i wore that jacket til i died

i wore that jacket til i died by [[ghostwrassler]] [[wear the jacket]] { (print: "<script>$('html').removeClass(\)</script>") (if: (passage:)'s tags's length > 0)[ (print: "<script>$('html').addClass('" + (passage:)'s tags.join(' ') + "'\)</script>") ] }

clarityorb.tumblr.com ghostwrassler.tumblr.com a short autobiographical thing about an experience i had during the summer of 2015, and for many years before.. youre stuck in my heart forever, friend [[back->start]]

an apartment complex. [[....]]

an apartment complex. it's sunny out. maybe. haven't been outside [[properly]] in days. fan swirls, blinds hang still, quiet. [[type]]

dog still has to go out. can't be left to run in the yard because there isn't one. she's so excited whenever we leave together, weird-shaped little thing running circles and circles and circles. we're never out there long. [[back->....]]

nowhere to go. nothing to do. nothing all around. in fact, the only thing close enough to walk to is a crematorium. sounds nice. cat purrs. dog naps. i type. [[tippa tappa tippa tap]]

messengers are the greatest invention of man. without them i'd have no one. no conversations, no interaction.. boy and cat and dog. [[well, except for her]]

it's weird still sometimes to call her mom when it's not to her face. which is probably weirder still considering she raised me. but i'm home for the summer and there's nowhere to go and for the 20 minutes i see her a day, she's the only human i talk to face to face. otherwise it's playing housekeeper. [[speak of the devil and (s)he will come]]

she's not so bad. she comes home to the tiny apartment with chores to be done. [[the worst]]

she's not so bad. she comes home to the tiny apartment with chores to be done. cleaning out the boxes in the garage (which is some ways across the apartment complex). these two little rooms won't hold everything. mattress on the floor and a suitcase for a dresser is testament enough.. [[go outside]]

outside, without a dog this time. [[go to the garage]]

outside, without a dog this time. a minute's steps or so to the garage. [[get to work]]

'mom' joins. "The ones in the back are yours......close the flaps in fours like...." [[....->g1]]

'mom' joins. "....sold the washing machine to a young........her daughter is pretty stuck....." [[....->g2]]

"Okay, finish up out here. And--don't take forever about it." 'mom' leaves. [[boxes boxes boxes]]

there aren't actually that many boxes. but it takes time to sift through old things and decide what to discard and what to keep. [[something green]]

green fabric is resting just inside this box. very conspicious. [[big lump]]

a green jacket, wrapped around a lump. [[unwrap]]

porcelain draft horse. where did this come from.. oh. aunt. right. something like that. [[THE jacket]]

lift the jacket and shake it out. patches on the back and shoulders and even one on the front velcro strip. countries. places. military insignias. a pin from a train. [[pockets]]

four pockets. two zippered at breast level, two button-closed at waist level. the jacket's heavy because they're all full. [[pens and pens and pens]]

breast level pockets are full of pens. so very full. an aspiring artist.. nice to keep everything handy. it helped because you wore this jacket [[every day]].

(text-style: "blurrier")[you're probably 13 and you're definitely wearing this jacket.] [[....->flash1]]

you're probably 13 and you're definitely wearing this jacket. who needs direction? all you've got are your own mind, your resilient friends, and a host of underlying problems you haven't yet learned to sense, never mind putting a name to. [[....->flash2]]

you got a letter today. maybe one of those friends is less resilient than anticipated. the messenger themself. they dashed off when they gave it to you, head down as they plowed through the people in the hallway. whatever begging you sent after them went unheard or ignored. [[read it]]

it's unclear where or when you read it. blue pen on college rule, lower-case print with a distinctive flair but very legible. doodles towards the end, maybe meant to take the edge off things. [[....->flash4]]

(text-style: "italic")[running water over an open wound won't let it heal. sometimes you just have to pull your arm out from under it.] that means [[retracting your hand->six addendum]], too.

you're six and any jackets you own are nothing to write home about. you haven't realized it yet, but you wouldn't know where 'home' was to write to anyway. that's a problem you won't name til much later. [[you have a friend]]

that's a first, but you're first grade and there's a lot of firsts happening. this one will be unique, though. [[....->jp1]]

you're D. they're A. every morning spent together. 'mom' is busy. always [[busy]].

work work work. move for work. move a whole continent away for work. who moved first? you say goodbye. goodbye to being D. goodbye to having A. [[and then you said hello again]]

you said it years down the line. together again. and now you're holding a [[letter]].

you cry together in someone else's front yard. we'll fix this, we'll fix this. [[but she was an unforeseen obstacle]]

a mistake was made and she went through one of your accounts. how could you be so foolish. your lying couldn't hide it. she'd seen too much and she took what you had and snapped it in two. [[thanks 'mom']]

it ruined them, for a time. [[....->jp2]]

it ruined them, for a time. but people can't be ruined forever. always hope, always.. it made you happy when they began to bounce back. even so, you know her hands are not meant for the delicate. never can she be allowed to touch what you hold dear again. [[....->jp3]]

(she does anyway. the scoremarks she leaves in you are vehemently denied. but they're visible and you know it's true.) [[....->jp4]]

(Text-style: "blurrier")[i know it's true.] [[the jacket->jacket2]]

in the left waist pocket is a rubber duck. small and dirty and wow why was that in there? ribbon. a receipt. old things. i never cleaned these pockets out. [[the right]]

paper. more ribbon. paper. paper. useless useless printed paper. [[college rule]]

notebook paper. [[blue ink]]

folded (for the most part) carefully. two pages, together, with blue ink softened and slightly smeared in a spot or two from age. [[little doodles at the end]]

they really didn't soften the edge. maybe it hurt more. take me seriously. [[....->j5]]

[[....->j6]]

safely back in its pocket. [[where else could it be]]

button snapped shut, jacket folded up, stowed gently among the other things. [[contained safely in the fabric]]

a soft, worn, green barrier between the words and [[me]].

like standing between mirrors. versions of me, in both directions, each a variation on the last. [[in a green jacket]]

there's a point, after years of iterations, where the jacket disappears. [[shed]]

shed like a skin and laid to rest. [[nailed in a coffin]]

i'm on a quest to destroy great chunks of my past. it's not healthy. [[dumped six feet under]]

buried. i never meant to dredge it up again. [[unmarked grave]]

sometimes you change as a person. it's inevitable. it's good. nothing should stay the same forever. [[....->end1]]

sometimes things change for the better. i wish we hadn't changed the way we [[did]].

[[but it's done now.]]

box closed. garage shut. night. it seems tasteless to text you. i always did feel a bit [[selfish]] about those days.

.... i miss you still. my dear friend. [[but you climbed out of your grave]]

it's fantastic to see your steps towards the life you deserve. and to see your hand [[extended to me once more]]..

well, it's all i ever wanted in the end. [[<3]]

i wore that jacket til i died by [[ghostwrassler->gw2]] [[afterthoughts]] [[wear the jacket]]

they say you change friends every 7 years, but that always happens faster when you move every two.. either way, i still have this friend now once more, and so releasing this is a hesitant thing, since i fear you'll know yourself in this text.. it feels selfish. but we'll see. this is very stream of consciousness so i'm sorry if anything felt rambly. but thats how thoughts come out in hypertext. thanks for reading, you're stuck in my heart too <3

(text-style: "blurrier")[you're six.] [[....->retracting your hand]]