Cosmic Debt

<h3>Karmic Loan</h3> You find yourself at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. To be more precise, you had already found yourself a few days earlier. You had taken a gap year to backpack across Europe with the hope of finding your purpose in life, and you did. One night, spent in the hayloft of a hospitable Italian farmer, you couldn't sleep. You climbed out onto the roof, looked up at the stars, and it came to you in a rush of inspiration: [ [The cure for baldness.]<goal1| [The melody and lyrics for a song that would inspire the world.]<goal2| [An effective strategy for peace in the Middle East.]<goal3|]<goalChoice| (click: ?goal1)[(replace: ?goalChoice)[(set: $goalChoice to "baldness")the cure for baldness. That would be your calling in life. In a few days you would board a plane, fly home, and make it happen. But for now you just want a souvenir. Around you, hundreds of tourists mime holding up the leaning tower as their friends snap pictures. You will not be so unoriginal. [You climb a nearby fort wall.]<fortWall| (click: ?fortWall)[Up this high, with your left knee bent and right elbow crooked to the side, you take a selfie that looks like you are leaning on the leaning tower. It's genius. A strong gust of wind upsets your balance. You topple over the wall and into the busy two-way traffic of the Via Contessa Matilde. You see a light. [[White Light<-Go into the light.]]]]] (click: ?goal2)[(replace: ?goalChoice)[(set: $goalChoice to "music")the melody and lyrics for a song that would inspire the world. That would be your calling in life. In a few days you would board a plane, fly home, and make it happen. But for now you just want a souvenir. Around you, hundreds of tourists mime holding up the leaning tower as their friends snap pictures. You will not be so unoriginal. [You climb a nearby fort wall.]<fortWall| (click: ?fortWall)[Up this high, with your left knee bent and right elbow crooked to the side, you take a selfie that looks like you are leaning on the leaning tower. It's genius. A strong gust of wind upsets your balance. You topple over the wall and into the busy two-way traffic of the Via Contessa Matilde. You see a light. [[White Light<-Go into the light.]]]]] (click: ?goal3)[(replace: ?goalChoice)[(set: $goalChoice to "peace")an effective strategy for peace in the Middle East. That would be your calling in life. In a few days you would board a plane, fly home, and make it happen. But for now you just want a souvenir. Around you, hundreds of tourists mime holding up the leaning tower as their friends snap pictures. You will not be so unoriginal. [You climb a nearby fort wall.]<fortWall| (click: ?fortWall)[Up this high, with your left knee bent and right elbow crooked to the side, you take a selfie that looks like you are leaning on the leaning tower. It's genius. A strong gust of wind upsets your balance. You topple over the wall and into the busy two-way traffic of the Via Contessa Matilde. You see a light. [[White Light<-Go into the light.]]]]]

The light fades, and you find yourself transported to the leather-lined back seat of a taxi. Outside the windows, clouds stream by as the taxi winds up a glistening white road. In the distance you see pearly, white gates. To your dismay, you realize that you are dead. As the cab draws closer to the gates, you see an enormous celebration underway behind them. Crowds bump and sway to music played by the dead rockstars of yore, most of whom you wouldn't imagine ending up in a typical heaven. You had prepared yourself for an eternity of harps and pleasant conversation. Maybe this would be better. Then, you see Patches—your beloved dog who had died while you were away at college—run up to the gate and bark. The cab rolls to a stop. [[You [open the cab door]<cl1| or ]<openText| [[Cab To Hell<-You offer to pay the cabbie]]]<choiceText| (click: ?cl1)[ (replace: ?openText)[You pull on the door handle, but it doesn't open. ]]

You enter a cavernous room filled with people wandering aimlessly around, sleeping on benches and leaning against one of the many grotesque statues. The statues depict demonic figures torturing hapless office workers, and each of them is engraved with the words "Best Customer Service of...", followed by a year. Lines have formed around the edges of the room, where people wait their turn to walk up to one of the countless glass security windows and speak with a bank teller. You hear shouting. An angry customer berates a teller in a language you don't understand. The teller appears bored as he steps away from the window, walks backwards towards an open window, and casually tosses himself out of it into the lake of boiling lava. A moment later, the very same teller falls through the ceiling over his workstation, unburnt. Horror and surprise send the waiting line of people into chaos. [[Teller Window<-The chaos has created an opening at a neighboring window.]]

The teller at the window leans against the side of her workstation, bags under her eyes. Her nametag reads "Gladys." Before you can speak she shushes you, staring back longingly into a breakroom where a coffee machine is almost finished making a pitcher. [Ahem.]<cl3|(click: ?cl3)[ You catch Gladys' attention just as the coffee machine beeps. A winged man with goat horns and a sharp suit appears in the breakroom with a puff of sulphur. He drinks the coffee, winks at Gladys, and disappears. She groans. "It's been 134 years since I've had a cup of coffee," she says. When you ask for money she shakes her head. The currency of this bank is karma. In the afterlife, the wealthiest people are those who either did great good in the world or suffered terribly. Gladys looks up your account. "Hmm... loving parents, no chronic illnesses, literate. That's gonna cost you. Wait, what's this? (if: $goalChoice is "baldness")[You were going to cure baldness!](if: $goalChoice is "music")[You were set to release a song that brought joy to millions!](if: $goalChoice is "peace")[You were set to broker peace in the Middle East!] Oh... but then you fell off a wall instead. So in total you have a karmic debt of four hundred years, three weeks, and a day. Alright, next!" [[Case Worker<-"But wait!"]]]

You plead with Gladys and she sets you up for an appointment with the bank's Karma Acceleration Department. Your case worker welcomes you into a normal office, unique only in that its owner has horns peeking out of his greased-back hair. He speaks. "You look like the kind of person who wants to earn as much Karma as possible as quickly as possible. Well, you have come to the right guy! Let me tell you what I can do for you..." ["Option One]<option1|: I set you up with a terrible job. Boring, numbers all day, working with terrible, rude people, your suffering will be very efficient." ["Option Two]<option2|: do you like helping people? You won't after this job! Imagine providing customer service to clients who just died and now have eternity to complain about it. But hey, there's a breakroom and a nice view of the boiling lake." [["Option Three]<option3|: straight up torture. We cut off your skin, give your organs a good slap, the whole shebang. It's our best value!]<tortureText| (click: ?option3)[(replace: ?tortureText)["Torture is the smart choice! Unfortunately, as it is genuinely the best choice, actually letting you choose it would increase your karmic debt. Sorry, buddy."]] (click: ?option1)[(set: $targetAfterRating to "Accounting Start")(goto:"Demon Rating")] (click: ?option2)[(set: $targetAfterRating to "Teller Start") (goto:"Demon Rating")]

Deep in the underground depths of the bank you begin your work as a karmic accountant. The floor manager points you to your cubicle among an endless sea of them. It is a tight space with a squeaky chair and a computer running an operating system older than your grandparents. A tray next to the computer labeled "FOR PROCESSING" holds a stack of documents taller than you. [ [(if: $coworkerHushed is true)[ [Keep ignoring work]<ignore2|](else:)[ [[Joke Start<-Ignore the paperwork.]]]]<ignorePath| [Fill in random numbers.]<cl2| [Work.]<cl3|]<allChoices|  (click-replace: ?ignore2)[Your computer has solitaire! What luck. [[Ending H, paperwork<-You could play it... for just a little while.]]]  (click: ?cl2)[(replace: ?allChoices)[You submit a spreadsheet filled with random numbers and band names. You save enough time to do a self-satisfied stretch before the floor manager appears at your cubicle, looking grim. [[Head Office<-The CEO wants to see you.]] ]]  (click-replace: ?cl3)[Minutes pass... [Work More]<work2|] (click-replace: ?work2)[ Hours pass... [Keep Working]<work3|] (click-replace: ?work3)[ Days pass... [Put In Some Overtime]<work4|] (click-replace: ?work4)[ Years pass... [[Ending E - work<-"Load sixteen tons, whaddya get?"]]]

Back at the entrance of the bank you are directed through a door to the office behind the tellers' security windows. You see the small break room; Gladys, the teller who had helped you, still gazes longingly at the coffee machine. You recognize another teller stationed at a far away window, a friend you had lost contact with after highschool. Ben was his name. After a brief introduction to your duties and changing into your new uniform, you are assigned to a window. A frazzled new arrival to the afterlife approaches from the front of the line. You can... [Help the person at your window.]<cl1| [[Pyramid Talk<-Catch up with your friend.]] [[Coffee<-Get some coffee.]]  (click-replace: ?cl1)[You help them, and then next person. Minutes pass... [Work More]<work2|] (click-replace: ?work2)[ Hours pass... [Keep Working]<work3|] (click-replace: ?work3)[ Days pass... [Put In Some Overtime]<work4|] (click-replace: ?work4)[ Years pass... [[Ending E - work<-Hi Ho, Hi Ho.]]]

You pick up the phone and find yourself pulled through it, space warping around you, until you are dropped on to a chair at the center of a bright office. Across from you sits a winged lawyer. She apologizes for the lack of a terrible experience you've had. The Central Karmic Bank had recently been the target of a class action lawsuit for increasing their clients' debt by treating them too kindly. After you sign a stack of documents promising you will not pursue a lawsuit, you are awarded a settlement erasing your karmic debt. You walk through the pearly gates and reconnect with friends, family, and Rover. Sometimes you feel guilty about lucking into eternal salvation. "You know," remarks Rover, as you sit together on a hill worthy of a landscape painting, eating chocolate lobsters on a stick. "We try to see balance and order in the universe, but sometimes it just doesn't make sense. You've just got to be grateful for what you have." Rover has a point. **The End** *(2 of 8)*

You pick up the phone and find yourself pulled through it, space warping around you, until you are dropped on to a chair at the center of a bright office. A team of trained angelic comedians quip the life back into you, and leave you sitting across the desk from a winged lawyer. She apologizes for the deplorable working conditions you were placed under. They had intended for you to suffer, but nothing like that, and they want to avoid a lawsuit. In exchange for signing an agreement not to sue, you are awarded a settlement that pays your karmic debt in full. Heaven is wonderful. The comedy is cosmically funny, so funny that to even write one of their jokes down in some form of media that a mortal could see would surely end the world. **The End** *(4 of 8)*

You are escorted to the elevator, which rises quickly with a jolt. Despite your speed of movement, a full hour passes before the ride comes to a stop. The elevator doors open to a luxorious office. You see a crowd of demons following the CEO as he paces behind his desk. Each of them seems to be tasked with adding suffering to a separate part of his routine. One demon tries to trip him, while another bumps him whenever he tries to take a drink. To require so many demons, he must have more karmic debt than anyone else in hell. He still manages to exude an aura of authority. You sit in a tiny chair across from the desk. The CEO's expression shifts from sneering to bright and friendly. He speaks: "You've done some awful, selfish work. I love it! Bad work is what we do at the karma bank. Did you think I called you up here for a punishment? No! A promotion!" He slides an enormous contract across the table, too big to read. You can... [[Ending G, Devil<-Prick your finger and sign the paperwork.]] [[Ending E - work<-Reject the offer and go back to work.]] [[Loan Pitch<-Pivot! Ask for a loan instead.]]

A century passes. Your fingers become so accustomed to typing that, even when exhaustion overwhelms you and you fall to sleep at the keyboard, they keep clicking away. Finally your karmic debt is paid, and you leave the bank with enough to pay the cabbie, who is still waiting outside after all this time. You enter the the pearly gates next to a group of older people and strike up a conversation. Surprised to find that you all share a last name, you realize that you are speaking to your grandnieces and nephews. (if: $goalChoice is "baldness")[You complement them on their strange, beautiful hair, mentioning that you had discovered the cure for baldness but died before you could tell anyone. They shrug and explain that in the future everyone is bald. 3D printing led to a revolution in hairstyles: everyone, rich or poor, wears elaborate, printed wigs.](if: $goalChoice is "music")[You ask them about new albums from your favorite artists, but they don't recognize a single name. They explain that in the future a super-intelligent AI called Pandomnicon has solved music. It recorded the five best possible songs, and that is all that anyone ever listens to.](if: $goalChoice is "peace")[You ask them if the worlds' diplomats have yet been able to create a lasting peace. Not the diplomats, they explain. In the future, engineers at Friendbag—the world's premiere social networking site—created an algorithm that showed cute or funny gifs to users with aggressive tendencies. Within a week of its release all violence had ended.] The heavenly throngs around you throb in contented bliss, but you are furious. You failed to foresee that the noble goal you had held so close to your heart for centuries was pointless, even before your untimely demise. An attending angel hands you a chocolate lobster on a stick as you wonder... What could you have done differently? **The End** *(5 of 8)*

You sign the paperwork in blood. The CEO shrieks with glee, and bounds towards the elevator, stopping to shake your hand on the way out of the office to congratulate you on your new position. You are now the CEO of the Centeral Karmic Bank, having accepted all the responsibilities and assets of the former CEO. That includes his debts. You're the most powerful person in hell, but at the same time the greatest target for suffering. At least you've got job security. The karmic debt you inherited is large enough that you will be working here until the end of time. **The End** *(7 of 8)*

You weave a tale of unfairness and youthful potential being snatched away, (if: $goalChoice is "baldness")[of the foolproof do-it-yourself baldness cure you discovered](if: $goalChoice is "music")[of the beautiful music you would have made for the world](if: $goalChoice is "peace")[of the peace-loving diplomat you intended to be], only to have your chance to give back dashed into the pavement. You ask for a loan that will allow you to pay off your karmic debt and get into heaven. "Pity-baiting tripe!" shouts the CEO. "I would sooner have my liver torn out with a hot poker than give you that loan!" He laughs with the confidence of someone used to a boardroom of yes-men laughing with him. The demons do not laugh; they are busy conferring with each other. They nod as one. Despite the CEO's yowls of protest, you are granted the loan at a 0% interest rate. In the balance, the suffering this will cause the CEO more than makes up for the free pass you're getting. Eternity in Heaven is heavenly. You reunite with Rover and discover that dogs can talk in heaven. He is quite witty for a golden retriever. You wonder sometimes if you will ever have to pay back that loan. You're fairly sure that infinity times zero is still zero, but you were never very good at math. Rover has a post-doctoral degree in math, however, and assures you that you have nothing to worry about. **The End** *(1 of 8)*

{(set: $hasItem1 to false)(set: $hasItem2 to false)(set: $hasItem3 to false)} You enter the break room and see a full coffee pot. Before you can reach it your path is obstructed by a cloud of sulphur. It fades, and you see a demon slurping up the last drops from the coffee pot. A cry of anguish echoes from Gladys' teller window. Besides the coffee machine and a broken refrigerator, the small breakroom contains a [mop]<getMop|, a [bucket]<getBucket|, and a [pack of rubber bands]<getBands|. {(click: ?getMop)[(set: $hasItem1 to true) You pick up the mop. (if: $hasItem1 is true and $hasItem2 is true and $hasItem3 is true)[(replace: ?trapText)[ [[Ending C, Coffee<-Set a devious trap and then make coffee.]] ]]] (click: ?getBucket)[(set: $hasItem2 to true)You take the bucket. (if: $hasItem1 is true and $hasItem2 is true and $hasItem3 is true)[(replace: ?trapText)[ [[Ending C, Coffee<-Set a devious trap and then make coffee.]] ]]] (click: ?getBands)[(set: $hasItem3 to true) You grab the rubber bands. (if: $hasItem1 is true and $hasItem2 is true and $hasItem3 is true)[(replace: ?trapText)[ [[Ending C, Coffee<-Set a devious trap and then make coffee.]] ]]]} [Make some coffee]<makeCoffee| [[Teller Start<-Go back to work]] []<trapText| (click-replace: ?makeCoffee)[(if: $trapSet is true)[(goto: "Ending C, Coffee")] (else:)[You make a delicious pot of coffee. The demon appears and drinks it before you can. Gladys screams in anguish. ]]

You make a delicious pot of coffee. The demon returns, sulphurous clouds wafting off of him, and triggers your trap. Unfortunately you are a terrible engineer, and the trap leaves you upside down with a bucket on your head. The demon compliments you on the suffering you have just inflicted on yourself, and demands that you give him the full credit for it. While he is distracted you see a figure dart behind him and drink the coffee. It is Gladys. She lets out a sigh of relief, the bags under her eyes disappearing. Cheerfully, she returns to her teller window. The demon is not so happy. Having failed at his purpose, he howls and dissolves into ash. You return to your teller window and, out of curiosity, check your karma account. It is paid in full. The good you did for Gladys has erased a hundred years of debt. Heaven is just heavenly. You reunite with Rover, and discover that in Heaven dogs can talk and have opposable thumbs. Together, you decide to take harp lessons. Sure, it's a cliché, but with all eternity to live through you have to find some kind of hobby. **The End** *(3 of 8)*

You become a proud member of the Pyramid Management Club, and your enthusiasm propels you to spread the message to other newly deceased employees. The bonus income you get from the club almost offsets what you pay for membership dues and sponsored merchandise. Weeks of work stretch into years and then centuries. Your debt never seems to go down. Aeons pass, a supernova engulfs the earth, and the last generation of humans comes to Hell to work off their karmic debt. As more and more employees leave, you realize that the only people left at the bank are the ones who were convinced to join the Pyramid Management Club. ...at least the protein bars are still tasty. **The End** *(6 of 8)*

After a week of failed attempts to beat solitaire, you realize that Hell's version is missing all the number 7 cards. Luckily, there are other games on your work computer. The paperwork is stacking up, but you have all eternity to finish it. Just as you get the feeling that the Minesweeper on this computer is intentionally misleading you, your growing tower of paperwork collapses. You find yourself buried under paper, unable to move. Your co-workers in neighboring cubicles must have seen this happen. As days, months, and years pass, you assure yourself that they will notice that you are buried and help. Then again, you don't spend eternity filling out paperwork in Hell because you were selfless in life... **The End** *(8 of 8)*

(if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[You choose Option 1 - Karmic Accounting.](else:)[You choose Option 2 - Teller at the Hell Bank.] "What a terrible choice!" says your case worker. "And by that I mean, congratulations." He winks at you. "I'll leave you to your suffering in just a second, but I humbly request that that you remember how badly I have treated you and rate accordingly." Your case worker disappears in a puff of sulphur, and is replaced by a woman hunched over a clipboard with reading glasses resting on her horns. "How would you rate the service you received, thank you?" [1]<rate1| [2]<rate2| [3]<rate3| [4]<rate4| [5]<rate5| {(click: ?rate1)[(replace: ?rate1)["I give it a 1," you say.](replace: ?rate2)[](replace: ?rate3)[](replace: ?rate4)[](replace: ?rate5)[]The rater smiles, nods, and is gone. (if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[ [[Accounting Start<-Start your new job.]]](if: $targetAfterRating is "Teller Start")[ [[Teller Start<-Start your new job.]]]] (click: ?rate2)[(replace: ?rate1)[](replace: ?rate2)["I give it a 2," you say.](replace: ?rate3)[](replace: ?rate4)[](replace: ?rate5)[]The rater nods, and is gone. (if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[ [[Accounting Start<-Start your new job.]]](if: $targetAfterRating is "Teller Start")[ [[Teller Start<-Start your new job.]]]] (click: ?rate3)[(replace: ?rate1)[](replace: ?rate2)[](replace: ?rate3)["I give it a 3," you say.](replace: ?rate4)[](replace: ?rate5)[]The rater gives you an exasperated look, jots down the number on her clipboard, and is gone. (if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[ [[Accounting Start<-Start your new job.]]](if: $targetAfterRating is "Teller Start")[ [[Teller Start<-Start your new job.]]]] (click: ?rate4)[(replace: ?rate1)[](replace: ?rate2)[](replace: ?rate3)[](replace: ?rate4)["I give it a 4," you say.](replace: ?rate5)[]The rater shakes her head, jots down the number on her clipboard, and is gone. (if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[ [[Accounting Start<-Start your new job.]]](if: $targetAfterRating is "Teller Start")[ [[Teller Start<-Start your new job.]]]] (click: ?rate5)[(replace: ?rate1)[](replace: ?rate2)[](replace: ?rate3)[](replace: ?rate4)[](replace: ?rate5)["I give it a 5," you say, cheerfully.]The rater drops her clipboard in shock. Nervously, she apologizes and assures you that a customer service representative will be here shortly to resolve your concerns. [[Customer Service Demon<-The room starts to shake]]]}

A hole in space appears in the center of the room and jagged claws jut through it, tearing at the edges. A giant, grotesque creature pulls itself through the rift. It crashes down behind the desk, crushing the swivel chair. "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?", it shouts. You reply. The beast roars, the force of the noise stripping splinters off the desk in front of you. "I WILL CALL YOU WORM. KNOW THIS, WORM. THE LEGIONS OF HELL ARE COMMITTED TO YOUR SUFFERING. I GIVE YOU THIS CURSE, THAT EVERY FORTNIGHT AS YOU SLEEP YOU WILL DREAM OF PAIN UNSPEAKABLE. I HOPE THAT THIS ADDRESSES YOUR CONCERNS. PLEASE RATE ACCORDINGLY." [1]<rate1| [2]<rate2| [3]<rate3| [4]<rate4| [5]<rate5| {(click: ?rate1)[(replace: ?rate1)["I give it a 1," you say.](replace: ?rate2)[](replace: ?rate3)[](replace: ?rate4)[](replace: ?rate5)[]The monster smiles with three rows of teeth, nods, and is gone. (if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[ [[Accounting Start<-Start your new job.]]](if: $targetAfterRating is "Teller Start")[ [[Teller Start<-Start your new job.]]]] (click: ?rate2)[(replace: ?rate1)[](replace: ?rate2)["I give it a 2," you say.](replace: ?rate3)[](replace: ?rate4)[](replace: ?rate5)[]The monster nods a couple of its heads, and is gone. (if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[ [[Accounting Start<-Start your new job.]]](if: $targetAfterRating is "Teller Start")[ [[Teller Start<-Start your new job.]]]] (click: ?rate3)[(replace: ?rate1)[](replace: ?rate2)[](replace: ?rate3)["I give it a 3," you say.](replace: ?rate4)[](replace: ?rate5)[]The monster rolls its myriad eyes, and is gone. (if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[ [[Accounting Start<-Start your new job.]]](if: $targetAfterRating is "Teller Start")[ [[Teller Start<-Start your new job.]]]] (click: ?rate4)[(replace: ?rate1)[](replace: ?rate2)[](replace: ?rate3)[](replace: ?rate4)["I give it a 4," you say.](replace: ?rate5)[]The monster shakes most of its head, and is gone. (if: $targetAfterRating is "Accounting Start")[ [[Accounting Start<-Start your new job.]]](if: $targetAfterRating is "Teller Start")[ [[Teller Start<-Start your new job.]]]] (click: ?rate5)[(replace: ?rate1)[](replace: ?rate2)[](replace: ?rate3)[](replace: ?rate4)[](replace: ?rate5)["I give it a 5," you say, cheerfully.]"I AM UNMADE!" shouts the demon as it decomposes into ash. [[Ending B, Ratings<-The phone on the desk rings.]]]}

[Bob begins to tell his jokes. "Okay... How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?" He continues, "Eight! Wait... that's not right." [Bob wants to tell another joke.]<joke1| ]<jokeText| [You throw a stapler at him before he can continue.]<nojoke2| (click: ?nojoke2)[ (set: $coworkerHushed to "true") (goto: "Accounting Start") ] (click: ?joke1)[(replace: ?jokeText)["This one is better," says Bob. "How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?" "Tentacles!" he says with glee, then pauses. "No... I've confused myself again." [Bob is sure this next one will be funny.]<joke2|]] (click: ?joke2)[(replace: ?jokeText)["A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are golfing." Bob continues, "The priest says... uh... he say 'Knock Knock'... and then something about lightning." [Bob wants to try again.]<joke3|] ] (click: ?joke3)[(replace: ?jokeText)[Bob tries the joke again: "A priest, a rabbi, and a rastafarian are golfing with a banana." "The priest says, 'aren't you glad I didn't say banana?'" You wonder how many more of these you can listen to. [Bob still wants to tell another joke.]<joke4|] ] (click: ?joke4)[ (replace: ?jokeText)["A horse walks into a bar," says Bob. "The bartender says, 'Hey! We don't allow your kind in here.'" Bob pauses, excited to deliver the punchline. "The horse has a long face!" These jokes are taking a toll on your sanity. [Bob can't get enough.]<joke5| ]] (click: ?joke5)[(replace: ?jokeText)["What is black and white and read all over?" Bob stops, confused. "Wait... but newspapers are in color now. That one doesn't make sense." You have developed a headache. [Bob wants to tell one more.]<joke6|] ] (click: ?joke6)[(replace: ?jokeText)["How many blondes does it take to join the CIA?" "They kill their husbands!" shouts Bob, breaking down in laughter. "Because the gun isn't loaded." The headache has become a migraine. ["You're a great listener," says Bob.]<joke7|] ] (click: ?joke7)[(replace: ?jokeText)["What do you call a fly without wings?" asks Bob. He hesitates. "Oh, dear... I know it's a pun of some kind. A glide? Yes. A glide." Your vision gets blurry. How much longer can you survive this? [Bob has another joke.]<joke8|] ] (click: ?joke8)[(replace: ?jokeText)["What did the apple say to the worm?" asks Bob. He continues, "Why the long face?" Can you even die in Hell? Would it be better than this? [Bob is out of jokes. Just kidding.]<joke9|] ] (click: ?joke9)[(replace: ?jokeText)["Knock Knock," says Bob. "Who's there?" you stammer out. "Boo," he answers. You try to respond, but your brain can't get the message to your vocal cords. Your nervous system is shutting down. Bob finishes for you. "You say 'Boo, who?' and then I make fun of you for being a ghost..." ["...at least I think that's how it goes."]<joke10|] ] (click: ?joke10)[(replace: ?jokeText)[The jokes have won. You have lost the will to after-live. The light fades from your eyes... "Why did the chicken get to the other side?" asks Bob. The telephone at your desk rings, and you [[Ending D - Laugh<-muster your last ounce of strength to answer.]]](replace: ?nojoke2)[] ]

His name was Brad, not Ben, and he is happy to catch up with you over a break. You remember him as a bit of a health nut. He had taken that to an unfortunate extreme after high school and died of a vitamin B12 overdose. Brad explains something that a friend of his keyed him in on: a secret to surviving and thriving in the afterlife. It revolves around a management club invented a millenia ago by an egyptian pharoah. You pay a karma fee to join, along with recurring membership dues every month. This gives you the power to invite others to join the club, and—here's the kicker—you get a cut of their membership fee and the fees of everyone they invite. It's the fast road to karmic prosperity Also you can get discounts on protein bars. So... how about it? [ [[Ending F, pyramid<-"Sure, I'm in," you say.]] Or perhaps instead... ["Thanks, but that sounds like a pyramid scheme."]<friend2| ]<choiceText| { (click: ?friend2)[Brad takes your rejection graciously. These kind of opportunities aren't for everybody. You return to your teller window to work, happy to have rekindled an old friendship. You are interrupted by five demonic security guards who pull you away from your teller window. Apparently someone reported you for embezzlement. As you are escorted out of the office, you see Brad. His eyes narrow and he shakes his head. [[Head Office<-To the CEO’s Office]]. (replace: ?choiceText)[] ]}

You poke your driver's shoulder and find it hard as bone. The cabbie turns its head... The dead eyes of a skull stare back at you. You had been too surpised by all the new sights around to notice that your cabbie was a skeleton. You search your pockets and find them bare. In the black depths of the grim cabbie's eyes you see something roll, and the cab starts up again. You drive away from the pearly gates, the road sloping downwards. In the distance you see a sprawling city silhoutted in the red reflection of a sunset. The cab drives between the first set of skyscrapers, and you realize what appeared to be a sunset was actually a boiling lake of lava. The buildings around you get taller and taller until you pull to a stop in front of the tallest of them all. Gold-lettering over giant double doors reads "Central Karmic Bank." The cabbie points a skeletal finger towards the bank. [[Bank Intro<-Enter the Bank]]

A balding head peaks over the next cubicle wall. Its face smiles eagerly. "Hey, new person. I'm Bob. Do you want to hear some jokes? I have some real ticklers!" [[Joke Time<-"Yes, I would,"]] you say. Or perhaps... [Throw office supplies at him until he leaves.]<nojoke| (click: ?nojoke)[ (set: $coworkerHushed to true) (goto: "Accounting Start") ]

He laughs. "I spent my whole mortal life giving out loans. Listening to single mother ask for grocery money before her next paycheck, then having her dragged out of the bank by security guards... Ah, the memories. So, sell me on the loan. What is it for?" [ [[Ending A, loan<-You give a heartwarming pitch.]] Or [You give a cruel pitch.]<cruelpitch|]<pitches| (click: ?cruelpitch)[(replace:?pitches)[You give a cruel pitch. You want funding to create an aqueduct to direct a river of lava through the bank with no regard for safety. "I like it! Devious!" the CEO shouts. "We'll throw that in as a signing bonus for your promotion." [[Ending G, Devil<-Prick your finger and sign the paperwork.]] [[Ending E - work<-Reject the offer and go back to work.]] ]]