January 2017

Its not like "oh my GOD I've GOTTA go back" all the time. And yet, every time it comes up again, I like, fall right back into it. I just love it, but not in the way you might love some things where you're like, just submerging yourself in it until you're sick of it and stop going back. [[So, basically, it's not a fad? | Cris:Japan2]]

Yeah, yeah, it's in some ways a more... real? Kind of love. [[I... I think I can understand that feeling...|Alex:NY1]]

You know, it's entirely possible that 100% of the sadness you feel right now is a result of your refusal to engage in any capacity with the world you in some way chose to inhabit. [[But even knowing that, what I'm feeling now is all I have, right?|Alex:NY2]]

I just wish things were more simple... [[Maybe things are...|Aidan:wuv1]]

... [[hehe|Aidan:wuv2]]

Wuvu grl! [[^_^| Mom:NY1]]

So was it normal? [[Normal how?|Mom:NY2]]

Like, was it like "not a day had passed" when you saw them? Just back to the way things were? [[...yeah...|Mom:NY3]]

... Well, I mean, did you you have fun? [[Oh absolutely it was great! Yeah, no doubt about that part, I love those guys no matter what.|Dad:SA1]]

Are you serious when you talk about your neurosis? You're not messing with me, right? [[No, no of course not. Well, not this time... I really do think that type of thinking has been the main source of unhappiness for me... | Dad:SA2]]

Well, could you tell me more about it then? [[Uh... yeah... Basically it's just kind of the way I operate... No matter what people say, I keep reading into things as negative, and questioning how they feel about me. It's especially tough when I try to ask people about this kind of thing and they say they don't have an issue with me... I just hate the idea that everyone is being "nice" to me because I don't want to upset anyone I care about. | Dad:SA3]]

What? When have you ever really hurt anyone anyway? [[!? i've hurt you plenty of times, haven't I? | Dad:SA4]]

No, no not at all! I don't really take it that seriously when you say stuff like that to me. [[Oh... That kind of thing is sorta hard for people without kids to understand I think... In any case, it's not just hurting people's feelings, it's also just like, trying to tell if people like me, or are annoyed by me or whatever. Like if I see someone, and I want to say hi, for example, I always imagine they're like, "oh GOSH, how IRRITATING". | Dad:SA5]]

But that's like, a social norm! Even if someone is bothered by that, its kinda on them, since its bascically just expected for people to go "oh hey! how're you?" or whatever. [[Well, most of these fears aren't really based in what I think is realistic for most people... In all honesty, I think the reason I feel this way about human interaction is mostly because I feel this way myself! Like, a lot of the time i see people i know around, even people I like, I'll just be thinking "oh gosh, how annoying, I hope they don't see me", just because I don't wanna deal with it... | Dad:SA6]]

I think the important thing is just to do what you want. Be yourself and don't worry about what other people think. I mean, you're a good guy; you're like, cool! I mean if what you're worried about is people saying they like you (which by the way, isn't something you should ask if you want a real answer anyway), chances are a lot of them mean it. At least, all the concrete evidence would say so. [[Yeah! I mean, the people that actually get to know me generally seem to like me, it's just... getting to that point is hard... | Alex:Allison1]]

...I noticed you going through the notebook she made tonight... [[Yeah... I still get sentimental about her all the time. The way we ended things... the way I ended things... I held her dusty old bandana tight to my chest for some reason...|Alex:Allison2]]

You wish it still smelled like her, don't you? [[Yeah, now it just gets me coughing... It really is sad... I would love so much to smell her hair again... And as I got to the end of the book and saw her signature, and it occured to me that now would be our 2 year anniversary...|Alex:Allison3]]

And...? [[And?|Alex:Allison4]]

You realized you forgot her last name. [[Even so, I loved Allison...]] [[No! It was Durkin.]]

What does it matter anyway when she's cut you out of her life? [[I don't know...|Alex:Allison5]]

No matter how you feel about it, not matter what you did, you realize using her actual name in something like this is pretty sick, right? [[Who cares.|Cris:Dad1]]

My dad once told me, "never let insecurity get in the way of doing the right thing." [[Your dad once again proves himself to be the coolest guy.|Alex:Allison6]]

I breifly smelled something that smelled just like her today... And I remembered that I had forgotten her smell until then... [[That.. Makes me just a little sad.|Alex:College1]]

I'm sorry. It's been weeks and nothing of interest has happened to me that didn't involve art. [[That's the life of a college student...At least, a dedicated one.|Alex:College2]]

More like an isolated one. [[Y'know, it's times like these i wonder if i'd be beter off just dropping out and going to be with her.|Alex:College3]]

And who's to say she'd want that? [[Yeah, yeah, whatever. These internal monologues aren't doing me any good, that's for sure.|Take Care of Yourself.]]

Take Care of Yourself. ~Suoly

the following are the collected thoughts crossed by myself and my companions during the month of January 2017. [[Please take it at face value.|Cris:Japan1]]

Are you even that upset about it anymore? [[The nature of the feelings have changed, it's... just not that simple anymore...|Alex:Allison5]]