The Dan Spizuco Show

[The day is May 14, 2038. You are a humble civilian watching TV at night. You turn on the NBC-Disney-Arby's channel.] //Welcome to the Dan Spizuco Show! (talk show intro theme with a famous wisecracking bandleader and a brass section) The show has many guests, a musical performance, and even a sidekick who does...something! He's great!// [[Opening Monologue]] (Game made by Dan Spizuco, with help from Flowers and Vomit)

"Hey howdy hello I'm Dan Spizuco, and boy golly gee did I have a rough morning! I rolled out of bed and fell through every floor of my house!" (link-reveal:"(audience laughter) ") ["So Burger King has this new burger, they're calling it the Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Burger. I think it's made of bison meat with buffalo sauce, maybe there's lettuce and tomato too, I can't quite remember." (link-reveal:"(audience roars in laughter) ") ["I think I killed a guy. Just, fuckin', shot him right between the eyes. I'm a monster." (audience chokes on laughter) [[Sidekick]] ]]

"You know, Dan, famous people don't get punished for murder," Andy Richter chimes in; he learned this the easy way after killing Conan. He had it coming after the Adam Driver live cloning incident. Legend has it they're still looking for the other one. "Good point, Andy. Hey America, I'm freeeeee!" (audience cheers, roars in applause, an eagle screams in the distance) "Well enough chit-chat, this and that, I'd like to welcome our first guest: [[Nick Offerman]] [[Bryce Dallas Howard]] [[George Harrison]]"

(house band plays funky jazz rock thing, bandleader smirks at the camera before playing the lick 12 times; the drummer blast beats so hard he shits his pants) "Welcome to the show, Nick Offerman! Or should I say," (vomits salad dressing under the desk) "sorry, salad dressing gives me the runs." "Daniel, that's not what the runs are. You're being unprofessional right now, I was told this would be good for my comeback." (audience oooooohs and aaaaaahs) "Of course, your comeback, how could we forget! After years of dormancy, you have finally returned to TV screens across America in your new show: [[Cranberry Milkshakes]] [[Tools for Fools]] [[Pork and Recreation]]"

(music stops abruptly, bassist turns on fuzz pedal and shreds for an hour and an half) "Welcome to the show, Bryce Dallas Howard! How are the kids these days?" "Wow, this set looks a lot better than the last time I was on!" "Bryce, how are the kids?" "I like your tie, Dan, it's funky!" (text-style:"rumble")["ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, HOW ARE THE GODDAMN KIDS, I SWEAR TO GOD"] (audience hushes) "They're fine, they do kid stuff, like basketball and sandwiches." (audience nervously chuckles) "So, I hear you have a new movie coming out: [[Jurassic Universe]] [[Hollow Knight: The Movie]] [[The Bryce Dallas Howard Experience]]"

(house band plays "Layla" by Derek and the Dominos) George Harrison trips over his shoelace, and does a flip directly into his chair. The audience is stunned. "Damn George, and I thought you were in The Beatles, not The Rolling Stones!" (audience laughs) "You always were a joker, Daniel. Nice tie." George Harrison of The Beatles scratches his beard. "Thanks George Harrison of The Beatles, just wanted to say I love your new album! So many classics, like: [[Love Comes From Within]] [[The Road Half as Long]] [[Yellow Submarine 3]]"

"So Nick, what is Cranberry Milkshakes about? What even is a cranberry milkshake?" "Allow me to demonstrate. May I have a member of the audience?" Nick picks out a rather eager middle-aged woman from the third row, right side of the studio. She comes to the front of the stage, excited to learn what a cranberry milkshake is. Nick twists her head open like a jar, and eats her brain out of her skull. He seems to enjoy it. "Nick Offerman, I don't see how that is a cranberry milkshake. Her brain is clearly solid." "Well yeah, but that's not quite a cranberry milkshake. ''This'' is." Nick Offerman spits the woman's brain out like a fountain, directly into Andy Richter's mouth. Andy seems to enjoy it. The audience applauds. "So Cranberry Milkshakes is a horror show?" "No, it's a coming-of-age comedy. I play the protagonist's grandfather. It's very touching." [[Cranberry Milkshakes continued]]

"I'm glad you asked, Daniel. Tools for Fools is my new instructional show about proper tool use and management. Do you know how many hammers are misplaced by people every year?" "I'd say a lot." "YOU FOOL!" Nick Offerman slams his mug on the floor, breaking the floor tile. He stands up and breathes heavily like an angry bull. After a few minutes, he sits down. "It's too much, even more than a lot! How could you lowball it so hard like that? Come on, Daniel, you're killing my career like you killed-" "WOAH woah woah there Nick, let's not drag other people's skeletons out of their closets." "Daniel, it's not a skeleton if you're proud of it. You have a button on your jacket that says //I SURE AM GLAD I KILLED//-" "Nick Offerman, please kindly shut your trap. If anything, this accusatory behavior is digging you deep into a hole in the floor." Nick Offerman gets up, annoyed, and falls through the hole he made in the floor. There's a loud crashing sound, followed by a weird animal yell. Dan gets up to investigate. [[Dan climbs through the hole.]]

"Nick Offerman, I loved your character in Parks and Recreation, Don Simpson or something like that." "Daniel, I am going to break all of your legs. I was happily retired but NBC-Disney-Arby's wanted me to come back for a meat-themed remake of Parks and Recreation. I'm the only returning cast member because I have no soul and life is a draining bathtub." "Hahaha, you're so funny Nick! I bet you're so funny in Pork and Recrea-" Nick Offerman gets up, walks over to Dan Spizuco, and snaps their legs in half. Dan screams until their lungs give out. Daniel Juliet Simon Spizuco January 30, 1999 - May 14, 2038 Let's try again, shall we? [[Intro]]

(trailer for Jurassic Universe plays) "Oh my god, Bryce, what a spectacle! Dinosaurs, ''in space''! What a concept!" "I know, it was fun shooting in space with the cast and crew, David Lynch was a blast to work with!" (audience cheers) "You know it's funny you mention that, I think David Lynch might be around here somewhere." Dan gets up from behind the desk, goes behind the couch, takes out a gun, and fires a shot. Does the bullet [[hit David Lynch]] or [[miss David Lynch]]?

"I remember Hollow Knight, it was this indie game with a bug and swords." "Ooooh, so THAT'S what Hollow Knight is. I'm sorry Dan, I never played it." "Neither did I, but...wait, you still don't know what it is? You're in the movie." "Yeah, but it's like The Super Mario Bros Movie, where it's not like the games, so I still don't know anything about Hollow Knight." "Bryce Dallas Howard, is it rude to ask how much you're being paid to promote this movie?" "Oh it was a labor of love, I'm doing all this for free." The audience whispers to each other. They even mumble a little. "All these years later, and Hollywood still can't figure out how to make a good video game movie." The audience laughs. "We'll be right back, after these messages!" (camera pans back, house band plays Hot Cross Buns in 17/8) [[Commercial Break 1]]

"Really, the Bryce Dallas Howard Experience? Sounds more like the name of a tour than a movie." "I mean, is anything real?" "what" Everything enters a swirling haze, and Dan wakes up in their bed. It is 4:39 AM. Dan gets up, pees, and goes back to bed. I wonder what will happen this time. [[Intro]]

"George Harrison, the legend himself, what is Love Comes From Within about?" "I'll admit the title is a little vague, but it's about how love comes from within. We must all love ourselves, there's not much love left in this world, you know." "You can say that again." Dan takes a sip from their mug. "There's not much love left in this world. Everyone fights all the time, we don't take the time to love one another and peace and harmony." "I think you lost your way there a little at the end, George." "I'm 95 years young, Dan, I think I know my way around a sentence." George pulls a flask out of his jacket pocket, and crushes it with his hand. He throws it into the audience. Three audience members grab it at once, and their hands fall off. "I'm sorry, Dan, my love hasn't been very within lately. I've been in a bad place these days." [[continue Love Comes From Within]]

"So George, I really like this one, it's calm and introspective, but it has a mean sax solo at the end. Hard to hate a tasteful sax solo." "Well you know, Dan, it's about what you miss in life when you take the easy way ou-" "Who played that saxophone?" "You miss many of life's greatest opportunities, and by avoiding risks, you become very bori-" "What kind of saxophone was it?" "If I hadn't joined The Beatles, I'd have died in 2001 or something. Somehow, living on the edge has actually improved my lif-" "Was it you? Did you play the sax solo? I know you play many instruments." George Harrison, clearly frustrated, gets up and leaves. He does not turn around, he does not say goodbye. He bumps into Andy Richter on the way out, likely on purpose. "Alright, let's cut to commercial!" (house band plays music with their instruments) [[Commercial Break I]]

"I take it Yellow Submarine 3 is a follow-up to John Lennon's Yellow Submarine 2 from a few years back?" "Yes, Dan Spizuco, it was a tie-in with the sequel to the Yellow Submarine movie, called Yellow Submarine 2. It was good, I liked it." "I loved it too. Yellow Submarine was my favorite movie as a kid, I watched it nearly every day." "Weren't you born in the late 90s?" "Time isn't real, George." The room falls silent. "So, what's the inspiration behind Yellow Submarine 3? I don't recall seeing a trailer for it." "The movie hasn't been made yet, I'm using the new song to push for the making of the movie. It's how the movie "All Things Must Pass" got made back in the 70s." "There is no movie of that name from the 70s. I don't think there are any movies with that name." "Maybe it's from a different timeline." George and Dan share a laugh amongst themselves. [[Continue Yellow Submarine 3]]

"EGADS, I'VE BEEN SHOT!" David Lynch gets up from behind the couch with a hole in his leg. The audience gasps, and starts booing. Bryce Dallas Howard throws her mug at Dan. "WAIT WAIT, CEASE YOUR JEERING, I CAN HEAL MYSELF AT WILL!" David Lynch's bullet wound instantly plugs itself up, and the audience cheers. Bryce Dallas Howard un-throws her mug. "David, you never cease to amaze me." Bryce Dallas Howard chuckles. "Sorry about the mug, Dan. I thought you killed someone again." "Eh, what's another kill. Blue Velvet was never my thing." Dan puts their gun away. Suddenly, the room starts to shake violently; it's like an earthquake, but [[somehow worse]].

You shoot a hole in the floor. A mysterious gas seeps out, it smells like black coffee and mystery. ''*POOF*'' "HELLO, DISTINGUISHED GUESTS, IT IS I, DAVID LYNCH!" The audience whoops and cheers, it's like meeting Santa Claus. "BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU. SHOOTING JURASSIC UNIVERSE WAS LOTS OF FUN!" Bryce looks confused; she did indeed have fun shooting Jurassic Universe with David Lynch, but something's off. She tugs at David Lynch's neck, and his face comes off... ...revealing the Adam Driver clone. He runs off backstage, giggling maniacally. The audience is silent. [[Jurassic Interview with Bryce Dallas Howard]]

RRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRR "OH FUCK NO IT'S A DINOSAUR FROM SPACE!" David Lynch shouts in horror, but with a sense of familiarity, as the dinosaur from space crashes into the studio. Bryce Dallas Howard is speechless, but not surprised. "Wait, did you two film Jurassic Universe with ''actual space dinosaurs?'' Those things are dangerous, they can kill you with their big sharp fangs and whatnot!" David Lynch becomes invisible, and suddenly the space dinosaur's jaw splits in half. David Lynch emerges victorious, standing in the space dinosaur's mouth. "I HAVE SLAIN THE COSMIC BEAST!" The audience roars in applause, there is a standing ovation, a baby is born, he is also named David Lynch. Dan looks at the camera, "funny stuff happens on this show sometimes", and makes the Dreamworks face. The audience laughs reasonably. David Lynch disappears into the unknown. Bryce Dallas Howard wipes dust off her dress. "You're such a character, Dan. You really have to be careful with those guns, they kill people!" [[Jurassic Interview with Bryce Dallas Howard]]

"You know, Dan, I never took you for a space dinosaur movie person." Bryce Dallas Howard takes a sip from her mug. "Me neither, but I'm a talk show host, and you're here to push it." Dan mugs at the camera, and half the audience swoons. The other half does not. "It's always a treat coming onto your show, with all these zany antics." "Well you know what they say..." Dan stares into the distance. The studio is completely silent. Cut to [[Commercial Break 1]].

"So George, who would you cast to play The Beatles in a hypothetical Yellow Submarine 3 movie?" "What do you mean hypothetical?" A movie executive walks onto the stage with a contract and a suitcase full of money. George signs the contract, and the movie executive walks away. "It's like All Things Must Pass again." George winks and grins at the camera. The audience pisses themselves crying, it's like A Hard Days Night again. "Weren't we ''just'' talking about how All Things Must Pass isn't a real movie?" "Like I said, maybe not in this timeline, but I have seen the movie, it's solid. 3 stars." George looks satisfied with himself. Dan wipes sweat off their forehead, "we'll be right back!" [[Commercial Break I]]

"Hello, I'm NBC-Disney-Arby's CEO Walt Arbies. Here at NBC-Disney-Arby's, we value only the best in broadcast news, children's entertainment, and unconventional fast food. However, we couldn't stop there, so we are proud to unveil our latest absorption!" Walt Arbies pulls out a Fender guitar, and plays an E power chord. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now NBC-Disney-Arby's-Fender! The music world is forever blessed!" An audience track cheers; it's one you've heard in sitcoms before. [[Commercial Break II]]

Dan sits in horror. They have never seen anything like this happen before their eyes. That woman probably had a family who loved her. "Nick, is there any footage of Cranberry Milkshakes you can show us?" "Of course, Daniel, this clip is from the first episode, coming to NBC-Disney-Arby's next week!" A clip of a picturesque American family eating dinner plays: //"Hey dad, is Grandpa gonna join us for dinner?" A dog yelps in the background, and a loud squishy sound is heard, followed by crunching. "I think Grandpa's plenty fed, sweeite." The family laughs.// The audience cheers and laughs, Nick Offerman does that giggle he does on talk shows. Dan holds up a notecard that says [[Commercial Break One]] because they cannot bring themself to speak.

"I'm sorry Dan, I just can't do this." George Harrison gets up, and heads backstage. An intern is holding a cold towel and a water bottle, which George rejects. The camera shifts to Dan, who is sitting at their desk, motionless. It's like rigor mortis set in. The camera pans to the audience, who are also motionless. Andy Richter walks into the frame, and in an instant, stops moving. The air is still, as though time has been stopped. Except it hasn't, because the clocks are still ticking. Hell, everyone backstage is moving around. The intern takes a peek from backstage and notices everyone is motionless...except the camera crew. The intern decides to inspect a cameraman. [[Cameraman]]

Dan falls through the hole and...it's just the studio set. Dan looks noticeably confused, as do you; there are cameras and everything. Dan looks up at the ceiling, and there's no hole. There's no hole in the floor either. "1 minute till showtime, Dan." Dan looks really nervous, they weren't expecting to do the show all over again. Nonetheless, they proceed. [[Intro|The Intro]]

The intern approaches the first cameraman. The cameraman turns around, he seems mostly human. "Hello, young lady, I am operating a camera." There's no denying that, the cameraman is indeed operating a camera, but something still feels off. The intern looks closely at the cameraman, and notices that his skin isn't very...skin-like; come to think of it, they look more like scales. "You're a human being, right?" The intern is very nervous most of the time, and is especially nervous now. "Of course I am, a human. It's not like space dinosaurs are real." The intern grows suspicious, the cameraman is most likely a space dinosaur; those things can shapeshift, and then they'll get big and kill you or something like that. Suddenly, she notices the camera. "Oh no!" [[Cameraman 2]]

"All new at Burger King, the new titanic Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Burger, a half-pound patty made of bison meat, topped with buffalo sauce, lettuce, and tomato! We're definitely not scrambling to stay relevant, we've done it this long!" "Burger King, it's food!" (Burger King jingle) [[Commercial Break Two]]

"Imagine this, you're at home, you're drinking your drink, and suddenly, oh no! You've dropped your drink, and the puddle isn't melting a hole in the floor!" "Oh no I hate when that happens!" The hired actor is clearly phoning it in, no wonder he's only in commercials. "Well hate no more, while our competitors' drink has a pH level of 11, ours has a level of 2!" "Wow I didn't know the pH scale went that low!" The hired actor looks amazed, but only because it's in the script. He probably has a chemistry degree. "Get pH2 Drink at your local store today!" //"From the company that brought you Soda Tea and Grilk.// [[Commercial Break Three]]

A hand reaches through the TV. You reach out to touch it, and it grabs you. It hurts a little. You find yourself in a field. There's no one else around, just you...and an odd looking bird. It almost looks like a person. For whatever reason, you find yourself at peace, despite the weirdly human-looking bird. You haven't felt this content in ages. Suddenly, the clouds form letters: //Red Bull Gives You Wiings// What the fuck All of a sudden, you're on your couch at home, and the Dan Spizuco Show is about to come back on. That must've just been a dream, right? Surely you just slept through the other commercials, right? [[Back to the Show]]

The screen goes black. Suddenly, a green triangle appears. It has an eye, which blinks every second and a half or so. An ominous voice emerges, "BUY MONEY, BUY GOODS AND SERVICES, GOLD, LUXURY, BUY THINGS" The triangle disappears, wonder what that was about. [[Commercial Break III]]

''All new.'' A barrage of items fall on screen; basketballs, acorns, melons, TVs, shoes, you name it. ''Coming soon.'' A red strobe light fills the screen. It hurts your eyes. ''Yours today.'' You're not sure what's being advertised, this must be that postmodernism everyone's so into these days. [[Back to the Show]]

(house band is singing a Gregorian chant in perfect unison) "Hey howdy hello y'all, welcome to the Dan Spizuco Show! Say, Andy Richter, how've you been lately?" "I went grocery shopping before the show." "What'd you get?" "Mostly bread. I just started this anti-keto diet where you eat as much carbs as possible." Dan mugs at the camera, "Quality television." The audience laughs. "I'd love to welcome a standup comedian to tell jokes and shit: [[James Acaster]] [[Chelsea Peretti]] [[Eric Andre]]"

It's just another ad for that movie you already saw. It could've been better, but it had a good ending. Maybe it's setting up for a sequel, maybe not. You get up and go to the kitchen, it's a bit late but you still haven't had dinner, so you call the local diner; you get the Philly burger instead, which is just a cheeseburger with sweet peppers and grilled onions. Admittedly, you're pretty tired, and there's a chance you might not remember ordering it when the food comes. You return to the couch, and watch the rest of the Dan Spizuco show waiting for your food to come. [[Back to the Show]]

(house band plays what sounds like a Kinks song, but you're not sure) "All the way from across the pond, Mr. James Acaster!" The audience applauds, and James Acaster walks onto the stage. His clothes are in 70s colors. James Acaster starts frantically rambling into the microphone, "you know what, I never got the appeal of growing fruit trees in your yard. It's such a hassle. I could just go to the grocery store, where I can get fruit I don't have to wash." "Um, Mr. Acaster, you still have to wash fruit you buy in the store." Dan Spizuco looks concerned. James Acaster looks down at his shoes, as though he is ashamed to be learning this. He then coughs up a perfectly intact apple, it looks good enough to eat. James Acaster takes the apple backstage, washes it, and eats it like a snake eats a mouse. The audience applauds. "Ah, gotta love James Acaster. Anyway, I'd love to introduce our next guest: [[Wyatt Cenac]] [[Ali Wong]] [[Colin Hanks]]

(house band plays a reharmonized cover of the Brooklyn Nine-Nine theme) "May I introduce to you, the lovely Chelsea Peretti!" The audience applauds. Chelsea Peretti walks on stage with no skin on her body. The audience is shocked. "Hey, I was wondering if it would be okay if all my jokes tonight were about my flesh transplant." The audience says nothing. "Okay so that's a yes. Anyway, I was walking my dog the other day, and-" ''BANG'' Dan Spizuco shoots the skinless beast, and is horrified to realize they shot the guest comedian. Nonetheless, life goes on, and Dan introduces the backup comedian, [[James Acaster]].

(house band plays "I Worship Satan" by Blarf perfectly note for note) "He's a big inspiration of mine, so let me proudly introduce, Eric Andre!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Eric Andre runs face first into the desk and dies instantly. Dan stands up, "today, we mourn the loss of one of my biggest inspirations, Eric Andre. A comedian who truly pushed every boundary and then some, he was a true sight to behold. He is survived by...I don't know actually, but who cares. Let's welcome my backup comedian, [[James Acaster]] !"

(house band plays Latin jazz in double time) "Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic Wyatt Cenac!" Wyatt Cenac appears on stage out of thin air, and takes a bow. The audience applauds. "Wow Wyatt, I didn't know you were some kind of magician, haha." "It's funny you mention that, I actually am a licensed magician." Wyatt Cenac clears his throat. "The ones you see at birthday parties and fundraisers, they're not the real deal. David Blaine? Criss Angel? Throw them in the trash, they're selling lies. Me? I'm a real magician." The audience is in awe. "I'm confused, magic is real?" Dan looks confused, as stated in the line of dialogue. Wyatt Cenac seems startled, he looks like he's just revealed something he shouldn't have. Following this, he disappears into thin air. [[Wyatt Cenac 2]]

(house band plays a recording of "Band on the Run" by Wings, since they themselves don't know how to play the song) "The wonderful Ali Wong, everyone!" Ali Wong walks on stage, and the audience cheers. She takes in a seat in a chair, and drinks from her mug. She does not stop drinking until the mug is empty. "Bit thirsty, ey?" "Yeah, I ran all the way here from my apartment on Seventh Avenue. I figured I could use the exercise." "Damn, that's a few blocks away from the studio, isn't it? And I'm pretty sure it's raining too" "I have my ways, Daniel." The audience cheers, Ali Wong smiles directly into the camera. [[Ali Wong 2]]

Lo and behold, this is not a camera at all, but a freeze ray! DUN DUN ''DUUUUUUUUUUN'' "You monster, you ''are'' a space dinosaur! How dare you use your freeze ray on innocent celebrities, talk show hosts, and audience members!" The intern is furious; she'll never get the college credit for her internship this way! "Oh, but young lady, you're not even being paid to do this." The space dinosaur makes a fair point, she's putting all time and energy into this, and she gets nothing out of it. Her social life has gone to shit, she's been falling behind in class, all to give towels to people with more fame and money than she ever will. The intern looks into the freeze ray, sealing her fate, and (as far as we know) the rest of the human race. The space dinosaurs have won. That didn't go so well. Try again, shall we? [[Intro]]

(house band plays "That Thing You Do" by The Wonders, but really fucking badly, like a bunch of dads who played in college but are now in their 40s and working shitty insurance jobs) "I'm very proud to introduce, the wonderful Colin Hanks!" Instead, Chet Hanks rushes the stage, shouting "WHITE BOY SUMMER, WHITE BOY SUMMER" like the dumbass he is. Suddenly, his father Tom Hanks emerges on stage, grabs his disgraced son by the toes, and flings him into the ceiling. Chet Hanks flies into the sky, and does not ever land. Legend has it he hit the Sun. "Oh my god, Tom Hanks! It's so great to finally meet you!" Dan is overjoyed. Tom Hanks looks less than pleased, "I'm sorry about my shit son, Colin couldn't make it and forgot to tell you." "White Boy Summer was Chet's thing when I was, like 22, what does he think he's trying to accomplish?" "Who knows." Tom Hanks takes a sip from what is now his mug. [[Tom Hanks]]

'EXCUSE ME, IS WYATT CENAC ON THE PREMISES?" A loud voice booms over the intercom. It's not a voice Dan recognizes. "This is just a humble talk show, we mean no harm!" Dan stands up with their hands behind their head. "WE ARE THE MAGIC COUNSEL, THE EXISTENCE OF MAGIC WAS KEPT AN AIRTIGHT SECRET FOR CENTURIES, BUT THEN WYATT CENAC HAD TO RUIN IT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE BY BROADCASTING IT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?" "Um, no, not really, it's not like he said how to do it." "IT'S STILL TOO MUCH. I'M AFRAID WE ONLY ONE CHOICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH YOU, DANIEL SPIZUCO." Nothing happens, somehow. "Say, what's our good old bandleader up to, anyway?" [[Bandleader Banter]]

"You know, something's not right." The bandleader chimes in; normally he's very chipper and humorous, but tonight he's been quiet. "Why are we playing such weird music? Can't we play something normal, and not whatever 'every AC/DC song played at the same time' means?" "In all fairness, every AC/DC song sounds the same. It can't be that hard." Dan seems oddly defensive about this. "Well if it's so easy, //you// do it, if you're so smart." "Okay, I will." Dan goes to the house band, and grabs a guitar. The audience hoots and hollers. "1, 2, 3, 4!" Dan plays a decent riff in E minor on the guitar, perfectly replicating nearly 90% of AC/DC's discography. The audience cheers aggressively, as Dan takes a bow. "We'll be right back after these commercials!" [[Commercial Break 4]]

Ali Wong is still smiling directly into the camera, as she hurriedly gets up and leaves. Something is strange, but who knows, maybe she's just in a good mood. "Dan, I have a question." The bandleader chimes in for the first time this night; he's normally more engaging and wisecracking, but this time he looks frustrated. "Why do we play such weird things for all the guests? Like, last week we had Madonna on, and you had us play an instrumental version of Like a Surgeon. Not even her own song, but the Weird Al parody. Is there even a difference at that point?" Dan looks confused; for some reason, they had never thought of this. "Alright then, what would you rather play?" "Well, maybe before this commercial break, we could play: [[a song from Donald Fagen's "The Nightfly"]] [[generic blues chords]] [[80s biker metal]]"

"Well, Tom Hanks, I wasn't expecting you to be here. Is there you want to talk about? Anything new to promote?" "No." Tom Hanks takes a sip from his mug, and the audience cheers. "Tom, with all due respect, could you please leave so we can get on with the sho-" "Ok." Tom Hanks gets up and leaves. The audience all shouts "goodbye Tom Hanks" in perfect unison, down to the timbre and pitch. It sounds like one really loud person saying it. The screen fades to black, which means it's probably time for another commercial break. The doorbell rings, and it's a delivery guy with a "Philly burger" for you. You don't remember ordering one, but maybe you did. You take it, mute the TV, and eat the burger in peace. The commercials end, and you unmute the TV in time for the [[musical performance.]]

The house band launches into a rather rousing rendition of Donald Fagen's "Green Flower Street" from his album "The Nightfly". Rather than cut to commercial, the house band plays on. The band finishes, and since it's almost the end of the show, it's time for the [[musical performance.]]

The house band plays the E7 and A7 chords for what feels like a thousand years, which translates to around 2 minutes in Earth time. "Alright, fine, you got to play your song. It sucked shit. Play what I tell you." Dan is noticeably annoyed. "We'll return after these messages!" [[Commercial Break 4]]

The house band launches into a surprisingly aggressive cover of a Motorhead song; you don't recognize it because it's not "Ace of Spades". "Damn, y'all rock! Remind me to let you pick the songs next time!" Dan seems rather impressed, clearly also not recognizing the Motorhead song because it's not "Ace of Spades". "Normally I'd cut to commercial, but eh, not tonight. Not tonight, America!" The audience cheers, many of them stand up and bow, an eagle cries off in the distance. [[musical performance.]]

A beam of fire shoots out of the TV and burns a hole in the wall...or at least that's what it looks like. Yep, 3D movies are back...again, for some reason. You space out for a bit, and return to reality in time for Dan Spizuco to present tonight's [[musical performance.]]

"Making their Dan Spizuco Show live debut, I now welcome to the stage: [[H.E.R.]] [[King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard]] [[Tom Brady]]

H.E.R. comes onto the stage with an acoustic guitar, the audience applauds. She is hot off the tails of her 20th Grammy win for her new album "M.E." "This one's about when you trip on the sidewalk, and you no-clip through reality." The audience goes nuts, it seems this one is very relatable. H.E.R. plays a rather nice and catchy song about no-clipping through reality. You wonder if it's happened to you before. "Wow, what a tune! Thanks for coming on the show!" Dan is acting like this is the only normal thing that has happened on the show so far, and it is. [[Last Part of the Show]]

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard enter the stage, now a dectet, in robes and regalia for what you think is their own cult. You recognize yourself in the band, but don't think much of it; you know a few dozen of their albums, but aren't as familiar with their whole discography as you'd like to be. Frontman Stu Mackenzie goes up to the microphone and eats it. He eats all the other microphones too. "We won't be needing microphones for this performance." Dan Spizuco looks pumped, and the version of you that's in the band does too; good for him. "This one's called //Evil Goblins Doing Evil Goblin Things//." You're wondering why they don't need to mic the drums, vocals, or amps. [[King Gizzard 2]]

The lights dim, then turn off completely. Nothing can be seen in the studio. Suddenly, a spotlight shines on Tom Brady, which his stupid face and shit-eating grin. "Hello, ladies." No one responds. Good. The house band begins to play a sappy love ballad, but right before Tom Brady can sing, the band starts playing Paul Simon's "Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard" at breakneck speed, and Dan Spizuco starts rightfully pelting Tom Brady with footballs and bricks. Tom Brady, dejected, leaves the stage. Dan follows him out of the studio, and out of the building, following him all the way to his car, continually pelting him with footballs and bricks. Tom Brady starts the car, and Dan smashes a window with a brick; they climb into the car, and start gnawing at Tom Brady's clothing. By the time Tom Brady gets home, all of his clothes are gone, and Dan is full. Dan walks back to the studio, it takes a week. [[Last Part of the Show]]

"This brings us to the final guest of the show." The audience sighs as Dan utters those fateful words; you can't tell if they're sighs of relief or not. "I would like to welcome a very special guest: [[John Madden]] [[Tessa Thompson]] [[Walt Arbies]]

It becomes very clear why they didn't mic the drums, vocals, or amps. The instruments are so loud you can hear them from outside your house, and the vocals are so monstrous you think they're trying to awaken something, maybe a god. Granted, you're also in the band, and left your ear protection at home. The version of you that's in the band is very rapidly losing their hearing, but it's okay because he plays washboard on this one. "EVIL GOBLIIIIIIIIIIIIINS, THEY LIVE IN MY HEEEEEEAD," Stu's really going ham on this one, you're starting to think this band is really worth the hype. The band version of you breaks his washboard, and just starts punching it; somehow, it sounds better. King Gizzard stops abruptly after 45 minutes of playing. They bow, Stu waves and says "thank you" precisely 112 times, and they all leave the stage, including the version of you that plays with them. You have to meet him someday. [[Last Part of the Show]]

(house band plays Fox Sports theme) John Madden rushes the stage clutching a football; he tackles Dan Spizuco, and a loud crunching sound is heard. You hear in a very pained voice "holy fuck John Madden's still alive", and then nothing. John Madden hoists the knocked-out body of Dan over his head, and flings it into the audience. It becomes clear that it's just a rubber decoy, and the real Dan is hiding behind the couch. But then, who said that line? "It sure is great to be here, Dan! Glad to be pushing my new documentary!" John Madden gives a hearty laugh. "What documentary? I thought you were here because, well, you're John Madden. You're famous and alive." The audience ooohs and aaahs, they didn't know about the documentary either, clearly. "Well I've got a trailer right here. Hit it!" John Madden points at a camera, and a trailer plays. [[Trailer]]

(house band plays free jazz, but with heavy metal guitars and drum machines) Tessa Thompson walks on stage, and sits on the couch. She looks like she has big news to share. "Dan, you're not gonna believe it! I'm pregnant..." The audience goes ballistic; they start beating the crap out of each other. "...with this hoagie I had on the way here. Sorry, I'm a bit full, if I feel like I'm lacking in energy." "Was it Jimmy's on Low Street? Jimmy's is the shit, their sandwiches are to kill for." "Clearly, Dan." The camera pans to the audience; at least 1 limb has been lost. By your estimations, the fight will end once only one audience member is standing. Your bet's on the guy in the Phillies hat, you know how Philly sports fans are; when the Eagles won the past 7 Super Bowls, the city was burned down every time, and gradually rebuilt over the course of the year leading up to the next Super Bowl. The citizens of Philly are very resilient. [[Tessa Thompson 2]]

(house band plays the NBC-Disney-Arby's-Fender theme, come on, you've heard it) "May I welcome to the show, Mr. Walt Arbies!" Dan seems afraid by their eyes, but the audience is thrilled. After all, he's the most powerful CEO in the world, more powerful than most countries. "Glad to be here, Daniel. I've always adored the art of television." Walt Arbies is phoning it in so hard you can hear him ring. The audience eats it up like...food, you're tuning out but you wanna see Walt Arbies fuck up or something. "So Mr. Arbies, I hear your company recently acquired Fender, a manufacturer of guitars, basses, amplifiers, and pedals. What led to this acquisition?" "Well, I always had a passion for music, but I'm just too damn rich! Music is for the masses, the people, what am I gonna do with it? Then I remembered, I'm too damn rich! I could just ''buy'' Fender! Haha." The audience goes wild; it's cute how they think he's one of them. [[Walt Arbies 2]]

Walt Arbies walks onto the side stage with the house band, and takes the guitarist's guitar; "sucks to suck", Walt whispers into the guitarist's ear. He plays an E power chord for about 3 minutes before the rest of the band comes in; it's clearly the only chord he knows, but the audience goes nuts for it. To some, the performance may be a masterpiece in driving rhythms and drones; to you, it's hot garbage. Walt Arbies has the natural rhythm of a tidal wave; that is to say, none. Dan Spizuco also gets up on stage, takes one of the keyboardist's keyboards, and plays over the E jam of sorts; you knew Dan was a musician, but damn, maybe they should be the bandleader instead of the host. You walk through the TV, and find yourself on stage. Maybe you're a musician in another life, so you grab a maraca and shake it. It feels good. Walt Arbies does a string-bend, the audience roars in amazement; people have such low standards for musical performance. The jam dies down, Dan and Walt return to the stage, and you return back to your couch. The show proceeds as usual. [[Show Wrap Up]]

The screen fades in on a sunny meadow. There are birds chirping, the sun is shining, and a dog runs on screen. John Madden steps out from behind a tree. "Do you //really// know what trees are made of? You're told in school that they're made of wood and bark, but I beg to differ." John Madden punches a tree, and it makes a clanging sound. "This feller's made of metal. Let's try this one." John Madden punches another tree, and it splits open; there's a little green creature inside with headphones and a control panel. The creature is shocked, presses some buttons, pulls a lever or two, and flies away. "Trees have been alien space capsules this entire time, since time began. We have been lied to for milennia, by scholars and scientists. BUT NO LONGER WILL WE LIVE IN THE DARK." John Madden punches another tree, and it explodes. The explosion makes way for a title card: "The Ultimate Treeth" It's like tree mixed with truth, but it's a shit pun and the documentary also looks like shit. [[John Madden 2]]

The audience roars with applause. Dan is shocked and confused. "Hey John, I know you're all old and shit; to be fair, I thought you died. What in fresh piss was that?" John Madden looks astounded, he does not understand Dan's reaction. "Listen here Spizuco, I want to expose the truth to the world. You big media bigwigs are hiding the truth, aliens have been here all along." Dan is now even more confused, and also frightened. They reach into their pocket to grab something. "You can't behind your desks and suits forever, Daniel. I'm coming for you!" Dan pulls out their gun and shoots John Madden in the eye. It looks horrible, all bleeding and shit. John Madden falls to the ground, and rolls like a football into the audience. It seems to defy physics, but what else is new. [[Show Wrap Up]]

The camera pans around the studio, Dan Spizuco and Tessa Thompson are nowhere to be seen. A quick peek backstage reveals all the crew and interns have left as well. All that remains is fighting. (live: 1s) [(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.4))[Blood]] (live: 2s) [(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.5))[Blood]] (live: 3s) [(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.7))[Blood]] (live: 4s) [(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.8))[Blood]] (live: 5s) [(text-colour:red)[Blood]] (live: 6s) [There are no survivors. Come to think of it, you don't feel so good yourself. You pass out on the couch and never wake up. That went just great. [[Intro]]]

Dan Spizuco walks out from behind the curtain, despite also being at their desk. This new Dan Spizuco is in an all-white suit, and their hair is slicked back. "That's been the show, ladies and germs!" New Dan sneezes directly into their bare hands without closing their eyes; if anything, they actually bulge a little. You don't like New Dan. Previous Dan lunges at New Dan, and splits their jaw open like a Kit-Kat bar. The crunching sound is similar too. Previous Dan gets up and waves goodbye to the audience. The audience cheers and claps, like at the end of a flight on an airplane. That's the end of the show. "Wheel of Fortune" is on next, so you turn off the TV and find something else to do. You decide to [[listen to a song]].

You put on a song at random; it's "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel. You've heard it many times before, and you still like it. You walk around your house, looking for something else to do. Maybe you'll [[get a glass of water]].

You're thirsty, so you get a glass of water. You reach for the pitcher in your fridge, but you find a glowing rock with a rune on it instead. Weird. You opt for tap water, which is good because you have a Brita filter, and fill the cup around 80%. You take a sip of water, nod in mild satisfaction, and head back to your bedroom. Maybe you will [[read a chapter of a book]].

You read a chapter of a book. It's good, even better than the last chapter, but not as good as the one before it. This chapter is something of a flashback, revealing more about the main character rather than progressing the current plot. You close the book, turn off the lights, and go to sleep. Maybe you should start making plans with your friends, instead of staying home watching talk shows. The end. But there's always more to the story. [[Intro]]

[The day is May 14, 2038. You are a humble civilian watching TV at night. You turn on the NBC-Disney-Arby's channel.] //Welcome to the Dan Spizuco Show! (talk show intro theme with a famous wisecracking bandleader and a brass section) The show has many guests, a musical performance, and even a sidekick who does...something! He's great!// [[Opening Monologue|The Opening Monologue]] (Game made by Dan Spizuco, with help from Flowers and Vomit)

"Hey howdy hello I'm Dan Spizuco, and boy golly gee did I have a rough morning! I rolled out of bed and fell through every floor of my house!" (link-reveal:"(audience laughter) ") ["I swear I've done this before, this feels wrong. Not this show, I've done many episodes, y'all've seen them. But ''this', this feels wrong. It's all too familiar, like a dream that continues even when you wake up.'" Dan Spizuco looks scared, they're sweating and shaking like hell. You are also sweating and shaking, but that's because the weather's hot and the AC's cranked, so you're experiencing two very temperatures at once. [[Next]] ]

Dan runs backstage, goes through many hallways, and leaves the building. Something is wrong. Something is wrong with the sky. You can't tell if the sky is [[red]] or [[purple]]. It's one of those ambiguous cases.

The sky is...(text-colour:red)[red]. Skies are never supposed to look like this, not even during the twilight hours. You run into Nick Offerman in the parking lot, he was supposed to be on your show but you doesn't look fit for television. "Mr. Offerman, we're on in a minute or so, what are you doing in the parking lot? You should be on set." "Worry not, Daniel. The crimson sky is an indication of a hell yet unseen by man, awaiting its moment to rain blood on the earth. Are we being punished for our sins? Who's to say? What can be considered a sin that has always been considered a sin? All I can say is, there won't be a show after this, there won't even be a planet, just a rock in the sky, drained of any trace of its past... (live: 40s) [and it's a Fridy." Dan suddenly realizes this is not Nick Offerman, but rather[[...]]]

The sky is...purple. You can't tell if it's more of a [[reddish purple]] or a [[bluish purple]], but you're sure you've never seen anything like it before.

'Nick Offerman' removes his mask to reveal he is actually acclaimed movie director David Lynch. "HELLO DANIEL SPIZUCO, IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU." David Lynch extends his hand for a handshake. "''Excuse me but what the fuck was that,''" Dan's pissed. "RELAX DANIEL, I'M USED TO IT. USUALLY WHEN PEOPLE WATCH ANYTHING I'VE EVER DONE, THEY SAY THAT. YOU THINK I'D GET SICK OF IT, BUT I ALWAYS LIKE IT." David Lynch gives a hearty laugh. Dan takes David Lynch's coffee and splashes it in his face. David Lynch falls to the ground screaming and burning. The sky starts to rumble, it's like thunder but worse. Somehow, you feel it too. [[Dan awaits their impending fate.]]

Blood cascades from the heavens like tears of someone who has lost in life. The sun grows brighter and brighter like a light leading you towards certain demise. The air feels hot, like a fireplace being built directly under you, or perhaps like you've been tied to the maypole, and children are dancing around it with torches. Everything you've ever done up to this point has meant nothing. Your successes, your failures, your triumphs, your embarrassments. Everything has led to this moment, the world as you know it crumbling before your very eyes and ears. Bet those doomsday preppers feel fucking stupid now. You lie on the ground, because what else can you do. The temperature is rising rapidly, you watch the concrete beneath you sink into the earth. You become one with the earth. (live: 16s) [But inevitably, all is reborn. Try again? [[Intro]]]

Upon closer examination, the sky doesn't even look purple. It just looks [[red]].

The sky is...(text-colour:#6643c7)[this bluish purple color]. What does that mean? You look around, and you see no one. Nothing. It's just a field, if even. It's as though it's all it's ever been. You feel yourself drifting, like a leaf caught in the breeze. You fade from existence...and all is right in the world. (live: 16s) [But the world is not meant to be right. Try again? [[Intro]]]