//by Kaitlin Tremblay//
2017
It’s in the way she scrapes her fork across the plate. So absent-mindedly, like she’s not even aware of the sounds, the intentions, the implications. The sound is small—so small, especially beneath the sound of surrounding conversations. (click-replace:"surrounding conversations")[the diner radio] (click-replace:"the diner radio")[people chewing]
A tiny sound, her fork on the near empty plate. [[She probably doesn’t even hear it.->Yogurt - 2]]
She’s making a swirl in the maple syrup on her plate, watching the syrup separate as the metal tinges of her fork break the gelatinous sugar, and then slowly oozing back in, reforming, taking back its shape, demanding to be whole.
She’s watching it, but her eyes aren’t looking at it. She’s telling me a story, and thinking through the words she’s carefully selecting. [[I don’t really know what she’s talking about to be honest.->Yogurt - 3]]
I love that she ordered waffles, especially on a first date. Waffles are so messy. There’s all that syrup, icing sugar, whipped cream, and fruit toppings. (click-replace:"fruit toppings")[strawberries] (click-replace:"strawberries")[raspberries] (click-replace:"raspberries")[blueberries] (click-replace:"blueberries")[bananas] With her fork like a sword, she would pile a mess of whipped cream and fruit into her mouth, as I dab at my lips with my napkin, wiping away coffee and [[lipstick, before it could smear.->Yogurt - 4]]
I ordered yogurt, with apples, honey, pecans, and granola in it. In the way she is drawing nonsense pictures in her syrup, I separate the items in mine.
(link-reveal:"Granola")[ off to the side, otherwise untouched.
(link-reveal:"Honey")[ carefully separated, sectioned off with a wall of pecans.
(link-reveal:"The apples I will eat.")[ One by one. They are cut into cubes, small and easily manageable. Can quickly pop one in my mouth with my spoon, using my teeth to pull it into my mouth, [[careful to avoid the yogurt->Yogurt - 5]] that surrounded the apple cube.]]
]
A careful routine. After one apple cube, I would swirl the yogurt, cover my spoon in a thin layer of vanilla-flavour.
Then, raise my spoon to my mouth, smiling with the intent to eat.
Then, when her eyes fall to her plate to determine her next bite, I quickly lick the bottom of the spoon, claiming only the smallest amount of yogurt, before returning the rest of the yogurt and [[my spoon back to the bowl->Yogurt - 6]], before her eyes could notice, could calculate.
She [[doesn’t->Yogurt - 7]] notice.
She keeps talking. Makes eye contact, smiles deeply. Looks down, takes a bite. It is a choreography of movements [[she isn’t aware she’s taking part in.->Yogurt - 7a]]
[[I wonder if she's going to take me home.->Yogurt - 9]]
She says,
** [["You didn't eat anything."->Yogurt - 10b]]
** [["Your tits look fantastic in that shirt."->Yogurt - 10c]]
"You didn't eat anything," she says, her eyes tracing the rivers I've made in my yogurt.
I don't know how to react. I never do.
** [[Is it better to lie?->Yogurt - 10b1]]
** [[Or is it better to just get it over with?->Yogurt - 10b2]]
"Your tits look fantastic in that shirt." She doesn't say it so much as growl it.
(live: 5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[I mean.](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[(transition:"dissolve")[I know.](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[That's why I chose it.->Yogurt - 10ca]]](stop:)]
"Well," I say, smirking, carefully putting down my spoon, mindful not to let any of the yogurt drip. "I had other plans in mind for what I wanted to eat tonight."
She exhales.
(live: 8s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[["I thought you'd never fucking say anything."->Yogurt - 10b1-2]](stop:)]]
"I, um," I start to say.
She raises a meticulous eyebrow.
[[How the fuck can she be so gorgeous?->Yogurt - 10b2a]]
We pay. We don't bother with the bus, and in the cab, we don't bother with giving a shit.
She's on top of me, teeth pulling at my lips. I can still taste the maple syrup on her lips and on her tongue, and I kiss her harder and deeper, sucking and trying to avoid the sweet syrup that still coats her tongue, using my teeth to pull at her tongue, careful, careful but I end up [[swallowing saliva and sugar anyways.->Yogurt - 10b1-3]]
"Yeah," she says.
You agree. Even though you were the one who said it in the first place. [[You awkwardly smile.->Yogurt - 10b2-2-1]]
"Nerves?" she asks with a raise of her eyebrows.
** [["Yes," I say.->Yogurt - 10b2-1a]]
** [["No, I'm okay," I lie.->Yogurt - 10b2-1b]]
"You didn't strike me as the type," she admits.
I'm not. [[Or maybe I am.->Yogurt - 10c1a]]
The look she gives me. Her bottom lip slightly curls under her teeth, inhaling sharply, eyes narrowing.
The atmosphere switches. [[I don't notice my bowl in front of my anymore.->Yogurt - 10c2a]]
We don't bother with the bus, and in the cab, we don't bother with giving a shit.
She's on top of me, teeth pulling at my lips. I can still taste the maple syrup on her lips and on her tongue, and I kiss her harder and deeper, trying to suck all of the syrup off of her tongue, a desperate act of sucking and swallowing [[saliva and sugar.->Yogurt - 10c2 -2]]
=><=
(live: 2s)[(transition:"dissolve")[grab](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(transition:"dissolve")[suck](stop:)]
(live: 4s)[(transition:"dissolve")[bite](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[moan (me)](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[(transition:"dissolve")[bite](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"dissolve")[tear](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"dissolve")[exhale sharply (her)](stop:)]
(live: 9s)[(transition:"dissolve")[grab](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[pull](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"dissolve")[pull](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"dissolve")[moan (her)](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[["Fuck," she says.->Yogurt - 10c2 -3]]](stop:)]
She lifts my shirt, just enough, to slip her hand under. She's eager, her hands pulling at my skin, grabbing as much of me as she can. Snaps off my bra, giving her hands more space to grab, pull, as her tongue traces the vein on my neck up to my ear, and her saliva is slick, no more remnants of maple syrup.
A new choregraphy, [[one I know well.->Yogurt - 10b1-3a]]
She stops. My breathing is too heavy. I //can't// breathe. The world flips for a second, and, "I'm sorry," I say. "I'm just dizzy." I can still feel her hands on my stomach. Fuck. I knew I wasn't ready.
She nods, asks if I need water.
I just need to go home. I circle my arms around my stomach. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
"I'm sorry," I say again.
[["You have nothing to be sorry for," she says.->Yogurt - 10b1-5]]
She makes sure I get home safe, and [[I do.->Yogurt - 10b1-6]]
She leaves while I'm asleep, and that's okay with me.
My room smells like sex, so I light a candle (vanilla icing sugar) (click-replace:"vanilla icing sugar")[apple pie] (click-replace:"apple pie")[black cherry] (click-replace:"black cherry")[clean linen and ocean breeze] and [[open a window.->Yogurt - 10c2 -4]]
She leaves while I'm asleep, but there's a note near my coffee maker, though. A scribbled heart, a "see you soon", and [[her name signed below it.->Yogurt - 10c1-4]]
We're at the restaurant, and then we're not. Shirts are barely off, and she's grabbing at my skin with her hands. (click-replace:"her hands.")[her teeth.] (click-replace:"her teeth.")[her tongue.] She's grabbing skin, flesh, grabbing the fat of my stomach, sinking her fingernails into me, and she moans into my ear. She pulls harder, and then I moan, too.
Brief hesitation as she lets go of my stomach, pulls back, and her eyes catch mine. My skin tingles where she knicked the flesh.
(live: 17s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[["Harder," I say.->Yogurt - 10c1-2]]](stop:)]
We settle up, leave the diner, and she's gone, a flash of dark hair swishing out behind the door of a bus that pulls away with a hydaulic groan.
My stomach rumbles, and I turn to walk back home, my shoes hollowly clicking on the pavement.
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[//end.//->Menu]]](stop:)]
She's back on me, her hands and fingers now grabbing me harder, pulling at skin, at fat, her tongue deep, every part of her ravenous and I'm dazed, shocked by how good it feels to be picked completely clean. Her moans reach every part of me, and I can feel her shiver as I grab her arms, hold her wrists, and bite (click-replace:"bite")[suck] (click-replace:"suck")[lick] (click-replace:"lick")[kiss] her [[lips.->Yogurt - 10c1-2a]]
Maybe I'll call her tomorrow. Or is it three days? I haven't been single in awhile.
I make a coffee (with milk and sugar) and get ready to leave for work.
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[//end.//->Menu]]](stop:)]
I won't call her the next day. I never do. Easier this way. I'm starving, but am too tired to get up just yet. So I stay in bed.
Eventually, I get up. Make a coffee (black) and get ready to leave for work.
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[//end.//->Menu]]](stop:)]
At home, I put on an oversized sweater and boxer shorts. The sweater is from a company I used to work at. It was always too big for me. It reminds me of being wrapped in blankets.
[["Fuck," I say, to no one.->Yogurt - 10b1-7]]
I get up.
Stare in my fridge.
Then close it as my stomach growls. I rub my stomach gently, absentmindedly. The taste of the apples and honey still coats my mouth. Or maybe I'm just imagining that.
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[//end.//->Menu]]](stop:)]
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!" she says. "Grab a coffee, go for a walk?"
I smile. She settles up the bill, I hold the door open, and we leave together.
Outside, my head instantly clears. The breeze is nice. I take a deep breath. Okay. This is okay. [[I can do this.->Yogurt - 10b2-1-2]]
We talk. About all the things I couldn't concentrate on while we were eating. We joke. Or, she tells me jokes and I laugh. Really laugh.
She takes me to a park, and we sit on the grass. Instantly, her hands get to work. Pulling up blades of grass, dissecting them, tossing them aside before pulling up more. There's a care to her movements, in a way. She concentrates on each blade, watches it intently as she segments it. I have an easier time listening to her, [[watching her play with the grass this way.->Yogurt - 10b2-1-2a0]]
She ends up walking me [[all the way home.->Yogurt - 10b2-1-3a]]
She doesn't kiss me goodbye, but we wave.
I get inside. Throw away my coffee cup and head to the kitchen. I'm starving. Nothing much is my fridge, just some leftover pizza. Salty to counter the overwhelming sweetness of the yogurt parfait and my sweet coffee. I eat the pizza, cold, leaning against my kitchen counter.
Small steps, I think. Small steps.
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[//end.//->Menu]]](stop:)]
=><=
//Thursday//
[[//(current-time: )//->Yogurt - 1]]
=><=
(live: 2s)[(transition:"dissolve")[grab](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(transition:"dissolve")[hold](stop:)]
(live: 4s)[(transition:"dissolve")[panic](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[breathe](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[(transition:"dissolve")[suck](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"dissolve")[lick](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"dissolve")[exhale](stop:)]
(live: 9s)[(transition:"dissolve")[panic](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[she grabs (my tits)](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"dissolve")[she grabs (my stomach)](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"dissolve")[panic](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[["Wait."->Yogurt - 10b1-4]]](stop:)]
=><=
(live: 3s)[(transition:"dissolve")[smile](stop:)]
(live: 4s)[(transition:"dissolve")[smile](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[raise fork (her)](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[(transition:"dissolve")[smile (me)](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"dissolve")[eat (her)](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"dissolve")[raise spoon (me)](stop:)]
(live: 9s)[(transition:"dissolve")[smile (her)](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[look down at plate (her)](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"dissolve")[eat (me)](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[repeat->Yogurt - 8 ]]](stop:)]
=><=
(live: 3s)[(transition:"dissolve")["Hey, what's a benefit to living in Sweden?" she asks.](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[I stare at her, raise my eyebrows.](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"dissolve")[She shows me her phone. "The flag's a big plus."](stop:)]
(live: 9s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[["Wow." I say, grinning. "A+ Dad joke."->Yogurt - 10b2-1-3]]](stop:)]
=><=
(live: 3s)[(transition:"dissolve")[She says, "This was really nice."](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[I nod and smile. "Yeah."](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"dissolve")["I'll call you?"](stop:)]
(live: 9s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[["I'd like that."->Yogurt - 10b2-1-4]]](stop:)]
=><=
(live: 3s)[(transition:"dissolve")["Want to go?" I ask.](stop:)]
(live: 4s)[(transition:"dissolve")["Yeah."](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(transition:"dissolve")["Um, I live alone."](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[(transition:"dissolve")["Great. I don't."](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"dissolve")["So. That settles that.](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"dissolve")["Yeah."](stop:)]
(live: 9s)[(transition:"dissolve")["I have tea. And coffee."](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[She laughs.](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"dissolve")[She grins.](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"dissolve")["I'm still hungry," she says.](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[(transition:"dissolve")["I...didn't do groceries," I say.](stop:)]
(live: 14s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[["That's not what I had in mind."->Yogurt - 10c1-1]]](stop:)]
=><=
(live: 3s)[(transition:"dissolve")[Her hands will leave marks, she says.](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[This is what I want, I say.](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[Her hands do leave marks.->Yogurt - 10c1-3]]](stop:)]
I look her up and down.
** [["No cheesey pick up line?" I ask.->Yogurt - 10c1]]
** [["They look even better without the shirt on," I say.->Yogurt - 10c2]]
I swallow, ball my fists up, then say,
** [["I'm not very hungry, honestly." I end up lying anyways.->Yogurt - 10b2-1]]
** [["Well, it's getting late."->Yogurt - 10b2-2]]
I nod, quickly at first, then slowly.
"Okay," she says, pushing her plate away from her, her utensils unceremoniously tossed onto the sugary ooze. [["Then let's get out of here."->Yogurt - 10b2-1-1]]
"I'm okay, I just need to go the bathroom," I lie, and then am up and away from the table before I even am fully conscious of my decision.
My body is clammy, and my stomach is turning. The sweet aftertaste of the apples coats my throat and I can barely make it to the stall before throwing up.
I flush, stand up, straighten my shirt, and leave the stall. And [[there she is, her face tightened with that concerned look I know so well.->Yogurt - 10b2-1b-1]]
I say,
** [["Please leave me alone."->Yogurt - 10b2-1b-1-1]]
** [["I'm sorry."->Yogurt - 10b2-1b-1-2]]
We don't talk and we don't say goodbye.
On the bus back home, I stare out the window, the burning taste of regurgitated apples still clotting my throat.
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[//end.//->Menu]]](stop:)]
"Don't apologize," she says, handing me a paper towel.
I smile. Weakly, thankfully.
** [["This was kind of a bust, hey?" I say.->Yogurt - 10b2-1b-1-3a]]
** [["I think I'm going to go home." I apologize.->Yogurt - 10b2-1b-1-1]]
I frown, and ask, "Can I have a redo?"
She smiles back at me, but the corners of her mouth don't fully raise. I know that even if she says yes now, she won't call me. She does say yes, but her smile is small, her eyes are cool.
[[I know how this goes. I'm used to this dance.->Yogurt - 10b2-1b-1-3a1]]
I'm more calm. Her words sink more into me, and I relax. I can hear her. She's talking about school, about this annoying student who always spoke down to her. She wondered what this student was doing now.
We get coffees (mine is sweet, with milk and sugar to make it easier on my stomach), and it settles the hungry growling enough for me to be able [[to enjoy myself.->Yogurt - 10b2-1-2a]]
To her credit, she leaves the bathroom, waits for me at our table. We settle up, split the meal, and I catch her looking at my parfait, at the ooze of honey clotting the pecan wall, the untouched granola.
She knows. [[And I understand.->Yogurt - -10b2-1b-1-3a2]]
At home, I go straight to bed. I don't care what time it is. I let my blankets swallow me, consume me, and I scroll through my Twitter feed, trying to stave off the creeping thoughts, the memory of her cool stare at my still nearly full bowl.
I delete her number from my phone.
(live: 10s)[(transition:"dissolve")[[[//end.//->Menu]]](stop:)]
She sizes me up, her eyes linger a bit longer on my tits. For the first time, I confidently move. I raise my hand, signalling the waitress. She watches the way my arm moves, stretching and tightening the cloth of my shirt.
"May I help you?" the waitress asks.
[["Can we get the cheque?" my date asks, her eyes never leaving mine.->Yogurt - 10c2 - 1]]
I don't know who pays for the cab. We're in the elevator, and she's ripped the front of my shirt, and her mouth covers all of me, warm, wet, desperate.
I fumble with [[my apartment door->Yogurt - 10c2 -2b]] as she has me pinned to the wall beside it.