A Walk

Apologies! Your web browser lacks required capabilities. Please consider upgrading it or switching to a more modern web browser.

Initializing. Please wait…

You <<if $dream == 1>>abrubtly <</if>>wake up around 10 in the morning<<if $dream == 1>> after that crazy dream<</if>><<if $ohNo == 1>>, head pounding<</if>><<if $robbery is "yes">>, pillow still stained with tears<</if>>, greeted by the sun's warm light coming in through the window and the sounds of the city. Cars honking, dogs barking, particularly enterprising drug addicts, etc. You lazily roll over to double-check the calendar for the day. No errands, no projects. It seems like a great day to go for a walk. You slide the covers off, yawn, and stand yourself up. <<if $ohNo == 1>>You're definitely not going out naked again.<</if>> It takes a few seconds to mosey over to the closet and swing the door open. "Hm, what will I wear today?" [[A dapper suit|Wake2Grn]] [[Jeans and a T-Shirt|Wake2Jns]] [[Basic Sundress|Wake2Sun]] <<if $ohNo is 0>>[[Fuck it. Don't wear anything!|Wake2Not]]<</if>> /* if $dog == 1, maybe have it come in unexpectedly later. */

A Walk by some fucking hack (aka Kevin Fowler ((aka Hitrison (((aka Liam Nixon))) [[Let's do this|Wake]] <<set $ohNo to 0>>

You carefully pull out a fine brown suit, complete with a green bowtie, pocket watch, and what the hell, a bowler hat! Very nice, you dandy you! You shuffle over to the bathroom and close the door. Preparation for the day has begun: brush teeth, take shit and/or shower, dress. You exit the bathroom feeling refreshed and ready to start the day! Well, almost. We still need to eat, after all. [[What do we have in the cupboard...|Bfst-House]] [[Let's go get something|Bfst-Out]] <<set $clothing to "grn">> <<set $dream to 0>>

Keeping it simple. Band logo optional and only limited by your imagination. Easy-peasy and gender-neutral. Oh the possibilities! You shuffle over to the bathroom and close the door. Preparation for the day has begun: brush teeth, take shit and/or shower, dress. You exit the bathroom feeling refreshed and ready to start the day! Well, almost. We still need to eat, after all. [[What do we have in the cupboard...|Bfst-House]] [[Let's go get something|Bfst-Out]] <<set $clothing to "jns">> <<set $dream to 0>>

A basic, yellow sundress sounds perfect for today! You shuffle over to the bathroom and close the door. Preparation for the day has begun: brush teeth, take shit and/or shower, dress. You exit the bathroom feeling refreshed and ready to start the day! Well, almost. We still need to eat, after all. [[What do we have in the cupboard...|Bfst-House]] [[Let's go get something|Bfst-Out]] <<set $clothing to "sun">> <<set $dream to 0>>

No one can hold you down! You decide it's the day to make your statement on society's morals and just forgo clothing altogether. I respect the commitment. You shuffle over to the bathroom and close the door. Preparation for the day has begun: brush teeth, take shit and/or shower, dress. You exit the bathroom feeling refreshed and ready to start the day! Well, almost. We still need to eat, after all. [[What do we have in the cupboard...|Bfst-House]] [[Let's go get something|Bfst-Out]] <<set $clothing to "not">> <<set $dream to 0>>

There's plenty to eat here. You ransack the cupboards and refrigerator for something to eat, and decide to go all out! Every concievable ingredient and appliance is now out and on display like some kind of weird food pageant, so you frantically start throwing as many ingredients together as you can and start cooking. The sounds and smells of delicious breakfast foods are overwhelming, and soon you have a veritable feast. Waffles, hashbrowns, fruit, omelettes, cold pizza. You're gonna eat like royalty! But wait, now this is too much food for one player character. What do you want to do with the excess? [[Gluttonize yourself!|glut]] [[Invite some folks up!|party]] <<set $bfst to 0>>

It's such a lovely day that it would be a shame to spend the time indoors cooking. Maybe you can go to that open-air breakfast place to the west. Or the other one, conveniently in the other direction. You lazily make your way over to the door where your shoes are and lean down. The shoes slide on easily. With a flick of a switch the lights are off, and you're out the door. You step down the spiral staircase and walk out the passage onto the street. Now, here comes the question every choose-your-own-adventure author has written at some point... [[East...|East]] [[...or west|West]] <<set $bfst to 1>>

You know what? Fuck 'em. Everyone. This breakfast is for you! There's so much excitement and adrenaline coursing through you over this delicious feast that you don't even take time to get a plate. You find a fork in the drawer and vacuum as much of the food into your face as you can in one sitting until you feel like you're about to pop. CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! Your stomach is packed, and it hurts so good! <<if $clothing is "grn">>So much, in fact, that you need to loosen your belt up a couple notches. A wave of chillness runs through your body as you do so.<</if>><<if $clothing is "jns">>So much, in fact, that you need to loosen your belt up a couple notches. A wave of chillness runs through your body as you do so.<</if>> [[It's time for a nap!|GetShoes]] <<set $glut to 1>> /*FIX THAT IF STATEMENT*/

This feast is to be shared! You excitedly open the window and shout to the world, "HEY EVERYONE, BREAKFAST PARTY UP HERE!" Within minutes, your apartment is filled with all kinds of folks. Neighbors, friends, random people who happened to be walking down your block at the same time you were shouting at them are all now helping you finish this breakfast. What a wonderful way to start your day. After a couple hours of eating and chatting, everyone has left with satisfied stomachs. Don't worry about those dishes. Imagine it's the future and you have dish washing robots. This is pure fiction without many details. Feel free to embellish. <<if $clothing is "not">>It's weird that no one mentioned your nudity. Whatever, <</if>>[[It's time to go for that walk|GetShoes]]

<><<if $glut == 1>>Aaahh, that was a refreshing nap. It's now 12:45. Time to go for that walk! <</if>><>You lazily make your way over to the door where your shoes are and lean down. The shoes slide on easily. With a flick of a switch the lights are off, and you're out the door. You step down the winding staircase and walk out the passage onto the street. Now, here comes the question every choose-your-own-adventure author has written at some point... [[East...|East]] [[...or west|West]]

<<if $clothing is "not">> The pride at stepping outside naked lasts approximately 30 seconds. You were gonna change the face of social morality and expectations, but now all you can feel are the daggers being stared deep into your skin. Old ladies gasp. Drinks fall to the ground and shatter. A young, Victorian woman faints. Soon you find yourself coated in cold sweat. You manage to make one full circle around your apartment building before you can't take it any longer. You run back through the passage and up the stairs, past your neighbor's stupid kid who starts cackling maniacally at you. These stairs seem 1000 stories high right now. You finally make it back to the safety of your apartment. Well, relative safety. You can hear the neighbor's kid knocking at your door and making fun of you in between fits of laughter. The little asshole. The stress is too much, so you down bottle after bottle of liquor until you [[pass out.|Wake]] <<set $ohNo to 1>> <<else>> You take the first step onto the sidewalk and heel-turn east. This neighborhood is pretty docile, but today it's downright serene. There are old ladies watering plants and everyone seems to be out walking their dogs. <<if $ohNo == 1>>Of course, because of your stunt yesterday, no one is speaking to you. That hardly matters, though; it's a beautiful day!<</if>> So you begin leisurely walking east, basking in the warm, dry air while slowly passing countless colorful buildings. The repetition makes it feel almost as though you're slipping into a bit of a trance. It feels like you could walk these streets forever. <<if $bfst == 1>>Your stomach disagrees, however. Breakfast is the priority right now.<<else>>Everything is tranquil, perhaps too tranquil. A thought then occurs to you: a bit of shopping would be fun!/*God I hate this part*/<</if>> You cut down a tree-lined side street to the right, passing the odd bicyclist zipping by, and take a left onto Utca Street. As far as the eye can see, the street is lined with shops and restaurants catering to every conceivable clientele one can imagine. Every now and then you run across a store that is so filled with fascinating items you can't help but peer into the windows. <<if $bfst == 1>>A loud GURGLE! ruptures the air. "Oh man, I'm starving," you say to yourself while eyeing some cooking equipment you don't really need. Luckily, you're already next door to a sweet breakfast place, "Chez Restaurant." The smells emanating from the ever-so-inviting-and-already-open door are unbelievable! [[It's like your feet have already carried you inside of their own volition.|RestaurantEast]] <<else>> Peering into a hip record store, you shout, "oh man, is that a mint, original pressing of Dick Kicker's self-titled album, featuring the title track, 'Dick Kicker!?" [[You MUST have it!|Record]] <</if>><</if>>

<<if $clothing is "not">> The pride at stepping outside naked lasts approximately 30 seconds. You were gonna change the face of social morality and expectations, but it doesn't seem like you're the right person for this. All you can think about is how pissed everyone looks. So pissed, in fact, that they begin throwing tomatoes at you. Only a few at first, but gradually there are so many tomatoes flying that you can no longer dodge them. A chorus of boos erupts, adding insult to injury. You are now completely covered in tomato juice. It's in your mouth, eyes, and parts unmentionable. This part is especially effective if you hate tomatoes. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. A cop with a tired expression breaks through the crowd and approaches you. The cop is remarkably lenient with you. He can tell you bit off more than you can chew, so instead of arresting you, he lets you off with a warning, escorts you through the crowd and tells you to go home. The walk home seems to take years. At least the neighbor's obnoxious brat isn't loitering outside the building when you get there. Unfortunately, their windows are open, and you can hear them laughing at you as you attempt (unsuccessfully) to skulk past. You manage the climb to your apartment and wash off the tomato-slime you're coated in. You need to get drunk and forget about today, so you go through a few bottles until you [[black out.|Wake]] Oh, and you definitely cried in the shower.<<elseif $bfst == 1>>The wind feels good as it blows through your hair. You walk leisurely past rows of countless colorful buildings and friendly people on your way to the restaurant. Step by step you get closer, and as you approach the smells get stronger and stronger until it's in sight. Not a second too soon, either, your stomach is growling! The restaurant is not crowded at all, so you quickly get a seat and enjoy a delicious, peaceful breakfast of whatever you can imagine. Unfortunately, the peacfulness is broken all too soon! In a flash someone knocks over a haggard old man and makes off in your direction with his wallet! You barely have time to register what happened as the robber whizzes by you. Without any thought or hesitation, you give chase and follow this asshole. He's pretty slippery, heading into a crowded market nearby to lose you. It's difficult to keep an eye on this guy while slaloming through the crowd, but you manage to catch up to him. He notices you right behind him and knocks over a conveniently placed apple cart. In a daring display of acrobatics, you avoid the improvised trap by leaping over it and landing right on the robber's back, slamming him into the ground. It looks like he's been knocked unconscious by the fall, so you take the wallet and [[make your way back to the old man.|West2]]<<elseif $bfst != 1>>The wind feels good as it blows through your hair. You walk leisurely past rows of countless colorful buildings and friendly people, stopping to say hello or pet a friendly dog every few blocks or so. Everything is pleasant and after a while you lose track of how far you've walked, so you stop off at a park to relax. Unfortunately, the peacfulness is broken all too soon! In a flash someone knocks over a haggard old man and makes off in your direction with his wallet! You barely have time to register what happened as the robber whizzes by you. Without any thought or hesitation, you give chase and follow this asshole. He's pretty slippery, heading into a crowded market nearby to lose you. It's difficult to keep an eye on this guy while slaloming through the crowd, but you manage to catch up to him. He notices you right behind him and knocks over a conveniently placed apple cart. In a daring display of acrobatics, you avoid the improvised trap by leaping over it and landing right on the robber's back, slamming him into the ground. It looks like he's been knocked unconscious by the fall, so you take the wallet and [[make your way back to the old man.|West2]] <</if>>

Blah blah, you ate some food. Too distracted to write this section. Sorry. You step out of the restaurant, belly filled. <<if $giftcard == 1>>Thank god for that free breakfast giftcard Freund gave you!<<else>>That was probably way too much money, you figure, but totally worth it.<</if>> You cut back down a side street on your way to the park near your apartment building. Back through the rows of colorful, pleasant houses. Back into the walk-induced hypnosis. The neighborhood seems...different now. Maybe you're just not paying attention, but it seems there aren't as many people out, and it's very quiet to be in the middle of a city. And did you really walk this far from home? Odd. At any rate, it just feels so nice and relaxing to keep walking and walking... The sky is dark when you snap out of the trance. After staring dumbly into the night the realization hits that you walked right out of the city and into the desert without even dropping your record off at home! Crazy! You know what's even crazier than unknowingly walking out of a large city? The bizarre, disc-shaped building that's directly in front of you. You can't make out any details of the facility in the darkness, but you can see that it's about the size of a two-story house, and that a ramp is extended. You can practically hear the theremin music now. [[I mean, you gotta see what's on that ship, right?|UFO1a]] [[Or at least call out and see if anyone responds|UFO1b]] [[Nope. Hell nope. Let's go home|WalkHome][$hesitate to 0]] /* CHECK PARITY BETWEEN THIS AND THE OTHER SHIP DESCRIPTION FOR WHEN YOU BUY A RECORD, FUCK HEAD */

Blah blah, you buy a rare, hilariously titled record. Too distracted to write this section. Sorry. You step out of the store with your new acquisition. That was probably way too much money, you figure, but totally worth it. You cut back down a side street on your way to drop this record at home. Back through the rows of colorful, pleasant houses. Back into the walk-induced hypnosis. The neighborhood seems...different now. There aren't many people out, and it's very quiet to be in the middle of a city. And did you really walk this far from home? Odd. At any rate, it just feels so nice and relaxing to keep walking and walking... The sky is dark when you snap out of the trance. After staring dumbly into the night the realization hits that you walked right out of the city and into the desert without even dropping your record off at home! Crazy! You know what's even crazier than unknowingly walking out of a large city? The bizarre, disc-shaped building that's directly in front of you. You can't make out any details of the facility in the darkness, but you can see that it's about the size of a two-story house, and that a ramp is extended. You can practically hear the theremin music now. [[I mean, you gotta see what's on that ship, right?|UFO1a][$hesitate to 0]] [[Or at least call out and see if anyone responds.|UFO1b]] [[Nope. Hell nope. Let's go home.|WalkHome][$hesitate to 0]] <<set $record to 1>>

You <<if $hesitate == 1>>hesitantly <<else>>confidently <</if>>move towards the ship and walk up the ramp into the light. Inside, there is just barely enough room for you to stand upright. You are surrounded by highly organized rows of consoles, computers, monitors, and blinking lights, with one blank patch of wall at the other end of the room. The equipment is being manned by small, orb-shaped, thigh-high creatures with three thin tendrils protruding from one side. They resemble peeled grapes with pits. This is nothing shy of unbelievable. Looking down, you see an alien waving for you to level with it. You bend down, and as soon as your knee touches the cold metal of the floor, the creature puts something up to your ear, which latches on and slides inside. Reflexively, you leap to your feet in sheer panic, only to hit your head on the low ceiling. You cry out in pain, and fall backwards, nearly landing on a few of the aliens. "Calm yourself, human! That was only a universal auto-translator." "A what?" "It's called a babble chip. It automatically translates any incoming language into your native tongue." "What?" "Oh dear, this one must be broken!" <<if $hesitate == 1>>[["Oh my god, what's happening to me?!"|UFO2b]] <<else>>[["Oh no, it definitely works. I just can't believe a goddamn thing that's happened in the last minute!"|UFO2a]]<</if>> /* Fix that tendril description. */

You call out into the mysterious light of the ship, "hello, is anybody out there?" You <<if $record == 1>>clutch your Dick Kicker LP tight and <</if>>take a hesitant step forward. The bright light makes it impossible to glean any information about who might be inside. "Hello," you utter through quivering lips. After a moment, a deep, computerized voice cuts through the silence: "Yes, hello human! The power of our hypnosis-beam led you here. Please come inside." "What do you want from me?" "Come aboard and we can explain why you are here. It's a long story. Just know that you are critical to our continued survival!" What do you think? [[Board the ship|UFO1a]] [[Nope. Hell nope.|WalkHome]] <<set $hesitate to 1>>

You turn around to walk home. A voice echoes through the desert air, beckoning you to turn around... <<if $hesitate == 0>>...you know what, fuck you. After a long, tiresome walk, you, clearly too-cool-for-school, manage to make it home, but not before some particularly enterprising drug addicts attempt to steal your<<if $record == 1>> record<<else>> money<</if>>. It's bad enough they were going to <<if $record == 1>>take that rare Dick Kicker LP, but in the scuffle it was broken in half<<else>>rob you anyway, but in the scuffle all your cash and credit cards fell into a nearby drain<</if>>. Way to go, idiot. You would do something about it, but you're too chickenshit to fight bad guys or go on adventures, so instead they get away laughing. After this terrible turn of events, you make it home and [[cry yourself to sleep.|Wake]] Oh, what a benevolent narrator I am, giving you second chances and shit.<<set $robbery to "yes">><</if>> <<if $hesitate == 1>>[[Something else happens.|Wake]]<</if>>

"Ha ha, that's perfectly okay, human. This is a lot for you to take in, so let me explain. We are Fipplings, a species from a far-away planet called Nontellus, and members of a small scientific enclave on that planet. You may call me Freund. We have recently developed a portal projector that allows us to instantly travel distant locations, enabling us to come here and study your planet without any need for propulsion-based space travel." "That's an unbelievably fascinating infodump, but what do you need me for?" "Splitting our time between here and our home has caused us to ignore a critical weakness in our headquarters, and now it's overrun with venom-spitting carnivorous plants that exist on our world. They've already killed so many of our best and brightest, and if we go back now, we'll surely join them. Now, do not ask how we know this, but the poison these plants spit does not affect humans. We need you to go to our homeworld and destroy these plants. Then we can return and continue our studies." "So you want me to kill a bunch of deadly plants? That sounds pretty rad! Do I get a weapon?" "Of course! We've redesigned one of our laser guns to fit your human hands." As Freund is telling you this, it pulls a sleek looking laser pistol out of a box and hands it to you. [["Let's do this!"|UFO3]] /* confident */

"Please, you must calm down! This is a lot for you to take in, so let me explain. Freund then motions for you to sit down, allowing you to take a moment and process what's happening. "We are Fipplings, a species from a far-away planet called Nontellus, and members of a small scientific enclave on that planet. You may call me Freund. We have recently developed a portal projector that allows us to instantly travel distant locations, enabling us to come here and study your planet without any need for propulsion-based space travel." "That's an unbelievable infodump, but what do you need me for?" "Splitting our time between here and our home has caused us to ignore a critical weakness in our headquarters, and now it's overrun with venom-spitting carnivorous plants that exist on our world. They've already killed so many of our best and brightest, and if we go back now, we'll surely join them. Now, do not ask how we know this, but the poison these plants spit does not affect humans. We need you to go to our homeworld and destroy these plants. Then we can return and continue our studies." "So you want me to kill a bunch of deadly plants? I don't know if I'm the right person for this. Maybe you could find someone else?" We thought you might be nervous, so we've redesigned one of our laser guns to fit your human hands. This should make swift work of any plants you come across" As Freund is telling you this, it pulls a sleek looking laser pistol out of a box and hands it to you. [["Okay, I can do this..."|UFO3]] /* hesitant */

Freund rolls over to a small, cube-shaped device with all kinds of knobs and small keypad on the side. While examining the alien hardware, it types something into the machine and turns a dial, which projects a large, swirling purple and black portal onto an empty section of wall at the far-end of this facility. "When you return, we will have something special for you." <<if $record == 1>>"Sounds good, now hold my Dick Kicker record while I'm gone." <<else>>"Um, okay," you sheepishly reply.<</if>> <<if $hesitate == 1>>Slowly and cautiously you step<<else>>Excitedly you run<</if>> toward the portal spinning on the wall. There's no telling what will be on the other side, and the <<if $hesitate == 1>>anxiety<<else>>thrill<</if>> of being the first human to see another planet is almost too much to bear. A couple of things are certain: you will never forget this... ...and no one will ever believe you! As you approach the portal you take a deep breath, close your eyes, and [[jump through.|Enclave1]]

Okay, so maybe jumping was not the way to go. The portal opens up into a closet, and you slam face-first into a door. In addition, the gravity on this planet is stronger, so landing on your ass hurts a bit more. Freund could have warned you! After picking yourself up and shaking off the pain, you pause to listen and get some idea of the situation on the other side. Through the metal you hear a lot of clanging, banging, and...chewing? It sounds like they're eating something. Occasionally a startling, monstrous snarl erupts. It's pretty <<if $hesitate == 1>>terrifying<<else>>surprising<</if>> because you didn't think a plant monster would make those kinds of noises. Fortunately they don't seem to have noticed you. How are you going to approach this? [[Crack open the door and survey the room.|Room1PEEK]] [[Open the door and take the nearest cover.|Room1OPEN]] <<if $hesitate == 0>>[[GAAAH ROID RAGE!|Room1ROID]] <<elseif $hesitate == 1>>[[Cower in fear.|Room1CWR]]<</if>> /* -Maybe you should DESCRIBE WHAT THE GODDAMN PLANTS LOOK LIKE, ASSHOLE! -Building is quite large -Goddammit */

You ever-so-gently crack open the door to get a picture of what's happening. The door squeaks a bit as you open it, but they don't seem to notice anything. This fairly large room houses a lot of computer equipment, all perpendicular to the wall you're peering out of, with a few windows at the opposite end looking out over the landscape and a door on the righthand wall near them. On either side of the room are workstations, cluttered with all manner of high-tech, indescribably alien lab equipment. Directly in front of you is a long table with a number of bulky computer terminals and odd keyboards with widely-spaced keys, perfect for tendril typing. To the right, and ironically the most underwhelming part of the room, is the actual supercomputer. It's as if you blew up a 1990's Packard Bell computer tower and dropped it in the middle of a room, with the wires from the back running into the floor. The only positive thing you can say about its body is that it's tall enough to give you some cover. A lot of the room is coated and splattered with a thick, green goo that's flecked with thick, rubbery material. You might be wondering what that goo could be, but at the workstation to your left a plant is chowing down on a large mound of the stuff, and you can see that it's the remains of a Fippling. It's split open down the middle and the plant has its head gluttonously buried in the remains. To the right you can definitely hear more plants in that direction, though they're hidden by the archaic supercomputer. How are you gonna handle this? [[Aim for the left most plant from the safety of the closet.|Room1AIM]] [[Open the door and take the nearest cover.|Room1OPEN]] /* Maybe have a moment where you can look out the window */

You open the door up to get a picture of what's happening. This fairly large room houses a lot of computer equipment, all perpendicular to the wall you're peering out of, with a few windows at the opposite end looking out over the landscape and a door on the righthand wall near them. On either side of the room are workstations, cluttered with all manner of high-tech, indescribably alien lab equipment. Directly in front of you is a long table with a number of bulky computer terminals and odd keyboards with widely-spaced keys, perfect for tendril typing. To the right, and ironically the most underwhelming part of the room, is the actual supercomputer. It's as if you blew up a 1990's Packard Bell computer tower and dropped it in the middle of a room, with the wires from the back running into the floor. The only positive thing you can say about its body is that it's tall enough to give you some cover. A lot of the room is coated and splattered with a thick, green goo that's flecked with thick, rubbery material. You might be wondering what that goo could be, but at the workstation to your left a thin, armless, human-height plant is bent over and chowing down on a large mound of the stuff, and you can see that it's the remains of a Fippling, split open down the middle, and the plant has its head gluttonously buried in the remains. The plant has a few leaves hanging off of its stalk, and is standing on a couple of wide leaves protruding from a bulbous bottom. You quietly run in between the terminals and the supercomputer, staying low to maintain cover. It looks like they haven't noticed you. Peering around the corner at the far end of the supercomputer you see two more plants on the right side of the room, also snacking on the remains of some very unlucky Fipplings. What's next? [[Shoot left.|Room1ShootLeft]] [[Shoot right.|Room1ShootRight][$leftDead to 0]]

Why did you choose this option? It's not very epic. You're supposed to be the Fipplings' hero, the savior, the white knight! Whatever. Unable to accept reality, you back against a wall and slide down into a trembling fetal position and cry. After quite a bit of time, you regain your composure and stand back up, ready to [[face the music.|Enclave1][$hesitate to 2]]

You tense your hand around the laser pistol as you open the door up a bit, and take aim at the visible plant. After a moment's hesitation, you fire a blast. Strange, the gun doesn't recoil or make any noise. <<if $hesitate == 1>>Oh my god!<<else>>Neat!<</if>> What <<if $hesitate == 0>>terrible<</if>> technology! You did miss, though, and blasted a huge, black crater in the wall in front of the plant instead. Smoke rises from the hole, and melted bits of equipment now lay scattered on the floor. Can these plants hear anything? You take a glance down and feel the now-warm barrel of the gun. This alien tech is nothing shy of <<if $hesitate == 1>>terrifying<<else>>amazing<</if>>. You lift the gun up and raise your head to take another shot. The last thing you see is a horrible, plant monster making an open-jawed beeline right for you at terrifying speed. You take a panicked shot, miss again, and blast the ceiling before you are gruesomely torn apart and eaten by the plant. You are dead, and since you left the closet door open and the portal exposed, the plants cross over and terrorize the Earth! [[Hey, did you step into an episode of 'Dallas?'|Wake]] <<set $dream to 1>> /* -Rewrite the end */

With your back against the supercomputer, you lift the gun and take aim. After a few seconds tracking the large head of the plant, you take a deep breath and fire. Direct hit! Strangely, the gun doesn't recoil or make any noise. <<if $hesitate == 1>>Oh my god!<<else>>Neat!<</if>> What <<if $hesitate == 1>>terrible<</if>> technology! The plant barely has time to cry out before it's reduced to a pile of ash on the floor. <<if $hesitate == 0>>Good riddance!<</if>> It's a sure bet, though, that the other plants noticed their comrade's brief death cry. You turn to look around the corner and see the others...actually don't seem that concerned with it, and just keep on eating. [[Only two left in this room.|Room1ShootRight][$leftDead to 1]] /* Work on the action writing */

This shot is going to be a bit awkward. You slink quiletly around the corner and get a good, clear shot of the plants. While they are frantically eating Fippling goo and guts, you raise your cannon and take a shot. The silent laser beam hits its mark and gives the first plant an unexpected cremation. The second barely has time to register what happened before you expertly shift your aim to the side a bit and land another impressive, direct hit. Two piles of ash now occupy the floorspace where the plants were. <<if $leftDead == 1>>With this room cleared, you take the opportunity to catch your breath, calm down, and survey the landscape outside of the window. It appears this facility is built into the side of a mountain. Through the window you look down into a fairly steep drop that must be a few thousand meters to the ground. Taking a longer view, however, reveals a large, classic-looking mountain range with snowcapped peaks and deep valleys. On the whole, though, this planet seems remarkably Earthlike, though you can see the odd flying...thing. Well, the fauna is pretty weird. You are now officially calm. <<if $hesitate == 1>>Well, as calm as you're gonna get, anyway.<</if>> It's time to [[Check the hall.|HallOpen]] <<elseif $leftDead == 0>>You around just in time to see that the final plant has noticed you and is preparing to run for you. However, these plants are unexpectedly fast, and before you can aim properly the plant has knocked you back against the workstation, sending your gun flying across the room (but not before you accidentally pull the trigger and blast the window open), along with a lot of experimental equipment and materials and liquids. You need to act fast! [[Improvise a weapon.|Room1WPN]] [[Try to kill the plant with your hands.|Room1HAND]] <<set $ammo -= 3>> <</if>>

It takes a lot of strengh to keep this plant arms-length from you face, but you have to do something. You let go with one hand and reach around for something you can use for a weapon. Nothing around looks particularly heavy or sharp enough to make an effective weapon, but out of the corner of your eye you see a glass beaker that's spilled some of its purple liquid. The liquid is eating through the metal! You make a desperate attempt to reach for the glass container, feeling globs of the plant's venom dripping onto your face as it inches closer to your own. Just as the plant is in biting range of your face, you manage to grab the beaker and throw the contents right in the plant's mouth! The plant wrenches back off of you and makes a horrible screaming sound, running around the room and knocking more shit on the ground. As the plant is slowly burning to death, you decide to do the merciful thing and put it out of its misery. You retrieve you laser pistol and blast the plant into oblivion. With this room cleared, you take the opportunity to catch your breath, calm down, and survey the landscape outside of the window. It appears this facility is built into the side of a mountain. Through the window you look down into a fairly steep drop that must be a few thousand meters to the ground. Taking a longer view, however, reveals a large, classic-looking mountain range with snowcapped peaks and deep valleys. On the whole, though, this planet seems remarkably Earthlike, though you can see the odd flying...thing. Well, the fauna is pretty weird. You are now officially calm. <<if $hesitate == 1>>Well, as calm as you're gonna get, anyway.<</if>> It's time to [[Check the hall|HallOpen]]

It takes most of your strength to keep the plant arms-length away from your face. Long strands of purple plant venom are dripping onto you as the plant is inching its way closer and closer to its goal, it's jaw frantically and repeatedly slamming shut. You have a risky idea, and in a sudden burst of desperation and adrenaline, you let go and grab the plant by jaws. Sharp spines pierce into your hand, but you don't notice the pain. In a burst of strength, you manage to pull the jaws apart, tearing the plant's head in half and leaving the jaws dangling uselessly on either side of the stalk. It convulses and screams on the ground for a few moments until movement suddenly stops. The plant is dead. With this room cleared, you take the opportunity to retrieve your pistol, catch your breath, calm down, and survey the landscape through the now shattered window. It appears this facility is built into the side of a mountain. Through the window you can feel the cold, dry air, and look down into a fairly steep drop that must be a few thousand meters to the ground. Taking a longer view, however, reveals a large, classic-looking mountain range with snowcapped peaks and deep valleys. On the whole, though, this planet seems remarkably Earthlike, though you can see the odd flying...thing. Well, the fauna is pretty weird. <<if $clothing is "grn">>Also, this suit has been ruined.<</if>> You are now officially calm. <<if $hesitate == 1>>Well, as calm as you're gonna get, anyway.<</if>> It's time to [[Check the hall|HallOpen]] <<set $bloodied to 1>>

You walk over to the only door leading out of the room. Pressing the button beside the door causes it to silently open vertically, revealing a longish, L-shaped hallway with windows along the lefthand walls. The floor and lower half of the walls are liberally coated in the gooey remains of Fippling scientists. These guys really must really suck at self-defense. Also, there's another fucking Fippling-guts-covered plant immediately on the other side of the door, jaws agape! Surprise! You can't even open a door in this place! What now? [[Close the door on it.|HallDoor]] [[Blast it!|HallBlast]]

You time it just right, so that when the plant is crossing the threshold, you can activate the door and smash it. Success! Except, instead of smashing the plant, the door cuts right down the middle, and the two halves fall limply to the ground. Also cool. Now all that's left in here is the plant at the other end of the hallway, which you can see through the series of windows. How are you going to take the second plant? [[A plan so crazy, it just might work.|HallMelt]] [[Just go fucking shoot it.|HallBlast2]] /* Imagery, motherfucker, do you speak it? */

<<if $bloodied == 1>> The ravenous plant is gunning for you, running on pure instinct. You're a lot faster with the gun than it is, but your hand is also still bloody from fighting the other plant, so when you lift you gun to aim, it slips out of your hand and hits the oncoming plant right in the jaw. It's only momentarily stunned before it resumes its full-speed run. That moment allowed you to hatch a plan, though. You stand your ground, waiting on the plant to reach you. As soon as the plant is close enough to take a bite, you grab it by the stalk and lift it over your head. While it's helplessly wriggling like an eel in your hands, you walk over to the window and throw the plant out. Looking down through the shattered glass, you see that the plant did not even reach the ground. One of those odd flying bird-things (use your imagination) caught it. Good riddance! <<else>>The ravenous plant is gunning for you, running on pure instinct. You're a lot faster with the gun than it is, though. In one smooth motion you lift the gun, aim, and blast it into dust. This one didn't even scream, so the other plant at the end of the hall doesn't suspect a thing!<</if>> How are you going to take the second plant? [[A plan so crazy, it just might work.|HallMelt]] [[Just go fucking shoot it.|HallBlast2]]

"I wonder what this laser gun will do to glass," you ask yourself while simultaneously lifting up the gun as if that question couldn't possibly be rhetorical. You aim at the last plant as it's eating and pull the trigger. The gun noiselessly goes off (you'll never get used to that), and the glass in both window panes melts onto the floor and down the side of the building. Cool! Oh, and the plant was vaporized. The breeze coming through the window feels good, and the view is beautiful as ever, but the mission must go on. Strange aliens you've known for a whole five minutes are counting on you! Nested in the elbow of the hall are two more doors, both of which are locked. You stop for a moment at each door and listen for signs of plant activity on the other side, but fortunately, you don't hear anything. There's only one more door at the end of this hallway. As you approach it, you begin to hear some particularly ravenous eating sounds from the other side. This could be nasty. What next? [[Open the door and run in guns-a-blazing.|Room2Guns]] [[Open the door and lure the plants out.|Room2Lure]]

Since the plant is still unaware of your presence, you decide to just walk over and shoot it. You get halfway down the side of the hall you're on, when inexplicably, you decide it would be badass to slide Risky Business style on some Fippling guts and shoot the plant that way. As you approach the corner, you pick up speed, hop, and attempt to slide in sideways like a boss, only to fall face-first like a jackass. Now your head is pounding, you're covered in Fippling bits<<if $bloodied == 1>> and your own blood <<if $clothing is "grn">>(THIS SUIT IS RUINED)<</if>>, <</if>>, the second plant now knows you're here, and it wants your bits. Your tasty, tasty bits. What are bits? Don't ask that question, there's a hungry, carnivorous plant running after you. Fortunately, you didn't drop your gun this time. You lift your head up, face the plant, and blast it. You hit it directly, and the plant is no more! Whoo! What now? You pick yourself up and wipe as much of the fippling gunk off of yourself as you can. Nested in the elbow of the hall are two more doors, both of which are locked. You stop for a moment at each door and listen for signs of plant activity on the other side, but fortunately, you don't hear anything. There's only one more door at the end of this hallway. As you approach it, you begin to hear some particularly ravenous eating sounds from the other side. This could be nasty. What next? [[Open the door and run in guns-a-blazing.|Room2Guns]] [[Open the door and lure the plants out.|Room2Lure]]

You sneak up to the door and push the button. This room is a shocking, disgusting mess. Amidst the chaos and gore, a row of computer terminals (probably connected to the supercomputer) are running parallel to the lefthand wall. Along the right side are seven liquid-filled, cylindrical isolation tanks, 3 of which have been busted. The contents of the tanks vary: one contains a tall, thin humanoid alien wearing ballet shoes and a gem in her forehead, one contains a cat, and the farthest container houses a dog (a Welsh Corgi, to be precise), who is actually conscious and seems quite content to be dumbly swimming in circles. The other four tanks, however, contain(ed) humans! There's no time to worry about why they're here, and what the Fipplings might be doing with them, the plants have already broken three of the tanks and are feasting on the remains, which they've scattered throughout the room. The sight is stomach-churning, to say the least. Perhaps most shocking of all, in the far-left corner, is what must be the source of the plant infestation. It is a giant, red and pink flower with an empty center and tendrils invading the walls and flower. As you begin examining the room, a soft, white spore is ejected from the center of the plant and floats onto the floor. These must be how the plants are made. Five (mindlessly aggressive, super-fast) plants might be a bit much. What's next? [[Back out into the hall and wait for them.|Room2Lure2]] <<if $hesitate == 0>>[[Grab some nearby giblets and throw them on a plant as a distraction.|Room2Gibs]]<</if>> <<if $hesitate == 0>>[[ROID RAGE!|Room2ROID]]<</if>>

It sounds crazy in there; lots of rumbling and snarling coming from the other side. You gather up some Fippling remains to use as bait and pile it in front of the door. Hopefully this will lure whatever plants are inside and you can shoot them one at a time. You <<if $hesitate == 1>>anxiously<</if>> sneak up to the door, ready your gun, and press the button. As soon as the door opens up you quickly move back to the elbow of the hall and crouch in wait. It takes a few minutes, but a couple plants take the bait! Not wanting to attract too much attention, you aim carefully, and easily hit both plants. Then...nothing. Nothing else happens as you wait a few minutes, though you can hear other plants in the room. Carefully and slowly, you walk over to the door and step inside. This room is a shocking, disgusting mess. Amidst the chaos and gore, a row of computer terminals (probably connected to the supercomputer) are running parallel to the lefthand wall. Along the right side are seven liquid-filled, cylindrical isolation tanks, 3 of which have been busted. The contents of the tanks vary: one contains a tall, thin humanoid alien wearing ballet shoes and a gem in her forehead, one contains a cat, and the farthest container houses a dog (a Welsh Corgi, to be precise), who is actually conscious and seems quite content to be dumbly swimming in circles. The other four tanks, however, contain(ed) humans! There's no time to worry about why they're here, and what the Fipplings might be doing with them, the plants have already broken three of the tanks and are feasting on the remains, which they've scattered throughout the room. The sight is stomach-churning, to say the least. Perhaps most shocking of all, in the far-left corner, is what must be the source of the plant infestation. It is a giant, red and pink flower with an empty center and tendrils invading the walls and floor. As you begin examining the room, a soft, white spore is ejected from the center of the plant and floats onto the floor. These must be how the plants are made. There are three plants left in this room, and they're looking right at you! What now!? [[Lure them into the hall again.|Room2Lure2]] [[Just blast them!|Room2Blast]]

You quickly back out into the hallway before the plants can start running and wait. After a few seconds the plants pour through the door in slavering anticipation your tasty bits. Fortunately, your plan was a good one, and you easily destroy all the plants, one at a time. You put away your laser gun and step back into the final room, kicking away plant dust on the way. A few of the spores have taken hold on the floor and wall and are already in the beginning to transform into the carnivorous plants you've been dealing with. A few stomps takes care of the spores, no more asshole plants to try and eat you. The plant master is waiting. You step up to the oversized flower and look into its center. Blackness. It almost seemed like this should have some kind of climax, but here's the source of the infestation, sitting dumbly in the corner with no way to fight back. What a bummer. The mood needs to be set, so you think for a moment, using all of your mental faculties to come up with a cool action movie phrase to use before blasting the plant master into oblivion. "Eat laser...asshole!" After a moment of embarrassed silence, you blast it right in the...face...thing. The flower and nearby parts of the tentacles erupt into flame and turn to ash. To make doubly sure that it doesn't return, you meticulously blast every tentacle left in the room until there's nothing left but dust. The mission is over. Freund and the others are waiting for you on the other side of the portal. That dog is still swimming in circles. [[Go back home.|Return]] [[Break the dog out.|Return][$dog to 1]]

You pull up your gun and take aim. As you manage to aim for one of the plants, they begin running in your direction. You pull the trigger and turn one of the monsters into a pile of ash. The other two, however, manage to knock you against the wall and take a nice bite out of your arm. The gun almost seems to go off of its own accord, and blasts the other plant before it manages to take a bite out of your head. Thank god for reflexes! The pain is almost unbearable, but you manage to shove the final plant back a few meters and fire a laser right into its head. You are now absolutely covered in blood. <<if $clothing == "grn">>Bummer, this is your favorite suit!<</if>> A few of the spores have taken hold on the floor and wall and are already in the beginning to transform into the carnivorous plants you've been dealing with. A few stomps takes care of the spores, no more asshole plants to try and eat you. The plant master is waiting. You step up to the oversized flower and look into its center. Blackness. It almost seemed like this should have some kind of climax, but here's the source of the infestation, sitting dumbly in the corner with no way to fight back. What a bummer. The mood needs to be set, so you think for a moment, using all of your mental faculties to come up with a cool action movie phrase to use before blasting the plant master into oblivion. "Eat laser...asshole!" After a moment of embarrassed silence, you blast it right in the...face...thing. The flower and nearby parts of the tentacles erupt into flame and turn to ash. To make doubly sure that it doesn't return, you meticulously blast every tentacle left in the room until there's nothing left but dust. The mission is over. Freund and the others are waiting for you on the other side of the portal. That dog is still swimming in circles. [[Go back home.|Return]] [[Break the dog out.|Return][$dog to 1]] <<set $bloodied += 1>> /* Descriptions, motherfucker, do you speak it? */

You grab a few fist-fulls of Fippling bits and throw them at the plants. The sticky goo coats two of the plants, and the party turns into a feeding frenzy! The other three plants mindlessly dogpile the coated ones and chomp away, ripping the poor plants into pieces. While they are distracted and finishing off the two unfortunate recipients of alien goo, you take aim and blast at the three others. They go down easily, and explode into piles of ash. You step up to the oversized flower and look into its center. Blackness. It almost seemed like this should have some kind of climax, but here's the source of the infestation, sitting dumbly in the corner with no way to fight back. What a bummer. The mood needs to be set, so you think for a moment, using all of your mental faculties to come up with a cool action movie phrase to use before blasting the plant master into oblivion. "Eat laser...asshole!" After a moment of embarrassed silence, you blast it right in the...face...thing. The flower and nearby parts of the tentacles erupt into flame and turn to ash. To make doubly sure that it doesn't return, you meticulously blast every tentacle left in the room until there's nothing left but dust. The mission is over. Freund and the others are waiting for you on the other side of the portal. That dog is still swimming in circles. [[Go back home.|Return]] [[Break the dog out.|Return][$dog to 1]]

You freak out, blast a couple plants, and tear the rest to bits. A few of the spores have taken hold on the floor and wall and are already in the beginning to transform into the carnivorous plants you've been dealing with. A few stomps takes care of the spores, no more asshole plants to try and eat you. The plant master is waiting. You step up to the oversized flower and look into its center. Blackness. It almost seemed like this should have some kind of climax, but here's the source of the infestation, sitting dumbly in the corner with no way to fight back. What a bummer. You angrily rip the tentacles off the flower and throw them across the room. As they're laying limply across the floor, you grab both sides of the spore ejector part of the plant and start tearing. This thing is tough, and it takes a lot of strength to rip it apart. As it tears, it starts spitting poison every direction. You are now soaked in blood and poison. Good thing this stuff doesn't work on humans. You'd be fucked. Ripping the master apart gets easier as you do it, and now you're maniacally shredding it by hand. This thing is practically confetti now, so you begin stomping it into paste, along with the tentacles. This room is positively ripe now, and you are very tired. The mission is over. Freund and the others are waiting for you on the other side of the portal. That dog is still swimming in circles. [[Go back home.|Return]] [[Break the dog out.|Return][$dog to 1]]

<<if $dog == 1>>You blast the tank and free the dog. It seems nonplussed, but is glad to have a new friend!<</if>> You<<if $dog == 1>> and your newfound buddy<</if>> walk back through the gore and ash. You stop for a moment at the two locked doors in the hallway and doublecheck for sounds from the other side. Nothing. It's a relief, for sure. It's hard to believe that today even happened. Who else can say they went for a walk and ended up battling vicious plants on a distant, alien planet! "Greetings, Player Character," Freund says as you step through the portal, and points to a utilitarian shower in the corner. "Forgive the imposition, but please, wash the venom off of your body before we converse further. Their poison easily seeps through our membranes." You shrug off Freund's tersness, and the Fipplings clean the floor behind you as you walk over to the shower. The warm water feels good after everything that's just happened<<if $dog == 1>> (and the dog seems to enjoy it too!)<<else>>.<</if>> "So, I saw the humans you were keeping in tubes," you say as you step out of the shower. "Oh? I assumed you would. I assure you, our methods are humane, and we have done no harm<<if $dog == 1>>. Well, except for that canine. I did not realize it was still alive.<</if>>" [[I'm fascinated by your experiments. Please, tell me more!|FreundChatFASC]] [[Where did you get them?|FreundChatWHERE]] [[You're monsters! How could you!?|FreundChatHOW]] /* Remember $dog Also, 'imposition' is definitely not the word you're looking for. Also, paragraph two needs help. Bad. */

You walk over to the next door and kick the button beside it. The door disappears into the ceiling, and reveals an L-shaped, window-lined hallway with a plant on either side. Too easy. They heard the ruckus you made and now want your tasty bits, too. As the first plant approaches, you time its run and hit the button, closing the door on the plant and slicing it in half. The plant is still falling to the ground when you hit the button and open the door back up. The next victim is already rounding the corner and running for you. You run at the plant, forgetting all about the laser Freund gave you, and grab the plant in the middle of the hall. It gives you a good bite on the arm, soaking your clothes in even more blood. You lift the plant over your head and throw it out of the window. The plant falls helplessly down the side of a mountain, but is picked up by a weird, alien bird before it can hit the ground, all while you're laughing psychotically. There are three more doors here. Rooms one and two are locked, so fuck it. [[The third, however, opens right up.|Room2ROID2]]

The plants are startled by the sound of the door you just kicked open slamming against the wall and breaking off the hinges. Who would've thought you had it in you? This fairly large room houses a lot of computer equipment, all perpendicular to the wall you're peering out of. On either side of the room are workstations, cluttered with all manner of high-tech, indescribably alien lab equipment. Directly in front of you is a long table with a number of bulky computer terminals. To the right is the actual supercomputer. It's as if you blew up a 1990's Packard Bell computer tower and put in the middle of a room. The room is coated and splattered with a thick, green goo that's flecked with thick, rubbery material. At the workstation to your left is a thin, armless, human-height plant, looking at you with goo around its head-mouth-thing. That goo must be Fippling innards, and the plant previously had its head gluttonously buried in the split-open remains on the floor. The plant has a few leaves hanging off of its stalk, and is standing on a couple of wide leaves protruding from a bulbous bottom. Immediately, three plant monsters run in your direction, yearning for your tasty, tasty bits. These things are fast! Before they have a chance, you blast the leftmost plant, which explodes into a pile of ash, and grab one of the plants to the right by the stalk. It can't bite you, but it can sure spit venom, which now coats your whole body<<if $clothing is "grn">>, ruining your favorite suit<</if>>. You can't help but let out a scream as you tear the plant in half. These things are tough! Right as you throw the two plant halves down on the ground the remaining plant latches its jaws into your back. Searing pain runs through your body, but you don't notice. You wrench violently and the plant lets go, giving you the chance grab it. You take both sides of the plants jaws, the spine-like teeth digging into your hand, and start pulling. It takes a lot of effort, but you manage to rip the plants head in half, leaving it twitching in parts on the floor. [[NEXT!|HallROID]]

This room contains some computer terminals (probably connected to the supercomputer) that run parallel to the lefthand wall. Along the right side are seven liquid-filled, cylindrical isolation tanks, 3 of which have been busted. The contents of the tanks vary: one contains a tall, thin humanoid wearing ballet shoes and a gem in her forehead, one contains a cat, and the farthest container houses a dog (a Welsh Corgi, to be precise), who is actually conscious. The other four tanks, however, contain(ed) humans! The plants have already broken three of the tanks and are feasting on the remains, which they've scattered throughout the room. In the far-left corner, is what must be the source of the plant infestation. It is a giant, red and pink flower with an empty center (the spore ejector) and tendrils invading the walls and floor. As you begin examining the room, a soft, white spore is ejected from the center of the plant and floats onto the floor. These must be how the plants are made. Right now you're running on pure adrenaline and rage. You let out a ferocius roar and start blasting in the direction of the plants. Two plants meet an abrupt, fiery end. The other three are unscathed, and have swarmed you. The monsters are taking rapid bites out of every part of your body, and the rest of the fight is a blurry flurry of punches, venom, and blood. With every ounce of panicked survival instinct, you smash and rip the plants to pieces. The fight is swift and furious, and you emerge victorious atop a pile of eviscerated plants. A few of the spores have taken hold on the floor and wall and are already in the beginning to transform into the carnivorous plants you've been dealing with. A few stomps takes care of the spores, no more asshole plants to try and eat you. The plant master is waiting. All of your muscles feel like puddy, but the mission isn't over yet. You step up to the oversized flower and look into its spore ejector. Blackness. You angrily rip the tentacles off the flower and throw them across the room. As they're laying limply across the floor, you grab both sides of the spore ejector part of the plant and start tearing. This thing is tough, and it takes every ounce of remaining strength to rip it apart. As it tears, it starts spitting poison every direction. You are now soaked in blood and poison. Good thing this stuff doesn't work on humans. You'd be fucked. Ripping the master apart gets easier as you do it, and now you're maniacally shredding it by hand. This thing is practically confetti now, so you begin stomping it into paste, along with the tentacles. This room is positively ripe now, and you are incredibly tired and woozy. The mission is over, but you've lost a lot of blood. It doesn't look good. With your final remaining energy you blast the tank with your laser pistol and free the dog. You die on an alien planet, far away from everything you've known, and for a group of people you knew for less than five minutes. The last thing you see is that goddamn dog licking your face before everything fades to black. In rememberance of your sacrifice, the Fipplings of the Scientific Enclave erect a statue in their facility in you honor.

If these creatures had the ability to make facial expressions, Freund's eyebrows would have shot up. "You were? Well, that is certainly a welcome development. We expected that you would be horrified, thinking that we had killed members of your species, which we certainly would not do." It's hard to tell if Freund is it's being sarcastic or not. "Me, upset? God no! I assumed they were cadavers, but even if they weren't...well, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs!" Unfortunately, that joke didn't land, since no one in this room has a mouth, and thus, cannot eat omelettes. You do, however, have a lengthy conversation with Freund about their experiments, facility, and themselves. I suppose I could write all of this, but you probably wouldn't be interested in the infodump. Whatever. Let's continue! As you conclude your questioning, Freund says, "before you left I said I would have something for you, so here. <<if $record == 1>>Apparently you like this band, Dick Kicker, so while you were gone we did some research and found a recording of equivalent value to yours: Dick Kicker's second LP, 'Back in the Sac.' It is best, perhaps, if you do not ask where we got it." Your jaw is slack. This is an ubelievable find! You've never seen one on sale anywhere! "Now we must say our goodbyes, unfortunately." A scientist adjusts some parameters on the portal projector, and launches another portal onto the wall. "Stepping through this portal will take you back to you home. We thank you for your service, and hope you are well in the future." "No, thank you. And any time you need help, you can count on me! <<if $dog == 1>>Come here, buddy!<</if>>" With that, you <<if $dog == 1>>and the dog <</if>>step through the portal, and back into your bedroom. You turn take take a last look at the portal, only to see it collapse and disappear, leaving only a blank white wall. You're a little sad to see it go, leaving now to live out your otherwise normal life. <<if $dog == 1>>At least now you have a little buddy to share it with. Maybe you should name it something other than 'dog.' <</if>>Tiredly, you peel your still wet clothes off, slide into bed, and [[go to sleep.|Wake]<<else>>We know how you humans must eat food to survive. We have also heard the expression, 'breakfast is the most important meal of the day,' so we got you this." Freund hands you a thick plastic card. On the front, in elegant handwriting, it says, "The owner of this card, 'Player Character,' may have free breakfast at any restaurant he or she chooses, for the rest of his or her life. Signed, the President." "Now we must say our goodbyes, unfortunately." A scientist adjusts some parameters on the portal projector, and launches another portal onto the wall. "Stepping through this portal will take you back to you home. We thank you for your service, and hope you are well in the future." "It's no problem. And any time you need help, you can count on me! <<if $dog == 1>>Come here, buddy!<</if>>" With that, you <<if $dog == 1>>and the dog <</if>>step through the portal, and back into your bedroom. You turn take take a last look at the portal, only to see it collapse and disappear, leaving only a blank white wall. You're a little sad to see it go, leaving now to live out your otherwise normal life. <<if $dog == 1>>At least now you have a little buddy to share it with. Maybe you should name it something other than 'dog.' In your head, of course. What, do you think I'm gonna give you a prompt or something? Who do I look like, Dennis Ritchie? <</if>>Tiredly, you peel your still wet clothes off, slide into bed, and [[go to sleep.|Wake][$giftcard to 1]] <</if>>

"I assure you, we have not killed anyone. All of the subjects you have seen were cadavers. They were already dead when we got them. Your species is fascinating! Digestion, bipedalism, sexual reproduction, you are all so alien!" "I could say the same," you say. Freund then begins probing you, asking all manner of questions about humanity, which you dutifully indulge. The conversation is engaging, and you learn a bit about the Fipplings. How they photosynthesize food, and reproduce in a complex, asexual manner. "Before you left I said I would have something for you, so here. <<if $record == 1>>Apparently you like this band, Dick Kicker, so while you were gone we did some research and found a recording of equivalent value to yours: Dick Kicker's second LP, 'Back in the Sac.' It is best, perhaps, if you do not ask where we got it." Your jaw is slack. This is an ubelievable find! You've never seen one on sale anywhere! "Now we must say our goodbyes, unfortunately." A scientist adjusts some parameters on the portal projector, and launches another portal onto the wall. "Stepping through this portal will take you back to you home. We thank you for your service, and hope you are well in the future." "Any time. <<if $dog == 1>>Come here, buddy!<</if>>" With that, you <<if $dog == 1>>and the dog <</if>>step through the portal, and back into your bedroom. You turn take take a last look at the portal, only to see it collapse and disappear, leaving only a blank white wall. You're a little sad to see it go, leaving now to live out your otherwise normal life. <<if $dog == 1>>At least now you have a little buddy to share it with. Maybe you should name it something other than 'dog.' <</if>>Tiredly, you peel your still wet clothes off, slide into bed, and [[go to sleep.|Wake]]<<else>>"We know how you humans must eat food to survive. We have also heard the expression, 'breakfast is the most important meal of the day,' so we got you this." Freund hands you a thick plastic card. On the front, in elegant handwriting, it says, "The owner of this card, 'Player Character,' may have free breakfast at any restaurant he or she chooses, for the rest of his or her life. Signed, the President." "Now we must say our goodbyes, unfortunately." A scientist adjusts some parameters on the portal projector, and launches another portal onto the wall. "Stepping through this portal will take you back to you home. We thank you for your service, and hope you are well in the future." "No, thank you. And any time you need help, you can count on me! <<if $dog == 1>>Come here, buddy!<</if>>" With that, you <<if $dog == 1>>and the dog <</if>>step through the portal, and back into your bedroom. You turn take take a last look at the portal, only to see it collapse and disappear, leaving only a blank white wall. You're a little sad to see it go, leaving now to live out your otherwise normal life. <<if $dog == 1>>At least now you have a little buddy to share it with. Maybe you should name it something other than 'dog.' In your head, of course. What, do you think I'm gonna give you a prompt or something? Who do I look like, Dennis Ritchie? <</if>>Tiredly, you peel your still wet clothes off, slide into bed, and [[go to sleep.|Wake][$giftcard to 1]] <</if>>

Freund sighs, having expected you to be cool after taking a whole shower before unexpectedly exploding into histrionics, "Let me reassure you, the humans you saw were cadavers. That means they were dead when we got them." The Fippling's words fall on deaf ears, unfortunately, because you are blinded by rage. "THEN WHAT ABOUT <<if $dog == 1>>THIS<<else>>THAT<</if>> DOG?" "That dog was, by all observable metrics, dead when we found her on the side of a road. Her survival is really a miracle." <<if $hesitate != 1>>With tears in your eyes, you scream "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU," and with one smooth motion draw your laser pistol and blast Freund, a person who has been nothing but kind to you, into ash. The room erupts into panic, and before anyone can escape into the portal you blast the projector. A few of the scientists attempt to fight you off with small, improvised weapons, but their thin, tendril arms are not strong enough to do any damage. You easily kick them against the wall, painting the walls a new shade of green. The remaining Fipplings are running out into the desert as you turn around. You run out the door after them, and blast them with the pistol. They're all dead now, and you torch the building they had constructed to carry out research on Earth. With the smug satisfaction that you've done the right thing you look to the horizion. The sun's just now coming up. Wait, the sun's coming up. You're in the desert. Somewhere. Without water. A wave of panic comes over you as you realize what you've done. All you can think to do is scream for help and run in a direction<<if $dog == 1>>, the dog following close behind<</if>>. Unfortunately, the direction you chose to run in is in the exact opposite direction of the city. For two days you walk through the desert until you die of dehydration. That'll teach you a lesson. Violence is not the answer, ya creep! <<if $dog == 1>>Oh, and the dog found help immediately after you died and survived.<</if>> THE END<<else>>Unable to rationalize or process any incoming information, you get hysterical and begin shouting some nonsense about something, tears streaming down your face. Freund and the others tune you out and reach for the hypnosis beam they used to get you here. A scientist tunes it to your brain waves, and trains it toward you. The next thing you remember is coming to in your bedroom (quite a jarring experience after such a burst of emotion). Did any of that even happen, or were you dreaming? <<if $dog == 1>>Apparently not, since that dog is here. Maybe you should name it something other than 'dog.' In your head, of course. What, do you think I'm gonna give you a prompt or something? Who do I look like, Dennis Ritchie? <</if>> Regardless, you remove you clothing, and [[go to sleep|Wake]]<</if>> /* Make sure the Fipplings are adequately described in an earlier panel. */

When you make your way back to the old man, he's being helped up by some nearby strangers. "Here's your wallet, sir," you say as you hand the old man his tattered belonging. He looks up at you from under his baseball cap and smiles. "Thank ya, sir or madame. It's good to know the younger generation still has a little respect for their elders. I think I might have somethin' for you if you'll follow me." This seems a little odd, but you oblige the old man and follow him to a nearby alley away from the crowd. The old man confesses that he's a genie and offers to grant you a wish and shit. Where's that list!? [[I want a mill...no, a billion dollars!|WishMONEY]] [[Take away my fingernail biting habit.|WishNAILS]] /*[[I want you to turn me into a horrifying monster!|WishMONSTER]] [[This might be out of your scope, but could you make God real?|WishGOD]]*/ /* Monster -> Mischevious vs. Downright Evil God -> Which version? Also, don't forget to rewrite that second paragraph, nerd. */

The old man sighs. "Really? Couldn't ya be a little more ambitious?" You reply, "well, sure, but I love money!" Begrudgingly, the old man draws a circle around himself and begins furiously rubbing his hands together while humming loudly. "This is gonna take a while," he says, so you take a seat on the ground and wait. Generally, when people start using magic the spectators expect a climax of some sort. A fireball, blinding lights, loud sounds, etcetera. So you wait and wait, expecting something phenomenal to knock your socks of after watching and old man rub his hands for half an hour. The old man, however, simply anti-climactically stops rubbing his hands. Bummer. "Alright, young'un," he says to you, "run on home now." Nonplussed, you reply, "what, that's it? Where's my money, old'un?" The old man, however, has already disappeared in a puff of smoke. Whatever. You walk back home, fuming all the way. You ascend the stairs back to your apartment, fumble with the lock for a moment, and open the door... ...to a fuckton of cash, baby! Your apartment is wall-to-wall filled with burlap sacks overflowing with $100 dollar bills<<if $dog == 1>>, which your dog is swimming in Scrooge McDuck style<</if>>. You could buy a jet-ski, tell your boss to fuck off, tell your landlord to fuck off, tell those shady people you owe money to to fuck off, or buy another jet-ski! The sky's the limit! So, what DO you want to do with your money. [[Blow it.|WishBLOW]] [[Invest it.|WishINVEST]]

"Fine," the old man says. The old man draws a circle around himself and begins furiously rubbing his hands together while humming loudly. "This is gonna take a while," he says, so you take a seat on the ground and wait. Generally, when people start using magic the spectators expect a climax of some sort. A fireball, blinding lights, loud sounds, etcetera. So you wait and wait, expecting something phenomenal to knock your socks of after watching and old man rub his hands for half an hour. The old man, however, simply anti-climactically stops rubbing his hands. Suddenly, you have no interest in biting your fingernails! "Thanks, sir," you exclaim, to which he simply replies, "don't mention it," and disappears in a wisp of smoke. You spend the rest of your day doing relaxing stuff, and eventually go home and [[go to sleep.|Wake]]

"Can you make me into a monster," you ask. "Hmm, n'ver had anyone ask me to do that. We can probably whip somethin' up, but the question is, how crazy do ya wanna git?" "Well, I don't want to be a monster forever. Just for a night, I think. Everything else is up to you," you reply. The old man smiles a goofy old man grin as he draws a circle around himself and begins furiously rubbing his hands together while humming loudly. "This is gonna take a while," he says, so you take a seat on the ground and wait. Generally, when people start using magic the spectators expect a climax of some sort. A fireball, blinding lights, loud sounds, etcetera. So you wait and wait, expecting something phenomenal to knock your socks of after watching and old man rub his hands for half an hour. The old man, however, simply anti-climactically stops rubbing his hands. Bummer. "Alright, young'un," he says to you, "you should start feelin' somethin' in a minute or two. Bye!" The genie runs in the opposite direction as fast as possible, which does not give you a very good feeling. Just as you start to regret your decision, [[you start to feel something.|WishMONSTER2]]

"Make god real, eh? Yeah, I can do it, just give me a sec." The genie grabs a nearby rock and makes a circle on the ground around him and begins furiously rubbing his hands together while humming loudly. "Okay young'un, which god do you want to be real?" [[Well, you know, God. Was that even a question?|WishGOD-Judeo]] [[Hail Satan!|WishGOD-Satan]] [[Surprise me.|WishGOD-Surprise]]

As soon as the old man finishes the sky darkens, the thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes. You swear you hear an angry scream in the distance, but you can't really think about that because it's started raining frogs. Uh-oh. You didn't specify new or old testament god, and the man assumed you meant old! Now God's here and he's pissed. It's Yahweh or the highway, motherfuckers! So now it's raining frogs (which just splatter on contact). If only you'd brought an umbrella. Not that it would make much of a difference, since God is clearly angry with modern civilization and aims to bring it down with a re-enactment of the 10 plagues (in no particular order), and an umbrella doesn't really help against all that lice, nor the river of blood that's flowing through the streets. The thunder intensifies and you try and find shelter through the chaos, narrowly avoiding swerving cars. Somehow, you feel like this wasn't the best use of your one wish. You manage to make into a nearby building, which is teeming with locusts, coating the floor and walls in an undulating layer of black. At least it's not exploded frog guts. You take a seat and attempt to calm yourself when a realization hits you. "Wait," you say to your self, "10 plagues...frogs...lice...hail...OH SHIT, I'M THE OLDEST CHI-" Your words are cut off when you burst into flames. The pain is unimaginable, and you run back out into the street screaming. In your panicked rush, you fall on your back and resign yourself to your fate. Everything is getting darker, and the last thing you see is a [[frog landing right on your face.|Wake]] <<set $dream to 1>>

Boy, aren't you metal. Don't cut yourself on all that edge!

"You want a surprise? Well step right up!" The old man then proceeds to pull a giant game wheel from out of thin air and plops it down beside him. You energetically step forward and give the godwheel a spin... <<set $godWheel to random(4)>> <<if $godWheel is 0>>...and it lands on the fictional goddess Sharess - Suddenly, you feel warm all over. You just want to rub up against everyone and everything, and experience all of life's pleasures at once. "Oh, these clothes, so repressive," you moan as you begin slowly stripping in the street. This may be weird, but it looks like everyone's doing it. Sharess made everyone uncontrollably horny, and life has become one big orgy. Great non-choice! [[I bet your bed feels super good right about now. In fact, you take some people home...|Wake]]<</if>><<if $godWheel is 1>>The wheel lands on Cyamites - Greek god of fava beans. Hannibal Lecter would be proud. Cyamites snaps his fingers and instantly changes human biology, making you incapable of eating anything that isn't a fava bean. Unfortunately, he doesn't do anything about people's pallettes or allergies, so if you don't like fava beans or you have favism then I guess you're just fucked. It's disappointing, I know. [[Just go to bed, and everything will be alright tomorrow...|Wake]]<</if>> <<if $godWheel is 2>>Ha<</if>> <<if $godWheel is 3>>Gotem<</if>>

You bought two jet-skis and two mansions (one for each jet-ski). <<if $dog == 1>>Even the dog has two little dog mansions.<</if>> Your life is a party every single day, complete with hookers and blow! Like all good things, though, this life must come to an end, because you're out of money. Thankfully, your old landlord offers to let you stay in your old apartment for a month rent-free. Sweet! [[Now go back to sleep.|Wake]]

You become an ultra-rich capitalist through clever investing of your new-found riches and exploiting people so they part with their hard-earned dollars. Fuck the poor! They can find and blindly help their own genie by pure chance if they want the good things in life! Weirdly, you never moved out of your apartment. [[You do get a nice mattress, though.|Wake]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.