Doinglessness

(link-reveal:"I wanted to write a poem.")[= (link:"I had the time...")[=I had the time... (link:"I had an idea...")[=I had an idea... (set: $punish to false)(set: $press to false)(set: $regret to false)(set: $thoughts to true) [[I didn't do anything.->I did]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )](set: _chatting to 0) I (link:"rested")[couldn't get out of bed]. I (link:"slept")[tried to relearn how to sleep]. I met with a (link-reveal:"few friends.")[ It did us a lot of good.] I (link:"connected")[spent incountable amount of time (link-reveal:"chatting")[(show:?connect)] on the internet] with other people. |connect)[I still feel like I've connected, though.] I was (link:"meditating")[(link:"reflecting")[ even wrote some thoughts in (link-reveal:"my journal")[. Emptying my head, what a relief]]]. (link:"I took care of my children.")[My children (link-reveal:"didn't starve. ")[ (link:"Hopefully.")[(show:?kids)]]] |kids)[(link:"I had fun with them.")[I once again (link-reveal:"felt fun playing with my children...")[(show:?surprise)]]] |surprise)[(link:" Suprising...")[(link:" Astonishing...")[ I was longing for that...(click-replace:"that...")[that for years.]]]] I even did (link:"some")[very basicaly minor] (link-reveal:"house cleaning")[. The house does not (link-reveal:"stink")[ most of the time..(show:?clean)].] |clean)[(link:"Gosh, I hate house cleaning so f*cking much.")[ (link-reveal:"It felt good.")[ I was proud.]]] (more:)[[[I still feel like I did nothing, though.->nothing]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )](link-reveal:"I feel better.")[ I did do some (link:"betterment. ")[betterement of the me (link-reveal:"feeling.")[ (link-reveal:"This is not really nothing, is it?")[ I am (link-reveal:"feeling")[(show:?hid)] (cycling-link:"better", "awful").]]]] |hid)[(link-reveal:"Why does it feel like nothing ?")[ [[Why?->cool stuff]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )](link-reveal:"I want to do this cool stuff...")[ I can't do it.(click:"can't")[ (seq-link:"It", "Creating cool stuff") will make me feel better.(click-replace:"cool stuff will make me feel better")[is healing(click:"healing")[ I create stuff because it heals me.(click-prepend:"create")[need to (show:?2)]|2)[(click-replace:" stuff because it heals me")[.(show:?3)]|3)[(click-replace:" create")[.(show:?4)]]|4)[(click-replace:"need to")[[[(seq-link:"have to", "must")->must]]]]]]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )]Why?(click:"Why?")[ ... am I unable?(click:"Why?")[ ... I am incapable?(click:"Why?")[ ... am I so (text-style:"sway", "italic")[lazy](click:"Why?")[ Why does my body suck so much?(click:"body suck")[ Why can't it just [[get things done->creating]]?]]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )](link:"Creating will make me feel so much better.")[I'll just do this little thing...](click-prepend:"little")[tiny ](click-prepend:"tiny")[tiny ](click-append:"thing")[y] (more:)[(click:"thingy")[ I can't do it... ](click:"can't")[ [[I can't do it!->sick]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )](set: $phrase to "must")I'm so fed up of being constantly sick.(click:"sick")[ |1>[I $phrase heal already.(click:"must")[ No, this isn't good...(click:"No")[ I want. (click:"want")[(set: $phrase to "want to")(rerun:?1)(show:?2a)]]]]]|2a)[(click-replace:" already")[(show:?2)]] |2)[(click-replace:"heal")[get better](click-replace:"get")[feel(show:?3)]](more:)|3)[(click-replace:"I want")[(seq-link:"I crave", "I lust", "I desire")(click-replace:"I desire to feel better.")[|des>[I desire.]](click-replace:?des)[I desire?(show:?3b)]]]|3b)[(more:)[(click-replace:"?")[. Again.]]](more:)[(click-replace:". Again")[ again(show:?4)]]|4)[(more:)[(click-append:"desire")[ something(show:?5)]]]|5)[(more:)[(click-replace:"desire something")[feel myself]]](more:)[(click:"feel myself")[ And I feel...(click:"And I feel")[ tired.]]](click:"tired")[ I just want to... [[(seq-link:"stare at the back of my head", "crawl under the blanket", "listen to that same album for the fiftieth time", "just lay down")->thoughts]].]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )](if:visits is 0)[(set: $punish to false)(set: $press to false)(set: $regret to false)(set: $thoughts to true)]|1>[(if:$thoughts is true)[(link-reveal:"Regrets...")[ (link-reveal:"Punishment...")[ Pressure...(click:"Pressure...")[(set:$thoughts to false)(rerun:?1)]]]](else:)[(if:$regret is false)[[[Regrets...->regrets]]](else:)[Regrets...] (if:$punish is false)[[[Punishment...->punishment]]](else:)[Punishment...] (if:$press is false)[ [[Pressure...->pression]]](else:)[Pression...]]] (more:)[Belittlement... (click:"Belittlement...")[ I am what I do.(click:"what I do")[ I deserve what I do.(click:"I deserve")[ I do nothing.(click:"I do nothing.")[ I deserve nothing.(click:"I do nothing.")[ [[I am nothing.-> not nothing]]]]]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )](link-reveal:"I could have...")[ (link-reveal:"It would have been...")[ (link-reveal:"I'll never know...")[ (seq-link:"It drives me crazy.", "This is all right.")(click:"all right")[ There will be plenty of (seq-link:"other", "worse", "better", "other") times.]]]](more:)[(click-replace:"times")[(seq-link:"opportunities", "moments")]] (more:)[(click:"moments")[(seq-link:"I know this.","I've lived this.","I've experienced this.")(click:"I've experienced this.")[ Why can't I just [[(set: $regret to true)listen to myself->thoughts]]?]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )]I was given this chance to feel better.(click:"feel better")[ I do not deserve it.(click-replace:"it")[to heal]](more:)[(click:"not deserve to heal")[ I am not doing what I should.(click:"not doing what I should")[ I am useless.]]] (more:)[(click:"useless")[Stop.(click-replace:"Stop")[Please stop(click-append:"Please")[ me,](click:"me")[ Me, stop (seq-link:"doing this", "being so ruthless") to myself]]]] (more:)[(click:"ruthless to myself")[ I freely give compassion to others.(click:"give compassion")[ [[(set: $punish to true)Why can't I give it to myself?->thoughts]]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )]It's just me.(click:"just me")[ The pressure is mine.(click:"mine")[ This is me putting pressure on myself.(click:"myself")[ Why am I [[(set: $press to true)doing this to me->thoughts]]?]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )]I am (seq-link:"not NOTHING","EVERYTHING","EVERYTHING I have").(click-replace:"I have")[|1>[I am]](more:)[(click: ?1)|2>[ I am.(click: ?2)[ [[I exist.->living]]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )]Existing is (seq-link:"not doing","being","living", "living a life").(click:"life")[(show:?2)] |2)[Life [is]<is| (seq-link:"precious", "imperfect", "beautiful").](more:)[(click-replace: ?is)[(seq-link:" can be ", " should be ", " is ")(show:?3)]]|3)[(more:)[(click-replace:"beautiful")[(seq-link:"meaningful", "meanigful. Always")(show:?4)]]]|4)[(more:)[(click-replace:"Life")[My life]]] (more:)[(click:"My life")[There is just this life.(click:"this life")[ There is no other.(click:"no other")[ The present moment [[(seq-link:"is", "is already gone")->life]].]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )]Life is the sum of (seq-link:"moments", "all days", "every f*cking day") lived through.(more:)[(click-append:"lived through")[ painstakingly..(click-replace:"painstakingly")[(seq-link:"happily", "smoothly", "unnoticeably","")(show:?1)]]] |1)[(more:)[(click:"every f*cking day")[Today.(click:"Today")[ Tomorrow.(click:"Tomorrow")[The next day.(click:"The next day")[ And then the next.(click:"then the next")[ And then [[the next after that->doinglessness]]...]]]]]]]

(replace:?sidebar)[(icon-restart: )]|1>[I can't appreciate (seq-link:"the day", "the moment", "my life") with all the (seq-link:"compulsory", "compulsive") doingness.] |2>[(more:)[(click:"appreciate")[(hide: ?1)I want to [appreciate]<life| my life.](show:?3)]] |3)[(more:)[(click: ?life)[(hide: ?2)(seq-link:"Embrace","Acknowledge", "Accept") the doinglessness.]]] (more:)[(click:"Accept the doinglessness")[I (seq-link:"rest", "reflect", "medite", "journal").(show:?4)]] |4)[(more:)[(hide: ?3)(click-replace:"I journal")[(link:"A prose")[(link:"N")[](link:"o")[(show:?5)](link:"t")[] (link:"a")[] poem]]]] |5)[(more:)[(text-color:"lightslategray")+(transition:"fade")+(transition-delay: 3s)[Written by axoona for shufPoetry Jam. July 2021.]]]