...->BriefingA]]

(text-style:"expand","sway")["You're supposed to savor the entire egg! What you're doing is just an abuse of the palate, robbing the whole of its flavor!" *Sheriff Solano adjusts his crooked badge, recomposing himself.* "Now let's get this briefing out of the way and our brave men and women into the town's way... Danger's way. They'll have to get through them to get to us, and uh... vice versa."] [[Continue...->BriefingA]]

*We see Sheriff Solano motion the officers over to the board, chewing on a toothpick.* (text-style:"expand","sway")["Gather 'round, everyone."] *The sheriff gulps while clutching the bottom of his throat. Another twig devoured, albeit unintentionally.* [[Continue...->BriefingB]]

"That's not a real name, but that's okay; you got on the force precisely because of those deficient mental faculties. Less leaders, more followers. (text-style:"expand","sway")[Now, onto the file...]" [["Whatever you say, but I do think we need a healthy balanace of liters and flowers. It probably would raise the morale." *I pause to reassure myself.* "More beverages would keep our boys hydrated, of course."->FriendlyA]] [["Not interested, I know I'm fit for command."->FriendlyB]]

*I stand at attention, watching as the Sheriff clears his throat with a guttural growl. Wiping off his chin with what looked like a warrant, I read the room and immediately observed a shift in the atmosphere. This briefing was serious in nature.* "As we all know on the force, protecting the community is our third priority. It may not be the first, but it's up there, nonetheless. I thought I should make you all aware that our little town's now New Mexico's fastest-growing community. The filming of that (text-style:"expand","sway")[//Goldilocks Zone//] reboot has caused an exodus of big city folk down from the Hollywood Hills. I understand that we may have difficulties in respecting these characters. Those stars are all paid to act like they're the first in harm's way; all of them are the heroes of a grand, well-rehearsed narrative. Yet, all they do is continue to lie to themselves... All so that they can make a living off of the neverending stories of human suffering. We all get paid for that same exact thing in this department." [[Continue...->BriefingC]]

"Perhaps, there's some resentment with these newcomers because we're in competition with one another. However, we have an obligation to keep everyone in this community safe. Bonehead's been around since the California Gold Rush. Our forefathers settled here in New Mexico because they trusted in each other, not a map. Our morality is not bound to some compass. We must remain flexible, just as much as the laws we observe while on duty. Unfortunately, a federal investigation unit has notified my office that there has been a conspiracy unfolding as this big budget production has drawn unwanted attention to our once humble Bonehead. Deputy Dirk Driver is being put on the case." *Solano motions towards the corner where I'm standing. My shoulders felt as though I had been spontaneously burdened by the weight of the entire town, and the obesity rate certainly did not help as I imagined the pain of such a vivid picture. I could only wonder what responsibility would be put before me.* (text-style:"expand","sway")["Boys, I'm afraid that Bonehead is in danger of a terrorist threat."] [["Give me the details and another pair of pants."->BriefingInfoA]] [["I knew it, they think they can just come to the peaceful side of the world and make it just as miserable as the rest!"->BriefingInfoB]] [["I appreciate your confidence in me, but this sounds above my paygrade. I'll think about it if you let me in on some of the good stuff from the evidence locker."->BriefingInfoC]] (set: $rumorfloyd to false) (set: $floydbooze to false) (set: $bribeupton to false) (set: $visitupchuck to false) (set: $visitroman to false) (set: $visitfloyd to false) (set: $uptontip to false) (set: $foundupchuck to false) (set: $foundhammer to false) (set: $freebreakfast to false) (set: $boardfloyd to false) (set: $boardroman to false) (set: $boardupchuck to false) (set: $findlucas to false) (set: $findnuclear to false) (set: $foundnuclear to false)

*I swap out my trousers, and return to the briefing room with my wits returning to me ever so slowly. Sheriff Solano approaches me once more with a braced posture, rigidly swallowing something into his very soul. It was as if he was about to deliver another groundbreaking revelation.* (text-style:"expand","sway")["Y'know, boiled eggs taste better without the shells."] [["Good to know, I'm heading out."->CaseAccept]] [["I feel like I may need to know more about this case..."->HQEvidence]]

"I think I can speak for all of us when I say we appreciate the enthusiasm. I trust you'll get on this (text-style:"expand","sway")[case] as soon as possible?" [["Yes, sir. That's all I needed to know, I'm going out on patrol immediately."->CaseAccept]] [["I'd appreciate some intel before engaging in any lethal dealings."->HQEvidence]]

*After a few huffs of a mysterious liquid, I feel compelled to confront the dangers ahead. No more will I be tethered to cowardice or a reality without leprachauns dancing under an ice cream sundae sunrise.* "I shouldn't let you go out in public like this, but you're the kind that needs (text-style:"expand","sway")[real motivation] and I've filled my end of the deal. I'll see you out of the station..." [["Yeehaw, cowboy!"->CaseAccept]] [["First, I need to know something about the dragons I'm chasing out there..."->HQEvidence]]

*Reluctantly, I refused the urge to take a nap before looking into some leads. I've always been confident in my abilities as a hardened member of local law enforcement, but something about this case felt (text-style:"expand","sway")[off]...* [[Continue...->HQHub]]

*I was directed by Officer "Nine-Lives" Hanover towards the (text-style:"expand","sway")[EVIDENCE BOARD]...* [[LEAD: Mr. Floyd->EvidenceFloyd]] [[LEAD: Father Roman->EvidenceRoman]] [[LEAD: Charles Upton->EvidenceUpchuck]] [[Leave...->HQHub]]

[*The file on a (text-style:"expand","sway")[MR. FLOYD] says that he frequents PEABODY'S PUB. He's our only inside contact, but we cannot confirm whether he's undercover or just freelance.*] [[Leave...->HQEvidence]] (if: $boardfloyd is false)[(set: $boardfloyd to true)]

[*The file on a (text-style:"expand","sway")[FATHER ROMAN] shows that he is a former pastor, former school principal, but most recently a former herbalist. Roman insists on being referred to as "Father" despite being excommunicated. MESA TOWERS residents have reported strange activity around his apartment as of late. Strange chemical aromas and the like. He lives on the second floor of the complex. We suspect that he's engaging in domestic terrorist activities. He's low on our priority list, but it's possible he knows something about the terrorists we're actually looking for.*] [[Leave...->HQEvidence]] (if: $boardroman is false)[(set: $boardroman to true)]

[*The file on a (text-style:"expand","sway")[CHARLES UPTON] indicates that he is an investor from out-of-town. Charles, also affectionately referred to as "Upchuck" from some of our town's welcoming residents, stays at the BLACK BEAR RESORT on the town outskirts. He could be willing to talk about some of the elites he is bringing into town, if we can find his room number.*] [[Leave...->HQEvidence]] (if: $boardupchuck is false)[(set: $boardupchuck to true)]

*I find myself amongst Bonehead's finest in the (text-style:"expand","sway")[POLICE HQ]. It was here that I considered my next move.* [[To the Evidence Board...->HQEvidence]] [[To the Sheriff's Office...->HQSheriff]] [[Socialize...->HQAutopsy]] [[Leave...->HQGarage]]

*I've got both hands on the wheel of my police cruiser; 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock, parked in the (text-style:"expand","sway")[HQ GARAGE]...* [[To the HQ...->HQHub]] [[Patrol the Residential District...->BoneheadResidential]] [[Patrol the Wilderness District...->BoneheadWilderness]]

*I step into the (text-style:"expand","sway")[MORGUE], hoping to mingle with some of my peers.* [["Busy day, Dr. De Filo?"->AutopsyDoctor]] [["How are you, Larry?"->AutopsyLarry]] [["Hey there, still sleeping on the job?"->AutopsyBody]] [[Leave...->HQHub]]

(set: $random to (random: 1, 3)){ (if: $random is 1)[*Dr. De Filo turns away from the gurney which had absorbed his attention before my interruption.* "It is... a pleasure to feel another presence... Pay me no mind, do what you will here."] (else-if: $random is 2)["You keep me busy, Deputy. Many souls to ferry to the ever-after."] (else:)["There isn't a busier body than me, at least in here... Ha. Ha. Ha."]} [["Good to hear..."->HQAutopsy]]

(set: $random to (random: 1, 3)){ (if: $random is 1)["Howdy, Deps! Doing good, just got finished with, uh, the usual haul over to Hummingbird. Just keep that on the hush-hush, ya'hear?"(set: $findnuclear to true)] (else-if: $random is 2)[*The emaciated man in his patchwork coat seems preoccuppied in a card game of solitaire. He tries to get the attention of his napping friend, to no avail.*] (else:)["Just putting some new patches on the old coat, Depps. Nights are cold out there!"]} [["Alright..."->HQAutopsy]]

(set: $random to (random: 1, 3)){ (if: $random is 1)[*My inquiry provokes no response. He's just out cold; I wonder why we keep bringing more of these guys in. There's just no working spirit within.*] (else-if: $random is 2)[*I wait, but the man's still bundled up. I envy him, and all of the others that sleep without care here. I can only pray to enter such an immovable hibernation once this case is solved.*] (else:)[*A silence envelopes the room. No amount of obnoxious quips could disturb this one from his rest. At this point, I remembered that I was never meant to conjure miracles.*]} [["Sweet dreams, then..."->HQAutopsy]]

*There I was, patrolling the (text-style:"expand","sway")[RESIDENTIAL DISTRICT] of Bonehead...* [[Peabody's Pub...->Pub]] [[Bombshell Burgers...->Burgers]] [[Mesa Towers...->Towers]] [[//The Goldilocks Zone//, Site Beta...->GZBeta]] [[Return to HQ...->HQGarage]]

There I was, patrolling the (text-style:"expand","sway")[WILDERNESS DISTRICT] of Bonehead... [[Hummingbird Lake...->Reservoir]] [[Doink's...->Donuts]] [[Black Bear Resort...->Resort]] [[//The Goldilocks Zone//, Site Alpha...->GZAlpha]] [[Return to HQ...->HQGarage]]

*The town dive, (text-style:"expand","sway")[PEABODY'S PUB], is bustling. It's as if it's a zoo, exotic clientele from wall-to-wall. Now, to strike up a conversation with someone with opposable thumbs.* [[Socialize...->PubBar]] { (if: $rumorfloyd)[[[To Mr. Floyd's booth...->PubFloyd]]] (else:)[???] } [[Leave...->BoneheadResidential]]

*(text-style:"expand","sway")[BOMBSHELL BURGERS] seems to be closed in observance of the 'April Tuesday' holiday. What a shame.* [[Leave...->BoneheadResidential]]

*The stench of illegality permeates the smoky air. In here, at (text-style:"expand","sway")[MESA TOWERS], the apartments are affordable. You just have to foot the bill once the carcinogens hijack your body.* [[To the front desk...->TowersDesk]] { (if: $boardroman is true)[[[To Father Roman's apartment...->TowersRoman]]] (else:)[???] } [[Leave...->BoneheadResidential]]

*I find myself amongst dozens of trailers and cameramen on a forgotten path through the desert shrubbery. This is definitely (text-style:"expand","sway")[SITE ALPHA] for Beckmann's production.* [[To the 'Tourist Barrier'...->AlphaBarrier]] { (if: $findlucas)[["That you, Lucas Solano? Your pops told me to find you, the 'nepotism' results came back negative. I think that means your health is in the clear; you're on the force as of today!"->AlphaLucas]] (else:)[???] } { (if: $uptontip)[[[To the Audition...->AlphaClients]]] (else:)[???] } [[Leave...->BoneheadWilderness]]

*The entrance to (text-style:"expand","sway")[SITE BETA] seems to have been boarded up recently, likely to prevent clever snoops such as myself. A few crumpled bags of Bombshell Burgers are blowing in the wind like greasy tumbleweeds. My skull stomach's growling. Of course I'm referring to my mental appetite for detective work.* { (if: $foundhammer)[[[Smash the barrier with the hammer...->BetaSilo]]] (else:)[???] } [[Leave...->BoneheadResidential]]

*(text-style:"expand","sway")[HUMMINGBIRD LAKE] is still polluted with thousands of barrels of biowaste. Too bad.* { (if: $findnuclear)[[[Search for Larry's uranium sample...->ReservoirNuclear]]] (else:)[???] } [[Leave...->BoneheadWilderness]]

*The donut shop, (text-style:"expand","sway")[DOINK'S], is lit by its eponymous neon sign. Curled letters flicker, radiant to a degree which would compete with the desert sunlight. Probably even radiant enough to scorch your eyeballs to coal.* [[To the cashier...->DonutsBuy]] [[Leave...->BoneheadWilderness]]

*I walk into (text-style:"expand","sway")[BLACK BEAR RESORT] with a sense of purpose in each step. I spot that they're still serving continental breakfast. Yes, this has to be the place.* [[To the cafeteria...->ResortHall]] [[To the swimming pool...->ResortPool]] { (if: $boardupchuck)[[[To the suites...->ResortElevator]]] (else:)[???] } [[Leave...->BoneheadWilderness]]

*I step into (text-style:"expand","sway")[SHERIFF'S OFFICE]. Sheriff's boiling eggs, as custom.* "So Driver, d'ya have any more questions about the case? Dig up anything?" { (if: $evidence is 0)[[["As I've said, I'd make a terrible archaeologist. Questions, on the other hand, I do have."->SheriffQuestions]]] (else:)[[["I've solved the terrorism problem, I think."->SheriffSolve]]] } [["Still not sure, I'll keep you updated..."->HQHub]]

"What else are you itchin' to know, Deputy?" [["Remind me again; what's the focus of this case?"->SheriffQA]] [["Do we have any leads?"->SheriffQB]] [["Anything specific that you need to me look into?"->SheriffQC]] [["That's all for now..."->HQHub]]

"The suspense, it's eatin' at my guts like (text-style:"expand","sway")[egg soup at midnight]. Who are we framing... arresting, whatever?" *Solano scoops another egg into his mouth, hard-boiled.* { (if: $visitfloyd)[[["Remember Mr. Floyd, that agent over at Peabody's? Grilled him. I know what you are thinking, Solano. He's a professional, no way he's going to crack. Well, he let me in on what's going on after buying him a round. Went into a rant-filled stupor, started slurring his words, but I managed to pick up on the classified info he drooled out. These so-called 'terrorists' are all flocking here to infiltrate Beckmann's film."->EndingA]]] } { (if: $visitroman)[[["Well, after Father Roman admitted that he's been planning to bomb at least six nearby public buildings, I found out that we're actually the real terrorists. We betrayed his right to 'sovereignty' and we might as well throw ourselves in jail if a modicum of justice is going to served. It seems like a tall order, but I think he may be right."->EndingB]]] } { (if: $visitupchuck)[[["Everything became clear after visiting that suit over at the Black Bear Resort. Charles Upton has been inviting outsiders from across the globe to engage in illicit activities, some of which we have engaged in ourselves. The problem is he's got no dirt on the mayor so he can't get away with it, unlike us. It's likely that these strangers have been brought here to cause overflows in traffic, all with the implication that first responders may never reach a perp to plant evidence and save a life. He's playing with people's lives, and it ends now!"->EndingC]]] } { (if: $evidence > 0)[[["All of the evidence points to the terrorist being a real piece of work. Speaking of, can I take the rest of the day off?"->EndingD]]] }

"Terrorism is the issue, boy. I know your radio is busted and maybe you need to take some extra stops, but we really need you focused out there. If other Boneheads figure out that we have an insurgency here, we might have another (text-style:"expand","sway")[homicidal hysteria]. The Doc is already up to his eyeballs, no way he keep up with a body count of that scale again. Just report back to me once you've got it figured out." [["Noted..."->SheriffQuestions]]

"There's Mr. Floyd, Father Roman, and Charles Upton. Check the (text-style:"expand","sway")[EVIDENCE BOARD] for more details on those three." [["Noted..."->SheriffQuestions]]

(set: $findlucas to true){"While this case is urgent, do go check on my son, (text-style:"expand","sway")[LUCAS]. He's auditioning at one of the sets for that show. It's either Site A or B, don't 'member. Just let him know that nepotism is no longer a concern and he can knock it off with the theater nonsense."} [["Noted..."->SheriffQuestions]] (set: $lucas to 1)

*The Sheriff and I come to the only conclusion which seems right. Appeasement. A fleet of cargo planes land in the flat deserts surrounding the town of Bonehead. The boss leans over with a wide grin, this is our greatest achievement yet. Without hesitation, I welcome the terrorists. A violent group of radicals, all of them smuggled into the greatest opportunity of their lives. Their rallying cries spoke for itself. Their enthusiasm for their new roles as extras in our town's film was unmatched. I shook hands with each and every one. I felt as though a barrier had been broken. Even as some began to pillage and make a mess of things, I knew that we did the right thing... THE END.* [[...->TitleCredits]]

*It was inevitable. We were the real catalysts of chaos here in Bonehead. The entire department... We hadn't realized it until our eyes were opened by the inspiring, psychotic words of Father Roman. We allowed him to lock Solano and I in a cell for the rest of our days as he enjoyed a life of true freedom. A freedom which was uninterrupted even when he decided to finally act on his violent tendencies. Innocents suffered in his wake, admittedly. We remained within a prison of our own making, yet I was satisfied in allowing another to finally fulfill his dreams. The burden of authority, the burden of Bonehead itself, it was all freed from my very being. For that, I was grateful... THE END.* [[...->TitleCredits]]

*We arrested the cold-hearted bastard, Charles Upton. He wallowed in a crying fit as we dragged him into the station, but I knew that there was no mercy for such a malevolent soul. Making our town into his personal terrorist trap, all for an easy buck. The jury couldn't believe it. Really. He got let go in under an hour, and I was put on temporary leave with pay. Finally, a vacation... THE END.* [[...->TitleCredits]]

*I was relieved of my duties, but 'indefinitely suspended without pay' was the term Solano used. Even though I intermittently slipped into the paranoia that danger was still afoot, I realized that it's really not my problem. My newfound apathy led me into a deep sleep... THE END.* [[...->TitleCredits]]

*I take a moment to chow on some complimentary bacon from the resort's (text-style:"expand","sway")[CAFETERIA].* "Don't mind if I do..." *Nothing better than pork in the mornin'.* [[Leave...->Resort]]

*After wandering the lavish hallways of the resort's top floor, I finally come upon the door to (text-style:"expand","sway")[UPTON'S SUITE]. I wonder how I should engage him, considering his rumored sensitivity to strangers.* [["Mr. Upton, it's Bonehead PD. I'm going to need you to answer some questions."->UptonQA]] [["Upchuck! Come out with your hands in the air!"->UptonQB]] [[Leave...->Resort]]

(set: $visitroman to true){*I approach an apartment entrance which looks to be strewn with gnarled wires and a variety of security cameras bolted to the walls. Before I even lift my hand to knock on the door, a voice calls out to me. The voice of Roman himself.* "For all of these years, the elite has violated my sovereignty. The authoritarians which have sown the seeds of destruction through their paper-thin laws. I know your intentions, and I aim to demolish the six edifices of corruption. Buildings will crumble, and you shall live the rest of your days in the prison of your own making. A prison of guilt, lies, and..." *The chatter from the loudspeaker begins to stutter and crunch into digital white noise. Looks like some maintenance might be due.*}(set: $boardroman to false)(set: $evidence to $evidence + 1) [["The sheriff oughta know..."->Towers]]

*I approach the receptionist at the (text-style:"expand","sway")[FRONT DESK], but the silhouette occupying the chair's just a scarecrow.* { (if: $foundhammer is false)[[[Search the desk drawers...->DeskSearch]]] (else:)[???] } [[Sit in the chair...->DeskChair]] [[Leave...->Towers]]

*It's another dip at the (text-style:"expand","sway")[SWIMMING POOL], and it's another accidental, near-fatal electrocution. I always have trouble remembering that this radio never cooperates with water. I tremble my way out of the deep end and drain my water-logged boots.* [[Leave...->Resort]]

"So what I can do for you, Deputy?" [["It's actually about something that I need you not to do. As upstanding Americans, I need to politely ask you to not engage in terrorism. It's illegal. Of course there's always some other things you shouldn't be doing; at this time, however, terrorism in particular."->UptonInterviewA]] [["What can you tell me about the strangers coming into town, what's their business here?"->UptonInterviewB]] [["How are you holding up, here? The southwestern wilderness must be a big contrast from the lights of the big boy towns."->UptonInterviewC]] [["I'll get back to you, actually."->Resort]]

(set: $evidence to $evidence + 1){*I can faintly hear Charles Upton stomping across the paneled floor within his suite. With an audible sigh, he begins to berate me from the other side.* "You Bonehead pranksters, leave me alone or else I'm ringing up the security detail!" *He's locked the door. I don't think he's willing to be cooperative with me.*}(set: $foundupchuck to false)(set: $boardupchuck to false) [[Leave...->Resort]]

"Trust me. I'm the last person you have to worry about around here." [["Your cooperation is appreciated..."->UptonQA]]

(set: $visitupchuck to true){"I run a tourism firm, what do you think? I'm driving more traffic to stimulate local economies while accomodating the guests to the best of my ability."}(set: $evidence to $evidence + 1) [["Right, 'tourism.' The Sheriff'll want to hear about this..."->UptonQA]]

"I'm doing well, thank you. Is that all?" [["Let me think..."->UptonQA]]

(set: $findlucas to false){"Let me be, Dirk. I belong on the big screen. You really think a youngster like me wants your job?"}(set: $evidence to $evidence + 1) [["That was really convincing, Lucas! I'll see you at the station later..."->GZAlpha]] [["Probably not..."->GZAlpha]]

*I've walked towards the serving area. Alexandria Peabody, twin sister of the proprietor of the establishment, is tending bar. I can't help but notice a disgusted scowl on that mug upon my approach.* "You know an officer of the law shouldn't be (text-style:"expand","sway")[drinking] on the job..." [["I also shouldn't be inhaling formaldehyde from the mortician's supply, but guess what? I'm here, locked and loaded. Let's get a little something off the top shelf. Don't worry, the town treasury's got this round."->RumorsDrink]] [["Save the sass, Ms. Peabody. If I wanted to argue with a stereotype I'd chat up this chimpanzee on the typewriter next to me. Any rumors of terrorism... I mean, is the tourism doing good for business?"->RumorsPub]] { (if: $boardfloyd)[[["I'm looking for a man that goes by the name of 'Floyd,' your stink eye catch a look at him today?"->RumorsFloyd]]] (else:)[???] } [["I guess you're right..."->Pub]]

(set: $visitfloyd to true){"Al'er terist be inda beeg move, budey hef no tall lint." *Floyd releases a deep hiccup, feigned of course. Never have I witnessed such a master of deception. I extend a 'Bonehead olive branch,' a round on me.* (text-style:"expand","sway")["Terism wil enduh iff eyy gettinto move eyy, eye tink soo!"] *Floyd's subtle communication cues were difficult to decipher. As soon as I made sense of it, I knew that the Sheriff had to hear about this.*}(set: $rumorfloyd to false)(set: $evidence to $evidence + 1) [["Trust me sir, this intel is safe and secure with me..."->Pub]]

(set: $floydbooze to true){*Ms. Peabody serves me a pint of chocolate milk. I chug and chug, and I feel like (text-style:"expand","sway")[the biggest boy in town]. I sneak out with a few more cartons.*} [["All done..."->PubBar]]

(set: $evidence to $evidence + 1){"That eccentric, (text-style:"expand","sway")[Mr. Beckmann], has turned my bar into a circus, town's just full of animals." *A chimpanzee proceeds to do a handstand on the counter as a group of birds bob their heads into open glasses of liquor.*} [["I can see that, thanks for the info regardless..."->PubBar]]

(set: $rumorfloyd to true){*Alexander Peabody steps out from the back, his skin percolating with grease. He intrudes on the conversation to support his sister, as if my questioning were some curse against his bloodline.* "If you're referrin' to that (text-style:"expand","sway")[MR. FLOYD] which is guzzling booze in the corner over there, he's here constantly. He's our number-one customer. Now climb back into your li'l ceramic bank and leave the law outta our hair..."}(set: $boardfloyd to false) [["Fair enough..."->Pub]]

*Mr. Floyd is slobbering all over himself in a booth in the back of the establishment. Mountains of hollow glass have accumulated within the vicinity. This is the best cover I have ever seen. He's definitely with the feds.* "No drinky? No tok, (text-style:"expand","sway")[ass-offer]!" *I reflected for a moment, recognizing how unprepared I was. He's constructed an elaborate persona, and I was not blending into the scene whatsoever. I had to acquire a refreshment to loosen his iron grasp on that sensitive info.* { (if: $floydbooze)[[["Yes, I've brought the big boy drinks!"->PubFloydQA]]] (else:)[???] } [["I'll have to get back to you, sir..."->Pub]]

*Thankfully, there was no line when I walked in. I stood in front of the big man himself, 'Joey No-Tail' was what everyone called him. He swore by it too. "Name's Joey, and I don't have no damn tail. Wasn't born with one, never had one for Christ's sake. If you've got a coupon or discount, it better be legit. Now, did'ya come here to harass me or purchase some of Doink's (text-style:"expand","sway")[veggie treats]?" [["Are all of these donuts actually vegan, or are they edible?"->DonutsInfo]] { (if: $freebreakfast) [[["I'd like to claim one free 'April Tuesday' breakfast!"->DonutsBribe]]] (else:) [???] } [["Actually, I'm good..."->Donuts]]

(set: $bribeupton to true){*Joey slides open the glass display and retrieves a handful of donuts and pastries. He shoves them into a paper bag. He places it on the counter along with a plastic tray labeled 'bean omelette.'* "Enjoy, officer!"}(set: $freebreakfast to false) [["Bean omelette, huh? I'll have to try it..."->Donuts]]

(set: $foundhammer to true){*I rummage through the two top drawers. I find a hammer!*} [["Nice..."->Towers]]

*I take a moment to enjoy the wheeled leather chair. I rest my eyes then ponder the work that I could be completing in this moment of lost attention. I had previously removed the scarecrow from his seat, but it felt rude to leave him on the floor upon my leave.* { (if: $freebreakfast is false)[[[Pat the scarecrow on the back...->DeskPuppet]]] (else:)[???] } [[Step away...->TowersDesk]]

(set: $freebreakfast to true){*The scarecrow spontaneously animates itself, his eyes flickering open and his breath repelling the thick tobacco clouds billowing through the entryway.* "Why thank you, officer! God bless you, and remember to go to Doink's for a free 'April Tuesday' breakfast!" *The animatronic awaits my response*} [["Wow! I'll be taking advantage of that, pal..."->Towers]]

"Yes, it's all vegan, and if you're too good for that go bother someone else with a care for your standards. Maybe someone with a tail, perhaps! Our business caters to a premium audience, one that shys away from such '(text-style:"expand","sway")[base delights]' like 'pro-tyne' and 'dare-eye.' Move up and on with the rest of us, or just get used to it! I'm making bank here!" [["Right..."->DonutsBuy]]

(set: $findnuclear to false){*I search the area, attuning my senses with the radioactive energies within a 12-mile radius. Priming all of my premonition abilities to maximum levels, I've locked onto it... One of Larry's samples of depleted uranium, I'm definitely confiscating this. Just for myself, though.*}(set: $foundnuclear to true) [[Leave...->BoneheadWilderness]]

*I travel the treacherous paths beyond the unguarded gate. Obscured by an abandoned trailer seems to be an underground silo of some kind. I wonder why I have taken the time to trek through here, especially if I don't investigate further.* { (if: $foundnuclear)[[[Enter the restricted area...->BetaArea]]] (else:)[[[Leave...->BoneheadResidential]]] }

*I continue, reluctantly, to meet a remarkable discovery with my dignity in hand. That is, an immaculate sample of uranium-235. At the threshold of the silo is a grizzled, portly man. He's sweeping, headphones on. He has not noticed my intrusion, yet.* [[Shoot him...->RalphTragic]] [[Greet him...->RalphWelcome]]

*I pull the trigger, and a crackle echoes across the desolate wastes.* "But I'm (text-style:"expand","sway")[Ralph], I was just the janitor..." *I gaze towards this elegant man as he pivots in a circle, delicately falling to his knees. The merciful heavens extract the ghost from his paling skin. As I sealed his destiny, I found myself shackled to path where I could never return from.* [["Huh..."->SiloNuke]]

*The stranger scratches his head and removes the headphones from his bald, bronzed scalp.* "Oh, hello. The name's (text-style:"expand","sway")[Ralph], I'm just the janitor around here. Not sure if you should be here, go ahead anyways... I guess?" [["Thanks..."->SiloNuke]]

*I insert the sample into the chamber. Green light. The facility awakens. A convenient red button is just waiting for my confirmation. Security oversight, I guess? I push it, with sirens and lights to render us all unto a new world. This was justice, I think. Why did I even come here? I was unsure at the time and I still am. This was the dream which made me quit drinking too much chocolate milk after midnight... THE END.* [[...->TitleCredits]]

*I slide down a corroded ladder. This facility's on autopilot. Everything seems uncertain. Reality warps out-of-focus... Yes, the deactivated warhead. This sample is all it needs to fuel it. Should I fuel it? I must fuel it.* [[Fuel it...->EndingNuclear]]

*I consider my next move at the threshold of the resort's (text-style:"expand","sway")[SUITE LEVELS]. Chandelier's hanging in every hall, hooked to the ceiling like ornaments on a vase of flowers. I'm sure if I'd thought about it a bit more, perhaps I could have come up with a more apt simile.* [[Socialize...->ResortRumors]] { (if: $foundupchuck)[[[To Upton's room...->ResortUpton]]] (else:)[???] } [[Leave...->Resort]]

*There's clusters of well-dressed Hollywood elites cavorting about. Twirling their drinks, doors opening and closing as each suit eagerly visits one another. While I stagnated at kindergarten, they stagnated a bit later. Probably college. I thought that both were equally pathetic, in retrospect. At least I'm a big boy.* [["Anyone know where I can find Charles Upton?"->RumorsUpton]] [["Where can a lawman find a sip of chocolate milk 'round here?"->RumorsMilk]] [[Leave...->ResortSuites]]

(set: $uptontip to true){*A woman steps out of the crowd to address my inquiry.* "Upton? That fellow could be anywhere, at this time of the day he's usually locked himself in with a basket from (text-style:"expand","sway")[DOINK'S], our favorite vegan donut shop in the southwest! He'll dispatch his dogs on us if we send you up to interrupt him, though. His clients are at 'Site Alpha' for that //Goldilocks Zone// production, but they might let you in on his whereabouts for a favor or two."} [["Alright..."->ResortRumors]]

*I take command of the elevator, brandishing my badge for all residents to see.* "Step aside, police business!" *After they've all evacuated the scene, I started my ascension through the glass tube. Bonehead would be fully visible from up here, if only this lift were constructed on the opposite side of the building. Instead, my view is the set for that movie they're filming over in the wilderness. After a brief moment had passed, a shrill ring welcomes me to my destination.* [[Continue...->ResortSuites]]

*I am ignored.* [["Hmmm..."->ResortRumors]]

*I approach the costumed group, but they're all on the ground in a range of contorted positions. If I were to guess, they should be practicing their roles as extras in this film. At worst, I've just discovered a (text-style:"expand","sway")[lifeless pile of discarded clowns].* [["Any of you know Upton?"->ClientsUpton]] [[Leave...->GZAlpha]]

*Tourists are swarming the perimeter of the set, charging the barrier. Afterwards, I see some convulsing on the ground. Electric fences, learning the hard way.* [[Leave...->GZAlpha]]

"Come back with a bag of (text-style:"expand","sway")[DOINK'S], we're not talking otherwise. Now stop interrupting us, we're practicing!" { (if: $bribeupton)[[["Well, here it is..."->ClientsBribe]]] (else:)[[["Excuse me, but I'm not spending this town's money on that trash. One of you give me a coupon, and I'll pick some up!"->ClientsInfo]]] } [[Leave...->GZAlpha]]

(set: $uptontip to false){*One of the clowns confiscates the bag from my hands. It was here that my dignity hit rock bottom. Another wrote Upton's room number on a napkin, I can only hope that all of this trouble was worth it.*}(set: $foundupchuck to true) [[Leave...->GZAlpha]]

"Oh, I know where you can get a premium, promotional deal! There's an animatronic somewhere, you should find it in the dingy apartments so many of you 'Boneheads' seem to infest. The thing resembles, uh... vagrant, of course. Doink's official mascot! Only logical, right? It should spit out a good deal for you, just push its buttons a few times!" *The dead clowns laugh as if they've made me look ridiculous.* [["I'll head over right away..."->GZAlpha]]

(text-colour:blue)[(text-style:"expand","sway")[BONEHEAD BLUES: Pilot Episode]] An OOBEYE MASTERMINDS Game Written/Developed by Kalin R. Hanninen, 2021 [[Begin...->IntroExposition]]