It's a cold, rainy evening, and the wind is blowing-
but it won't blow out the desire for love in your heart!
[[ignore it and go to sleep]]
[[grab your telephone and bring up the firewood dating site]]
[[well thats no fun->start]]
<img src= "https://68.media.tumblr.com/cbcf10b53621d421fc19b45f97828ec3/tumblr_ok96iiSNmM1rdtvsco1_540.jpg" width "500" height "500" alt "phone">
you open your firewood app. Lots of profiles, but nothing that catches your eye. A Dr. Orwell, but you don't trust doctors anymore. A Jaqueline, but she lives too far away. A Count Olaf, but you're instantly repulsed at your first glance.
But then!!
[[Lemony Snicket]]
<B>LEMONY SNICKET</B>
IS STILL AT LARGE
reads the profile.
There is a picture of a man with his face hidden in shadow.
[[go on,]]
His profile continues,
"The woman I loved has written me a 200 page book on why she cannot marry me. I do not expect anyone to measure up to my beloved Beatrice, but I would like a distraction, which I am using here to mean "a date that will take my mind off of my grief and my guilt".
If you are interested, after we text for a bit, do not press the "I am interested" button, or my enemies will be alerted. Instead, head to your nearest bus stop. There will be a man reading a newspaper and wearing a gray hat. Ask him for a glass of milk. If he responds with "yes, it is cloudy today", he is my associate, and will pass you an envelope containing the date and time of our meeting. If he is not there, or does not respond with that,
Run.
[[text him "is this some kind of sexy spy roleplay?"]]
[[spell out "I am interested" with your phone]]
"Absolutely not." he replies. "I'm simply a sad man looking for a vivacious, flirtatious darling to take my mind off my woes."
"well, you've found the person of your dreams" you text back.
"I hope not. I have mostly nightmares, these days. As I'm sure you know, nightmares are unpleasant dreams, full of people like second grade gym teachers and unfriendly corn farmers that you would much rather avoid."
[[OHHHHH I CANT NOT F*CK HIM ariel comic image->omg]]
Your phone buzzes. You pick it up.
"What have you done?" says someone on the other end of the phone. "You've put us all in a dangerous situation!"
He hangs up, and it's sad, because his voice was pretty nice.
[[start over->start]]
You head immediately to your nearest bookstore, complete that whole arrangement, and will soon be meeting Mr. Snicket at the
<b>CATASTROPHE CAFE</b>
[[go into a telegram store]]
You see an attractive man with his face entrely hidden by a plastic potted plant. He's sitting in the last booth, all the way in the back. It's GOT to be him!
You join him. He points to a waiter.
"It's dramatic irony, you see? The veal marsala is poisoned."
[[whoa!]]
You order two teas, a chocolate brownie for him, and (your favorite food, idk) for you.
"Some things in life are sweet, like this brownie." he says. "Other things are bittersweet, like dark chocolate, or when my true love, Beatrice, smiled at me for the first time. Sweet, because she was an amazing woman. Bitter, because we were not meant to be."
[[doesnt this guy know not to talk about an ex on the first date]]
It's been an hour. He's crying now. He's still hidden behind that plant.
"Would you.....like to maybe head home? To my place?" you ask.
He sighs.
"I understand that things are not moving as quickly as you would like, a phrase which here does not mean that you'd like us to run a race, but instead means that you were expecting some Very Fine Dick and all I am offering you is tales of tears and woe, and I am sorry."
"No," you say, "I'm sorry for making you come all the way here on this very frigid day."
He looks up at you, surprised. did you just speak in code or something? whats going on.
[[a firm handshake. he has good hands]]
you thank each other, and then you kiss him. It's sad, but comforting. You feel like you've lifted his tragedy a little.
when you return home, your phone has exploded. It would've burned down your whole house, and the official fire department never wouldve caught it, but fortunately a neighbored smelled smoke and volunteered to pour water on it before it was too late.
anyway youre even lonelier now. good going.
THE END
you pay to send a telegram: "HELLO UBER STOP IN NEED OF TRAVEL STOP"
your uber arrives shortly, and you can head to the cafe.
[[head in]]