The Revised Sex

**(The Revised) Sex** Updated: 10-15-2021 a twine by n.dear [[begin|1]]

That name comes back to me instantly. My mind doesn't even have to think. My fingers do the remembering for me. For things without minds of their own they remember well. Now they've entered my old password. Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, [[Breathe-|2]]

No new notifications. No friends, but there is one request to follow.. [[**Click**|3]]

There's not much, no name, just some numbers. & pictures? Just a few [[dick pics|dicks]] [[**Click**|4]]

Urban Dictionary says: Dick Pic: A picture of your dick "Hey dude! I took a great dick pic last night for my girlfriend!" -by KattyFourrTeeeFiiive September 13, 2007 Wowwie, that was nice of you, I hope you also bought her some roses! Dick Pic: "Yo I know your grandma is having a bad day so I sent her a dick pic and now she feels way better" "Bruh, what the fuck is wrong you?" -by Kidswillbekids May 21, 2019 Wow, Ballsy. [[**Click**|3]]

He has a video too. Why not? (I click the link) "We would love for you to be able to watch this video and all the other great videos our friends have uploaded. But unfortunately, it costs us a lot to do so, so we could really use your support" But I'm broke... Well, partially true. There've since been times, moments that I could afford to support those friends. Yet still...money is hard. I've even turned a trick myself from time to time. [[**Click**|5]]

I decide out of curiosity to look back at my own profile. Let's see. "Hi there~ I am a 29 year old still pretty new to the kinkier side of things but would love to try some new experiences." ah. [[**Click**|6]]

Honestly I'm not sure why I came back here, nothing's different really. I show up, I fill my head with fantasies, maybe I message a person, maybe two. We start talking, things start moving.. I start feeling scared, I chicken out, I block I ghost. [[**Click**|7]] [[side note|sidenote]]

I'm not really sure what I even want out of this, out of anything. Let's look back at my profile: "I want to call you sir, don't hold back" I can do better, but short and to the point is my goal. It's not like anyone cares about where I've come from, who I once was and what changed, fuck all that right? [[**Click**|8]]

I used to feel bad for wanting them to want me,. [[but since, I've learned what I want|9]]

To **fuck**, to be **fucked**, to be **used**, to be **bred** to be... [[**Click**|10]]

But why do I want that though? Why do I want to be fucked? Is sex just that great? I mean I like sex yes, but why do I continue through it? Pushing my body through exercise upon exercise? Why do I find it facinating, as if some fantastical rosetta stone were resting before my gaze, a secret key turning twisting the hole in their secret heart of hearts. Sex on it's own would lose it's charm real quick.. If that's all there was... There's something nice about pleasure without anchors, no strings or commitments, but there's an aspect of fleeting too. It would be wonderful until it's not, but what's left when they've left you alone? If you're expecting an insightful turn-around, I'll admit right now, [[I I STILL don't fucking understand!|11]]

I want to be loved! **I want to be someones play thing**, I want to be held! **I want to not matter** I WANT TO MATTER MORE THAN ANYTHING TO YOU I WANT TO BE VISIBLE TO YOU I WANT TO LIVE I WANT TO THRIVE I WANT TO BE BROKEN FUCK and maybe I don't want to share my heart with you, **I want to be left alone, fuck me and go.** and maybe I want to scream more than anything, but where would I?. No, I still don't really understand anything. [[Click|12]]

Maybe I'm just desperate to feel safe and loved, so I want to be sheparded and lead as-to make me feel like I have "a person" who will take care of me, "my person" who could allow me to throw my worries away and only concern myself with their bodies. Who'd tell me to stop worrying about which day of the week it is, who'd whisper "I promise, I promise, I promise" **But thhat feels too stupid and cheesy. Would you buy it? I don't think I am buying it.** B maybe I just didn't want to take responsibility for myself or my desires, and to become something inatimate rather than accountable. **That feels too faux-poetic.** Maybe I'm just shy stupid creep. [[**Maybe?**|13]]

Whatever this soup of emotions and conflicting thoughts amounts to, Idfk [[Maybe..|14]]

Ironically, as I wrote this twine, I also feel like dissapearing for good, and came back to make a note of it! Being so blunt and exposed, kind of scares me a bit, but I feel like the things that are important are the ones that are hard to do, so onward I continue.. [[**Click**|6]]

Maybe I just want someone else to find pleasure in my body. I used to hate my body, I used to hate it so much. I looked in the mirror and I saw this mishapen mess, but maybe when someone wanted it, it felt, for a moment, good? Maybe sex made me feel free of those dysphoric feelings for just a moment. Maybe when my flesh touched theirs and my breath quickened, my heart beat faster and my body trembled in their arms, with somebody who I could imagine findomg comfort in, someone I coucl trust and love, maybe that meant something deep to me, back then.. [[Idk|15]]

Idk, at the end of the day, the mystique of performance is gone, the mystique of impression, of keeping up appearences with anybody, is gone. Competitive mating becomes meaningless. I still love bodys, and lust, I still love the turning of that key in their inner depths, yet I don't feel need or desperation. I still have thoughts, I am still an explore, but all in all It's just fucking sex. [[logout|16]]

**(The Refined: ) Sex** A short twine by n.dear 2016-2021 Thank you for reading **THE END**